Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by my guest appearance on the episode.

This is generally what I look like after a night out, so form an orderly queue fellas.

Camels and hot tubs, so romantic wow 
Now that Saint Tia has blessed off on Colton, Becca of course chooses him for the first one-on-one date in Vegas (oh surprise, we're in Vegas this week). The date begins with Becca opening a can of creamed corn by saying Vegas is "the perfect place to roll the dice on love."

Colton and his cheshire cat smile are just glad they've "left the whole Tia situation in the past," WHICH EXCUSE ME RUDE but also THANK YOU FOR BRINGING TIA UP AGAIN. For the first part of the date, Becca and Colton ride on camels, which is exactly what everyone thinks of when they think of Vegas. I'm pretty sure this was just included so Becca could say, "This is us getting over the hump of past relationships," which shot us right to peak corn syrup levels.

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Anyway, they ride camels to the middle of some random ass area THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE A MOTHER FRACKING HOT TUB. YOU GUYS. A HOT TUB. Is there just someone on the Bachelor/Bachelorette production staff whose sole responsibility is to coordinate hot tubs?

Colton tells Becca that he's only been in love once (*cough* Aly Raisman *cough*) and that he told this girl he loved her pretty early on because that is apparently what all of these men do after 15 seconds with a human woman. Becca responds by making out with him and we are reminded that these hot tub scenes are literally just two people sitting in a lukewarm tub since the jets aren't on because it'd be too loud for the mics.

During dinner they kiss some more and ignore what I think is baked chicken and Becca does that thing where she holds the rose as if she's contemplating whether or not to give it to him when we all know she's wearing an "I LOVE COLTON" shirt under her dress.

They then board a tourist Big Bus (wtf) and drive down the strip and are totally surprised when a marquee pops up telling them to kiss. So of course they do!

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Also, I'm not one to judge (except in situations where I want to), but Colton looks like a terrible kisser. Additionally, does he look like a mashup of Ryan Phillippe and Matt Damon?

ANOTHER SONGWRITING DATE? WHY
The other 40 dudes get to go on a group date at the Vegas compound of Wayne Newton, who looks well preserved, shall we say.

Becca, in her pursuit to make these dudes look like complete dodo birds, reveals that this date will entail them all writing a song about the "journey" they're on then SINGING IT IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE. HAHA. So we get lots of shots of the guys sitting in various grassy, nature'y areas as they ponder lyrics set to the beat of Wayne's song "Danke Shoen."

Continuing on this climb toward peak embarrassment, the guys then perform their songs in what appears to be Wayne Newton's luxury basement. Chris thinks he wins the singing competition by creating a song that literally just replaces the words "danke shoen" with "muy bonita." It's important to note that no one wins and in fact, we all lose.

For the evening portion of the date, we relocate to an ice hockey rink because next to camels, ice skating rinks are the second thing I think of when I think of Vegas. Becca spends time with almost every guy while a jumbotron plays what appears to be visuals of red blood cells in the background.

I have no idea what the timing is for this show, but I assume this Vegas episode is occurring approximately 14 minutes after Becca freaked out over Jean Blanc saying he was "falling" for her. Edward Cullen lookalike Blake confesses that he is falling for Becca and she has a completely different reaction (because who can resist a vampire? Literally no one because they can compel you, haven't you seen Vampire Diaries). She says come here to him and they kiss and he obviously gets the group date rose.

Ben Stiller, aka Chris, who doesn't chat with Becca because he thinks he can play hard-to-get in a situation where 400 dudes are vying for the attention of 1 woman, ends up not talking with her at all before she gives the rose to Twilight. He proceeds to cry in the elevator that he's probably not getting a rose and should just go home, before also tearing his diary apart and listening to Dashboard Confessional on his Walkman for the rest of the night.

Omg I did not see this coming at all 
Because the show's producers are more transparent than air and like to recycle dramatic storylines, the Model and the Chicken are chosen for the first 2-on-1 date. Becca picks them up in a Jeep and drives them to their date destination and it looks like one of the worst episodes of Carpool Karaoke ever.

They drive to a MOTHER FRACKING RANDOM ASS CANOPY BED set up among rocks and dirt and we learn that the producers literally do not care about this date and we should feel lucky that they didn't just plop three bean bag chairs down.

Becca pulls Chicken away to chat first, who already has his dissertation about Jordan ready to go. In what feels like one giant run-on sentence, he says that Jordan has been bragging about the ladies in Vegas staring at him and that he "could settle" for Becca. If I could draw a picture of what's going on in Chicken's brain at all times, I believe 98% of it would be Jordan while the other 2% would be "does not know how to sleep in a bed without falling off."

After Chicken's Citizen Kane speech about Jordan, Becca's like "uh okay" and they walk back to the weird bed so she can talk with Jordan.

Model denies everything Chicken said and adds that he is a great partner because he can love a lot and understands what real love is from watching his dad love his mom unconditionally. And honestly, I believe the dude. He's annoying AF, but I mean, he's generally been upfront about who he is even if who he is, is an expired bottle of hair gel.

Model then calls Chicken a "rat ass little bitch," which is hilarious and adds that his biggest power is being himself while Chicken has no power and therefore has to talk about Model. It sounds dumb as hell, but it's pretty true - kind of like that Friends episode when Joey said something was "moo" because it didn't matter, like a cow's opinion, it's moo. Sounds dumb as hell, but when you think about it, it's pretty academic.

Chicken gets sent home and we all rejoice in not having to see his cartoon villain red eye anymore.

During dinner, Jordan has an actual opportunity to connect with Becca free from all of the David drama, so he of course uses the time to talk about his life as a model. And how important the gym and hair and facial care are to him. Becca does not say come here to him at all, and when he does go in for a kiss, she looks more uncomfortable than sunburnt me on a transatlantic flight wearing skinny jeans.

She ends up sending him home and here is how he reacts to it, clearly befuddled and also as if someone asked him to multiply 150 by potato.

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And with that, we rid ourselves of the entire Chicken and Model debacle. Two chickens, one stone!

Presented with no comment

See what had happened was... 
During the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Becca asks Chris about him saying he wanted to go home and he immediately morphs into "Okay okay okay" guy in explaining himself. And like most "okay okay okay" guys, he sounds like an idiot instead of just acknowledging his wrongdoing and apologizing.

Because Becca doesn't outright say "Okay Joey Fatone-Lite, I forgive you and I promise you will get a rose," Chris spends the rest of the evening being a crazy kookaburra, obsessing over wanting to talk to Becca again to convince her to love him. He ends up interrupting Wills time, who by the way is wearing this bomb ass suit.

At first Becca tells him that she just sat down with Wills and then they all awkwardly stare at other until Chris, who is in a frenzied state and literally not blinking, insists that he just needs another moment with Becca. Wills agrees to 2 minutes. Chris then sweatily speaks at 100 words-a-minute which is always a sign of a dude telling the truth.

Becca is just kind of like "meh" to his whole explanation and luckily Wills returns and tells Chris to shoo.

Per usual, all of this drama is worth less than a gold necklace from Forever21 as Becca ends up giving Chris a rose. AND SHE SENDS HOME VENMO JOHN. SHE SENDS HOME THE MOST SUCCESSFUL, INTELLIGENT AND SWEETEST GUY ON THIS GOD FORSAKEN SHOW. I can't reiterate enough how much I hate this show.

And Becca is now approaching what I like to call "The Rachel Tipping Point." It's the point in the show where, sure previously you liked the Bachelorette and thought she was making sound decisions, but now you are sure she is being ridiculous and you can no longer trust her to bring chocolate chip cookies over oatmeal raisin ones to the cookout, let alone pick a life partner.

Luckily my little macaroni Connor is still around
Here are just a few of my favorite moments of the week. These are actual snapshots that my brain took.

I dedicated a few hours to scrolling through Connor's Instagram today because I am thorough in my research and anyway here's an adorable photo of him with his dog Jordy.

And that's it for this week! I just found out Venmo John is in New York right now, so I'm off to get married. As always, find me creeping outside of your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). See you next week!

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's episode is brought to you by last week's "Who is this." I've since learned that his name is Nick. He shows up to the first Rose Ceremony of the episode in mob boss leisure wear that highlights his tiny, white chest, which apparently works because Becca gives him a rose. But the gold chains don't mesmerize her enough, as she ends up sending him home at the end of the episode because she has literally never interacted with him and likely only gave him a rose before because she thought he was the pizza delivery guy.

The injured chicken returns

Chicken returns to the house just before Rose Ceremony #1 and Becca gives him Clay's rose...I mean a pity rose...I mean a rose. She then tells him to go lie down because he needs rest and honestly I can't believe she didn't say something like "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me." OOOOOOO. I'm generally annoyed with David because it seems like his sole purpose of being on the show, aside from assaulting floors with his face, is to argue with Male Model Jordan. He obsessively talks about him like me at a Shawn Mendes concert and it's just sad.

Okay and also, the other guys welcomed him back like he got injured saving a litter of puppies from a house that was on fire atop a mountain. And I'm not saying that I need my man to be immune to injury, but I would like my man to be able to win in a fight against a bunk bed. Call me old fashioned.

Also, all of the shots we were provided of his busted face and bloodshot eye made him look like a Batman villain.

I can so clearly hear him saying "GOTHAM IS MIIIIIINE."

WHURR THE POPCORN

After Chicken returned and Male Model Jordan was multitasking by lifting his eyebrows and complaining at the same time, all I could think about was how that candle-lamp-thing looked like a popcorn machine. I'm including a photo of a popcorn machine for those of you who just time traveled to now from 1800. It made me want popcorn real bad.

Speaking of Jordan, Becca gives him this pair of gold hoochie shorts as a joke and wow I totally didn't see this coming:

It seems his only bit is....showing his bits (WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH, NO NEED TO APPLAUD).

No.

This is Lincoln defending his theory that the earth is flat because "everything looks flat from a plane" and if it were round (like he is gesturing), how does the ocean not fall on top of us? He also believes we don't fall off the earth because of friction. FRICTION. Anyway, all of this is moot because we have already written Lincoln out of our lives per his conviction of indecent assault and battery of a woman on a cruise ship. While he was just convicted (after filming ended), he was charged back in 2016, so um, this seems to be a pretty big item to miss on the so-called "thorough" background check ABC does. 

"Garrett makes such good eye contact and is tall"

Speaking of people we have written out of our lives, it's racist-bigot-idiot-garbage-bag Garrett! Becca chooses him for the first one-on-one date in Park, Utah, (where we have relocated for this episode) because of his ability to be tall and maintain eye contact at the same time. RENAISSANCE MAN! They do some cheesy 90s romantic comedy shit like trying on hats while taking photos with a DIGITAL CAMERA (what even) and the entire date is more vanilla than Vanilla Ice eating Vanilla Wafers. We learn that Garrett was married before and got a divorce after 2 months because "she was emotionally abusive." He also says that he thinks he fell in love with and married the wrong person, which yes you idiot, that is why you got divorced. Becca seems a bit worried about Garrett's divorce bombshell but then instead of addressing it further just makes out with him and gives him a rose.

Can someone Venmo me a John

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For the group date, Becca brings all of the guys to a quasi-lumberjack competition which seems pretty risky for a group of dudes wearing tight skinny jeans. The highlight of this is my lil' baby boo/Venmo co-founder John realizing he's way stronger than he thought. He dominates the competition and has this little chin stubble thing going on and I'm sorry did I mention he is actually intelligent? I re-read his "Bachelorette" bio and it says that he enjoys "making his world-famous banana bread." UM DID I JUST MEET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS? For those of you keeping track, this is what it takes to be the man of my dreams:

1) A good face

2) Ability to make banana bread

Omg, I'm kidding of course. The man also needs to own a wiener dog.

In which everyone is embarrassed and everything is terrible

So Jean Blanc uses his one-on-one time with Becca to first give her this perfume that he "made" by printing cursive font onto a label and gluing it over the original label for a bottle of Miss Dior.

He then goes in for what may be one of the least chemistry-filled kisses I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot because I've watched that TLC show about virgins getting married and sharing their first kiss on TV. Becca is about as into it as a vegetarian at a hamburger eating competition. Thankfully, one of the guys interrupts this physically painful moment, but this does not deter Jean Blanc. He comes back and interrupts the interruptor. He then proceeds to tell Becca THAT HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. Y'ALL, HE HAS KNOWN HER FOR MAYBE THREE WEEKS. MAYBE. She reacts by touching her face because this can't be real and she must be asleep in some wackass dream.

After processing that Jean Blanc did in fact profess his love, she tells him that she is OBVIOUSLY not there yet because they've spent less time together than it takes to warm up a Hot Pocket. Things then spiral quickly into Awkward Town and she tells him he should go because this has been weird as hell. 

As Becca is walking him out, Jean Blanc says that he only said he was falling in love because he thought that was what Becca wanted to hear. And with that, the last spritz of Jean Blanc's dignity is down the pooper. 

This whole "I LOVE YOU" then "JK! I DON'T LOVE YOU" ordeal really affects Becca and she cancels the rest of the evening, depriving us from hearing the intellectually stimulating conversation we usually get during these group dates.

Okay Wills is cute

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Becca chooses Wills for the second one-on-one date and they go snowmobiling before cozying up next to a fire with glasses of champagne that neither of them will drink. And while there is generally an "Out to Lunch" sign where my heart should be, a few things convince it to return and say "Awww." One of these things is a guy kissing your forehead:

Most "romantic" things are lost on me — roses (waste of money, I want chicken nuggets), poems (oh God), songs (OH GOD), declarations of love, but the forehead kissing thing actually makes me giggle. Involuntarily. This is the one weakness God programmed into my code. Thank goodness I'm not some sort of secret agent charged with keeping government secrets because our enemies could get anything out of me by kissing my forehead. 

While all of this was sweet, the picnic basket that accompanied their date was random as hell.

It was like one of the producers grabbed a bunch of random props to throw in a literal grocery store basket. Or did we just miss the part where Becca wears a fedora while eating Bugs Bunny carrots? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, ABC.

During dinner, Wills tells Becca that he thought he found "his person" with his last girlfriend. They were together for 3 years and talked about getting married and having kids until one day, out of the blue, she asked for a "hall pass" to sleep with another dude (and Wills could also sleep with anyone else too). Um, I'm no relationship expert, but if your significant wants to sleep with someone else, things may not be going well. Wills admits that he was blindsided by this (and they obviously broke up) to which Becca shares that she too was "blindsided" in her last relationship. To which all of civilization replied, YES GIRL WE KNOW, BY ARIE. I hate how many times his name comes up, not only because he is a human dumpster fire, but also because I'm worried if we say his name too many times, he'll just appear again in all of his boiled chicken glory. And none of us deserve that torture. 

Straight to the biz

For the final Rose Ceremony of the episode, Becca decides she doesn't need the dumbass cocktail party that usually happens before it because she already knows who she wants to give roses to. As a note, the cocktail party is ALWAYS a waste of time. The rose giver already knows who they like and 3 minutes of forced smiling and mindless chatter isn't going to change their mind. 

Becca gets straight to the business and ends up sending home mob boss sweatsuit wearer Nick and Harlem Globetrotter Christon. And then they do their normal cheers with glasses of soapy water. This always reminds me of Tila Tequila's dating show that ended every episode with the group saying "HERE'S TO A SHOT AT LOVE!" And now I'm sorry for bringing Tila Tequila up.

Here's a closer look at Andrew Keegan, who I can actually hear saying YAAAAAAAAAAAS:

Section where I reveal that I take lots of screenshots of Connor

Some of my favorite Connor moments this week (clockwise, from top left):

1) When he spoke while facing slightly to his left

2) When he took his shirt off

3) When he wore a bow tie

4) When he bit his lip while facing slightly to the right

Get you a man who can do it all.

And that's it! Baby boo's John and Connor are still going strong. 

See you next week! As always you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about the Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by this mouth watering plate of eggs and turkey bacon cooked up by David the Chicken, who coincidentally enough cooked up quite a bit of drama as well (see what I did there, wow).

We'll get to that later, but as a note, these are the kinds of pics girls want. Stop with the dick pics and start with the bacon pics.

Now where should be begin...oh right...

GUESS WHO'S BACK

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I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I love Tia. Thanks to ABC for having her in the beginning of this trash fire episode! For the first group date, Becca brings back Tia and her other TV best friends for a spa day in which the dudes give them massages and pedicures and whatever none of that matters let's get to the juicy steak.

Colton is "coincidentally" on this group date that features Tia to remind us that they were in a very serious weekend-long relationship before the show. Becca pulls Tia aside to discuss this because she still can't decide if even though she doesn't quite trust him, she should keep him around because he's hot as hell. And here's how their conversation plays out, featuring Tia's flawless brows and lashes:

Becca: So I heard you and Colton hooked up.

Tia: I'm not one to go after Aly Raisman's seconds, so anyway all we did was kiss

Becca: Oh, coo coo. Do you think he thought you'd be the Bachelorette?

Tia: (internal monologue) Wait a minute, am I not the Bachelorette?

Becca: Do you think he still likes you

Tia: I mean what does "like" even mean? Because if it means he is attracted to me and would like to marry me so we can create our own Noah and Allie in The Notebook story, then yeah I guess so.

Okay, I might have exaggerated the last part. It all ends well because Tia has plenty of wieners to choose from in Weiner, Arkansas, and also TIA AND COLTON ONLY SPENT A WEEKEND TOGETHER. So, it's not like she's written his name all over her Trapper Keeper or something. It's also confusing what these men refer to as a "relationship." By Colton's definition, I've been in a relationship with an XXL pizza. Real hot and heavy. In that the pizza was hot and I got heavy.

So everything is fine and Becca can trust Colton because Tia said so. They return to the group date, which by the way, looks like some sort of cult meeting in a Ramada Inn conference room.

The biggest question I was left with was from Becca's pre-group date meeting with the ladies:

WTF IS THAT ON THE CARB PLATTER? Because to be honest, it looks like croissants, chocolate covered pretzels AND CHICKEN BREASTS? BAKED POTATOES? I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING.

Chicken vs. Model

During the evening portion of the group date, it comes up that "model" Jordan had 4,000 matches on Tinder in a year. This really grinds David the Chicken's gears, who becomes more obsessed with talking about it than your white friend after they "discover" bubble tea. Jordan of course says that despite the 4,000 matches, he's "not really on Tinder that often." HAHA Y'ALL. If you're blessed enough to be unfamiliar with Tinder, let me give a quick summary: You swipe right on people you like and if they swipe also, then you match! So, two people have to participate. But he didn't really go on it that often, just often enough to get 4,000 matches.

Chicken decides he needs to utilize all of his one-on-one time with Becca to tell her this, which goes down like this:

Becca: So today was fun and...
Chicken: Look, I don't want to throw anyone under the bus
Becca: Okay, so yeah the group date was...
Chicken: JORDAN HAS TINDER AND OVER 4,000 WOMEN THINK HE'S HOT

Becca doesn't seem to really care because she's in a real life Tinder situation and makes a joke about it to Jordan, who only gets angrier at Chicken for pulling a "bitch move" by telling Becca. They exchange some of the stupidest back-and-forth and honestly I've never seen two dudes less capable of engaging in any sort of fight. I'll let the other guys' reactions paint the picture a little better:

I felt more embarrassed for them than I did for Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini that time I watched "From Justin to Kelly."

Model used his time with Becca to emphasize that he's here for the right reasons (to be on TV, duh) and that he's a great boyfriend, likening himself to a golden retriever, which I assume means he'll eat your food if you leave it out and then shit in your bed.

Both Model and Chicken's idiocy prove to be fruitless as Becca ends up giving the group date rose to Tia's ex Colton.

Wait, this isn't the guy from 10 Things I Hate About You?

Becca admits TO HIS FACE that she forgot this dude's name but then tells him that she has a crush on him (great save). I want to hate on her but that's hilarious. She straight up says "New phone, who dis" then makes out with him. Not all heroes wear capes. Also, I was shocked to learn his name is Jason and not Andrew Keegan.

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Watches "Josie and the Pussycats" once:

Becca rocks this outfit from Forever21's 2010 "metallic" collection for her one-on-one date with Chris at Capitol Records (which is actually pretty cool).

As a reminder, Chris is the smoothie you get when you blend Chandler Bing's crazy roommate Eddie (from an early season of Friends) with young'ish Ben Stiller:

So they go to Capitol Records where Richard Marx happens to be...right here waiting (lolololol)...to lead them through a songwriting session, because if there's anything two non-musical people want to do, it's write music. This reminded me of a time in 3rd grade when my friends and I decided we were going to start a music group, so we of course needed to build a catalog of music. As an example, one of our songs went like this (totally uninspired by any other music groups at the time): "Girl power, We need some girl power, Girl power, We need some girl power, There's too much boy power." Which, I mean wow, pretty insightful for a bunch of 8-year-olds.

They both write some lyrics about getting to know each other and Richard Marx (who looks miserable doing it) combines their lyrics into a song. This entire date would have been exponentially better if: 1) They didn't have to do any of this and 2) Instead of Richard Marx, Danity Kane performed for the entirety of the date.

Later during the "dinner" portion of the date, Chris tells Becca that his parents got divorced when he was young and his dad pretty much abandoned the family. About 5 years ago, he wrote his dad a letter, trying to re-establish a connection, but never received a response. It's a pretty heavy conversation and ends with Becca giving him a rose. They then have a competition to see who can fit more of the other person's head into their hand.

In which Chicken gets into a fight...

....with the floor. I fucking hate ABC for framing this episode like The Model attacks The Chicken in his sleep or something. Turns out, David is taken to the hospital after falling out of bed and smacking his face on the floor. Chris Harrison, who literally only brings bad news, lets Becca know and she calls Chicken who tells her that he'll be back.

In theaters this fall: The Clay Date

So Becca joins the second group date by, how else, running. Is this a stipulation in the contract or something, that for every entrance, you have smile while running? In any other situation, running toward people while attempting to show all of your teeth would be considered "frightening" and also "alarming."

For this group date, the guys do some football drills before splitting into two teams for a game and none of that matters because this date might as well have been a Nicholas Sparks film starring Becca and Clay. Here's the highlight reel:

The film's sequence of events: 

1) Scene where we meet sensitive football player 

2) Scene where we see how manly and muscley football player is

3) Scene where football player meets the right girl

4) Scene where they have an adorable close-up moment wherein both of them stare at each other in slow motion and realize they're meant to be.

And, because every romantic film must include a dramatic climactic event, Clay ends up injuring his wrist at the end of the game!

He's taken away to seek medical treatment, meaning that this episode has sent TWO guys to the hospital. Proof that the show is not only detrimental to your brain cells, but apparently also physically terrible. 

Luckily though, Clay returns during the evening portion of the date (in a sling!) and Becca genuinely looks happy and relieved to see him. She ends up giving him the group date rose, pinning it to his sling and it's adorable and whatever maybe I thought it was cute.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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In the dramatic finale of this critically-acclaimed film, we learn that Clay broke his wrist and will need surgery. Meaning he has to decide if he wants to leave the show. Which, I think it's sweet that he even debated this for a second. Should he choose his professional football career that is his passion and allows him to provide for his family? Or a girl that he met 2 weeks ago who says things like "Let's do the damn thing"? He lets Becca know and she's sad but understands that family comes first. They share this sweet moment and I honestly think he would have made it to at least the top 3. But at least there's a silver lining in that he is available for me to date. Things work out for the best.

Who is this man

Okay so I thought that if you didn't get the one-on-one date, you get to go on one of the group dates. But that's apparently not the case because this blonde, eye-rubbing dude didn't go on any of the dates! There was a better shot I could've got of him but honestly at this point it doesn't matter because he'll be going home next week.

Edward Cullen of the Week

Blake is the first man this season to realize that GASP Becca is dating like 50 dudes at once because THIS SHOW IS CALLED THE BACHELORETTE. We got many emo shots of him having an existential crisis over his Bella kissing other guys. He also calls Becca his girlfriend at one point and I guess I'm just wondering how many centuries he's been 17 for.

And that's it! With Clay gone, I'm putting just about all of my favoritism into Connor, so here's to hoping he sticks around til the end. See you next week! And as always you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).