Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 10 + Men Tell All)

This week's double-episode recap is brought to you by Tayshia wearing the same dress I wore to Homecoming senior year of high school.

The only difference is this probably isn't from a store in Okinawa called "Vanilla Essence" that primarily specializes in silky club dresses and also the fact that Tayshia's makeup, hair and face are all better than mine. BUT THAT'S IT.

We're starting this week with 8 guys and need to get down to 4 for hometowns then 3 by the end of the episode, so like my AT&T internet service, Tayshia has a lot of breaking up to do. Let's get to it!

(As a heads up, like Ben's buns, this week's writeup is extra meaty, so brace yourselves.)

"Nothing up until this point really matters"

This is actually a really accurate statement by Blake ahead of his one-on-one with Tayshia. I remain surprised that he stuck around for this long, considering how Clare'ly obsessed he was and how little he's actually invested in his relationship with Tayshia. But I guess keeping him around was worth it because we get to see him and Tayshia in matching outfits for their date:

Because Blake's persona on this show has so far been centered on being naked and talking about sex, it makes sense that their date features a reiki practitioner and crystal master (aka a white lady who makes people call her a non-white name).

They spend some time softly talking and holding crystals (can someone please explain the crystals phenomenon to me, thanks), before the white lady informs Tayshia and Blake that she needs them to disrobe. Which, even though Blake should be used to this by now, his reaction is still:

For what it's worth, they don't get fully naked, just naked enough for muumuu lady to read their chakras (we later get an entertaining clip from this during the Men Tell All). 

They conclude their session with some tantric breathing and intense mounted eye contact surrounded by what appears to be Christmas ornaments (happy holidays!):

In her interview, Tayshia admits "When I looked into his eyes, I was looking for more confidence and validation about our situation and I didn't see it," aka she's about to send him home.

They hardly make it through five minutes of staged bench sitting time before Tayshia tells Blake he isn't her guy. She tells him that their timing is off and they just haven't progressed before walking him and his very sweaty shirt to his Uber:

After he leaves, she gets super emotional about sending him home, but staring off into the distance also gives her clarity about "something else" she needs to do.

And that something else is....

Sending Riley home

You know when you procrastinate doing something and then when you finally do it, you're super motivated and it ends up taking no time? Okay so that is Tayshia now, realizing she has to dump so many more guys before hometowns. 

After breaking up with Blake, she heads to the guys' suite to talk to Riley and by "talk" I mean break up with.

She tells him she feels so comforted and safe with him, but basically isn't feeling it and doesn't want to keep leading him on especially into a situation that involves meeting his family because she knows how important his family is.

As they're saying goodbye, he FOREHEAD KISSES HER (which as I've pointed out makes me feel human emotions) and tells her "This is your journey and I am happy to have been a part of it." TEARS.

Unfortunately this is the screenshot I happened to get, pure coincidence, I cannot fight my own art.

And then there were four

Tayshia is still on a roll with dumping dudes, so much so that she decides she doesn't need a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony because she already knows what she wants to do. As a reminder, the guys remaining are Ben (who already has a rose), Zac, Ivan, Brendan and Noah. Oh and Bennett too because remember how he returned last week looking like the Grinch? Tayshia let him stay for the Rose Ceremony for shits and giggles.

In a series of events surprising no one, Noah and Bennett are sent home, leaving us with this top four:

I was sure to capture the best angle of each guy.

When the "all" the men have to "tell" is not much

Before we can get to hometowns, we take an intermission for the Men Tell All, which has about as many couches as it does men and takes place inside a kaleidoscope.

Aside from making the men, especially Blake and Riley who were the most recent dumpees, relive their breakups, I guess the point of this "tell all" is to confirm to Tayshia that she made the right choice in not choosing guys like:

Neck'tarine Ed who was unanimously named Manspreader of the Year:

This laughing hyena whose name I don't remember because we haven't seen him since he left 1000 years ago after he couldn't get over the 15 minutes he spent with Clare (not really sure why they included him anyway??):

And Boyband Man (not sure I've ever known his name) who wore a camo suit???

The only worthwhile moments were when we got to see the return of the black box during this unseen moment (emphasis on unseen) of Blake during his one-on-one with Tayshia when another....one....joined their date.

And also more seriously, when Tayshia and Riley talked for the first time since their breakup and she reassured him he didn't "scare her away" by opening up. 

Want to give kudos to Tayshia for chatting with the guys and not getting distracted by what appears to be a bejeweled pot roast: 

Or maybe it's some sort of Coca-Cola gemstone from a Coke mine? Y'all let me know.

After this momentary distraction, we're onto hometowns! And since they can't travel, each guy is tasked with planning a "hometown" date within the resort that'll later feature members of their family. 

It's like the Bachelorette version of Chopped, so let's see what random things these dudes throw together!

Brendan, the one who doesn't realize how hot he is

Brendan is up first and he plans a "carnival day" for his date with Tayshia because fairs and carnivals "happen often" in the small town he's from. Upon hearing this, no matter what his bio says, I'm just going to assume he's from Stars Hollow. 

His niece, Aliyah, joins them for the day, which gives Tayshia a glimpse into how great of a father Brendan would be.

After playing an assortment of games in Stars Hollow, Brendan then takes us back to The Parent Trap and he and Aliyah show us their "secret handshake." This is quickly followed by random dancing, therefore giving us this moment:

Source

While seeing white men dance generally causes me to have an intense allergic reaction, I found this extremely entertaining, I think because it reminded me of this otter (and ya girl LOVES otters and also LOVES Brendan, so).

Later, along with Aliyah, Tayshia gets to meet Brendan's brother (who he says is the most important person in his life) and sister-in-law. I do not remember Brendan's brother's name but I do remember his sister-in-law's name — Kristi. I'm assuming she spells it like that because it is the only accurate way to spell it, thanks.

All of the family chats go well — Brendan tells his brother that he wants a close family like his; Brendan's brother tells Tayshia that while he didn't think Brendan was ready for marriage a couple years ago, he can see that he's ready now; and Brendan's sister-in-law and Tayshia talk about how both Tayshia and Brendan have been divorced before, but that doesn't have to hang over their relationship now.

Everyone likes everyone and the evening ends with Tayshia and Brendan kissing in front of the (apparently only) fountain at this resort.

I am obsessed with Brendan and his soft spoken voice and also, he is clearly taking this whole engagement ordeal seriously for both his and Tayshia's sake since they've done this before. More importantly, this man is (to steal Chasen's very creative descriptor) a smoke show. As far as I know, that's the number one quality you need in a husband? Feel free to fact check me.

Zac, the one who thinks he's hot, but is very very not

Because it's been a few weeks since I first said it and also because I don't mind reiterating it, I call Zac "Circus Peanut" because Tayshia liking him makes about as much sense as someone picking circus peanuts as their favorite candy. 

For his date with Tayshia, Circus Peanut plans an "NYC day," which is exactly what someone from New Jersey would do. He first brings her to a cart of "New York bagels," aka bagels from the show's craft services tent. And next to the bagels is this ALARMING ASSORTMENT OF BAGEL "TOPPINGS":

WHO THE HELL IS PUTTING GUMMY BEARS AND SOUR GUMMY WORMS ON A BAGEL????? I HATE THIS DATE.

Next up, Zac treats Tayshia to "real New York pizza":

The fact check here is that no matter what anyone tells you, there is nothing more "real" than drunkenly eating a slice of 99 cent pizza while walking home. Beyond that, this pizza scene is troubling because of how tiny a bite Tayshia is taking when pizza is made to be eaten in gigantic bites. I don't make the rules.

Because this "NYC day" has been about as New York as Friends filming on a sound stage in Los Angeles, they end the day making out in the resort's fountain???

I know personally, there's nothing I want to do after a day of only eating carbs than get into a public fountain.

Later, Tayshia gets to meet Zac's parents and brother:

During the family conversations, Zac's brother asks Tayshia where Zac "ranks" among her relationships with the other guys. Because Tayshia does not owe shit to nobody, especially this man she just met 15 seconds ago, she skirts the question, which Zac's brother realizes she's doing. Despite that, their conversation goes well, as does Tayshia's chat with Zac's dad who says he can tell Zac's "smitten" and calls Tayshia a "wonderful person."

Zac's conversation with his mom is maybe the only time I've *slightly* liked him.

He tells her how grateful he is for her and that she is the reason he's alive. His mom says she just wants him to be happy and he's like well that's a coincidence because Tayshia makes me happy. Tayshia's conversation with his mom also goes well and everyone likes everyone.

They end the night with Zac's signature bobbing-for-apples looking makeout special, which is just another reminder of how baffled I am at Tayshia's attraction to him. Because of his, I predict he'll be one of the top two.

Ivan, the sweetheart (who is also really really hot)

For his date, Ivan asks Tayshia: "Are ready to get a little taste of what makes me, me?" And to that I say yes please, I'll have one of everything on the menu and the menu itself, thanks. As it turns out, Ivan is referring to actual taste and cooking and food and such.

Ivan talks about how he is half Filipino and food has always been a big part of his heritage and he wants to share some of that with Tayshia. They first watch a video from his "friend" who is "one of the world's most famous Filipino chefs" — and it's his adorable little niece cooking lumpia. 

Love this random assortment of items from the clearance section at Home Goods. They leave this staged setup of tools they do not need to head into the kitchen to make lumpia, which I've never made before, but I have eaten hundreds of at a time many times in the past. 

They end up semi-burning them probably because of the added heat produced by Ivan's hot bod, but he still lets Tayshia feed him one (and immediately makes a face letting us know they didn't turn out so great).

During this segment, we also get entirely too many shots of SHOES IN THE HOUSE????

THIS SHOW PURPOSELY TRIES TO CAUSE ME PAIN. PLEASE. I NEED EVERYONE TO STOP WEARING SHOES IN THE HOUSE. 

Later, they continue to wear their shoes inside while meeting Ivan's parents. 

These family chats also go well. Even though Ivan's mom is skeptical of this whole thing (AS SHE SHOULD BE THIS SHOW IS BONKERS), she can see he's happy and that's what matters. Ivan's dad says he's impressed by Tayshia, but just wants them both to be sure about marriage (THE NORMAL PIECE OF ADVICE THAT SHOULD BE GIVEN).

When Ivan is chatting with his mom, she tells him all that matters is how he feels and she asks what comes next, now that they've met Tayshia. Ivan says "Next is meeting her parents and then there's a Fantasy Suites type situation and then...." I'm sorry but my mom would not let me glaze over the words "Fantasy Suites." She would IMMEDIATELY be like "wtf, fantasy, what, what is that" and then I'd do a body roll and say "BODY'ODY TIME" and then she would be exhausted that this is the way I am.

Ultimately, both of his parents are happy about the situation, but Ivan is a little sad that his brother, who's his best friend that knows him best, couldn't be here. As he's saying that, guess who walks in:

Ivan's brother, Gabriel, surprises the group and Ivan cries and it's honestly really sweet. 

Gabriel's talks with Ivan and Tayshia and tells them both he can see this is real and likes them as a couple.
So, much like the other two hometown dates, everyone likes everyone. The night ends well, so well that Ivan gives Tayshia the ol' "good game" butt pat before they say goodnight:

Wait, maybe this isn't the same as the "good game" pat. Anyway, I think Ivan will be the other guy in the top 2, but because he's the whole hot package, Tayshia will not pick him because she has a craving for circus peanuts. 

Ben, the secretly very sensitive one (who is also really really hot)

While Tayshia did this jump and koala-leg-wrap thing to every guy, Ben was the best at receiving it. You can tell how sturdy he is??? Like I bet his kidneys and lungs have abs.

For their date, Ben recreates the place he feels most himself, Venice Beach, and takes Tayshia for some rollerblading and other "Venice Beach" things like drinking juice shots and shopping for souvenirs.

I love this partially because it's fun and partially because it reminds me of my rollerblading glory days when I thought because I could jump a curb, I was surely headed for the X Games. 

They end the day portion of their date by hanging out in the pool and Ben tells Tayshia he's ready for marriage, but tbh the most important thing we get is this shirtless interview:

WHY HAVEN'T ALL OF BEN'S INTERVIEWS BEEN SHIRTLESS?? Also, I don't know how upset I should be that Ben's boobs are bigger than mine. 

Later, unfortunately Ben puts clothes back on so Tayshia can meet his sister and "close family friend, Antonia." AND BY ANTONIA, HE MEANS TOP CHEF AND CELEB CHEF ANTONIA LOFASO:

When Tayshia chats with Ben's sister, she tells her how perfect she thinks Ben is and his sister reassures her that he doesn't hide anything, but it sometimes takes time to break down his walls (which again, this man has already shared two very deeply personal things two weeks in a row, so).

During Ben's chat with CELEBRITY CHEF ANTONIA (I can't get over this), he says he likes how decisive and intelligent Tayshia is and how happy she makes him and he's never felt this way about anyone else. Antonia says "You love her" and at first, Ben waffles (mm waffles) before admitting "Yes, I am in love" and you can literally see the heart-shaped lightbulb go off.

With this realization, it's clear Ben wants to tell Tayshia he's in love with her and that's what we expect to happen before they end the night. However, this mostly ensues: 

You can tell he wants to say it and Tayshia is sort of expecting it, but ultimately, he just ends up saying he loves the way things are going. But I'm sure he'll get another chance to tell her, right?

Of course not, because....

This is very stupid

We made it through hometowns and now one guy has to go. Here's a visual refresher of our top four heading into the Rose Ceremony:

TAYSHIA ENDS UP SENDING HOME BEN. BEN. BIG HANDS, BIG BUNS, BIG HEART BEN. 

You can tell Ben is shocked and not really able to process what's happening because when Tayshia is walking him out, they stop to talk and it's a lot of awkward silence while Ben tries to eat his lips.

He keeps telling Tayshia that he'll "be alright" and Tayshia is upset that he's being so emotionless until eventually they both just get up and he gives her the ol' one-arm friend hug and leaves. In the car, he admits he loves her and is still in love with her (which makes sense, I mean she just dumped him 2.5 seconds ago). 

Meanwhile, Tayshia reports to the designated cry spot as marked by an orange sticker.

Based on how unsettled this all felt, I'm *pretty* sure Ben will come back either before Fantasy Suites or maybe on proposal day. What a weird sentence to say.

And that's it! It's Brendan, Ivan and Circus Peanut heading into the final two episodes. I have a feeling Tayshia will end up picking Zac because it makes the least sense, but on the flipside, that means we'll collectively be able to date Brendan and Ivan. Gotta look on the bright side.

See you next week for Fantasy Suites and the finale! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia's look of pure exhaustion at having to continue wading in this cesspool of Noah and Bennett bullshit.

That's right, even though we LITERALLY do not have time for this, we're dedicating more time to this moo (like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter) drama.

Next week is hometowns and Men Tell All, meaning the week after is the proposal and finale. So it seems totally normal and unrushed and very natural for Tayshia to go from 10 guys this week to 1 over the course of 3 episodes, why not! Nothing makes sense so here we go!

But which piece of moldy chicken should she keep

To get to the bottom of this unnecessary drama, Tayshia chats separately with each of the guys, which AGAIN I must point out is a waste of time. Tayshia trying to decide between Bennett and Noah is like trying to decide which piece of moldy chicken to cook when you've got an entire fridge just full of juicy ass Ivan steaks available instead.

Bennett, who is a walking "well actually," really fights for Tayshia by lecturing her on the topic of emotional intelligence while also disregarding her feelings completely. I know, swoon. To really make her heart soar, he repeatedly says "I'm sorry you feel that way" (instead of, I don't know, "I'm sorry"). 

She then talks to the squirrel from Ice Age, telling him that he is clearly the common denominator in all of this drama. And there is no way you can convince me this man knows what a denominator is.

He emphasizes that he hates drama and does not want to be at the center of this except omg wait, he's wearing a sun costume and making the other guys dress up as planets and is wearing a shirt that says "I love Center Life."

The only way for this nonsense to end satisfactorily is for Tayshia to send both of these ding dongs home, so that of course doesn't happen. Only Bennett is sent back to the frat house or maybe he's sent back into the sauna where it seems he's been spending hours at a time based on how flushed and pink he constantly looks.

Tayshia doesn't give Ice Age Squirrel a rose either, but let's him stick around for the upcoming Rose Ceremony so she has more time to decide if she wants to keep him around. 

Why are there still so many guys left

Going into the Rose Ceremony, only Circus Peanut and Big Hands Ben have roses. Among the 8 other guys remaining, Tayshia has 5 roses to give, meaning 3 are going home (some have called me a "math genius"). So the guys are feeling the pressure to get solid Tayshia time in.

Riley, who is probably the most mature and down to earth man in the house (and also has the biggest biceps I have ever seen ever), chats with Tayshia first and surprises her with THIS PERFECT LOOKING PIECE OF CAKE:

He says it's to celebrate their "one week anniversary of being boyfriend/girlfriend," and I cannot describe how adorable I find this. Like, he doesn't say it's a week of them being together or being in a relationship, he specifically uses "boyfriend/girlfriend," which unlocks my deepest core teenage memories. 

All of the other guys also file through for their time and blah blah, let's get to the ceremony.

Ultimately, Demar, Spencer and Ed are sent home. None of this is a surprise because Spencer literally spoke with Tayshia once, then spent the rest of his time PICKING THE CHEESE AND TOPPINGS OUT OF SALADS. And we haven't really seen Tayshia connect with Demar much, but I also think he'll be great on Bachelor in Paradise. And Ed. Ah Ed.

The biggest surprise here is how in the actual hell he stuck around for so long. At least now he can get back to doing what he does best — lifting neck weights.

Apologies for missing this one

I guess I never fully paid attention to the fact that Brendan is a commercial roofer. To that I say, I've got a roof he can get under. Or maybe I've got a roof he can get on top of? Or maybe I've got some roofing for him to inspect? Okay you guys let me know what I should go with in my opening DM. Also I'm really sorry it took me this long to make this joke.

One-on-one with Big Ben

Ben gets this week's first one-on-one and for his date with Tayshia, they first stand next to each other looking like the stock image photogenic couple included in picture frames.

Even though it looks like he's about to blink and also like he just muttered a long "brahhhhh," I enjoy this overall visual.

They spend the day following clues around the resort property as a part of a scavenger hunt and at one point bring us back to an old friend:

That's right, the pizza oven. It served as the backdrop for Clare and Dale's engagement and for Circus Peanut's sharing of his dramatic past and now, for something equally as serious — piñata bashing. 

They later end up at this fountain filled with approx 1 inch of water, therefore requiring Ben to fully remove his pants to avoid getting them wet.

I'm not complaining, this Winnie the Pooh precaution seems like a necessary one to take. And I was the appointed Safety Officer for my Army unit, so I think I have the credentials to make this ass'essment, thanks.

All butts aside, Tayshia wants to focus on getting to know Ben on a deeper level during the evening portion of their date. Which features this delicious hunk of meat:

I'm talking about that steak, you guys, you know I don't objectify men.  

Tayshia tells Ben he's "a tough cookie to crack" (note: I've got a cookie for him to crack) and in response, Ben says he hasn't had feelings for someone in a long time, but he's slowly opening up. He talks about how his family and then being in the military trained him to strive to be perfect and always say and do the right thing. But, after he broke his back (holy crap) and had to leave the military, he "lost himself" and didn't know how to ask for help.  

He then shares that he had two failed suicide attempts in 2018 and 2019. And it's like, last week this man shared he had an eating disorder and this week he bravely shares that he attempted suicide, so I cannot understand Tayshia saying he doesn't open up???? Tbh, she hasn't actually shared anything personal with him????

Anyway, she gives him a rose and he's our first guy through to hometowns. They then head to a random area to slow dance to music by a rando singer on a a giant carpet under a Betsey Johnson looking tree:

Not really sure why the carpet is necessary, except to drive me crazy in creating an indoor situation (where shoes shouldn't be allowed), outdoors.

Finally, want to note that in the voiceover at the end of the date, Tayshia says SHE LOVES BEN. NOT FALLING IN LOVE, NOT STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE. THAT SHE LOVES HIM. That's important and all, but so is this:

Based on this prolonged shot of Ben's big ol' hands, it's pretty clear ABC reads my blog and is pandering directly to my interests.

This looks like a very legit lie detector setup

For this week's group date, the guys learn they'll be undergoing a "polygraph test" administered by JoJo Fletcher, who by the way is still around. I use air bunnies because this "test" setup includes three different colored lights to indicate truth/lie/unsure and a laptop playing a heart rate line on loop (I actually refer to this as a "beep beep beep" line AND DON'T BE PRETENTIOUS YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY "BEEP BEEP BEEP" LINE). 

Anyway, to prove the test's accuracy and authenticity (two words that are never used to describe this show), Tayshia is hooked up first.

The biggest thing we learn (that is clearly foreshadowing) is that while she says she doesn't regret sending any of the guys home so far, the test reveals this to be a lie (gee, who could this Be-nnett bout).

During Brendan's test, he truthfully shares that he "hopes" he's ready to propose at the end of all of this before being caught lying about being ready for Tayshia to meet his family and for him to meet hers.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Brendan clarifies his answers with Tayshia, telling her that he's nervous about the meeting of families because his family has seen him propose and get married and go through all of this before. And he wants to ensure this is really it. And um, THIS IS A NORMAL WORRY SINCE THEY HAVE LITERALLY ONLY BEEN DATING FOR 3 WEEKS, TOPS??? Why I let this show feed me crazy pills every season is beyond me.

During Circus Peanut's test, he truthfully admits he's already falling in love with Tayshia and also that he has cheated before. This raises one giant red flag in Tayshia's mind because well obviously, cheating, and also because she thinks "once a cheater, always a cheater." And I mean, you can totally see how this face could captivate more than one woman at once:

We later learn that Zac was telling the truth and he did "cheat" .... when he was in mother fracking 6th grade. Wtf. He tells Tayshia he had his first girlfriend then and cheated on her when he "french kissed" another girl at the bowling alley. Remember how I thought it was adorable that Riley used the youth'nacular (youth vernacular, I am a linguist) of "boyfriend/girlfriend"? I found it unbelievably creepy to hear Zac say the youth'nacular verb "french kissed." Anyway, Tayshia is relieved to learn this was sort of a joke and he's not a cheater. Circus Peanut says he wishes he could've told her that he was falling in love with her, instead of having the test reveal it and she says she's falling in love with him too. I remain boggled by this entire thing.

When Riley is hooked up to the super legit polygraph test, he fails the very first question of his name, which confuses everyone in the room.

During his time with Tayshia later, he explains this by sharing more about his rocky family history, something he doesn't normally talk about. He says his name is actually Dwayne Henderson Jr. and he was named after his father, who was his best friend for 20+ years until they had a falling out. This falling out happened after Riley learned more about what happened with his parents divorce and how his dad "took some things" from his mother, including him and his brother, and lied to them about her throughout the years. After reconnecting with his mom, he decided he wanted a fresh start and wanted to work toward being a better person and officially changed his name to Riley. Tayshia thanks him for opening up and understands this is hard for him, and good lord all of these guys really do have incredible stories. 

Near the end of the group date, Circus Peanut so eloquently notes that "the only reason Tayshia won't give me the rose tonight is if she has similar feelings for someone else" and wow, really can't get anything past this guy huh. 

Tayshia ultimately decides she's not ready to give out a group date rose and wants to wait until the Rose Ceremony.

Bennett is back to steal Christmas

After leaving the group date, Tayshia is surprised by the return of bland ass Bennett because as a privileged white man, he simply cannot be told what to do and when it's time to go.

His head almost explodes as he tries to avoid saying "actually" while apologizing again for making her "think" he was questioning her integrity or decision making ability. He then makes a last ditch effort to win her over by telling her that being asked to leave made him realize he loves her. And this is Tayshia's reaction, can't you just hear the "uhhhhhhh":

And that reaction is shortly followed by:

As a heads up, if you tell someone you love them and they react by looking like they just realized they ate raw oysters from a gas station, it's not a good sign. But yes Bennett, please tell us more about how self-aware you are.

And that's it! Based on previews, it looks like Bennett will get to join the Rose Ceremony, which is incredibly stupid because AGAIN WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS. The finale is in 2 weeks?? And there's still entirely too many men here (and there and most places, amirite). 

See you next week as we continue to destroy these silly brain cells! Til then, find me creeping around on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia wearing what appears to be a sleeveless turtleneck:

This gave me intense fashion flashbacks because I was VERY into sleeveless turtlenecks for a period of time in high school. And when I like something, I REALLY like it, so I had like 14 of them it was absurd and unfortunate.

But like the great poet Hannah Montana once said, "Everybody makes mistakes." So let's jump into this week's mistakes!

"I need some advice"

Because she's trying to get Bingo on her "past Bachelorette/Bachelor stars" card, Tayshia asks JoJo Fletcher to join her this week.

JoJo's season was actually the first time I dabbled in watching this tragic franchise. You probably remember her for looking like Maren Morris and also getting engaged to a guy who looks like the cucumber from Veggie Tales. These two things apparently make her qualified to provide Tayshia with advice and also semi-step in for Chris Harrison (who's gone for most of the episode). 

They talk over quite the breakfast spread and tbh I don't remember much of this conversation because I couldn't stop staring at that greyish-white blob in front of that plant that looks like a glob of cottage cheese:

I realize it's some sort of decorative rock, but we can't know for sure that it's not just some sort of dairy product plopped directly onto the table.

I knew this was coming

Circus Peanut gets his time to shine in the center ring after he gets this week's first one-on-one date. If you've forgotten what he looks like, no worries here are a few reminders:

You can really see why Tayshia worries if she's just "physically" attracted to him. 

Because Tayshia's attraction to Zac makes no sense, it makes sense for their date to also make no sense (does that make sense). Their date centers around taking wedding photos together, which um what the actual hell. I mean, I know they do this particular date every season, but it's just as stupid to see every time.

Tayshia feels nervous about doing this because she is a normal human being who is being forced to put on a wedding dress and take fake wedding photos with a man who I think looks like the Joker maybe??? And also because she's worn a wedding dress before and that didn't end so well. But all of her worries subside when she sees Zac in his ill fitting suit.

They take photos and change outfits a few times and randomly jump on a trampoline??? Dear God this date is incredibly weird and also wack. There's lots of kissing, which made me notice that Zac licks his non-existent lips A LOT. So I guess he's really just licking his mustache area (I KNOW THIS IS CALLED THE UPPER LIP BUT "MUSTACHE AREA" IS MUCH MORE VISUAL AND ALSO HOW CAN ONE HAVE AN "UPPER LIP" IF THEY DON'T HAVE LIPS???). Anyway, here's a very introspective moment of Tayshia staring at Zac's thin little things:

Later, they have dinner inside a lava lamp.

Tayshia emphasizes that she's looking for someone who's older and more mature like Zac, which I mean, if Clare taught us anything it's that age is not necessarily tied to maturity. 

Zac then shares literally everything that has happened in his life (and it's as lot) in about 5 minutes — he had a brain tumor and surgery, then got married, then got heavily into drinking and partying, then got a DUI and arrested before his wife left him. He continued down this path until finally, after trying to cash a check he stole from his dad (and with the support of his dad) he sought help and went to rehab for 4 months. And now he sits on the board of that rehab facility.

Phew. That's almost more than what happens in a single episode of Riverdale. Tayshia thanks him for sharing and obviously gives him a rose before telling him she has a "surprise" for him. And the surprise is:

A GIANT FERRIS WHEEL. Not really sure if this show knows what "surprise," means. Unless they found some giant ass blanket to cover this thing (lol that's funny to think about), this isn't really a surprise, more of a "here is this thing that has been here forever."

FYI I love reading

Ivan and Brendan read two of the week's date cards and I have never been more interested in reading or in becoming an envelope.

"I'm hoping this date can help reveal something about the guys" 

In a drastic shift, this week's group date includes no nudity. From the guys at least. It's a creative and artistic type of date, beginning with them having to sketch a nude couple. Not even sharing what the couple looks like because it's better for you to interpret via their sketches:

I honestly can't decide which is the funniest one. After this terrible stick people porn sketching, the guys then have to create something out of clay that illustrates love. Skipping over that entire portion because all of their creations look like literal poop (the clay was dark brown).

For the final test of AP Art class, they have to create self-portraits that show something deep inside of them and the guy who impresses Tayshia the most will get some extra one-on-one time with her.

Taking the task literally, Brendan holds up an empty frame around his face, which at first seems lazy and lacking creativity, until he turns the portrait sideways to say "my self-portrait isn't complete without someone by my side because the most important thing in life is to share it with someone special."

This is straight out of a Hallmark holiday movie (I've been watching a lot of them) AND I LIKE IT. Also, I'm aware Brendan's voice is sort of monotone and he always sounds like he's coming to collect your taxes, but I don't mind it and I've got some deductions for him to see. 

Ivan's portrait features puzzle pieces representing his family, money, career, etc. but with one piece missing in the middle that represents a wife and kids. He asks Tayshia to place the final piece, completing the puzzle:

AND YES I ALSO FOUND THIS CUTE, OKAY. I love puzzles and placing the last piece (even on a puzzle with only 5 pieces like this one) is one of the most gratifying things (second only to sneezing).

While all of the guys have been sharing meaningful stories behind their self-portraits, Ben has grown increasingly nervous about his. Just as he's about to share his, he tells Tayshia he forgot something and leaves for a second, only to return with his self-portrHAAAAAAAAAY:

My reaction alternated between Blake's, Bennett's and mostly Tayshia's:

Ben tells Tayshia this is him (literally) showing up for her and he's giving all of "this" to her, from his physical body to everything inside. I'm not even adding any jokes here because you can imagine all of them for yourself.

All of this emotional sharing and hot body'ody action overwhelms Tayshia's senses and she steps away for a second to cry because she's so thankful for such a thoughtful (and hot) group of guys. She returns to tell them she can't choose one person to spend extra time with because they've all been so great and would like to continue the group date all together.

This is great since this art date has been a can opener for all of the guys' feelings and they're now all ready to lay on the couch and open up to Dr. Tayshia. Later that evening, all of them continue to share stories about their families and past and this MUST BE the most complete sentences ever used on a season of the Bachelorette.

Ben tells Tayshia he feels a connection with her that he's never felt with anyone else, so he feels comfortable opening up to her. He tells her that he works in fitness and nutrition because he had an eating disorder as a teenager and into his 20s that began because as a kid, he learned girls didn't like "the fat kid." And we get to see all of this through the camera's weird positioning making it look like Ben is using a blur background on Zoom.

Tayshia thanks Ben for sharing and later ends up giving him the group date rose. She ends the evening by foreshadowing how this episode will clearly end by saying she's aware of the drama brewing between Noah and Bennett and she intends to get to the bottom of this cup of dumbass coffee.

It's so Eazy to say goodbye

Eazy gets the second one-on-one this week and for his date with Tayshia, they do some ghost hunting. And by "ghost hunting" I mean everything is filmed with night vision cameras because ghosts or no ghosts, night vision cameras create the strangest shadows making everything look haunted.

For some background, Tayshia reads the story about why this resort is haunted (wtf was there no budget to afford a non-haunted hotel). Apparently some guy back in the 1900s (the period of time all ghosts are from) lived where the resort currently is and blah blah his wife and baby died and all of them now "haunt" the grounds. Tayshia and Eazy do a lot of screaming and scaring each other and while we don't see any actual ghosts, we do get a shot of this terrifying thing:

WHY. There is NEVER a reason for dolls to exist anywhere or be in any location. Also, I *cannot* emphasize enough how much I hate old timey ghosts. Like, ghosts have nothing better to do than float around in old raggedy ass clothing trying to scare people? 

Anyway, after wandering around in the dark for a couple hours — what Eazy calls "a cute ass date" — they head to dinner, which takes place in what appears to be some sort of wicker chandelier showroom.

Also want to note that they're sitting in front of the pizza oven that Dale proposed to Clare at.

Eazy tells Tayshia he's felt comfortable with her from the start and could feel this was something real and that he's falling in love with her. Tayshia then responds by first making the face you make before saying "I love....being friends with you" to someone telling you they're in love with you:

She thanks him for being so honest, but admits she isn't quite there with him and he deserves so much more, meaning she isn't giving him a rose and he's going home. He is completely caught off guard and as she's walking him to his Uber, he asks her a couple times "Is this real?" and "Are you sure?"

And anyway yes, he's our first date exit of the season (though probably not the last).

Who does this

We actually haven't heard much from Spencer since he slid in on a trail of hair gel, but this week we got a random clip of him eating:

While I enjoy the shirtless backdrop, HE IS PICKING OUT THE CHEESE AND EVERYTHING FROM THAT SALAD AND ONLY EATING THE LEAVES. WHY. A REAL FLAW.

Please send both of these men home

So back to this ridiculous and pointless drama between Noah and Bennett. Tayshia asks to see both of them before the Rose Ceremony cocktail party and just in case you forgot, here's a reminder of what they look like: 

If these two Milk Duds were creating drama on my season, I'd just send them right where all Milk Duds belong — the trash. I know the producers are making her drag out this situation, but it's not like either of these guys is a catch so why can't we let both of these minnows go.

Before Tayshia arrives, Bennett can't possibly miss an opportunity to remind us that he is comprised of every terrible cliche associated with one-dimensional, rich, white men. I'm sure Reese Witherspoon has broken up with him in a movie before. He gives Noah a "gift" that he def golf clapped at himself in the mirror for putting together. 

It includes a red handkerchief "of friendship" since Noah is from Oklahoma and Bennett had "rancher" days (more like ranch dressing, ya know). While that seems nice, the next two items are straight from Petty Aisle 5. He gives him a pair of his socks (that he claims to have washed) that have mustaches on them because, as he says, "the only place a mustache belongs is on socks," taking a dig at the creeper peach fuzz stache Noah showed up with. And the last thing is a book about emotional intelligence because Bennett thinks Noah is lacking in several areas. 

After this white elephant (heavy emphasis on white) gift exchange, Tayshia finally shows up.

She says she likes them both (who knows why), but is frustrated and wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all of this pettiness. She calls this "teenage boy drama" and Noah agrees and says he wants to squash it before being like "BUT BUT TEACHER, BENNETT SAID THIS ABOUT ME." Tayshia tells Bennett that his issue with Noah still being here calls her own integrity into question, since she is the one who decides who stays. Bennett, who probably just found out women can vote and is surely a walking HR complaint in any office setting, responds with: "I actually don't believe I am."

WELL, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE YOU ARE, THEN PHEW, GLAD THAT'S SORTED. I'm hoping Tayshia just sends both of these flavorless crumbs home next week.

Speaking of sending guys home...

Can't believe he's still here

If possible, Ed's barely there neck continues to become less and less existent every week. Tayshia needs to send this man home before his head slides down to becoming a third nipple.

And that's it! We've only got like four episodes left, meaning Tayshia's going to need to trim a lot of fat from this fatty brisket soon. See you next week! Til then, find me boycotting old timey ghosts and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).