Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

First off, apologies for not posting about the BIP finale but it was pretty clear I needed to take some time to reflect on my terrible choices since my two obsessions (Brendan and Ivan) ended up being two red flags disguised as men.

But I'm happy to report that after some Christina Aguilera "who is that girl I see" reflection, I have changed in no way and will continue to go down with this ship.

Fortunately though, this ship has a new captain:

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Michelle! Who you may recall as being ENTIRELY too good for boring ass Matt and also truly the best woman to ever be on this sewage water of a show. Long story short, I want Michelle to find a good ass man (I'll let you decide which word I'm emphasizing there) more than I want it for myself because that is a normal and healthy mindset to have.

Enduring seasons with Peter, Matt and Katie was like being trapped in a fart filled car, but now Michelle is finally that breath of fresh air. So let's jump in and get to know her again, beginning with....

A reminder that Michelle is gorg

She's also a 5th grade teacher from Minneapolis who played four years of basketball in college. So it's like okay, we get it, sometimes God gives with both hands.

During her intro, we meet her parents who have been married for 33 years.

Inspired by her parents, she's hoping to find someone to form a long lasting relationship with and anyway I'm mostly sharing this screenshot because both of her parents are wearing the ULTIMATE dad and mom shoes, which I love. Also that fruit salad tho.

As a note, Michelle's season is set in Indian Wells, CA, probably because Freddie Prinze Jr.'s hometown of Albuquerque needed some time to clean up the sludge of back-to-back seasons. Now let's get to meeting some favorites from night one....

"Better Nayte than never"

Nayte is a 27-year-old sales executive from Austin which who cares about that because this man is SIX FOOT EIGHT. He's the first guy to meet Michelle and even though his eyebrows are entirely too manicured, I can't even really tell because did I mention he's 6'8". 

When he sits down to chat with Michelle for the first time, he admits that he has trouble opening up, especially about his family. But after some encouragement from Michelle, he dives right in. He tells her that his parents got divorced when he was young and his mom recently got divorced again from his stepdad who was like his best friend. He also keeps telling her that he's nervous, which I find to be adorable.

At the end of the night, I guess his "better Nayte than never" line resonated because he gets the First Impression Rose (and first kiss of the season):

Based on historical precedent (I'm an academic), Nayte will likely be around until at least the top six. And I don't mind it because he actually does seem really sweet and kind and okay listen, he's 6'8", I would let this mean physically take my heart out and juggle with it.

So Nayte is for sure a front runner, now let's check out some of the other guys of note...

Is this what salesmen look like now

Clayton is a former Mizzou football player who thinks he can bond with Michelle over their college sports experiences along with the fact that his mom is also a teacher. And normally, I'd find this whole midwestern package as blandly vanilla, but he shows up with a yardstick for Michelle to use in case he misbehaves and then actually has her spank him with it. Honestly, unexpected. He's not just any scoop of vanilla ice cream, he's def got some sprinkles. However, we are still subtracting points because WHAT ARE THOSE:

Anytime I've encountered these dressy + soft bottomed shoes in the wild, I've been completely entranced by how hideous they are.  

While he doesn't apologize for those criminal shoes, he does apologize for hugging Michelle with only one arm (since he's hiding the yardstick behind his back with the other) because ONE-ARMED HUGS ARE INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL. Like, if I'm going full ass in for a hug, your entire ass better also be in. 

I imagine this scoop of vanilla with sprinkles will be around for a while.

Has some red flags, therefore, I am interested

Joe and his perfect brows and smile are also from Minnesota and Michelle immediately recognizes him as someone she's met before. When he's walking away from their first meeting, she asks him:

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Honestly, who among us hasn't had to ask this before. She follows up by asking if his last name is Coleman, to which he says yes before walking into the house. She then remembers that they messaged back and forth on IG about basketball before HE GHOSTED HER.

When they talk later, she asks him outright why he just stopped responding, with no explanation. He tells her that this was shortly after George Floyd was murdered and protests were happening in Minneapolis close to where he owned a property and he realized he wasn't mentally ready for a relationship. She tells him she understands and he didn't need to be ready for a relationship, he just needed to communicate (TELL HIM, MICHELLE). And she's super skeptical of his decision to be here now....that she's.....the Bachelorette, but he assures her that he's been going to therapy and focusing on improving and he really is here for her. 

She remains pretty unsure about him up until the first Rose Ceremony because she knows that the only ghost allowed around here is Casper (and by association, Devin Sawa). But in the end, hot Joe gets the last rose:

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Now, I am strictly against ghosting except for every instance that I've done it. And also, I'll note that you can call me haunted mansion because I'd let Joe ghost me every day of the week and twice on Sunday. But I want more for Michelle, so we'll see how he proves himself to her in the coming weeks.

Quick interjection

What is Dax Shepard doing here?? Isn't he still married to Kristen Bell?? Unfortunately for this man, I WILL be contacting Gossip Girl.

Nice to meet you, Brandaaaaaaaamn

This is Brandon J. and he's a traveling nurse recruiter from Portland who's also one of the younger ones in the bunch at 26. He rolls up to meet Michelle in a bed, which would come off as cringe if not for the fact that he is SO GOOD LOOKING. And I guess it's memorable enough for Michelle because she ends up giving him a rose even though they don't have a chance to speak over the course of the night. While he's waiting for a rose, we get clips of him saying that not getting a rose would be "the worst thing to happen here" and I have to come in with a fact check because what if snakes wearing those dressy + soft bottom shoes fell out of the ceiling while Eminem loudly blasted from speakers. Pretty sure that would actually be the worst thing.

But wait, you're probably wondering, why didn't she have time to speak with Brandon? What stupid event could've transpired to take up entirely too much time on this first night?

The stupid event

Ryan is one of the guys we're introduced to before night one and at one point, Tayshia and Kaitlyn (they're co-hosts again, did I mention that) come to his hotel room to meet him and snoop around his stuff. CIA agents Tayshia and Kaitlyn then find a bunch of folders of notes in his suitcase that are basically how-tos for looking good on the show (such as "how to get a good edit" and "how to not be a villain) and y'all when I say a bunch of notes, I mean a bunch. This man must've spent tens of dollars at FedEx to print everything out. 

Tayshia and Kaitlyn obviously share this intel with Michelle who confronts Ryan about it.

I was cracking up during this because he kept trying to hold her hands and she was not having it.

She asks to see the notes and he's like "omg sure yes, I'll show you these totally normal notes I have" and they head up to his room. Once there, she asks him to leave her alone and she proceeds to sort through his honors thesis on The Bachelorette.

I don't know how clearly you can see the clock, but IT IS 4:49 A.M. Unless pages are literally printed on Zac Efron's abs, I will never ever be caught reading something from a man before 8 a.m.

After sorting through Ryan's serial killer'ish notes, Michelle has this conversation with him (factually summarized):

Michelle: WTF
Ryan: I didn't know anything about the show, so my friend's wife wrote all of these notes to help me get to know you
Michelle: But these notes aren't even about me??
Ryan: Well I wrote a bunch of notes while watching you on Matt's season
Michelle: So you did write them??
Ryan: No, but also yes, but also no, but mostly yes and also I watched a lot of prior seasons, but wait did I tell you I don't know much about the show, because I don't

She then of course asks him to leave because this has been a weird turn of events and it's 4:49 a.m. and who the hell is printing things these days??? Toxic ass men, that's who. 

So Ryan's gone, but the mention of serial killer'ish reminds me....

This man probably owns like jars of teeth, right

This is Rick and he actually makes it through the entire first night without blinking once. There is something eerily intense about him and his creep factor is only elevated by the fact that he decided to meet Michelle as a Halloween decoration:

His actual reasoning for this is that he's Michelle's "main dish," which I mean, if that's what he's going for, why didn't he come dressed as a steak. Instead of A HEAD ON A PLATTER??? You will not convince me that this man has not been charged with stalking before. He looks like the killer from every episode of CSI.

Michelle doesn't mind him though and he ends up getting a rose, so I guess we get to see how long he can go without blinking before industrial level eye drops are brought in.

Speaking of the Rose Ceremony...

This is what Michelle looks like at like 6 a.m.

When we finally get to the Rose Ceremony, the sun has just come up, meaning that Michelle has spent 12+ hours meeting these ding dongs and has already had to deal with unnecessary drama. AND YET, not a flaw in sight. How does she do it. I would've rubbed off one of my eyebrows by this point.

Anyway, the guys all gather in what appears to be the hotel lobby (which I now realize is also where the cocktail party was last night):

It always makes me laugh to think about how it probably seemed like a good idea last night to wear a costume but now it's 6 a.m. and you're dressed as a giant apple. 

I honestly don't remember (and it's not important) who all got sent home, but as a sampling (because I'm a scientist), I do remember what happened with these guys:

The two guys in the back in navy suits and the Batman villain looking man in the front got roses. Sadly, the pouffy haired, blinking man and sleeveless suit wearing man were both sent home. 

But now we're at least down to 23 guys, which is a much more standard number of men to be dating at the same time (30 is just too many to keep track of). And look, I'm actually excited for Michelle's season and by that I mean I will scream and throw another TV out the window if she doesn't find happiness. 

See you all next week (please join me, don't make me do this alone)! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Abigail having an existential crisis. Where did this french fry come from and did I take it from its potato family? What is potato, anyway?

Jk this is her reacting to producers telling everyone they'll have to evacuate the beach due to an incoming tropical storm. And it must be serious if it stops the fry eating. 

When they start evacuating, the couples act like they'll never see each other again. Seriously. Joe and Serena cant stop hugging and Kenny says "Who knows when I'll see Mari again." And it's like, you'll see her in 5 minutes because you're all being transported, together, to a different hotel to spend the night. 

Despite God clearly trying to cancel this season, they all return the next day. Blessed. Let's jump in!

"Definitely, probably should've gone a different route"

Ivan says this after Kendall (who he gave his rose to last week) decides to leave because she can't handle watching Joe and Serena fall in love. But I mean, the quote is also pretty applicable for Kendall who only decided to come to Paradise to see if things were really done with Joe (they were).

Before she leaves, Kendall has one last chat with Joe and I'm sorry but this is the screenshot fate gave us: 

She admits that she never stopped loving him and clearly isn't over him, to which Joe asks the MOST RATIONAL QUESTION EVER: "Why didn't you tell me any of this before Bachelor in Paradise?" I love how all of these people think that relationship decisions CAN ONLY be made in Paradise. He comforts her, but tells her that he came here because he knew it was completely over between them. And with that, they hug and Joe is left with his 3 favorite S's: Serena, Socks and Sandals.

But what about Ivan, who gave his rose to Kendall last week and has basically spent no time with anyone else?

"Ivan is kind of having a sad boy summer"

To recap, Ivan was dumped by Jessenia for Chris (barf), got a friend rose from Deandra (but didn't return the favor) and was most recently hanging out with Kendall, even though she loudly holds Grocery Store Joe Fan Club meetings every Monday. So he hasn't had the best time here. But that's not stopping him from desperately clinging onto any woman who breathes in his direction because how awful would it be to have to....GASP....leave the show and return to real life.

This week, right before the Rose Ceremony, he makes a last ditch effort with Chelsea, who has been coupled with Aaron since her arrival. 

Ivan tries to convince her (and maybe himself) that they have "something" since they MAKE EYE CONTACT SOMETIMES. Ohhhh, sexy sexy, wow not safe for TV, EYE CONTACT. In response, Chelsea smartly asks if he's even thought about her before this moment, when he is desperately seeking a rose. And he does some sort of fake laugh like "Omg, of course, this isn't because I want to stay another week in hopes of someone new arriving for me to get engaged to within a week." And I guess it's convincing enough for Chelsea because:

While this is happening, Aaron's carbon dioxide emissions are through the roof, like his mouth is never closing again.

He thinks Ivan basically lied to him earlier when he said he wasn't going to "steal anyone's rose," since he's now out here woo'ing Chelsea. What is this, BachLIAR in Paradise! (Please clap)

Anyway, things escalate and Aaron says he's going to "slap that stupid beard" off of Ivan's face and tbh that's kind of funny to say and imagine. They then stand super close together to exchange lip kit recommendations. 

Wouldn't be surprised if Aaron didn't attempt to fight because he looks like the type that HOPES to get into fights at bars. Guess we'll see next week!

But wait, back to Chelsea, she's having a pretty popular week because along with Ivan and Aaron fighting over her, she's also asked out on a date by one of the new guys, which by the way....

No Neck Ed and Demar are here

Both are from Tayshia's season (let's just stop calling it Clare AND Tayshia's season because it wasn't okay). You probably remember Demar for being a fun guy with a great smile and Ed for looking like a thumb.

They make the rounds, talking to a few of the women to help them decide who to ask on a date and during this, the motto of the season, "You were on my list," makes another appearance:

Maurissa tells Demar that he was the top person on her "list" and Demar says the same about her. I'm no dating expert, but any of these people with "lists" could just.....talk to the people they're interested in, IN THE REAL WORLD? Like, everyone knows they're allowed to date and find love outside of a show, right. This isn't a Santa Claus situation, you don't have to make "lists," you can just.....message people on Instagram.

Anyway, this time the ol' list doesn't stir up any drama since Maurissa is happy with Riley. Demar ends up asking out Chelsea and Ed asks out Natasha and they go on a painting date that includes painting on canvases and also on each other (the typical BOGO deal). 

By the end of the date, it seems Natasha and Ed have formed a connection, maybe because Ed didn't spend 75% of the date screaming "MY BRENDAN???" but we'll have to see what happens next week.

Chicken nugget intermission

There are SO many chicken nuggets in this episode, which is the minimum amount that should be in every episode of every show and in my life forever. I'll just highlight my two favorite scenes and not even my favorite chicken nugget-specific scenes, I mean these are my favorite scenes of this entire season.

Aaron eating one regular serving size of nuggets:

And also, this PARTY TRAY of nuggets that I learned from Tia's Instagram were requested by Thomas for him and Becca to enjoy while bonding over photos of their dogs.

Honestly, looking at dog pics while eating a mound of chicken nuggets is my dream date. Only surpassed by looking at actual dogs in person while eating a mound of chicken nuggets.

Okay, back to business....

These two are definitely getting engaged, right

This week, the producers make Maurissa, I mean, Maurissa decides on her own to express concern about Riley not opening up to her more. She eventually sits down with Riley to talk through it and he starts off by telling her that she never has to worry about anyone taking him away from her (THIS MAN IS THE BEST MAN ON THE BEACH, OKAY). But Maurissa needs more, and by that, she means she needs him to cry.

Riley finally opens up more and tells Maurissa about the hard family situation he grew in after his parents divorced and how his dad essentially kept him and his brother away from his mom for a long time (you may remember him talking about this during Tayshia's season). 

At the end of their conversation, they say they're falling in love with each other and I think we can all agree that these two are the most likely to get engaged at the end of this?? And like, for real engaged, not like when I got "engaged" to a Crunchwrap Supreme on Facebook in 2007. A real engagement!

These two are definitely not getting engaged

After testing out everything on the buffet, Kenny has finally chosen CalaMari and they get a date card this week. Because it's been 3 minutes since the show reminded us that Kenny's "thing" is being naked (???), they spend the time eating tacos off of each other's naked bodies.

At one point, Mari rubs sour cream THROUGH HIS LEG HAIRS and it might be the most disgusting thing I've seen since my own reflection after a 50-episode binge of Love Island. Like, Kenny has a great bod and everything, but that doesn't mean I want to eat carnitas off of it. Who knows when this man last showered. He looks like he thinks getting rained on counts as showering.

After leg hair sour cream, they sit down to talk because, as Kenny puts it, "Engagement is around the corner soooo....we should probably talk?"

They both end up saying they're falling in love and Kenny admits this is the first time he's said it and oh, do you see, can you see, yep it's A RED FLAG. He says the last time he mentioned the word "love" was to his dog, so yeah this relationship is about as strong as cotton candy in water.

A bit of a love Tia'ngle (hehehehe)

As I've noted in several posts, I love Tia and she's one of my favorites from this tragic franchise, mostly because she laughs at her own jokes and makes faces like this:

Buuuut, it's also pretty clear that she is primarily attracted to selfish trash ass men (Arie, Colton, Kenny, etc.), which most recently includes this man whose name I refuse to commit to memory.

He looks like he smells like Axe and socks. But yeah, Tia is VERY into him because he has tattoos and makes out like he's stuffing an entire ice cream sandwich into his mouth at once, so the connection is very deep. But, this man has done literally nothing for her since their date and barely talks to her (omg love it, so sweet).

On the other hand, NY bro James is still pining after her and even sets up a little date for them with these little painted wooden blocks representing the cities they're from:

He clearly tells her how much he likes her and hopes to keep getting to know her, but Tia just isn't sure because I mean, who wants a man who is nice, thoughtful and clearly expresses his feelings?? I mean, especially when you can have a guy with a motorcycle who looks like he's a member of a Papa Roach cover band?

Anyway, because Tia is annoyed with what's his face, it's looking like she may end up giving her rose to the guy who actually made time to talk to her (a concept). Haha jk I hate this show, she'll obviously pick trash bag next week.

But I can't end things on a trash note, so let's wrap things up with some Noah'Gail....

They're not getting engaged, but they're adorable

This week, Noah sets up a date for Abigail that is clearly inspired by my chicken nugget date idea because they just relax in a hammock while eating a plate of fries. This is perfection. 

And that's it! The finale is in two weeks when, remember, the options are GET ENGAGED OR DIE TRYIN. Heads up that I'm not blogging the 3-hour episode next week because mama needs a break and I hate this season, but I'll back for the finale. Honestly can't wait for this chaotic season to come to a close so we can look ahead to brighter days, aka Michelle's season.

See you in two weeks! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Jessenia, Demi and Maurissa perfectly illustrating what it looks like when girls hang out with their best friends to talk shit about men:

Partially reclined, but in a way that doesn't crease your hair and on the verge of falling asleep, a form that is only saved for your closest circle.

We've only got one episode this week because God answers prayers, so let's jump in!

"No one wants you here anymore"

After kicking out Chris and Alana last week, the group reaches the final boss level of douchebag men: Brendan. Natasha reminds everyone that what Brendan did was....way worse....but no one has said anything because they all like him, whereas they were quick to kick Chris out because no one liked him (HAHA still getting burned even though he's gone). So with that small bathroom trash taken out, Joe's like let's go girls, we're taking out the big, smelly trash in the kitchen full of moldy Brendan-dan noodles.

Brendan and Pieper admit that they came only for each other, saw each other the night before Brendan left for Paradise, hung out a ton, got married and have a house, have vials of each others blood buuuuuut neither of them posted a couple's pic to Instagram, so it's not like they were official okay. And Paradise was a chance for them to explore their relationship, haha jk they're clearly here for a free vacation.

The group calls them both terrible until eventually Brendan says he's "removing himself from this" and Maurissa quickly follows up with...."FROM PARADISE ORRRRR??" 

And I'm only sad the group didn't have tomatoes and mashed potatoes to throw at him as he walked away.

Now at this point, Brendan has burst out of his human disguise and is fully Ursula'ing out. We get a clip of him saying that "Joe and a mob of disgruntled females" came after him, probably because they're "jealous" and OF COURSE THIS TRASH BAG REFERS TO WOMEN AS "FEMALES." DEAR GOD PREPARE THE SLINGSHOT, WE'RE FLINGING HIM TO THE SUN NOW. 

Eventually, Brendan "decides" to leave, making some big speech about how he's choosing Pieper and this isn't the "right place" for them as if everyone didn't just tell him that they hate him. And with that, he rides his gaslighting fumes on out of here. Meaning Joe is 2 for 2 with taking out the trash! This is reassuring for Serena to know that he understands how to complete basic household tasks.

With the trash taken out, let's check on the rest of the beach...

Still toe'in strong

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Maurissa whips up a date with Riley where they select random pieces of paper from a bowl that have different body parts written on them for them to eat whipped cream off of. I totally get the "sexy" aspect of this because I've seen Varsity Blues, but listen, does anyone really want to eat lukewarm dairy off of someone's sweaty and sandy beach body? I guess so, because Maurissa ends up eating whipped cream from Riley's big toe.

Right before this, he was wearing SHOES WITH NO SOCKS, so there's def some extra flavoring here. 

Big toe aside, I think they're the sweetest couple, though previews seem to show a new arrival going after Maurissa, so we'll see! In the meantime, lets enjoy their Lady and the Tramp moment:

Ivan looks so sad to be eating his pasta alone, so I'm on way to carb load.

"Tammy is having the worst birthday ever"

Last week, Thomas, who stole Tammy away from Mouth Breather Aaron, went on a date with Bachelorette in Paradise Becca and they really hit it off. So ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Tammy pulls him away to chat aka confirm she's getting his rose and um yeah without any context I think you can assume this face is not the face of a man about to give you his rose:

First off, Tammy tells Thomas that he's her best friend??? Which what??? You literally met this man a week ago?? You really don't have any other best friends?? Anyway, he proceeds to tell her that he has feelings for Becca and he's not sure he can picture himself being with Tammy for the long run outside of Paradise. So, he essentially dumps her. Right before the Rose Ceremony. AND FYI IT'S HER BIRTHDAY. She is eventually sent home roseless ON HER BIRTHDAY, but she does get to enjoy this little birthday cupcake in the car:

And tbh that frosted cupcake topped with a strawberry probably provided more satisfaction than any of these men, so who's the real winner here.

Along with Tammy, the other women sent home are Jessenia (who broke things off with Ivan to pursue Chris and that was a bust), Deandra (who had two guys pursuing her last week, but gave a friendship rose to Ivan and didn't get one in return) and Demi (who wasn't able to keep Kenny away from Mari).

And a special rose was given by Paradise bartender Wells to....

NATASHA, WHO DESERVES SO MUCH MORE

Following Brendan's reveal that he's one of those fugly fish from the deepest parts of the ocean, you know, the ones with underbites and lamps hanging out of their heads, Natasha hasn't had any time to form a connection with any other men, so she's pretty worried heading into the ceremony.

But (maybe future permanent host??) Wells surprises her with a rose, telling her that she deserves another shot at love, a real one. And honestly, that's the least this trash ass franchise can give her.

And that second shot at love arrives on the beach the next day:

That's right, Dr. Joe from Tayshia/Clare's season still clinging onto that wack ass hairstyle that is only appropriate for Devin Sawa in 1997. He uses his date card to ask out Natasha, which is promising because he's known for being a nice guy and he has an actual job and *bonus* knows the difference between their/they're/there. 

Their date takes place in what appears to be the closet of a party venue, just full of extra stacked glasses and a giant decorative margarita. 

Which, speaking of giant, they drink big ass margaritas (the only correct serving size) that Joe actually swaps because Natasha's has a bug in it. Him doing this is probably the kindest thing a man has done on this beach so wow the bar is in fact low. Oh, but wait, it can't be that easy.

Natasha shares what her experience in Paradise has been like and how Brendan almost ruined all of it for her. OH AND FYI BRENDAN AND JOE ARE BEST FRIENDS (the flags, they are very very red). Knowing they're friends, she asks if Joe knew Brendan was dating Pieper before and umm this is the face of a man WHO KNOWS his friend is a dog, but wants to cover for him:

Joe says that he didn't know if they were "dating dating" (lollll great lying) before repeatedly yelling "MY BRENDAN?" as if he doesn't know "his" Brendan is a jerk. Natasha immediately catches onto his protect-Brendan-at-all-costs vibe and is like lemme see if I can nap my way on out of here:

From this moment on, it's like we get a totally different Joe. He goes from being thoughtful and eloquent to sounding pretty dumb while REPEATEDLY exclaiming "MY BRENDAN??" which is proof that Brendan really is a disease that can negatively impact people in a variety of ways. Speak with your doctor about the best treatment options.

I think it's safe to say Joe'Tasha won't be going the distance, so we'll see who arrives next week for Natasha instead.

I have never seen this man before in my life

This rando also arrives this week with a date card and I have to ask, is this show just picking random men off the street? I've never heard of "Blake" before even though he claims to be from Clare's season. 

Anyway, he chats with Natasha and Tia, but it's pretty clear he and Tia have the most chemistry as she says he is "exactly" her type and she refers to him as "tatty daddy" (ew). I guess that's her only requirement. Tattoos. 

Oh and by the way, Tia is newly coupled up with finance bro prototype (and dick-in-a-box) James, who said he was excited for the first time to be getting to know someone here. So yeah, he and his extra long tank top are less than thrilled to see Blake possibly interested in Tia:

Blake of course ends up asking out Tia and they head out for a day of four wheeling and sitting on a randomly placed bench next to a plate of fruit that neither of them will eat. During their chat, Tia admits she feels extremely comfortable with Blake and it's like they already have a strong connection even though this is the first time they've met. Blake agrees and they both say they can ALREADY see this working outside of the show and like, what, how? This is the first conversation you've had? Shouldn't you wait to find out if he has any toxic traits like owning Ed Hardy hats?? 

They end the date by making out under a shower in the rain (I don't have the brainpower to comment further on the stupidity of this, okay):

While they're taking a shower in the rain, James is back on the beach being sad with his best bro Aaron:

Huge thank you to Aaron for actually closing and covering his mouth to allow the camera crew more oxygen to breathe. James is pretty sure that Tia will come back all happy with Blake and they're both then like, what are we doing wrong here? And um, I don't know, maybe constantly only hanging out with each other and not spending time forming connections with the other people here? Just a wild guess. Since the women have roses next week, I'm pretty sure James will be heading home.

Speaking of heading home....

Why is Kendall still here??

While we got no footage of it happening, Ivan and Kendall formed enough of a connection for him to give her his rose this week. And obviously, I enjoy Ivan, but he's also stupid for thinking Kendall has any interest in pursuing a relationship with him when she's constantly wearing a t-shirt that says "I HEART JOE." Near the end of this week's episode, we get this shot of her sitting on the beach at sunset like she's Ariel, so clearly something is afoot (hehehe).

And the thing that is afoot is Joe and Serena' relationship, which is going pretty well. Joe sets up a little date for them and by "date" I mean a production assistant places a blanket on the ground with lamps.

Why this man continues to wear socks on the beach is beyond me. He must have disgusting claw like toes or something. Anyway, during beach blanket time, Joe and Serena both admit they're falling in love and it's all cute and sweet and yeah anyway, Kendall is literally staring at them from 2ft away, so not the cutest experience for her. She's so affected, she can't even pretend to be interested in kissing Ivan:

Poor Ivan. Honestly at this point, he should consider leaving the beach and marrying me, it's the best option, I think we can all agree.

The episode ends with Kendall walking away, but we don't know if she's leaving leaving. But I mean, her ex is falling in love, I think it's probably best that she scoots on home. 

And that's it! I'm so tired of this show! I would like to stop watching, please help me! But okay see you next week. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).