Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Men Tell All)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of my locker collage of Connor pics. My little croissant is back!

Connor aside, I hate these "Tell All" episodes the most. They're like cafeteria chicken nuggets: all filler and no meat. And just a way to drag out the season and make us wait for the godforsaken 3-hour finale. So anyway, super excited, here we go!

Welcome to the Jordan Show

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I don't know who Jordan sent a basket of mini muffins to, but it worked. About half of this garbage episode was dedicated to him and his confusing, yet oddly insightful quotes. Some of my favorites:

-"You can't be Mr. Right Reasons but then treat the Bachelorette wrong."
-(to Colton)"You said you moved on from Tia but then you left on her terms."
-"Are you gonna jump in or fall in, David?"
-"If I want to eat Cap'n Crunch with orange juice, I will."

Think what you will about him, he is unabashedly himself. I imagine for Halloween every year, he just dresses up like himself because he can't imagine being anyone else.

Guys I would like to never see again

I can't believe I've never criticized this before, but good lord what is going on with Chicken's eyebrows. It's like they are desperately trying to reach his sideburns. Kind of like him, they're just stretching out for something that doesn't want them. OOOOH DAMN.

And Jean Blanc, the "colognoisseur," which just means he likes to paste new names onto popular scents and gift them as if he created them. To refresh your memory, he was the one who told Becca he was falling for her approximately 25 seconds after meeting her, which freaked her out, causing him to be like "Omg take backsies, I thought that was what you wanted to hear." A TRUE GEM. He spent the majority of this episode begging to be relevant, even going on stage at some point to gift Becca another bottle of Miss Dior that he clearly taped a piece of paper on that likely said "Miss Becca" or something equally as creative.

To gauge how you should react to this, let's go to Jason and Colton:

Sadly, we'll have to endure Chicken during Bachelor in Paradise, but I think we've wafted away Jean Blanc for now.

Guys I don't remember seeing in the first place

These dudes were about as memorable as a poot in the wind. Who the hell invited the scrubs who got sent home practically right after they arrived? Aside from Grocery Store Joe, we don't care about guys that Becca never learned the name of. And actually, that one dude on the far left (the one who Becca knew from home) didn't speak once during this tell all. For all we know, he's just a prop, cardboard cutout.

Guy in the middle with the bowtie is apparently named Christian. After realizing this is his one chance in the spotlight, he throws some jabs at the star of the evening, Jordan. He tells Jordan that his job (of being a model) is something that he does as a hobby, but that he also has a real job (in finance, high-five bro). Well, this ruffles Jordan's feathers, so he proceeds to challenge Christian to a model-off, which sounds incredibly stupid but that's only because it is.

It's moments like this when I wonder how men in general have survived for this long.

Joe is our Freddie Prinze Jr.
Have y'all seen that Freddie Prinze Jr. classic, "Boys & Girls"? To summarize: FPJ is an ugly duckling as is evident in the fact that he has a bowl cut. He meets this girl when he's a teen and they continue to come across each other at different points in their lives and blah blah. At some point, when they meet in college, he's undergone a She's All That transformation, which just means he got a haircut and contacts. But this reveals that under his sweet demeanor and fugly bowl cut is a smokeshow! So sneaky. Anyway, Grocery Store Joe is like FPJ, except he has skipped right to the hot phase. He just seems so genuinely sweet and unaware of how hot he is. And if there's any time I appreciate a man being unaware it's when I'm trying to eat some of his fries. But also, when he's way hotter than he knows.

I bet Joe's the kind of boyfriend who would see you watching Vanderpump Rules in the living room and instead of judging, would sit down and thoughtfully ask "Wait, what did Jax do to Brittany?" A REAL MAN.

Reminder: Wills was too good for Becca

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In the variety pack of chips that is this season that mostly includes plain ass Lays and Ruffles, Wills is the bag of Spicy Doritos. Hands down the most stylish guy and so smart and funny and I DON'T KNOW I GUESS I'LL DATE HIM OKAY STOP PRESSURING ME. During his chat with Chris Harrison, he says that he knew he was falling for Becca when they discovered they both had a love for the same nursery rhyme growing up. PRECIOUS. Too good for this Bach universe.

Remember that really painful time in your life? Let's relive it!
It's so sweet how ABC makes each of these dudes relive their entire breakup with Becca. As if it didn't just happen a couple months ago.

Poor Jason, who was probably the most blindsided by being dumped, cries during his portion. And even sadder than that was the fact that he STILL HASN'T GOTTEN A HAIRCUT.

Let's move on to happier things...

IT'S TIA TIME

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Tia is this season's glitter - she's everywhere and we can't seem to escape her (nor do we want to, DON'T ARGUE WITH ME). If I didn't know any better, I'd think I produced half of this season (or at least, the half with the episodes featuring her).

During Colton's time with Oprah Harrison, he says that he "never thought about Tia," which is laughable considering the fact that he brought her up the most, second only to his tired ass line of "I've only been in one serious relationship." He says that they spent time together before she was on The Bachelor, as if to suggest that it was a long time ago and it meant nothing. To offer some perspective, 3 years ago I was within 25 ft. of Chrissy Teigen for approximately 2 minutes. And that shaped me into the human woman I am today and I think about it every day. So time is moo.

As a reminder, Tia and Colton are both on Bachelor in Paradise. Which speaking of...

ALL ABOARD THE HOT MESS EXPRESS
The most exciting part of this hot dog water of an episode was the promo for Bachelor in Paradise. From what I can gather, there's lots of crying (shocker) and kissing and butt touching which is all in order, but then...

TIA NOOOOOO. HOW YO' ASS GONNA GET WITH SOME CRAZY KOOKABURRA WHEN HOT ASS CONNOR IS JUST WALKING AROUND BEING FINE AS HELL?! I'm seriously worried, y'all. I'm just hoping this scene was a part of some sort of elaborate game of Truth or Dare in which Tia was dared to kiss the guy she thinks looks most like Joey Fatone.

Was happy to learn that my main Carolina girl Jenna is on the season! While everyone is dramatically crying, here's what Jenna was doing:

I'm hoping I can count on Jenna to go after Connor or Venmo John, especially if Tia's having some sort of crisis where she thinks she likes Chris R.

And I suppose I can't end this post without including some mention of Becca:

Either her hair got longer or she's got some great extensions in. Either way, she looks pretty amazing.

And Jesus Christ, there's an entire shipment of Yankee Candles in that room. That's gotta be at least half of the production budget. I'm shocked that the flames combined with all the hot air didn't set the room on fire.

Anyway, we made it through the Tell All! In which nothing was really told and ABC managed to stretch this thing out for 120 minutes. Actually pretty impressive. See you next week for the marathon finale! Where I assume we'll see Becca choose Blake if she has any sense at all.

Til then, find me eating the Cheez-Its in your pantry and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by the show unknowingly filming me while I was showing off my summer bod in Thailand:

We're in Thailand this week! Because I guess they saved so much of the production budget by going to Richmond before. For the record, I've never been to Thailand, but I know I'd be a sweaty, pho'kin mess the entire time (see what I did there). This is my way of letting the producers know I can't go to extremely humid locations for my season.

Becca begins the episode by teling us that she's in love with Blake, in love with Garrett and "falling in love" with Jason. So gee golly, I wonder who will go home this week.

Blake's love is pho'real
Blake is up first. They head to these woods that you're not allowed to make out in. So they koala hug and makeout a bunch to last them through this beautiful hike through sacred grounds.

In the woods, they meet up with a couple of monks who provide them with sage wisdom and advice and to be completely honest, it seems wasted on a woman whose catchphrase is "Let's do the damn thing."

I have to bring up something here that I know you're all wondering too: WHERE THE HELL DID THAT BACKPACK COME FROM? And also, are there snacks in it? And if so, what kind of snacks? Is there enough trail mix for everyone?

Anyway, the monks stress the importance of honesty, compromise, patience and giving in a relationship, which are coincidentally enough all of the things I sacrifice for this show. I honestly compromise my patience in giving attention to it WEEK AFTER WEEK.

They reflect on the sage advice and their relationship and then Blake tops off the moment by creepily closed-mouth smiling at Becca.

Every girl loves a good creepy closed-mouth smile. I can't tell if he's infatuated with her or wants to steal her beauty then cackle like a witch.

During the night portion of the date, Becca tells Blake that every time she sees him, it gets better and better. Kind of like banana bread after you let it sit for a day or so. In return, Blake continues his acoustic ballad of anxiety, saying that he knows she feels strongly about the other guys, but that none of them can feel as much for her as he does.

Becca obviously invites Blake to the Fantasy Suite that is apparently opened using a key from Legends of the Hidden Temple.

I love how asking someone to the Fantasy Suite is always done by giving them an envelope to read while you sit right next to them. Has anyone ever said no to the F Suite? Also, here was Blake's reaction to being asked:

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The next morning we find that she Alex Mack'd out of her dress, as it is perfectly laid out on the floor. It's like she poofed into thin air, but thoughtfully poofed, and ensured her dress fell ever so neatly. Science is crazy.

Maybe next Thai'm, Jason
Next is Jason. We know this date is not going to end well based on the fact that it begins with eating crickets. Like sorry, but if you're the dude whose date includes eating bugs that are loud as hell and friends with a puppet who lies, the outlook is bleak.

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Jason says that he's found his best friend and partner and he's ready for Becca to be his fiancee and my only concern here is: does Jason not already have a best friend? Because if you're finding your best friend after coming on a show for 2 months, maybe you should take a moment to reflect.

So they explore a market and some temples and at one point Becca makes some remark about their future. Mentioning a future with Jason hits her harder than a 12-pack of Taco Bell tacos. She immediately feels weird about it. So much so that a producer who looks a lot like Shiri Appleby's character in "UnReal" (omg you guys that show) comes on screen to comfort her by being a good friend and asking her what's wrong. On camera.

Becca says that she wishes she didn't allude to the future with Jason and we know she means business because she puts her hair in a ponytail. When any woman is in a stressful or anxiety-producing situation, the first thing we do is put our hair up. It's science. I polled every woman.

Later they have dinner in a dark ass room lit by what seems to be only one tiki torch. Jason, who looks tan as hell, completely opens up and admits all of his feelings for Becca. Becca responds by being extra as hell and "excusing herself" for a moment.

She returns to deliver an encore of her breakup anthem "I Don't See Us Getting There" and he is completely blindsided about being dumped. But being the sweet guy he is, Jason says that he came into this rooting for her and he will always root for her and hopes she finds happiness.

After he leaves, she retires to the Fantasy Suite alone where she could've put on Spotify's complete playlist of Danity Kane songs while drinking these two fruity drinks and a bottle of champagne:

But instead of doing that while wearing all the silky robes I'm sure are included in this fancy room, she cries while repeatedly saying "What am I doing." I felt bad for her though, because crying while saying "What am I doing" is exactly what I do when I'm near a dog but too shy to ask its owner if I can pet it. And then it leaves out of my life forever. Heartbreaking.

Chrissy Teigen
Okay that isn't a pun but she's half Thai, so it seems applicable. And also Garrett doesn't deserve a fun pun title.

So goofy ass Garrett is last. They decide to go rafting on what happens to be a Thai national holiday, so the river is like a community pool on the first day of summer. Full of people and rafts and also elephants.

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Becca admits that she would love for Garrett to tell her he loves her but she doesn't know "if he's there yet." If we've learned anything, it's that Becca's use of "there yet" is her version of Arie's "I love that." Stay tuned for next season when the choice filler word is "This," finally getting its time in the spotlight.

Later at dinner, she relates the craziness of rafting through people and elephants to navigating a relationship, which is true because they're rafting around the elephant in the room of Garrett being an ignoramus.

She obviously invites him to the Fantasy Suite and I'm always going to think it's weird that Chris Harrison is the one who signs off on these invite cards. Like some sort of creepy fairy godmother saying "Got you this sex room, have fun!"

Okay and I know that this is a TV show with makeup artists, but it kills me that the producers lead us to believe that Becca wakes up looking flawless. I mean, if she does, then kudos. But for reference, I'm providing a photo of what I look like in the morning compared to Becca:

I MEAN, WHO IS WHO?

Just some loose ends to Thai up
Before we can get to the pointless Rose Ceremony, Jason comes to offer Becca a proper goodbye looking fine as hell with in his little white button down and man boots.

He tells her that their abrupt ending was unsettling and he just feels like he needs to talk to her. She tells him that she felt terrible, like she was Arie (because that's as terrible as it gets). He's not angry and wishes her well and gives her this precious ass scrapbook that I'm sorry, but he clearly did not make. For all we know, it's a random book that some production assistant had to paste poems about Shawn Mendes and magazine clippings of Zac Efron in. WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

The final rose ceremony is more pointless than the second set of chopsticks that Chinese restaurants give you in your takeout order of 50 entrees that are all for you. She has two roses. There are two guys she's in love with. GASP WHAT WILL SHE DO.

SHOCKER: They both get a rose. And dramatic music plays as Blake realizes that, wait a minute, Becca likes this other guy too.

And in two weeks, the engagement takes place in the Maldives! Proving that going nowhere cool this season paid off in the end. Before that, see you next week for The Men Tell All!

Til then, find me lurking outside of Shawn Mendes' dressing room and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of The SeiTia Show:

I'll dive into their appearance later because you know I need ample time and space to yell about Tia. We've made it to hometown dates! Which is such good news because it means this longass journey is almost over.

How the show chooses guys

I'm pretty sure the only test is "Can you pick up this woman?" And if you can, you get to come on the show! Can you imagine how many scrawny-armed guys we've missed out on? Also, in my 30 years of existence I've never ran at a man and jumped into his arms. Well except for that one time. RIP to that pancake.

No one wants to harvest your tomatoes, Garrett
Garrett's parents own an agriculture business, so the beginning of his hometown date in central California is spent on a tractor in some fields. Becca says she could picture herself living this life because she "loves to plant things," which is like me saying I could picture myself being a hamburger because I love to eat meat.

Becca then meets Garrett's family. She tells his mom that the first thing that struck her about Garrett was his energy and positivity, the latter of which clearly didn't carry over into his Instagram habits. Becca also says that she's just looking for honesty, which is clearly a lie as we've already established she is just looking for a nice set of washboard abs.

We later learn that Becca feels a connection with Garrett because he's the only guy here who has been married and she's been engaged - so I mean, if that isn't reason to get together with someone, I don't know what is.

Anyway, I didn't particularly care about this entire date for reasons we've already discussed regarding Garett. To be honest, the only item of note is that his brother's girlfriend/wife looks like a cross between Malin Akerman and Sia.

Actually at first I seriously thought his brother was dating Ashlee Simpson and I was like what is American songbird Ashlee Simpson doing on The Bachelorette?

Chackin Wangs with Jason
Next we head to Buffalo, New York to meet Jason's family. I was fully prepared to be mad as hell if their date didn't somehow involve buffalo wings, but lo and behold!

They participate in a 1-minute wing eating contest, which is probably the best date I've ever heard of in the history of dates. But of course both of them suck and neither of them uses the ol' unzip the meat trick (ew you guys not like that), where you put the entire wing in your mouth and just pull out the bones, effectively unzipping the meat like a delicious jacket. And then Becca reverts to pretending like she's in some 90's rom-com by being cutesy and putting sauce on Jason's face. Wing eating is not a rom-com, Becca. It is war. Delicious war. And they've both ruined what should've been a great experience for me.

At one point, when asked if she wants blue cheese or ranch to dip her wings in, Becca says "There's no ranch in Buffalo!" and then everyone cheers as if she invented money trees. This mob mentality continues as everyone begins chanting for Becca and Jason to kiss and they of course do because in Buffalo it's law that if more than 2 people yell at you to do something, you have to do it.

I bet Becca had a hand outline of zits from Jason putting his oily, buffalo wing fingers on her face.

At the family dinner, Jason's mom asks Becca if she thinks she's found her person. Becca says that there's still a long way to go (I mean not that long girl we only have a few more episodes) and relationships to flesh out (not a good enough reason to use the phrase "flesh out"). And I mean, this is exactly what a worried mom wants to hear from the woman who is dating her son and also three other dudes.

Meanwhile, Jason chats with his brother and brother-in-law and tells them that he thinks he's surpassed the other guys in terms of where his relationship is with Becca. He also says when he's with her, "there's only one word to describe it." We never learn what this one word is but I'm pretty sure it's "boring."

Ultimately nothing dramatic happens and Jason sends Becca off by telling her he loves her and squeezing her head like a lemon.

Oh, Blake
We then head to the set of Twilight for Blake's hometown.

JK y'all, Twilight took place in Washington and this is Colorado. Blake takes Becca to his high school and we learn that during his senior year, there was a school shooting. This was particularly scary for Blake because his sister was also a student and his mom worked there. He recalls hiding in a classroom and finally being led out by SWAT and good lord, Blake has been through a lot. A school shooting. His parents getting divorced because his mom cheated on his dad with his teacher/coach. THE MAN NEEDS LOVE.

After this emotional revelation, Blake and Becca or "Blaka," as I like to call them as of 10 minutes ago, head to what I think is an auditorium where omg, a bunch of people and a concert are awaiting! The show never does this surprise ever!

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Except this time, the show actually booked Betty Who, a singer who matters (read: someone I have heard of). She sings and then for all we know ABC just plays a clip from any of their past episodes where they've had the couple dance awkwardly in front of random strangers.

Shout out to this girl who just thought she was coming to a casual Betty Who concert in a high school auditorium and instead has to deal with Blaka making out behind her.

Later, Becca meets his family and his parents are both concerned about this whole situation and don't want Blake to get his heart broken, which is the normal parental response to learning that your child is dating someone who is dating three other people. Y'all, I can't even imagine calling my parents to be like "I'm bringing home my boyfriend. But heads up, he's also in serious relationships with three other women, so you know, play it cool." Mama and Papa Mac don't play dat.

Anyway, Blake's dad tells him to be cautious because if Becca doesn't choose him then...well, he can go on Bachelor on Paradise is what he should've said.

Becca tells Blake's mom that she instantly felt like she knew him and they were on the same wavelength and that she's ready to be engaged again because she's already sold that other ring and doesn't feel like filling in that finger tanline.

Blake sends Becca off by professing his love and kissing her in slow motion. Long live Blaka.

The last section before we get to Tia
Our last hometown date is in Denver with Colton. Becca reminds us that he previously "dated" Tia, something she claims they've "gotten past," which is just a casual comment and not a setup for Tia's appearance later at all.

For the first part of their date, they buy some toys before going to hang out with some kids at the children's hospital.

This was objectively one of the most precious things and Colton honestly seems like a caring guy.

Before meeting his family, Colton tells Becca that he's never really brought a girl home because he takes it very seriously. And for the 589th time this season, we are reminded that he's only been in one serious relationship. At this point, Aly Raisman should get royalties for every time it's mentioned. And wait! Don't put that bat away yet, we're not done beating this dead horse. Colton reiterates that he and Tia only "hung out" once and it wasn't serious.

So now that we've covered the topics we are obligated to hear anytime Colton comes up, Becca meets his family. She tells his mom that she's worried about his lack of relationship (and other) experience, but his mom assures her that she can see him committing and it's clear that he's ready to take the next step with Becca.

Meanwhile, Colton takes time to chat with his dad. And while everyone is concerned about Colton being a newb, his dad is like "YEAH BUT SUP WITH BECCA'S BAGGAGE WITH BEING ENGAGED LIKE A MINUTE AGO? YO, SUP WITH THAT THO?"

Anyway, Colton sends Becca off by telling her he loves her, meaning Becca ends hometown dates week going 4-for-4 on I love you's. Definite resume addition.

Here to steal yo' man
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Becca decides she needs some advice from her "closest" friends, aka the ladies she spent like 12 weeks with and met under a year ago.

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Somewhere, her actual best friends are like "Dafuq?"

So Yale Seinne, Weiner Tia, Taxidermy Kendall, Baby Becca and Caroline (who I ran out of nicknames for) listen to Becca recount all of her hometown dates. Let's just relive all of this through Tia's inner monologue because it gives me a reason to share a sliver of the 450 screenshots I took of her lashes and brows:

"I'm so happy hometown dates went well for Becca!"

"Wait, where did I put my lip gloss?"

"Wait, forget the lip gloss. I'm not the Bachelorette. Wtf."

"I wish Becca would stop talking so I can casually tell her that I love Colton."

If the show constantly zooming in and out on her didn't get it away, Tia finally interrupts Becca's live reading of her diary to ask if she can speak to her in private.

Once they're outside on a balcony that is larger than my entire apartment, Tia reveals that hearing Colton is in the top 4 hurts her and has made her realize that she still cares for him. And apparently she just can't imagine leaving without telling Becca. Y'all know that I love Tia. But this is pretty shitty and selfish. Especially since we know Tia is gonna fall in love with Connor on Bachelor in Paradise (If I put it out there, it'll happen).

So we all leave this friend gathering wondering will Becca keep Colton around? Will she send him home to keep her friendship with Tia? Should I get bangs? Stay tuned to find out!

When you finally get to go home and don't have to keep repeating that you've only been in one relationship with an Olympic gymnast

Because she didn't get to see his abs this week, Becca completely forgets why she likes Colton and ends up sending him home. She says it has nothing to do with Tia and she had already made her mind up before their conversation.

Honestly, I was actually pretty shocked because I expected Jason to go. And now, do we think Colton will be the next Bachelor? Or do we think the show will hold off until after Bachelor in Paradise? So we can get to know Venmo John better and he can be it and I can get on the show and we can get married and have super cute Asian babies? I mean any of these options are possible.

What Becca should've based her decision on

These are the dinners that Becca had at each of the guys' homes. I don't even know if this is real food, for all we know it's just printed pictures of food pasted on pieces of styrofoam. Based on these meals, I'd 100% go with Colton because look at that giant mound of mac and cheese. And even though Blake is bringing what appears to be a filet of hot dog, I'd still keep him because of that buttery ass piece of bread. I don't need to provide any reasoning for Jason because the steak speaks for itself. And as it turns out, even in this scenario, Garrett would go because what psychopath fills 2/3 of a plate with salad and only 1/3 with pasta?! A true monster.

So we're down to Count Chocula Jason, Ignorant Garrett and Edward Cullen Blake. Now I'm guessing it'll be Garrett and Blake in the end, and she'll end up choosing Blake. Regardless, the end of the road is near! See you all next week!

Til then, find me sneakily taking pics of your dog and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's episode is brought to you by the name of this plane that the producers felt the need to zoom in on:

Just a subtle reminder that even the planes in the Bahamas thought Tia would be the Bachelorette.

Speaking of, we're in the Bahamas! Which I know, totally not as scenic as Richmond, Virginia. Becca begins the episode with the usual Bachelorette stare-off-into-the-distance scene while saying she's looking forward to no drama (lol do you know what this show is).

Bahamas week features 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date with the leftover chumps. In a series of events that surprises no one, Colton gets the first one-on-one. It's painfully obvious, if not just for her constantly gushing about how hot his bod is, that Becca is obsessed with Colton. Weirdly enough, the guys have a different viewpoint as they're all shocked he's chosen first. They proceed to Gossip Girl with each other, wondering if Colton will "bring up his secret."

Lemme see dat conch
Becca, who might have the biggest lady boner in the world for Colton, decides to bring him on a date that will obviously require him being shirtless (no complaints here). They go on a boat and mostly pretend to be Jack and Rose.

I will never understand the producers making couples do this tired ass shit. I've been on a boat several times and never have I wanted a dude, no matter how hot he is, to stand behind me while we pretend to be birds. You know what girls want instead of pretending to be a bird on a boat? Fried bird on a boat. Chicken wings, that's what we want, I polled every woman.

Between breaks of Titanic'ing, they chat and at one point Colton is about to reveal his "secret" when this dude pulls up in a boat asking if they want to dive for conch. After 10 minutes of exchanging conch jokes that were seemingly written by a bunch of teenage boys, they finally dive in. And at first they're holding hands WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SNORKEL, which is not romantic and just impractical. Because they're such expert divers, they come across this grouping of conch that were totally there naturally and not placed by the show at all.

They grab a couple of these prop conch and return to the boat where the guy from earlier preps pieces for them to eat. He proceeds to pull a part of the conch out that looks like a long booger but is apparently an aphrodisiac. Colton and Becca both eat the booger and then make out against the railing of the boat so anyway, I guess sea boogers really are aphrodisiacs.

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At dinner, Colton tells Becca that he hasn't had many girlfriends or dated a lot "because of sports." Gosh, haven't you all heard that before, that professional athletes just really have a hard time getting attention. He finally drops his secret that he's a virgin who can't drive (ok I added that last bit). Becca's eyes nearly pop out of her head as she screams REALLY?! before thanking him for sharing. Then, because she's extra as hell, she excuses herself to have a dramatic moment to herself.

I think I speak for everyone in declaring how disappointing it was that Colton's "secret" wasn't that he knows the 11 herbs and spices used in KFC's fried chicken.

During Becca's period of Mulan reflection, Colton appears more nervous than me in white pants at a barbecue. Here he is contemplating if he should stress eat those plates of lobster and juicy ass lamb:

Becca returns and says she doesn't judge him or think less of him and he says that he's not waiting for marriage or anything, just the right heart (DAWWWW). Blah blah, Becca gives him a rose because there's no way in hell she's sending that hot bod home.

Reminder: Garrett is garbage
While the guys are discussing Colton telling Becca he's a virgin, Garrett, being the evolved academic he is, says that if his girlfriend told him she was a virgin, he wouldn't marry her. AW SO SWEET! Becca chooses this Prince Charming for the second one-on-one.

For their date, Becca brings Garrett to the beach to frolic around like they're in a sexy music video. They proceed to makeout along the shore and all I could think about is how much sand both of them have in their swimsuits. Matching sandy asses, so romantic!

Later at dinner, Becca makes a toast that is word-for-word "Cheers to a good day" and Garrett compliments her ability to make amazing toasts. This is stupid because unless she shot LITERAL pieces of toast out of her hands, this in no way demonstrates amazing toast making abilities. They dive more into their feelings and Garrett says that he's an honest person and that if something was off, Becca would definitely be able to tell. Which is clearly not the case because she hasn't been able to tell that under his slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist facade is a slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist.

He tells her he's "beginning" to fall in love with her, which wtf does that even mean. Can't you be "beginning" to fall in love with almost anything? I just bought this bunch of bananas. I like bananas. Like is at one end of the spectrum of love, am I beginning to fall in love with bananas?

In the end, Becca gives him a rose and they conclude their date with a night swim scene straight out of the last Twilight movie.

I MEAN, WHICH IS WHICH? Honestly, had they just edited in that scene from Twilight, no one would've cared. Also, I'm sorry for bringing Twilight up.

In which we get to see Emo Blake dance
First, a collection of photos of Blake looking stressed after not being chosen for the first two dates:

Becca finally chooses this little ball of stress for the last one-on-one. Blake, who is more dramatic than a men's soccer player flopping around, says he was "barely holding on and the date card brought me back to life," which coincidentally enough is also the title of his debut song.

Speaking of, here are the concrete facts I know about Blake so far:
-He's tall and sweet
-He's just one pair of Vans away from starting his own emo band
-He cannot comprehend the premise of this show and cannot understand how Becca can date other dudes
-He has definitely said "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" to an ex before
-He thinks Yellowcard is an underrated band

For the first part of their date, Becca brings Blake to a surprise performance by the Baha Men who I did not know were still a thing. And look, I love surprises, but the number of times I have wanted to be surprised with Baha Men is approximately negative 10.

Thanks to our time machine that has apparently brought us back to a concert in 2000, we get to see Blake's 8-foot limbs bend in various 90-degree angles as he "dances."

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Later, Becca says that she sympathizes with Arie in regards to developing feelings for multiple people at once and dear God will this nagging Arie rash never leave us. Blake remains emo as he realizes that Becca has feelings for other guys BECAUSE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE.

At dinner, Blake admits he has trouble "opening up" which is pretty ridiculous since he's more open than a 24-hour diner. We learn that part of his emo nature stems from the fact that his parents got divorced when he was a teenager, after it came to light that his mom was cheating on his dad with his TEACHER AND BASKETBALL COACH. WTF. But he says he's trying to be as open as possible with Becca because he knows that not communicating can be detrimental to a relationship. And Blake may be emotional and dramatic as hell, but this boy used a four-syllable word on a show that features men who probably can't be trusted around hot stoves, and for that, I love him.

Blake ends the date by being like "I'm in love with you" and Becca's like "Coo" and gives him a rose.

Becca continues to be predictable
The second-string group date consists of Wills, Leo and Jason.

After the guys dramatic astronaut walk-in, they all "play" volleyball before getting to the real game of winning Becca's heart (OOOOOO, good one). Ahead of his alone time with Becca, Leo says that while the other guys can offer her a house and an easy life, he can only offer her love, which is undoubtedly a line from a Nicholas Sparks movie. They begin their chat by making out as he cradles her head like a melon.

Leo tells her that he knows they haven't had as much time together because he's been deep conditioning his hair, but he likes her and thinks their relationship can go somewhere. Becca steps in to shred the directions to "somewhere," giving Leo her trademark breakup line: "I don't think we're there."

And then, in what seems like a matter of 15 seconds, her and the other two dudes run onto this boat and leave Leo behind as if this is some weird version of tag where if Leo tags one of them, he gets to stay.

So at dinner, it's down to two. Jason tells Becca that he feels so freakin strongly about her and doesn't freakin want this to freakin end. But that's it. He doesn't say he's falling in love with her, just that he doesn't want his time on TV, I mean, their relationship, to end.

Wills, who is the most fly guy on the show because his wardrobe includes items other than lame ass navy suits and Henley shirts, tells Becca that she made him believe in love again and he's falling in love with her.

They all return to this tiny patio table and Becca proceeds to dramatically draw out her decision, while we're all distracted by this BIG ASS MOUND OF MASHED POTATOES:

She says that she needs a guy who is on the same page as her, which, if that page is love and a future together, Wills is there and Jason is not. So I mean obviously she chooses Jason. SHE CHOOSES FREAKIN ANDREW KEEGAN. You guys, to summarize: Wills was like "I love you" and Jason was like "I don't know, you're okay I guess" and Becca was like "OMG JASON YES." I hate this show. Also, I realized why seeing Jason makes me crave chocolate cereal:

So Wills leaves and it's pretty sad because it's clear he truly cared for Becca. And even sadder is that I still didn't get a bowl of Count Chocula cereal.

This week taught us that Becca is looking for one thing in a partner: A smokin hot bod (read: Colton). She talks a big game with this whole "please be honest with me" bit, when in reality she just wants dat six-pack.

My guess is her final two will be Colton and Blake and she'll ultimately pick Colton. Blake will then write an entire album about this experience and it'll peak at #25 on the alternative music charts.

If I haven't said it enough, I hate this show. Thank God Tia is returning to our lives in next week's episode. And here's to hoping she finds love with either Venmo John or Lionel Messi Connor on Bachelor in Paradise.

See you all next week as this ship keeps a'sinkin! Find me eating the food in your fridge and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).