Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 1)

After an almost two-year hiatus, we're back in Paradise!

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Honestly, the long break was probably a good thing so those communal couch cushions and pillows could be properly sanitized and deep cleaned (aka burned).

This is the first season of BIP that I actually know everyone by name, which yes you are correct, is truly upsetting. It means that I've now been watching this franchise long enough to know AND REMEMBER names. 

I will be having a moment to reflect on the mistakes that led me here, but first, let's get to another season! I can never stop watching this I guess!

I know when I think paradise, I think

Hosts will be rotating through this season beginning with the one person everyone most closely associates with a show about hot singles finding love on the beach: David Spade. 

I know he's apparently a fan of the show, but you cannot tell me you would not be IMMEDIATELY creeped out by this peach fuzz mustache if you encountered it on a beach. 

Anyway, we're not the only ones surprised by David's presence. As the cast arrives, they all laugh in an "omg what" type way, beginning with...

THE ONLY PERSON WHO BETTER FIND LOVE HERE

Abigail is first to arrive, which is hopefully a sign that she'll be the first to find love. I don't know if you remember or can come to a conclusion based on the all caps header for this section, but I'm a fan of Abigail. She was the best one on Matt's season (remember how he forgot about her, I will never forgive that man) and long story short, I want her to find love more than I want to find it myself (though tbh I already find it every time I open a Chipotle bowl, so I'm doing fine, thanks).

Now obviously, I'd love for Abigail to fall in love with Ivan or Brendan and shouldn't the universe agree with my interests? Unfortunately, the only couple I've created in my mind that has actually come true is Adam Brody and Leighton Meester (EXCUSE ME, A GOSSIP GIRL AND OC CROSSOVER, WHAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF), so my success rate isn't that high. Instead, Abigail and Noah form an early connection and when Abigail gets the first date card (and everyone cheers because like me, they love her) she asks Noah out.

I didn't really care about Noah during Tayshia's season, but I now realize most of that was because he had that ridiculously creepy mustache. When he arrives to BIP, he says he's most excited to meet Abigail, so this date, that takes place inside a piñata superstore, is actually pretty sweet.

Abigail shares that she doesn't go on dates often, even though she's asked out A LOT and that she friend zones guys "very easily." She adds that it takes her a while to call someone her boyfriend because she wants to be very sure. Noah then reminds her that they're on sort of a time crunch since the ol' BIP clock is ticking and remember you either get engaged OR DIE at the end of this (I'm kidding, I think).

Noah keeps working at getting her to open up because he wants to know "what makes Abigail, Abigail" and she says that she doesn't cry or express herself a lot. In response, Noah tells her that she has a "heart of gold" and everyone clapping for her when she got the date card speaks to who she is and that she deserves all of it and more. He then says he's ready to "smash all night long":

He's talking about smashing piñatas, you guys. What did you think he was referring to.

In an unexpected turn of events, I really really really like them together and think they're a precious little couple. I'm thinking they'll stay coupled up for most of the season.

But okay, let's get to who I'm trying to smash (again, referring to piñatas, sure, hehe).

BrendAAAAAAAAMN

I don't know if you know or not, but my favorite food is Brendan-dan noodles (some might call them "noods"). Wow. Here is some actual footage of me reacting to Brendan's arrival:

I haven't been waxed in a while, okay, keep your comments to yourself. Everyone on the beach, from the guys to the girls to the production assistants to the crabs, all have a moment during the episode where they talk about how hot Brendan is. 

Brendan forms an early connection with Natasha (from waste-of-space-Peter's season) and it seems like he'll give her his rose for the first ceremony. 

In the meantime, I'll just share this other screenshot I took of him:

Which coincidentally enough features my other boyfriend who btw....

I am willing to move to Dallas for this man

When Ivan arrives, Abigail says he's "super hot" and "taller than I expected," which coincidentally enough are the only two qualifications I am looking for in a husband. To refresh your memory, I am obsessed with Ivan. He's an aeronautical engineer and you are right to remember that I do in fact have something for him to engineer (it's me, was that not clear). 

Anyway, at the beginning, Ivan says he's most excited to meet Serena P. Buuuuut, instead of Serena P., he actually ends up spending the most time this episode with:

Jessenia! Another one of the standouts on Matt's season, who you may remember got into some drama with that 80s looking villain MJ. We get shots of Ivan and Jessenia hanging out in the pool later and kissing and wow looking at them together is almost too much because they're both incredibly good looking?? Anyway, hope to see them last at least a few weeks.

Oh but, remember how he first mentioned liking Serena P? Guess who else wants to meet her....

Yes this man seems very ready to date

Grocery Store Joe is back after ending a two-year relationship with Kendall (who was into animal taxidermy, remember her). He says he's back because "it worked before" so I guess this man does not know how to date outside of the confines of this show. It's a bit unclear how long he and Kendall have been broken up, but he says it has been "long enough to be comfortable dating other people," which in man time is two hours. 

Anyway, so he's also looking forward to meeting Serena P., but before he can, Kelsey offers a nice boost of confidence. You may remember Kelsey as:

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She says "the champagne thing" was funny, but she's ready to move on and the show clearly understands and respects that:

This reminds me that I would actually love a career as a "Champagne Girl," like those girls in clubs who bring out bottles of champagne with sparklers in them. Do you think they have a 401K and benefits, let me know, thanks. 

Right so, she goes up to Joe, who is sulking by the bar, and tells him that they've renamed him "Gym Joe" because his outfit looks like he just came from the gym (okay, rude). This clearly sends his ego through the shredder, but then hot ass Brendan comes through with a hot glue gun, trying to piece that ego together by saying, "Well, at least you have a nickname! No one is calling me anything." But Kelsey quickly puts his glued ego back through the shredder, saying "Not true! We're calling you best dressed!" 

So with his ego completely torched, he's ready to meet....
 

The most popular lady on the beach

You may remember Serena P. for introducing Matt to poutine during her hometown date (because like Blake, she is also from the town of Canada) before dumping him. Sharin' fries and dumpin' guys, I'm here for it!

She does end up chatting with Joe, who acts more awkward than this screenshot can portray:

He comments on how sweaty he is because he's nervous and then there's lots of awkward laughter and then in his interview clip after this, he says this was "like talking to Kendall" and he's not sure if he is ready to be here. And like, first off, just because Serena P. is also a woman who does this thing called talking, does not mean she is "like" Kendall. The baggage that Joe is bringing to this beach is waaaay over the weight limit, that's for sure. 

Joe then recovers from having his first conversation with a woman who is not Kendall by entering into an existential crisis:

Not to agree with Champagne Girl, but his shorts really do look like gym shorts. He spends most of the episode moping around the beach, acting like some emo teenager whose parents forced him to be here when all he really wants to do is focus on his music.

Once evening comes though, he puts on his best SOCKS AND SANDALS combo:

This is so incredibly upsetting. These type of socks are like thongs for feet, just tiny pieces of material that slide around and really serve no purpose, ESPECIALLY ON A BEACH??? Anyway, with his socks and sandals restoring his confidence, Joe chats with Serena again (who does make fun of his socks, thank G). He tells her about his relationship with Kendall and how it ended because of distance and also because they grew apart. And I guess the atmosphere of Joe talking about this ex mixed with socks and sandals sparks a connection between them:

With someone paying attention to him, Joe decides he likes being here and wants to stay (for what it's worth, what this man needs is not attention or another relationship, it is in fact therapy).

But while we're on the topic of kissing...

"I really enjoyed kissing Tre, more than his uncle"

Tahzjuan (from Colton's season, remember her line was "I hope I'm the Tahz-juan for you") is back for her second BIP season and as a reminder, is hilarious. When she arrives, she and Tre immediately recognize each other because SHE WENT ON A DATE WITH HIS UNCLE. His uncle, like his mother's brother.

At first, she feels a little weird about it, but they have a nice conversation and form a quick connection. Plus, later she determines that he is a better kisser than his uncle (an important determination to make):

But wait, there's more kissing happening. 

When you won't let having no lips stop you from your kissing dreams

Connor the Cat and his chicken tattoo are back to rub his teeth all over some poor woman. He's pretty quiet for most of the episode, but ends up spending time with Maurissa by the end of the night and they both share that they promised themselves they wouldn't kiss anyone on the first night. And I think Connor keeps that promise because I don't know if you can call what he's doing "kissing":

Looks more like he's showing how to fit an entire ice cream cone in his mouth. Maurissa kindly says that he's a good kisser and for this statement and enduring a hoovering by Connor, I hope she sticks around for at least a few weeks.

And what's funny is when all of these couples kiss, they all say something like, "I think we're the first kiss in Paradise," which is hilariously naive. It's like thinking you're the first one to eat a hot dog at a hot dog eating competition. 

Butt what is his mic attached to

Former boy band manager Kenny (from Tayshia's season, dear God I am so mad I know all of this by heart) shows up "naked," meaning we have to be distracted by this giant black box anytime he's onscreen. Unless that mic is literally stuffed in his ass crack, I'm assuming he's actually wearing some sort of tiny thong or maybe he's wearing one of Joe's tiny socks, who knows. Also for reference, this is what his front looks like:

Omg, what "front" did you think I was going to show, sickos. He spends most of the first episode chasing after Mari (also from Matt's season):

And look, even though he's being a little gimmicky with the naked thing, that doesn't mean he doesn't have deep, meaningful things to share with her. Jk, during their chat when she asks what he likes to do in Chicago, he says "Have coffee and chill," which as we know are both very distinctly Chicago things. Can't wait to hear what other thoughtful, Shakespearean lines we get from him.

Oh, this is another couple

Mouth breather Aaron and Tammy (who dramatically endured Peter's season) couple up early on because he thinks they have a similar sense of humor and she thinks he's hot and those two things form the strong foundation of any relationship.

And last but not least, I have to highlight the most important couple....

The hoops are back!

We don't hear much from Serena, but we do get this great shot of her with excellent lighting to highlight another great pair of hoops and that is important. And I know she went out on sort of a mean girl note during Matt's season, but look at those highlights, she's clearly changed, okay.

People who I wish were not back

Victoria is sadly back in our lives and referring to herself as a "goddess." For all of you spelling bee competitors, I'll use this word in a sentence: "god dess girl won't be here for long, right."

You likely remember her as being horrible on Matt's season and now charging $250 for a "health coaching session" on her personal website. Screams. Luckily for her (and us), the person she's most interested in ends up paying the most attention to her. And that person is of course her.

But we can't just let Victoria steal the spotlight, there's room for Karl in this section too!

As Tahz so perfectly puts it, "Who wears a freakin' watch and tennis shoes to the beach?" Karl arrives and immediately gets to Karl'ing. When Tahz asks if he has a name, he says "Yes," but then doesn't say it. He then bursts out laughing as if this is his crown jewel of a joke, telling her that he wanted to see how annoyed she'd get (wtf??). Love that he learned all of this flirting skills from an 8th grade boy. 

Actually, I wonder if Karl and Victoria will couple up. Let's not think about that because what's more important to think about is....

What I'd spend all of my time focusing on

Do these people get to eat endless tacos and chips and guacamole?? Because to be VERY CLEAR, my strategy would be to form a connection with any dodo bird each week for the sole purpose of sticking around to eat more tacos. Like instead of being given a rose each week, I'd want to be given a plate of tacos and chips. Just something I've been deeply thinking about. 

And that's it! Or well, actually things end with the arrival of this person:

This will make things interesting for the first rose ceremony, which we didn't get to yet. The guys have roses this week and are all acting like douchebags saying the women have to "work for it." And um...do these ding dongs not realize that....next week....the women will have the roses? The stupidity is astounding.

See you all next week for more of it! Til then, find me printing and framing photos of Brendan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).