Let's chat about The Bachelor (Women Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of Abigail with her crisp middle part, dark lip and double the hoops signaling we're about to get double the drama:

Because it's the Women Tell All! Probably the best episode of any season if not just for the 5 minutes of bloopers we get to see. 

The women are all like "let's lift each other up" before diving into 120 minutes of passive aggressive shit talking (aka "a light poo chat") so let's get to it.

First, NORTH CAROLINAAAAAA

Important to kick off the post on a positive note with our only NC girl, Khaylah! Making us all proud by wearing the best hoops of the night/season (so sorry, Abigail).

Like Justin Bieber performing live, that's just about the only note we're going to hit though as far as positivity goes. 

When did we enter a Forever 21

In terms of logistics, the producers have split the women onto two sides, with one side looking like that baby pink and nude section of Forever 21. You know it. You're vividly picturing it now. It's usually full of dresses like the one MJ is wearing. Just a sea of stretchy, taupe colored items.

The other side of women, on the other hand, are wearing all of the bold outfits I'm interested in wearing, but could never pull off.

Even Kit's 80s business woman top with the sleeves ripped off WWE style. Would be interested in wearing it.

Jessenia v. MJ

The first thing we dive into in this shallow pool with no water is the feud between Jessenia and MJ — drama that eventually built up to a 2-on-1 date sending MJ home. Reliving this dumbass sequence of events was only good for reminding us how Jessenia called MJ "MERE-DITH," which was hilariously petty. 

Jessenia shows up looking absolutely gorg, not a pore in sight, while MJ is also there, looking like she got her brows permed. And you're probably thinking, some time has passed and the women have had a chance to see how they were portrayed on TV so this is their chance to apologize and make amends for being rude ass bullies, right? Ha, MJ nips this redemption idea in the bud by not acknowledging how terrible she was and taking zero responsibility for her role in bullying the new girls (even after watching clips of her doing just that). She claims she was just "making jokes" and okay Bozo if you're doing that better get on back to the circus.

Final verdict: MJ, still shitty.

This is all a warm up for....

Shitoria back at it again

The main act of Shitty People Fest 2021 is none other than Queen Victoria, so perfectly portrayed in this screenshot that fate deemed necessary. Ryan, the dancer who Victoria referred to as a ho, brings this up saying it was even worse to hear it on national television. Shitty Tori then brings out the kerosene because it's gaslight o'clock. She asks Ryan if maybe she's too sensitive and that's increasing the "extent" of her "upsetness." UPSETNESS. UPSETNESS. UPSET. NESS. So not only are facts taking a beating, but also actual words. There is a 100% chance Victoria is someone who regularly says "irregardless" after doing things like misspelling your name in an email addressed to your email address that is literally your name.

Anyway, Victoria who has only festered in her own shit since leaving the show, responds with this hand gesture that is the universal sign for "I take no responsibility for this" and can't you just hear her saying "I mean, I'm sorry that YOU THOUGHT...."

She deflects by saying she's been called names and had memes made about her bra straps and swollen eye, so Ryan basically isn't allowed to be upset. The difference here is: A) If Satan is making his way out into the open via someone's busted looking eye, it's up to us to point it out! and B) Ryan is allowed to feel how she wants to feel, which in this case is EXTREMELY justified. Kit and Chelsea speak up for Ryan, too, and Victoria eventually admits the name calling was "completely unacceptable," before coming through with a big ol' "BUUUUUT we're all being called names and we're all doing the best we can do." And like, if that was Victoria's "best" what do you think her worst is? Horrifying.

Final verdict: Victoria still a monster.

Just two small town girls

Next up, the mom from Modern Family (allegedly named "Anna") and Brittany, who remember know each other from small town Chicago, rehash their drama that was actually one of the more heinous crimes of the season. Brittany says the rumor that Anna started about her being an escort was devastating in the moment and even worse to see on TV. She then relives her trajectory on the show that began with her arriving so confident before being torn down within 24 hours by a baseless rumor. Brittany brings up that if you Google her name now, the first results are about her being an escort, so it's still something she's living with.

Anna offers a single ply tissue to clean up this mess by saying "I'm sorry, this sucks" adding that there's never a reason to "take down another women." ANOTHER WOMEN. ANOTHER WOMEN. My brain and grammar, the two things being punished the most tonight. Anna does continue to apologize and Brittany accepts it.

Final verdict: Chicago has a population of 2.7 million, so yes let's continue to call it a "small town."

How dare you call the house toxic just because it was toxic!

After sorting through these feuds, it's time for everyone to pile on Katie for having the AUDACITY to tell Matt about the coordinated bullying going on in the house between the oldies and newbies. Chelsea and Mari (lolll girl we don't remember you) make the argument that it was actually Katie who made the environment toxic by bringing up the toxicity to Matt. They've clearly been taking Victoria's master class on reasoning because this is like if you were eating moldy bread and I pointed out, "Hey that bread is moldy" and then you flipped out screaming "YOU MADE THIS BREAD MOLDY!!!" 

Jessenia attempts to re-center the group by mentioning that Katie didn't bring it up to Matt to further her relationship with him, a thought that about 105% of them had not thought about. 

Final verdict: I never want to hear the word "toxic" uttered this much again unless Britney Spears is singing it in a bejeweled bodysuit.

These are the dates they should've shown

Now that we've gotten to involuntarily relive the drama that took up all of our time, we get to see parts of dates that were cut to make room for the stupidity. 

THE BEST ONE IS THIS PART OF A DATE WHERE THE WOMEN HAD TO EAT A STACK OF PANCAKES THEN CHUG A BEER:

When I say I would have THRIVED and SHINED in this challenge. Like, imagine someone asking an NBA player if he can dunk on a kiddie hoop, THAT IS THE LEVEL OF CHALLENGE IT WOULD BE FOR ME TO EAT A TINY STACK OF PANCAKES AND DOWN A BIG OL' BEER. THEY CALL ME THE KARBS KILLA. I can't get over this. This clip was also hilarious because so many women spewed out their beer like comedic spit takes. 

Another date we weren't shown was the "box challenge," where the women had to reach into boxes full of NASTY ASS BUGS to retrieve an "engagement ring."

While this is disgusting, the strategy here is to go in with fists clenched and just get to punching. I have punched a bee before (to get engaged, standard protocol) and can attest to its effectiveness.

Another unseen date included a game of hide-and-seek in the woods (who knows why) where Bri found Matt's giant self hiding behind a tiny tree branch within 5 seconds. And then everyone eventually made their way to a hot tub (the natural ending to every hide-and-seek game): 

Well everyone except for Kit who basically got Frozen 2 lost in the woods for hours. 

The last date moment we didn't get to see was from the boxing group date. Matt had all of the women drink an egg because you're already risking your heart out here, might as well risk salmonella.

Dying at Kit demonstrating what I do when someone buys shots of tequila for the group. Also we get an interview from this date of MJ saying her "biggest fear" is eggs. EGGS? Because we all know scramblings are on the rise.

Anyway, pretty much all of these moments are exponentially better than half of the crap we've seen this season.

Why would you cut out clips of Tayshia and JoJo??

Another moment we didn't get to see was of Tayshia and JoJo's apparent visit with Matt. Not sure why the producers chose to edit this entire segment out, but forced us to watch Matt pretend to be friends with Ben Higgins. This clip in particular featured JoJo unknowingly eating really spicy wings and the entire 15-second aftermath is more riveting than approx 90% of this season. 

Speaking of being edited out....

So sorry, Heather

Anytime the camera pans out, we can clearly see a woman with long blonde hair sitting next to Kit (and you can sort of see part of her anytime Kit or Katie speaks). It's obvious this is Heather and like damn, not only were you denied by Matt and forced to drive yourself out of the resort in a minivan, but you were also completely edited out of the Tell All. Trifecta of rejection and sadness.

Time to relive your breakups, ladies

Speaking of sadness, a very thoughtful thing that happens in every Tell All is when the producers are like, hey remember when you got dumped on TV a few weeks ago? Let's relive it! 

Katie is first to watch a highlight reel of her relationship with Matt and while terrible, we do get to see this moment that I missed:

COMICALLY LARGE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. I MEAN THE COOKIES AND THE CHIPS ARE BOTH ENORMOUS. Those are def two-handers. After the cookie reel, Katie admits she didn't see it coming when Matt broke up with her probably because she wasn't paying any attention to the close bonds he was forming with the other women. We then segue into her pitch for being the next Bachelorette as she says she's "now 30 and questioning why" she's still single. And if we may recall, Clare taught us that if you are 30+ and unmarried, you'll probably die soon. Katie gives us the ol' "Does anyone want me" line and honestly I was sort of expecting them to be like "Well, we'll get to find out soon because you're the next Bachelorette!" But nope. Onto the next.

The biggest thing I want to note from Pieper's time in the breakup time machine is THIS OUTFIT. SUCH A LOOK:

The gold necklace! The middle part! The tube top! Probably my second favorite look of the night (we'll get to #1 soon but I think you know). 

During Serena P.'s time, she cries because this is the first time she's watched footage of her breakup with Matt. To refresh your memory, she is the one who shot right to legendary status when she broke up with Matt by telling him he wasn't her "person." 

She reiterates that she had her doubts heading into hometowns and hoped her family would provide reassurance about where she was headed with Matt, but when they didn't, it confirmed her doubts. She adds that she doesn't regret how it turned out because Matt now has three women who are all-in with him.

So we've covered Katie, Pieper and Serena P., but who did we miss? Oh that's right, the person....

WHO SHOULD BE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE

Because I am so shy and quiet about the things I like, I probably haven't made it clear that Abigail should be the next Bachelorette. She's just one of the kindest and most genuine people to come on this hamster wheel of garbage of a show and she stands out because she has this very specific thing that we rarely see....a personality. GASP. And also, obviously, she's stunning. 

During her interview, she says that meeting Matt and getting the first impression rose was probably the closest she's ever felt to love at first sight. And Matt gave her so much assurance every time they were together until, well, he didn't. But she says she's a better version of herself now (which, I mean how, if her prior version was already peak) and she's ready to share this version of herself with someone who wants her. CRIES. Also crying because Magi wasn't in attendance meaning we got zero Magi'Gail moments. Sensing this shortcoming, Abigail did give us this on IG:

They were roommates! Which explains the best friendship. This happens in so many roommate situations, especially when one roommate is Korean, just ask Dr. Chloe. Happens 60% of the time, every time.

Oh yeah, I guess we should hear from Matt

Now that we've spread mess all over the stage by first confirming Victoria and MJ are still shitty and then making several of the women relive their breakups with Matt, it's time to bring Matt out! The conditions are swell out here!

Several of the women openly laugh at his new beard and someone even calls him "James Harden" (me, it was me). After laughing at his new Chia pet, the women then use the opportunity to be brutally honest with Matt by.......thanking him?? Yes, they thank him for dating them all at the same time and then dumping them on national television. This confused me more than the beard, tbh.

Because the producers thrive on creating a wave pool of emotions, after letting Matt feel uplifted by thank you's, they then bring him back down by showing a montage of clips of him kissing with his eyes open:

With everyone cracking up and the women confirming this was in fact a very weird thing to do, Matt tries to somewhat defend himself by saying he likes eye contact. But, um....when you're staring at someone and their eyes are closed, it's not technically "eye contact." I've learned this firsthand as several people have complained that they "do not like it" when I stare at them through their window as they sleep (who knows what anyone likes these days!).

And that's it! Honestly not that much telling, but I welcome any setting for us to have more proof that Abigail should be the next Bachelorette, so.

See you for Fantasy Suites next week (and the Finale the following week!). Til then, find me lurking around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by Michelle asking specifically about me:

Sadly no Michelle, I'm still here and will be until season 4,095 of this show, which is probably only a couple of years away (we'll get into who she's actually talking about soon). 

It's "hometowns" week! I am astonished we made it here because there were still 45 women here last week and now we're down to 4?? Even though I *just* passed my required college math class, even I can recognize how big of a differential that is. 

Anyway, Matt is excited and nervous because, as he so poetically shares, "You only get one first impression." Wow, thanks Matt for translating what "first impression" means for us. And people think he's not deep. Let's jump in!

Michelle is entirely too good for Matt

Michelle is up first and Matt really kicks the love up a notch by showing up in the same top as her.

While they can't visit Michelle's hometown in Minnesota, Michelle has still planned a fun day that will show Matt what's important to her and close to her heart. This begins with riding bikes (because Michelle and her family often went on evening bike rides) and holding hands and yes this is one of those Notebook-level things I find completely adorable.

Next, she surprises him with a Zoom meeting featuring a bunch of her students back home, who proceed to ask Matt a bunch of random, kid questions. 

From this, we learn that Michelle genuinely loves being a teacher (and we're reminded she's entirely too good for this show and for Matt). We also learn that Matt has apparently still not gotten that seed out of his teeth:

After a fun day of wearing matching sweaters, Matt meets Michelle's parents that night, who are so incredibly sweet.

Matt tells Michelle's dad that he likes how Michelle "tells it like it is" and has strong convictions. Her dad then asks if he's in love with her and Matt's like "lolllll wut" (and okay he does admit he's falling in love with her). 

Even though Michelle was one of the later arrivals, she tells her mom that none of this feels fast and that if Matt proposed tomorrow, she'd say yes. And overall, Michelle's parents seem to like Matt because they can tell he makes her happy and they're supportive of whatever Michelle decides. They then wrap up parents time with a game of 2-on-2 and Michelle's mom is like BUCKETS!! 

With our first hometown coming to a close, an old friend is brought back into our lives — the ol' Bachelor Bench:

Matt tells Michelle he's happy with how their relationship has progressed and she tells him that meeting her parents was a big step for their relationship and that she's falling in love with him. And the bench tells them both "I've heard that before."

When the racism is just tearing through you

Racist Rachael is up next and she decides to surprise Matt with skydiving before meeting her parents. 

We get plenty of hints that this segment of the date will fall apart beginning with the fact that her sweater is literally falling apart, and then the plane they're jumping out of is being held together by tape:

And to top it all off, the skydiving instructor she's attached to looks maybe 14. Seems fine! After they jump out of this duct tape plane, things are fun and (literally) breezy until Rachael's landing where she essentially slams into the ground. Matt jogs over to "help" her, which primarily consists of asking if she's okay while being disgusted by how much grass is in her mouth and hair and nose. 

This incident then becomes referenced as a sort of life-or-death experience, as if Rachael was just free falling thousands of feet without a parachute as opposed to simply not following instructions for properly landing. Matt reiterates how worried he was and that it made him realize how much he cares for her. And he shows her he cares by making her hold his long ass legs even though she just slammed into the ground and told him her back was hurting. MEN.

Later during the parents meeting, Rachael tells her mom she's in love with Matt and if he proposed tomorrow, she'd say yes. Her mom asks if she's seen any red flags and we learn that Rachael does not know what "red flags" are because she says no, even though the fact that Matt is the Bachelor is in fact, one giant red flag.

Rachael's dad is skeptical about this entire thing as is evident by his skeptical drinking face:

I mean and also because he literally says he's skeptical. Anyway, this conversation between her dad and Matt ensues:

Rachael's Dad: How can you be serious about Rachael when you're dating 3 other women
Matt: LOLLLLL pretty cool right, but yeah I like Rachael a lot and when I'm with her, I'm only thinking about her
Rachael's Dad: I bet you say that to all the women though
Matt: What no, never, I am always very original with the things I say. And I'm here to tell you that I'm falling in love with Michelle, I mean Rachael, your daughter is Rachael right, lollllll

Those LOLs are not an exaggeration, he really does laugh to begin and end almost every sentence.

In the end, her parents say they're here to support her and if she wants to be with Matt, they're happy for them. Matt and Rachael then follow Bachelor protocol and retire to a rickety old bench outside where Rachael tells him she's falling in love with him:

Honestly, this is the worst bench of the episode. Zero stars, would not sit on again. And you let me know what shaped things it looks like are on the antique fence looking thing behind them. 

A reminder that Bri quit her job for this man

For their date, Bri tells Matt she's planned something that is "payback" for when he almost killed her on an ATV during their first date.

As a note, the "payback" isn't her gymnast vaulting into Matt's arms, it's that they're going off-roading in this really ugly Jeep. They eventually reach a little area to sit and chat in and you're probably wondering, oh which super scenic area among these gorgeous red and orange and yellow fall trees did the producers pick?

Mmmm nothing screams romance and love more than dead trees and grass and weeds. THIS WOMAN QUIT HER JOB AS A COMMS MANAGER AND THIS SHOW CAN'T EVEN PROVIDE A GRASSY SPOT FOR HER TO SIT ON.

Later, Matt brings a giant stuffed bunny as a gift to meet Bri's mom and her best friend, who coincidentally enough, is also named Bri.

I'm guessing the bunny is actually for Bri's younger baby sister who as "younger baby sister" implies, is a baby. And like, I don't know a lot about babies, but I know enough to know that you can't put a giant 10 pound stuffed animal in their crib. The only other option here is he's gifting one of these grown women an oversized bunny, which is also weird, so all in all this is a terrible gift is what I'm saying.

Bri's baby sister joins the party for a bit and you can actually see and smell Matt's fear:

While Bri is holding and hugging her baby sister, Matt nervously stares like the baby is going to cling onto him at any point. Looking like he's holding-in-a-fart, Bri's mom asks if the baby makes him uncomfortable and he's like "[LOUD NERVOUS LAUGHTER] no not at all [LOUD NERVOUS LAUGHTER] I am not nervous at all [LAUGHTER WHILE ALMOST CRYING FROM NERVOUSNESS]." 

When Matt chats with Bri's mom, he tells her that he connects with Bri on a completely different level than the other women because they have so many shared experiences from growing up with a single mom. Then Matt, who remember told Rachael's dad that he doesn't say the same thing to all of the women, tells Bri's mom that he's falling for Bri — which is the same thing he's said to all of the women (and their families). His conversations with every family have just been copy/pasted over and over.

During Bri's conversation with her mom, she admits she's falling in love with Matt, but scared about it. She starts crying and Bri's mom wipes her tears with THE NAPKIN THAT ALL MOMS ALWAYS SEEM TO HAVE???

How do all moms have access to napkins all the time? Simply amazing.

Bri's mom reassures her, saying the "worst case scenario" is they'll have to mend a broken heart together and anyway, CRIES BECAUSE THIS IS THE SWEETEST, MOST LOVING MOM THING TO SAY. And as a note if it happens, Bri will also have help from at least one IG sponsorship for protein shakes or wellness gummies (code BRI10, swipe up!).

The date then concludes ON THE SAME BENCH AND CREEPY VINTAGE BACKDROP FROM RACHAEL'S DATE. So this show won't get her green grass OR her own bench, even though she QUIT HER JOB TO BE HERE?!!! I QUIT THIS SHOW.

Jk, I'm back. Oh right, Bri also tells Matt that she "feels like" she's falling in love with him. 

I think Serena might not like him, eh

Serena is our last hometown date and she tells Matt she's "bringing Canada" to him. We quickly learn that the bringing of Canada does not include Celine Dion, Drake or Ryan Gosling, but instead, means this: 

My only guess is they simply ran out of budget by the time Serena's date rolled around. While surrounded by more Canadian flags than I think are in actual Canada, Serena quizzes Matt on Canadian trivia and okay sure sure let's get to THE REAL STAR OF THE DAY:

They eat a bunch of Canadian foods including poutine and can't you just tell how crispy those fries are. They're so delicious we even get scenes of Matt and Serena actually eating them, something that only occurs maybe once a season.

After filling up on poutine and other meats and desserts, they head outside to play hockey because that doesn't seem risky — being in a fries- and meat-induced haze while standing in shoes that have knives attached.

Throughout this date, especially this part, Serena seems like she is forcing herself to be excited about spending time with Matt.  She keeps saying "This is fun! I'm so excited!" and okay Jessie Spano, we get it, something is off.

Later that night, Matt meets Serena's family and this is just the first of many amazing and relatable reactions her sister gives us over the course of the evening:

Matt tells Serena's mom that he's been interested in Serena since the beginning because she's smart, beautiful and challenges him when he takes on her wack ass dates like tantric yoga.

Meanwhile, Serena sits down with her sister to talk, who immediately asks if she's in love with Matt. Serena says she's falling in love because he "checks so many boxes" and is "good on paper," which "good on paper" is in the same camp as telling someone they're photogenic, like you look great in photos! Ugly in real life, but in these photos! Anyway, this is Serena's sister's face while Serena is skirting around actually talking about loving Matt:

Can't you just hear her saying "UMMMM, okaaaaaay, sooooo..." Her sister eventually says she can tell Serena isn't smitten with Matt and hearing this forces Serena begin to face the fact that she does not actually love him (gasp).

This doubt intensifies when Serena talks with her mom and she admits there's something that she can't quite put her finger on that's causing her to doubt her feelings. I'm not usually one to grab someone's finger (unless they tell me to pull it, you know, for a fart noise), but I'm here to put Serena's finger on what's causing her doubt and it's that DO ANY OF US REALLY KNOW MATT??? THIS MAN HASN'T SHARED ANYTHING ABOUT HIMSELF??? I THINK THE STRONGEST CONNECTION HERE IS BETWEEN HIS PELOTON AND THE WIFI???

Anyway, Serena came into this family meeting seemingly sure of her feelings for Matt and is leaving with, well I'll just let her sister's face speak for her current feelings about Matt.

Love how she's like, I am never seeing this man again, so, BYEEEE.

During their designated bench time on a bench that is camouflaged by the house, Matt provides plenty of awkward silence for Serena to fill by admitting she's falling in love with him (as he's expected all of the women to say). 

Looking at this picture hurts my head because of this show is in general, but also because of how much that bench is blending in. OPTICAL ILLUSION BENCH. Sort of like how Serena's feelings have been an illusion, OHHHH BRINGING IT FULL CIRCLE.

She ends the night by being the only woman to not say she's falling in love with him, which I have to applaud.

However, this just won't do. Matt needs all four of his girlfriends to say they're obsessed with him before he can feel good about dumping one of them. So before the Rose Ceremony, he stops by Serena's room to talk. He actually opens up for maybe only the second time this season, telling her that he was intentional about spending the most amount of time with her because he can see a life with her. And this is her face, letting us know she's about to break up with him like a Nature Valley granola bar:

She tells him she's had her doubts and she now knows for sure that he isn't "her person." We then get the longest silence ever as Matt's brain tries to process that a woman is in fact breaking up with him.

He finally says he can't force her feelings before repeating "this stinks" over and over, honestly to an extent that it made me wonder if something in the room actually did stink? Things end with him asking her to walk him out, which for a second makes it seem like Serena is the Bachelorette and she's sending Matt home, lolllll.

So with Serena gone, that means......

3 roses and 3 women left, I wonder what will happen

It's like an episode of Oprah's Favorite Things because Matt's like "YOU GET A ROSE AND YOU GET A ROSE AND YOU GET A ROSE." However, because she gets the last rose, Bri wonders if she would've gotten one had Serena still been here and HOW DARE THIS MAN MAKE HER DOUBT HERSELF WHILE SHE'S WEARING THIS AMAZING DRESS:

Also, I cannot scream about this enough, SHE QUIT HER JOB FOR HIM. HER JOB. AS A COMMS MANAGER!!!!!

We end the evening with Matt saying "We're so close to the end, I can smell it," and again, is there an actual smell in the room. Why are we getting so many scent-related descriptors. 

And that's it! We're onto Fantasy Suites next week and I know I say this every season, but dear God I cannot wait for this all to be over. Mostly because I think we can all agree that Matt has no real chemistry with any of these women, right.

See you next week! Til then, find me lurking around Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).