Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Hometown Dates)

Apologies for not posting last week, but I was booked and busy preparing to eat an entire turkey (if you're picturing that episode of Friends, yes I am Joey). But to summarize my thoughts on last week: MARTIN IS A DELUSIONAL TRASH ASS MAN WHO SHOULD LEAVE US ALONE FOREVER AND ALSO WE MUST DO WHAT WE CAN TO ENSURE OLU FINDS LOVE. That's all you missed reading.

It's hometown dates week! But they're taking place in Michelle's hometown, so this is a real hometown in a hometown date, which isn't that the premise for Inception (omg calm down, I know the premise of Inception is to showcase how hot Joseph Gordon Levitt got).

Let's jump in!

Portland, Minnesota with Brandon

Brandon, who I am obsessed with, is up first and he brings a bit of Portland to Minnesota by taking Michelle on a date at a skatepark because skating is something he grew up doing with his brother.

And sorry, but there is basically no date situation where I want to be wearing a helmet. Not because of the danger element likely associated with it, but because absolutely everyone looks like a child with a helmet on. Doesn't matter how hot you are, when you put a helmet on, you are Tommy Pickles.

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Anyway, after falling a bunch, Brandon gets Michelle on a skateboard because there's no one you want more to teach you how to skateboard than a man you just watched flop all over a skatepark.

Afterwards, they sit and chat and what I need to know is WHAT IS IN THAT PINK BOX??? DO YOU THINK ITS DONUTS???? CUPCAKES???? I NEED TO KNOW. 

Brandon lets Michelle know that introducing her to his family is a new thing because he's never brought someone home who he "cares about so much," which makes me ask, does that mean he's brought home plenty of girls who he doesn't care about?? If so, I would love to not be cared about??

Later, Michelle meets Brandon's parents and brother. 

Ahead of their arrival, Brandon's mom says it's odd that he's dating someone she hasn't met yet and if that's odd, then wow I guess my family is the Odd Family because I never subject my family to the cockatoos I date.

Brandon's hot brother, who btw is casually delaying entry into the Navy to be here because sometimes Uncle Sam calls but Uncle ABC calls louder, tells Michelle that he's concerned that she's dating 3 other guys.

Which yes, this is the regular thing that all family members on this show should always bring up first. Like, you're meeting your brother's girlfriend who has 3 other boyfriends, that is for sure the premise for a TLC show. But hot brother comes around because he can tell how much Brandon cares for Michelle, who tells him that she can 100% see herself with Brandon at the end of this. 

Both of Brandon's parents love Michelle (obviously), his dad especially who bonds with Michelle over fishing and basketball. 

They end the night how every hometown date is legally required to be concluded — by making out on a bench.

Brandon has expressed his feelings before, but he tells Michelle he's falling for her and she tells him she's also falling for him, making this our first (but not last) double fall of the week!

Gonna be honest, I'm now predicting Michelle picks Brandon. This prediction is a win-win for me in that if I'm right, my close personal friend Michelle gets true love with a sweet guy and if I'm wrong, my close personal friend me gets true love with hot Brandon.

Appletown (apparently), Minnesota with Rodney

Rodney, whose whole thing with Michelle is based on the apple costume he wore on night one (the strongest foundation for any relationship), tells Michelle that they'll be spending the day picking apples that are only grown in Minnesota called "first kiss" apples. And that's cute and all, but isn't this supposed to be about his hometown, which is Rancho Cucamonga? Shouldn't they actually be reenacting scenes from Bring It On?

Alas, there is no spirit stick, instead they frolic and pick apples and taste them with various dips (while blindfolded because this is also their thing??).

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During all of this, Michelle keeps saying how she can see Rodney being her "best friend," which oh hey can I show you this location on the map it's called the Friend Zone. Rodney is sweet, but he is truly the mayor of the Friend Zone. So when Michelle says she can see him as her "life partner," I assume she means partner in playing the board game, Life.

Later, Michelle gets to meet Rodney's mom and stepdad.

What do you think is in the gifts the Bachelorette/Bachelor always brings to these family meetings? Do you think it's just full of all the uneaten coot, accumulated throughout the season, because that doesn't sound disgusting at all to me, I am interested in a bag o'coot.

When Michelle talks with Rodney's mom, she tells her that she doesn't laugh with anyone else as hard as she laughs with Rodney.

His mom is like hehe that's great but um, you're dating 3 other dudes and there's a chance Rodney could have his heart broken. Michelle reassures her by saying if her flight was canceled and she was stuck in an airport for 5 hours, Rodney is someone she could picture getting through it with. Phew, you're welcome mom, don't you feel so much better.

Rodney's mom also shares her concerns with him and he tells her that he's falling in love and Michelle is "worth the risk," which wow I have a cavity because of how incredibly sweet that is.

During bench time, he tells her he's falling in love.

And she says she's falling in lo...aded mashed potatoes, jk, that actually would've been better because she just doesn't say anything in return. Not looking good for Rodney!

Actual Minnesota with Minnesota Joe

Joe is the only guy whose hometown date is in his actual hometown, so to kick things off, he brings Michelle to his high school (since she took him to hers before).

They walk around his enormous She's All That high school before he stops her near this ledge and tells her he's "always wanted to do this" but never had a girlfriend to do it with.

And I'm sorry, NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND?? JOE??? THIS MAN WITH THIS FACE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND??? This fact is actually what they should've teased in promos as "THE MOST DRAMATIC REVEAL YET."

To wrap up their time on Riverdale, Joe surprises Michelle with a prom because he never got to go to one (AGAIN, WHAT???) and she mentioned getting picked last for dances and he wants her to know she'll always be first with him (SERIOUSLY, THIS MAN, DID NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND??).

They take photos and dance to royalty-free music and most importantly, actually eat the snacks.

I need to know what production assistant decided that a bowl of PLAIN ASS LAYS was the best chip choice when there are perfectly good bags of Doritos available everywhere.

Later, Michelle meets Joe's parents, brother and sister-in-law.

We learn that there actually is someone who is quieter than Joe and that's his dad. They speak for about 1 minute before Joe asks his dad if he has any questions about it all AND HIS DAD SAYS NO and they sit in silence. 

Joe's mom, brother and sister-in-law all love Michelle because they can tell how excited he is to be with her and they can see that she pushes him to express himself more and share his feelings.

Michelle and Joe end the night on literally the same bench setup from Rodney's date and Joe tells Michelle he's falling in love with her and that she's "that special person" for him. She tells him she's falling in love too, making it 2/3 for the week.

Now obviously, I love Joe and it would be easiest for him to end up with Michelle since they already live in the same town and have so much in common. Buuuuuut, I'm still thinking Brandon has a slight edge.

Austin, Minnesota with Nayte

To share a little of his life in Austin with Michelle, Nayte takes her out paddle boarding because it's something he always does a few times a week.

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During this joint paddle board situation, Joe is like "I have balance, see" and in response, Michelle is like "you have a nice body" HAHAHA excuse me am I writing the lines for this show.

When they sit to chat, Nayte tells Michelle she'll be the FIRST woman he's introduced to his mom and stepdad (who are divorced now), so they'll likely be very protective over him. He says they've never seen him "head over heels for someone," before telling Michelle that he's crazy about her and falling in love with her, which Michelle says in return. Wow, not even saving it for bench time, this is unprecedented.

Later, it's time for the "he may not be ready for this" family meeting, which is required to happen every season.

Nayte's mom tells Michelle that she's worried he's being "swept up" because he's never been in a relationship that might end in marriage and she doesn't want him to feel pressure to get engaged. This doubt is put on full volume for us when Nayte admits to his mom that he's "not 100% there" right now for engagement BECAUSE HE'S NEVER BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE. And like, I'm no relationship expert, but I'm pretty sure saying "I love you" for the first time shouldn't happen when you get engaged, but what do I know.

While Nayte's stepdad is happy to see him happy, he also doesn't think Nayte is ready for an engagement. 

So 3 out of 4 people here do not think Nayte is ready to get married — his mom, his stepdad and him. I'm not a mathematician (I'm just trying to date one, remember Romeo), but these odds don't seem the best.

Nayte talking with his stepdad about Michelle does spur a lot of emotions because they've never actually talked this deeply before. 

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Nayte tells his stepdad that when he has a family, he wants to be to them what his stepdad was to him and his stepdad says "you'll be better than me" AND WOWWWW LEMME GET THESE TEARS. They hug and then tell each other they love each other FOR THE FIRST TIME and sometimes this show is good, okay.

So great progress for Nayte's relationship with his stepdad, but not the best for his relationship with Michelle. Nonetheless, things conclude on what we've now learned is THEEEE bench for hometown dates:

They could've at least changed the lamps or something, I mean come on.

THE RETURN OF COMMS MANAGER BRI!!!!!!

After all of the hometown dates, Bri and Serena drop by to see how Michelle is dealing with juggling four boyfriends (it's tiring). They obviously all became best friends after suffering through Matt's season and hearing "thank you for sharing that" 1 billion times.

While I'd normally use this as an opportunity to scream that it's not too late for the show to give Bri her own Bachelorette season, I'm pretty sure she has a boyfriend now, so anyways IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO GIVE BRI HER OWN SEASON, ABC!!

Not them lining up the guys from tallest to shortest

Let's all remember that Nayte is like 6'7", so Brandon isn't actually a short king, okay and actually they should swap Rodney and Brandon and wow this is a stupid thing to be talking about.

As expected (based on who she said she was falling in love with), Michelle gives roses to Brandon, Nayte and Joe, sadly sending home sweet Rodney. He departs like any sweet Mayor of the Friend Zone does, by kissing her hand:

And that's it! Honestly, this was probably the best final four and now, three, we've seen in a while. All such high quality guys who seem to genuinely care for Michelle. We'll see what happens in these last few episodes, but I'm still thinking she's going to pick Brandon.

See you next week when some of the trash we threw out returns for the Men Tell All! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Nayte making this face at Chris that I think is safe to say is the face 110% of people make at Chris at all times:

We'll get into all of this stupidity soon (I know you were worried). We're in Michelle's hometown of Minneapolis this week, so let's jump in! 

A Minnesota date with Minnesota Joe

Prior ghost Joe gets this week's first solo date that begins the way that most first dates do, by throwing out a pitch at a Minnesota Twins game:

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Very casual, honestly if you don't do this with all of your Tinder dates, you're lazy.

They then visit Michelle's high school where she takes Joe on a stroll down memory lane, showing him where her old locker was and photos and trophies from when she played basketball along with some yearbooks:

If someone asked me to show them where my high school locker was, I'd have to track down the Honda Prelude I drove back then and open the trunk because yes bb that's where those Physics and Calculus textbooks resided 24/7.

They wrap up the 17 Again portion of the date with a game of one-on-one in Michelle's old gym before sitting down for serious talk in the bleachers. 

Michelle tells Joe that he reminds her of her dad and brother because of how reserved he is. He tells her that he's always been like this, probably because his dad was even more reserved than him, but he's working on opening up more and being with her on this "journey" has helped.

Later at dinner, Joe opens up even more, telling Michelle about the mental struggles he faced after his basketball career came to an end in college due to injuries. 

He knew he wasn't in a good place and needed to focus on what could make him happy outside of basketball, which is why he ended up moving back to Minnesota. 

Even though it's clear it makes him uncomfortable to share all of this Michelle, Joe tells her that he's trying and wants to open up because she's worth it.

And to that I say, you know what's worth it, whatever that fried piece of chicken? fish? is on his plate next to what appears to be a steak. A LIL SURF N' TURF, HUH. I admire how everyone on this show is able to naturally ignore plates of food 6 inches away from their face. Like if there's a burrito within a 2 mile radius of me, I am staring at it.

Anyway, Joe of course gets a rose and unless he somehow ghosts her on TV, he is FOR SURE in Michelle's top 3. 

I guess we're just promoting all Minnesota sports teams

This week's group date takes place at the Minnesota Vikings' stadium, but instead of being joined by Vikings players, the group is joined by Vikings actors (this is a real "what you ordered vs. what you got" moment):

The guys change into Vikings outfits that 90% of them look not so bad in, while the other 10% of them are named Chris:

I could not stop laughing. While I know this is supposed to be a centaur costume, the way he was trotting around made him look like a donkey, which actually makes more sense since he really is half man, half jackass.

Anyway, the guys compete against each other while doing a bunch of things like throwing logs and arm wrestling and eating disgusting food — all things that are necessary in a future husband apparently. In the end, Pinky is named "ultimate viking":

This is literally the most we've heard from Clayton in 5 weeks and I mean that literally. He "viking" screams several times at levels I've personally only heard while I am singing Adele (SOMEONE LIKE YOUUUUUUUU).

Later during the date's cocktail party, Michelle thanks all of these milk duds for stepping up and GASP not ignoring her, the Bachelorette, this week. The bar, it is so low, it is below ground.

During her time with Brandon, Michelle surprises him with some more nordic fish because he seemed to enjoy it so much during the viking challenge:

Y'all, he really bit the entire head off this dried fish, like Bear Grylls went for it.

Okay but this time, the "nordic fish" is actually Swedish Fish candy, which tbh is just as disgusting.

I SAID WHAT I SAID, SWEDISH FISH IS A STUPID CANDY THAT HAS NO FLAVOR AND THE ONLY PUROSE IT SERVES IS TO GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.

Swedish Fish aside, I find Brandon adorable. He tells her that he doesn't know if they'll end up together because he knows she has to follow her heart, but he's truly investing in their relationship. 

Michelle also has a really nice conversation with Clayton and actually all of the guys make the most of their time with her, except for one miniature horse:

Chris is too busy making out with his drink to talk to Michelle, who he thinks should be the one seeking him out (love a man gaslighting himself into believing this is his season of The Bachelor). He spends the entire night sulking around like his daddy just told him he can't get another Porsche and thinks that sharing that news about Nayte last week is the equivalent of gifting Michelle a house, so she owes him attention and gratitude. When really, what he is owed is us grabbing him (probably with just one hand) and flinging him directly into the sun.

Anyway, we'll come back and squash this Chris bug later. Ultimate viking champ Clayton gets the group date rose.

Lake date with Nayte

The man Chris wishes he could be, Nayte, gets this week's second one-on-one. Michelle takes him out on Lake Minnetonka because it's where she spent a lot of time growing up and where she dreams of having a house one day.

They're soon joined by two of her best friends who are here to ask the "hard questions," can't you tell:

They ask Nayte such softball questions like "Do the guys in the house like you" and "Did you expect to fall this quickly for someone." It just reminded me that my best friends would not be coming in that ill prepared, but would be like "YEAH SUP, WE PRINTED OUT YOUR ENTIRE CREDIT HISTORY AND WE'VE INTERVIEWED ALL OF YOUR EXES AND TALKED TO YOUR LAST 3 BOSSES, NOW TELL US WHY YOUR EMAIL PASSWORD IN 2006 HAD THIS GIRL'S NAME IN IT." 

Her friends of course love Nayte because I mean, have you seen Nayte (this is exactly why I do in fact need relationship supervision from friends) and he and Michelle end their lake day by jumping in because you didn't think these producers would miss an opportunity to show Nayte shirtless, right.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Michelle asks Nayte what he needs in a relationship and he tells her open dialogue, good communication, someone to call him out on his BS and someone to have fun with. Which okay all standard stuff, this is the equivalent of someone saying they "love to travel" on their dating profile.

Michelle then shares more about her past, specifically, a toxic 3-year relationship that caused her so much stress and anxiety, she became physically ill and couldn't keep food down. The guy eventually left her when she was at her sickest and she moved back in with her parents and really struggled for a time, which aint it the move of a trash ass man to make you get sick, then leave you because you're sick. FLING HIM, INTO THE SUN.

Anyway, Michelle and Nayte are really connecting and she tells him today has been one of her favorite days ever, that is until.....

A wild Frodo emerges from the shadows at an unfortunate angle that proves he's about the same height as Nayte...when Nayte is sitting down. Chris has become so frustrated that no one is paying any attention to his temper tantrum, that he's decided to bring it front and center. And I gotta tell ya, this is not the face of a woman who is thrilled to see him:

Nayte calls him "weird," which is factual, before Michelle agrees to talk with him for a few minutes because I think she knows if she doesn't, he will start rolling around on the floor. This is then the face she has to endure:

This man is somehow the personification of Monday — like here I am again, to ruin your life.

Long story short (hehe), Chris is upset that Michelle didn't worship him for telling her about the non dramatic thing Nayte said. He also can't believe she had the audacity to do what she wanted (keep Nayte around) instead of what he wanted (for her to lift him up so he could dunk). Michelle tells him that she didn't like him speaking for her at last week's cocktail party and she needs a man who can support her when she speaks, not speak for her. 

She then wraps things up by telling him that they're clearly not on the same page and asks if he's heard this song called BYE BYE BYE because his ass is going home (she might not have said that, we'll never know). 

With that short king out of our lives, Michelle returns to Nayte and gives him a rose.

I imagine Nayte will also be in Michelle's top 3.

Wait when did we get down to 10 guys

Michelle opens this week's Rose Ceremony cocktail party by sharing the news that she sent Crisco home and y'all, look how happy she is to say it because that man really gave her the ick:

She then spends time with the 10 guys who are left (weren't there like 85 men here last week), including surprising Brandon with a birthday cake:

By now you should know why I'm including this moment — LOOK HOW TASTY THAT CAKE LOOKS. THAT PERFECT FROSTING. THOSE BERRIES. I bet it's (sorry to say it) SO MOIST.

Michelle's having a pretty great time, which is a huge change from the hot mess every other cocktail party has been. Sensing things are just going too well for Michelle, Lance Ass swoops in to remind her that men with hair like this, should never be loved:

During his time with Michelle, Martin tells her that she isn't high maintenance, which is good because "all girls in Miami are," which is hilarious to hear coming from a man who probably spends more on his hair in a week than most women do in a year. Michelle then asks him what he means by "high maintenance" and he bumbles saying it's when women "expect" the man to do everything and that men don't normally go into relationships with that thinking. And this is Michelle's face while he delivers his dissertation on women:

Martin then feels totally fine and secure about what he said to Michelle as is evident in him running to anyone who will listen to say "I feel totally fine about what I said to Michelle, totally fine, I'm breezy, what I said was totally okay, and if it wasn't, Michelle misunderstood." And the way the other guys don't encourage him or say "Sure man!" while he's flopping is hilarious, they're just letting him Captain D's flounder out here.

Anywho, heading into the Rose Ceremony, 3 guys have roses (Joe, Clayton and Nayte) and there's 5 roses to give out among the remaining 7 roseless dudes (where was this word problem on the SAT). 

In the end, Michelle KEEPS DUMBASS MARTIN AROUND and sends home Leroy and Dax Shepard lookalike Casey. My guess is the producers told her she's contractually obligated to maintain one problematic man until at least the top 6, so congrats to Martin for becoming the reigning stupidest man of the season.

But we're down to 8 guys! See you all next week as we give thanks that we're finally getting close to the finale. Til then, find me eating entire pecan pies in preparation for the holiday and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by this absolutely glorious charcoochie board:

Who is SHE tho. The way the light is hitting that meat and cheese, pure art.

It's week 4! Which means nothing other than it's after week 3 and before week 5 and I still do not have the brain capacity 4 remembering who most of these men are. Let's jump in!

"I'm still deciding if Martin makes my heart race"

While Jamie has been sent home (thank G), his best pal Martin is still here and what better way for Michelle to test if their "love is on the right track" than with a one-on-one date at a BMW race track.  

We don't know much else about Martin, except that he looks he's from a 2000s pop punk band and probably doesn't have a bedframe. While he and Michelle are drifting around the track, he says there's a "sexy car, sexy lady and a whole lot of sexy going on right now," so we at least learn that he is extremely poetic.

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During hot tub time in what appears to be a giant trash can, Martin asks Michelle how she's feeling post-Jamie drama and she tells him she's glad to be past it, but asks how he's feeling since they were such good friends. 

Martin then reveals the "I heart Jamie" tattoo on his chest, saying that he still thinks Jamie is an amazing man, which low key questions Michelle's judgement in sending him home and also proves those shaved parts on his head clearly go down to the brain. We can tell Michelle is a little uneasy about his praise of Jamie based on how loud this super dramatic background music gets and also because of this face she makes for the rest of the conversation: 

Like, "really, this is the hill you're going to die on?" To accompany the loud dramatic music, the producers also give us these lingering zoomed in shots of Martin's hands and it's like okay is one of the camera people trying to be a serious cinematographer or something because there's no room for that here, this is The Bachelorette.

Later at dinner, Michelle is like um hey yeah that was weird earlier when you were praying at an altar to Jamie. 

Martin responds by being like "Ah yes" and then somehow justifying that because he doesn't know how to communicate because his parents were terrible at it. He says he doesn't know how to talk about his emotions and doesn't cry because it was never okay to do in his house. Which yes, that's terrible, but first off, what does that have to do with thinking Jamie is from The Good Place when he's clearly from The Bad Place? And secondly, WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE THESE GIANT PILES OF FOOD:

Looks like salmon on the left and some sort of gargantuan pasta dish, I AM VERY INTERESTED. HERE IS MY ROSE.

Which speaking of, I guess Martin's explanation is good enough for Michelle because he gets a rose.

A reminder that these stupid men are still stupid men

Ahead of the group date, the 12 guys receive gifts from Michelle that are various types of pajamas, or for Brandon, just grey sweatpants ;)

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The date ends up being a giant "slumber party," complete with pizza, candy, a spa area and teddy bear making, a combination that makes the men immediately act like they're 15 years old. 

Honestly, this episode's food content is top tier. THAT BOWL OF DORITOS. IN THE WORDS OF BRITNEY, GIMME GIMME MORE.

Anyway, the guys start acting like they're at a slumber party with each other and not Michelle, which as you can imagine, hurts her feelings because the point of this show is for the guys to prove they want to be in a relationship with her, the Bachelorette, Michelle, who is the Bachelorette, the focal point of this show called The Bachelorette.

She doesn't say anything to their faces, which is big of her because I sure as hell would be cutting all of these men off from the snacks table. Instead, things move along into this week's random group date activity featuring the Bella twins.

The guys learn they'll be participating in the "Ultimate Teddy Bear Take Down," which means we get to watch grown ass men aggressively hit each other with teddy bears. I don't understand what part about this proves how good of a husband a guy will be, unless married people often encounter people who want to fight them, but only with stuffed animals.

After they all compete, these ding dongs CONTINUE to pay about as much attention to Michelle as they do to Apple's terms and conditions and it's ridiculous. She grows more upset because she's feeling very "unseen," which sucks since she literally just told these idiots during the poetry date last week that she had to deal with that all the time growing up.

Later, she begins the date's cocktail party by telling them that it feels like she's putting in a lot of effort to find small moments with the guys and they aren't reciprocating.

When she says this, it's like all of the guys return to their bodies because I guess they've been floating in some parallel locker room universe. They then lineup to apologize and tell her they now "see" her.

The most meaningful conversation happens with Olu, who tears up when Michelle expresses how hurt she is. When he chats with Michelle, he tells her how much he felt her pain because it reminded him of his sister and how he reassures her and tells her that she is seen and deserves love.

He gets the group date rose and we must protect this man at all costs. 

"Rick, my little lettuce wrap"

Intense eyes Rick gets this week's second solo date and I've realized that while something about him does creep me out, it creeps me out in a good-Jake Gyllenhaal-type way. Everyone needs a little creepy in their life.

For their date, Michelle says that it's been super hot in the desert and the "best way" for them to cool off is to find higher altitude and like, I don't want to question Michelle, but I'm pretty sure the best way to cool off is to sit inside with AC. But instead of that, they take a cable car to the top of some mountain and hike around before "happening" to come across this little box:

It's some sort of "wish" box where people can leave their wishes, but before they do, they have to read every wish that's already in the box. So Michelle and Rick read through these wishes that other people and definitely not producers have left behind and they're mostly love or family focused. 

They then sit atop a GIGANTIC downed tree that honestly both of them must've had to run and jump onto. Rick tells Michelle that it's easy to be around her and open about his feelings and they share a nice kiss:

Well, creepily nice because HIS EYES ARE OPEN. Rick, he's always watching you.

Later during the evening portion of the date, he does this cute ass shit:

He also opens up about his parents, sharing that when he was 17, he saw a text on his dad's phone from another woman. The next day, he told his mom and a few days later she told him they were moving out and his parents eventually divorced because of his dad's cheating. He adds that his dad was very depressed during the last 10 years of his life and took his own life 3 years ago and reading those wishes reminded him of his dad, but being with Michelle helped him get through the day.

Rick might be the most emotionally intelligent man of the bunch as he goes on to tell Michelle that he knows he'll be falling in love with her and he's looking forward to telling her when it happens. HE'S LOOKING FORWARD TO TELLING HER HE LOVES HER. EXCUSE ME, DO I LOVE HIM NOW???

He obviously gets a rose and they wrap up the evening by dancing to A SINGER WE ACTUALLY KNOW:

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Andy Grammar! Wow, the snacks and music budget for Michelle's season is exponentially higher than Katie's, I love it. 

But wait, so Michelle had a really nice, drama free date? That just won't do. Please bring in the giant wooden spoon who will be stirring the pot before tonight's Rose Ceremony....

"The S in Chris stands for snake"

Short king Chris realizes that since he's not at the required height to be on this show, the camera probably hasn't been picking up on him. So to get some attention, he delivers this speech at the beginning of the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, saying that there's "some guys" in the house who think they "have it in the bag" and they don't deserve Michelle. 

He then talks with Michelle and immediately tattles, saying that when Martin's date card was delivered, Nayte made a comment about how for him, it wasn't about "if" he'd get a date card, it was about "when." This is alarming for Michelle for two reasons: 1) Who knew Chris was even still around and 2) Natye is def one of her favorites. So she chats with him next.

She gets right to business, telling Nayte that she isn't a "prize" and this isn't about "winning" and no one has anything in the bag. He does fumble his words a little in response (and doesn't deny what Chris said he said), but says he can't control what other people say or think about him.

He leaves and immediately pulls Chris away to talk.

Chris steps away from his quest to find one ring to rule them all and tells Nayte that he only talked about him because Michelle "probed" him (note: she did not). This exchange then happens:

Chris: So anyway, Michelle forced me to talk about you. But whatever, worry about yourself.
Nayte: I am??? You're the one talking about me??
Chris: Yes correct, but your name only happened to come out of my mouth because I planned to talk to Michelle about you, but only because of that chance reason

Nayte walks away and calls Chris a "dweeb," which is pretty hilarious name calling.

So gee, I wonder what will happen at the Rose Ceremony!

They both get roses because by law, Chris has to get his two-episode villain arc before he can be sent home. Also lol'ing at the height difference here. Can't wait for Chris' babysitter to come pick him up, both in a car and also pick up like a baby.

Will (who had the drama with Little Caesars Peter) and the other Chris are sent home along with HOT MATHEMATICIAN/HALLMARK MOVIE GUY, ROMEO:

I feel like we barely got to know him, but don't worry, I'll be signing up for some one-on-one tutoring.

And that's it! Next week, the show is headed to Michelle's hometown in Minneapolis, so see you for that! Til then, find me creeping around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).