Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by THE RETURN OF THE SINGULAR BENCH THIS FRANCHISE HAS AND FORCES INTO EVERY SEASON:

It's week 6! Aka the week we could've wrapped up this dumpster fire season instead of being forced to watch an additional episode next week. Yay!

Who Caelynn chooses

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Last week ended with Dean asking Caelynn to leave with him because he's serious about their relationship as is evident by the shaving of his mustache. Caelynn can't decide between Dean (who lives in a van, has no job and will probably cheat on her at some point) and Connor (who has vocal fry yes, but is also mature and ready to marry and take Caelynn's name). Ultimately, because this show is built on bad decisions, she obviously chooses Dean and has to be like "Oop, sorry Connor, leaving with this homeless man."

Her hand is literally trying to prevent her mouth from voicing her horrendous decision. Dean and Caelynn leave and makeout in the car, which is actually a pretty good preview for their life together. In a vehicle.

Dean notes living in a van is the best because "you're driving in your bedroom," which is perhaps the worst example of efficiency I've ever heard.

Connor then cries because he was sure this woman he just spent 7 days with was his future wife. Luckily a new lady arrives to distract his weeping...

Why you might not remember Revian

I mean aside from the fact that she was only on Colton's season for approx 15 seconds before being sent home, she also had blonde hair. While I appreciate the producers' groundbreaking move to have TWO Asians in Paradise, it's also pretty offensive that one of them isn't me.

Anyway, Revian uses her date card on Connor because he is quite literally the only solo cup left and they head out on a date that includes riding on segways before eating mango because these dates are created by spinning some sort of roulette wheel twice to pair random activities.

I guess there are worse activities than having a man feed you mango while you're wearing a helmet. Connor spends 99% of the time thinking and talking about Caelynn before wrapping up the date by kissing Revian because nothing makes sense here on Confusing Planet.

All oiled up and nowhere to go
The segways and mango just do not set Connor's heart ablaze, so he proceeds to spray himself with Pam before whining about how he wishes Whitney (from Nick Viall's season) was here.

He and Whitney had a "connection" at Chris and Krystal's wedding and by "connection" he means he vocal fried her for 3 minutes. He thinks if he stares at the stairs leading into the beach long enough while saying her name repeatedly, she'll appear like Beetlejuice. When she doesn't immediately appear, Connor decides to leave.

But then of course, Whitney and her great brows arrive:

And she's like "WHURR CONNOR" and everyone tells her that he left after she didn't materialize in front of him. And with that, her and her brows depart:

She heads to his hotel to find him, saying "I hope he's shirtless when I see him" which is not at all foreshadowing for this:

Connor pretends to be surprised as if the producers didn't just knock on his door to scream at him to remove his shirt and they both talk about how happy they are to finally be together again following what I'm sure was a meaningful conversation at the wedding.

Their epic love story ends with Connor touching a woman's knee for the first time ever:

The most embarrassed I have ever been for anyone ever
At the last Rose Ceremony, Luke (aka Lil' Luke aka Poor Man's Nick Viall) decides to shoot his shot and offers his rose to Bri, who responds as such:

Bri is like "ummm who are you and also no thanks," meaning for the first time EVER, a rose is declined. To solidify this moment in history as if we didn't just witness it happen, Chris Harrison's useless ass comes out to say "Wow, this has never happened before, does......anyone wants Luke's rose?"

Anyone's response:

Meanwhile, Luke is standing there holding his flaccid rose looking like a chump.

I've always found him a bit condescending and terrible. And I'm positive he only wears Brooks Brothers, is a "Well, actually" guy who wants to correct anything anyone says and refuses to eat Chinese food in the mall food court because it isn't "authentic."

As he's leaving, he nixes any pity you may have for him by saying he "wanted" to go home anyway but thought he would see if Bri would give him a chance. SURE, JAN.

But wait, Bri is on a roll
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Matt is super torn between Sydney, who he has a strong and deep connection with, and Bri, who he thinks is hot. Like he is just tripping over his boner at the idea he could leave Paradise with a supermodel. And I know he may look like a simple, country white guy but that's only because he is. He ends up following the smoke of his burning loins to Bri, giving her his rose. Sydney goes home, but not before (accurately) predicting that Bri would end up dumping Matt's ass. Also this is the face I make for 50% of the day (the other 50% is spent eating, so):

Matt's conversations with Bri consist of him drooling while calling her a "supermodel" until finally she's like, um sorry Old McDonald, you made the wrong choice and I don't see a future here because I don't think you even know my name, byeeeeee. And they both leave.

I AM IRATE
Chris Harrison paints this final Rose Ceremony as some sort of Armageddon event where people will die if they don't move toward engagement. When like, if you like someone but aren't ready to get engaged, you could just agree to leave together and continue dating in the GASP real world. A wild concept.

All of that is moot because the main point here is: BOTH ASIAN GIRLS GET SENT HOME ON THE SAME NIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. Sydney and Revian. Our founding mother, Lucy Liu, DID NOT break her back carrying the Charlie's Angels franchise for such disrespect. I will never forget this and vow to only watch every episode of every season of this show from now on.

When you finally realize this ain't Stagecoach

As the great poet Justin Timberlake once said: What goes around, comes around. And that "what" finally hits Thumb Head this week.

Because he assumes everyone is obsessed with him, Blake continues to think Kristina actually likes him despite this being her face every time they interact:

He surprises her with some fondue and she in turn surprises him by dumping his Big Toe looking head. He cries and launches into his WOE IS ME spiel while she stares longingly at this plate of fondue wondering if it'd be in bad form to still eat it:

Here's a better shot of the fondue plate because it's important:

They both leave and we all cheer for Kristina finally tossing out this moldy relationship.

A better love story than Twilight

This week, JPJ surprises Tayshia with her own Paradise Prom because she wasn't asked to her own prom WHICH I FIND PRETTY HARD TO BELIEVE. Like I bet they renamed prom at Tayshia's school after her. Anyway, this is pretty adorable and JPJ wears a suit even though the humidity is clearly at 100000%.

Later, Tayshia surprises JPJ with an art session where she decides she's going to sketch him like he's Kate Winslet in Titanic. As a note, under that blanket he's wearing a jean Speedo:

Things seem to be progressing sweetly for them and JPJ finally tells Tayshia that he loves her. And based on this reaction I'm mostly including for the close-up of Tayshia's brows, I knew things were about to get dramatic:

She tells him that she still cannot locate her ticket to There Town, so she won't get there with him. He holds a tsunami wave of tears back and thanks her for some of the most magical moments of his life before getting up to leave.

Tayshia chases after JPJ because she needs to ensure he sees her super cute outfit and also to apologize for how this is ending for them.

He responds like any guy whose just been dumped does (lol jk) — by picking up her and cradling her like a baby while saying she doesn't have to apologize:

And while I still hate this show, I felt the slightest tinge of sadness for the end of this relationship.

Oh that's right, Chris is an idiot
As a reminder, this is Katie:

And this is Chris:

After confirming to Katie that he's 100% in, Chris starts to have his doubts. And honestly I've had my doubts too — mainly I doubt Katie would date Chris' old boring ass had they just met in real life and not on this science experiment of a show.

Right, so Chris, who has been on 80 seasons of this show, is a 4 who is currently dating a 10, and who is desperate to get married, is feeling like maybe something is missing with him and Katie. He finally shares this with Katie and I don't remember most of the convo because it looks like he has pink eye in both eyes:

After he blabbers on, Katie's like I get it you have baggage but I'll pay that excess baggage fee, so whatevs. And that's good enough for Chris and they're back on track.

The only couple that will actually stay together
Demi and Kristian, who are the only ones who met under normal circumstances outside of the show, have a bit of a a rough patch this week stemming from the fact that Demi doesn't like PDA and Kristian does. This is a NORMAL disagreement for a couple to have as opposed to the other overly dramatic arguments these other coconuts are having.

After initially having a passive aggressive conversation where they don't look at each other, Demi talks through her insecurities about having a girlfriend for the first time and Kristian listens and they reaffirm they are the only adults on this beach having an adult relationship. They agree they have some things to work through, but they're both committed to it.

Awake after their 6-week nap!
The producers entice Dylan and Hannah to stay awake for an hour by offering them a date card. And their date is to attend a child's birthday party? A child they do not know. Y'all, this show does some bizarre shit, but this almost tops the list.

I don't want to make generalizations, except wait my nametag says General Manager so here we go: Hannah is DEF one of those white girls who took one year of Spanish and now pronounces "tamales" like she actually knows Spanish.

After crashing a child's birthday party, they work to make everyone feel comfortable by making out in front of them:

Talking about them is putting me to sleep because like this kiss, they are so dry and dull. I'm sure they'll get engaged. And I guess two plain pieces of toast finding each other to make a dry ass sandwich is a good thing.

An update on Clay and Nicole

They hold hands over a plate of beef.

Nicole also tries to get Clay to admit he maybe sorta kinda might possibly be falling in love with her. He is definitely not going to propose.

What is this

Can someone let me know why there's a giant hole on the beach surrounded by velvet ropes like this is some sort of VIP hole. I'm including Blake in the frame for size reference, since he's the biggest (ass)hole on the beach otherwise. Also, every time this giant hole was onscreen (which was oddly pretty often), I kept picturing Leslie Knope falling into that pit in season 1 of Parks & Rec:

And that's it! We're almost at the finish line of this sludge and poo marathon! See you all next week for the finale where honestly none of these people should get engaged but at least one couple will (Dylan & Hannah). Til then, find me Googling "how old is too old to join a k-pop group" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by the many faces of Demi reacting to the stench of idiocy wafting all around her.

It's week 5! Meaning we've only got 4 more hours of this! We could watch Beyonce's Homecoming film on Netflix four times instead, but here we are making bad decisions! Yay!

The non-existent love triangle
After Angela's arrival, Nicole spends the week staring at her and obsessing over Angela's non-existent plan to Winona Ryder steal Clay away. Nicole marathon shit talks her from afar and honestly I don't blame her because I don't think I'd ever want to actually stand next to Angela. It'd be like holding a $5 Forever 21 basic T next to a Gucci gown and I'm not even putting myself down, just presenting facts. As a reminder once again THIS IS ANGELA:

Also, Nicole's way of "insulting" Angela is to mockingly point out how she has no body fat and has amazing hair (reference photo above). She is one compliment away from asking out Angela herself. That doesn't happen, but she does finally talk to her:

Nicole is quick to tell Angela that she and Clay are "boyfriend girlfriend" as if this is middle school and she just wrote Clay's name on her hand cementing their relationship status. Angela is like cool story bro, I'm here to get new d...udes. This conversation ends with Angela sauntering off and Nicole returning to screaming I'M TOTALLY SECURE IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH CLAY by forcing him to do push-ups with her on top of him:

Meanwhile, we learn that Clay didn't introduce Nicole as his girlfriend at the wedding last week, which is the highest of crimes in this high school nightmare of a show. Clay says he didn't because "well, everyone knows we're together." HA. What a ding dong. I want to take this opportunity to recant my previous obsession with him — it was mostly based on his bod. I now find his whiny, monotone, emotionless-Kristen-Stewart voice annoying.

Our very own relationship healer Tayshia offers the insight of "Clay thinks he's available, but he is not," which is only proven by Clay's incessant talking about Angela. This would be like if I spent my whole day proving I don't like Shawn Mendes by butting into every conversation to say "HEY, I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH SHAWN MENDES OKAY I JUST LOVE HIS FACE AND VOICE AND BOD AND WOULD SELL MANY ORGANS TO MARRY HIM AND HERE'S THIS WEIRD SHRINE IN THE BACK OF MY CLOSET AND I FOUND HIS HOUSE ON GOOGLE MAPS BUT I DON'T CARE ABOUT HIM." People would rightfully get the impression that I like Shawn Mendes. To summarize, Clay spends most of the week complaining about how he can't watch Angela date the other dudes while also claiming he really likes Nicole, but while actively staring at Angela. It's all as stupid as it sounds because, I cannot emphasize this enough, ALL OF THESE RELATIONSHIPS ARE MOOT.

What Angela is actually focused on
Doing the Lord's work, Angela uses her date card on Mike meaning we have a new Best Brows Couple in town:

Except this connection is short lived. They have dinner before going on a boat that appears to be in a fountain at a strip mall. At one point it starts "raining" (read: stage production) and they appear to act out a scene of The Notebook:

Angela and Mike's relationship is shorter than the list of Academy Awards the Twilight movies have won, as she ends the week completely invested in Chase (another new arrival this week). This also means that Mike ends up going home this week because none of these woman have taste.

Speaking of tasteless, some fast facts on Chase: He's from JoJo's season, has ceiling eyes, is boring, has definitely DM'd SEVERAL of his Instagram followers for hook-ups, and might not know how to spell orange. I'm going to assume Angela is hanging out with him just to have fun for the last two weeks of this horrendous show.

Back to Clay and Angela because this horse ain't dead yet
After longingly staring at her for days while saying he's over her, Clay decides he and Angela need to chat. She REALLY doesn't want to, but does anyway and for reference, here's her face during most of their conversation where you can literally hear her saying "HOOOOOOOOKAY":

We learn that Clay ended their 8-month relationship for a very serious and specific reason: Angela wouldn't go to the gym with him. GASP. Also, it's a priority for Angela to become a wife and mother, and Clay says he "wants more" WHICH WOW. You mean this super hot and intelligent independent woman actually wanted to marry your dumped-by-the-NFL-now-unemployed ass and YOU want MORE? I HATE THIS SHOW GIVING THESE WACKASS DUDES CONFIDENCE.

When you get dumped for the second time in two weeks

After more petty arguing between Derek and JPJ, Tayshia finally admits to Derek that she "won't get there" with him and y'all I don't know where this elusive "there" is that everyone refers to. Here's a summary of their breakup:

Tayshia: I will never get to the unknown destination of There Town
Derek: I can drive us
Tayshia: I don't know what I want
Derek: So maybe you want me then?
Tayshia: Oh honey no, I don't know what I want but I know I don't want you
Derek: :/

It's actually pretty sad because Derek seems like a genuinely nice guy (despite the unfounded things JPJ keeps yelling at him). And I'm not just saying that because I think we should date since he looks like John Krasinski and I look exactly like Emily Blunt (don't look it up, just trust me). I am positive he'll be back for another season of BIP.

Having whittled down her fan club, Tayshia then dedicates the rest of the week to building her relationship with JPJ, who is Lifetime movie levels obsessed with her.

We apparently needed more white guys

Two of the most Caucasian men in the history of Caucasity join the cast this week: Luke and Matt. Luke is from Hannah's season and most remembered for being the ugly version of Nick Viall and for being body slammed by Roid Rage Luke. Matt is also from Hannah's season, but was sent home on the first night.

They get a date card for a double date and Luke asks Kristina while Matt asks Sydney. The only items of note from this double date: 1) Luke sweats A LOT. Like who knew such a tiny body could produce so much sweat. 2) Matt, whose first language is sign language because both of his parents are deaf, teaches Sydney some phrases including "Kiss me." Sydney proceeds to sign this repeatedly while staring at him, hoping he'll get the hint.

This girl's hands are getting callused from signing it so much until he finally admits he doesn't kiss on the first date (he eventually kisses her later ahead of the Rose Ceremony). Which okay, that's nice, except here's Matt the next day on a first date with Bri (the last new arrival for the week):

To clarify, that is kissing. On the first date.

Tangentially related, Bri was on Colton's season and faked an Australian accent for the first night before making it through quite a few weeks of the show without interacting with him at all and just showing up to Rose Ceremonies in the best gowns with the best hoops. Legendary.

This vanilla pudding is still very vanilla
Hannah and Dylan are still enjoying their extended stay in Nap City:

Though at one point, they do move their napping to one of the dirty day beds where the producers who just learned about editing in Final Cut Pro have decided to blur out her ass. What is the point of this? It just makes her look like she's wearing a blurry diaper.

During this period of time that both of these sloths manage to stay awake, Hannah tells Dylan that when she moves to LA they can go on walks AND WOW, THIS DEEP MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION IS JUST EXHILARATING.

Oh that's right, Katie and Chris are still here

And going strong! Chris officially asks Katie to be his girlfriend because the relationships on this show are required to follow high school rules and she of course says yes.

When no one wants your scrubby ass

Emo Blake is on week three of being deep in his feelings while looking like Squidward and listening to sad Drake songs. He whines that all he wants is someone who's gorgeous, funny, smart and sexy, so why are none of the ladies flocking to his weirdly mushy body complemented by his shitty personality?? Thumb Head realizes Kristina is the only clown who will give him a rose, I mean, possibly give him a chance, so he decides he's "all in" with her.

He tells her he's been thinking "a lot" (read: for the past 3 desperate minutes) about them and how they owe it to themselves to give it a real go. She's skeptical, but only because he has a history of lying and being selfish and also having a thumb head, but agrees to give their situation a chance. I predict if he doesn't play her before this season ends, he surely will by Stagecoach next year.

"Do you think Connor likes Caelynn?"

Yes, I think it's safe to say he does. Connor and Caelynn have now spent a week together so they're nearing the engagement level of their relationship. With things going so well with Connor, who seems to be a nice, stable guy, this seems like the perfect time for....

Hey guys, here to fuck shit up

Dean returns sans mustache looking like a guy who doesn't believe in "brands" but owns 100 Urban Outfitters shirts and 15 pairs of Birkenstocks and pretends to read Bukowski while thinking you aren't "cultured" enough. His Dashboard Confessional lookin ass walks right over to Caelynn to pull her away to chat.

He tells her he's always been very guarded but hasn't stopped thinking about her since leaving to return to his van in San Diego. He recently rented a car (which is weird bc he has a van) to drive to the Grand Canyon, where he realized he wished Caelynn was there with him. She emphasizes that she's building something with Connor and feels safe with him to which Dean is like "Who wants safe?" which is laughable because Dean clearly thinks he's some sort of bad boy just because he lives in a van and has tight pants.

The episode ends with Dean asking Caelynn to leave with him and Caelynn reacting by seeing if she can wear her knees as glasses:

And that's it! We're nearing the finish line, so I can feel my brain cells preparing to replenish! See you next week for the final two episodes. Til then, find me depressed over the fact that sloths sometimes grab their own arms instead of tree branches and fall to their death (sorry for sharing that but thanks for joining me in being sad) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).