Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Martin staring directly into the camera because maybe like us, he's also just learned his name is Martin:

He gets some actual screentime this week, so I think I'll now remember who he is. Before this week's episode, I figured he was just a time traveling hologram because he looks like what middle schools boys looked like when they started bleaching their hair in the 2000s (so edgy).

It's week 3 and you guys, there's a major trash pickup coming, so let's jump right in so we can bag it up.

Can Michelle just marry one of these guys instead

For the first group date, Glen Powell (who played a hot John Glenn in "Hidden Figures") and Jay Ellis (who plays hot Lawrence on "Insecure") join Michelle at a hangar to put the guys through a series of Top Gun challenges, since they're both in the Top Gun reboot and to that I say, I've got a top for these two guys to gun, ahahaha.

Anyway, the guys change into flight suits and a couple of them (primarily Little Caesar Peter) wear them like they're deep V-neck shirts.

Michelle can only pick one "Maverick" who will get to spend special one-on-one time with her. She'll choose after the guys do things like push ups and high knees and is this the presidential fitness test. They're also forced to get into a G-Force simulator and while they're spinning around, they have to tell Michelle how they feel about her:

I know I never feel closer to a guy than when he's spilling his feelings to me while potentially spilling his lunch. Mmmm romance.

Was honestly surprised Peter even agreed to go on this thing because the man's hairline is one strong gust of wind away from extinction.

Those 3 strands of hair are fighting for their life, clinging onto that hair gel. But anyway, when he's on the simulator, he expresses his feelings to Michelle in Italian and fancies himself to be Marcus Aurelius. So he's absolutely pissed that when his longtime rival of approx one episode Will goes, he expresses his feelings to Michelle in Spanish. Little Caesar claims Will is "copying" him, which I'm no linguist but I'm pretty sure Spanish is not the same as Italian. This incredibly stupid and baseless rivalry grows deeper when Will ends up winning the date and is awarded a Forever21 bomber jacket:

This jacket is apparently the last (cheese) straw for Peter who feels the need to stir up an argument with Will AGAIN during ANOTHER group date and wow Will's exasperated expression speaks for all of us:

But can you blame Peter, I mean, he has nothing to offer Michelle in terms of smarts, looks, conversation or hair, but he is incredibly annoying so he has to show her that! What's worse is Peter is like every idiotic bully — he has THE WORST comebacks. Like if you're gonna be a rude bitch, at least have some scathing barbs. Instead, he says things to Will like "You hate my mouth because you wish you had it" which doesn't even surpass "U-G-L-Y, you aint got no alibi, you ugly" in terms of cleverness. 

Right, so Peter thinks Will is dramatic and hysterical, so while he is talking with Michelle, Peter proves he is the more mature one by grabbing Will's bomber jacket and throwing it in the pool. 

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Very non-dramatic, calm and rational behavior. When Will finds out, he doesn't make a big deal out of it because he doesn't want to ruin the night and it's actually kind of sad to watch him fish the jacket out of the pool. 

While this stupidity is happening, Martin is actually winning the evening.

He was already on Michelle's mind after taking time during the group date to pull her aside and ask how she was and wow men doing the bare minimum, standing ovation. She thanks him for being mature and tells him that she's confident that he's here for her and he ends up getting the group date rose. And since he gets the rose, he then gets extra time with Michelle:

They dance to a string quartet playing "Take My Breath Away," which is actually the most Top Gun thing about this entire date.

"I would apple'outly love it if you would accept this rose"

Rodney gets this week's solo date and remember his "thing" with Michelle is not being able to tell apples apart. He truly thinks all apples are granny smith apples. Playing off that, for the first part of their date, they take turns being blindfolded while the other feeds them foods that they have to guess from this selection:

Even though I can tell these foods have been sitting out for HOURS, like look at those flaccid french fries, it doesn't deter how intensely attracted I am to all of these dishes. That spaghetti sauce has congealed and yet, I'd still give it the first impression rose.

Anyway, they then do a bunch of other things (read: random producer created activities to take up time) before wrapping up things as most dates conclude — with some streaking.

Rodney has to run around the hotel naked while Michelle cheers him on and this has truly been such a grab bag assortment of activities. While he's running around, all of the guys come out of their rooms to see what's going on along with Tayshia and Kaitlyn:

I can't decide what I relate to more — Tayshia's facial expression or Kaitlyn's hands because if both aren't what you do when you're surprised but also having an overwhelming feeling to scream laugh.

What I'll say about Rodney is he seems so genuinely and fully here for Michelle and willing to be as vulnerable and open as she needs him to be. He shares that his biggest fear is passing away before he becomes a husband and father and in response, Michelle tells him that hers is becoming complacent, but that's also her weakness because she's always focusing on the next thing instead of enjoying the now. And you guys, this is how he looks at her every time she speaks:

You can tell that Michelle could say she taught a duck how to play the tuba and he'd be like that's the ducking best.

They both talk about how important it is for their partner in life to understand how race affects their everyday lives. Michelle shares that a white woman called her the n-word in the grocery store once and it obviously upset her, but when she got home and told her then boyfriend, he told her she shouldn't be upset because that was "giving power to the woman who said it." She didn't say his name, but we must find this man and fling him into the sun, okay. She says she felt like she had to justify how she was feeling to this guy, which is ridiculous because she is allowed to feel how she wants to for as long as she wants to.

Now obviously, Rodney would never make Michelle justify her feelings or literally anything she does. He's previously told Michelle he's the "underdog" because he isn't the best looking or smartest guy in the house, but she assures him that she doesn't think he's an underdog and she likes that she can laugh with him. He obviously gets a rose.

Which is also when we get to hear Michelle deliver that "apple'outly" line. Who knew that not being able to tell apples apart could be the foundation to a new relationship.

A group date mostly to confirm Jamie is annoying

For the second group date, the guys are joined by spoken word poet and author Rudy Francisco, who tells them that they'll all need to write a poem to express some real emotions to Michelle.

Most of the guys take this very seriously and Michelle is pleasantly surprised at the poems that *most* of them come up. However, blink if you're a dumbass who isn't one of them because you can't follow simple instructions:

Jamie delivers what Brandon refers to as "a weird Ted Talk" in which he doesn't talk about himself or Michelle or their relationship, but instead, shares some made-up story about a lost girl, an angel and a rabbit. It's made even more bizarre by the fact that Jamie seems to think that he is totally killing it.

Michelle delivers the most insightful poem of the date, sharing what life was like growing up in a predominately white community as the "token Black girl" who was always picked last for dances, but first for basketball.

Um very sorry for the "Eternals" promo but it was huge and also perfectly describes how we will be watching this show for eternity. 

Later, during the evening portion of the date, we get plenty of interview clips of Jamie talking about how he's "not even competing" for a rose because he's just so far ahead of the competition, but omg guess he's been competing in the wrong competition because cutie Brandon gets the group date rose.

After this, Jamie, who thinks he is the most mature guy here, immediately runs off to tattle to a producer that he shouldn't even have to be going on these lame group dates anyway and it's ridiculous that he has to wait six weeks "to reach the end."

He then takes a sharp turn down Douchebag Lane and shit talks Michelle by saying she's acting like she's in "spring break mode" and questioning if she "should really be in that mode if she's looking for a husband." AND WOWWWW WE HAVE TO THROW THIS WHOLE MAN AWAY. I mean, his face is already pretty crumpled up, let's just crumple the rest of him up AND THROW HIM IN A TRASH CAN ON THE SUN.

Thankfully, the throwing away will be happening verrrrrry soon, but first...

Quick interjection

This is Romeo writing his poem during the group date and it seems a camera person is in love with him because the angle here. This looks like a scene from a Hallmark holiday movie about a young professor who returns to his small town to fall in love with a woman who continues to willingly watch and blog about a terrible reality dating show (Lacey Chabert would die for this role). 

He's a mathematician and to that I say that I'd like to see his digits because I've got some things for him to calculate (HEHEHEHE). 

Okay, back to business....

A truly beautiful Rose Ceremony

Just as I put it off in real life, we're not taking out the trash yet. We have to wait until it's overflowing and trust me, it will be soon because as Rick so eloquently points out, "When the pot gets stirred, the rat will be exposed." Not sure what pot he's been stirring that has a rat in it, but sure.

Before rat pot time, how about some cute, 6'8" Nayte time. He chats with Michelle first during the cocktail party and anyway, this is exactly what you say when Nayte asks you to run away with him.

They don't actually run away, per se, because Michelle is not a fool named Colton. They just relocate to a more secluded corner for making out. And because my opinion can very much sway the outcome of this show that wrapped months ago, I feel it necessary to again point out that I LOVE NAYTE. And this is about the only carefree, joyful conversation of the evening before we get back to bagging up this incredibly smelly Jamie trash. 

During Rick's intense eye time with Michelle, he reassures her that he's tight with most of the guys and knows none of them have been worried about the whole Joe thing. She then solves the two-episode long mystery of "who spread this lie about Michelle" by just telling Rick that it was Jamie who told her "all of the guys" were talking about it. 

This obviously gets Detective Rick's wheels spinning and he immediately shares this news with a few of the guys and they then call Jamie over to talk. Even though this is a still image, can't you just hear "See, what had happened was...."

I wouldn't even call what he does during this conversation "dancing around the truth" because the truth is nowhere to be found. He's dancing several countries and time zones away from the truth. But in summary:

Nayte: Why did you say this to Michelle?
Jamie: Because there were these conversations happening about Joe and it created this "character"
Nayte: Wtf who was having these conversations
Jamie: Well, me and also me and then there was also me. But also, I was not a part of any of those conversations, so I don't know what you're talking about
Nayte: If you don't know, then why did you say that to Michelle?
Jamie: Because I'm trying to make myself look good when these episodes air

I don't think the complete opposite of "good" has been demonstrated more on this show, ever, and that's saying a lot. But this is just a sneak peek. To reveal the Marianas Trench depth of Jamie's stupidity, we need some help from:

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Michelle gathers all of these circus peanuts and tells them that the biggest nut of all, Jamie, was the one who informed her of the "rumor." He immediately gets his wings going and starts bumbling about how he only told her that because he wanted to "protect her," but she quickly responds with "Buuuuuuut YOU created this drama around my character and YOU made up this story about Joe, soooo it doesn't seem like you're protecting me." And I'll let Nayte's face speak for all of us:

The guys ask if his intentions were so pure, why didn't he admit that he was the one who told Michelle? In response, he gets his bike out and backpedals, saying "Well well well, see see see, this issue was not about the individual" WHICH WTF THAT IS SUCH A BIZARRE ANSWER?? From this point on, it's like he's using Microsoft Word's synonym editor on every single word in real time to such an extent that it's all nonsensical. Just a bunch of random nouns and verbs. 

Eventually, Michelle asks him to stop saying every word he knows and to join her outside for a chat. He continues his stupid reasoning outside, leading Michelle to release the world's most patient deep breath:

While she doesn't punch him in the side of the head, which would've been fantastic, she does the next best thing — sends him home immediately (YESSSSSS). None of that "oh, let's see how things go" or "let's see what happens at the Rose Ceremony" like the Bachelor/Bachelorette so often does.

She does cancel the rest of the cocktail party though because she knows who she wants to give roses to and let's just skip to the good part — Will gets the last rose:

Which is of note because it means Little Caesar's Peter is sent home too!!! Jamie AND Peter in one night!! This is a real BOGO deal. Wow, the air feels so much fresher with all of the garbage taken out.

And that's it! I'm so relieved we won't have to suffer through another week with those two jokes of men. Almost as relieved as I'll be when I am released from having to watch this show. That day hasn't come yet, so see you next week! Til then, find me signing up for a dating app for mathematicians and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by Michelle's student making the face that I'm making most of the time, either on my actual face or on my heart:

I'm most notably making this face when I realize while watching this show that I am in fact.....still watching this show. Ick.

It's week 2! Meaning we're still opening the wrapper of this Nature Valley granola bar of a season to learn that oh God there's crumbs and mess everywhere. Let's jump in!

"Well, that was awful"

For the first group date, Michelle invites man, man, man and also several other men (I can't be expected to know names yet) to participate in tests of their math, science and spelling skills against the smartest people to appear on this show since Michelle:

A few of Michelle's 5th grade students ask the guys questions, beginning with some basic math problems, including the standard SAT question of "How many times is it acceptable to call Michelle beautiful in a day?" Most of the guys respond with "infinity," but Pizzapreneur Peter decides to ~*sTeP oUt oF tHe bOx*~ with this response:

What the hell does "bell heart" mean. I'm also mad because Dax Shepard's response in the back clearly says "The limit does not exist," but it's blocked by this cheeseball.

He's front and center for a good (read: stupid) reason as we quickly learn that this cheeseball is about to be our new (temporary) villain. We get entirely too many clips of him saying corny things to Michelle in an effort to stand out, mixed in with totally unsurprising interview clips of him saying he has an "alpha presence," which just means that he calls women "females" and thinks that Joe Rogan is the smartest man on the planet.

Will becomes increasingly annoyed with Peter sucking all of the air out of the room, so when the guys are asked to spell "narcissist," he instead just writes "Peter" as his answer, which tbh is just textbook funny okay. This infuriates alpha, totally secure and self-confident Peter:

What he should really be mad about is how his hair is in a race with itself to see what it can do faster — thin or recede. 

Later, during the date's cocktail party, Cheeseball maturely confronts Will about this:

Haha jk he mostly yells and points while seeing if he can break the world record for saying "bro" the most times in 3 minutes. Also, this is exactly the outfit you'd predict he'd wear, right. There is a direct correlation between receding, but gelled, hairlines and graphic tees.

After hearing the yelling, Michelle pulls Peter away to talk and asks him why he's acting so angry and aggressive. He tells her that this is "totally out of character" for him, which precisely none of us believe because can't you clearly visualize him yelling at the Subway sandwich artist for "disrespecting" him by accidentally putting cucumbers on his sub.

Cheeseball stupidity aside, Michelle does get some quality time in with some of the other guys because remember that is the point of this show, forming connections with Michelle. During her time with Rick, they fill out this mad lib that Rick created so it's written in all capital letters with a Sharpie because that is the default stationary of a stalker:

This whole things ends with them kissing and I mean, maybe their relationship will evolve, but at this current point they have about as much heat as egg salad.

Also of note is Brandon, who apologizes for not being able to spell "protein" or "entrepreneur" correctly, but who promises to "try his best, no matter what" for Michelle:

This is so corny and Michelle calls him out for it, but the difference between his corny and Peter's corny is that Brandon is hot. A key difference.

Michelle is ultimately fine with him not being a good speller because he's a good kisser and I mean, you can't be both. Brandon gets the group date rose.

But enough with our faux villain, let's get to....

The season's real villain

Jamie gets the season's first one-on-one and we capture our first red flag from him when he responds to his date card not by talking about how excited he is to spend time with Michelle, but by rambling about how she needs to impress him and convince him that she can fit into his "adventurous" life. And omg I had no idea we entered some alternate universe where this is actually Jamie's season of The Bachelor, wow, technology is amazing! These men are exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting, they spend the first part of their date rock climbing.

This is actually a pretty cool and legit date as opposed to other "adventurous" dates the show has planned where the couple does something like rappel down the side of a coffee table.

Later, the evening portion of the date takes place at the table where the producers store all of the show's candles:

Jamie opens up about his family, telling Michelle that his mom struggled with mental health issues when he was growing up and he missed a lot of school because he often stayed home to watch over her and ensure she wouldn't hurt herself. He shares that when he was 24, she took her own life and that has impacted his whole life, but it also pushed him to find something that mattered in life and people and relationships that are worth it. Michelle genuinely listens and feels for him and tells him that she's proud of where he came from and it's amazing what he's been able to navigate through (that's right, no Matt James "thank you for sharing" BS, how refreshing). 

She of course gives him a rose and they end the date in traditional Bachelorette fashion by slow dancing to a singer we've never heard of:

Her name is Caroline Jones, but if I told you her name was Jaroline Cones, would you even know the difference.

So things seem to be on the up-and-up with Jamie, but let's not forget that first red flag because we'll come back to it.....

A one-on-one with Joe that's presented as a group date

The second group date is basketball focused and casually includes two WNBA players:

The guys are taken through a series of basketball drills before they're asked to challenge anyone else to a game of 1-on-1. This ultimately leads to everyone having to watch Michelle and Joe reenact that scene from Love & Basketball:

While she clearly pays him the most attention during this date, it's also like, you can't blame her because he's quite literally the only man who knows how to dribble the ball. Which makes sense, since we learn that along with playing college basketball (like Michelle) he was Minnesota's "Mr. Basketball" in 2011, the same year that Michelle was the runner-up for "Ms. Basketball." 

But wait, the other guys need a few minutes of camera time, so the group is split into two teams for a game and the winning team will get to spend time with Michelle during the evening portion of the date.  

In a shocking turn of events, Joe's team doesn't win, meaning he and his team are heading home right? Wrong. Or well, right, in that Joe's team is sent home, but Joe gets to stay for the cocktail party because he's voted "MVP." Really heavy use of air bunnies because how can someone be the most valuable player of a losing team?? If you were actually the most valuable, wouldn't you have helped them....win??? Just seems like this is like being voted tastiest lunch meat among all expired lunch meats. It's exactly like that, don't think about it, okay.

So anyway, this one-on-one with Joe, I mean group date, continues with a cocktail party where, omg can you believe it, Michelle spends the most time with Joe.

Again, I don't blame her because my watch also only ever reads IT'S JOE TIME.

He tells her that he recently learned his old basketball coach passed away and it hit him hard, but playing basketball during the group date really helped him. And she tells him that she feels a connection with him because they both have this understanding of Minnesota and basketball and aren't those really the only two things people need to know about for love.

Joe obviously gets the group date rose.

Quick interjection before the drama

So as a reminder, Rodney showed up on night one dressed as an apple and when Michelle asked what kind of apple he was, he said he was a granny smith apple even though he was wearing a red apple costume. He could've said so many things — gala, red delicious, fuji, honestly just RED APPLE, but instead went with one of the only non-red apples. This is the most I've ever said apple in one paragraph and for that, I'm mad.

Anyway, during the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Michelle wants to test Rodney's apple identifying skills, so she surprises him with this:

I'm dying at the inclusion of pizza. This actually reminds me of when my Geology 101 professor in college flashed a slide onscreen asking "Is this a mineral? Or is it a bagel?" and literally had us distinguish between photos of minerals and bagels. You will not be shocked to learn I got a 110% in that class.

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Back to Rodney. He proves he will never be an apple CSI investigator as he thinks every apple is a granny smith apple. Except for the pizza. He identifies that as lasagna.

Honestly, this is the most entertaining part of the whole episode. And now let's get to....

The annoying part

Remember when I said we'd come back to Jamie's red flags, well Google Maps says we've arrived at Red Flag Central, so we're back. 

After listening to too much Billie Eilish, Jamie decides he's ready to be the bad guy and starts stirring up rumors about how Michelle and Joe knew each other before arriving. He "suddenly" remembers that before leaving for the show, some "friends" happened to see Michelle at a restaurant in Minneapolis with her "light skinned basketball player boyfriend." He decides he needs to confront Michelle about this rumor that he literally just started.

After acting all tough with one of the other guys and saying that he cares a lot about this rumor (that he started), Jamie sits down with Michelle and immediately says he "personally" doesn't care about what happened in her past. And y'all, the gaslighting fumes, they are thick. He tells her that there's "other people here" who might be questioning her past with Joe and there's a rumor "spreading" that she had a "light skinned boyfriend" back in Minnesota. The way Jamie is presenting this dramatic tale as if he is not the author is truly wild. She asks him if the "questioning" is getting to a point that's disrespectful and he says "it's getting there," which actually is true, except, HE IS THE ONE DOING THE DISRESPECTFUL QUESTIONING?? 

This conversation then makes Michelle start doubting herself, so she addresses all of these Dum Dum suckers at once:

She gets to the point in telling them that her and Joe exchanged a couple DMs before he ghosted her (lol memories) and night one of the show was her first time meeting ALL of them. She then gets to this rumor about her supposed "boyfriend," saying that because she's a Black woman and was seen at dinner with a tall Black man, it's immediately assumed that he's her boyfriend, when like, she doesn't think the same would be true if she was out to dinner with a white guy. She then says she's open to answering any of their questions, but none of them ask anything because this is literally the first time almost all of them are hearing about this rumor that all of them were allegedly concerned about (I'm tired).

With the silence awkwardly lingering, she leaves, saying she needs some time to think. The guys then spin out into Clue mode trying to figure out who murdered the truth with the candlestick in the library. And anyway here's Jamie's stupid face trying to avoid all eye contact:

While the guys are going around asking "Who said this to Michelle and ruined the evening??" Jamie's dumbass is on the sidelines like "Omg yeah, who said that to Michelle, that's wild, whoever did that" AND Y'ALL ALL RED FLAGS HAVE BEEN RAISED.

As a result of Jamie's episode of Gossip Girl, Michelle cancels the rest of the evening and gets right to the Rose Ceremony, which like.... 

How late are these Rose Ceremonies happening

Based on how haggard all of the men look, I'd guess approx 2.5 days has passed between when Jamie stirred up drama and the actual Rose Ceremony. Pardeep was literally sleeping, poor guy.

Unfortunately, our sleeping beauties Pardeep and PJ (on the far right) are sent home along with Alec and Daniel (do those names mean anything to you). 

So we're down to 19 guys which is 1 Jamie too many. Hoping that Aaron shows up from Katie's season to reveal the truth about everything (jk please no one new show up). Wait which speaking of, with Katie and Blake ending their engagement, do y'all think he'll show up next week because Michelle is exactly his type (Bachelorette).

Guess we'll have to see! Til then, find me lurking outside your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

First off, apologies for not posting about the BIP finale but it was pretty clear I needed to take some time to reflect on my terrible choices since my two obsessions (Brendan and Ivan) ended up being two red flags disguised as men.

But I'm happy to report that after some Christina Aguilera "who is that girl I see" reflection, I have changed in no way and will continue to go down with this ship.

Fortunately though, this ship has a new captain:

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Michelle! Who you may recall as being ENTIRELY too good for boring ass Matt and also truly the best woman to ever be on this sewage water of a show. Long story short, I want Michelle to find a good ass man (I'll let you decide which word I'm emphasizing there) more than I want it for myself because that is a normal and healthy mindset to have.

Enduring seasons with Peter, Matt and Katie was like being trapped in a fart filled car, but now Michelle is finally that breath of fresh air. So let's jump in and get to know her again, beginning with....

A reminder that Michelle is gorg

She's also a 5th grade teacher from Minneapolis who played four years of basketball in college. So it's like okay, we get it, sometimes God gives with both hands.

During her intro, we meet her parents who have been married for 33 years.

Inspired by her parents, she's hoping to find someone to form a long lasting relationship with and anyway I'm mostly sharing this screenshot because both of her parents are wearing the ULTIMATE dad and mom shoes, which I love. Also that fruit salad tho.

As a note, Michelle's season is set in Indian Wells, CA, probably because Freddie Prinze Jr.'s hometown of Albuquerque needed some time to clean up the sludge of back-to-back seasons. Now let's get to meeting some favorites from night one....

"Better Nayte than never"

Nayte is a 27-year-old sales executive from Austin which who cares about that because this man is SIX FOOT EIGHT. He's the first guy to meet Michelle and even though his eyebrows are entirely too manicured, I can't even really tell because did I mention he's 6'8". 

When he sits down to chat with Michelle for the first time, he admits that he has trouble opening up, especially about his family. But after some encouragement from Michelle, he dives right in. He tells her that his parents got divorced when he was young and his mom recently got divorced again from his stepdad who was like his best friend. He also keeps telling her that he's nervous, which I find to be adorable.

At the end of the night, I guess his "better Nayte than never" line resonated because he gets the First Impression Rose (and first kiss of the season):

Based on historical precedent (I'm an academic), Nayte will likely be around until at least the top six. And I don't mind it because he actually does seem really sweet and kind and okay listen, he's 6'8", I would let this mean physically take my heart out and juggle with it.

So Nayte is for sure a front runner, now let's check out some of the other guys of note...

Is this what salesmen look like now

Clayton is a former Mizzou football player who thinks he can bond with Michelle over their college sports experiences along with the fact that his mom is also a teacher. And normally, I'd find this whole midwestern package as blandly vanilla, but he shows up with a yardstick for Michelle to use in case he misbehaves and then actually has her spank him with it. Honestly, unexpected. He's not just any scoop of vanilla ice cream, he's def got some sprinkles. However, we are still subtracting points because WHAT ARE THOSE:

Anytime I've encountered these dressy + soft bottomed shoes in the wild, I've been completely entranced by how hideous they are.  

While he doesn't apologize for those criminal shoes, he does apologize for hugging Michelle with only one arm (since he's hiding the yardstick behind his back with the other) because ONE-ARMED HUGS ARE INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL. Like, if I'm going full ass in for a hug, your entire ass better also be in. 

I imagine this scoop of vanilla with sprinkles will be around for a while.

Has some red flags, therefore, I am interested

Joe and his perfect brows and smile are also from Minnesota and Michelle immediately recognizes him as someone she's met before. When he's walking away from their first meeting, she asks him:

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Honestly, who among us hasn't had to ask this before. She follows up by asking if his last name is Coleman, to which he says yes before walking into the house. She then remembers that they messaged back and forth on IG about basketball before HE GHOSTED HER.

When they talk later, she asks him outright why he just stopped responding, with no explanation. He tells her that this was shortly after George Floyd was murdered and protests were happening in Minneapolis close to where he owned a property and he realized he wasn't mentally ready for a relationship. She tells him she understands and he didn't need to be ready for a relationship, he just needed to communicate (TELL HIM, MICHELLE). And she's super skeptical of his decision to be here now....that she's.....the Bachelorette, but he assures her that he's been going to therapy and focusing on improving and he really is here for her. 

She remains pretty unsure about him up until the first Rose Ceremony because she knows that the only ghost allowed around here is Casper (and by association, Devin Sawa). But in the end, hot Joe gets the last rose:

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Now, I am strictly against ghosting except for every instance that I've done it. And also, I'll note that you can call me haunted mansion because I'd let Joe ghost me every day of the week and twice on Sunday. But I want more for Michelle, so we'll see how he proves himself to her in the coming weeks.

Quick interjection

What is Dax Shepard doing here?? Isn't he still married to Kristen Bell?? Unfortunately for this man, I WILL be contacting Gossip Girl.

Nice to meet you, Brandaaaaaaaamn

This is Brandon J. and he's a traveling nurse recruiter from Portland who's also one of the younger ones in the bunch at 26. He rolls up to meet Michelle in a bed, which would come off as cringe if not for the fact that he is SO GOOD LOOKING. And I guess it's memorable enough for Michelle because she ends up giving him a rose even though they don't have a chance to speak over the course of the night. While he's waiting for a rose, we get clips of him saying that not getting a rose would be "the worst thing to happen here" and I have to come in with a fact check because what if snakes wearing those dressy + soft bottom shoes fell out of the ceiling while Eminem loudly blasted from speakers. Pretty sure that would actually be the worst thing.

But wait, you're probably wondering, why didn't she have time to speak with Brandon? What stupid event could've transpired to take up entirely too much time on this first night?

The stupid event

Ryan is one of the guys we're introduced to before night one and at one point, Tayshia and Kaitlyn (they're co-hosts again, did I mention that) come to his hotel room to meet him and snoop around his stuff. CIA agents Tayshia and Kaitlyn then find a bunch of folders of notes in his suitcase that are basically how-tos for looking good on the show (such as "how to get a good edit" and "how to not be a villain) and y'all when I say a bunch of notes, I mean a bunch. This man must've spent tens of dollars at FedEx to print everything out. 

Tayshia and Kaitlyn obviously share this intel with Michelle who confronts Ryan about it.

I was cracking up during this because he kept trying to hold her hands and she was not having it.

She asks to see the notes and he's like "omg sure yes, I'll show you these totally normal notes I have" and they head up to his room. Once there, she asks him to leave her alone and she proceeds to sort through his honors thesis on The Bachelorette.

I don't know how clearly you can see the clock, but IT IS 4:49 A.M. Unless pages are literally printed on Zac Efron's abs, I will never ever be caught reading something from a man before 8 a.m.

After sorting through Ryan's serial killer'ish notes, Michelle has this conversation with him (factually summarized):

Michelle: WTF
Ryan: I didn't know anything about the show, so my friend's wife wrote all of these notes to help me get to know you
Michelle: But these notes aren't even about me??
Ryan: Well I wrote a bunch of notes while watching you on Matt's season
Michelle: So you did write them??
Ryan: No, but also yes, but also no, but mostly yes and also I watched a lot of prior seasons, but wait did I tell you I don't know much about the show, because I don't

She then of course asks him to leave because this has been a weird turn of events and it's 4:49 a.m. and who the hell is printing things these days??? Toxic ass men, that's who. 

So Ryan's gone, but the mention of serial killer'ish reminds me....

This man probably owns like jars of teeth, right

This is Rick and he actually makes it through the entire first night without blinking once. There is something eerily intense about him and his creep factor is only elevated by the fact that he decided to meet Michelle as a Halloween decoration:

His actual reasoning for this is that he's Michelle's "main dish," which I mean, if that's what he's going for, why didn't he come dressed as a steak. Instead of A HEAD ON A PLATTER??? You will not convince me that this man has not been charged with stalking before. He looks like the killer from every episode of CSI.

Michelle doesn't mind him though and he ends up getting a rose, so I guess we get to see how long he can go without blinking before industrial level eye drops are brought in.

Speaking of the Rose Ceremony...

This is what Michelle looks like at like 6 a.m.

When we finally get to the Rose Ceremony, the sun has just come up, meaning that Michelle has spent 12+ hours meeting these ding dongs and has already had to deal with unnecessary drama. AND YET, not a flaw in sight. How does she do it. I would've rubbed off one of my eyebrows by this point.

Anyway, the guys all gather in what appears to be the hotel lobby (which I now realize is also where the cocktail party was last night):

It always makes me laugh to think about how it probably seemed like a good idea last night to wear a costume but now it's 6 a.m. and you're dressed as a giant apple. 

I honestly don't remember (and it's not important) who all got sent home, but as a sampling (because I'm a scientist), I do remember what happened with these guys:

The two guys in the back in navy suits and the Batman villain looking man in the front got roses. Sadly, the pouffy haired, blinking man and sleeveless suit wearing man were both sent home. 

But now we're at least down to 23 guys, which is a much more standard number of men to be dating at the same time (30 is just too many to keep track of). And look, I'm actually excited for Michelle's season and by that I mean I will scream and throw another TV out the window if she doesn't find happiness. 

See you all next week (please join me, don't make me do this alone)! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).