Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's episode is brought to you by the name of this plane that the producers felt the need to zoom in on:

Just a subtle reminder that even the planes in the Bahamas thought Tia would be the Bachelorette.

Speaking of, we're in the Bahamas! Which I know, totally not as scenic as Richmond, Virginia. Becca begins the episode with the usual Bachelorette stare-off-into-the-distance scene while saying she's looking forward to no drama (lol do you know what this show is).

Bahamas week features 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date with the leftover chumps. In a series of events that surprises no one, Colton gets the first one-on-one. It's painfully obvious, if not just for her constantly gushing about how hot his bod is, that Becca is obsessed with Colton. Weirdly enough, the guys have a different viewpoint as they're all shocked he's chosen first. They proceed to Gossip Girl with each other, wondering if Colton will "bring up his secret."

Lemme see dat conch
Becca, who might have the biggest lady boner in the world for Colton, decides to bring him on a date that will obviously require him being shirtless (no complaints here). They go on a boat and mostly pretend to be Jack and Rose.

I will never understand the producers making couples do this tired ass shit. I've been on a boat several times and never have I wanted a dude, no matter how hot he is, to stand behind me while we pretend to be birds. You know what girls want instead of pretending to be a bird on a boat? Fried bird on a boat. Chicken wings, that's what we want, I polled every woman.

Between breaks of Titanic'ing, they chat and at one point Colton is about to reveal his "secret" when this dude pulls up in a boat asking if they want to dive for conch. After 10 minutes of exchanging conch jokes that were seemingly written by a bunch of teenage boys, they finally dive in. And at first they're holding hands WHILE ATTEMPTING TO SNORKEL, which is not romantic and just impractical. Because they're such expert divers, they come across this grouping of conch that were totally there naturally and not placed by the show at all.

They grab a couple of these prop conch and return to the boat where the guy from earlier preps pieces for them to eat. He proceeds to pull a part of the conch out that looks like a long booger but is apparently an aphrodisiac. Colton and Becca both eat the booger and then make out against the railing of the boat so anyway, I guess sea boogers really are aphrodisiacs.

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At dinner, Colton tells Becca that he hasn't had many girlfriends or dated a lot "because of sports." Gosh, haven't you all heard that before, that professional athletes just really have a hard time getting attention. He finally drops his secret that he's a virgin who can't drive (ok I added that last bit). Becca's eyes nearly pop out of her head as she screams REALLY?! before thanking him for sharing. Then, because she's extra as hell, she excuses herself to have a dramatic moment to herself.

I think I speak for everyone in declaring how disappointing it was that Colton's "secret" wasn't that he knows the 11 herbs and spices used in KFC's fried chicken.

During Becca's period of Mulan reflection, Colton appears more nervous than me in white pants at a barbecue. Here he is contemplating if he should stress eat those plates of lobster and juicy ass lamb:

Becca returns and says she doesn't judge him or think less of him and he says that he's not waiting for marriage or anything, just the right heart (DAWWWW). Blah blah, Becca gives him a rose because there's no way in hell she's sending that hot bod home.

Reminder: Garrett is garbage
While the guys are discussing Colton telling Becca he's a virgin, Garrett, being the evolved academic he is, says that if his girlfriend told him she was a virgin, he wouldn't marry her. AW SO SWEET! Becca chooses this Prince Charming for the second one-on-one.

For their date, Becca brings Garrett to the beach to frolic around like they're in a sexy music video. They proceed to makeout along the shore and all I could think about is how much sand both of them have in their swimsuits. Matching sandy asses, so romantic!

Later at dinner, Becca makes a toast that is word-for-word "Cheers to a good day" and Garrett compliments her ability to make amazing toasts. This is stupid because unless she shot LITERAL pieces of toast out of her hands, this in no way demonstrates amazing toast making abilities. They dive more into their feelings and Garrett says that he's an honest person and that if something was off, Becca would definitely be able to tell. Which is clearly not the case because she hasn't been able to tell that under his slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist facade is a slimy, racist, ignorant, sexist.

He tells her he's "beginning" to fall in love with her, which wtf does that even mean. Can't you be "beginning" to fall in love with almost anything? I just bought this bunch of bananas. I like bananas. Like is at one end of the spectrum of love, am I beginning to fall in love with bananas?

In the end, Becca gives him a rose and they conclude their date with a night swim scene straight out of the last Twilight movie.

I MEAN, WHICH IS WHICH? Honestly, had they just edited in that scene from Twilight, no one would've cared. Also, I'm sorry for bringing Twilight up.

In which we get to see Emo Blake dance
First, a collection of photos of Blake looking stressed after not being chosen for the first two dates:

Becca finally chooses this little ball of stress for the last one-on-one. Blake, who is more dramatic than a men's soccer player flopping around, says he was "barely holding on and the date card brought me back to life," which coincidentally enough is also the title of his debut song.

Speaking of, here are the concrete facts I know about Blake so far:
-He's tall and sweet
-He's just one pair of Vans away from starting his own emo band
-He cannot comprehend the premise of this show and cannot understand how Becca can date other dudes
-He has definitely said "WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME?" to an ex before
-He thinks Yellowcard is an underrated band

For the first part of their date, Becca brings Blake to a surprise performance by the Baha Men who I did not know were still a thing. And look, I love surprises, but the number of times I have wanted to be surprised with Baha Men is approximately negative 10.

Thanks to our time machine that has apparently brought us back to a concert in 2000, we get to see Blake's 8-foot limbs bend in various 90-degree angles as he "dances."

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Later, Becca says that she sympathizes with Arie in regards to developing feelings for multiple people at once and dear God will this nagging Arie rash never leave us. Blake remains emo as he realizes that Becca has feelings for other guys BECAUSE HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REPEAT THAT THIS IS THE BACHELORETTE.

At dinner, Blake admits he has trouble "opening up" which is pretty ridiculous since he's more open than a 24-hour diner. We learn that part of his emo nature stems from the fact that his parents got divorced when he was a teenager, after it came to light that his mom was cheating on his dad with his TEACHER AND BASKETBALL COACH. WTF. But he says he's trying to be as open as possible with Becca because he knows that not communicating can be detrimental to a relationship. And Blake may be emotional and dramatic as hell, but this boy used a four-syllable word on a show that features men who probably can't be trusted around hot stoves, and for that, I love him.

Blake ends the date by being like "I'm in love with you" and Becca's like "Coo" and gives him a rose.

Becca continues to be predictable
The second-string group date consists of Wills, Leo and Jason.

After the guys dramatic astronaut walk-in, they all "play" volleyball before getting to the real game of winning Becca's heart (OOOOOO, good one). Ahead of his alone time with Becca, Leo says that while the other guys can offer her a house and an easy life, he can only offer her love, which is undoubtedly a line from a Nicholas Sparks movie. They begin their chat by making out as he cradles her head like a melon.

Leo tells her that he knows they haven't had as much time together because he's been deep conditioning his hair, but he likes her and thinks their relationship can go somewhere. Becca steps in to shred the directions to "somewhere," giving Leo her trademark breakup line: "I don't think we're there."

And then, in what seems like a matter of 15 seconds, her and the other two dudes run onto this boat and leave Leo behind as if this is some weird version of tag where if Leo tags one of them, he gets to stay.

So at dinner, it's down to two. Jason tells Becca that he feels so freakin strongly about her and doesn't freakin want this to freakin end. But that's it. He doesn't say he's falling in love with her, just that he doesn't want his time on TV, I mean, their relationship, to end.

Wills, who is the most fly guy on the show because his wardrobe includes items other than lame ass navy suits and Henley shirts, tells Becca that she made him believe in love again and he's falling in love with her.

They all return to this tiny patio table and Becca proceeds to dramatically draw out her decision, while we're all distracted by this BIG ASS MOUND OF MASHED POTATOES:

She says that she needs a guy who is on the same page as her, which, if that page is love and a future together, Wills is there and Jason is not. So I mean obviously she chooses Jason. SHE CHOOSES FREAKIN ANDREW KEEGAN. You guys, to summarize: Wills was like "I love you" and Jason was like "I don't know, you're okay I guess" and Becca was like "OMG JASON YES." I hate this show. Also, I realized why seeing Jason makes me crave chocolate cereal:

So Wills leaves and it's pretty sad because it's clear he truly cared for Becca. And even sadder is that I still didn't get a bowl of Count Chocula cereal.

This week taught us that Becca is looking for one thing in a partner: A smokin hot bod (read: Colton). She talks a big game with this whole "please be honest with me" bit, when in reality she just wants dat six-pack.

My guess is her final two will be Colton and Blake and she'll ultimately pick Colton. Blake will then write an entire album about this experience and it'll peak at #25 on the alternative music charts.

If I haven't said it enough, I hate this show. Thank God Tia is returning to our lives in next week's episode. And here's to hoping she finds love with either Venmo John or Lionel Messi Connor on Bachelor in Paradise.

See you all next week as this ship keeps a'sinkin! Find me eating the food in your fridge and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).