Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by Michelle's student making the face that I'm making most of the time, either on my actual face or on my heart:

I'm most notably making this face when I realize while watching this show that I am in fact.....still watching this show. Ick.

It's week 2! Meaning we're still opening the wrapper of this Nature Valley granola bar of a season to learn that oh God there's crumbs and mess everywhere. Let's jump in!

"Well, that was awful"

For the first group date, Michelle invites man, man, man and also several other men (I can't be expected to know names yet) to participate in tests of their math, science and spelling skills against the smartest people to appear on this show since Michelle:

A few of Michelle's 5th grade students ask the guys questions, beginning with some basic math problems, including the standard SAT question of "How many times is it acceptable to call Michelle beautiful in a day?" Most of the guys respond with "infinity," but Pizzapreneur Peter decides to ~*sTeP oUt oF tHe bOx*~ with this response:

What the hell does "bell heart" mean. I'm also mad because Dax Shepard's response in the back clearly says "The limit does not exist," but it's blocked by this cheeseball.

He's front and center for a good (read: stupid) reason as we quickly learn that this cheeseball is about to be our new (temporary) villain. We get entirely too many clips of him saying corny things to Michelle in an effort to stand out, mixed in with totally unsurprising interview clips of him saying he has an "alpha presence," which just means that he calls women "females" and thinks that Joe Rogan is the smartest man on the planet.

Will becomes increasingly annoyed with Peter sucking all of the air out of the room, so when the guys are asked to spell "narcissist," he instead just writes "Peter" as his answer, which tbh is just textbook funny okay. This infuriates alpha, totally secure and self-confident Peter:

What he should really be mad about is how his hair is in a race with itself to see what it can do faster — thin or recede. 

Later, during the date's cocktail party, Cheeseball maturely confronts Will about this:

Haha jk he mostly yells and points while seeing if he can break the world record for saying "bro" the most times in 3 minutes. Also, this is exactly the outfit you'd predict he'd wear, right. There is a direct correlation between receding, but gelled, hairlines and graphic tees.

After hearing the yelling, Michelle pulls Peter away to talk and asks him why he's acting so angry and aggressive. He tells her that this is "totally out of character" for him, which precisely none of us believe because can't you clearly visualize him yelling at the Subway sandwich artist for "disrespecting" him by accidentally putting cucumbers on his sub.

Cheeseball stupidity aside, Michelle does get some quality time in with some of the other guys because remember that is the point of this show, forming connections with Michelle. During her time with Rick, they fill out this mad lib that Rick created so it's written in all capital letters with a Sharpie because that is the default stationary of a stalker:

This whole things ends with them kissing and I mean, maybe their relationship will evolve, but at this current point they have about as much heat as egg salad.

Also of note is Brandon, who apologizes for not being able to spell "protein" or "entrepreneur" correctly, but who promises to "try his best, no matter what" for Michelle:

This is so corny and Michelle calls him out for it, but the difference between his corny and Peter's corny is that Brandon is hot. A key difference.

Michelle is ultimately fine with him not being a good speller because he's a good kisser and I mean, you can't be both. Brandon gets the group date rose.

But enough with our faux villain, let's get to....

The season's real villain

Jamie gets the season's first one-on-one and we capture our first red flag from him when he responds to his date card not by talking about how excited he is to spend time with Michelle, but by rambling about how she needs to impress him and convince him that she can fit into his "adventurous" life. And omg I had no idea we entered some alternate universe where this is actually Jamie's season of The Bachelor, wow, technology is amazing! These men are exhausting.

Speaking of exhausting, they spend the first part of their date rock climbing.

This is actually a pretty cool and legit date as opposed to other "adventurous" dates the show has planned where the couple does something like rappel down the side of a coffee table.

Later, the evening portion of the date takes place at the table where the producers store all of the show's candles:

Jamie opens up about his family, telling Michelle that his mom struggled with mental health issues when he was growing up and he missed a lot of school because he often stayed home to watch over her and ensure she wouldn't hurt herself. He shares that when he was 24, she took her own life and that has impacted his whole life, but it also pushed him to find something that mattered in life and people and relationships that are worth it. Michelle genuinely listens and feels for him and tells him that she's proud of where he came from and it's amazing what he's been able to navigate through (that's right, no Matt James "thank you for sharing" BS, how refreshing). 

She of course gives him a rose and they end the date in traditional Bachelorette fashion by slow dancing to a singer we've never heard of:

Her name is Caroline Jones, but if I told you her name was Jaroline Cones, would you even know the difference.

So things seem to be on the up-and-up with Jamie, but let's not forget that first red flag because we'll come back to it.....

A one-on-one with Joe that's presented as a group date

The second group date is basketball focused and casually includes two WNBA players:

The guys are taken through a series of basketball drills before they're asked to challenge anyone else to a game of 1-on-1. This ultimately leads to everyone having to watch Michelle and Joe reenact that scene from Love & Basketball:

While she clearly pays him the most attention during this date, it's also like, you can't blame her because he's quite literally the only man who knows how to dribble the ball. Which makes sense, since we learn that along with playing college basketball (like Michelle) he was Minnesota's "Mr. Basketball" in 2011, the same year that Michelle was the runner-up for "Ms. Basketball." 

But wait, the other guys need a few minutes of camera time, so the group is split into two teams for a game and the winning team will get to spend time with Michelle during the evening portion of the date.  

In a shocking turn of events, Joe's team doesn't win, meaning he and his team are heading home right? Wrong. Or well, right, in that Joe's team is sent home, but Joe gets to stay for the cocktail party because he's voted "MVP." Really heavy use of air bunnies because how can someone be the most valuable player of a losing team?? If you were actually the most valuable, wouldn't you have helped them....win??? Just seems like this is like being voted tastiest lunch meat among all expired lunch meats. It's exactly like that, don't think about it, okay.

So anyway, this one-on-one with Joe, I mean group date, continues with a cocktail party where, omg can you believe it, Michelle spends the most time with Joe.

Again, I don't blame her because my watch also only ever reads IT'S JOE TIME.

He tells her that he recently learned his old basketball coach passed away and it hit him hard, but playing basketball during the group date really helped him. And she tells him that she feels a connection with him because they both have this understanding of Minnesota and basketball and aren't those really the only two things people need to know about for love.

Joe obviously gets the group date rose.

Quick interjection before the drama

So as a reminder, Rodney showed up on night one dressed as an apple and when Michelle asked what kind of apple he was, he said he was a granny smith apple even though he was wearing a red apple costume. He could've said so many things — gala, red delicious, fuji, honestly just RED APPLE, but instead went with one of the only non-red apples. This is the most I've ever said apple in one paragraph and for that, I'm mad.

Anyway, during the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Michelle wants to test Rodney's apple identifying skills, so she surprises him with this:

I'm dying at the inclusion of pizza. This actually reminds me of when my Geology 101 professor in college flashed a slide onscreen asking "Is this a mineral? Or is it a bagel?" and literally had us distinguish between photos of minerals and bagels. You will not be shocked to learn I got a 110% in that class.

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Back to Rodney. He proves he will never be an apple CSI investigator as he thinks every apple is a granny smith apple. Except for the pizza. He identifies that as lasagna.

Honestly, this is the most entertaining part of the whole episode. And now let's get to....

The annoying part

Remember when I said we'd come back to Jamie's red flags, well Google Maps says we've arrived at Red Flag Central, so we're back. 

After listening to too much Billie Eilish, Jamie decides he's ready to be the bad guy and starts stirring up rumors about how Michelle and Joe knew each other before arriving. He "suddenly" remembers that before leaving for the show, some "friends" happened to see Michelle at a restaurant in Minneapolis with her "light skinned basketball player boyfriend." He decides he needs to confront Michelle about this rumor that he literally just started.

After acting all tough with one of the other guys and saying that he cares a lot about this rumor (that he started), Jamie sits down with Michelle and immediately says he "personally" doesn't care about what happened in her past. And y'all, the gaslighting fumes, they are thick. He tells her that there's "other people here" who might be questioning her past with Joe and there's a rumor "spreading" that she had a "light skinned boyfriend" back in Minnesota. The way Jamie is presenting this dramatic tale as if he is not the author is truly wild. She asks him if the "questioning" is getting to a point that's disrespectful and he says "it's getting there," which actually is true, except, HE IS THE ONE DOING THE DISRESPECTFUL QUESTIONING?? 

This conversation then makes Michelle start doubting herself, so she addresses all of these Dum Dum suckers at once:

She gets to the point in telling them that her and Joe exchanged a couple DMs before he ghosted her (lol memories) and night one of the show was her first time meeting ALL of them. She then gets to this rumor about her supposed "boyfriend," saying that because she's a Black woman and was seen at dinner with a tall Black man, it's immediately assumed that he's her boyfriend, when like, she doesn't think the same would be true if she was out to dinner with a white guy. She then says she's open to answering any of their questions, but none of them ask anything because this is literally the first time almost all of them are hearing about this rumor that all of them were allegedly concerned about (I'm tired).

With the silence awkwardly lingering, she leaves, saying she needs some time to think. The guys then spin out into Clue mode trying to figure out who murdered the truth with the candlestick in the library. And anyway here's Jamie's stupid face trying to avoid all eye contact:

While the guys are going around asking "Who said this to Michelle and ruined the evening??" Jamie's dumbass is on the sidelines like "Omg yeah, who said that to Michelle, that's wild, whoever did that" AND Y'ALL ALL RED FLAGS HAVE BEEN RAISED.

As a result of Jamie's episode of Gossip Girl, Michelle cancels the rest of the evening and gets right to the Rose Ceremony, which like.... 

How late are these Rose Ceremonies happening

Based on how haggard all of the men look, I'd guess approx 2.5 days has passed between when Jamie stirred up drama and the actual Rose Ceremony. Pardeep was literally sleeping, poor guy.

Unfortunately, our sleeping beauties Pardeep and PJ (on the far right) are sent home along with Alec and Daniel (do those names mean anything to you). 

So we're down to 19 guys which is 1 Jamie too many. Hoping that Aaron shows up from Katie's season to reveal the truth about everything (jk please no one new show up). Wait which speaking of, with Katie and Blake ending their engagement, do y'all think he'll show up next week because Michelle is exactly his type (Bachelorette).

Guess we'll have to see! Til then, find me lurking outside your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

First off, apologies for not posting about the BIP finale but it was pretty clear I needed to take some time to reflect on my terrible choices since my two obsessions (Brendan and Ivan) ended up being two red flags disguised as men.

But I'm happy to report that after some Christina Aguilera "who is that girl I see" reflection, I have changed in no way and will continue to go down with this ship.

Fortunately though, this ship has a new captain:

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Michelle! Who you may recall as being ENTIRELY too good for boring ass Matt and also truly the best woman to ever be on this sewage water of a show. Long story short, I want Michelle to find a good ass man (I'll let you decide which word I'm emphasizing there) more than I want it for myself because that is a normal and healthy mindset to have.

Enduring seasons with Peter, Matt and Katie was like being trapped in a fart filled car, but now Michelle is finally that breath of fresh air. So let's jump in and get to know her again, beginning with....

A reminder that Michelle is gorg

She's also a 5th grade teacher from Minneapolis who played four years of basketball in college. So it's like okay, we get it, sometimes God gives with both hands.

During her intro, we meet her parents who have been married for 33 years.

Inspired by her parents, she's hoping to find someone to form a long lasting relationship with and anyway I'm mostly sharing this screenshot because both of her parents are wearing the ULTIMATE dad and mom shoes, which I love. Also that fruit salad tho.

As a note, Michelle's season is set in Indian Wells, CA, probably because Freddie Prinze Jr.'s hometown of Albuquerque needed some time to clean up the sludge of back-to-back seasons. Now let's get to meeting some favorites from night one....

"Better Nayte than never"

Nayte is a 27-year-old sales executive from Austin which who cares about that because this man is SIX FOOT EIGHT. He's the first guy to meet Michelle and even though his eyebrows are entirely too manicured, I can't even really tell because did I mention he's 6'8". 

When he sits down to chat with Michelle for the first time, he admits that he has trouble opening up, especially about his family. But after some encouragement from Michelle, he dives right in. He tells her that his parents got divorced when he was young and his mom recently got divorced again from his stepdad who was like his best friend. He also keeps telling her that he's nervous, which I find to be adorable.

At the end of the night, I guess his "better Nayte than never" line resonated because he gets the First Impression Rose (and first kiss of the season):

Based on historical precedent (I'm an academic), Nayte will likely be around until at least the top six. And I don't mind it because he actually does seem really sweet and kind and okay listen, he's 6'8", I would let this mean physically take my heart out and juggle with it.

So Nayte is for sure a front runner, now let's check out some of the other guys of note...

Is this what salesmen look like now

Clayton is a former Mizzou football player who thinks he can bond with Michelle over their college sports experiences along with the fact that his mom is also a teacher. And normally, I'd find this whole midwestern package as blandly vanilla, but he shows up with a yardstick for Michelle to use in case he misbehaves and then actually has her spank him with it. Honestly, unexpected. He's not just any scoop of vanilla ice cream, he's def got some sprinkles. However, we are still subtracting points because WHAT ARE THOSE:

Anytime I've encountered these dressy + soft bottomed shoes in the wild, I've been completely entranced by how hideous they are.  

While he doesn't apologize for those criminal shoes, he does apologize for hugging Michelle with only one arm (since he's hiding the yardstick behind his back with the other) because ONE-ARMED HUGS ARE INCREDIBLY DISRESPECTFUL. Like, if I'm going full ass in for a hug, your entire ass better also be in. 

I imagine this scoop of vanilla with sprinkles will be around for a while.

Has some red flags, therefore, I am interested

Joe and his perfect brows and smile are also from Minnesota and Michelle immediately recognizes him as someone she's met before. When he's walking away from their first meeting, she asks him:

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Honestly, who among us hasn't had to ask this before. She follows up by asking if his last name is Coleman, to which he says yes before walking into the house. She then remembers that they messaged back and forth on IG about basketball before HE GHOSTED HER.

When they talk later, she asks him outright why he just stopped responding, with no explanation. He tells her that this was shortly after George Floyd was murdered and protests were happening in Minneapolis close to where he owned a property and he realized he wasn't mentally ready for a relationship. She tells him she understands and he didn't need to be ready for a relationship, he just needed to communicate (TELL HIM, MICHELLE). And she's super skeptical of his decision to be here now....that she's.....the Bachelorette, but he assures her that he's been going to therapy and focusing on improving and he really is here for her. 

She remains pretty unsure about him up until the first Rose Ceremony because she knows that the only ghost allowed around here is Casper (and by association, Devin Sawa). But in the end, hot Joe gets the last rose:

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Now, I am strictly against ghosting except for every instance that I've done it. And also, I'll note that you can call me haunted mansion because I'd let Joe ghost me every day of the week and twice on Sunday. But I want more for Michelle, so we'll see how he proves himself to her in the coming weeks.

Quick interjection

What is Dax Shepard doing here?? Isn't he still married to Kristen Bell?? Unfortunately for this man, I WILL be contacting Gossip Girl.

Nice to meet you, Brandaaaaaaaamn

This is Brandon J. and he's a traveling nurse recruiter from Portland who's also one of the younger ones in the bunch at 26. He rolls up to meet Michelle in a bed, which would come off as cringe if not for the fact that he is SO GOOD LOOKING. And I guess it's memorable enough for Michelle because she ends up giving him a rose even though they don't have a chance to speak over the course of the night. While he's waiting for a rose, we get clips of him saying that not getting a rose would be "the worst thing to happen here" and I have to come in with a fact check because what if snakes wearing those dressy + soft bottom shoes fell out of the ceiling while Eminem loudly blasted from speakers. Pretty sure that would actually be the worst thing.

But wait, you're probably wondering, why didn't she have time to speak with Brandon? What stupid event could've transpired to take up entirely too much time on this first night?

The stupid event

Ryan is one of the guys we're introduced to before night one and at one point, Tayshia and Kaitlyn (they're co-hosts again, did I mention that) come to his hotel room to meet him and snoop around his stuff. CIA agents Tayshia and Kaitlyn then find a bunch of folders of notes in his suitcase that are basically how-tos for looking good on the show (such as "how to get a good edit" and "how to not be a villain) and y'all when I say a bunch of notes, I mean a bunch. This man must've spent tens of dollars at FedEx to print everything out. 

Tayshia and Kaitlyn obviously share this intel with Michelle who confronts Ryan about it.

I was cracking up during this because he kept trying to hold her hands and she was not having it.

She asks to see the notes and he's like "omg sure yes, I'll show you these totally normal notes I have" and they head up to his room. Once there, she asks him to leave her alone and she proceeds to sort through his honors thesis on The Bachelorette.

I don't know how clearly you can see the clock, but IT IS 4:49 A.M. Unless pages are literally printed on Zac Efron's abs, I will never ever be caught reading something from a man before 8 a.m.

After sorting through Ryan's serial killer'ish notes, Michelle has this conversation with him (factually summarized):

Michelle: WTF
Ryan: I didn't know anything about the show, so my friend's wife wrote all of these notes to help me get to know you
Michelle: But these notes aren't even about me??
Ryan: Well I wrote a bunch of notes while watching you on Matt's season
Michelle: So you did write them??
Ryan: No, but also yes, but also no, but mostly yes and also I watched a lot of prior seasons, but wait did I tell you I don't know much about the show, because I don't

She then of course asks him to leave because this has been a weird turn of events and it's 4:49 a.m. and who the hell is printing things these days??? Toxic ass men, that's who. 

So Ryan's gone, but the mention of serial killer'ish reminds me....

This man probably owns like jars of teeth, right

This is Rick and he actually makes it through the entire first night without blinking once. There is something eerily intense about him and his creep factor is only elevated by the fact that he decided to meet Michelle as a Halloween decoration:

His actual reasoning for this is that he's Michelle's "main dish," which I mean, if that's what he's going for, why didn't he come dressed as a steak. Instead of A HEAD ON A PLATTER??? You will not convince me that this man has not been charged with stalking before. He looks like the killer from every episode of CSI.

Michelle doesn't mind him though and he ends up getting a rose, so I guess we get to see how long he can go without blinking before industrial level eye drops are brought in.

Speaking of the Rose Ceremony...

This is what Michelle looks like at like 6 a.m.

When we finally get to the Rose Ceremony, the sun has just come up, meaning that Michelle has spent 12+ hours meeting these ding dongs and has already had to deal with unnecessary drama. AND YET, not a flaw in sight. How does she do it. I would've rubbed off one of my eyebrows by this point.

Anyway, the guys all gather in what appears to be the hotel lobby (which I now realize is also where the cocktail party was last night):

It always makes me laugh to think about how it probably seemed like a good idea last night to wear a costume but now it's 6 a.m. and you're dressed as a giant apple. 

I honestly don't remember (and it's not important) who all got sent home, but as a sampling (because I'm a scientist), I do remember what happened with these guys:

The two guys in the back in navy suits and the Batman villain looking man in the front got roses. Sadly, the pouffy haired, blinking man and sleeveless suit wearing man were both sent home. 

But now we're at least down to 23 guys, which is a much more standard number of men to be dating at the same time (30 is just too many to keep track of). And look, I'm actually excited for Michelle's season and by that I mean I will scream and throw another TV out the window if she doesn't find happiness. 

See you all next week (please join me, don't make me do this alone)! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Abigail having an existential crisis. Where did this french fry come from and did I take it from its potato family? What is potato, anyway?

Jk this is her reacting to producers telling everyone they'll have to evacuate the beach due to an incoming tropical storm. And it must be serious if it stops the fry eating. 

When they start evacuating, the couples act like they'll never see each other again. Seriously. Joe and Serena cant stop hugging and Kenny says "Who knows when I'll see Mari again." And it's like, you'll see her in 5 minutes because you're all being transported, together, to a different hotel to spend the night. 

Despite God clearly trying to cancel this season, they all return the next day. Blessed. Let's jump in!

"Definitely, probably should've gone a different route"

Ivan says this after Kendall (who he gave his rose to last week) decides to leave because she can't handle watching Joe and Serena fall in love. But I mean, the quote is also pretty applicable for Kendall who only decided to come to Paradise to see if things were really done with Joe (they were).

Before she leaves, Kendall has one last chat with Joe and I'm sorry but this is the screenshot fate gave us: 

She admits that she never stopped loving him and clearly isn't over him, to which Joe asks the MOST RATIONAL QUESTION EVER: "Why didn't you tell me any of this before Bachelor in Paradise?" I love how all of these people think that relationship decisions CAN ONLY be made in Paradise. He comforts her, but tells her that he came here because he knew it was completely over between them. And with that, they hug and Joe is left with his 3 favorite S's: Serena, Socks and Sandals.

But what about Ivan, who gave his rose to Kendall last week and has basically spent no time with anyone else?

"Ivan is kind of having a sad boy summer"

To recap, Ivan was dumped by Jessenia for Chris (barf), got a friend rose from Deandra (but didn't return the favor) and was most recently hanging out with Kendall, even though she loudly holds Grocery Store Joe Fan Club meetings every Monday. So he hasn't had the best time here. But that's not stopping him from desperately clinging onto any woman who breathes in his direction because how awful would it be to have to....GASP....leave the show and return to real life.

This week, right before the Rose Ceremony, he makes a last ditch effort with Chelsea, who has been coupled with Aaron since her arrival. 

Ivan tries to convince her (and maybe himself) that they have "something" since they MAKE EYE CONTACT SOMETIMES. Ohhhh, sexy sexy, wow not safe for TV, EYE CONTACT. In response, Chelsea smartly asks if he's even thought about her before this moment, when he is desperately seeking a rose. And he does some sort of fake laugh like "Omg, of course, this isn't because I want to stay another week in hopes of someone new arriving for me to get engaged to within a week." And I guess it's convincing enough for Chelsea because:

While this is happening, Aaron's carbon dioxide emissions are through the roof, like his mouth is never closing again.

He thinks Ivan basically lied to him earlier when he said he wasn't going to "steal anyone's rose," since he's now out here woo'ing Chelsea. What is this, BachLIAR in Paradise! (Please clap)

Anyway, things escalate and Aaron says he's going to "slap that stupid beard" off of Ivan's face and tbh that's kind of funny to say and imagine. They then stand super close together to exchange lip kit recommendations. 

Wouldn't be surprised if Aaron didn't attempt to fight because he looks like the type that HOPES to get into fights at bars. Guess we'll see next week!

But wait, back to Chelsea, she's having a pretty popular week because along with Ivan and Aaron fighting over her, she's also asked out on a date by one of the new guys, which by the way....

No Neck Ed and Demar are here

Both are from Tayshia's season (let's just stop calling it Clare AND Tayshia's season because it wasn't okay). You probably remember Demar for being a fun guy with a great smile and Ed for looking like a thumb.

They make the rounds, talking to a few of the women to help them decide who to ask on a date and during this, the motto of the season, "You were on my list," makes another appearance:

Maurissa tells Demar that he was the top person on her "list" and Demar says the same about her. I'm no dating expert, but any of these people with "lists" could just.....talk to the people they're interested in, IN THE REAL WORLD? Like, everyone knows they're allowed to date and find love outside of a show, right. This isn't a Santa Claus situation, you don't have to make "lists," you can just.....message people on Instagram.

Anyway, this time the ol' list doesn't stir up any drama since Maurissa is happy with Riley. Demar ends up asking out Chelsea and Ed asks out Natasha and they go on a painting date that includes painting on canvases and also on each other (the typical BOGO deal). 

By the end of the date, it seems Natasha and Ed have formed a connection, maybe because Ed didn't spend 75% of the date screaming "MY BRENDAN???" but we'll have to see what happens next week.

Chicken nugget intermission

There are SO many chicken nuggets in this episode, which is the minimum amount that should be in every episode of every show and in my life forever. I'll just highlight my two favorite scenes and not even my favorite chicken nugget-specific scenes, I mean these are my favorite scenes of this entire season.

Aaron eating one regular serving size of nuggets:

And also, this PARTY TRAY of nuggets that I learned from Tia's Instagram were requested by Thomas for him and Becca to enjoy while bonding over photos of their dogs.

Honestly, looking at dog pics while eating a mound of chicken nuggets is my dream date. Only surpassed by looking at actual dogs in person while eating a mound of chicken nuggets.

Okay, back to business....

These two are definitely getting engaged, right

This week, the producers make Maurissa, I mean, Maurissa decides on her own to express concern about Riley not opening up to her more. She eventually sits down with Riley to talk through it and he starts off by telling her that she never has to worry about anyone taking him away from her (THIS MAN IS THE BEST MAN ON THE BEACH, OKAY). But Maurissa needs more, and by that, she means she needs him to cry.

Riley finally opens up more and tells Maurissa about the hard family situation he grew in after his parents divorced and how his dad essentially kept him and his brother away from his mom for a long time (you may remember him talking about this during Tayshia's season). 

At the end of their conversation, they say they're falling in love with each other and I think we can all agree that these two are the most likely to get engaged at the end of this?? And like, for real engaged, not like when I got "engaged" to a Crunchwrap Supreme on Facebook in 2007. A real engagement!

These two are definitely not getting engaged

After testing out everything on the buffet, Kenny has finally chosen CalaMari and they get a date card this week. Because it's been 3 minutes since the show reminded us that Kenny's "thing" is being naked (???), they spend the time eating tacos off of each other's naked bodies.

At one point, Mari rubs sour cream THROUGH HIS LEG HAIRS and it might be the most disgusting thing I've seen since my own reflection after a 50-episode binge of Love Island. Like, Kenny has a great bod and everything, but that doesn't mean I want to eat carnitas off of it. Who knows when this man last showered. He looks like he thinks getting rained on counts as showering.

After leg hair sour cream, they sit down to talk because, as Kenny puts it, "Engagement is around the corner soooo....we should probably talk?"

They both end up saying they're falling in love and Kenny admits this is the first time he's said it and oh, do you see, can you see, yep it's A RED FLAG. He says the last time he mentioned the word "love" was to his dog, so yeah this relationship is about as strong as cotton candy in water.

A bit of a love Tia'ngle (hehehehe)

As I've noted in several posts, I love Tia and she's one of my favorites from this tragic franchise, mostly because she laughs at her own jokes and makes faces like this:

Buuuut, it's also pretty clear that she is primarily attracted to selfish trash ass men (Arie, Colton, Kenny, etc.), which most recently includes this man whose name I refuse to commit to memory.

He looks like he smells like Axe and socks. But yeah, Tia is VERY into him because he has tattoos and makes out like he's stuffing an entire ice cream sandwich into his mouth at once, so the connection is very deep. But, this man has done literally nothing for her since their date and barely talks to her (omg love it, so sweet).

On the other hand, NY bro James is still pining after her and even sets up a little date for them with these little painted wooden blocks representing the cities they're from:

He clearly tells her how much he likes her and hopes to keep getting to know her, but Tia just isn't sure because I mean, who wants a man who is nice, thoughtful and clearly expresses his feelings?? I mean, especially when you can have a guy with a motorcycle who looks like he's a member of a Papa Roach cover band?

Anyway, because Tia is annoyed with what's his face, it's looking like she may end up giving her rose to the guy who actually made time to talk to her (a concept). Haha jk I hate this show, she'll obviously pick trash bag next week.

But I can't end things on a trash note, so let's wrap things up with some Noah'Gail....

They're not getting engaged, but they're adorable

This week, Noah sets up a date for Abigail that is clearly inspired by my chicken nugget date idea because they just relax in a hammock while eating a plate of fries. This is perfection. 

And that's it! The finale is in two weeks when, remember, the options are GET ENGAGED OR DIE TRYIN. Heads up that I'm not blogging the 3-hour episode next week because mama needs a break and I hate this season, but I'll back for the finale. Honestly can't wait for this chaotic season to come to a close so we can look ahead to brighter days, aka Michelle's season.

See you in two weeks! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).