Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 9)

This week's post is brought to you by Madison staring directly into the camera while trying to gouge her own eyes out to escape this nightmare.

We made it to Fantasy Suites! Which, let's be real here, using the word "fantasy" to describe anything sexual with plain toast Peter is absolutely hilarious. More like "Meh Suites," ya heard.

In which Madi sort of tells Peter, but doesn't
Right after the departure of Champagne Face, Madison decides it's finally time to tell Peter she doesn't want to see his lil' Peter before they're married.

I love how the producers still tried to create a romantic setting with an airplane bench and caution lights. I am positive they attempted to drag out their bottomless box of candles before security at this airplane hangar (where the Rose Ceremony took place) was like "Um, no." Partially because it's not safe to have open flames on a tarmac, but mostly because we can't risk Madi's eyelash extensions catching on fire:

Anyway, Madi's spider lashes don't mention her virginity, but she does tell Peter that if he's intimate with any of these other women, she'll probs go home. This upsets Peter because his horny ass has been dreaming of Fantasy Suites since the show began. Their conversation ends in a sort of "Umm....okay...." type way, meaning Madison will absolutely be the last date of this episode because THE DRAMA.

As a note, Madison is the only one who hasn't told Peter she's falling in love or in love with him which is eating away at Peter and also lollllllllllllll.

Oh, we're in Australia now

Thank goodness the show provided this graphic. Since we were all dying to hear Peter offend the world with a horrendous attempt at an Australian accent, we head down under for the final weeks of what has been the worst time of our lives. Now usually, all of the women stay in separate rooms because having the women stay together while they're waiting for their number be called for Peter's D.....MV (lololol) is uncomfortable and not very nice. So this time, they of course make the women stay together.

Wouldn't be surprised if this was Peter's sloppy joe work.

First up: Hannah Ann
Hannah Ann is first to explore the Gold Coast with Peter and they kick things off by doing what they do best, unnecessarily abandoning a random item:

THAT'S RIGHT. They ride jet skis before getting onto one together AND JUST LEAVING THE OTHER ONE BEHIND. First the umbrellas, now this. Also love how Hannah is literally holding on to nothing here, just assuming Peter's bird legs are gonna keep her safe.

Exhausted after ditching that cumbersome second jet ski, they hang out on the beach and makeout:

Look, movies and TV shows are always out here trying to convince you that making out on the beach is sexy, but that shit is for the birds (literally, the seagulls are better equipped for it). That is, unless you like sand in your ass and various other crevices, in which case, go for it.

Later at dinner, Hannah emphasizes that she's all in with Peter and he tells her not to worry about how there are two other women left, which wtf. They then engage in some pretty terrible kissing:

After finally crossing the mandatory time threshold before Peter can ask Hannah Ann to go home with him, he offers her this card:

It's from Chris Harrison inviting them to stay together in the Fantasy Suite. Two things to point out here: 1) Is that key from some sort of sunken pirate ship and 2) Why is Chris Harrison always the Fantasy Suite provider? Thanks, I hate it.

Hannah Ann accepts and they head to a pretty bomb ass suite with a giant balcony and hot tub and most importantly, A BIG OL' COOT BOARD:

If it were me, I'd eat those entire blocks of cheese, down the champagne, then fall asleep on this outdoor couch while rubbing my belly like a Troll doll. Now THAT is a fantasy.

They of course ignore the coot instead opting to makeout on top of this comforter, which is like, the primary thing you should not do in hotels because they NEVER wash those.

Also, they're both wearing shoes, so can someone fact check and let me know — do white people just enjoy wearing shoes on the bed?

Hannah Ann returns to her Sisterwives hotel room the next day and this is her face while recounting her day/evening with Peter:

I'm sure it was an evening of unbelievable levels of "That was fine."

Next up: Victoria
For the first part of their date, Peter and Victoria head out on a helicopter ride (this one was free because it's the 30th one that's happened this season) where they proceed to really take in the views of the Gold Coast:

They then go on a hike before settling by a stream to do the one thing they're terrible at — talking. Peter reassures Victoria that he's always on her side and he sees that she's fought for this, even though she has threatened to leave the show like 4 times. They both agree to move past the drama of last week by essentially not talking about it ever again and resolving none of their core issues. Something else that remains unresolved is Peter's chapped lips:

This photo doesn't fully capture how dry they looked. This man, just out here rubbing his crusty lips across 3 different women, the terribleness really jumps out. Not to harp on his looks, but damn he looks haggard as hell. Makes me wonder why none these women didn't just find a nice Australian man (i.e. Liam Hemsworth) to marry instead.

Later at dinner, Victoria tells Peter it's important for him to know about her past relationships and why she is the way she is. She really wants to show her depth and we learn she is about as deep as a baby's bath. (As a note, yes I'm screaming about how there appears to be cupcake wrappers on their plates.)

Here they both are, killin it with the eye contact. Victoria shares that her last relationship was for 3 1/2 years and the guy never really asked about her feelings, which is why she thinks it's weird when Peter asks. And that concludes her sharing. About as enlightening as a broken lamp. Next up are her default lines of "I don't know what you want from me" and "I'm bad at talking" topped by her most well known #1 hit, "I'm really trying."

Victoria continuing her problematic reign is just what Peter wants, as he hands her the card informing them of the Fantasy Suite that Chris Harrison has reserved for them (remains weird, but okay).

Now, remember how Hannah Ann's suite was huge and had a balcony and hot tub AND coot? This is Victoria's suite at what I think is a Best Western:

After what I'm sure was a magical evening with Peter and his salami looking scar and sandpaper lips, Victoria returns to the group waiting room to express how amazing the night was:

Also, want to note that when Victoria returns to the women's room, she's like "You guys look cute" and they're like "You look skinny," and wow brings a tear to my eye because they really are forming deep, meaningful friendships here.

And now for the main (dramatic) event: Madison
After freaking out for the past couple of days watching Hannah Ann and Victoria have their overnight dates, Madison finally gets her date. Peter meets her on the beach in his best summery attire:

He tells her they're going to the top of one of the tallest buildings on the Gold Coast. After taking an elevator almost 80 stories, they then climb a bunch of stairs outside of the building for these views:

Shoutout to the producers for selecting this photo to memorialize their date, which features Madison blinking and her left hand looking sort of like a baby's foot. Now that they've reached the top and are dressed like two electricians, they do what makes the most sense:

We have to witness this intense make-out session for longer than necessary, like this is some sort of nightclub just as the lights are about to come on.

Later at dinner, Peter shows up wearing every top that he packed:

For comparison, Madison shows up in a spaghetti strapped short dress, so I can't even imagine how matted his little chest fur was with sweat.

Madison apologizes for making it seem like she gave him an ultimatum the other night and she wants to be very honest, so she shares that she's saving herself for marriage. She goes on to say that she knows whoever her future husband is will have lived a life before her so there are no guarantees he's also ordering the virgin margarita. But she wants to make her expectations super clear.

At this point, I REALLY want to emphasize that there is no comparison between Madison and born-again-virgin/overall terrible human being Luke P. from Hannah's season. Luke absolutely judged Hannah for her past, tried to make her feel guilty and less "pure" and just degraded who she was entirely, based on the fact that she had sex (even though he was literally a sex addict before).

With Madison, she's never told Peter not to do something, she's just shared how it'll make her feel. And that she can't imagine getting engaged to a dude 6 days after he's slept with 2 different women. Peter responds as such:

While he could've been processing what she said, it's also likely he was close to passing out from the heat generated in all those layers.

The situation then gets pretty uncomfortable. Peter tells Madison that he has been intimate with the other women, and somehow gets through saying that without high-fiving himself. Madison then leaves the table to think about her life choices that got her to this point. Peter gives her approx 3.5 seconds alone before coming outside to be like "sup":

She tells him she's torn between what she expects and needs versus what she feels for Peter and he practically begs her not to leave. They remain in this whisper embrace for, again, a second longer than you would expect, before Madi is finally like:

Super cute dress!

And that's it! Based on previews and the fact that this show actually entraps people, I'm sure Madison will be back in one way or another.

We are SO CLOSE to crossing the finish line of this marathon that has been like constantly stepping on Legos! See you next week for the Women Tell All! Til then, find me campaigning for Tia or Tayshia to be the next Bachelorette and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by Kelsey's sister smiling directly into the camera while Kelsey emotionally hugs her family during her hometown date:

I mean, shoot your shot girl! Work those cameras for that 15 seconds!

We made it to hometowns! Meaning these women have convinced themselves they're okay with introducing a man who broke a glass on his face to their parents! Like Peter's hand-eye coordination, rationality doesn't exist so here we go!

Knoxville with Hannah Ann
First up is Hannah Ann who brings us to rainy Tennessee where weather is yet again a wily one, providing an environment where it's comfortable to be in a red crop top or a long sleeved flannel shirt + Patagonia jacket.

FYI they literally leave those umbrellas behind on the ground (wtf littering) before heading to the first part of their day together at an axe throwing place. Hannah tells Peter she "chose" (read: she did not choose) this date because her dad is in the lumber industry and he needs to prove he's a real manly man (LOLLLLLLLL).

At this axe throwing place where it's mandatory to fulfill every cliche about lumberjacks, everyone is wearing flannel. Peter, whose only experience with an axe is likely the teen boy body spray, is then allowed to throw sharp bladed objects around.

He's terrible at first but then I'm guessing CGI steps in and provides us with these shots of him getting bullseyes. He celebrates by lifting Hannah Ann WHILE SHE'S HOLDING AN AXE???? What the actual hell. Being elevated with a sharp object reminds me of the time my brother asked me to USE A CHAINSAW ON A LADDER to cut a branch down in his yard. I want to be very clear here — that was the first time I ever used a chainsaw and how I'm still alive is beyond me.

So they force all of these randos to watch them horribly throw axes and to top it off, they makeout in front of them because this seems like a good place for it:

After all of that athleticism, they sit down for some deep conversation, where Peter shares his "Things I love about you!" list with Hannah Ann. It includes far too much cheese for my lactose intolerant self and all I want to note is, once again, there is no way he wrote this. He absolutely does not know how to spell the word "intentional."

Now that we've gotten this unnecessary axe throwing out of the way, it's time for some old fashioned "my dad gets to decide who I marry" vibes!

The evening begins with normal pleasantries with Peter meeting Hannah's family, including her brother who sits with his hands like this the entire time.

This could very well be unintentional, maybe he was doing cats cradle with a piece of yarn before and his hands cramped into that position. Then begins the totally natural conversations of the evening. Hannah tells her sister how much she cares for Peter and her sister asks "Are you in love with him?" and Hannah is like "I'm falling in love with him" and her sister is like "Has he said the same to you?" and Hannah's like "Umm......not exactly" and Hannah's sister is like:

They both cry and actually I cry as well because THEY'RE SITTING ON THIS BED WITH SHOES ON. WTF. SHOES. IN THE HOUSE. ON THE BED??

Meanwhile, Peter talks with Hannah's mom who's like "I will support anything Hannah wants" and we're like oh this is progressive, before mom comes through and slices and dices that with "....but she's the oldest and first girl so her dad is not going to just give her away to anybody." I mean, obviously mom, you're not just gonna give that dowry to anybody.

Peter then reaches the final boss of this terrible video game:

Hannah Ann's dad is super skeptical of this entire thing, which he's entitled to be since he owns her and therefore gets to decide who buys her, I mean marries her. Peter says he has "all the hope in the world" that this can work with Hannah and their relationship is so real and he plans to tell her he's falling in love with her. Her dad tells him not to say that to Hannah unless he really really means it and Peter says he understands and will give it thought.

And by thought, I mean he mulls it over for 5 minutes before telling her while they sit on the standard prop bench that is carried to every hometown this episode. They then makeout in front of Peter's Uber where Hannah Ann doesn't just say she's falling in love, but is in fact, in love:

Peter responds to this grand declaration like you would respond to being told guac is not extra today:

I'm realizing all of these screenshots block a full view of his face and that's honestly for y'alls benefit because you don't need to see his silly putty looking scar.

Des Moines with Kelsey
Champagne Face finally brings us to the champagne capital of the world — Des Moines.

I cannot get over her makeup. Like you know how beauty bloggers talk about "baking" your face? I have never really understood what that meant until Kelsey. Now I think I get it.

For the first part of their date, they head to a winery to stomp grapes because we were all dying to get these closeup shots of their feet covered in grape juice:

Thanks, I hate it. Next they move indoors to mix up their own bottle of wine. I know it seems like I keep making comments insinuating that Peter is stupid, but that's not gonna change so anyway I think this is the first time he's ever seen a beaker up close, which explains the puzzled look on his face.

They make their own bottle that Peter creatively names "Wine," reminding us that he really does have it all. It's then time for the scheduled serious conversation where Kelsey shares she's in love with Peter and soon her family will see that too. Peter says that makes him really happy to hear, which I believe is the equivalent of saying "thank you," before diving into some making out.

With their feet now covered in dried grape juice, they head to meet Kelsey's family, who observes the very strict tradition of the women being blonde and the men being brunette:

When they all sit down to ignore a dinner together, Kelsey's mom surprises them with Kelsey's "all-time favorite dish": crab rangoon.

CRAB RANGOON. CRAB. RANGOON. Like, the fried things you get at American Chinese restaurants. I am screaming at how this is presented as the food of Kelsey's family. Dying. Also Peter says he's never had it before, so wow Kelsey really is a true international foodie.

Next on the agenda is the totally unforced conversations between family members. Kelsey chats with her sisters while Peter talks with Kelsey's mom. A conversation that happens in front of this very naturally placed ping pong table with like 500 ping pong balls:

In front of all these balls, Kelsey's mom tells Peter he's proven he's very special just by the fact that she's brought him home, but her biggest concern is he'll break Kelsey's heart (which is v likely considering he's dating 3 other women).

Kelsey then talks with her mom in this room that has definitely never been slept in.

She asks what she likes about Peter and Kelsey explains that he's accepted her through the good and bad and also all of the crying, which there's been a lot of. Her mom then emphasizes that they all just want her happy and then they both cry, honestly maybe because of the dust in this un-used room?

Also want to note that Kelsey's mom's name is Beth. I feel like we've all known a white mom named Beth at some point in our lives? And they're always the sweetest, kindest moms who know how to bake?

Anyway, the night ends with a heart-to-heart on the prop bench:

Kelsey again says she's in love with Peter again says "thanks."

Auburn with Madison
It's not a Bachelor Final Four if we don't go to Alabama (legally, they are obligated to), so Madison brings us back to the Auburn campus.

When Peter greets her, he says "We're in Auburn, how insane is that!" which is maybe one of the stupidest reactions because it's not like Auburn is some far away, hidden town? And also it is where Madison is from and this is hometown dates week so it makes sense to be in her hometown of Auburn? Dear God I can't stand this man.

For the first part of their date, they play basketball on Auburn's court as a reminder that Madi was a basketball star.

That's the men's basketball coach, Bruce Pearl (who Madi's dad is an assistant coach for), running them through drills. Through this, we learn that Peter has literally never played basketball in his life. We then get to see him challenge Madison to a little 1-on-1 while he's in the skinniest of skinny jeans ever made.

He does finish the game without somehow tripping into the seats or slamming into the court face first, so that's a pretty big win for this guy.

They wrap things up by making out on the court, which like, there are literally thousands of seats they could be doing this on, even padded seats! But yes, let's makeout on this oily, hardass court.

Later, Peter mets Madison's parents and sisters at dinner, where Madi "happens" to get "the special plate":

This is so much freaking beef, but that's not even what makes it special. Apparently, whoever "randomly" gets the special plate gets to hear everyone share one thing they love about them. So Madi's family goes around sharing how amazing she is before getting to Peter who says she inspires him. If I were the special plater of the week, I would not even be able to hear the compliments over the sound of my own chewing because DAT BEEF DOE.

During mandatory deep-chat-in-front-of-the-cameras time, Madison's mom is like "Yo, does he know you're a virgin" and Madison's like "Naaaaaaaht really." And we're all like how do y'all see through these curtains of top AND bottom lash extensions?

Madison says she's not sure how Peter will handle learning that she's saving herself for marriage when in reality she should be concerned with the fact that this dodo bird, who couldn't maneuver around a golf cart, could be the only sex she ever has.

While lash talk is happening inside, there is a frat party happening outside.

Before Madison even said it, I KNEW her dad's name was Chad. That wet/gelled hair swoop + button down-quarter zip sweater situation proves that Chads never grow out of Chadom, they simply evolve into a higher level of it. I'm dying at this screenshot because I can just hear him saying "Oh, well my father....."

Peter tells The Chad that he's told Madison he's falling in love with her and Chad replies with a line that makes me want to jump out of my skin — "Well, it's just Madison is so....pure." By "pure" he means that he has allowed no man to tend to her garden because he's her dad and therefore gets to decide her sexual timing like this is "Memoirs of a Geisha." Enforcing his position as decider-of-Madisons-fate, Chad is like "Are you sure about this and can you guarantee it'll be Madison in the end?" and Peter's like:

Again, these screenshots just happen to happen. Peter admits he can't guarantee anything, which makes sense because he can hardly guarantee he'll be able to walk back into the house without tripping into the fire pit.

The overall tone of the evening is one of uncertainty as Madison's parents do not trust horndog Peter. They end the evening cuddling on what is certainly the same bench from Hannah Ann and Kelsey's dates.

Peter tells her once again that he's falling in love (and in his interview actually just admits he loves her), but Madison (now a bit unsure thanks to her parents) holds back from saying the same which is lololololol.

And for the real drama — Virginia Beach with Victoria
Last on these hometown dates is the one woman who doesn't actually like Peter and is simply biding her time for as long as it takes to secure her spot on Bachelor in Paradise.

I'm pretty sure the necklace she's wearing is just a T for "tequila." Peter greets her ON THE BEACH wearing black pants and boots and a leather jacket?

Reminds me of that time on the historical drama "The Hills" when Justin Bobby wore combat boots to the beach, thanks I hate it. Also shoutout to Victoria for being the worst dog owner ever and just straight up losing her dog to hug this overdressed bozo.

For the first part of their date, to experience the real Virginia Beach, they head to a tourist trap for some old timey photos.

I had no idea people still paid money to do this. It's like paying money for pics with "Elmo" in Times Square.

During mandated serious relationship talk time, we all learn something pretty critical — that Peter is def gonna have a receding hairline in about 3-4 years:

I knew I was right to be a bit skeptical about his sort of fuzzy, thin hair.

Victoria then surprises Peter with OMG WOW, a country music concert, something that has never ever been done on this show before:

This time is special though because Victoria hasn't "dated" the performer. For those of you who missed Hunter Hayes' accomplished career based on the success of one song in 2011, this is Hunter Hayes. His song includes the lyrics "I don't want easy, I want crazy," which perfectly encapsulates Peter's obsession with Victoria, a woman who can't stand him. Since this is their song, they do that thing where they dance on a slightly elevated surface, making them appear 8 ft tall compared to everyone around them.

I cannot emphasize this enough — if I NEVER see Peter "dance" again, it'll be too soon. The way he just repeatedly lifts his shoulders up and and down like some sort of vulture about to take flight will haunt me forever.

They then part ways to get ready to meet Victoria's family that night, but before Peter can leave, blurry face approaches him:

This is Marissa, who Peter dated years ago in California, but she's actually from Virginia Beach and recently moved back. And since the population of Virginia Beach is seemingly 12, she of course knows Victoria. She proceeds to warn him about Victoria, saying he deserves better and that Victoria has broken up "several" relationships in the past. After being presented with the 290th red flag about Victoria, I think the question we all have is — what kind of drink do you think a "RUBY-O" is?

So Peter heads into the the evening reeling from this news, and by "reeling" I mean I bet the producers had to tell him to calm down and stop being so giddy about the extra layer in this 7-layer dip of Victoria drama.

They sit on the stairs to talk before meeting her family I guess because the bench had not arrived yet from Madison's house.

Peter confronts Victoria while she apparently imagines herself anywhere but here eating ice cream.

This conversation happens:

Peter: Marissa told me you're a homewrecker
Victoria: Oh shit, did she name the specific people I've broken up, er I mean, did she name names
Peter: No, but why would she say this
Victoria: WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DRAMATIC
Peter: Okay, well how many couples have you broken up
Victoria:

She obviously deflects by accusing him of just attacking her and believing this other girl over her. In perhaps the funniest moment of the season, he asks "Do you think I enjoy this?" YES YO SCRUBBY SLOPPY ASS DOES. You know those fish that keeps fish tanks clean? That's Peter, just sucking up all of the dirt and loving it.

The conversation then continues:

Peter: Just tell me the truth
Victoria: HOW DARE YOU ASK ME FOR THE TRUTH, STOP ATTACKING ME
Peter: Wut
Victoria: YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU TO MEET MY PARENTS
Peter: I don't think you want to fight for us
Victoria: lolol, true I AM SO DONE
Peter: I'm def gonna give you a rose still

They wrap up the evening with a nice argument in the street before Peter leaves without meeting Victoria's family.

But the drama's not over yet! Because as is protocol in every toxic relationship, after every fight is the apology phase that makes you question actually getting out of this stupid relationship.

Victoria says she's "trying" and she's never "had to try" before (I'm avoiding a snide remark here because I'm almost at my max limit). She tells Peter she's falling in love with him and he's like, I can't make a decision about us right now because there's still 15 minutes left in this episode and I need you all to fly back to California so I can give out roses.

Freaking finally

Now that these hometown dates have taken 14 years, it's time for the Rose Ceremony! Let's check the scoreboard:

Madison - loves Peter, still needs her dad to sign the permission slip for them to get married
Hannah Ann - in love with Peter, def wants to marry him
Kelsey - REALLY in love with Peter, would marry him now
Victoria - lolololol thinks Peter is ok, has only made eye contact with him 3.5 times, has trouble remembering his name

Based on this, Peter of course gives the 3 roses to Madison, Hannah Ann and mother fracking Victoria, sending Kelsey home. Which coincidentally enough also sends home our last bit of diversity in this group as she was our only blonde. Wow, are all blondes out there doing okay without representation in the final 3, difficult.

It's important to remember that Peter clearly based a lot of his decision on what's to come next week — Fantasy Suites.

See you for that! I'm sure it will be a complete nightmare! Til then, find me shopping for age defying moisturizer because this season is aging me and not like a fine wine, more like old milk, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).