Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Finale Pt. 2)

This week's FINAL FINAL commentary on this cursed season is brought to you by what my last brain cell looks like while ping-ponging around in my brain, fighting for its life:

The show promised that two Bachelorettes would have twice the drama, but we now know they actually meant it would feel twice as long because dear God, how many decades have we all aged. This has truly been a terrible experience, I'm glad we could do it together.

Since this is part 87 of the finale, there's still a live aspect because ABC thinks we need show footage and then live footage of people watching show footage. Jesse Palmer even kicks things off by showing a trailer FOR THE EPISODE WE ARE CURRENTLY WATCHING??? THIS IS NIGHTMARE INCEPTION AND NONE OF US CAN ESCAPE.

With that in mind, let's jump in one last time!

Because math is my passion

JK, everyone knows eating fried chicken is my passion. I'm just providing a visual here to say that only 50% of the Bachelorettes in this photo will get engaged during this finale. Also can someone retrieve my top that's hanging out to dry there, I've been looking for it for weeks. 

Let's see what happens with Rachel first.

"He's never given me any reason to doubt him"

Rachel is super excited for one last date with Tino before engagement day because she has no doubts he's the man of her dreams and that "if it's not Tino, there's no one else for me." Phew girl, get ready to swipe right on first name No One and last name Else, then.

The next day, the show spends approx 75 seconds of this THREE HOUR FINALE on their engagement. It almost felt like I was watching it at 1.5x speed (OMG I WISH THAT WAS AN OPTION).

How speedy everything happens here along with like, the inset of Rachel's actual reaction to "the happiest moment" in her life tells us that this happiness will be short lived.

During the live interview, Rachel gets right to the point, saying their relationship went through a lot of difficulties after the show PROBABLY BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS INSANE AND CREATES ABSOLUTELY NO REALISTIC FOUNDATION TO BUILD AN ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP FROM AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME TO STOP WATCHING, PLEASE. But also, they were long distance (while the season was airing) and at some point, Tino started expressing worries that "a past relationship" might come forward with stuff about him. Rachel eventually reveals he cheated on her and anyway this is her face when Jesse's dumbass asks "Are you okay?" 

Beat her ass, Maddy! (Omg I hope y'all watch Euphoria, if not, why don't you.) She obviously says she's not okay and Jesse's like "Yay! Let's relive your horrible breakup then!" and we get to see their whole situation play out.

What I looked like at the end of this breakup

Tino, who has apparently aged 35 years during the two months that the show has been airing, shows up to meet with Rachel because I do think he's contractually obligated to be dumped on camera.

The main issue is that Tino kissed another girl (while they were still engaged) and when he finally told Rachel, he asked her not to tell anyone because of how bad it would make him look (swoon, and they say love is dead!). They both have their own sides of what was happening leading up to the cheating, which they each reveal in a sort of cryptic manner because it's clear they're both trying to save face and not come off as the asshole. But a front runner soon emerges in that competition when Tino pulls out his journal.

(Hi Michelle!) Tino proceeds to read off a list of reasons from his journal explaining why he CHEATED ON HIS FIANCEE. I mean, similar to if it's on the internet, if it's written down in a diary, it must be true. No one ever lies or embellishes in their personal journal, ever. 

Tino's rationale: Rachel apparently said a bunch of "hurtful" things to him when the show premiered, like she wasn't sure she could do "this" and she'd be giving back the ring. 

Rachel's response: She says they were going through a hard time, but they never broke up and she only said she would give the ring back IF they went back to dating and most importantly — he hasn't really owned up to and apologized for what he did.

Tino can't believe Rachel won't just forgive him because after checking in with himself, Tino agrees with Tino that the cheating was her fault, so he takes a moment to step outside and tries to rip off his mic. He soon finds out that when you sign a contract to be on The Bachelorette, those mics are embedded in you like a tracker chip on The Hunger Games.

I was dying at him thinking we couldn't hear him anymore as if we can't hear anything as long as the mic can't see us, similar to when a dog thinks you can't see it if it can't see you. While he's outside talking to a producer, he says Rachel is throwing him under the bus, which is laughable because babes you rented this bus and you're driving it and what's this, you're somehow under it too. Damn, is this what the multiverse is.

After gathering himself, Tino heads back inside with a fresh outlook, ready to gaslight the absolute shit out of Rachel. He pulls out his Uno Reverse card and says he didn't tell Rachel about the cheating because they "got back on the right track" thanks to her doing everything he "asked" of her, including going to therapy, as if this whole thing is about her correcting her wrongs. Also, he lets her know he's been working really hard TO FORGIVE HIMSELF. SO GUESS HE DID SAY SORRY TO SOMEONE AND THAT SOMEONE IS HIMSELF. TINO SAID SORRY TO TINO FOR THE CHEATING THAT TINO DID. JESUS CHRIST WHERE IS THE METEOR.

Rachel's facial expressions during this entire spiel are on point, but especially this one because this man is out of his mind. After realizing he can't just put his thing down flip it and reverse it, Tino steps outside AGAIN, except this time Rachel follows shortly after only to find him looking like this:

He has his shirt unbuttoned and he's on the phone sort of smiling looking like he's providing premium content to one of his OnlyFans subscribers or something. That or he was literally taking pics for his Hinge profile. This moment was truly one of the more bonkers moments, which is saying a lot considering this entire meeting has been kookoo for Cocoa Puffs.

They finally head back inside for the third and final part of this breakup, which is just a moment for Rachel to do this:

(Hi Rachel's dad) It's funny that she hands the ring back to him because Tino's sweaty ass didn't buy that ring. If she really wanted a reservation for Petty Party of 1, she would've handed the ring back to a producer because the show owns the ring (just as they own all of these people's souls because I imagine this is like an Ursula/Ariel type agreement).

So to wrap up this ridiculous series of events

I can't decide who I relate to more — Rachel staring into the camera wondering what she's doing here, girl in the middle left who's actively looking for an exit or girl in the middle right blinking and trying to I-Dream-of-Jeannie transport her way out of here. 

I'm not going to recap any of this conversation because it's a copy/paste of what was aired in the episode, but it's clear they both have things they did that they don't want aired out and they both need A LOT of therapy and most importantly, they both need to leave us alone, okay. Ultimately, Rachel's "journey" comes to an end with Jesse saying that "someone demanded" to see her and surprise it's:

Obviously Aven, who remember she dumped because he made the ridiculous suggestion that they leave the show together and build their relationship before getting engaged. But now, with Tino still sitting by Rachel, Aven says he "just wanted to come by" (LOLLLL WHO WROTE THIS LINE FOR HIM) to see if she wanted to leave and catch up. She obviously says yes, leaving Tino onstage with Jesse, and I can't emphasize enough how stupid all of this has been.

With all of that out of the way, let's get to Gabby!

Committing to one mullet for life

If Rachel's "journey" was a 2000 piece puzzle that we still didn't finish because as it turns out, the puzzle is missing several pieces, then Gabby's puzzle is like one of those puzzles for babies with just 2 gigantic pieces. Ultimately, Erich proposes and Gabby says yes and I actually do believe they're two mature adults who are in love and understand that a relationship requires GASP work. I mean look at these two!

I noticed that Erich only wears shades of blue, which tells me that someone probably once told him that blue brings out his eyes or something and since then, he's stuck to blue. We love a loyal man.

But again, because ABC needs to justify Jesse's hosting salary, he brings up some social media swirl that's come up recently about Erich AND LORDY THEY EVEN PUT THE TEXTS ON THE BIG SCREEN:

To summarize: a woman who Erich was dating a month before the show publicly shared these texts that show Erich was skeptical about the show and only went on to see if there was "something else" he could do with his life. And um, tbh, he talked about his skepticism of the show MANY times with Gabby?? So this isn't exactly breaking news?? But he still takes responsibility for handling the breakup with this woman so immaturely and somewhere backstage, Tino could be heard asking "wait, what is responsibility?"

So yes, Erich was surprised that he fell in love with Gabby, but to be fair, when Jesse asks Gabby if she's surprised how happily things ended up, she says yes because:

GIRL SAME. Constantly embarrassed for me and all of us who are unfortunately attracted to men, it's so cringe.

Anyway, Gabby ends things by saying they're planning their life together. But obviously for now, she's doing what any newly engaged Bachelorette does — competing on Dancing with the Stars, duh.

And thus wraps up the 895th season of The Bachelorette! The biggest takeaway is that this show really should be canceled, but if it isn't, Gabby should be the next host because she has more personality than every other lead from this tragic show combined. And no offense, but Jesse Palmer always looks like he's about to burst into a bunch of tanned confetti (I said no offense, okay).

Oh wait, I guess they did spend the last 30 minutes of the episode on the new Bachelor, but...

I will not be tuning in for this sleep podcast

Zach was named the next Bachelor because ABC really is on a mission to have every bland, boring man in America be the Bachelor at some point. Zach is the epitome of a guy we would describe only as "nice." It means he's not memorable, isn't exactly interesting, but didn't like, trip me when I was walking out, so I guess he's nice. Not recapping his little portion of the show because I will not be watching his season, sorry. Unless they decide at the last minute to replace him with Nate or Brandon or Mike (omg remember Mike from Hannah's season), I'd rather not be put to sleep at 8pm once a week by this snooze button of a man.

And that's it! Can't believe (or understand how) we made it through another season. Bachelor in Paradise starts next week, but I haven't decided if I'll be screaming any commentary yet, so maybe see you soon! If not, you can always find me living, loving and laughing on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Finale Pt. 1)

This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby in the present watching Gabby in the past and both demonstrating the only emotions I have toward this show:

It's either deep seeded confusion or general disgust, nothing inbetween (coincidentally enough, Deep Seeded Confusion, General Disgust and Nothing Inbetween are also the names of my bands).

Very sorry for skipping last week's double header, but I needed to take the little potato that is my brain out to rest for a bit. But now, we've made it halfway through the finale! Because this show thinks we need FOUR HOURS spread over two episodes to feel good about enduring this season. And listen, the only time you should spend four hours doing anything is eating at a Vegas buffet.

Anyway, let's jump in!

The most polite, rude breakup ever

Since last week's episode ended with Zach pulling Rachel aside to talk before the Rose Ceremony, we kick things off with this super uncomfortable breakup where they have a conversation, but it sure as hell isn't with each other. 

Zach says it was clear something was off during their overnight date and he realized he's opened up to her a lot and has been really genuine about his feelings, but she hasn't exactly done the same (fact check: true). Instead of acknowledging any of Zach's concerns, Rachel opens up a whole new chat and tells Zach that she was hoping their overnight date would help her find the "missing piece" in their relationship. 

And I mean, Rachel has def been trying to find something, but that something is actually a reason to dump Zach. Ever since she suggested he wasn't ready to get engaged because he's only 25 (she is literally 26), she's been trying to find a big reason, but like, she could've just dumped him because this show is called The Bachelorette and she is The Bachelorette and the point is to dump guys until there's one left. I feel like that annoying friend who continually reminds everyone of the board game rules.

Anyway, Zach obviously leaves and after he does, the producers make Rachel awkwardly stand in this wooded area, I think because they assumed she'd be emotional about him leaving. But y'all, she was seconds away from popping champagne, looking about as sad as everyone was when Joffrey died.

Because the show needs a reason to justify Jesse Palmer's hosting salary, there is a live portion to the finale and Rachel and Zach are reunited for the first time during it.

They both apologize (for what, no one knows) and she says she doesn't want him to think she was suggesting he wasn't ready to get engaged when she suggested that he wasn't ready to get engaged. Why would he think that just because she said it out loud.

Things end with them both saying sorry again and this concludes the most confusing, lightly passive aggressive, but polite breakup ever, I think.

Now that we know Zach's fate, let's see how Aven and Tino's meetings with Rachel's family go.

Blink if you're not ready to get engaged

We can't fight screenshot timing, it's fate.

Before Aven shows up to meet Rachel's parents and two best friends, Rachel luckily gets off her shift at Chick Fil-A just in time.

Her family and friends ask what she loves most about Aven and she basically screams "HE'S SO HOT" sounding like me when someone asks why I love Zac Efron (bb is unfortunately never getting an Oscar). And I mean, according to the logic of 6th grade me staring at Freddie Prinze, Jr. posters, that's a very good reason to feel ready to marry someone. 

Rachel is also VERY sure to note that Aven clearly told her he's ready to get engaged at the end of this, which is what she wants and what every Bachelorette wants and this has never been a surprise because this show has been on for 180 years and the premise has never changed. But anyway, to bring back the blink test — blink if you're about to have a bad day.

I guess Aven's Google Drive mass deleted everything because when Rachel's friends ask if he's ready to get engaged at the end of this, he can't seem to locate that ReadyToGetHitched.Doc and this conversation ensues:

• Friend: Rachel wants to get engaged at the end of this, are you ready for that
• Aven: Omg yes! Absolutely! Oh, except by yes, I mean no 
• Friend: Um, have you told her this
• Aven: [Aven has left the chat]

While Aven is sharing that he isn't ready to get engaged FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT RACHEL, THE SUBJECT OF SAID DELAYED ENGAGEMENT, this is what Rachel is doing:

It's actually kind of terrible that they make these women watch the episode back live.

Shortly after telling her parents that she's sure about Aven and getting engaged because she wouldn't have brought him to meet them otherwise, Rachel finds out what that otherwise is.

Her friends share the minor detail that, you know, Aven isn't ready to get engaged yet, and judging by Rachel's reaction, this is brand new information.

One of Rachel's friends says he's actually "being logical" because he knows he wants to be with her and leave here to build a stable and real relationship but like GIRL GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE THIS SHOW ISN'T ABOUT BEING LOGICAL. WE'RE IN A FUN HOUSE ALL LOOKIN LIKE CLOWNS.

When Rachel and Aven sit down to talk, we quickly learn they're talking to each other through cups connected by a string except their cups are on completely different strings, continents apart (CUP PHONES ARE COOL, OKAY).

Rachel relays what her friends told her and she asks Aven what has changed since the last time they saw each other when he said he was ready to get engaged. And he's like "Nothing has changed! Oh, except when I said I was ready to get engaged, yeah that has changed, but otherwise, all good! No worries!"

They both grow increasingly frustrated — Rachel because Aven assured her he was ready to get engaged; Aven because he is confident he wants to be with Rachel and *those* feelings haven't changed; and me because I regret every decision that has led me to watching this.

As a note, we get a fun live interjection from Jesse really working for that Pulitzer when he asks Rachel "Why was it upsetting when Aven told you he wasn't ready to engaged?" DAAAAAAMN, really uncovering things we can't even imagine the answer to.

Back to the slow demise of this relationship. Rachel visits Aven later that evening and brings some corned beef to go along with the rehashing they're about to do about their relationship clearly being over. 

Honestly, I'd be this upset too if I was CHOOSING to breakup with a hot ass man (who is also kind and smart and blah blah, those things count I guess) just because he didn't want to abide by this show's random timeline required for engagement, but did want to continue building a strong relationship. 

To summarize: Aven knows he wants to be with Rachel, but thinks a relationship should be longer than a sneeze before getting engaged, while Rachel is like have you heard my album, it's called "Get Engaged or Die Tryin'." So yeah, they breakup. 

They're reunited for the first time during the live show and phew, Aven's not even my ex but even I regret the breakup.

But also, who let this man fill in his eyebrows with a Sharpie.

He apologizes for letting Rachel down and admits he didn't "fully understand" what she "needed and wanted," which again, since the dawn of time, the premise of this God-forsaken show has been "here's a single person who will speed date for 11 weeks before being contractually obligated to get engaged." Yes, this is incredibly stupid BUT WHY ARE ANY OF THESE MEN ACTING LIKE THIS IS BREAKING NEWS???? It'd be like if they went on a show called "Cookie Eating" and were shocked to learn it involves eating cookies.

Alright, so now that we know what happened with Zach and Aven, aka the best guys Rachel could've ended up with, let's get to the weirdo who she's likely getting engaged to.

This man gives me the ick

We've seen all of the pink and red Starbursts of Rachel's guys, but now there's only one stale yellow Starburst left and it's Tino. 

Wait also, who let Rachel wear a dress that looks like one of those uncomfortable blankets on the back of your grandma's couch. It seems her apparent beef with the wardrobe department continues.

Right, so Tino has grown creepier and creepier mostly because of the weird way he sort of whisper talks and also if he does end up proposing, I'm pretty sure he'll reveal a giant tattoo of Rachel's face on his back.

Before bringing him to meet her family and friends, Rachel says "I hope they like him because if they don't, I don't know what I'll do." I MEAN, YOU'LL JUST LEAVE HERE SINGLE??? IT'S NOT LIKE THE WORLD WILL IMPLODE??? Anyway, I honestly didn't take a lot of screenshots because I was worried that doing so would somehow reveal my home address to Tino and I can't risk that. I did capture this moment though with Rachel's mom, mostly because out of my peripheral vision, that white table thing with the holes looks like a giant wall outlet.

I'm now realizing that one of the production assistants really went ham at Home Goods. Why are there 20 vases surrounding this one couch.

Ultimately, the meeting goes well, which I mean, thank goodness, BECAUSE WHAT WOULD RACHEL HAVE DONE?? JUST BEEN SINGLE? UNTHINKABLE. DISGUSTING.

Okay, enough with Rachel who it's clear just wants to get engaged (to who, it doesn't matter okay, that's a small detail). To Gabby and her final guy!

When you realize you might be getting engaged to a mullet

Erich is Gabby's last guy and their relationship has grown a lot over the past few episodes (and they've already exchanged "I love you's"). What hasn't grown is the volume of Erich's voice or how big he opens his mouth to speak. Giving strong Lilly in Pitch Perfect vibes.

Source

Gabby is excited to introduce Erich to her family, but not as excited as I was to learn that I won the competition to correctly guess how many vases would be placed throughout the room:

The vase economy is thriving. And it seems Gabby and Erich's relationship is too because the family meeting goes pretty well — he tells them that he loves her and can't imagine life without her and they all think he's a great guy. So this train must be on track to Engagement Station, right? (Spoiler: no)

That night, Gabby heads to Erich's room for their last date (I guess the show spent all the budget on vases and can't afford something outside of the hotel).

Covering the peep hole after knocking cracks me up, but also, is this peep hole oddly low???

Anyway, they have a nice conversation where Erich once again tells Gabby that he loves her and wants to spend his life with her and things seem totally fine and by "totally fine" I mean:

Source

They walk out onto the balcony and it's clear Erich wants to talk to Gabby privately, but um, you're wearing a mic, bro. He tries talking even quieter than normal, but again, he's wearing a mic, so. While they're sharing the most strange hug in the history of hugs, he admits HE JUST WANTS TO DATE GABBY AND ISN'T SURE ABOUT GETTING ENGAGED.

Again, it's cruel to make these women watch the episode live without letting them get blackout drunk.

Y'all, the way Erich dropped this statement so casually. It'd be like if I spent several weeks being like "I FUCKING LOVE APPLES!!!! AND ONLY WANT APPLES FOREVER!!!!" and then when someone finally gave me a basket of apples, I responded with "Actually, I just want to be friends with apples."

This is obviously shocking for Gabby, so she walks out of the room (followed by all of the producers), but not before grabbing the bottle of champagne that was for their date.

I know I've provided several examples of why Gabby is the people's Bachelorette, but remembering to grab the alcohol that is hers because she's the mother fracking Bachelorette is another example to add to the list.

While she's walking down the hall, Erich calls out for her in his level two volume voice, so she doesn't (and shouldn't) respond and instead vents to an off-camera producer, saying she doesn't want to leave here with just a boyfriend.

It's also clear they took the bottle of champagne away from her because you know all she wants to do in this moment is take Moet & Chandon to the face.

And that's it! Rachel's last guy looks like the creepy ex in a Lifetime movie and Gabby's last guy just revealed his mullet is only boyfriend material. Things are going really well.

See you next week for the actual finale! I can't wait to get off this tortuous hamster wheel of a season! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).