Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 4)

This week's (delayed) post is brought to you by the plastic blue cup Chase Rice is holding following this week's mandatory country music performance:

Chase is a country music singer who went to UNC and everyone who went to UNC feels a connection to this giant plastic cup from a Chapel Hill bar called "He's Not Here." Literally every graduate has AT LEAST one of these cups, it is fact. Check the cabinets. Also more on Chase in a bit.

We made it to Week 4! And we're leaving the mansion for the first time, presumably because with that many women living together, the floors must be covered in hair and in need of a deep vacuum. Where's the gang going, might you ask? Well, to the arts, music and culture capital of the world — Cleveland, Ohio! I'll let Kelley and Tammy's reactions speak for the group and for all of us:

One of the Bachelor executives must be from the midwest or their mother must be a stalk of corn or something because this show brings us to these random cities every season.

These producers are messy bitches
Victoria F. gets the first one-on-one date and I just now realized she sort of looks like Ariana Grande?

It's been 14 minutes since we've been reminded Peter is a pilot, so the first part of the date is obviously on a plane. Victoria is nervous so Peter makes out with her which is a little counterproductive because if you're nervous about flying don't you want your pilot to be paying attention to the plane and not like, your mouth. What do I know.

With that mandatory reminder about Peter working for Delta out of the way, the actual date takes place at an amusement park called Cedar Point. They ride a bunch of rollercoasters before Peter "surprises" Victoria with a Chase Rice concert:

This is the face of a woman realizing she's walking into a producer-set trap. We soon learn Victoria dated Chase before coming on the show. She sort of wavers between being visibly uncomfortable to making out with her new potential boyfriend in front of her "ex" boyfriend:

I say "ex" because Chase has since mentioned in interviews that they didn't really date. Rather, they "spent one night together" in Charlotte. And he's also said the show didn't let him know he would be singing for Victoria's date.

So to recap: The producers are messier than the port-a-pottys at a music festival. Just shitty all around. Also, this whole "Chase being Victoria's ex" thing soon becomes a bigger deal than it should be. In reality, even if they did date (past the one night) this STILL isn't a big deal because it's not like she was still dating him when she came on the show. They're treating it like Chase is some foreign prince and Victoria was betrothed to marry him before pulling a runaway bride. In reality, they had a thing and then GASP they didn't and that was it.

Later they have dinner at City Hall, I guess because the DMV was booked. After mulling it over all day, Victoria finally bravely admits that she used to date a famous singer.

Peter can't believe she used to date a man who is more successful than he, a Delta commuter pilot, is. This is proven by the way he repeatedly says "Wait, Chase. Chase Rice. The guy at the concert. Chase. Chase Rice?" I guess when you're the center of this alternate universe like Peter is, you really do start to believe that you're the spiciest chicken sandwich in the game.

Admitting she used to date Chase takes an emotional toll on Victoria, mostly (I hope) because she's realizing she gave up potentially going to the Grammys for free domestic flights. In the end, Peter thanks her for sharing that she has dated men before him and gives her a rose.

The big ass group date
The 13 women who did not win the second one-on-one date get to join Peter for a group date at a place where winning also doesn't happen — the Cleveland Browns stadium.

They're put through a series of football drills and by "drills" I mean we learn who can and cannot catch a ball. Mykenna admits she is "the least athletic person here," a declaration that seems unnecessary since the footage speaks for itself:

I'm dying at how wide her arms are to catch a normal sized football. It looks like she's bracing for a cartoonishly large ball to be hurled her way. While this sheer athleticism is happening, Victoria P. has opted out due to a "back injury." Instead, she sits on the sidelines and has Peter give her what appears to be the worst massage ever:

Eventually, the other 12 women are split into two teams for a scrimmage because what could go wrong with a group of women who all have obstructed vision from fake lashes going at each other while wearing hard plastic helmets and pads. They're told the winning team gets to join Peter for the evening portion of the date while the other team has to go back to the Cleveland Airbnb, so the stakes are INCREDIBLY high.

We learn that Shiann and Deandra are the only athletic ones on the field as Shiann scores every touchdown for her team and Deandra scores the final touchdown, ending the game in a tie. Meaning all 13 women get to go to the evening cocktail party. I cannot emphasize enough how truly stupid this date has been.

Honestly, who flies to Cleveland to win a guy back
While everyone is grabbing a number to chat with Peter, guess who shows up again even though her ass was sent home last week:

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Alayah interrupts Shiann's time with Peter because she needs to set the record straight. She tells him that Victoria P. lied when she said they didn't really know each other because they've been to Vegas together (which is the penultimate sign of friendship). This troubles Peter since he trusts Victoria the most, so he runs off to ask Victoria about it and thus begins another fun game of telephone:

This is the face of a woman realizing she's been caught lying. Peter asks her again if she was friends with Alayah before the show and Victoria starts looking like a baby deer participating in a hurdles race, tripping all over her words. First she says she didn't really consider them "friends" until they got to the house, then she starts saying things like "I have so much more to show you," totally ignoring Peter asking about her lying. He's straight up asking "Why did you lie about being friends?" and Victoria might as well be replying with "I usually get cheese on my sandwiches at Subway" because they're having two completely different conversations.

To clear this up, Peter brings Victoria P. over to Alayah to chat. Victoria, who just spent the last however many minutes telling Peter she doesn't really know Alayah, hugs Alayah tighter and longer than I've ever hugged any of my best friends. She then holds her hand and brushes hair out of her face while they chat because that is what you do when you don't know someone:

In a bizarre turn of events, after Alayah mentions they've been friends for a while and went to Vegas together and have so many friends in common, Victoria P. is like "Yes, this is true we are friends" BUT WITHOUT RECOGNIZING SHE INITIALLY LIED. ACTING LIKE SHE ISN'T THE PRIMARY REASON PETER SENT ALAYAH HOME? I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Alayah asks why she would lie about their friendship and instead of just squashing this by acknowledging she lied and apologizing, Victoria says "I don't know what else to say." SAY YOU LIED, VICKY. I hate this show.

After wasting an entire evening on this and ignoring the other women on the group date, Peter gives the group date rose to Alayah because he feels he shouldn't have sent her home to begin with.

And so it begins — Peter's downward spiral into stupidity. It happens to every Bachelor/Bachelorette. For some it's early (Arie from minute 1 of episode 1) and for some it's late (Hannah in the finale, lolololol). At least he made it to episode 4 before fully exposing he's just another dumb mashed potato.

Champagne face is still here
Kelsey, who dragged out drama about a bottle of champagne from a CVS in Des Moines, gets the second one-on-one date because Peter loves how "undramatic" she is (reminder: he's dumb). They proceed to have one of the most boring dates beginning with "happening" to stumble across polka dancing in some random square. As is the natural progression from polka dancing, they then crash some sort of children's soapbox derby and force these children to give them the trophy:

Later, dinner is on a boat overlooking the gloriously unmatched Cleveland skyline:

You can't see Kelsey because Peter always insists on standing behind the women like he's some creep at a club dancing toward you crotch first. He insists they "soak in" the city views because nothing screams romance like staring at what appears to be an office building and a parking lot. Hot.

At dinner, Kelsey shares she has trouble letting people in because her parents got divorced when she was in 7th grade and she didn't see her dad for 12 years. Peter thanks her for sharing and says he appreciates single mothers and how amazing they are based on everything his grandmother and mother went to when they immigrated from Cuba.

He then rewards her sharing with some making out and we learn she kisses like she's telling a secret:

She says he makes her feel "like no man has ever made me feel." And I'm assuming she says "no man," because surely a delicious ass burrito has brought her great joy before. Peter gives her a rose and I'm pretty shocked she's still here.

To summarize: All Victorias here hate Alayah
Because this is a buy-one-get-one deal, Alayah can't just settle for drama with Victoria P. — she has to create some with Victoria F. too! It's only fair! Victoria F. learns that for the brief period of time Alayah was back in civilization with cell phones and Google, she found out about Chase Rice being Victoria's ex and when she came back in the house, started spreading that news to everyone. In addition to being cut-off from normal social interactions and intelligent men, these women are also kept from their phones and the internet, so none of them were aware about Chase before Alayah came peddling in on her gossip wheels. Victoria puts Confrontation City into her GPS and heads Alayah's way:

As a note, if a woman comes at you in Soffe shorts, Rainbow flip flops, a scrunchie AND a glass of wine, she's about to light your ass up. Because not only is she angry, but you've made her haul her ass out of the house in her pajamas with her pajamas wine.

Alayah's defense is she thought everyone already knew and blah blah Victoria calls her fake and leaves. But since this show is what it is, I'm sure this will come up approximately 395 more times spanning several episodes before climaxing with some sort of 2-on-1 date.

"I'm messing up right now so bad"
When Peter shows up for the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, the women from the first group date are pissed since their date was more pointless than a pack of unsharpened pencils. I'll let Natasha speak for everyone, because this is honestly everyone's face (except for Alayah):

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Deandra and Natasha call him out for essentially ignoring most of the women on the group date before just handing the rose to Alayah, who wasn't even supposed to be on the show anymore. Peter, who was under the impression that since he's the Bachelor he can just be an idiot asshole, "apologizes" and by that I mean he says he's not perfect and sorry and wants them to accept his apology. Honestly, at this point at least 5 of the women should've left because this flight aint worth the price and also do you really think this face that is exposed to so much recycled air is gonna age well?

All of the women then take turns venting their frustrations (which they're entitled to do) because this is the second week wasted on mindless Alayah drama. Thinking that he can find clarity from Alayah, he asks her why all of the women have a problem with her and she first says she "doesn't know" before admitting that before it was her "big personality," but now she doesn't know (sure Jan). The episode ends before the Rose Ceremony with Peter unsure of what to do.

In other news, we're learning that you don't have to be smart on an overall level to be a pilot.

And that's it! See you all next week for more of The Alayah Show. Til then, find me drawing inspiration from Victoria to work up the courage to admit I used to date Michael B. Jordan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9). 

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

This week's post is presented in honor of our Asian fav Jasmine, who obviously went home this week:

I say obviously because our girl did not even try to talk to Peter nor was she upset about not being invited on any of the dates. She just wanted some pool time, a few drinks and a public place to showcase her brows and hair. We stan a shiny haired legend!

This horse is dead, can we please stop

(Always need to point out that these are the screenshots I just happen to take)

So a week ago, we were tortured with an entire episode focused on the stealing of a dumbass bottle of champagne from the champagne capital of the world — Des Moines, Iowa. We're super blessed to continue the world's stupidest argument as, per their puffy faces, Kelsey and Hannah Ann have either been crying for an entire week OR they both chowed down on a ton of Chinese food last night (that salt gets ya every time). Like a clogged toilet, they keep bringing up the same shit until eventually Kelsey yells "THIS ISN'T ABOUT THE CHAMPAGNE" because we all know what this is really about.....camera time. And now we can all move on with our lives.

I think we like Victoria P.
Vicky P. gets the one-on-one date this week, which begins with Peter bringing her to some cowboy store (official name) where he picks out the ugliest pair of velvety green boots for her:

Even though you can't see the full boot here, you can tell they're fugly. It's actually impressive that in a store full of normal looking boots, he found the corniest looking pair. Post-boots shopping, he shares that he likes to line dance and attempts to teach her and by "teach her" I mean he mostly paws at her hips:

Can't you just imagine what this store smells like? Also super happy to see she didn't pick the Cabbage Patch doll boots.

After being properly outfitted, they go line dancing at one of those bars you'd never want to see with the lights on that is made entirely of sticky floors.

Later they have dinner on what appears to be a leftover set from that Ben Affleck-Josh Hartnett movie "Pearl Harbor" (FYI Josh Hartnett is still hot). Really loving how the producers gave up on this one and didn't even include food, just 10 napkins, 3 candles and ONE champagne flute.

Victoria opens up about her rough childhood — her dad died when she was young and her mom struggled and became a drug addict so she and her sister mostly grew up in homeless shelters. Peter thanks her for sharing and says she inspires him and honestly, she is pretty inspiring. She seems so genuine and kind, so it completely blows my mind that she's on this dumpster fire of a show. She obviously gets a rose and I'm thinking she'll def be in the top 5.

"There's something off about that girl"

This week's producer-fabricated drama is centered around Alayah, seen here with a gallon pour of wine. While her name is pronounced "uh-LAY-uh" it should actually be "uh-LIE-uh" for reasons to come. We get a hint that she will be the tea bag that brews the drama when the ladies are all chatting around this giant ass fruit basket:

She says she's ready to run this party because she has a wild side (I'm sure her version of wild means getting soda instead of just water in those free plastic cups). She thinks it's funny that because she's a pageant queen, everyone assumes she's perfect and proper, when in reality she just knows how to "turn it on." This really irks Sydney who doesn't like fake people, but mostly, needs that camera time, ya heard.

The next morning, the women are awakened by Demi:

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She lets them know that because she's one of Peter's "good friends" (sure Jan) she planned the day's group date and has outfits for all of them to wear. We learn all of these "outfits" are varying levels of lingerie except for one — Savannah is fortunate enough to get a Little House on the Prairie-looking gown:

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Also want to note that during this lingerie unveiling, Kiarra pronounces it "lin-gear-ee," which is also how I pronounce it meaning we are both stupid.

With the ladies in their thin, whispy outfits, we are reminded that this show is produced by a bunch of pubescent boys from the 80s, as the group date is a giant pillow fighting competition:

As if the mere existence of the Bachelor world isn't already setting us back, this really put us in the red, ladies. Also for factual purposes I want to point out that women almost never wear lingerie around each other. We have sleepovers so we can look like hippos, be slob kabobs and eat various forms of cheese. The only lace things happening are Lays potato chips.

Anyway, after hearing Susan B. Anthony scream from the grave, we get down to the last round of this "competition" between...DUN DUN DUN....Alayah and Sydney (I AM SHOCKED WOW DID NOT SEE THIS COMING).

Alayah ends up winning by essentially sitting on Sydney (lololol) to which Sydney later says "What was I supposed to do, it was like an elephant sitting on a rat." Umm, well done....insulting yourself? Why would you call yourself a rat? There are so many small animals you could be?

Later during the evening portion of the group date, Alayah steals Peter away first and is it just me or does she look like Lauren Jauregui from Fifth Harmony?

Alayah is obvi way tanner, but you get the picture. She tells Peter she wants to be more vulnerable and open with him because she's more than just a pageant queen while repeatedly saying she is a pageant queen. This would be like if I told you to think of me as more than a giant M&M even though I'm constantly in an M&M costume, eating M&Ms, reenacting the commercials and made up of chocolate encased in a candy shell. Doesn't match up.

While Alayah and Peter are chatting, Sydney shares that she thinks Alayah is fake and putting on a facade for the cameras and isn't genuinely here for the right reasons (FYI: THERE ARE NO RIGHT REASONS TO BE ON THIS GOD-FORSAKEN SHOW).

And now with all of these stupid pieces in place, it's time for...

The main event of the night

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Alayah returns to the group bragging about the great conversation she and Peter had until Sydney breaks into her monologue by asking "Do you like work at all?" And y'all, when I tell you I scream laughed (as a note Alayah says she has 3 jobs). Sydney then tells her straight up that she seems so rehearsed and for the cameras.

Sydney then carries this feeling with her during her time with Peter, telling him how fake she thinks "some people" are when the cameras are around. And this is of course one of Peter's biggest concerns (since he experienced Luke P during Hannah's season), so he thanks her for sharing her worries.

He deals with this troubling news the best way a mature person should — by putting Sydney on blast in front of the group to snitch on who she thinks is here for the wrong reasons:

Like damn Peter, can't even play it cool. Sydney has no problem saying she thinks Alayah is fake, which angers Alayah who asks the group "DOES ANYONE ELSE HERE THINK I'M FAKE?" And no one says anything because who wants to voluntarily take part in this clownery.

The night ends with Peter giving Sydney the group date rose "for her honesty."

A star shines its brightest before it burns out

A moment to recognize Sarah because getting destroyed in a pillow fight is the one and only way we'll remember her since this was the only screentime she got before being sent home. I was sure she would be our dark horse this season and surprise us with being a top fiver, but this week refuted that entire hypothesis. Shine bright, diamond.

Oh good, back to this one dramatic event that must dictate an entire episode
Instead of having a cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, Peter decides to have a little pool party with the women and nothing screams "pool party!" like shorts styled after a rocket popsicle:

We quickly learn this is not a fun party, but really just a reason for Peter to interrogate all of the women to help him decide if Alayah is actually fake. And now that the women don't publicly have to be narcs, all of them tell him they agree with Sydney's assessment of Alayah's fakeness.

Instead of concluding that she must be fake based on every woman in the house telling him she is, he decides to run this by Alayah to be like "They said you're fake, what do you think?" to which Alayah is like:

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And Peter throws out all of this detective work from the day and is like "Cool, I believe you" and DEAR GOD WE ARE LIVING IN AN INFINITE LOOP.

So Alayah is feeling reassured about where she is with Peter but there's still like 30 minutes left in the episode so we need to drag it out more. Peter proceeds to chat with Victoria P., who he newly trusts the most. Victoria drops a bombshell, telling him she actually knew Alayah before the show (because they were both pageant queens), but Alayah told her to pretend to not know her to avoid jeopardizing their chances on the show.

In the world's worst game of telephone, Peter then runs to Alayah to present this new evidence to which Alayah is like "oh shit":

She tries to talk her way out of it, but it's like watching a one-winged bird, flapping all over the place with no direction. So don't worry! This isn't over yet! More to come, hooray!

Here's the thing about Madison

Her and Peter are actually really freaking cute. They're like some unreal gorgeous couple from one of those CW shows. And I actually like her (now that I can differentiate her from Hannah Ann). She hasn't had as much camera time as I thought she would, but I'm pretty sure that's because the producers are attempting to avoid being so upfront about the fact that Peter is already in love with her.

Here's the thing about Lexi

What in the actual hell is this shirt. Like do you think she cut it out herself or do you think it came like that from Urban Outfitters for $80?

WILL ALAYAH GET A ROSE?
It has now been 450 days since the last Rose Ceremony, so it seems like the right time to have one. These roses really don't matter until we're down to a single digit, so let's cut to the chase. We get down to two roses with Mykenna, Alayah, Jasmine, Sarah and Alexa remaining. Peter leaves the ceremony for a sec and returns with Chris Harrison who, GASP REMOVES A ROSE:

Mykenna is so shocked, looking like Peter just pulled a raccoon out of his ass or something:

Much to the relief of Mykenna's brain, he ends up giving the rose to her. So Asian Jasmine, Pillow Punched Sarah and Cool Girl Alexa are sent home along with Alayah. It's pretty clear he wavered on giving Alayah a rose, before deciding not to (but also why not just give that rose to Sarah, who suffered a concussion for his love?).

After sending Alayah home, the night ends with Peter still confused about his decision, while trying to see if he's singing a G-flat in-tune.

And that's it! Except not really because previews show Alayah returning next week. Yay.

See you next week for the Grammys and week 4 of this mind numbing show! Til then, find me in the frozen aisle getting rocket popsicles and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2020 SAG Awards?

I will repeat this every year — I love the SAG Awards. There isn't a televised red carpet, which means we are spared 3 hours of the potatoes Seacrest and Rancic trying to blend in with the beautiful gourmet fruit basket of celebs. And like public transit in Japan, the SAG Awards are UNBELIEVABLY on time. I feel confident asserting they are the only show that actually knows how to read a clock and like, runs according to this weird new thing called....a schedule.

Awards are only given for acting meaning this is just celebs getting in a circle and patting each other on the back for two hours (notice I avoided calling this a "circle jerk" because I am above that simple, immature humor).

Let's get to the best on-time show of the season!

Best dressed

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Despite the fact that awards season is being a petty little bitch to J.Lo by not giving her the recognition she deserves for Hustlers, she's still out here looking better than everyone else. Loving the middle part long bangs circa-2002 she's got going on complemented by some standard accessories — $9 million in Harry Winston diamonds. NINE MILLION. NOT ONE OR TWO. NINE. Honestly it's sort of lazy for her to copout at 9 and not hit 10. I also really like the varying textures of her gown and the giant bow because I love comically large (or small) versions of things.

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Charlize said it's crop top season year round y'all! Here's the thing about Charlize Theron that I bravely want to be the first to declare — she has a really really really really good face. Those cheekbones! Who needs contouring when you've got cheekbones that could carve an ice sculpture. She could honestly wear CVS receipts and guacamole and still look amazing. In a sort of "stars are like us!' moment, she mentioned she didn't have time to get her roots touched up, but then emphasized she is not one of us by sharing she just had her stylist CASUALLY DRAPE A TIFFANY'S BRACELET DOWN HER PART. If you haven't done that to hide your roots, you're poor (me, I haven't done that I am poor).

These weirdos are cute

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If you hate salt, have no taste and haven't seen Stranger Things, this is Natalia Dyer and Charlie Heaton. I wanna say they've been dating for a couple years now and they're sort of oddly adorable? They look like one of those wildly intense couples, like they read thick ass novels to each other while maintaining extended periods of eye contact and have agreed to only laugh twice per year. And they buy vintage Levi's (they wear the same size, so it's easy to share) and hope to one day have an oat milk farm where they live out their days milking the oats. Anyway, I haven't thought about this much and I know they both look like they're allergic to the sun, but they're cute and they're always pretty fashionable together.

Mmm so jealous this looks delish

Following the Golden Globes' and Critics Choice Awards' plant-based dinners, the SAG Awards were like "We can do that too!" and served this super decadent meal. I guess in some way it's hilarious that this room is full of A-listers and they're being served beans and big ass carrots on top of some leaves. This looks like a "meal" college me would've "cooked" from random things in the fridge. But why did they mess around with giving them so many utensils though, like you need four forks to eat a carrot.

DERNIN' AND BURNIN' THROUGH AWARDS SHOW SEASON

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My #2 favorite white lady Laura Dern picked up another award to throw in the trunk on her way to the Oscars and looked great doing it. Even chose a gown to match the trophy! That Laura Dern, always one step ahead. She thanked her dad, Bruce Dern, who was also there because he has a small (and sort of weird but funny) role in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

I want to be very clear — I will not watch Marriage Story. Three people have told me it's boring as hell and that's three more than I would require to convince me not to watch. Moreover, I cannot stand ScarJo. But! I have watched Laura Dern's clips because I know (without watching in full) that she is the best part of this movie. Exhibit A:

HOW DOES SHE KEEP HER HAIR SO VOLUMINOUS? And okay some people are saying we're in this sort of "Dern'aissance" so she gets nominated for breathing, but that's only because her breathing is the best and also CAN I SEE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE OUT IN THE PARKING LOT, THANKS.

She's def winning the Oscar this year and whether she knows it or not, the prize that accompanies every Oscar featuring the nameplate "Laura Dern" also gets me living with them for a year! Yay!

It makes no sense why he won't date me

When Adam Driver was walking the red carpet, he stopped to talk and take photos with some Army guys in uniform and it's like, had I known that was a possibility I probably would've stayed in the Army a while longer. The recruiters should really tell you about your chances with Adam Driver when you sign your contract.

A little known fact, the movie "Baby Driver" is actually based on what I plan to yell at him if I get within yelling distance. They just forgot the comma a couple words, because it's more like "...give me a BABY, DRIVER!" I'll see myself out.

Clapping men in glasses I enjoy

Omg Mahershala with the wedding ring shot, I GET IT YOU'RE MARRIED AND I GUESS OVER ME. While I have a storied past with Mahershala, Pedro Pascal is actually new to my imaginary love life. You may remember him as the guy who got his head squeezed like a lemon in Game of Thrones or more recently, for his silky smooth voice in the baby Yoda-centered show The Mandalorian. Wherever you know him from, he's hot. And they both obviously read books because that is a requirement for people who wear glasses anytime ever.

I will never let go of a possible Brad & Jen reprise
So this is the last major awards show where Brad and Jen (isn't it nice how we all know we're talking about them even though they have super common first names) will cross paths, so the SAG Awards did what they had to do.

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First, Brad won the supporting actor award (he'll likely win the Oscar too) for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood and delivered a pretty funny speech at one point noting how much of a "stretch" it was for him to play a guy who "gets high, takes off his shirt and can't get along with his wife." It reminded me that Brad can still get it. And by "it" I mean my social security number because I'll be needing a new one after we get married omg what "it" did you think I was referring to.

Next on this stroll down the year 2000, Jen won the award for female actor in a drama series.

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This was the precise moment I knew the SAG Awards were plotting the Brad-Jen reunion because there is exactly zero universes where Jennifer Aniston beats Olivia Colman and Jodie Comer for a dramatic acting award. And my point was proven through the next series of events.

Here's Brad backstage after winning, stopping to watch Jen's acceptance speech:

And then, the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the pecan pie at the end of Thanksgiving — they met backstage and hugged and every single camera in the state of California exploded. I quite enjoyed the longing nature of this shot:

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It's like we've had this underlying cystic zit for 15 years and it funny came to a head. And, let's not be ridiculous, do I think this little hug signals more than just two longtime friends celebrating each others' performances? YES I'VE GRABBED EVERY EGG AND PUT IT IN THIS BASKET, CAN'T WAIT FOR THE (SECOND) WEDDING IN MALIBU THAT'S DEF WHAT THIS HUG MEANS.

When someone calls your best friend their best friend

That'll teach Nicole to send Margot a friendship bracelet.

THIS ONE'S FOR PRINCESS MARGARET

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We'll never know if Helena Bonham-Carter said that during her speech accepting The Crown's drama ensemble award or if I just screamed it so loud no one could hear what she actually said. WE'LL JUST NEVER KNOW. Her portrayal of Princess Margaret (who never found happiness, I cry) in the latest season is so heartbreakingly good. The entire cast is pretty stellar, including the actor they got to play a young Prince Charles who is infinitely hotter than the real Charles was.

As a side note, it cracks me up that the Game of Thrones cast knew they wouldn't win this so most of them didn't show up.

Umm excuse me, where is Busy Philipps

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Michelle Williams continued her winning streak for best actress in a limited series or TV movie and sure the win was great, but more importantly, WHERE WAS BUSY PHILIPPS?

In a post-win interview, Michelle said she didn't think she'd make it to the show this year, so Busy made other plans to be at a comedy festival in SF. But then, she obviously made it, and noted this is her first awards show without Busy in 15 years. 15 YEARS!! Luckily, Busy caught an earlier flight back and was planning to meet Michelle for post-show pizza celebrations. You didn't ask for those details, but that is the level of deep dive reporting I provide here (also she was saying "I love you and I'm coming home" to her daughter Matilda, not to Busy, though it really does apply to both).

That time of the year when we remember who Leslie Bibb is

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She's married to Sam Rockwell, so we see a lot of her during the season because he somehow keeps getting nominated for things despite looking like this most of the time both onscreen and off:

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He won male actor in a limited series or TV movie which was shocking, but what's truly baffling is how he has no lips whatsoever. None. A medical marvel.

Speaking of men who I'm surprised win awards....

Jamie Foxx's daughter, Corinne, speaking for all of us

Joaquin Phoenix and his smug ass took home the award (emphasis on took) for lead actor and while it was sort of nice how he used his speech to talk about his admiration for the other nominees, I still just do not get it.

Let's wrap this up with the cast and film that deserves all of the trophies this season....

PARASITE!!!

When the cast of Parasite came onstage to intro their film as a nominee for best film ensemble (the top prize), the ENTIRE room stood up. It was the second biggest standing ovation of the night only to be outdone by the standing ovation given for them actually winning it. The first foreign film to win it! Their reaction was so genuinely sweet:

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While they accepted the award, Bong Joon Ho watched and took videos like the proudest dad:

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He has been one of the best parts of awards season this year, if not just for calling the Oscars a "local" film festival (lolololol). And while this win gives me more hope about their chances for
Best Picture at the Oscars, 1917 will still probably win because the Oscars love to end a show by disappointing me. But also, if Parasite does win, South Korea is OBLIGATED to let me join any K-Pop group of my choosing. I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

And that's it! The SAG Awards ended PROMPTLY at 10:15 as scheduled which delights me more than it should.

On a completely different note (and quality level), see you all tomorrow for week 3 of The Bachelor! Til then, find me buying all the "Leaves" candles from Bath & Body Works (sometimes I must appease my inner-white woman) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).