Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia's travel-sized hair straightener because her arrival has finally straightened out this entire debacle of a season.

It's our first full Tayshia episode (minus a tiny reappearance of Clare and Dale because this show hates me, yes specifically me, they are targeting me) so let's go!

Front loading the Ivan content

Because I've got something he can front load (HAHA I'M NOT EVEN SORRY). While the guys are waiting inside to meet their new Bachelorette, Ivan says he's "ready to fall in love and find something real, but has no idea who it could possibly be with." And since my lawyer has advised me that Ivan and I literally cannot be together because of the pesky restraining order he took out on me, I guess Ivan can be with Tayshia instead.

After Tayshia introduces herself, Ivan hugs her first and pulls her away first to talk. With those two milestones checked, the natural next step is engagement (is what this show has taught me). 

This conversation ensues:

Tayshia: Wow we are both very good looking
Ivan: Yeah you're hot, I'm hot, we are going the same speed — hot
Tayshia: So sup with Clare
Ivan: Never heard of her

After chatting with Ivan, Tayshia continues talking with the rest of the leftovers, which confused me because why would she not just leave the show with Ivan. Isn't that how this show now works.

"Who the hell are these guys"

While our #1 pick Ivan is chatting with Tayshia the remaining guys are picking up their jaws from lost and found after seeing how gorg she is. After that, they begin the ol' Bachelorette mating ritual of waiting in line to speak with her. Everything is going seemingly well and everyone is excited to finally have a Bachelorette with a personality...I mean who is good looking...I mean who has a personality and is good looking, until....

FRESH MEAT!! Is what I yelled and I stand behind it (and in front of it). Four new guys arrive including this guy, Spencer, who might be the most Spencer looking Spencer in the history of Spencers. You cannot convince me he isn't the guy in every Lifetime movie that the woman brings back to her country ass town from the "big city" who turns out to be a dick.

Like a surprise cactus, Spencer immediately rubs the guys the wrong way. And to make matters worse, when Tayshia rejoins the group after welcoming the new guys, Spencer steals her away first to chat, therefore breaking the historically established pecking order of this show. I don't remember much of their conversation, just him telling her he loves the beach, so it's straight to the deep stuff with this guy.

Back to the old leftovers. When Blake and his weird beard finally get to chat with Tayshia, he gives her the ol' eyeball razzle dazzle:

How many bottles of eye drops do you think this man goes through. While not blinking for 10 minutes, he tells Tayshia that she has to give him time to open up, but once he does, he's fun. Ah yes, the top thing that all fun people say.

And we can't forget Zac, who thinks wearing high top sneakers with a suit is a personality. I can actually imagine him trying this on and yelling "SICK" at the mirror.

He brings coins for them to throw into the fountain and unfortunately Tayshia does seem interested in him right off the bat, it's very confusing. Also La Quinta was pissed to have to clean those coins out of the fountain later.

At the end of the night, Tayshia gives the first impression rose to surprise cactus:

How sticky do you think her hands were from touching that much LA Looks hair gel?

In a funny turn of events, this rose didn't even matter because she canceled the Rose Ceremony (since she just arrived). Like a microphone at a Britney concert, this week's rose was just for show.

Please do not pick this man, please please

I don't remember his name (he looks like a Brad), but he's one of the new arrivals and I cannot let my close personal friend Tayshia end up with the bully from a Disney Channel original movie.  

WE DO NOT CLARE

Clare and Dale are back for a check-in even though no one asked for it, like those extra utensils restaurants give you when you order dinner for four but it's just for you. Clare immediately breaks out a bat to really beat that dead horse of a line, "All I've ever wanted was someone to show up" (AGAIN A MAN DID SHOW UP AND PROPOSE TO HER A YEAR AGO, ON THIS SHOW). She then moves onto her second talking point (she only has two) and shows everyone she got 39 tattooed on her chest like Superman (because did you know she is 39).

Clare says she's excited to marry Dale and get to know him because SURE THAT'S THE ORDER OF THINGS. GET MARRIED THEN GET TO KNOW THE PERSON, WHY NOT.

The only worthwhile moment of this entire thing was when Chris Harrison asked "So what's next? A wedding?" And before Dale can check the return policy on the ring, Clare screams "BABIES" and Dale is like what. (Quick shoutout to the weird placement of that plant that appears to be censoring Dale's crotch.)

Anyway, per Clare, the order of things is marriage, then babies, THEN FINALLY you get to know the person you married and had kids with. I'm hoping this was the last segment with Clare, who I think we can come together and agree was the worst Bachelorette in the history of this God-forsaken franchise (a real honor).

I am very interested in these group dates

For the first group date, Tayshia says she's "really excited to see them" and by "them" she means:

That's right, another group date based around seeing the guys' bods. And while I thought this was stupid when Clare did it (because I thought Clare was stupid), I am 10000% in support of Tayshia making the guys showcase the goods. Also Jordan (guy on the far left) is normally in oversized suits so I had no idea he had all of this going on and I am very interested in petting those birds.

After the guys strip down to Speedos (at this point do they just have a pair permanently issued by the show) they play "Splashball," aka basketball in the pool. Eventually Riley and Spencer sort of start pushing each other until finally Riley elbows Spencer in the face.

Even though we don't know Spencer that well yet, an immediate feeling of satisfaction washed over me upon seeing him get elbowed because there's nothing the KMac brain loves more than a douchebro getting smacked.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Jordan decides to put clothes on again and it's like why.

Other than Spencer continuing to be annoying as fuck, nothing particularly exciting happens. Tayshia does spend some quality time with Zac, who might be the least attractive man in the house (OH, YOU'RE THINKING IT TOO).

We learn that he kisses like he's bobbing for apples.

Despite Zac's apple bobbing, Tayshia ends up giving the group date rose to Eazy.

Someone come get this man

During the entirety of this episode, Seth Rogan-lookalike (I think his name is Jason?) is having a major existential crisis. He's still not quite over the 30 minutes he spent with Clare and before the one-on-one date is announced, he is SO worried it's going to be him. Again y'all, the confidence of severely underwhelming white men, simply unmatched. Do you think he also worries every year that he's going to be announced as People's Sexiest Man Alive? He of course doesn't get the one-on-one date because I don't think Tayshia even remembers his name.

He mopes around all day, eventually deciding he needs to go home because he was "so invested" in Clare, like okay JP Morgan calm down y'all yelled at some rocks once and she showed you her old engagement dress, it's not that serious. Anyway, he goes to break the news to Tayshia.

Tayshia asks him a couple times if he's sure because let's be honest, this man will not get another opportunity to date someone like Tayshia. He tells her he's sure before reiterating that the other guys are all good guys and here for the right reasons, which tbh was nice of Seth Rogan to do. And with that, he departs on the Pineapple Express.

Wait, do we love Brendan

Brendan gets the first one-on-one date and if you don't remember him (because he got approx 4.5 seconds of airtime during Clare's episodes), here's a reminder:

For their date, Tayshia and Brendan ride horses around the property while wearing cowboy hats, which I would find INCREDIBLY corny if Clare's canned corn ass was doing it, but Tayshia is popcorn and we're all here for the show.

Not gonna lie, the number one thing I was focusing on was what if the horses pooped? They don't appear to have those bags attached like horses in public areas usually have to catch the poop and I'm really sorry for talking about poop this long but can someone at the La Quinta let me know, thanks.

Because ABC mistakenly thought we asked for more Chris Harrison (when we actually asked for more chips in here, son), he intermittently interrupts their date to provide random things including margaritas, ice cream and coconuts. 

I'm sorry but with this mix of alcohol and dairy while bouncing around on horses, I'm gonna have to re-up the poop talk from earlier.

After riding horses and drinking tequila, milk and coconut milk, they decide to go for a swim because there's nothing you want to do with a bloated tequila milk belly than get in the pool. Brendan wastes no time in telling Tayshia "There's something..umm...that I've wanted to do since night one and um...I didn't get a chance and umm..." WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS?

Obviously. I found his hesitant delivery sort of adorkable and while I just learned his name (like Tayshia) I think I like the awkwardly sweet vibes he gives off. Also (as Tayshia mentions) he has really, really great lips and full lips are a TRUE rarity among white men, so we love to see it.

Later at dinner, Brendan shares that he was married in his 20s to his high school sweetheart, but they fell out of love and got divorced after a few years. He's worried about how Tayshia will take this news, but she's like "omg same" because she was also married in her early 20s (to a really shitty guy). They bond over this and also the fact that they both want a lot of kids. 

At one point, Brendan says he knows he's not the best looking or smartest guy in the house, but he thinks he's well rounded and your honor I object to this adorable insecurity. 

Purely based on the way he stares at Tayshia, you can tell he would be the sweetest husband, completely obsessed and extremely aware of how lucky he is to be leveling up.

Tayshia of course gives him a rose and like a gentleman, he opens his shirt for her to cram her hand down to pin the rose. 

Looking like me reaching deep into a bowl of chips.

When the show saves all of the budget for you

Remember how during the dinner portion of Clare's dates, they just put construction paper and Legos on the plates? With the arrival of Tayshia, we get actual food!

I mean we're talking some sort of protein on top of some sort of carb with some sort of yellow garnish, *CHEF'S KISS*. 

They also saved the entire fireworks budget for her!

Tayshia and Brendan kiss under our first fireworks of the season, meaning in one Tayshia episode, we've gotten: 1) Actual food and 2) Fireworks. We all know what's coming next to complete the trifecta — the hot tub. I'm willing to bet one million doll hairs there is a hot tub in the next episode.

And that's it! Minus that unnecessary blip with Clare, this episode was INFINITELY better. It's like we were sitting back in the last row of coach having peanuts and "beef or chicken" thrown at us and we've now been upgraded to a private first class cabin.

See you next week when I'm thinking Zac and his sneakers will get a one-on-one date and I'll scream! Til then, find me watching Hallmark Channel holiday movies because I'm sure Spencer is the villain in at least one and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

For reasons unknown to me, I watched yet another week of Clare that I wasn't even sure was a new episode because it was again the same recycled content about Clare and Dale. Anyway, let's dive in because our perseverance FINALLY paid off at the end of this week's episode.

"I'm so falling in love with Dale"

We first join Clare this week as she stares off into the distance while probably sketching a mildly pornographic drawing of Dale because she misses him.

She says she's falling in love with Dale and they have an "intangible" chemistry (read: those abs tho) and omg this record is skipping and has been playing the same thing over and over.

Chris Harrison eventually "surprises" her (wtf this is his job and there is literally no one else at this resort, but sure surprises) and it's great to see that he sits down like most of us do by pulling the top of his pants over the stomach fat that gathers.

Chris tells Clare that they can't continue on the same path because her raging lady boner for Dale is blocking almost every camera shot. He also tells her this is making the guys very unhappy. He asks her what the deal is and what she's thinking and she realizes it's been 14 seconds since she pictured Dale, so she closes her eyes to do so:

She tells him that this is all SO hard because on one hand she loves Dale, but on the other she loves attention. But back to Dale, she says she stalked, I mean "looked at" his Instagram before they met on the show and felt connected to him even then. We all know she liked a post from 114 weeks back. This leads to this conversation with Chris:

Clare: So yeah I was obsessed with his IG
Chris: Did you guys talk before meeting on the show and don't bullshit me
Clare: [hands Chris bag of bullshit] Omg no of course not, no no no 100% yes no no
Chris: Wait what
Clare: What

She says she's waited so long (39 years remember, her Social Security is about to kick in) for someone like Dale and she thinks he's her match, which tbh if he's a match he should be careful because her loins are already burning.  

Chris asks her what she wants to do and she says she just wants to spend time with Dale, aka the exact opposite of the premise of this show and what she's already been doing, but anyway Chris is like sure and goes to tell Dale.

Do you think Dale even has to iron his shirts or do you think he can just put on a wrinkly shirt and his muscles smooth it out because I def think it's the latter. 

When you're like, who is this woman

We got several shots of Clare crying into and squeezing her dog this week while it actively tried to escape her clutches. And while he's white, even he thinks her caucasity is too much and does not want to be a part of this narrative. 

The final date (thank God)

So Clare wants one final date with Dale so she can tell him she's in love with him and find out if he like likes her too. Including two very accurate screenshots of them on the date that I AGAIN do not purposely take, they just happen this way.

They sit at a randomly placed table in "the most beautiful spot" she claims to have "found," which I'm sure the staff of the La Quinta you're at would beg to differ. Also this "spot" is just like any tan tiled area in a resort, yes you're picturing it correctly.

They both share a little more about their parents because these two people have not had an actual, non-tongue related conversation this entire time and I don't know, talking seems important? What do I know. This conversation ensues:

Clare: I couldn't give out a rose during the last group date because I was only thinking of you and I'm falling in love with you
Dale: Cool, same
Clare: Thank God, I've been waiting forever for this feeling even though I've had this exact feeling literally two times on this show before

They then make out and we learn their mics must be inside their actual mouths based on the unnecessary and unwanted ASMR aspect of their kissing.

But wait! More people need to see them making out! So they head over to hear Chris and Bri (from that random musical Bachelor season that me and 2 other people watched) perform so they can also watch them make out.

Please note how they are both not making any eye contact with Clare and Dale. Wise.

They then head back to her villa because Clare has been dying to give Dale a Fantasy Suites card since night one (again, I do not blame her for this). The next morning we first get a shot of her dogs as if her having dogs will make us like her more (it doesn't).

While the dogs are relegated to the couch, Dale is waking up to Clare trying to choke him.

This scene was particularly annoying because she was draped over him, therefore blocking our view of his body'ody.

Clare says Dale is the "kind of man you get when you refuse to settle," which I think she forgot a couple of words in there and meant to say: "He's the kind of man you get after choosing to be on 400 different seasons of a dating show, getting engaged then dumping a guy then begging to be the Bachelorette therefore stealing a full season way from Tayshia." Much clearer.

The main takeaway of this date was it was the final test for Dale and had he turned down Clare, her ass MOST CERTAINLY would've settled for one of the other guys. 100000000%.

When you realize you quarantined at a La Quinta for this

You know things are especially stressful when Blake is touching is weird chin beard. 

Now that Dale has finally dropped a note in Clare's locker letting her know he like likes her, she's ready to break up with all of her other boyfriends. Clare, who has led these men on for four weeks despite knowing she only wanted Dale, proceeds to tell them she doesn't want to lead them on. It was cut out, but she def began her breakup speech with "Abraham Lincoln once said, it's okay to mislead a group of guys if you get Dale in the end. And I believe that famous quote." 

Boy Band Manager Guy (the one in the aggressive v-neck shirt on the far right pic above) calls her out and here's how that conversation goes:

Boy Band: I think you owe us an apology....
Clare: I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR FINDING LOVE
Boy Band: No, for leading us on and not telling us you were in love with Dale after night one
Clare: Oh, lol yeah that um I mean I'll apologize for wasting your time and hurting you
Boy Band: Okay, so do it
Clare: Anyway, Dale is great, hope y'all find a Dale! Now can y'all scoot, I'm trying to get engaged

So yes, Clare handles this group breakup with about as much grace as a baby deer playing basketball on a frozen lake, but Ivan wraps up the awkward conversation by thanking her for her courage and her boldness. And y'all know I love bb Ivan, but the only thing "bold" about Clare is her use of it in Microsoft Word.

Quick interjection

Just a completely regular photo collage of Ivan because I've got something he can interject (LOL I'M SORRY OKAY). Also yes, I do enjoy how his cup matches his outfit, a man who can do it all!

The only way to leave this place is to propose

Since Clare and Dale finally know each other's last names and have made out in front of a musical act, the natural progression is to get engaged. Chris Harrison tells Clare this is the next step and Clare is like:

Source

I'm gonna skip to the point here because I very much want to get this over with, so blah blah Dale gets a ring, we get a scene of Clare being worried she's pressuring him into an engagement (FYI she is) and then they both show up in front of this giant pizza oven for the proposal.

Clare tells Dale that she's been obsessed with him since the first day she stalked his Instagram and she's never experienced love (except from the man she was engaged to literally last year). Dale says he loves her and "the best is yet to come" because this def cannot be the best, right. And then:

I was fully expecting Dale to open the ring box and it be empty because Clare was already wearing it after stealing it from his room the night before (during her nightly jaunt to watch him sleep). She obviously says yes, then we get more terrible ASMR kissing and champagne, which is like the flag raising in Super Mario, signaling you've beat the level. Here's an equally lovely screenshot of both of them:

At one point Clare says "we saw this coming," which is the most truthful thing she's said this entire season since they were DEFINITELY talking to each other before the show started.

Also not that this needs to be noted, but going from saying "I love you" for the first time to getting engaged in the span of an hour is beyond ridiculous. The only woman we support in progressing relationships this unnecessarily fast is Britney Spears. 

But now, with this horrendous time with Clare ending, you know what that means.....

IT'S TAYSHIA TIME

But first, Chris Harrison tells the remaining 16 men that they can choose to stay on the show if they want to start this journey again with a new Bachelorette (they aren't told it's Tayshia). 

Source

Jason, aka Seth Rogan voice, is feeling very conflicted because he isn't sure if he's ready to move on from the hour of time he spent with Clare. He eventually decides to stay (as do all of the guys) and they all show up for a cocktail party to meet who should have been the Bachelorette to begin with:

Tayshia tells Chris she's nervous because she knows this is a weird situation and hopes the guys like her, which I spoke to Tayshia's reflection and she told me to tell Tayshia to look at her because the flaws, they do not exist.

I want to note that while Tayshia, who is objectively a 10, is talking about how much she hopes the guys like her, this 2 is like "what if I'm not physically attracted to whoever this new woman is?"

The audacity of overwhelmingly mediocre white men is astounding.

AND WITH THAT, WE MADE IT, YOU GUYS. WE SURVIVED FOUR EPISODES OF CLARE. I am so, so proud of all of you. And even though this week's episode only gave us 5 minutes of Tayshia and the previews seem to show we'll have to revisit Dale and Clare (why), we're on our way to 100% Tayshia Time!

See you all next week for that. Til then, find me stalking Ivan's Instagram (because per Clare, this works) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

Welcome to week 3! Aka three weeks longer than what we wanted for Clare's season! I will never forgive her for taking these precious weeks from Tayshia, so anyway let's get through this.

"The oldest Bachelorette that's ever been"

Last week, we were left with Clare making out with Dale, all of the other guys looking like chumps and Yosef needing to get something off his chest. We start this week off with him finally getting time to confront Clare in his ill fitting suit jacket.

He tells her that she keeps emphasizing they should all be here for her, but she should also be here for them. And in her defense she is here for them — oh wait no she's here for another four-letter word: Dale. He adds that he's spending time here away from his daughter and Clare butts in to say she gets it because her mom is dying and it's like WHY THE HELL ARE EITHER OF YOU HERE?? 

Anyway, Yosef then reads his 10 Things I Hate About You list to Clare, except it does not end with Heath Ledger buying Julia Stiles a guitar. He tells her it was "completely unacceptable" and "classless" to have the guys participate in strip dodgeball because how does that translate into finding a husband. Which, as a linguist, I will tell you that having men strip for you translates very well into measuring husband material. Meanwhile, Clare personifies the :\ emoji for Yosef's entire spiel:

He adds that he is ashamed to be associated with her and she does not set any sort of example for his daughter (but he def does for berating a woman on TV for 15 minutes). And with that, he gets up to leave and they dramatically part ways while Clare is crying and Yosef continues to yell insults including "I expected a lot more from the oldest bachelorette that's ever been." This is EXTREMELY rude, but you have to admit it's a *tiny* bit funny, depicting Clare like some crypt keeper who holds the world record for being single.

Clare, not wanting us to forget her one-hit wonder line from Juan Pablo's season, yells back "I didn't think I would have to utter this again (even though I have been hoping I be presented the opportunity to), but I would never want my children to have a father like you." And he yells that she isn't fit to be the mother of his child and anyway I think we can all agree that no one here should be parenting any children, okay.

As Yosef is stomping away to his Uber Pool (cost cutting, you know), the guys are trying to calm the situation down by standing around and taking turns saying "Yo, bro, bro bro, calm down" and also "Bro, I'm so heated, bro." Shockingly, standing around like parakeets that have only been taught the word "bro" does not help Clare feel any better.

Source

She owns the fact that she's the oldest Bachelorette, but adds that she's single because she "didn't settle for men like that." And again, not to be the annoying fact checker, but isn't she on this show because she has continually TRIED to settle with shitty guys just like that?

Luckily, one of the producers forces Dale to go over and comfort Clare and he does so by seeing if he can pull off her hair like a wig:

She asks if he's just appeasing her (like Yosef said) and he says he's not, but he does want to "please her" and can someone please bring me Ginger Ale because I've been vomiting for hours over this. 

After the dramatics, Clare cancels the rest of the cocktail party and just skips to the Rose Ceremony, which tbh she should just skip all Rose Ceremonies and get to the engagement with Dale because she shares that she's already falling in love with him, so this is all great for these other guys.

We get through another moo point (like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter, it's moo) Rose Ceremony and something I love is the different ways the guys respond to "Will you accept this rose?" Some of them say "always" or "every time" or "of course," which is all incredibly boring. Wouldn't it be more fun to say something like "You knows I accept this rose" (rhyming is my passion).

Who is this man

I know this season is a grab bag of brunette men, but I have never seen this man in the past two episodes. Was he a late arrival or something? He gets a rose this week so he's on camera for 15 seconds, which as a note, also qualifies him to add "Bachelorette Season 16 🌹" to his Instagram bio. 
 

The Dale date that is presented as the "group" date

The date card for this week's first group date is read by Ed, who I finally realized looks like those thumb characters from the Spy Kids movie:

The card's clue for the date is "Today we separate the men from the boys," so I guess it makes sense for Ed to read it since there is literally no line of separation from his head to his shoulders.

While the guys are getting ready for their group date with Clare, she is in her villa writing "Mrs. Dale Moss" all over her Trapper Keeper:

At some point, her "friend" Deanna (from season 4 of The Bachelor) "surprises" her and since we are unsure who Clare likes the most at this point, she spends the entire afternoon telling Deanna how much she loves Dale and knows it's him.

Meanwhile, the guys are sitting around like "I think this is the group date with her favorite guys" and they're not completely wrong, it is the group date with her favorite....guy.

While they're all talking about how excited they are to see Clare and how much they think she's excited to see them, Clare is LITERALLY smelling a pair of Dale's pants that he gifted her (they're the ripped ones from last week):

I mean, we'll never know why she's been single up to this point. 

After making the guys wait all day because she's been huffing Dale's ripped pants, she shows up to tell the guys she's actually cancelling the day portion of the date and they'll just meet up for the date's cocktail party.

You gotta love how she is constantly demanding respect from these guys while blatantly disrespecting their feelings at every turn.

At the cocktail party later, our hypothesis that the producers are spending zero dollars on these dates is proven correct by the glaring omission of coot, YET AGAIN:

LOL they aren't even throwing cheese rind at this 3-9.

Dale opens the date with an unnecessary speech then makes them all come together for a group hug before saying that he's going to steal Clare away first to talk for "five minutes." They then "happen" to stroll back to her villa for some wildly uncomfortable hugging where Clare looks like she's trying to get Dale in a chokehold while simultaneously trying to knee him in the balls (sorry to bring up balls again). Wow chemistry.

While they are both getting their OUTDOOR SHOES on the bed (why), Dale's "five minute" talk turns into 45 minutes. Which oh yeah did you guys remember this is a group date. Here are the other guys waiting while wearing outfits from the same Vineyard Vines sale:

Eazy finally decides this is ridiculous and finds Clare (and Dale). When he knocks on Clare's door, she and Dale react as if they're two 16-year-olds who just got caught by their parents making out on the living room couch. There is more awkward giggling than when "penis" is said in a middle school health class. Dale leaves and Clare proceeds to talk to Eazy for approx 25 seconds before hugging him goodbye. After he leaves, we get this super lovely clip of thoughtful and caring Clare talking to a producer:

While Clare, who has been adamant about mandating the guys' attention, is speed dating through the rest of the guys while paying little to no attention, Dale interrupts Jay's time with Clare. This upsets Jay more than his eyebrows upset me:

Dale and Clare get back to making out because how dare these other guys who are on this dating show where they all get to date Clare, attempt to talk to Clare. 

Chasen eventually interrupts the wall make-out session and Dale returns to the group smiling like...honestly, I cannot even make fun of him because he looks like an ad advertising the world's hottest people in every shot.

The guys are all like "You were with Clare again, after being with her for 45 minutes??" And Dale tries to deflect, saying he went to the bathroom then "happened" to stumble into Clare's room, thinking no one was in the room (not even Clare, who is the occupant of said room). He sticks to this story of being like "omg I had no idea anyone would even be with Clare, who is the focal point of this date that we are all on."

Based on the fact that Clare spent 98% of this date with Dale and 2% talking to the producers about wanting to rush through the other guys, no one is surprised that Dale gets the group date rose.

The non-Dale one-on-one date that Clare wishes Dale was on 

Because she is contractually obligated to do so, Clare invites Zach J. and his flesh-colored eyebrows on this week's one-on-one, aka time in which Clare feels tortured for having to be away from Dale. As a reminder, this is Zach:

When Clare shows up to the guys' rooms to pick up Zach for the date, she says she's present and here to get to know Zach better but then trips over her raging lady boner for Dale, because she is so smitten by him trying out something new with his look, never seen before in history: Wearing a hat.

For their date, Clare and Zach spend the day at the spa and it is spa'ctacularly boring. We get lots of unforgivable shots of Zach's feet as they both get pedicures before Clare rubs chunks of avocado on his face then looks disgusted at having to touch a man that is not Dale.

Clare treats this entire date with about as much excitement as someone getting a root canal, but instead of outright saying her head isn't in it because her head is up Dale's ass, she instead decides to gaslight us (and Zach). Yay! She says this date feels off, not because her lower back "I HEART DALE" tattoo is showing, but because Zach, who has "always had excited energy" now has energy that has "turned to nervousness."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a meeting of the minds is happening.

 

Ew you cannot convince me that the guys' pool is not just full of tiny chest hairs THANKS I HATE IT. So a few of the guys are having a Gossip Girl sesh, talking about how they heard Dale and Clare were in contact before the show. Which, how did it take these unseasoned potatoes that long to realize that. They were OBVIOUSLY in contact before the show. Clare already has Dale saved in her phone as ~~*mY mAn <3 *~~. I think it's safe to assume she uses AIM design elements and stupid random capitalization in her phone. 

Back on the date, all of Clare's interviews are about how much she misses Dale and wishes Dale was here. Great for Zach! They spend some time in the pool outside her villa and her dog eventually joins them because this woman does not want to be here with this man. After reaching her limit of non-Dale time, Clare tells Zach they should head back to their rooms to get ready for dinner later. As she's leaving, she leans in to kiss him but pulls away, saying that HE is pulling away from her (the gaslighting, I have to laugh). 

He responds by saying he wasn't pulling away and GRABS HER NECK. He does this again when they're out of the pool and it's like dude sorry, she does not want to kiss you and squeezing her neck like toothpaste is not going to be a refreshing experience for you.

So overall this has been a terrible experience for Clare, Zach, Clare's dog and most importantly, me. After getting changed for dinner, Zach shows up ready to start anew.

Still cackling that the show is throwing no money at food for Clare's season. There is something brown on one of the plates but I am POSITIVE it's just a bunch of wine corks taped together. After waiting for a bit, Chris Harrison finally shows up with this no-lips expression, which is always a good sign.

He tells Zach that Clare isn't coming and basically acts like the friend you'd send to your "boyfriend" when you were in 8th grade to tell him you don't want to "go out" anymore. Always gotta have a middle man/deliverer of bad news. Anyway, this means Zach isn't getting a rose and has to leave and can now focus all of his efforts into growing eyebrows.

The non-Dale group date that Dale is still the focus of

Again, because Clare is mandated to do so, she invites the leftovers on the second group date that features special guest, Margaret Cho.

You can just sense the disappointment in Margaret's face because she was expecting to be meeting Tayshia.

The guys learn they're going to have to write their own jokes and then roast each other. This sounds like a great idea since most of these men are about as funny as boiled eggs. Before the roast kicks off, their "audience" joins them and its's *surprise* the rest of the guys, namely Dale (it is IMPOSSIBLE to take a bad screenshot of this man).

Honestly, it's a good thing Dale showed up because otherwise these men would have no one to roast because again, none of them actually have a sense of humor. But they do have aggressive feelings toward Dale for being the guy Clare is obsessed with, so they all roast him for the most part. Bland Bennett, who I assume has plenty of experience talking down to people, really goes in on Dale, at one point saying "he looks like the boa constrictor from The Jungle Book and soon Clare will snap out of his spell." Pretty sure to this day, he is still high-fiving all the bros in the locker room about this one. 

The roast upsets Clare because the guys, who are here for her season of a show based on a woman dating ALL of the men, are making fun of her boyfriend. So after it ends, she beelines it to Dale like he's some wounded bird.

Now luckily, the guys still have the evening portion of the date to look forward to that does not include Dale, right? lollllllll wrong.

During Clare's time with Bennett, she asks how he thinks the roast went and I mean, he has already printed out a certificate of achievement and had it framed so. This is how their conversation goes:

Bennett: Yeah, I lit Dale up
Clare: One of your jokes alluded to Dale being the front runner, where'd you get that idea
Bennett: Dale said it and also you're wearing a button that says "Dale is #1"
Clare: OMG what, Dale talks about me? OMG, go on what else does he say about me
Bennett: .......can we not talk about Dale
Clare: But like, do you think he LIKE LIKES me or just LIKES me??

This exact conversation is repeated with every guy, with Clare essentially asking the guys what Dale says about her and it's all very middle school when like girl, just get on AIM and ask him yourself.

When it comes time to give out the group date rose, Clare realizes that Dale isn't here and already has one anyway, so she tells the guys she "did not get" what she needed this evening (which was Dale) so she won't be able to give out a rose.

And all of the Legos in these dudes brains finally snap together and they collectively realize that Clare, who only talks about Dale and prioritizes time with Dale, might in fact like Dale the most.

She walks away from the group with a producer and because her organs rely on talking about Dale every 25 seconds to function, she then starts talking about him with this producer, who probably asked to be blurred out to avoid association with this entire fiasco.

She gripes that the guys "dished on my fiancee, how dare they make fun of Dale!" And it's like, dear God WHERE is Tayshia and when will she save this season.

The best part of this week's episode

To be clear, Ivan is the best part of every episode and these are quite literally the only moments we got of him this week. I'm hoping him and Tayshia will hit it off when she takes over this garbage season because if I can't date him, I hope my close personal friend Tayshia can.

And that's it! We finally got our first glimpse of Tayshia in the preview for next week and we as a nation are praying she shows up then.

See you all for that (I hope)! Til then, find me picking out all of the Mr. Goodbar's from those giant mixed bags of candy to eat and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).