Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Finale + After the Final Rose)

This week's episode is brought to you by Constance Wu wondering why the hell she has to promote "Crazy Rich Asians" during the mother fracking finale of this horrible show:

We're in the Maldives for the finale! Maldives. Not to be confused with the chocolate candy, Maltesers. I know many of you were confusing a country with a bag of chocolate so I'm glad I could create that distinction for you.

Meeting the family
Before Becca can have both of the men she loves meet her family, she prepares by doing sunset yoga in a pose that is known as the "Hands Growing Out of Chest Pose."

Garrett is up first to meet the fam. He talks about how much he cares for Becca and details all of their past dates and says that he knew he was in love with her when she came to meet his family. We find out that he pulled a Kim K (omg sorry to bring her up) and divorced his ex-wife after only two months because of some drama between her and his family. She apparently didn't "fight" to work through whatever these issues were so he thinks their divorce was 100% her fault. WHAT A MAN.

Anyway, he then proceeds to cry while talking to Becca's mom and sister.

Her tells her sister that he will always guard Becca's heart and will choose her every time as if they're going to be in some endless season of this god-forsaken show. Becca's mom thinks that her dad would like how much Garrett clearly loves Becca and in general the family seems to like him a lot.

Next up is Blake (obviously).

Becca tells her family that Blake was the first one she formed a strong bond with and she's been in love with him for a while. When Blake talks with her sister, she says that she can tell how happy Becca is with him and he tells her that they had an instant connection.

Blake also asserts that he gravitates toward strong, independent women (Destiny's Child) and Becca is one of the strongest women he's ever met (he's clearly never bet Ruth Bader Ginsburg who does 500 push ups a day).

We then see a series of clips edited together to illustrate Blake being insecure about her family constantly asking how he would react if she didn't choose him. I was positive he was going to poof into bird feathers when her mom told him that he would be okay if Becca didn't choose him.

In the end, Becca's family all agree that while Garrett is fun and sweet, Blake seems to complement her better and would be a great teammate for her, to both support her and challenge her. They think that Garrett would be more of a risk and they wonder if she would be challenged by him (read: they think he's dumb).

Final dates
For their last date, Becca takes Garrett out on a boat where they "just happen" to come across a pod of dolphins jumping and doing tricks and shit. This show has made me skeptical as hell because I kept thinking that the producers probably hired those dolphin actors to perform around the boat.

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After seeing one of the dolphins spiral out of the water, Becca says it reminds her of a "spiral mac and cheese noodle" which might literally be the farthest thing it reminds any human of. A DOLPHIN AND A MAC AND CHEESE NOODLE? Why do we subject ourselves to this.

During their last evening together before the proposal, Garrett actually says a lot of really sweet and insightful things. And while I still do not trust he isn't a garbage person, him saying "I love her so much that I would let her rip my heart out to find the right person" made me involuntarily release an "AWWWW OH MY GOD."

To add to our extensive list of ignored foods, they COMPLETELY ignore what appears to be a heart-shaped chocolate cake, or maybe it's vanilla? OMG WHAT IF IT'S FUNFETTI. The thing about it is WE'LL NEVER KNOW. We'll never know if that was or wasn't just a heart-shaped ding dong covered in red frosting.

Moving on. For her final date with Blake, they ride bikes to the beach where they then go paddle boarding.

Watching Blake smoothly hop on a paddle board with ease while Becca's lazyass just sits on it is pretty impressive. I don't know if you've paddle boarded before but it requires this thing called "balance." I've only done it once and getting onto it was like watching a newborn deer attempt to walk a tightrope while solving a calculus problem. And my center of gravity is pretty low (shoutout to stumpy short legs). So, I mean, if I was Becca and I watched this 8-foot-tall giraffe glide onto a paddle board, I'd let him propose immediately.

During their final evening together, Blake gives her this time capsule, memory box thing that he "made" (sure Jan).

It has a bunch of little photos of them and mementos and little quotes of things they've said to each other, which sorry but that is the dead giveaway that a little production assistant actually made this. Who the hell remembers the exact things they said to someone? Aside from me about my future conversation with Chrissy Teigen, NO ONE.

They end the evening with a rom-com, forehead kiss because I honestly think Blake is just a collection of sensitive male characters from every Nicholas Sparks novel rolled into one lovable burrito.

One ring to rule them all

Here are the rings the dudes pick with some help (all the help) from Neil Lane. Unlike a lot of my friends, I know very little about the semantics of ring design. Literally the only things I judge rings on are size and shininess. Seriously. The comments I make when I see engagement rings are "Omg so pretty!" followed by "HOLY CRAP SO BIG" or "WOW SO SHINY." Those are my go-to's, and I don't say them flippantly, I mean it. Also in the grand scheme of things, who cares if it's pear or oval or banana shaped, as long as it makes your wrist hurt from wearing it all day, that's all that matters.

And remember: "True love isn't measured by the number of precious moments you have, but rather, the number of carats in your engagement ring." --Kristi McNair, Bachelorette scholar, 2018

Which sweaty guy in a suit will Becca pick?

Both of the guys head to the proposal site looking really dapper which is pointless because it is 85 degrees with 100000% humidity, so by the time they reach Becca they both look like melted candles. AND the show makes them walk miles to either get dumped or get on a knee (equally painful).

Dafuq? This show can't afford to Uber them to the site? I feel like both of these guys definitely had swamp ass after this bit from sweating through layers of a suit.

So Blake arrives first, which history has taught us means he's about to get dumped. For anyone who has watched all 450 seasons of this show, has the proposal ever happened with the first person? Like celebrate celebrate party party! Then oh shoot I have to dump someone real quick, brb.

Anyway, Blake shows up looking sweet and also wildly sweaty from hiking 50 miles and starts to spill his heart to Becca about how much he loves her. Becca cuts him off and is like "Shoot sorry bro, I liked you a lot in the beginning and thought it would be you in the end but as it turns out, nah." And you guys, you can actually hear and see his heart shattering. It's so devastating. He keeps asking when her feelings changed and she pulls an Arie and can't really explain herself. So he tells her one last time that he loves her and then scurries off to cry while she sees if she can lick her own bellybutton.

Becca has a few dramatic moments where she talks to herself and says she's "can't breathe," which is obviously cured by bending over and putting her head as low as possible. After approximately 4 minutes of drama, she decides that's enough and she's ready to get engaged.

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Garrett shows up and delivers his love speech before Becca interrupts him to be like "Omg bro I LOVE YOU and I choose you Pikachu!" And he's ecstatic for her to finally say she loves him and honestly I give her props for saving her one "I love you" for the guy she picked (yo F U Arie, still). He proposes and she's like hell yeah, f'in right, and they kiss and pour themselves the biggest glasses of wine that I'm guessing they still didn't drink even though they've both lost pints of water weight.

And with that sweaty ass proposal, we reach the end of this tunnel that as it turns out isn't a tunnel and is just a circular road that wait is actually just a hamster wheel because we are trapped on this Bachelor/Bachelorette torture wheel forever.

After the party is the...After the Final Rose
During After the Final Rose, Blake gets to relive his dumping live, which is so sweet of ABC to do. And he hasn't seen Becca since she dumped him in the Maldives, so it only seems right that he reunites with her for the first time in front of millions of strangers.

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He asks her again where their relationship went wrong and she continues to Arie him by being like *shrug*. He tells her that he hopes she's happy and he has no ill feelings toward her and he's grateful she was his Bachelorette. Good guy, Blake. I mean, not good enough to be the next Bachelor, I'm pretty sure, but sweet nonetheless.

We then get to have some really enthralling conversation with Becca and Garrett who are together in public as an engaged couple for the first time.

I'm kidding about the enthralling part, they're about as enthralling as stale rice cake crumbs stuck in a public bus seat. This segment mostly includes them staring at each other, Becca squeezing Garrett's bicep, both of them repeatedly saying "Yeaaaaah" and entirely too many orders of fake laughing. Garrett does, however, address his social media idiocy and again apologizes and says he didn't know how much "likes" on Instagram could affect or hurt people. Becca says this caused a bit of strife in their relationship but they've gotten over it together and she's helping to teach him, I guess to not be racist and sexist and anti-immigrant. Sure.

And then the show rewards them with a soccer mom van as a hat tip to how Garrett showed up on the first night in a van and I feel like I've lost years off my life and my cholesterol has skyrocketed from hate eating fries.

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Final thoughts on this boring ass season
Becca's season was like having braces for 5 years only to have them removed to reveal teeth in an even more crooked state. Long as hell, really unsatisfying and oddly confusing in the end. And I was excited for this season initially because I felt like she deserved a chance at love after that boiled chicken effed her over! But then I think we all realized that aside from that drama, there wasn't much else going on. It's why the producers had to continually bring my main girl Tia back to stir the crock pot.

As far as the next Bachelor goes, I'm not fully convinced it'll be Colton or Jason or Blake. None of them seem particularly off-the-charts. Though, this wack ass show let Nick Viall be the Bachelor, so, it's clear that the bar is pretty low. I think we'll have to see how Bachelor in Paradise plays out and also how my campaign for it to be Connor hits the social media sphere.

Thanks to everyone who stayed with me on this Tom Hanks' Castaway raft of a season! Please join me as we sail straight into the dumpster fire of Bachelor in Paradise. See you tonight for that!

Til then, find me eating the crusts of your pizza and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

I leave you with this final reminder of dancing Blake:

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of my locker collage of Connor pics. My little croissant is back!

Connor aside, I hate these "Tell All" episodes the most. They're like cafeteria chicken nuggets: all filler and no meat. And just a way to drag out the season and make us wait for the godforsaken 3-hour finale. So anyway, super excited, here we go!

Welcome to the Jordan Show

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I don't know who Jordan sent a basket of mini muffins to, but it worked. About half of this garbage episode was dedicated to him and his confusing, yet oddly insightful quotes. Some of my favorites:

-"You can't be Mr. Right Reasons but then treat the Bachelorette wrong."
-(to Colton)"You said you moved on from Tia but then you left on her terms."
-"Are you gonna jump in or fall in, David?"
-"If I want to eat Cap'n Crunch with orange juice, I will."

Think what you will about him, he is unabashedly himself. I imagine for Halloween every year, he just dresses up like himself because he can't imagine being anyone else.

Guys I would like to never see again

I can't believe I've never criticized this before, but good lord what is going on with Chicken's eyebrows. It's like they are desperately trying to reach his sideburns. Kind of like him, they're just stretching out for something that doesn't want them. OOOOH DAMN.

And Jean Blanc, the "colognoisseur," which just means he likes to paste new names onto popular scents and gift them as if he created them. To refresh your memory, he was the one who told Becca he was falling for her approximately 25 seconds after meeting her, which freaked her out, causing him to be like "Omg take backsies, I thought that was what you wanted to hear." A TRUE GEM. He spent the majority of this episode begging to be relevant, even going on stage at some point to gift Becca another bottle of Miss Dior that he clearly taped a piece of paper on that likely said "Miss Becca" or something equally as creative.

To gauge how you should react to this, let's go to Jason and Colton:

Sadly, we'll have to endure Chicken during Bachelor in Paradise, but I think we've wafted away Jean Blanc for now.

Guys I don't remember seeing in the first place

These dudes were about as memorable as a poot in the wind. Who the hell invited the scrubs who got sent home practically right after they arrived? Aside from Grocery Store Joe, we don't care about guys that Becca never learned the name of. And actually, that one dude on the far left (the one who Becca knew from home) didn't speak once during this tell all. For all we know, he's just a prop, cardboard cutout.

Guy in the middle with the bowtie is apparently named Christian. After realizing this is his one chance in the spotlight, he throws some jabs at the star of the evening, Jordan. He tells Jordan that his job (of being a model) is something that he does as a hobby, but that he also has a real job (in finance, high-five bro). Well, this ruffles Jordan's feathers, so he proceeds to challenge Christian to a model-off, which sounds incredibly stupid but that's only because it is.

It's moments like this when I wonder how men in general have survived for this long.

Joe is our Freddie Prinze Jr.
Have y'all seen that Freddie Prinze Jr. classic, "Boys & Girls"? To summarize: FPJ is an ugly duckling as is evident in the fact that he has a bowl cut. He meets this girl when he's a teen and they continue to come across each other at different points in their lives and blah blah. At some point, when they meet in college, he's undergone a She's All That transformation, which just means he got a haircut and contacts. But this reveals that under his sweet demeanor and fugly bowl cut is a smokeshow! So sneaky. Anyway, Grocery Store Joe is like FPJ, except he has skipped right to the hot phase. He just seems so genuinely sweet and unaware of how hot he is. And if there's any time I appreciate a man being unaware it's when I'm trying to eat some of his fries. But also, when he's way hotter than he knows.

I bet Joe's the kind of boyfriend who would see you watching Vanderpump Rules in the living room and instead of judging, would sit down and thoughtfully ask "Wait, what did Jax do to Brittany?" A REAL MAN.

Reminder: Wills was too good for Becca

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In the variety pack of chips that is this season that mostly includes plain ass Lays and Ruffles, Wills is the bag of Spicy Doritos. Hands down the most stylish guy and so smart and funny and I DON'T KNOW I GUESS I'LL DATE HIM OKAY STOP PRESSURING ME. During his chat with Chris Harrison, he says that he knew he was falling for Becca when they discovered they both had a love for the same nursery rhyme growing up. PRECIOUS. Too good for this Bach universe.

Remember that really painful time in your life? Let's relive it!
It's so sweet how ABC makes each of these dudes relive their entire breakup with Becca. As if it didn't just happen a couple months ago.

Poor Jason, who was probably the most blindsided by being dumped, cries during his portion. And even sadder than that was the fact that he STILL HASN'T GOTTEN A HAIRCUT.

Let's move on to happier things...

IT'S TIA TIME

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Tia is this season's glitter - she's everywhere and we can't seem to escape her (nor do we want to, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME). If I didn't know any better, I'd think I produced half of this season (or at least, the half with the episodes featuring her).

During Colton's time with Oprah Harrison, he says that he "never thought about Tia," which is laughable considering the fact that he brought her up the most, second only to his tired ass line of "I've only been in one serious relationship." He says that they spent time together before she was on The Bachelor, as if to suggest that it was a long time ago and it meant nothing. To offer some perspective, 3 years ago I was within 25 ft. of Chrissy Teigen for approximately 2 minutes. And that shaped me into the human woman I am today and I think about it every day. So time is moo.

As a reminder, Tia and Colton are both on Bachelor in Paradise. Which speaking of...

ALL ABOARD THE HOT MESS EXPRESS
The most exciting part of this hot dog water of an episode was the promo for Bachelor in Paradise. From what I can gather, there's lots of crying (shocker) and kissing and butt touching which is all in order, but then...

TIA NOOOOOO. HOW YO' ASS GONNA GET WITH SOME CRAZY KOOKABURRA WHEN HOT ASS CONNOR IS JUST WALKING AROUND BEING FINE AS HELL?! I'm seriously worried, y'all. I'm just hoping this scene was a part of some sort of elaborate game of Truth or Dare in which Tia was dared to kiss the guy she thinks looks most like Joey Fatone.

Was happy to learn that my main Carolina girl Jenna is on the season! While everyone is dramatically crying, here's what Jenna was doing:

I'm hoping I can count on Jenna to go after Connor or Venmo John, especially if Tia's having some sort of crisis where she thinks she likes Chris R.

And I suppose I can't end this post without including some mention of Becca:

Either her hair got longer or she's got some great extensions in. Either way, she looks pretty amazing.

And Jesus Christ, there's an entire shipment of Yankee Candles in that room. That's gotta be at least half of the production budget. I'm shocked that the flames combined with all the hot air didn't set the room on fire.

Anyway, we made it through the Tell All! In which nothing was really told and ABC managed to stretch this thing out for 120 minutes. Actually pretty impressive. See you next week for the marathon finale! Where I assume we'll see Becca choose Blake if she has any sense at all.

Til then, find me eating the Cheez-Its in your pantry and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by the show unknowingly filming me while I was showing off my summer bod in Thailand:

We're in Thailand this week! Because I guess they saved so much of the production budget by going to Richmond before. For the record, I've never been to Thailand, but I know I'd be a sweaty, pho'kin mess the entire time (see what I did there). This is my way of letting the producers know I can't go to extremely humid locations for my season.

Becca begins the episode by teling us that she's in love with Blake, in love with Garrett and "falling in love" with Jason. So gee golly, I wonder who will go home this week.

Blake's love is pho'real
Blake is up first. They head to these woods that you're not allowed to make out in. So they koala hug and makeout a bunch to last them through this beautiful hike through sacred grounds.

In the woods, they meet up with a couple of monks who provide them with sage wisdom and advice and to be completely honest, it seems wasted on a woman whose catchphrase is "Let's do the damn thing."

I have to bring up something here that I know you're all wondering too: WHERE THE HELL DID THAT BACKPACK COME FROM? And also, are there snacks in it? And if so, what kind of snacks? Is there enough trail mix for everyone?

Anyway, the monks stress the importance of honesty, compromise, patience and giving in a relationship, which are coincidentally enough all of the things I sacrifice for this show. I honestly compromise my patience in giving attention to it WEEK AFTER WEEK.

They reflect on the sage advice and their relationship and then Blake tops off the moment by creepily closed-mouth smiling at Becca.

Every girl loves a good creepy closed-mouth smile. I can't tell if he's infatuated with her or wants to steal her beauty then cackle like a witch.

During the night portion of the date, Becca tells Blake that every time she sees him, it gets better and better. Kind of like banana bread after you let it sit for a day or so. In return, Blake continues his acoustic ballad of anxiety, saying that he knows she feels strongly about the other guys, but that none of them can feel as much for her as he does.

Becca obviously invites Blake to the Fantasy Suite that is apparently opened using a key from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I love how asking someone to the Fantasy Suite is always done by giving them an envelope to read while you sit right next to them. Has anyone ever said no to the F Suite? Also, here was Blake's reaction to being asked:

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The next morning we find that she Alex Mack'd out of her dress, as it is perfectly laid out on the floor. It's like she poofed into thin air, but thoughtfully poofed, and ensured her dress fell ever so neatly. Science is crazy.

Maybe next Thai'm, Jason
Next is Jason. We know this date is not going to end well based on the fact that it begins with eating crickets. Like sorry, but if you're the dude whose date includes eating bugs that are loud as hell and friends with a puppet who lies, the outlook is bleak.

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Jason says that he's found his best friend and partner and he's ready for Becca to be his fiancee and my only concern here is: does Jason not already have a best friend? Because if you're finding your best friend after coming on a show for 2 months, maybe you should take a moment to reflect.

So they explore a market and some temples and at one point Becca makes some remark about their future. Mentioning a future with Jason hits her harder than a 12-pack of Taco Bell tacos. She immediately feels weird about it. So much so that a producer who looks a lot like Shiri Appleby's character in "UnReal" (omg you guys that show) comes on screen to comfort her by being a good friend and asking her what's wrong. On camera.

Becca says that she wishes she didn't allude to the future with Jason and we know she means business because she puts her hair in a ponytail. When any woman is in a stressful or anxiety-producing situation, the first thing we do is put our hair up. It's science. I polled every woman.

Later they have dinner in a dark ass room lit by what seems to be only one tiki torch. Jason, who looks tan as hell, completely opens up and admits all of his feelings for Becca. Becca responds by being extra as hell and "excusing herself" for a moment.

She returns to deliver an encore of her breakup anthem "I Don't See Us Getting There" and he is completely blindsided about being dumped. But being the sweet guy he is, Jason says that he came into this rooting for her and he will always root for her and hopes she finds happiness.

After he leaves, she retires to the Fantasy Suite alone where she could've put on Spotify's complete playlist of Danity Kane songs while drinking these two fruity drinks and a bottle of champagne:

But instead of doing that while wearing all the silky robes I'm sure are included in this fancy room, she cries while repeatedly saying "What am I doing." I felt bad for her though, because crying while saying "What am I doing" is exactly what I do when I'm near a dog but too shy to ask its owner if I can pet it. And then it leaves out of my life forever. Heartbreaking.

Chrissy Teigen
Okay that isn't a pun but she's half Thai, so it seems applicable. And also Garrett doesn't deserve a fun pun title.

So goofy ass Garrett is last. They decide to go rafting on what happens to be a Thai national holiday, so the river is like a community pool on the first day of summer. Full of people and rafts and also elephants.

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Becca admits that she would love for Garrett to tell her he loves her but she doesn't know "if he's there yet." If we've learned anything, it's that Becca's use of "there yet" is her version of Arie's "I love that." Stay tuned for next season when the choice filler word is "This," finally getting its time in the spotlight.

Later at dinner, she relates the craziness of rafting through people and elephants to navigating a relationship, which is true because they're rafting around the elephant in the room of Garrett being an ignoramus.

She obviously invites him to the Fantasy Suite and I'm always going to think it's weird that Chris Harrison is the one who signs off on these invite cards. Like some sort of creepy fairy godmother saying "Got you this sex room, have fun!"

Okay and I know that this is a TV show with makeup artists, but it kills me that the producers lead us to believe that Becca wakes up looking flawless. I mean, if she does, then kudos. But for reference, I'm providing a photo of what I look like in the morning compared to Becca:

I MEAN, WHO IS WHO?

Just some loose ends to Thai up
Before we can get to the pointless Rose Ceremony, Jason comes to offer Becca a proper goodbye looking fine as hell with in his little white button down and man boots.

He tells her that their abrupt ending was unsettling and he just feels like he needs to talk to her. She tells him that she felt terrible, like she was Arie (because that's as terrible as it gets). He's not angry and wishes her well and gives her this precious ass scrapbook that I'm sorry, but he clearly did not make. For all we know, it's a random book that some production assistant had to paste poems about Shawn Mendes and magazine clippings of Zac Efron in. WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

The final rose ceremony is more pointless than the second set of chopsticks that Chinese restaurants give you in your takeout order of 50 entrees that are all for you. She has two roses. There are two guys she's in love with. GASP WHAT WILL SHE DO.

SHOCKER: They both get a rose. And dramatic music plays as Blake realizes that, wait a minute, Becca likes this other guy too.

And in two weeks, the engagement takes place in the Maldives! Proving that going nowhere cool this season paid off in the end. Before that, see you next week for The Men Tell All!

Til then, find me lurking outside of Shawn Mendes' dressing room and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of The SeiTia Show:

I'll dive into their appearance later because you know I need ample time and space to yell about Tia. We've made it to hometown dates! Which is such good news because it means this longass journey is almost over.

How the show chooses guys

I'm pretty sure the only test is "Can you pick up this woman?" And if you can, you get to come on the show! Can you imagine how many scrawny-armed guys we've missed out on? Also, in my 30 years of existence I've never ran at a man and jumped into his arms. Well except for that one time. RIP to that pancake.

No one wants to harvest your tomatoes, Garrett
Garrett's parents own an agriculture business, so the beginning of his hometown date in central California is spent on a tractor in some fields. Becca says she could picture herself living this life because she "loves to plant things," which is like me saying I could picture myself being a hamburger because I love to eat meat.

Becca then meets Garrett's family. She tells his mom that the first thing that struck her about Garrett was his energy and positivity, the latter of which clearly didn't carry over into his Instagram habits. Becca also says that she's just looking for honesty, which is clearly a lie as we've already established she is just looking for a nice set of washboard abs.

We later learn that Becca feels a connection with Garrett because he's the only guy here who has been married and she's been engaged - so I mean, if that isn't reason to get together with someone, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I didn't particularly care about this entire date for reasons we've already discussed regarding Garett. To be honest, the only item of note is that his brother's girlfriend/wife looks like a cross between Malin Akerman and Sia.

Actually at first I seriously thought his brother was dating Ashlee Simpson and I was like what is American songbird Ashlee Simpson doing on The Bachelorette?

Chackin Wangs with Jason
Next we head to Buffalo, New York to meet Jason's family. I was fully prepared to be mad as hell if their date didn't somehow involve buffalo wings, but lo and behold!

They participate in a 1-minute wing eating contest, which is probably the best date I've ever heard of in the history of dates. But of course both of them suck and neither of them uses the ol' unzip the meat trick (ew you guys not like that), where you put the entire wing in your mouth and just pull out the bones, effectively unzipping the meat like a delicious jacket. And then Becca reverts to pretending like she's in some 90's rom-com by being cutesy and putting sauce on Jason's face. Wing eating is not a rom-com, Becca. It is war. Delicious war. And they've both ruined what should've been a great experience for me.

At one point, when asked if she wants blue cheese or ranch to dip her wings in, Becca says "There's no ranch in Buffalo!" and then everyone cheers as if she invented money trees. This mob mentality continues as everyone begins chanting for Becca and Jason to kiss and they of course do because in Buffalo it's law that if more than 2 people yell at you to do something, you have to do it.

I bet Becca had a hand outline of zits from Jason putting his oily, buffalo wing fingers on her face.

At the family dinner, Jason's mom asks Becca if she thinks she's found her person. Becca says that there's still a long way to go (I mean not that long girl we only have a few more episodes) and relationships to flesh out (not a good enough reason to use the phrase "flesh out"). And I mean, this is exactly what a worried mom wants to hear from the woman who is dating her son and also three other dudes.

Meanwhile, Jason chats with his brother and brother-in-law and tells them that he thinks he's surpassed the other guys in terms of where his relationship is with Becca. He also says when he's with her, "there's only one word to describe it." We never learn what this one word is but I'm pretty sure it's "boring."

Ultimately nothing dramatic happens and Jason sends Becca off by telling her he loves her and squeezing her head like a lemon.

Oh, Blake
We then head to the set of Twilight for Blake's hometown.

JK y'all, Twilight took place in Washington and this is Colorado. Blake takes Becca to his high school and we learn that during his senior year, there was a school shooting. This was particularly scary for Blake because his sister was also a student and his mom worked there. He recalls hiding in a classroom and finally being led out by SWAT and good lord, Blake has been through a lot. A school shooting. His parents getting divorced because his mom cheated on his dad with his teacher/coach. THE MAN NEEDS LOVE.

After this emotional revelation, Blake and Becca or "Blaka," as I like to call them as of 10 minutes ago, head to what I think is an auditorium where omg, a bunch of people and a concert are awaiting! The show never does this surprise ever!

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Except this time, the show actually booked Betty Who, a singer who matters (read: someone I have heard of). She sings and then for all we know ABC just plays a clip from any of their past episodes where they've had the couple dance awkwardly in front of random strangers.

Shout out to this girl who just thought she was coming to a casual Betty Who concert in a high school auditorium and instead has to deal with Blaka making out behind her.

Later, Becca meets his family and his parents are both concerned about this whole situation and don't want Blake to get his heart broken, which is the normal parental response to learning that your child is dating someone who is dating three other people. Y'all, I can't even imagine calling my parents to be like "I'm bringing home my boyfriend. But heads up, he's also in serious relationships with three other women, so you know, play it cool." Mama and Papa Mac don't play dat.

Anyway, Blake's dad tells him to be cautious because if Becca doesn't choose him then...well, he can go on Bachelor on Paradise is what he should've said.

Becca tells Blake's mom that she instantly felt like she knew him and they were on the same wavelength and that she's ready to be engaged again because she's already sold that other ring and doesn't feel like filling in that finger tanline.

Blake sends Becca off by professing his love and kissing her in slow motion. Long live Blaka.

The last section before we get to Tia
Our last hometown date is in Denver with Colton. Becca reminds us that he previously "dated" Tia, something she claims they've "gotten past," which is just a casual comment and not a setup for Tia's appearance later at all.

For the first part of their date, they buy some toys before going to hang out with some kids at the children's hospital.

This was objectively one of the most precious things and Colton honestly seems like a caring guy.

Before meeting his family, Colton tells Becca that he's never really brought a girl home because he takes it very seriously. And for the 589th time this season, we are reminded that he's only been in one serious relationship. At this point, Aly Raisman should get royalties for every time it's mentioned. And wait! Don't put that bat away yet, we're not done beating this dead horse. Colton reiterates that he and Tia only "hung out" once and it wasn't serious.

So now that we've covered the topics we are obligated to hear anytime Colton comes up, Becca meets his family. She tells his mom that she's worried about his lack of relationship (and other) experience, but his mom assures her that she can see him committing and it's clear that he's ready to take the next step with Becca.

Meanwhile, Colton takes time to chat with his dad. And while everyone is concerned about Colton being a newb, his dad is like "YEAH BUT SUP WITH BECCA'S BAGGAGE WITH BEING ENGAGED LIKE A MINUTE AGO? YO, SUP WITH THAT THO?"

Anyway, Colton sends Becca off by telling her he loves her, meaning Becca ends hometown dates week going 4-for-4 on I love you's. Definite resume addition.

Here to steal yo' man
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Becca decides she needs some advice from her "closest" friends, aka the ladies she spent like 12 weeks with and met under a year ago.

Source

Somewhere, her actual best friends are like "Dafuq?"

So Yale Seinne, Weiner Tia, Taxidermy Kendall, Baby Becca and Caroline (who I ran out of nicknames for) listen to Becca recount all of her hometown dates. Let's just relive all of this through Tia's inner monologue because it gives me a reason to share a sliver of the 450 screenshots I took of her lashes and brows:

"I'm so happy hometown dates went well for Becca!"

"Wait, where did I put my lip gloss?"

"Wait, forget the lip gloss. I'm not the Bachelorette. Wtf."

"I wish Becca would stop talking so I can casually tell her that I love Colton."

If the show constantly zooming in and out on her didn't get it away, Tia finally interrupts Becca's live reading of her diary to ask if she can speak to her in private.

Once they're outside on a balcony that is larger than my entire apartment, Tia reveals that hearing Colton is in the top 4 hurts her and has made her realize that she still cares for him. And apparently she just can't imagine leaving without telling Becca. Y'all know that I love Tia. But this is pretty shitty and selfish. Especially since we know Tia is gonna fall in love with Connor on Bachelor in Paradise (If I put it out there, it'll happen).

So we all leave this friend gathering wondering will Becca keep Colton around? Will she send him home to keep her friendship with Tia? Should I get bangs? Stay tuned to find out!

When you finally get to go home and don't have to keep repeating that you've only been in one relationship with an Olympic gymnast

Because she didn't get to see his abs this week, Becca completely forgets why she likes Colton and ends up sending him home. She says it has nothing to do with Tia and she had already made her mind up before their conversation.

Honestly, I was actually pretty shocked because I expected Jason to go. And now, do we think Colton will be the next Bachelor? Or do we think the show will hold off until after Bachelor in Paradise? So we can get to know Venmo John better and he can be it and I can get on the show and we can get married and have super cute Asian babies? I mean any of these options are possible.

What Becca should've based her decision on

These are the dinners that Becca had at each of the guys' homes. I don't even know if this is real food, for all we know it's just printed pictures of food pasted on pieces of styrofoam. Based on these meals, I'd 100% go with Colton because look at that giant mound of mac and cheese. And even though Blake is bringing what appears to be a filet of hot dog, I'd still keep him because of that buttery ass piece of bread. I don't need to provide any reasoning for Jason because the steak speaks for itself. And as it turns out, even in this scenario, Garrett would go because what psychopath fills 2/3 of a plate with salad and only 1/3 with pasta?! A true monster.

So we're down to Count Chocula Jason, Ignorant Garrett and Edward Cullen Blake. Now I'm guessing it'll be Garrett and Blake in the end, and she'll end up choosing Blake. Regardless, the end of the road is near! See you all next week!

Til then, find me sneakily taking pics of your dog and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).