Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 1)

I know it feels like we just wrapped up a Bach season, but that's only because we did. And what better way to kick off a new year and punish our brain cells that have not fully recovered from last season than with a new season of The Bachelor!

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Matt James is our latest Bachelor (more on him shortly) and the summary is he's is tall and REALLY good looking and more importantly, from North Carolina. But even without all of that, he's already ranking higher than all of our most recent Bachelors — Peter, Colton and Arie — who are a real "who's who" of used tissue looking men only capable of wasting our time.

After spending 11 weeks sweating at a La Quinta, this season takes place in the picturesque woods of a Hallmark movie:

The resort is actually called the Chateau at Nemo (I'm sure it's Nemo, don't look it up) located in Mystic Falls, which isn't Mystic Falls where The Vampire Diaries takes place. Where are the hot vampires.

Vampire, but not hot, Chris Harrison notes off the bat that they received "a record number of submissions" for Matt's season, which isn't exactly surprising?? What else did every woman in America have to do between Tiger King and The Queen's Gambit (can you believe both of those things were in 2020) besides apply to be on this God-forsaken show.

Anyway, let's dive in so we can find out which 21-year-old marketing manager Matt is gonna end up with!

First, a Matt cute (like a meet cute, thanks The Holiday)

I think there's been another Bachelor who wasn't on a prior season before, but that happened before I started watching this trainwreck so it doesn't count, meaning Matt is our first fresh Bach. Unspoiled by the garbage and Instagram sponsorships of this franchise.

For background, he grew up in Raleigh (his IG handle has "919" in it) and played college football at some place called Wake Forest (lollll never heard of it). He moved to New York after college and works as a commercial real estate agent and also volunteers with inner-city kids. But what the show really wants us to know, based on the number of intensely zoomed in clips, is that he works out:

He says he's never been in love (what) and over the past couple of years has really worked on opening up more, a process we learn throughout the course of the first evening that he refers to as "unpacking." We hear him say this word more times than any of us literally unpacked anything in 2020.

Matt kicks off the first evening by praying with the girls, which is smart because I'm gonna need y'all to pray that we make it through another season.

How tall a guy says he is online vs. How tall he actually is

From this point forward, I bet we'll only get shots of Chris Harrison and Matt next to each other while sitting.

Early favorites

Abigail is the first deaf woman to appear on the show, something she shares with Matt right after introducing herself (along with the fact she has a cochlear implant): 

She's gorg and I *think* she's half Korean and also looks like Olivia Munn?? She has one of the evening's longer conversations with Matt and it's all super genuine and yes she is my #1 (for now). Matt is immediately interested in her and she gets the season's first makeout session shortly followed by the First Impression Rose.

Khaylah is from Durham and our only North Carolina girl, which seems weird in any setting, but especially this season of the show featuring a Bachelor from NC. She shows up in a truck because everyone from North Carolina is a stereotype from a Nicholas Sparks novel (I personally am Rachel McAdams and it's tiring to have Ryan Gosling and James Marsden fight over me).

During their time together they drink sweet tea in the truck bed, which is something I've sadly never done? This must be what's holding me back from developing a southern accent. Anyway I love it.

Magi is a pharmacist who moved from Ethiopia 9 years ago to pursue her doctorate. Oh and she also models and runs a nonprofit that supplies shoes to young girls in her small town back in Ethiopia. So while there are several women here who are too good for this tragic show, she is BY FAR the most goodest (yes it's a word, do not look it up). I hope she decides to leave on her own.

Bri is a communications manager (not to be confused with a marketing manager, okay) here to represent all of us comms managers who are so often rolled into being considered marketing managers. She's half Persian and opens up to Matt about her family and being raised by her mother and grandmother. And while Abigail gets the First Impression Rose, Bri gets the first rose during the ceremony.

Honorable mentions

This whole section is mostly the rest of the ladies who I actually remember, which is quite the honor.

Rachael was memorable because she looks like a mix of Camilla Mendes, Ana de Armas, Mila Kunis and Rachel Weisz. She also spells her name with an extra vowel and in this house, we support extra.

Tori Kelly lookalike MJ first meets Matt by delivering both a pizza and also the line "This is cheesy, but the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." There is absolutely nothing I love more than a cheesy pun, so even though I may forget her next week, for now, she's one of the Gouda ones.

Continuing our trend of puns, Saneh looks seemingly normal to begin with. She introduces herself to Matt by saying "I think you're the greatest and I hope you'll remember me as....the GOAT" before revealing absolutely horrifying goat feet slippers. You gotta applaud the dedication to the pun. Sadly, goat feet are not enough and she's sent home after the first Rose Ceremony.

Aside from Saneh, all of the women mentioned above get a rose during the first ceremony.

Early villain contenders

Because it's important for us to assess who the producers will inevitably keep around to cause drama. 

Kaili shows up in lingerie (pronounced lawn-jer-aye, some people need a pronunciation reminder, not me though) and asks Matt to choose which dress she should wear. She then has little to no impact throughout most of the first evening besides being known as naked girl, which irks some of the girls but tbh if I had her abs I'd also want to be known as naked girl.

For Katie's intro, she says she brought something "really special" from home that helped her get through the past year and anyway it's a vibrator. This vibrator is apparently the focal point of her personality as we get to witness her swinging around a black censor bar all night, even using it at one point to tap Mari on the shoulder to steal Matt away.

I also need to point out that she looks SO MUCH like Vanessa Bayer, so for all we know she's just an elaborate SNL prank.

Kit, who I'm guessing only decided to come on this show because she was not cast for a role on the Gossip Girl reboot, is dropped off by her dad in a Bentley. Her occupation is "fashion entrepreneur" which, in this case, I think means she likes to shop. 

She looks like she only apologizes by saying "Well I'm sorry that you thought...." making her one of the strongest contenders for top villain. Only to be outdone by......

Victoria introduces herself to Matt by saying "I'm Victoria, like the queen" and the show lists her occupation as queen. Yeah so not to be rude, but when I think "queen" I first think of Elizabeth? Anyway, this girl who surprisingly is not from Staten Island, proceeds to get super drunk and during her time with Matt, he says this first night is "like drinking from a fire hose." Victoria simply cannot comprehend this complex metaphor and asks Matt if it's "a southern thing." He then explains it to her and like me in AP Calculus, she nods but does not understand any of it, instead telling him "Well I'm the best fire hose and I'll make you the best drink." 

So on one hand, we have a pharmacist/model/philanthropist and on the other, we have a woman who doesn't understand how fire hoses work. Such range.

As is expected, all of these potential villains get roses.

Love to see it

Remember during Peter's season, how our girl Jasmine made it more than halfway through the season without talking to him? She just showed up for every Rose Ceremony with great brows, lashes and hair and we were here for it. Right, so this season's Jasmine is Serena. She's a flight attendant and after their first intro, Serena doesn't talk to Matt all night. She drinks her drinky poos, ensures her lashes are in place and best of all, open mouth laugh at her own jokes. 

This laugh is after Katie interrupts Mari by tapping her on the shoulder with her vibrator, leading Serena to say "Talk about a buzzzzkill." Being the biggest fan of your own punny joke is something I feel on a deep level.

Her top moment of the evening is when she gets a rose.

It's like you can her her saying "Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiit, damn y'all, but good game, good game, good game." 

I predict she'll be around for at least two more weeks and I can guarantee you I will highlight the few seconds of screentime she gets both weeks.

"An incredible sneak peek at this season of The Bachelor"

The first episode of every new season always ends with a long preview of what's to come and while we aren't told it's the "most dramatic season yet," we are told it's "incredible," which I mean:

Wow, what a sneak peek, I'm in. I feel like the producers are making up for the shirtless time that we did not receive nor want from Peter's season.

And that's it! These initial episodes are tiring but at least we can look forward to future episodes that are just as tiring and stupid.

See you next week! Til then, you can always find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Fantasy Suites + Finale)

This week's double-episode finale commentary is brought to you by our final three, who I've captured equally in their glory:

We've made it to the final two episodes! And what Tayshia wants us to learn from this journey is "if you just believe in yourself, there are people who will sweep you off your feet." Which yes, I totally agree with her that if you just believe in yourself and also get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to go on a reality dating show where you get to date 30 men at once who are all promised FabFitFun sponsorships at the end and you are the only romantic interest they interact with for several weeks, one of them will probably like you at the end and sweep you off your feet. Swoon.

As a note this week's recap is a full rack of ribs meaty. So let's get to it, beginning with Fantasy Suites.

"I feel like Ivan and I could have a really beautiful life together"

Ivan is up first in the Fantasy Suites lineup and since this is one of the last dates he'll have with Tayshia, it's important for them to do something that'll help Tayshia determine if she's ready to marry him. The producers of course throw the weight of that aside and instead make them spend the day portion of their date trying to break the world record for "world's longest coldest kiss":

This is maybe one of the most random things to happen on a season that has just been one giant random number generator. They end up holding the kiss for 6 minutes, breaking the world record and leading Tayshia to believe they "can do anything now." And like I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, but breathing into someone's face while sitting in an ice bath in what appears to be a random backyard for six minutes while Chris Harrison creepily watches, isn't exactly the best final test for a relationship. 

But I mean, what do I know.

Later, for dinner and the Fantasy Suite assessment portion of the date, Ivan shows up in a perfectly ironed/steamed button-down:

LIKE IT LOOKS SO SMOOTH??? Does the fact that this caught my attention mean I am a mother??

They both share how comfortable they are with each other and how they can share anything. Ivan says that when he loves someone, he loves "hard" (I'm sparing you all the inapprop joke here) and then follows up with the necessary love declaration, telling Tayshia he started falling in love with her a couple of weeks ago, but it's intensified. He then clearly tells her "I'm undoubtedly falling in love with you" and cutely enough APOLOGIZES FOR NOT TELLING HER SOONER. Which I mean, they've known each other for like 3 weeks, if he told her any sooner she would've been at home still and Clare would've been here. Anyway, Tayshia says she's falling for him too and then pulls off this killer magic trick:

The ol' "hiding the Fantasy Suite invite under the plate of fish" trick. Everyone knows that classic. 

She hands Ivan the card that of course is not complete without the inclusion of a haunted key from the 1800s:

I always find it weird how an invite to something called a "Fantasy Suite" is from Chris Harrison. Like, imagine you're at dinner with your boyfriend and a random middle aged bird looking man shows up and hands you an antique key and tells you he's reserved a hotel room for you. This is basically that. It's weird, right.

Anyway, the "fantasy" part of this suite is actually pretty true because it includes THIS GLORIOUS TRAY OF DONUTS that no one eats:

Oh, but zooming out, the "suite" part is this: 

Not even judging here because I would 100% be lured to a trailer if a man told me he had donuts. 

After talking more and ignoring the donuts, Tayshia and Ivan retire for the night to the bedroom, which is how we learn ABC is really stretching the limits of what "fantasy" means:

Looking like what sized bedroom you can get for $1,800 a month in the East Village. My brain actually can't process how many cabinets and how much wood is in this tiny room. Anyway, sexy ambiance.

The next morning, they feed each other fruit from a giant bowl and say goodbye so they can probably go back to their own rooms and check for splinters from the giant wood closet they slept in.

She's gonna pick Zac, isn't she

Zac is up next and his date's location gets us the last stamp we need on our customer loyalty card for one free pizza because we're back at the pizza oven:

We learn they'll be creating a giant painting using their bodies and I'm gonna skim over most of the recap here because 80% of it was just sounds of paint sloshing around sounding sort of like wet macaroni noodles or what it sounds like when a banana is eaten. 

After showering off, they meet for the evening portion of the date, aka the scheduled time for Zac to admit his love for Tayshia. But before diving into telling Tayshia how much he loves her, Zac first has to dive into the sweat pouring from his face AND WIPE IT ONTO TAYSHIA'S LEG:

I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT I'M MORE UPSET ABOUT, THE SWEAT OR THEM IGNORING THAT SAMPLER PLATTER OF APPETIZERS??? I SEE SKEWERS AND WONTON SOUP SPOONS???

After the sweat wiping, Zac tells Tayshia he's never felt this strongly so quickly about someone before. Tayshia then asks him about something she's been thinking about since she chatted with his mom — if he still doesn't want kids (because she def does). He says he used to think he wanted to be single and the "fun uncle" forever, but has changed his thinking since meeting Tayshia and now wants kids and knows he'll be a good father and husband. He then tells her he loves her AND SHE SAYS SHE LOVES HIM TOO, NOT "STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE" JUST OUTRIGHT "I LOVE YOU," which I think confirms she's def picking him in the end.

They then have the world's most uncomfortable and one-sided hug in history:

Tayshia offers Zac the Fantasy Suite invite + ghost key combo and he obviously accepts, so they head to their room that looks like it's the guest bedroom over someone's garage AND PROCEED TO PUT THEIR SHOES ON THE BED.

JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES. IT'S VERY EASY.

The next morning they jump on the bed and Zac wears Tayshia's robe I guess as a way of showing us how "fun" they are? 

This robe looks exactly like the one Dr. Chloe gave us bridesmaids to get ready for the wedding in and coincidentally, like Zac, I also danced around with my chest hair out while wearing it.

After Tayshia and Zac say their goodbyes, Tayshia says "It's been hard to navigate that you can love more than one person at a time" and as someone who who feels deeply about both Zac Efron and Michael B. Jordan, I think she's just not trying hard enough.

We all saw this coming

Brendan is the final fantasy suite date and as a reminder, he's the one Tayshia has been infatuated with from the beginning. Also, he's the one guy who has been most vocal and honest about wanting to be 10000% sure this is the right thing for both him and Tayshia because of how serious marriage is. With that in mind, their date is of course just a casual day browsing wedding rings with Neil Lane.

I don't know if Brendan was more freaked out by the ring shopping or by Neil Lane's insanely smoothed over Play-Doh face. Or maybe he was anxious about how everyone was ignoring this glorious tiered tray of tea sandwiches and goodies:

As if it isn't clear that this date is meant to be a pressure cooker situation for Brendan, Neil Lane gives a spiel about the eternity wedding band and how it symbolizes marriage lasting forever (I don't know why he explains the word "eternity" since it's pretty self-explanatory, but go off Neil). In response to this and about 80% of this date, we get dramatic zoom shots of Brendan not blinking:

You gotta love (and by love I mean hate) how petty this show is put this man through this. It'd be like if I said I really liked mustard a lot, but then got forced into deciding if mustard was the only condiment I'd get to use for life and the way to help me decide was covering me in mustard (this metaphor checks out, thanks).

Later, they have dinner surrounded by pyrotechnics:

I'm sure you know those are actually just hanging lights but don't they sort of look like pyro and also how funny would it be for them to be trying to have a serious conversation while sparks are going off around them like it's an Ariana Grande concert.

In a moment we all knew was coming, Brendan tells Tayshia he realized there's a part of him that's still broken and his heart isn't whole yet and she deserves someone who's complete and that's not him right now. She's shocked, but obviously he's gotta go. So they both get up so he can catch his Uber, but not before he catches one last glimpse of that smothered steak he didn't even get to taste:

While it was clear this was coming, it was still pretty shocking because had Brendan not left on his own, I'm pretty sure he would've been in Tayshia's top 2. 

But now with him gone, that means there's two roses and two guys left, so easy peasy right? OF COURSE NOT.

Big Hands Ben is back

Because there is some sort of buy-one-get-one deal with white guys not leaving when they're told to, Ben returns because he needs to tell Tayshia that he's in love with her. He first checks in with gatekeeper Chris Harrison, I guess because Chris hasn't gotten much airtime this episode, before heading over to Tayshia's suite and this is her reaction to seeing him:

I just want to point out that Ben showing up again is completely different from when Bennett did it because Ben is hot and also not annoying and that is a super important distinction.

He apologizes for being so horrible when she sent him home, but he couldn't leave without telling her that he's in love with her and has been for a bit, but since he's never felt this feeling it terrified him. In response, Tayshia is like do you like this nail color, it's new:

She tells him it's a lot to handle, but she'll let him stay for the Rose Ceremony to give her more time to make a decision. Something that I'm sure Ivan and Zac will def be happy about, lolllllllllll jk this is their reaction upon seeing Ben walk into the ceremony:

After Tayshia joins the group, she says she welcomed Ben back and also Brendan isn't here because she sent him home because it "wasn't right" and guess what, it's 2-for-1 at this sushi happy hour and she's on a break-up roll.

Before giving out any roses, she asks to speaks to Ivan which is code for "I'm about to break up with you but want to do it in private." 

She says some things have been concerning her, particularly their different views on religion (it's very important to her). And also, his name has four letters, which is one too many to be in her final two. He says he understands and despite them both saying they were falling in love like an hour ago, this breakup is quicker and less dramatic than a sneeze. I've had more intense conversations with my Chipotle burrito bowl maker.

And with that, Ivan leaves and Ben and Zac are our final two.

Meeting Tayshia's family

Before Tayshia can decide which 3-letter named man she wants to marry, they both need to meet her family (who have all arrived at the La Quinta).

Gonna keep this short and sweet and focus on the real difference between the two meetings because in general, her parents liked both guys and could see how in love they were with Tayshia.

When Ben meets the fam, they're lunch spread include pepperoni pizza, some other buttery bread/pizza looking thing, a giant fruit platter, two other trays of round brown things (my favorite) and a pedestal of fruit tarts:

So tbh, quite the spread.

On the other hand, when Zac meets them, they only get two brown looking flatbreads, a plate of what appears to be mini rolls??? and a pedestal of Chips Ahoy. Though, he does bring out "New York style" pizza for them later, I guess because the gummy bears and sour gummy worms bagel bar wasn't available.

I know Tayshia's family has been a part of this experience before, but it still blows my mind that they're not more weirded out by this entire situation. Like, if I brought my parents out to Palm Springs to meet 2 guys I've known for maybe 5 weeks and asked for their opinion on who I should marry, they'd be like wtf??? This is bizarre???

Anyway, the meetings go well and Tayshia's parents don't raise any major concerns about either guy, until.....

Her dad later visits to essentially make us believe Tayshia is struggling with a decision when it's pretty clear she's going to pick Zac. He tells her he wants her to be sure so she doesn't "make the biggest mistake" of her life because she's been hurt before. She thanks him for visiting and then changes into all black because, as we all know, she's gonna pick Zac so she needs to start mourning her past single life.

The final to-dos before getting engaged (to Zac, clearly)

1) Go on one last date with Zac

They learn a wedding dance routine and I don't know I guess this was sort of cute. During one of their last conversations, Tayshia tells Zac she worries about the future and his feelings changing based on if she changes. He reassures her that he loves her for her, no matter what she decides to do in life (I mean what if she decides to become one of those people who claps when a plane lands though). He also tells her that it's his 9-year sobriety anniversary, which is important because his sobriety allows him to not run away and he's committing to her forever. 

2) Break up with Ben

So hot ass Ben, still thinking he's got a horse in the race, is getting ready for his final date with Tayshia, a process that gives us both a shower scene and a prolonged shirtless grooming scene. Sometimes the producers get it right.

Before he can get to the date though, Tayshia pays him a visit because it's break-up o'clock. She does her thing where she first gives hope, by saying Ben was the guy who set the bar for the other guys and she was falling in love with him from early on, before coming through with the all caps BUT. She says they missed some "monumental" time after he went home (it was 20 min, tops) and she just knows her heart is with someone else.

He takes it in normal Ben fashion by staring into the distance and tells her it doesn't change the fact that he's in love with her and he's genuinely happy for her. We then get one last giant hands + bicep flexed hug to make us feel better:

Despite Tayshia saying they lost "monumental" time together, even if Ben had told her he loved her the week prior, it ultimately wouldn't change the fact that she chose Zac a while ago, so. 

Ben is def a strong contender for being a future Bachelor and in support of that I'd like to submit this collection of shots from this week of him kissing Tayshia's hand like some sort of Disney prince:

I JUST THINK IT'S ADORABLE, OKAY.

Now that Tayshia has checked these final items off her list it's.....

Time to get engaged

Right so Tayshia's cleaned up shop and it's time for her to tell Circus Peanut he's her favorite candy. In preparation for this, Zac picks out a Neil Lane ring and gives it the ol' "one ring to rule them all" look (FYI I don't watch Lord of the Rings but I assume this joke checks out, don't correct me, thanks).

Meanwhile, Tayshia starts making her way to the designated randomly carpeted engagement spot THAT IS APPARENTLY IN THE ELEPHANT GRAVEYARD FROM THE LION KING??

As she's waiting, the producers (I'm sure) make Tayshia talk to herself, saying things like "I don't know if I'm doing the right thing" and "I hope this is the right decision" primarily so these clips can be used for promos. When in reality, it has been crystal clear for weeks that Zac is her #1 and she is very sure of it. Like, this ending is maybe one of the most anticlimactic ever, but also that might be a good thing? Because on the day you get engaged, you shouldn't actually be waffling between two pancakes?

Anyway, Zac shows up and they both deliver speeches about how much they love each other before this happens:

Honestly, his speech and how he promises to be loyal to her almost made me like him a little, maybe, who knows. At one point he also whispers in her ear, "I'm gonna choose you forever" and it sort of reminded me of Devin Sawa whispering in Christina Ricci's ear in "Casper" (wow taking y'all WAY back with that one, you're welcome I'm a historian).

This season ends with its second engagement, proving that women are always incredibly more efficient than men at getting shit done.

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I know I've joked on Zac a lot, but Tayshia choosing him really is heart warming in that my heart can now actively be "warmed" by Ivan, Brendan AND Ben. Wins all around.

Overall, this has been sort of a strange season, but I guess that's very 2020. Good thing there's another season right around the corner with new Bachelor Matt James (and by good thing, you know what I mean).  I should probably read books or do something to regenerate at least 4-5 brain cells before then. See you all in 2021! Til then, find me on the baseball field because I'm actively sliding into Brendan, Ivan and Ben's DMs, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).