What Did We Learn From the Grammys?

So the Grammys are kind of like the Oscars for music. Although, the fact that T-Pain has actually won a few of them somewhat takes away from their legitimacy. Prior to the show, I laughed for a good 3 days straight over his comment about "being completely surprised" over not being nominated this year. That's like Duke being surprised about their student body being voted ugliest in the nation, just ridiculous. Anyway, quite a bit could be learned from this year's show. Here's my compilation:

--LL Cool J needs chapstick.

Did you see how many times he licked his lips? In the opening monologue alone, I'm pretty sure I saw the underside of his tongue more times than I've ever seen mine. He kept licking them, at every pause he made, as if to personify a comma. Maybe I'll send him some Burt's Bees. It was during his monologue that I also realized that he is voice twins with Mark Wahlberg. Go on. Close your eyes and listen to him talk, then listen to Mark Wahlberg. SCIENTIFICALLY PROVEN.

--Chris Brown still can't sing and dance at the same time.

First off, Chris Brown looks like an absolute douchebag. Aside from the Rihanna incident 3 years ago, he just looks like a huge tool. And not a useful tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver, no he's like that weird claw like tool that you're unsure of its use. Let me just say, Mr. Justin Timberlake can sing and dance simultaneously like there's no tomorrow, with no issue. I find it hilarious that Chris Brown even wears a mic. We all know you don't sing live, just embrace it. As for the dancing. I suppose it's "krumping" or something of the sort, but I'm not gonna lie, when he dances, I'm really unsure of what I'm looking at. I don't want to say it looks like he's having seizures, because that would be offensive to epileptic people, associating themselves with Chris Brown's dancing and what not. He kind of looks like me when I see a roach. So, this must mean that I have a future in music.

--All country singers are bald.

That's the only explanation I can think of for why they wear their cowboy hats all the time tipped low. For all we know, they have an extra eye they're hiding under the front of that hat. Actually, I wonder if the hair we do see is just attached to the hat. Like they put it on as a full set wig. One of life's mysteries.

--Rihanna's performance baffled me.

First off, I think she might have gotten ready in Ke$ha's dirty bathwater. Then the whole beginning of her performance consisted of her whine-singing like a pre-pubescent boy begging for his girlfriend not to dump him, while rolling around on the floor. Get up Rihanna, you don't know where that floor's been.

--Paul McCartney is apparently aging into an old woman.

During his performance, I kept thinking to myself, "Who does he remind me of?" Then it hit me. He reminds me of that old woman who greets you when you walk into Wal-Mart. Those softly arched eyebrows, that wispy hair. I have this urge to call him Gretel or Agatha or something. Don't get me wrong, I get that he's a legend, and I respect that. But maybe ease up on the Aveeno at night accompanied by a Botox shot. A few wrinkles never hurt anyone. Ask Robert Redford and his rugged manly self.

--Marc Anthony reminds me of the villain in Monsters Inc.

This was a complete epiphany. Again, I kept wondering who he reminded me of. Well, first I was wondering what he was doing at the Grammys to begin with. I think he might've gotten lost on his way to the teller to withdraw money from J.Lo's account. But anyway, remember that bad guy? Randall. That's his name. Whenever they showed Marc Anthony, that's all I could picture.

--Taylor Swift jamming out on a banjo is hilarious.

No further explanation needed. Is it even possible to "jam out" on a banjo? I feel like that's like me jamming out on a flute. Which, by the way, I can play a mean jazz flute. I might have to schedule a jam session with T.Swift.

--Adele is the Meryl Streep of the Grammys.

Seriously. I love Adele. Mostly because her music is amazing, and our voices sound extremely similar, but also because she seems like she'd be the most down-to-earth person in real life. Plus, she has a chav accent AND a dachshund. So, since I too have TWO dachshunds, I equate this to mean we're meant to be best friends. I mean, we have the same dog AND the same voice? Fate. Also, I laughed during the reading of any nomination with her in it, because the other nominees must've known the outcome. It's like when you decide to eat the fish tacos from Taco Bell, you just know you're gonna lose.

--Bon Iver looks like an 8th grade math teacher. Period.

I won't comment on the absolute trainwreck that was Nicki Minaj, except to say, only two people can do crazy performances. Gaga, who pretends to be crazy, and Britney, when she was actually crazy. I accept no one else.