Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's episode is brought to you by my girl Tia, who endured 8 weeks of Arie's bullshit only to be broken up with for a girl who literally told him she wasn't ready to get married:

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Arie learns what the word "taxidermy" means in Los Angeles
We kick off hometown dates with Taxidermy Kendall who welcomes Arie to Los Angeles by bringing him to her dead animals studio. She shows him a bunch of taxidermied animals and our beloved Arie responds like this:

I am positive he is reacting like this because he doesn't know what "taxidermy" means and assumes it is creatures who have recently died from doing their taxes. But Kendall eventually dumbs it down enough that Arie gets it and of course they sit down to taxidermy some rats, creating what appears to be an ad for a new dating site that I do not want to be a part of:

Kendall literally says "Here we have some rat skins." WTF. WHEN IN YOUR LIFE HAS SOMEONE SAID THAT AND YOU HAVEN'T FEARED FOR YOUR LIFE? Anyway, after this weird ass portion of the date that I think was included to prove to us that hey, taxidermists can be hot too, they go to Kendall's parents house for dinner.

They first engage in small talk which I didn't care about because the coot was once again ignored. And look at those big ass grapes! Also really liked the positioning of that porcelain buddha to face the camera:

We discover that Kendall's parents are apparently huge "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" fans because Kendall's twin sister's name is Kylie. This girl is actually my favorite because she's wearing some silky pajama top and thick ass gold hoops:

And the bold red lip color! So typical of a Kylie. She is skeptical as hell of Arie and tells Kendall that she doesn't think Arie is her "undeniable love." Um yes that is fact because this show is just a glorified version of that TLC show 90-Day Fiancee. Essentially all of Kendall's family shares the same doubts, but they say they "trust Kendall's judgement." I'm not sure what track record they're going off of, but based on the fact that she let a show record her playing an ukulele to a dead animal, I'm going to say her judgement isn't the best.

At this point we also learn that Kendall is not ready to be engaged yet because YES THAT IS NORMAL SHE HAS ONLY KNOWN THIS GROSS ASS MAN FOR 8 WEEKS. She tells Arie that she's on her way to getting there and also admits that she has trouble talking about her feelings, all of which is lost on our broken lightbulb Arie who replies with "I love that you're talking to me" and also "MMMMMM" like she's a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

Tia brings a little wiener to Weiner, Arkansas

Tia welcomes Arie to her hometown by jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around him because I think all of the women are contractually obligated to do so:

And Arie reiterates where he is because even he is in disbelief that this is real life and he's dating all of these women at once and this isn't just an intense session of playing The Sims. Tia takes him to a dirt track where they race cars, which is pretty cool to be honest and anyway this is what she looks like after driving in a hot ass car around a dusty, dirty track:

I'm glad we can agree that it is outright unfair that Tia is gorgina and smart and funny and just a nice person. For reference, this is what I look like after driving around in even the slightest wind or heat or air or any element:

They then head to Tia's parents house for dinner, and I immediately decided it was my favorite place because of this specific reason:

PIGS IN A BLANKET! AND A BOWL OF PIGS OUT OF A BLANKET! Oh God. I am salivating looking at this. Little known fact for all of the men reading this hoping to court me, all it takes to win my heart is a big ass platter of pigs in a blanket with a side of tater tots while you blast Danity Kane. Textbook way to a woman's heart.

After they do a pigs-in-a-blanket cheers, Tia's brother Jason talks with Arie. He lets him know that he's heard Arie is a "playboy" and known to be kind of a player to which all human beings on the planet replied with:

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It's important to distinguish a "player" from a "man who somehow weaseled himself onto a show that creates a psychologically confusing environment that convinces women that they like a garbage dude." I had barely recovered from laughing when Jason said he thought Arie was a "bad boy." A BAD BOY. HAHAHA. YOU GUYS, ARIE. A BAD BOY. The only thing bad about Arie is his face. And personality. And also his fashion.

Arie also obviously spoke with Tia's dad, a precious southern man with a bombass handlebar mustache:

In the end, Tia tells Arie that she loves him and I have a feeling she couldn't hear me screaming "YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER, HONEY." He punishes her proclamation of love by tangling his greasy pigs-in-a-blanket hands in her hair while aiming his mouth at her face:

What's her face brings him to Minnesota

Yeah that's right, Becca is still here you guys. She greeted him in the that way she is required to and we got to see it in a totally non-creepy way through some bushes:

They go apple picking and do some other white people stuff and we are forced to watch Arie destroy an apple with his mouth as if the apple is alive or something. Luckily, the producers maintain this weird voyeuristic camera situation so the leaves and branches mask some of the carnage:

Later they go to this little stand to make caramel apples and while dipping the apples, Becca says "You have to stick it in all the way," which I'm sure Arie has heard before. HAHA OMG EW GROSS YOU GUYS, STOP IT.

Arie meets Becca's family for dinner, which includes her mom and a few of her uncles who are especially protective of her since her dad's death. Her mom shares some of her concerns about the whole process and anyway here is Arie's face while she is being open and honest:

Honestly I think his brain could not formulate an intelligent response because he's so used to just eating a woman's lips when he doesn't know what to say. But like, you can't do that to someone's mom, ya know. He spent most of the conversation looking like someone asked him to divide 30 by 10, but he doesn't have 30 fingers so he doesn't know how to calculate it.

Future wife Lauren B. brings him to Virginia Beach

How the hell did none of these women rip their pants? I bet those rips on Lauren's knees are literally from this moment of jumping into Arie's arms. Also, anytime I've done this (and it's been pretty rare) my ass crack has always shown. Very reliable. 

The show saved Lauren for last as if we needed any other sign that Arie is definitely picking her and she brought him to Virginia Beach where her parents live. They first rode horses on the beach and held hands, which sounds cheesy but also kind of hard? To cling onto the horse with your thighs while reaching for someone's hand. No thanks.

In continuing this terrible Hallmark movie, they go to the top of a lighthouse to hug and stare off into what appears to just be barren land:

Also at one point, based on the background and lighting, their date became an episode of Laguna Beach (which coincidentally enough also featured several Laurens). You could throw this shot into an episode and people would just assume it's Lauren Conrad's new neighbor here to steal Jason away while also taking over the charity fashion show.

After horsing and lighthousing around, they make their way to Lauren's parents' house for dinner and we are all shocked to learn that her family is whiter than a loaf of Wonder Bread at a White Wine tasting in White Plains, New York. Her dad, who is a Navy vet, comes off pretty intimidating and says that if Arie hurts Lauren, he'll kill him. That's great and all but the best part is Lauren's mom making this face 98% of the time she is near Arie:

MAMA LAUREN B HAS ZERO TIME FOR ARIE'S FUCKERY. She is skeptical the entire time and keeps telling Arie in several different ways that she doesn't think this process is the most reliable. She asks him about the other women on the show and if he says the same things to them that he does to Lauren or if he compartmentalizes each relationship, which anyway she loses Arie at that point because he has no idea what "compartmentalize" means. I assure you he was shocked he pronounced it correctly on the first go. He says he is genuine in what he says to Lauren and wouldn't say it to the other women which, as we all know as viewers with eyes and ears, is a lie. He says the same recycled shit to each woman like his brain is just a looping teleprompter. 

He eventually asks for her permission to propose should the time come, to which she basically says "Eh, I mean, no but like I guess if Lauren likes you, there's nothing I can do which sucks because you are about as much of a catch as an old shoe."

Want to note here that Lauren has been engaged twice before, most recently to Chris Crane, a professional hockey player who kind of looks like a mix between Tim Tebow and Chris Pratt:

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I'm not saying Lauren is downgrading but haha jk that's exactly what I'm saying. The previews for next week seem to suggest that one of the ladies' exes shows up and I hope it's this dude who looks like he could make Arie cry by sneezing.

OFFICIAL CAMPAIGN FOR TIA TO BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

So Arie shows up to the Rose Ceremony in the same old ass suit he wears every week complemented by the same constipated expression:

He decides to be extra dramatic this week and asks to speak with Kendall before handing out roses. Here's a summary of their convo:

Arie: I don't know if I should keep you around if you aren't ready to be engaged

Kendall: I'm not ready to be engaged

Arie: But are you ready to be engaged

Kendall: No

Arie: K, coo

So anyway HE FUCKING GIVES HER A ROSE. And sends Tia home. You guys. I hate this show but I love Tia and felt so bad for her. She was crying and asking Arie's dumbass what she did wrong (nothing, she did nothing wrong) and as we all know he is about as good at comforting as he is at kissing (read: atrocious). Tia going home set off a few emotions, which I'll let my girl Cardi B express:

Me when Arie said Kendall's name over Tia's:

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Me remembering a critical fact about Tia in regards to Arie:

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Me realizing this means Tia can be the Bachelorette now:

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Still sad to see her go because she was the last of my favorites and it's going to be boring as hell to watch Arie pretend to like Becca and Kendall when he just wants to propose to Lauren. But so glad that Tia can be the Bachelorette! Proof that sometimes when life closes a hideous door, it opens a window leading to several hot men. A hot men window, if you will.

Anyway, I'm off to mentally prepare for two episodes next week. See you then!

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Lauren making this face while having no time for Baby Bekah's immature bullshit:

"Everything looks better here"
Well, not everything Becca. Other Becca got the first one-on-one date in Tuscany which was good because I had completely forgotten about her. Other Becca is like that shirt you bought at H&M when you wanted to "try something new," but then put that shirt away, only finding it while cleaning out your closet to be like "oh shit, this shirt is still here."

Arie was sure to make up for lost time by melon balling her head and I hope she has dry shampoo because the way his fingers were in her hair, I bet it was oily as hell afterwards.

They walked around an apparently empty Tuscany and ate bread and went into a store to pick out coot wherein Arie knew the names of no cheeses or meats except for salami. While picking up bread, he said "How do you say small in Italian?" and yes I have many jokes about "small" but I'd rather let you use your imagination. Let's just say Becca probably needs to know the Italian word for small not to describe the meats but to describe other...meats (OHHH BURN).

At one point she says, "You're so easy to travel with," which yes Becca, it is really easy to travel with someone who has a major network paying for everything and reserving restaurants and planning everything. I hope she knows that if she marries Arie, that stuff is down the pooper and she'll have to move to Arizona and there won't be endless wine and coot.

Becca tells Arie that he'd be the first guy she brought home since her last serious boyfriend of seven years. She adds that they weren't really "official" though and that Arie would be the first guy she brings home that she "really likes and cares about." WTF SEVEN YEARS. AND YOU'RE NOT OFFICIAL? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL? In my parents' eyes, I was basically official with Zac Efron because I talked about him constantly and made them watch High School Musical. So I don't know what Becca classifies as "official."

Ultimately she tells him she's falling for him and he gives her a rose and they make out in a dark alleyway.

Anne Hathaway cried a lot 

Jacqueline starts to doubt her future with Arie, wondering how he would interact with her family. This actually made me wonder how hometown dates will go. Especially since Arie gets to know people by making out with them. Have the producers old him yet that it is generally frowned upon to attempt to make out with your girlfriend's parents?

Anyway, Jacqueline, who really missed an opportunity by not having the girls call her "Jac-Quee," goes to Arie's room to tell him how she's feeling. She drinks a shit ton of his wine before telling him that she isn't confident enough in her feelings to bring him home to meet her family. STANDING OVATION FOR JAC-QUEE BECAUSE YES. Oh, but wait:

This whole interaction was confusing because between telling Arie she didn't like him enough, she also made out with him. It's like when you're trying to walk away from a pecan pie, but you keep coming back for bites of it. Except wait no, comparing Arie to pecan pie is so insulting to pecan pie. To clarify, Arie is more like a freezer-burned half-eaten container of vanilla ice cream. And not like Edy's or Dreyer's, but that weird K-Mart brand.

Jac-Quee finally has enough of his old ass ice cream and making out and leaves. But not before her and Kendall share the most dramatic Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants goodbye hug.

In which we are forced to watch Arie eat gelato

I could've gone my whole life without seeing Arie interact with an ice cream cone. Though we learned that he treats savory foods, sweet foods, and mouths all the same. Very much like "need to have this whole thing in my mouth at once."

For the second one-on-one, Arie takes Lauren B. out again because we all remember how enthralling and exciting their last date was. They bike around and Arie proceeds to do this, and to summarize this is why people think Americans are obnoxious.

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Then they got pizza that appeared to be Hawaiian pizza because when you go to Italy you obviously get the FUCKING WORST KIND OF PIZZA THAT ISN'T A REAL KIND OF PIZZA.

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I bet it was Arie too who was like "Oh, you know, like we should you know like try this really amazing type of like you know pizza." This moment also taught us that based on the way they are eating it, neither of them has had pizza before.

We then got a totally unorchestrated scene of them playing soccer with some local kids to remind us how unathletic Arie is. And in continuing this marathon of trying to turn us off the most, Arie says, "Sunset is going to be so good" as if he is a caveman who has never seen a sunset before. SUN GO DOWN, BE VERY GOOD.

They then have dinner and Lauren lets Arie know that she's scared to introduce him to her parents because he would be the first guy since her ex. She eventually tells him that she's falling for him and his immediate response is to leave the table to Justin Timberlake Man in the Woods walk around. Dramatic and extra as hell (both Arie and Justin Timberlake). He returns and tells Lauren that he's falling for her too and naturally they go make out next to this tree:

Seinne can be the Bachelorette now
The third one-on-one date went to the girl most out of Arie's league, Seinne. For the first part of their date, they hunt for truffles which is fine, but the best part was this:

The second best thing was that Seinne wore literal club clothes to search for truffle poop outdoors:

DO YOU, GIRL. They have lunch with this lovely Italian family that serves up homemade pasta AND pizza. Carbs with a side of carbs. For those of you wondering, this is who I wish the Bachelor was:

Later at dinner, after Seinne admits she is nervous about bringing someone home to meet her family, Arie says she is clearly a logical person whereas he leads with his heart. He then says "I'm trying to be really logic and emotional." HE'S TRYING TO BE LOGIC. LIKE THE NOUN. OR THE RAPPER, WHO KNOWS.

Seinne continued to clearly express her feelings while Arie said that he was struggling to find a deep connection with her like he found on the first two dates because again, we all remember the super stimulating conversation between him and Becca and him and Lauren.

He eventually tells her he can't give her the rose while making this stupid ass face holding the rose like it's a taco:

I think Bekah's mom is here to pick her up
The last date includes Baby Bekah, Taxidermy Kendall and Weiner Tia. They walk around this beautiful estate and then all of them ignore this wondrous spread of sandwiches and breadsticks and nuts and dear God I hate this show.

Arie goes to chat with Kendall first and in leading her away from the group we get verification that he has no ass:

I hope someone else brought the buns to this barbecue because things are looking pretty sparse. Anyway, Kendall spills her feelings and gives her Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You speech, to which Arie thoughtfully responds with "Yeah...." and also "Yeah...."

Tia is next and she let's Arie know that Baby Bekah might not be on the same page because it seems like she isn't taking it seriously and everyone knows The Bachelor is a serious program. And honestly I love Tia's accent so she can talk shit about someone all day if she wants. Plus, Arie is obviously not listening to a word she's saying and is just staring at her mouth before swooping in with his eagle talon lips to do this:

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF THESE WOMEN WANTING TO KISS HIM. WTF. I TOOK A POLL AND WE THE WORLD ARE IN AGREEMENT THAT ARIE HAS THE MOST DISGUSTING LIPS ON THE PLANET.

Anyway, Tia goes back and tells Baby Bekah "Yo, I was talking shit about you and I told Arie that you're not serious about being here but also I feel like your big sister." And so what's the best way to deal with this and prove to Arie that you're serious and mature?

By having Arie cradle you like a literal baby while you cry saying "Tia told me that she told you..." of course! Oh honey. I can hear the Steven Madden slip-on sandals flopping around like this is some drama unfolding at a middle school dance.

So then we get to the rose part and Arie has two roses to give. Kendall gets the first one because duh of course he has to choose between Tia and Bekah, that's suspenseful. And so the 3-on-1 date becomes a 2-on-1.

At dinner, Arie chats with Tia first and she tells him she's falling in love with him and honestly all I remember from this conversation is Arie pronouncing "picture" as "pitcher." In context: "I can just pitcher your family." Are we even sure Arie has read a book before? And not like a pop-up book, like a real book with words that aren't size 72 font.

He then chats with Bekah and they sit on this couch in a completely normal and comfortable way:

In the history of sitting on couches, no one has ever sat on a couch like this and felt comfortable. How dead was her leg when she got up? It looks like she just has a rogue foot growing out of her other leg. Anyway, she told him she was falling for him and he ONCE AGAIN said "I'm just trying to be logic." NOT LOGICAL, LOGIC. So at this point it's clear he wants to be the rapper, Logic.

In the end, Arie decides to give Tia the rose and Bekah actually exits pretty gracefully, telling Arie that she knows it'll turn out well for him in the end. And then she gets in the car and this happens:

She was doing some deep crying, like the kind you do when a dog dies in a movie or during any episode of This Is Us or during the entire second half of "The Fault in Our Stars."

And with Bekah's exit, we're down to our four hometown ladies: Other Becca, Boring But Beautiful Lauren, Taxidermy Kendall and Weiner Tia. I'll let Tia close out this post:

The proper reaction to Arie asking "Wanna go talk for a bit?"

Tia always knows what's up. 

See you next week for hometown dates!

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by my main Carolina girl, Jenna, who sadly was sent home at the end of the episode. But not before she got to ho' out and enjoy the Moulin Rouge group date.

In which we witness a horrifyingly boring date
According to Arie, he was saving a Paris one-on-one date for Lauren B. Lucky girl! Because she got to do things like walk around a market while carrying what appears to be a copy of Breaking Dawn or the last Harry Potter book.

Dear God this date was painful to watch. While Arie is a terrible conversationalist/man/human, we can usually rely on one of the ladies to drive the conversation while he drools or stares at their mouths. But Lauren B. spent most of the date making this face:

While she admitted during dinner that she has trouble opening up because of trust issues, I'd like to think her silence was also due to her own inner monologue screaming "YO LAURIE, WHAT ARE WE DOING. WE HOT. WE SMART. DIS DUDE IS WACK." Honestly she was probably also pissed that while they were walking around, Arie's greedy ass hogged the cheese and baguette while she was left with the world's tiniest wine glass that in no way held the amount of alcohol needed to endure a day with Arie:

And he smacked that cheese while trying to get her to admit feelings for him, eventually saying he didn't know if she liked him by using the word "like" a record number of times in one sentence: "So like, I don't know, like, I just want to like, know that like, you like me, you know."

Despite them not talking the whole day aside from saying "Wow" and "Cool" and "Oh wow" to all of the Paris sights, Arie still gave her a rose and we were all punished with this:

And while this screenshot was from an earlier moment in the night, this is how I feel Lauren actually wanted to react to Arie's kissing:

Creole Lady Marmalaaaaaade
For the group date, Arie brings the ladies to Moulin Rouge wherein they're forced to learn choreography and wear seemingly really itchy outfits that look like every weird bejeweled thing you find in the clearance bin at Forever21, sewn together.

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And ABC kept censoring all of the ladies' butts because GASP NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN A BUTT BEFORE HOW OBSCENE, but meanwhile they assault our innocent eyes with graphic images of Arie eating faces every week. It makes no sense.

This also gives you a good enough view of Arie dressed as a magician, apparently. In his defense, I will make fun of anything he wears because you can't dress up a garbage can. You'll always know it's garbage underneath.

I have to note that all of the women felt so out of their element and unsure about their dancing abilities and how they looked in their outfits. Except for my girl, Jenna. She was living.

Here we have Seinne talking to the woman who kind of coached them through the experience, and wondering how she looks. Meanwhile Jenna is full peacocking. She said this was the best thing to happen to her and while the other women were complaining about her outfits, she said she could live in it all day for the rest of her life. TEAM JENNA FOREVER.

We then had an intermission for the actual date portion of the evening, where the ladies changed out of their feathers into super cutesy outfits while Arie showed up in an H&M T-shirt because he dresses like your 22-year-old grad student TA:

And it's like this man has never seen skin on a woman before and he has to touch it to make sure this is real life and he isn't in the video game simulation he's usually in. And while the women attempted to have deep conversations with him and connect with him like he has any level of emotional aptitude, this was the face he made:

Y'all, I have seen a wider range of emotions from dryer lint. At one point, Seinne tells him that she feels a connection with him and she's so eloquent and anyway this is his response: "So like, just don't like, you know, like, put up too many like walls, okay." SOMEONE GET SEINNE OUT OF THERE.

Then in a non-shocking turn of events, Arie gives the group date rose to Baby Bekah, who, obviously this is the part where I bring up the fact that SHE WAS A MISSING PERSON. YOU GUYS. To summarize, she was living with her mom in California then told her she was going off to chase her dreams working on a marijuana farm. A few days later, her mom called her to tell her to come home, Lil' Bekah said no and that she'd be home in a week. Then a week later she hadn't returned and her mom didn't hear from her so she reported her as missing. The police couldn't get in contact with her so she was placed on the missing persons list. And she's been there since last November. DESPITE THE FACT SHE'S BEEN ON ALL SOCIAL MEDIA, WTF. She was finally removed from the list when a local publication contacted the police department to be like "Um, that missing girl is getting her face eaten on The Bachelor, so I don't think she's missing."

My point here is, I don't think Bekah ever made it to the marijuana farm and that is honestly higher (hehe) on my list than being on a show with Lips Eater but alas here she is in a questionable choker.

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Which blonde white woman will he choose?!
For the first 2-on-1 date, Arie brings kookoo Krystal and taxidermy Kendall to a French chateau. Fashion wise, Krystal arrives dressed as the mean girl from every 90s teen movie while Kendall opts for "love interest in a Nicholas Sparks movie that takes place in the 40s."

Half of the date includes Arie running into this giant bush maze and having them find their way through it to him. So basically, Krystal and Kendall are mice in a maze experiment and Arie is the smelly, disgusting, unattractive, useless, moldy cheese at the end. It's no wonder Kendall chose not to find him.

Following this useless first part of the date, the three of them move to a different area where they can more properly ignore these desserts:

Arie then steals Krystal away for a bit to chat and she continues to serve us this same cold dish of "I'm not crazy." Between Arie touching every hair on her head while saying romantic things like "Yeah..." and "Like, yeah," she lets him know that she wasn't ready to give up the "color and texture" of their relationship as if it is some sort of fancy comforter. He accepts her semi-apology, saying he thinks she's genuine in her feelings for him and not at all because he has been looking at her mouth like it's a Thanksgiving ham.

Krystal also does quite a bit of shit talking about Kendall, calling out the fact that Kendall hasn't been in love and clearly isn't ready for marriage. And while he doesn't say it, I know Arie wants to say "Well I mean, she makes out with me and let's me melon squeeze her head, so yes, she is definitely ready for marriage."

Krystal, being the unabashed kookaburra that she is, lets Kendall know that she talked shit about her and here's Kendall's face as she's telling her:

Every single one of us has made this face. Sometimes it's the face you make when you're thinking "Please stop talking to me so I can eat these chicken nuggets I just got for lunch." Sometimes it's the one you make as your coworker explains this "amazing, life changing" hemp juice cleanse they're trying. In Kendall's case, it's the one she makes while considering whether or not to kick Krystal's ass. She ultimately doesn't, and surprisingly is really kind to her, saying that she understands that she has been through a lot and blah blah. This literally baffles Krystal who always thought "empathy" was just a supplement you could add to your smoothie at Jamba Juice.

So then they go to a fancy dinner that is not prepared by the rat in Ratatouille, which, what is even the point in going to Paris if you don't do that. Luckily there are giant glasses of wine.

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Ultimately, Arie gives Kendall the rose and to rub salt in the pork roast, Arie and Kendall then immediately leave together. This left me with a burning question that I know you guys were wondering too:

ARE THOSE GIANT MOUNDS OF RICE? OR MAYBE CHEESECAKE? OR A TART? DEAR GOD LET ME KNOW. I hope Krystal ate everyone's portion and drank all the wine on the premises. 

And thanks ABC for this super dramatic shot featuring a dimly lit Krystal with the Eiffel Tower in the background. I know we're meant to feel sorry for her, like "Oh, look at this lonely woman." But um, she's got a table full of food and a shit ton of French ass wine with an amazing view without any mouth interruptions from Arie. Who's the real winner here.

"Arie looks so hot being all mechanic'y"

Arie shows up in this fancy car to take Jacqueline on the last one-on-one date and they don't get out of the parking lot before it breaks down. A perfect opportunity for Arie, who is a race car driver and is constantly talking about his "knowledge" of cars, to fix it, right? HAHA NO. Girl please. This is the same dumbass face every man makes when he thinks he can fix something. And no offense to any dumbass men, y'all even know you make this face that's like "How dare this thing break when I need it and not fix itself as I need it and I am a man who needs it."

Anyway, after Derek Zoolander beating on it and realizing it won't run, Arie suggests they take a cab to their first destination, which is this cute boutique. He buys Jacqueline a dress because how dare she come wearing a dress she chose on her own and because Arie, who wears the same blue button down and bobo ass slip-on shoes every week, has a great fashion sense.

During dinner, Arie admits that he's intimidated by Jacqueline because she is so intelligent. And she asks him "Why do you think you wouldn't gravitate toward someone who is intelligent?" And to answer for Arie:

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We learn that she plans to get her Ph.D. in clinical psychology and in response to this, Arie says: "I don't see her ambitions as a hindrance but as an obstacle that we have to get through." IN WHAT WORLD ARE WE USING "HINDRANCE" AS A DESCRIPTOR FOR "AMBITIONS"? AND ARE YOU KIDDING ME, AN OBSTACLE? SWEET BABY CORN I CANNOT HANDLE HIM.

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Despite all of this and despite me throwing every academic textbook I have at the TV, he offers a rose to Jacqueline and she accepts.

Later during the Rose Ceremony, Carolina Jenna and Mom Chelsea are sent home. I knew Jenna's time was coming and I wasn't that upset because I know she's ready to get back to Raleigh and get drunk and eat Bojangles at 3 a.m. But Chelsea! Relatively shocked that he chose Other-Non-Baby Bekah over her. 

Favorite of the week: Tia

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For no real standout reason except for her consistently amazing brows. Also, can we all agree that she looks exactly like Jana Kramer, aka, Alex Dupre from One Tree Hill?

See you all next week! Til then, find me creeping around here.