Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia's look of pure exhaustion at having to continue wading in this cesspool of Noah and Bennett bullshit.

That's right, even though we LITERALLY do not have time for this, we're dedicating more time to this moo (like a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter) drama.

Next week is hometowns and Men Tell All, meaning the week after is the proposal and finale. So it seems totally normal and unrushed and very natural for Tayshia to go from 10 guys this week to 1 over the course of 3 episodes, why not! Nothing makes sense so here we go!

But which piece of moldy chicken should she keep

To get to the bottom of this unnecessary drama, Tayshia chats separately with each of the guys, which AGAIN I must point out is a waste of time. Tayshia trying to decide between Bennett and Noah is like trying to decide which piece of moldy chicken to cook when you've got an entire fridge just full of juicy ass Ivan steaks available instead.

Bennett, who is a walking "well actually," really fights for Tayshia by lecturing her on the topic of emotional intelligence while also disregarding her feelings completely. I know, swoon. To really make her heart soar, he repeatedly says "I'm sorry you feel that way" (instead of, I don't know, "I'm sorry"). 

She then talks to the squirrel from Ice Age, telling him that he is clearly the common denominator in all of this drama. And there is no way you can convince me this man knows what a denominator is.

He emphasizes that he hates drama and does not want to be at the center of this except omg wait, he's wearing a sun costume and making the other guys dress up as planets and is wearing a shirt that says "I love Center Life."

The only way for this nonsense to end satisfactorily is for Tayshia to send both of these ding dongs home, so that of course doesn't happen. Only Bennett is sent back to the frat house or maybe he's sent back into the sauna where it seems he's been spending hours at a time based on how flushed and pink he constantly looks.

Tayshia doesn't give Ice Age Squirrel a rose either, but let's him stick around for the upcoming Rose Ceremony so she has more time to decide if she wants to keep him around. 

Why are there still so many guys left

Going into the Rose Ceremony, only Circus Peanut and Big Hands Ben have roses. Among the 8 other guys remaining, Tayshia has 5 roses to give, meaning 3 are going home (some have called me a "math genius"). So the guys are feeling the pressure to get solid Tayshia time in.

Riley, who is probably the most mature and down to earth man in the house (and also has the biggest biceps I have ever seen ever), chats with Tayshia first and surprises her with THIS PERFECT LOOKING PIECE OF CAKE:

He says it's to celebrate their "one week anniversary of being boyfriend/girlfriend," and I cannot describe how adorable I find this. Like, he doesn't say it's a week of them being together or being in a relationship, he specifically uses "boyfriend/girlfriend," which unlocks my deepest core teenage memories. 

All of the other guys also file through for their time and blah blah, let's get to the ceremony.

Ultimately, Demar, Spencer and Ed are sent home. None of this is a surprise because Spencer literally spoke with Tayshia once, then spent the rest of his time PICKING THE CHEESE AND TOPPINGS OUT OF SALADS. And we haven't really seen Tayshia connect with Demar much, but I also think he'll be great on Bachelor in Paradise. And Ed. Ah Ed.

The biggest surprise here is how in the actual hell he stuck around for so long. At least now he can get back to doing what he does best — lifting neck weights.

Apologies for missing this one

I guess I never fully paid attention to the fact that Brendan is a commercial roofer. To that I say, I've got a roof he can get under. Or maybe I've got a roof he can get on top of? Or maybe I've got some roofing for him to inspect? Okay you guys let me know what I should go with in my opening DM. Also I'm really sorry it took me this long to make this joke.

One-on-one with Big Ben

Ben gets this week's first one-on-one and for his date with Tayshia, they first stand next to each other looking like the stock image photogenic couple included in picture frames.

Even though it looks like he's about to blink and also like he just muttered a long "brahhhhh," I enjoy this overall visual.

They spend the day following clues around the resort property as a part of a scavenger hunt and at one point bring us back to an old friend:

That's right, the pizza oven. It served as the backdrop for Clare and Dale's engagement and for Circus Peanut's sharing of his dramatic past and now, for something equally as serious — piñata bashing. 

They later end up at this fountain filled with approx 1 inch of water, therefore requiring Ben to fully remove his pants to avoid getting them wet.

I'm not complaining, this Winnie the Pooh precaution seems like a necessary one to take. And I was the appointed Safety Officer for my Army unit, so I think I have the credentials to make this ass'essment, thanks.

All butts aside, Tayshia wants to focus on getting to know Ben on a deeper level during the evening portion of their date. Which features this delicious hunk of meat:

I'm talking about that steak, you guys, you know I don't objectify men.  

Tayshia tells Ben he's "a tough cookie to crack" (note: I've got a cookie for him to crack) and in response, Ben says he hasn't had feelings for someone in a long time, but he's slowly opening up. He talks about how his family and then being in the military trained him to strive to be perfect and always say and do the right thing. But, after he broke his back (holy crap) and had to leave the military, he "lost himself" and didn't know how to ask for help.  

He then shares that he had two failed suicide attempts in 2018 and 2019. And it's like, last week this man shared he had an eating disorder and this week he bravely shares that he attempted suicide, so I cannot understand Tayshia saying he doesn't open up???? Tbh, she hasn't actually shared anything personal with him????

Anyway, she gives him a rose and he's our first guy through to hometowns. They then head to a random area to slow dance to music by a rando singer on a a giant carpet under a Betsey Johnson looking tree:

Not really sure why the carpet is necessary, except to drive me crazy in creating an indoor situation (where shoes shouldn't be allowed), outdoors.

Finally, want to note that in the voiceover at the end of the date, Tayshia says SHE LOVES BEN. NOT FALLING IN LOVE, NOT STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE. THAT SHE LOVES HIM. That's important and all, but so is this:

Based on this prolonged shot of Ben's big ol' hands, it's pretty clear ABC reads my blog and is pandering directly to my interests.

This looks like a very legit lie detector setup

For this week's group date, the guys learn they'll be undergoing a "polygraph test" administered by JoJo Fletcher, who by the way is still around. I use air bunnies because this "test" setup includes three different colored lights to indicate truth/lie/unsure and a laptop playing a heart rate line on loop (I actually refer to this as a "beep beep beep" line AND DON'T BE PRETENTIOUS YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY "BEEP BEEP BEEP" LINE). 

Anyway, to prove the test's accuracy and authenticity (two words that are never used to describe this show), Tayshia is hooked up first.

The biggest thing we learn (that is clearly foreshadowing) is that while she says she doesn't regret sending any of the guys home so far, the test reveals this to be a lie (gee, who could this Be-nnett bout).

During Brendan's test, he truthfully shares that he "hopes" he's ready to propose at the end of all of this before being caught lying about being ready for Tayshia to meet his family and for him to meet hers.

Later during the evening portion of the date, Brendan clarifies his answers with Tayshia, telling her that he's nervous about the meeting of families because his family has seen him propose and get married and go through all of this before. And he wants to ensure this is really it. And um, THIS IS A NORMAL WORRY SINCE THEY HAVE LITERALLY ONLY BEEN DATING FOR 3 WEEKS, TOPS??? Why I let this show feed me crazy pills every season is beyond me.

During Circus Peanut's test, he truthfully admits he's already falling in love with Tayshia and also that he has cheated before. This raises one giant red flag in Tayshia's mind because well obviously, cheating, and also because she thinks "once a cheater, always a cheater." And I mean, you can totally see how this face could captivate more than one woman at once:

We later learn that Zac was telling the truth and he did "cheat" .... when he was in mother fracking 6th grade. Wtf. He tells Tayshia he had his first girlfriend then and cheated on her when he "french kissed" another girl at the bowling alley. Remember how I thought it was adorable that Riley used the youth'nacular (youth vernacular, I am a linguist) of "boyfriend/girlfriend"? I found it unbelievably creepy to hear Zac say the youth'nacular verb "french kissed." Anyway, Tayshia is relieved to learn this was sort of a joke and he's not a cheater. Circus Peanut says he wishes he could've told her that he was falling in love with her, instead of having the test reveal it and she says she's falling in love with him too. I remain boggled by this entire thing.

When Riley is hooked up to the super legit polygraph test, he fails the very first question of his name, which confuses everyone in the room.

During his time with Tayshia later, he explains this by sharing more about his rocky family history, something he doesn't normally talk about. He says his name is actually Dwayne Henderson Jr. and he was named after his father, who was his best friend for 20+ years until they had a falling out. This falling out happened after Riley learned more about what happened with his parents divorce and how his dad "took some things" from his mother, including him and his brother, and lied to them about her throughout the years. After reconnecting with his mom, he decided he wanted a fresh start and wanted to work toward being a better person and officially changed his name to Riley. Tayshia thanks him for opening up and understands this is hard for him, and good lord all of these guys really do have incredible stories. 

Near the end of the group date, Circus Peanut so eloquently notes that "the only reason Tayshia won't give me the rose tonight is if she has similar feelings for someone else" and wow, really can't get anything past this guy huh. 

Tayshia ultimately decides she's not ready to give out a group date rose and wants to wait until the Rose Ceremony.

Bennett is back to steal Christmas

After leaving the group date, Tayshia is surprised by the return of bland ass Bennett because as a privileged white man, he simply cannot be told what to do and when it's time to go.

His head almost explodes as he tries to avoid saying "actually" while apologizing again for making her "think" he was questioning her integrity or decision making ability. He then makes a last ditch effort to win her over by telling her that being asked to leave made him realize he loves her. And this is Tayshia's reaction, can't you just hear the "uhhhhhhh":

And that reaction is shortly followed by:

As a heads up, if you tell someone you love them and they react by looking like they just realized they ate raw oysters from a gas station, it's not a good sign. But yes Bennett, please tell us more about how self-aware you are.

And that's it! Based on previews, it looks like Bennett will get to join the Rose Ceremony, which is incredibly stupid because AGAIN WE DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS. The finale is in 2 weeks?? And there's still entirely too many men here (and there and most places, amirite). 

See you next week as we continue to destroy these silly brain cells! Til then, find me creeping around on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by Tayshia wearing what appears to be a sleeveless turtleneck:

This gave me intense fashion flashbacks because I was VERY into sleeveless turtlenecks for a period of time in high school. And when I like something, I REALLY like it, so I had like 14 of them it was absurd and unfortunate.

But like the great poet Hannah Montana once said, "Everybody makes mistakes." So let's jump into this week's mistakes!

"I need some advice"

Because she's trying to get Bingo on her "past Bachelorette/Bachelor stars" card, Tayshia asks JoJo Fletcher to join her this week.

JoJo's season was actually the first time I dabbled in watching this tragic franchise. You probably remember her for looking like Maren Morris and also getting engaged to a guy who looks like the cucumber from Veggie Tales. These two things apparently make her qualified to provide Tayshia with advice and also semi-step in for Chris Harrison (who's gone for most of the episode). 

They talk over quite the breakfast spread and tbh I don't remember much of this conversation because I couldn't stop staring at that greyish-white blob in front of that plant that looks like a glob of cottage cheese:

I realize it's some sort of decorative rock, but we can't know for sure that it's not just some sort of dairy product plopped directly onto the table.

I knew this was coming

Circus Peanut gets his time to shine in the center ring after he gets this week's first one-on-one date. If you've forgotten what he looks like, no worries here are a few reminders:

You can really see why Tayshia worries if she's just "physically" attracted to him. 

Because Tayshia's attraction to Zac makes no sense, it makes sense for their date to also make no sense (does that make sense). Their date centers around taking wedding photos together, which um what the actual hell. I mean, I know they do this particular date every season, but it's just as stupid to see every time.

Tayshia feels nervous about doing this because she is a normal human being who is being forced to put on a wedding dress and take fake wedding photos with a man who I think looks like the Joker maybe??? And also because she's worn a wedding dress before and that didn't end so well. But all of her worries subside when she sees Zac in his ill fitting suit.

They take photos and change outfits a few times and randomly jump on a trampoline??? Dear God this date is incredibly weird and also wack. There's lots of kissing, which made me notice that Zac licks his non-existent lips A LOT. So I guess he's really just licking his mustache area (I KNOW THIS IS CALLED THE UPPER LIP BUT "MUSTACHE AREA" IS MUCH MORE VISUAL AND ALSO HOW CAN ONE HAVE AN "UPPER LIP" IF THEY DON'T HAVE LIPS???). Anyway, here's a very introspective moment of Tayshia staring at Zac's thin little things:

Later, they have dinner inside a lava lamp.

Tayshia emphasizes that she's looking for someone who's older and more mature like Zac, which I mean, if Clare taught us anything it's that age is not necessarily tied to maturity. 

Zac then shares literally everything that has happened in his life (and it's as lot) in about 5 minutes — he had a brain tumor and surgery, then got married, then got heavily into drinking and partying, then got a DUI and arrested before his wife left him. He continued down this path until finally, after trying to cash a check he stole from his dad (and with the support of his dad) he sought help and went to rehab for 4 months. And now he sits on the board of that rehab facility.

Phew. That's almost more than what happens in a single episode of Riverdale. Tayshia thanks him for sharing and obviously gives him a rose before telling him she has a "surprise" for him. And the surprise is:

A GIANT FERRIS WHEEL. Not really sure if this show knows what "surprise," means. Unless they found some giant ass blanket to cover this thing (lol that's funny to think about), this isn't really a surprise, more of a "here is this thing that has been here forever."

FYI I love reading

Ivan and Brendan read two of the week's date cards and I have never been more interested in reading or in becoming an envelope.

"I'm hoping this date can help reveal something about the guys" 

In a drastic shift, this week's group date includes no nudity. From the guys at least. It's a creative and artistic type of date, beginning with them having to sketch a nude couple. Not even sharing what the couple looks like because it's better for you to interpret via their sketches:

I honestly can't decide which is the funniest one. After this terrible stick people porn sketching, the guys then have to create something out of clay that illustrates love. Skipping over that entire portion because all of their creations look like literal poop (the clay was dark brown).

For the final test of AP Art class, they have to create self-portraits that show something deep inside of them and the guy who impresses Tayshia the most will get some extra one-on-one time with her.

Taking the task literally, Brendan holds up an empty frame around his face, which at first seems lazy and lacking creativity, until he turns the portrait sideways to say "my self-portrait isn't complete without someone by my side because the most important thing in life is to share it with someone special."

This is straight out of a Hallmark holiday movie (I've been watching a lot of them) AND I LIKE IT. Also, I'm aware Brendan's voice is sort of monotone and he always sounds like he's coming to collect your taxes, but I don't mind it and I've got some deductions for him to see. 

Ivan's portrait features puzzle pieces representing his family, money, career, etc. but with one piece missing in the middle that represents a wife and kids. He asks Tayshia to place the final piece, completing the puzzle:

AND YES I ALSO FOUND THIS CUTE, OKAY. I love puzzles and placing the last piece (even on a puzzle with only 5 pieces like this one) is one of the most gratifying things (second only to sneezing).

While all of the guys have been sharing meaningful stories behind their self-portraits, Ben has grown increasingly nervous about his. Just as he's about to share his, he tells Tayshia he forgot something and leaves for a second, only to return with his self-portrHAAAAAAAAAY:

My reaction alternated between Blake's, Bennett's and mostly Tayshia's:

Ben tells Tayshia this is him (literally) showing up for her and he's giving all of "this" to her, from his physical body to everything inside. I'm not even adding any jokes here because you can imagine all of them for yourself.

All of this emotional sharing and hot body'ody action overwhelms Tayshia's senses and she steps away for a second to cry because she's so thankful for such a thoughtful (and hot) group of guys. She returns to tell them she can't choose one person to spend extra time with because they've all been so great and would like to continue the group date all together.

This is great since this art date has been a can opener for all of the guys' feelings and they're now all ready to lay on the couch and open up to Dr. Tayshia. Later that evening, all of them continue to share stories about their families and past and this MUST BE the most complete sentences ever used on a season of the Bachelorette.

Ben tells Tayshia he feels a connection with her that he's never felt with anyone else, so he feels comfortable opening up to her. He tells her that he works in fitness and nutrition because he had an eating disorder as a teenager and into his 20s that began because as a kid, he learned girls didn't like "the fat kid." And we get to see all of this through the camera's weird positioning making it look like Ben is using a blur background on Zoom.

Tayshia thanks Ben for sharing and later ends up giving him the group date rose. She ends the evening by foreshadowing how this episode will clearly end by saying she's aware of the drama brewing between Noah and Bennett and she intends to get to the bottom of this cup of dumbass coffee.

It's so Eazy to say goodbye

Eazy gets the second one-on-one this week and for his date with Tayshia, they do some ghost hunting. And by "ghost hunting" I mean everything is filmed with night vision cameras because ghosts or no ghosts, night vision cameras create the strangest shadows making everything look haunted.

For some background, Tayshia reads the story about why this resort is haunted (wtf was there no budget to afford a non-haunted hotel). Apparently some guy back in the 1900s (the period of time all ghosts are from) lived where the resort currently is and blah blah his wife and baby died and all of them now "haunt" the grounds. Tayshia and Eazy do a lot of screaming and scaring each other and while we don't see any actual ghosts, we do get a shot of this terrifying thing:

WHY. There is NEVER a reason for dolls to exist anywhere or be in any location. Also, I *cannot* emphasize enough how much I hate old timey ghosts. Like, ghosts have nothing better to do than float around in old raggedy ass clothing trying to scare people? 

Anyway, after wandering around in the dark for a couple hours — what Eazy calls "a cute ass date" — they head to dinner, which takes place in what appears to be some sort of wicker chandelier showroom.

Also want to note that they're sitting in front of the pizza oven that Dale proposed to Clare at.

Eazy tells Tayshia he's felt comfortable with her from the start and could feel this was something real and that he's falling in love with her. Tayshia then responds by first making the face you make before saying "I love....being friends with you" to someone telling you they're in love with you:

She thanks him for being so honest, but admits she isn't quite there with him and he deserves so much more, meaning she isn't giving him a rose and he's going home. He is completely caught off guard and as she's walking him to his Uber, he asks her a couple times "Is this real?" and "Are you sure?"

And anyway yes, he's our first date exit of the season (though probably not the last).

Who does this

We actually haven't heard much from Spencer since he slid in on a trail of hair gel, but this week we got a random clip of him eating:

While I enjoy the shirtless backdrop, HE IS PICKING OUT THE CHEESE AND EVERYTHING FROM THAT SALAD AND ONLY EATING THE LEAVES. WHY. A REAL FLAW.

Please send both of these men home

So back to this ridiculous and pointless drama between Noah and Bennett. Tayshia asks to see both of them before the Rose Ceremony cocktail party and just in case you forgot, here's a reminder of what they look like: 

If these two Milk Duds were creating drama on my season, I'd just send them right where all Milk Duds belong — the trash. I know the producers are making her drag out this situation, but it's not like either of these guys is a catch so why can't we let both of these minnows go.

Before Tayshia arrives, Bennett can't possibly miss an opportunity to remind us that he is comprised of every terrible cliche associated with one-dimensional, rich, white men. I'm sure Reese Witherspoon has broken up with him in a movie before. He gives Noah a "gift" that he def golf clapped at himself in the mirror for putting together. 

It includes a red handkerchief "of friendship" since Noah is from Oklahoma and Bennett had "rancher" days (more like ranch dressing, ya know). While that seems nice, the next two items are straight from Petty Aisle 5. He gives him a pair of his socks (that he claims to have washed) that have mustaches on them because, as he says, "the only place a mustache belongs is on socks," taking a dig at the creeper peach fuzz stache Noah showed up with. And the last thing is a book about emotional intelligence because Bennett thinks Noah is lacking in several areas. 

After this white elephant (heavy emphasis on white) gift exchange, Tayshia finally shows up.

She says she likes them both (who knows why), but is frustrated and wants to get to the bottom of what's causing all of this pettiness. She calls this "teenage boy drama" and Noah agrees and says he wants to squash it before being like "BUT BUT TEACHER, BENNETT SAID THIS ABOUT ME." Tayshia tells Bennett that his issue with Noah still being here calls her own integrity into question, since she is the one who decides who stays. Bennett, who probably just found out women can vote and is surely a walking HR complaint in any office setting, responds with: "I actually don't believe I am."

WELL, IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE YOU ARE, THEN PHEW, GLAD THAT'S SORTED. I'm hoping Tayshia just sends both of these flavorless crumbs home next week.

Speaking of sending guys home...

Can't believe he's still here

If possible, Ed's barely there neck continues to become less and less existent every week. Tayshia needs to send this man home before his head slides down to becoming a third nipple.

And that's it! We've only got like four episodes left, meaning Tayshia's going to need to trim a lot of fat from this fatty brisket soon. See you next week! Til then, find me boycotting old timey ghosts and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Ben, looking directly into the camera like an angsty teen in the opening credits of some show on The CW (or The WB for the real ones):

Based on the fact that this season must wrap by Christmas (before Matt's Bachelor season premieres in January) I'm thinking our girl Tayshia only has about 3 more weeks to find a husband, so we don't have a moment to waste!

A stupid competition to get to a much needed Ivan one-on-one

To kick off the week, Tayshia has all of the guys who weren't on the last group date "compete" for a one-on-one date by writing a song then performing it for her because as Tayshia puts it, "What girl doesn't want that?" Ah yes, there's nothing we collectively as women want more than to see how many words a guy can rhyme "rose" with.

About 95% of this segment is a waste of time with this being the only worthwhile 5%:

Ivan is the only guy who asks Tayshia to sit closer so he can look into her eyes while singing and yes I would normally find this incredibly corny, but when the deliverer of the corn looks like Ivan I'm like lemme get that high fructose corn syrup.

Ivan obviously gets the one-on-one date and the only other thing I want to note is I've gone this entire part of the post without making some sort of Ivan and "playing my musical instrument" joke or using the word "blow," so anyway, you're welcome.

After the rest of the guys return to the house, Noah, who looks like that kid you knew in elementary school that threw up in class once, is sure to publicly share that Ivan is too quiet and "sophisticated" (omg hate that when guys are sophisticated) for Tayshia. In case you forgot, here's Noah:

Gasp, too sophisticated, what does that even mean, he speaks in cursive? Mostly including this bit because yes you guessed it, Noah has his handy dandy spoon out and is ready to be this week's pot stirrer.

"I feel like Ivan and I could have a really beautiful relationship"

Tayshia asks Ivan to meet her at her suite later that night (which wow, really stealing lines word-for-word that I've DM'd to him, but okay sure). So before he heads over, we get this really drawn out scene of him adjusting his chain like it's a tie and I am not one bit complaining, please sir I'd like some more.

Their date is comprised of activities that must've been randomly pulled out of a hat — they play the "floor is lava" game to get to her bedroom where the phone is so they can order room service, then they have a pillow fight with pillows that are seemingly just full of loose feathers???? Is that actually how feather pillows are, just feathers all loosey goosey (haha goose) plopped into a pillowcase??? Can someone please confirm for me?? 

Then when room service arrives, we learn they've ordered the Kevin McCallister special:

Tbh it seems a little insensitive for Tayshia to order that Titanic-sized (too soon?) portion of ice cream knowing Ivan is half Filipino and therefore likely lactose intolerant. Also, WHO ORDERS THAT MUCH ICE CREAM????? PRESENTED IN THE STANLEY CUP???? I actually would've like to learn more about that cafeteria looking pizza or those chicken fingers.

After gassing up — literally gas like toot toot because they've just eaten a bunch of fries, pizza, guac, buffalo wings, ice cream and wine — they head outside to chat.

And y'all, when I say this is the most real and meaningful conversation to happen on this tragedy of a show, I mean it. Ivan talks about his relationship with his younger brother and the impact it had on him when his brother went to prison for four years. He brings up George Floyd and police brutality and how the events of this year struck him so hard because he kept thinking about his brother and the hardships he went through in prison.

They both talk about growing up in predominately white neighborhoods, being surrounded by mostly white people for most of their lives and what the Black Lives Matter movement has meant to both of them. At the end of what is certainly the deepest conversation to ever happen on this kiddie pool depth of a show, Tayshia gives Ivan a rose.

They then head inside to watch a "movie," which is just a slideshow of Tayshia baby photos? I mean I guess Hollywood really is on a break.

Bottomline here: I am obsessed and in love with Ivan and I think he'll make it to Tayshia's top 3, but she will not pick him in the end (and I'll be there, creepily waiting in the DM wings to sweep him away).

A group date that's actually entertaining

For the next group date, Tayshia enlists the help of her "best friends" Becca and Sydney because I guess after you've been on one of these shows you're contractually obligated to only continue friendships with other people who have also been on the show. 

You may remember Sydney for deciding to leave Colton's season of The Bachelor early because she realized how incredibly boring and useless he was. And you may remember Becca for first getting dumped on live TV by boiled chicken Arie, then completely blowing her season of The Bachelorette by choosing ignorant, racist, sexist idiot Garrett (they've since broken up). Both very good resume builders.

For this date, the guys learn they'll be paired up before having to run around the resort completing random "dares." These "dares" include downing gross blended drinks that include bugs or ham or who knows, having Chris Harrison sign somewhere "where the sun doesn't shine" which again none of us asked for more of his bird ass so can that please stop, and making loud sex noises. The sex noises dare actually made me laugh out loud in real life because we got scenes like this:

So now that they've all eaten something weird, had Chris Harrison touch their butts and busted an eye vessel sex screaming, they're ready for the final dare — eat a habanero pepper and then pretend propose to Tayshia. Here's Bennett spicily glistening in the wind:

I did find the giant, plastic engagement ring to be pretty funny because there is nothing I love more than really tiny or really large versions of things. 

With bugs and peppers lining their stomachs, they move onto the evening portion of the date because nothing sounds better than topping it all off with mixed drinks.

Bennett is one of the first to chat with Tayshia and we learn that he was actually engaged before.

He says he broke it off before the wedding because "it just didn't feel right," which I take to mean mother told him his fiancee was simply not an appropriate match. But I'm sure there will be future cotillions! Also want to note that Bennett is 10000% a producer pick, kept around for entertainment value, because Tayshia looks at him like he's a clearance item in the frozen food aisle — not going to buy it, but not bothered by it being here.

Next up, Blake hits her with the ol' heart eyes:

I find this man incredibly exhausting and not just because I'm constantly looking under my bed to make sure he's not there. I'm thinking he'll be going home soon.

Speaking of going home soon, here's who I REALLY want to go home:

Tayshia and Zac chat in the hot tub, which is annoying because of all the men on this date to see shirtless, we get Zac. She continues to show genuine interest in him and I cannot understand it at all. It's like when someone says their favorite candy is those circus peanuts, it's simply beyond comprehension. 

Tayshia ends up giving Zac the group date rose, so sadly it seems Circus Peanut will be sticking around until at least the top 4 (is my guess anyway).

A Tale of Two Single-Syllable Names

After ruminating on Tayshia saying she was disappointed in him for not chatting with her, Ben decides he needs to see Tayshia the night before the Rose Ceremony. At the same time, Thumb Head Ed is like maybe I should go find my neck (and also Tayshia). So they both put on their best Hanes shirt and set out for Tayshia's room.

Long story short, here's who they each end up reaching at the end of their nighttime stroll:

That's right, Army veteran Ben was able to effectively read a resort map to find his way to Tayshia's room while Ed wandered into Chris Harrison's.....neck.....of the woods. When Chris Harrison opens the door, he mentions it's 2:30 a.m., which like why is Tayshia still in cute clothes and also NOT ASLEEP?? I don't care how hot you are, if you knock on my door at 2:30 a.m. you're gonna get Shrek straight outta the swamp.

Ben apologizes to Tayshia and tells her he wasn't being apathetic during the group date and he won't ever make the mistake again of trying to be last to chat with her. She forgives him because he's fine as hell and then he surprises her with room service champagne and strawberries.

What we need to talk about here is HOW BIG HIS HANDS ARE???? BIG BEN'S HANDS. I mean those are MITTS. Looks like he could just palm a 25 lb turkey, easy (Happy Thanksgiving!). I bet those hands could hold like 3 wiener dogs EACH. My point here is I am interested in Ben and I think Tayshia is too and he'll also be around in the top four.

How is this only the second Rose Ceremony

Throughout this episode, we've had sprinklings of Noah making arrogant comments because he already has a rose (from the group date he imposed upon). Oh, btw, just in case, once again this is Noah don't want you to forget this face:

Something about him reminds me of that squirrel from Ice Age?? Anyway, after some casual pot stirring, Noah's ready to break out the paddle-sized spoon and really get this thing going.

During his time with Tayshia, Noah says he's not here to tell on guys and then proceeds to tell on guys. He tells Tayshia that some of the guys were annoyed that he was allowed to join the group date and they've been questioning her thinking for deciding to give him the group date rose.

Tayshia thanks Squirrel before heading back into where the guys are to confront them. 

She tells the guys she feels her integrity has been questioned and she's not here to start drama and if any of the guys think she is, they can leave. She then cancels the rest of the evening, leaving most of the guys without any time with her before the Rose Ceremony.

Mostly including this group shot of Thumb Head yelling at Squirrel to show how good Ivan looks in his little tan jacket. During this back and forth of everyone v. Noah, Bennett says "I'm here for love, not for breast feeding Noah," which I think we can all agree is a little too visual. And further proof that Bennett is just a plant to deliver lines written by the producers so they can be created into gifs.

Source

At the Rose Ceremony, we learn that Ed has had it absolutely up to ear with Noah's BS.

With no neck, do you think this means Ed never gets a sore throat? I mean I guess that's a plus. Tayshia ends up giving him the last rose for some unknown reason and sends home Asked Me How to Spell Orange Chasen, Boy Band Kenny, Hot But Only When He's Shirtless Jordan and Dr. Joe. Of all of them, Joe knew he was leaving based on his face the entire time:

Now he can get back to his real passion — wearing a man bun while doctoring.

And that's it! I'm wondering how this season is going to play out considering it has to wrap up by Christmas. I'm also annoyed because episodes with Clare CRAWLey'd by (impressed myself there) and now we're having to rush through Tayshia Time.

See you next week for more! Til then, find me napping after eating an entire pie (how else do you think I get this body'ody) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).