Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

The beginning of this week's episode was absolutely infuriating for two reasons. While I want to dive right into those reasons, I don't want this post's thumbnail to be of Lee, so I'm gonna let Kenny segue us into the discussion:

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Reason 1 (and Ursula of the week)
THIS PIECE OF FLAMING T-REX POO

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Lee is an ignorant, racist piece of garbage who the producers are clearly keeping around for shock value. Which is upsetting in itself due to the fact that he is that scum that's hard to scrub from under your toilet bowl. This week, he directed his Billy-Bob-Thornton-in-Slingblade-accent at Kenny, trying to essentially sabotage his every move with Rachel. On top of that, he gave Rachel some bullshit piece of wood he whittled that said "enchanting," which honestly looked like something a serial killer would etch out and leave on your doorstep. Judges rule: Lee is an insane racist idiot. But, in a tiny moment when I wasn't imagining myself punting Lee off a bridge, I realized who he draws his hair inspiration from:

I swear his hair gets poofier and higher each episode. Almost as if his evil fuels his hair height. And you know who else always has big hair? EVERY VILLAIN EVER. Ursula. Maleficent. Donald Trump. The list goes on.

Reason 2
SWAMP MONSTER LEE GOT THE FINAL ROSE

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Again, I know this is because the producers made Rachel do it. Just when she thinks she has overcome this season's dumbassery by getting rid of Whaboom, the producers make her keep this ignoramus. Meaning cute little Diggy and his bowtie and glasses had to go home. AND she kept disgusting ass Tickle Monster and Thinning Hair Man! The ceremony was more confusing than that period of time in my life that I thought Miracle Whip and Hellmann's Mayo were the same thing.

Let's discuss brighter things for a sec so I don't throw my laptop out the window.

Prince Eric of the week: Dean, duh

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First off, can everyone stop with the age difference BS. He's 25. She's 31. Lest we forget old ass crypt keeper men date the Olsen twins all the time. Stop with the double standard. Anyway, Rachel took him on an interesting date this time (as opposed to last week's bogus horse date) up on a blimp where they both got to "fly" it. Which, "flying" seems to just be gently moving around a joystick. A joystick to a giant balloon. Who even knows if that joystick was attached to anything. It's probably some old Playstation controller and the blimp pilot was like "Sure, go ahead and steer this baby!"

Then they made out at some point because that is what you do when on a blimp, and they had the cliche dinner date (which again, NO ONE EATS DURING). But Dean talked about his mom and how he lost her to breast cancer when he was 15. He cried, then Rachel cried, then I cried, so to summarize, everyone cried. And he talked about how his dad wasn't around much after that and how that only inspired him to want to be a good dad one day. DEAR GOD, TUG AT MY COLD, TIN HEART STRINGS.

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One final note on Dean, his Instagram handle is @deanie_babies which I find to be hilariously cute. And he has a bunch of pics with dogs which is a crucial component to considering any life partner.

Prince Eric of the week, runner-up: Peter

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Rachel thought it'd be a good idea to have the guys participate in a spelling bee during their group date because everything about all of them screams "We are good spellers." Our sweet Peter is a prime example, as he perceived "coitus" to be spelled "quicui." Quicui? Wtf is that, a Pokemon? Luckily, what he lacks in literary abilities, he makes up for by actually making me look like this every time he speaks through those sexy ass gap teeth:

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Reminder: Snitches get stitches

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I can't think of one thing we've actually learned about Iggy because all he does is talk shit about the other guys during his one-on-one time with Rachel. He tries to be sincere by starting each conversation with "I care so much about you and feel protective of you" and blah blah blah before diving into some deep gossip session. There are times when I can't remember if this is a reality show or if I've time traveled back into middle school to gossip about Brian asking Kelly to the movies this weekend. What's even more bizarre is that Iggy talks shit, then runs to the guy he's just talked shit about and says "Hey man, I just talked shit about you" as if that redeems him from the shituation. 

When Rachel finally sends him home (fingers crossed for next week), my one wish is for him to be played off with this:

Most important reminder: Rachel is smarter than all of the guys

Can all the guys stop thinking they know what is best for Rachel more than, oh I don't know, Rachel? She's a grown ass, intelligent woman with a bachelor's degree from UT Austin and a law degree from Marquette. I actually feel bad for her during several of her interactions with these idiots (looking at you Tickle Monster Jonathan) and I constantly wonder how she doesn't respond in this way:

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See you next week for (audible gasp) TWO episodes. Will we even survive the drama? Will I travel back in time to when this was filmed to judo chop Lee in the throat? Stay tuned to find out!

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