Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by my guest appearance on the episode.

This is generally what I look like after a night out, so form an orderly queue fellas.

Camels and hot tubs, so romantic wow 
Now that Saint Tia has blessed off on Colton, Becca of course chooses him for the first one-on-one date in Vegas (oh surprise, we're in Vegas this week). The date begins with Becca opening a can of creamed corn by saying Vegas is "the perfect place to roll the dice on love."

Colton and his cheshire cat smile are just glad they've "left the whole Tia situation in the past," WHICH EXCUSE ME RUDE but also THANK YOU FOR BRINGING TIA UP AGAIN. For the first part of the date, Becca and Colton ride on camels, which is exactly what everyone thinks of when they think of Vegas. I'm pretty sure this was just included so Becca could say, "This is us getting over the hump of past relationships," which shot us right to peak corn syrup levels.

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Anyway, they ride camels to the middle of some random ass area THAT HAPPENS TO HAVE A MOTHER FRACKING HOT TUB. YOU GUYS. A HOT TUB. Is there just someone on the Bachelor/Bachelorette production staff whose sole responsibility is to coordinate hot tubs?

Colton tells Becca that he's only been in love once (*cough* Aly Raisman *cough*) and that he told this girl he loved her pretty early on because that is apparently what all of these men do after 15 seconds with a human woman. Becca responds by making out with him and we are reminded that these hot tub scenes are literally just two people sitting in a lukewarm tub since the jets aren't on because it'd be too loud for the mics.

During dinner they kiss some more and ignore what I think is baked chicken and Becca does that thing where she holds the rose as if she's contemplating whether or not to give it to him when we all know she's wearing an "I LOVE COLTON" shirt under her dress.

They then board a tourist Big Bus (wtf) and drive down the strip and are totally surprised when a marquee pops up telling them to kiss. So of course they do!

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Also, I'm not one to judge (except in situations where I want to), but Colton looks like a terrible kisser. Additionally, does he look like a mashup of Ryan Phillippe and Matt Damon?

ANOTHER SONGWRITING DATE? WHY
The other 40 dudes get to go on a group date at the Vegas compound of Wayne Newton, who looks well preserved, shall we say.

Becca, in her pursuit to make these dudes look like complete dodo birds, reveals that this date will entail them all writing a song about the "journey" they're on then SINGING IT IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE. HAHA. So we get lots of shots of the guys sitting in various grassy, nature'y areas as they ponder lyrics set to the beat of Wayne's song "Danke Shoen."

Continuing on this climb toward peak embarrassment, the guys then perform their songs in what appears to be Wayne Newton's luxury basement. Chris thinks he wins the singing competition by creating a song that literally just replaces the words "danke shoen" with "muy bonita." It's important to note that no one wins and in fact, we all lose.

For the evening portion of the date, we relocate to an ice hockey rink because next to camels, ice skating rinks are the second thing I think of when I think of Vegas. Becca spends time with almost every guy while a jumbotron plays what appears to be visuals of red blood cells in the background.

I have no idea what the timing is for this show, but I assume this Vegas episode is occurring approximately 14 minutes after Becca freaked out over Jean Blanc saying he was "falling" for her. Edward Cullen lookalike Blake confesses that he is falling for Becca and she has a completely different reaction (because who can resist a vampire? Literally no one because they can compel you, haven't you seen Vampire Diaries). She says come here to him and they kiss and he obviously gets the group date rose.

Ben Stiller, aka Chris, who doesn't chat with Becca because he thinks he can play hard-to-get in a situation where 400 dudes are vying for the attention of 1 woman, ends up not talking with her at all before she gives the rose to Twilight. He proceeds to cry in the elevator that he's probably not getting a rose and should just go home, before also tearing his diary apart and listening to Dashboard Confessional on his Walkman for the rest of the night.

Omg I did not see this coming at all 
Because the show's producers are more transparent than air and like to recycle dramatic storylines, the Model and the Chicken are chosen for the first 2-on-1 date. Becca picks them up in a Jeep and drives them to their date destination and it looks like one of the worst episodes of Carpool Karaoke ever.

They drive to a MOTHER FRACKING RANDOM ASS CANOPY BED set up among rocks and dirt and we learn that the producers literally do not care about this date and we should feel lucky that they didn't just plop three bean bag chairs down.

Becca pulls Chicken away to chat first, who already has his dissertation about Jordan ready to go. In what feels like one giant run-on sentence, he says that Jordan has been bragging about the ladies in Vegas staring at him and that he "could settle" for Becca. If I could draw a picture of what's going on in Chicken's brain at all times, I believe 98% of it would be Jordan while the other 2% would be "does not know how to sleep in a bed without falling off."

After Chicken's Citizen Kane speech about Jordan, Becca's like "uh okay" and they walk back to the weird bed so she can talk with Jordan.

Model denies everything Chicken said and adds that he is a great partner because he can love a lot and understands what real love is from watching his dad love his mom unconditionally. And honestly, I believe the dude. He's annoying AF, but I mean, he's generally been upfront about who he is even if who he is, is an expired bottle of hair gel.

Model then calls Chicken a "rat ass little bitch," which is hilarious and adds that his biggest power is being himself while Chicken has no power and therefore has to talk about Model. It sounds dumb as hell, but it's pretty true - kind of like that Friends episode when Joey said something was "moo" because it didn't matter, like a cow's opinion, it's moo. Sounds dumb as hell, but when you think about it, it's pretty academic.

Chicken gets sent home and we all rejoice in not having to see his cartoon villain red eye anymore.

During dinner, Jordan has an actual opportunity to connect with Becca free from all of the David drama, so he of course uses the time to talk about his life as a model. And how important the gym and hair and facial care are to him. Becca does not say come here to him at all, and when he does go in for a kiss, she looks more uncomfortable than sunburnt me on a transatlantic flight wearing skinny jeans.

She ends up sending him home and here is how he reacts to it, clearly befuddled and also as if someone asked him to multiply 150 by potato.

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And with that, we rid ourselves of the entire Chicken and Model debacle. Two chickens, one stone!

Presented with no comment

See what had happened was... 
During the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Becca asks Chris about him saying he wanted to go home and he immediately morphs into "Okay okay okay" guy in explaining himself. And like most "okay okay okay" guys, he sounds like an idiot instead of just acknowledging his wrongdoing and apologizing.

Because Becca doesn't outright say "Okay Joey Fatone-Lite, I forgive you and I promise you will get a rose," Chris spends the rest of the evening being a crazy kookaburra, obsessing over wanting to talk to Becca again to convince her to love him. He ends up interrupting Wills time, who by the way is wearing this bomb ass suit.

At first Becca tells him that she just sat down with Wills and then they all awkwardly stare at other until Chris, who is in a frenzied state and literally not blinking, insists that he just needs another moment with Becca. Wills agrees to 2 minutes. Chris then sweatily speaks at 100 words-a-minute which is always a sign of a dude telling the truth.

Becca is just kind of like "meh" to his whole explanation and luckily Wills returns and tells Chris to shoo.

Per usual, all of this drama is worth less than a gold necklace from Forever21 as Becca ends up giving Chris a rose. AND SHE SENDS HOME VENMO JOHN. SHE SENDS HOME THE MOST SUCCESSFUL, INTELLIGENT AND SWEETEST GUY ON THIS GOD FORSAKEN SHOW. I can't reiterate enough how much I hate this show.

And Becca is now approaching what I like to call "The Rachel Tipping Point." It's the point in the show where, sure previously you liked the Bachelorette and thought she was making sound decisions, but now you are sure she is being ridiculous and you can no longer trust her to bring chocolate chip cookies over oatmeal raisin ones to the cookout, let alone pick a life partner.

Luckily my little macaroni Connor is still around
Here are just a few of my favorite moments of the week. These are actual snapshots that my brain took.

I dedicated a few hours to scrolling through Connor's Instagram today because I am thorough in my research and anyway here's an adorable photo of him with his dog Jordy.

And that's it for this week! I just found out Venmo John is in New York right now, so I'm off to get married. As always, find me creeping outside of your window and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). See you next week!