Let's chat about The Bachelor (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by the best news to come out of this THREE-HOUR finale:

Our newest official Bachelorettes! Yes, plural. 

Katie's season starts filming soon in Albuquerque, which as we all know is most well known for La Cueva High School, where Freddie Prinze Jr went (yes this is the #1 fact you don't have to check). Michelle's season will film this summer so she DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AWAY FROM HER CLASSROOM AND KIDS ANY LONGER. This woman, I would pie for her (like eat as many pies as is required).

But this good news was announced in the last 4 minutes of the three hours, so I guess we should trudge through the other stuff first.

Meeting Matt's family

It's the final episode, so before Matt can decide who to not propose to, he needs our final two women to meet his mom and brother.

Long story short, both women tell his family they're in love with him and in return, his family likes them too and nothing particularly exciting happens. Oh, except we're reminded HOW MUCH WE LOVE MICHELLE (not that we need a reminder):

Before she leaves Matt, she pulls the ol' "Oh, I forgot something," and reaches down only to stand up with a snowball to throw at him. A SENSE OF HUMOR, WE LOVE TO SEE IT. This reminds me of the time I asked Dr. Chloe if I could throw a snowball at her and she said "fuck no" and I did it anyway and she said "fuck you" and anyway look at us now! Still best friends!

After both meetings, Matt sits down with his family with a nice glass of Mountain Dew to hear their unfiltered thoughts (kind of like how Mountain Dew is unfiltered from any chemicals). 

Matt's all positive and upbeat until his mom puts on some Lana Del Rey and is like "it's summertime sadness you ready" and goes on to tell him that "feelings come and go" and "love is not the end all, be all." Aww, thanks mom! She heavily emphasizes how serious getting engaged is and I guess Matt was unaware because he's like WAIT, GETTING ENGAGED IS LIKE, PRE-MARRIAGE? And it seems he has suddenly woken up to realize he's in his season of The Bachelor.

The existential crisis continues

After finally learning the premise of the show, Matt is in complete shock and proceeds to spend a lot of time staring into the distance WHILE SITTING ON SURFACES THAT ARE NOT SEATS. LIKE, THE PLACE WHERE YOU ACTUALLY SIT IS RIGHT THERE. WHY IS YOUR BUTT ON THE PLACE THAT PEOPLE EAT FOOD???

After placing his butt on all eating surfaces, Matt decides he needs some wise counsel. Unfortunately, no one wise is available, so he settles for this squawking bird.

Matt describes his doubts and says he's unsure if he's ready to "commit," so again um, not to bring this up, but WHY DID YOU COME ON A SHOW BASED ON....COMMITMENT???? Like this show has been on for 450 years and everyone knows the general idea behind it so Matt acting like this is all BRAND NEW INFORMATION is confusing.

With this in mind, sure let's head into final dates!

"Love requires a leap of faith," okay but, Michelle don't take it

Between putting his feet on seats instead of sitting in them, Matt has been eating doubt for every meal since he just learned what the point of The Bachelor is yesterday. He's not thinking clearly, so anyway let's head out on a date with Michelle, more specifically a semi-dangerous date that requires clear thinking!

They rappel off the side of the hotel, which tbh is pretty cool, and then hang out on maybe the most randomly placed couch of the season.

Mmmmm, nothing like relaxing on a West Elm couch on a helipad. Luxury. During this time, Michelle again tells Matt that she's in love with him and she can't imagine leaving here without him. When she asks Matt if he's feeling sure about what he'll do in two days, he's like "hehe, sure" so that's good.

Later that evening, Matt heads to Michelle's hotel room to hang out one last time and they chat before she gives him this gift:

She also has one for herself that says "Mrs. James" and the front of the jerseys features their team name of "World Changing Warriors" (MICHELLE IS ENTIRELY TOO THOUGHTFUL FOR ANYONE). All of this is finally just too much for Matt to handle, as the anxiety about his upcoming decision and also apparently a glob of peanut butter in his mouth, have built up to uncomfortable levels:

This conversation then ensues:

Matt: I've been having doubts because did you know this show is supposed to end with an engagement? Omg, just found out, wild
Michelle: [heart, slowly breaking] Okay so what are you saying
Matt: I've been trying to push through these doubts about us but *rambles rambles rambles*
Michelle: OKAY SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, SHOULD I FIGHT FOR YOU?
Matt: Hehe no, I can't get there with you, so guess we should break up

Michelle starts crying because this is essentially coming out of nowhere, but don't worry, Matt comforts her by saying nothing and offering no further explanation. But he does hold her knee! 

THIS MAN, STRAIGHT IN THE TRASH. Matt then abruptly leaves and Michelle continues to cry because this man, who she thought just minutes ago she'd possibly marry, just dumped her out of nowhere with no reason whatsoever. During situations like this, we in the scientific community use the phrase, "Men ain't shit."

Matt "cries" outside, I think because he STILL has peanut butter stuck on the roof of his mouth:

He admits to Chris Harrison that he wasn't in love with Michelle and AGAIN mentions how unsure he is about being ready for marriage. He's then like "hey Chris did you know the point of this show is to get engaged" before saying he doesn't want to "rush into something." THEN WHY DID YOU COME ON THIS SHOW THAT'S CALLED "RUSH HOUR 4: RUSH TO THE ALTAR"???

Wrapping up this section by saying I already planned on never forgiving Matt for making Abigail cry, but now that he's also made Michelle cry, I WILL NEVER NEVER forgive him. 

No date for you, Rachaeiou(y)l

Because Matt is spiraling into his newfound reality of realizing he is the Bachelor, he's just not in the right headspace to go on a date with Rachael. And like this is middle school, he sends his friend over to blow her off.

She's all excited when Chris Harrison knocks on her door, which is already unrealistically optimistic because who in their right mind is this excited to see Chris Harrison:

He proceeds to tell Rachael that Matt needs time to think, so there won't be a date and then just leaves it at that, so that's super settling, very reassuring. Rachael is obviously hurt and sits on the couch pretending to be a stegosaurus because she's worried her relationship with Matt will also go extinct.

Even though Matt isn't in the right headspace to go on a date, he is totally okay with looking at engagement rings! That's way less serious! Much breezier!

While Rachael is stegosaurus'ing, Neil Lane pays his usual end-of-season, time-to-pick-out-a-ring-that-you-can-only-keep-if-yall-stay-together-for-two-years, visit. After looking through rings, Matt eventually chooses one and then we get a bunch of scenes of him being confused about what a ring is:

It's like he thinks this is Lord of the Rings and holding it to the light will suddenly give him clarity.

Does anyone actually think this man is going to propose

To recap, Matt sent home Michelle, discussed at length how unready he is to get married and cancelled a date with the one woman left here. So gee, I wonder if he'll propose!

The morning of, Rachael creeps around her hotel room acting like some heartbroken ghost, talking about how yesterday was the "hardest day ever" in her life. 

Really???? That was the hardest day ever?? One time a girl on my soccer team got tripped, sprained her ankle and FELL ON A BEE. Then when she was sitting on the bench nursing her SPRAINED ANKLE AND BEE STING, a stray ball hit her in the head. That's how we measure a "hard day" around here.

Anyway, she eventually gets her invite to the proposal site and I think we can collectively laugh at this show thinking we believe Matt wrote this letter:

I mean, look at the way the a's are written and those flirty k's, this note was clearly written by 8th grade me.

Before Rachael shows up, Matt paces around our final pizza oven of the season (please know that I do realize this is a fireplace). He says he loves Rachael and will basically decide if he's ready to propose when he sees her, which amazing that is what every woman wants to hear. Extremely loving.

I love how no matter the temperature, this show is like the proposal WILL take place outside and the woman WILL wear a sleeveless dress with NO access to a jacket.

Rachael shows up and instead of having her walk on leaves that are everywhere else on the ground, it seems the show has purposely set up a MUDDY WALKWAY, maybe as a signal to her that this is about to get very, very messy.

After trudging through the mud, Rachael reaches Matt and has to deliver her end-of-season-love-you speech. 

She tells Matt that no matter what, she feels lucky to have felt the way she does about him and she's never felt a love like this and she'll choose him everyday, from here on out. Matt's then like hey wanna play a quick game of Chubby Bunny:

For the first time this season, he actually says more than two sentences about his feelings, telling Rachael that he found everything he was looking for with her. And he loves her, BUUUUUUUT doesn't want to rush into a proposal (even though that's the point of this show and it's clearly stated from the beginning). In other words, he's like LET'S BE BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND, K. 

So while Rachael isn't leaving here with a ring, fiancé, dignity or respect, she is leaving with a rose that will wilt and die probably within the next 20 min, so score!

And that concludes maybe one of the most anticlimactic season finales, ever.

In which no one actually misses Chris Harrison

As is tradition, the finale is followed by "After the Final Rose," but in breaking tradition, this one is actually pretty interesting. Emmanuel Acho (former NFL player and host of "Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man") hosts, meaning we weren't plagued with Chris Harrison's presence, so things are already on the up and up.

Emmanuel speaks with Michelle first and also up first is us acknowledging THIS LOOK — brows and makeup and hair and dress, WE ARE HERE FOR IT:  

We learn that the day after Matt broke up with her with no explanation, Michelle asked to speak with him AND HE REFUSED TO SEE HER. REFUSED. She says she didn't want to change his mind or anything, just wanted closure, which is a normal adult thing to want (and do). Matt and his beard then join the group chat:

Matt claims he "didn't know" Michelle was feeling so affected and hurt, which okay let's take this man out of the trash and throw him back in. You broke up with this woman two days before she thought you might propose! With no explanation! Of course she was hurt! Anyway, like he accidentally took someone else's McDonald's order, he apologizes with an "oop sorry!" and tells her the conversation should've happened.

Before she leaves, Emmanuel asks Michelle if she's still in love with Matt and Michelle is like LOLLLL no, but she says she cares about him and he taught her a lot about relationships. She adds that she hopes he moves on and also finds new phrases other than "thanks for sharing" and learns how to kiss with his eyes closed (HAAAAAAAA). And Matt's like, wait eyes closed??

Okay so by this point, you're probably wondering, is Matt still with Rachael? Especially after her racist actions surfaced on social media? 

Let's hear from Rachael first and again, these screenshots just happen:

You can tell how nervous she is by how red and blotchy her skin is. I know y'all have seen this happen to white girls in your college classes — they get nervous during presentations or whatever and their skin is suddenly like BLAM.  

Emmanuel asks why it took so long for her to release an apology after photos of her at an antebellum South party were spread across social media:

She talks about how "ignorant" she was (correction: is), but she's "taking steps to do better." Emmanuel then asks what those steps are and she gives him the default lazy response that she's "reading books and watching documentaries and listening to podcasts," but she doesn't specifically name anything. 

When Matt joins the conversation, he confirms they aren't together anymore (did anyone think they were). He says once the photos surfaced, he first dismissed them as rumors, but soon realized Rachael "might not understand what it means to be Black in America."

He adds that he was most disappointed in the fact that he had to explain WHY her actions in 2018 were problematic and that if she doesn't understand it, "there's a lot she won't understand" about him. 

Before wrapping up the interview, Emmanuel asks if they want to embrace and I think we can all hear Matt saying "HELL NO" in this moment.

So in conclusion, there were 450 women this season and Matt happened to pick one of the worst ones.

"After the Final Rose" concludes with good news though about the two upcoming Bachelorette seasons. Tbh, that's what the ratio should always be — two seasons of The Bachelorette for every one season of The Bachelor because the women (except Clare lollllllllll) generally have better judgment and better success rates (both on this show and in life).

Looking forward to being ENTIRELY too emotionally invested in Michelle's season (and just okay with Katie's season probably)! Congrats to all of us for making it through another season! Seriously congrats, it's a feat and I hope one day we can all escape this hamster wheel of watching.

See you all soon! In the meantime, find me creeping outside your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Fantasy Suites)

This week's post is brought to you by Michelle, looking directly into the camera, realizing she is in fact too good to be here.

Okay that's not exactly the case, but we can continue to hope. 

It's Fantasy Suites week! And as a reminder for all of us (and for Matt), here's our final three women:

It's the last week before an engagement, which I guess means it's finally time for the women to actually get to know Matt, so let's jump in!

Why is this happening near the end of the season

Because he is required to propose next week, Matt realizes these relationships might be getting serious (I think getting engaged is serious, but what do I know). And since that's just around the corner, Matt's like omg I should probably open up now. But before he can do that, he needs to work through his commitment issues that are a result of the negative relationship he witnessed his parents have. To do that, he meets with his dad.

They have a pretty deep conversation where Matt tells his dad that he straight up wasn't there for him when he was growing up. His dad then tries to point the finger at his mom for leaving him, but Matt corrects him by saying she did it because his dad was cheating. 

Eventually, his dad apologizes for hurting him and Matt says he wants to move on and wants his dad to be a part of his life and his life with his future wife and kids. This was honestly a really genuine and insightful conversation, but umm....why is Matt addressing his "commitment" issues THE WEEK BEFORE GETTING ENGAGED? Again, I'm no relationship expert, but seems like you'd want to address that before telling 38 women you're looking to marry one of them? 

Matt in his ugliest sweater, just for Michelle

For his first date of the week, Matt thoughtfully shows up in this sweater that was custom dyed by a handful of highlighters.

This is actually the face I imagine he made when he spotted this sweater in the store, like "OHHH HIGHLIGHTER/PUKE YELLOW, NICE."

He surprises Michelle with a "traditional Pennsylvania Dutch spa day," which is a collection of words I have never heard said together ever. But it apparently means their day is about to be full of dairy, just all dairy. From activities ranging from rubbing butter on each other to soaking in a milk bath to the decor of the room itself being covered in cow hides:

If this room is trying to recreate the feeling of being inside of a cow, great job, it's working. So romantic! All I can think about is how as a mildly lactose intolerant person, I would fart my way through this entire date, up until this point:

Surrounded by cow hides and covered in butter, I'm pretty sure getting into a tub of milk would generate enough gas to just shoot me like a rocket to the moon.

Post-milk time, they sit on a couch WITH THEIR SHOES ON (THANKS, I HATE IT) and Matt admits he was most comfortable around Michelle's parents during hometowns. Oh and they make-out.

Michelle says she's learned a lot from her parents (who've been married for 30+ years) about falling in love and also what it takes to stay in love, and she's ready to have that lasting love with Matt.

Later at dinner, Michelle wears this super cute dress and leather jacket combo:

And Matt wears a suit that made of the same material as the tablecloth and curtains :

Michelle tells Matt she wants to know why "he is the way he is" and Matt, for the first time this season, actually does open up to her. He admits he has insecurities that he realizes are rooted in the distrust, unfaithfulness and lack of communication he saw in his parents' relationship, but he wants to be the man his dad wasn't. He assures Michelle that's what he's been working on in his life and he's now ready for commitment (which again, is good since you know, engagement is next week).

Michelle accepts the Fantasy Suite card and they leave the blue room to retire to the pink room where she tells Matt that he's her person (lollll remember when Serena said he wasn't, hahaha memories) and she loves him and they kiss AND IGNORE THIS TRAY OF TREATS:

THOSE LOOK LIKE LINZER COOKIES???

The next morning, when Michelle leaves, Matt yells out for her from the balcony and blows her a kiss and tbh I found this adorable. We are all in love with Michelle so Matt must be. And if/when he breaks her heart, I WILL BE SCREAMING IN ALL CAPS, bet you didn't see that coming huh.

No tension here, very light, very breezy

Something that is very sweet and not at all cruel, is how the producers make the other two women wait around to greet the woman returning from her overnight date. When Michelle returns, Bri and Rachael painfully smile, but the tension and discomfort are TANGERINE (like you can touch it, words are my passion).

We also learn Rachael's "worst nightmare" is Matt spending the night with another woman, so anyway welcome to Nightmare on Nemacolin Street because girl, that's the literal point of this episode.

When you think your Fantasy Suite is a tent

Bri, who admits she isn't outdoorsy and has spent the most time outdoors on this show, gets ANOTHER outdoorsy date after Matt tells her they'll be going hiking through the woods. They put on their backpacks, Matt calls her Dora the Explorer and we get a visual reminder that Matt is 15 feet taller than Bri. 

Looking like a dad and his daughter out for a morning hike.

After setting up a tent, Matt leads Bri into thinking this is where they'll be spending the evening (it's not, but gives us that great moment pictured above). They then sit around a campfire and talk and I'm still thinking about how 100% of Bri's dates have been outdoors. Like, they haven't given her one indoor painting class or spa day or anything, just making her be out here among dead trees and leaves. 

Later, they have dinner in the house owned by the hunter who killed Bambi's mom, apparently. There must've been some sort of BOGO deal on antler chandeliers or something because wow someone might call this....overkill.

Bri asks Matt how he feels about an engagement coming up in such a short amount of time and like he shared with Michelle, he tells her about the conversation he had with his dad and how it helped him get over his commitment barrier (again, that's good since he'll be engaged....next week). She tells him she feels 100% ready to be engaged and that she's so in love with him and he obviously invites her to the Fantasy Suite.

The next morning, we learn COMMS MANAGER BRI!!! does in fact have a weakness and it's that SHE DOESN'T FINISH ALL OF HER BACON???? 

Honestly, maybe this isn't even a weakness. Maybe she's just a thoughtful friend who knows I want an extra piece and this is her way of offering it to me. Aww, Bri!

Quick reminder

This show still insists on including this haunted ass skeleton key with every Fantasy Suite date card. You will not convince me that it opens anything BUT Martha Washington's diary. That's it.

Rach-aeiou(and sometime y)-l

Rachael, who has been grappling with the sudden realization that this show is The Bachelor meaning the man dates several women at once, is extremely in her head when she shows up for her date with Matt because she's spent most of the week doing this:

She can't even focus on the first part of their date, which is pottery making. But to be fair, I also couldn't focus because this show insists on unnecessarily amplifying the sounds of clay and water squishing together, it was like the mics were inside the clay. Surprised they didn't just top off the day by having someone eat a banana into a mic. 

Eventually, Rachael asks to speak with Matt because she needs him to reassure her that he doesn't just like her like Skechers, but loves her like a Prada backpack. 

I love how anytime one of the women needs to have a heart-to-heart, the show has them move to an area that looks like the set of a high school play.

She tells him she sees him as her future husband, so seeing him spend time with other women this week has made her feel the lowest she's ever felt (remember this is all before she "found out" she was racist, so actually, things can get lower). And as the final turn on this pressure cooker, she adds that she doesn't know what she'll do if she loses him. Which I take to mean, she could do something drastic or unpredictably wild like GET BANGS, who knows.

Matt's like omg don't get bangs and reassures her that he's falling in love with her too (the only one he's said this to??). He says her skydiving crash helped him realize this because it really scared him and made him imagine what "life would be like without Rachael." And this is her face as he's talking about her dying:

"MMM yes." And like, I get what he's saying, but also if it took me slamming into the ground for a man to realize he actually does like me, I don't know, that just sounds like an exhausting relationship ahead.

In response, Rachael tells Matt she's in love with him and with the tension lifted, they get back to squishing clay around and spreading it on each other.

Later, they meet in the nicest Fantasy Suite of the week and proceed to ignore this DELIGHTFUL shark coochie board:

Not a cheese sliver nor strawberry was eaten.

Rachael admits she's struggled with letting her "guard" down, which okay not to fact check, but Rachael has been VERY open about how obsessed she is with Matt both to Matt and to anyone who will listen, so unless she's referring to some sort of shin guard that she never removes, I don't know what she's talking about. Anyway, as he did with Michelle and Bri, Matt tells Rachael about the conversation he had with his dad and how it helped him have clarity about what he wants in a relationship.

Rachael then tells Matt he's all she thinks about, which isn't that amazing of a feat since there is literally nothing else to do in the hotel since they aren't allowed to watch TV, read books or use their phones. Matt of course asks her to stay overnight.

Last Rose Ceremony

All three women show up in GORG floor length gowns. 

Michelle (obviously) gets the first rose and Rachael gets the second rose meaning, hold on I will need an entire section to scream about this, buckle up.

When you realize you quit your job for this man

THIS MAN HAS THE AUDACITY TO BREAK UP WITH (former) COMMS MANAGER BRI!!!!!! WE WILL BE DISCUSSING THIS AT THE NEXT GLOBAL COMMS MANAGERS MEETING AND WE WILL BE WRITING A VERY STRONGLY (AND WELL) WORDED EMAIL ABOUT THIS!!!!!! 

Matt tells Bri this has "nothing to do" with her and who she is, but I mean, he is....breaking up with her, so it seems like it does have a little something to do with....her, the person being broken up with. But again, what do I know. 

Anyway, I refuse to include a screenshot of Matt giving his pathetic breakup speech and instead, I'm gifting you with not one, but TWO Bris:

The good news is Bri can now go on Bachelor in Paradise and date Ivan or Brendan (or if she brings this mirror, she can date them both), so things are really looking up for the comms managers of the world.

And that's it! Our final two women, Michelle and Rachael, will meet Matt's mom and brother next week before Matt chooses who to propose to. I cannot tell you how excited I am!!....for this to be over, thanks.

See you for the finale next week! Til then, find me lurking around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Women Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of Abigail with her crisp middle part, dark lip and double the hoops signaling we're about to get double the drama:

Because it's the Women Tell All! Probably the best episode of any season if not just for the 5 minutes of bloopers we get to see. 

The women are all like "let's lift each other up" before diving into 120 minutes of passive aggressive shit talking (aka "a light poo chat") so let's get to it.

First, NORTH CAROLINAAAAAA

Important to kick off the post on a positive note with our only NC girl, Khaylah! Making us all proud by wearing the best hoops of the night/season (so sorry, Abigail).

Like Justin Bieber performing live, that's just about the only note we're going to hit though as far as positivity goes. 

When did we enter a Forever 21

In terms of logistics, the producers have split the women onto two sides, with one side looking like that baby pink and nude section of Forever 21. You know it. You're vividly picturing it now. It's usually full of dresses like the one MJ is wearing. Just a sea of stretchy, taupe colored items.

The other side of women, on the other hand, are wearing all of the bold outfits I'm interested in wearing, but could never pull off.

Even Kit's 80s business woman top with the sleeves ripped off WWE style. Would be interested in wearing it.

Jessenia v. MJ

The first thing we dive into in this shallow pool with no water is the feud between Jessenia and MJ — drama that eventually built up to a 2-on-1 date sending MJ home. Reliving this dumbass sequence of events was only good for reminding us how Jessenia called MJ "MERE-DITH," which was hilariously petty. 

Jessenia shows up looking absolutely gorg, not a pore in sight, while MJ is also there, looking like she got her brows permed. And you're probably thinking, some time has passed and the women have had a chance to see how they were portrayed on TV so this is their chance to apologize and make amends for being rude ass bullies, right? Ha, MJ nips this redemption idea in the bud by not acknowledging how terrible she was and taking zero responsibility for her role in bullying the new girls (even after watching clips of her doing just that). She claims she was just "making jokes" and okay Bozo if you're doing that better get on back to the circus.

Final verdict: MJ, still shitty.

This is all a warm up for....

Shitoria back at it again

The main act of Shitty People Fest 2021 is none other than Queen Victoria, so perfectly portrayed in this screenshot that fate deemed necessary. Ryan, the dancer who Victoria referred to as a ho, brings this up saying it was even worse to hear it on national television. Shitty Tori then brings out the kerosene because it's gaslight o'clock. She asks Ryan if maybe she's too sensitive and that's increasing the "extent" of her "upsetness." UPSETNESS. UPSETNESS. UPSET. NESS. So not only are facts taking a beating, but also actual words. There is a 100% chance Victoria is someone who regularly says "irregardless" after doing things like misspelling your name in an email addressed to your email address that is literally your name.

Anyway, Victoria who has only festered in her own shit since leaving the show, responds with this hand gesture that is the universal sign for "I take no responsibility for this" and can't you just hear her saying "I mean, I'm sorry that YOU THOUGHT...."

She deflects by saying she's been called names and had memes made about her bra straps and swollen eye, so Ryan basically isn't allowed to be upset. The difference here is: A) If Satan is making his way out into the open via someone's busted looking eye, it's up to us to point it out! and B) Ryan is allowed to feel how she wants to feel, which in this case is EXTREMELY justified. Kit and Chelsea speak up for Ryan, too, and Victoria eventually admits the name calling was "completely unacceptable," before coming through with a big ol' "BUUUUUT we're all being called names and we're all doing the best we can do." And like, if that was Victoria's "best" what do you think her worst is? Horrifying.

Final verdict: Victoria still a monster.

Just two small town girls

Next up, the mom from Modern Family (allegedly named "Anna") and Brittany, who remember know each other from small town Chicago, rehash their drama that was actually one of the more heinous crimes of the season. Brittany says the rumor that Anna started about her being an escort was devastating in the moment and even worse to see on TV. She then relives her trajectory on the show that began with her arriving so confident before being torn down within 24 hours by a baseless rumor. Brittany brings up that if you Google her name now, the first results are about her being an escort, so it's still something she's living with.

Anna offers a single ply tissue to clean up this mess by saying "I'm sorry, this sucks" adding that there's never a reason to "take down another women." ANOTHER WOMEN. ANOTHER WOMEN. My brain and grammar, the two things being punished the most tonight. Anna does continue to apologize and Brittany accepts it.

Final verdict: Chicago has a population of 2.7 million, so yes let's continue to call it a "small town."

How dare you call the house toxic just because it was toxic!

After sorting through these feuds, it's time for everyone to pile on Katie for having the AUDACITY to tell Matt about the coordinated bullying going on in the house between the oldies and newbies. Chelsea and Mari (lolll girl we don't remember you) make the argument that it was actually Katie who made the environment toxic by bringing up the toxicity to Matt. They've clearly been taking Victoria's master class on reasoning because this is like if you were eating moldy bread and I pointed out, "Hey that bread is moldy" and then you flipped out screaming "YOU MADE THIS BREAD MOLDY!!!" 

Jessenia attempts to re-center the group by mentioning that Katie didn't bring it up to Matt to further her relationship with him, a thought that about 105% of them had not thought about. 

Final verdict: I never want to hear the word "toxic" uttered this much again unless Britney Spears is singing it in a bejeweled bodysuit.

These are the dates they should've shown

Now that we've gotten to involuntarily relive the drama that took up all of our time, we get to see parts of dates that were cut to make room for the stupidity. 

THE BEST ONE IS THIS PART OF A DATE WHERE THE WOMEN HAD TO EAT A STACK OF PANCAKES THEN CHUG A BEER:

When I say I would have THRIVED and SHINED in this challenge. Like, imagine someone asking an NBA player if he can dunk on a kiddie hoop, THAT IS THE LEVEL OF CHALLENGE IT WOULD BE FOR ME TO EAT A TINY STACK OF PANCAKES AND DOWN A BIG OL' BEER. THEY CALL ME THE KARBS KILLA. I can't get over this. This clip was also hilarious because so many women spewed out their beer like comedic spit takes. 

Another date we weren't shown was the "box challenge," where the women had to reach into boxes full of NASTY ASS BUGS to retrieve an "engagement ring."

While this is disgusting, the strategy here is to go in with fists clenched and just get to punching. I have punched a bee before (to get engaged, standard protocol) and can attest to its effectiveness.

Another unseen date included a game of hide-and-seek in the woods (who knows why) where Bri found Matt's giant self hiding behind a tiny tree branch within 5 seconds. And then everyone eventually made their way to a hot tub (the natural ending to every hide-and-seek game): 

Well everyone except for Kit who basically got Frozen 2 lost in the woods for hours. 

The last date moment we didn't get to see was from the boxing group date. Matt had all of the women drink an egg because you're already risking your heart out here, might as well risk salmonella.

Dying at Kit demonstrating what I do when someone buys shots of tequila for the group. Also we get an interview from this date of MJ saying her "biggest fear" is eggs. EGGS? Because we all know scramblings are on the rise.

Anyway, pretty much all of these moments are exponentially better than half of the crap we've seen this season.

Why would you cut out clips of Tayshia and JoJo??

Another moment we didn't get to see was of Tayshia and JoJo's apparent visit with Matt. Not sure why the producers chose to edit this entire segment out, but forced us to watch Matt pretend to be friends with Ben Higgins. This clip in particular featured JoJo unknowingly eating really spicy wings and the entire 15-second aftermath is more riveting than approx 90% of this season. 

Speaking of being edited out....

So sorry, Heather

Anytime the camera pans out, we can clearly see a woman with long blonde hair sitting next to Kit (and you can sort of see part of her anytime Kit or Katie speaks). It's obvious this is Heather and like damn, not only were you denied by Matt and forced to drive yourself out of the resort in a minivan, but you were also completely edited out of the Tell All. Trifecta of rejection and sadness.

Time to relive your breakups, ladies

Speaking of sadness, a very thoughtful thing that happens in every Tell All is when the producers are like, hey remember when you got dumped on TV a few weeks ago? Let's relive it! 

Katie is first to watch a highlight reel of her relationship with Matt and while terrible, we do get to see this moment that I missed:

COMICALLY LARGE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. I MEAN THE COOKIES AND THE CHIPS ARE BOTH ENORMOUS. Those are def two-handers. After the cookie reel, Katie admits she didn't see it coming when Matt broke up with her probably because she wasn't paying any attention to the close bonds he was forming with the other women. We then segue into her pitch for being the next Bachelorette as she says she's "now 30 and questioning why" she's still single. And if we may recall, Clare taught us that if you are 30+ and unmarried, you'll probably die soon. Katie gives us the ol' "Does anyone want me" line and honestly I was sort of expecting them to be like "Well, we'll get to find out soon because you're the next Bachelorette!" But nope. Onto the next.

The biggest thing I want to note from Pieper's time in the breakup time machine is THIS OUTFIT. SUCH A LOOK:

The gold necklace! The middle part! The tube top! Probably my second favorite look of the night (we'll get to #1 soon but I think you know). 

During Serena P.'s time, she cries because this is the first time she's watched footage of her breakup with Matt. To refresh your memory, she is the one who shot right to legendary status when she broke up with Matt by telling him he wasn't her "person." 

She reiterates that she had her doubts heading into hometowns and hoped her family would provide reassurance about where she was headed with Matt, but when they didn't, it confirmed her doubts. She adds that she doesn't regret how it turned out because Matt now has three women who are all-in with him.

So we've covered Katie, Pieper and Serena P., but who did we miss? Oh that's right, the person....

WHO SHOULD BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

Because I am so shy and quiet about the things I like, I probably haven't made it clear that Abigail should be the next Bachelorette. She's just one of the kindest and most genuine people to come on this hamster wheel of garbage of a show and she stands out because she has this very specific thing that we rarely see....a personality. GASP. And also, obviously, she's stunning. 

During her interview, she says that meeting Matt and getting the first impression rose was probably the closest she's ever felt to love at first sight. And Matt gave her so much assurance every time they were together until, well, he didn't. But she says she's a better version of herself now (which, I mean how, if her prior version was already peak) and she's ready to share this version of herself with someone who wants her. CRIES. Also crying because Magi wasn't in attendance meaning we got zero Magi'Gail moments. Sensing this shortcoming, Abigail did give us this on IG:

They were roommates! Which explains the best friendship. This happens in so many roommate situations, especially when one roommate is Korean, just ask Dr. Chloe. Happens 60% of the time, every time.

Oh yeah, I guess we should hear from Matt

Now that we've spread mess all over the stage by first confirming Victoria and MJ are still shitty and then making several of the women relive their breakups with Matt, it's time to bring Matt out! The conditions are swell out here!

Several of the women openly laugh at his new beard and someone even calls him "James Harden" (me, it was me). After laughing at his new Chia pet, the women then use the opportunity to be brutally honest with Matt by.......thanking him?? Yes, they thank him for dating them all at the same time and then dumping them on national television. This confused me more than the beard, tbh.

Because the producers thrive on creating a wave pool of emotions, after letting Matt feel uplifted by thank you's, they then bring him back down by showing a montage of clips of him kissing with his eyes open:

With everyone cracking up and the women confirming this was in fact a very weird thing to do, Matt tries to somewhat defend himself by saying he likes eye contact. But, um....when you're staring at someone and their eyes are closed, it's not technically "eye contact." I've learned this firsthand as several people have complained that they "do not like it" when I stare at them through their window as they sleep (who knows what anyone likes these days!).

And that's it! Honestly not that much telling, but I welcome any setting for us to have more proof that Abigail should be the next Bachelorette, so.

See you for Fantasy Suites next week (and the Finale the following week!). Til then, find me lurking around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).