So glad to be here with you all for another season of The Bachelorette, especially since based on what this current season is pushing, I am going to die by age 40 from loneliness unless I seek out a special antidote called marriage.
Right, so if you didn't know from the promos or the fact that her age is mentioned every other minute, 39-year-old Clare is our Bachelorette. Honestly surprised the show didn't make her wear some sort of button that says "I'M 39" like being 39 is a personality (FYI it is not). For background, she was on Juan Pablo's Bachelor season (which was before I started watching, simpler times), the first two seasons of Bachelor in Paradise and the random one-off season of Bachelor Winter Games.
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I'm not gonna say that Clare was a terrible choice for Bachelorette because that is rude. What I will say is someone that is not Clare should have been Bachelorette (see, much better). And this has nothing to do with her age, I'm mostly questioning Clare's own decision to keep trying this method to find a husband. Similar to how I keep revisiting the option of wearing a romper only to definitively be reminded I should not, this girl has to undergo the same realization. These rompers ain't for you.
With all of that being said, let's get into the first episode of the oldest Bachelorette, Clare, who is the oldest Bachelorette (oh also, she's 39, making her the oldest Bachelorette in history ever on TV ever, a single woman has never lived this long, according to sources at ABC).
How we actually know Clare is 39
Look, when you're in your 20s, you only need like one, maybe two pillows because your neck hasn't begun degenerating and sleeping "weird" won't handicap you for 24 hours. But in your 30s, you derive actual joy from a nice comforter and this thing that is a defining aspect of being 30 — decorative pillows. I'm not being sarcastic. When I hit 30, I had an instant urge to own scented candles and decorative pillows. Which, as you can see in this shot (when Chris Harrison let Clare know she was the next Bachelorette), Clare has at least 2 pillows on the floor, which is the natural resting spot for all decorative pillows because you don't actually use them for anything other than confirming to yourself that you are a decorator.
Anyway, Clare is excited and relieved to hear she's the next Bachelorette because (this is a direct quote) "I'm 39 and I might never get the chance to meet my husband." Love how Clare herself is perpetuating this idea that she's some sort of ripened avocado with just a short window of time to become a man's avocado toast or she's.....toast (clap, please).
"I have been waiting to meet men who want to date me"
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So for about 80% of the premiere, Clare paints this picture of herself like she's some frumpy swamp monster who's never experienced love or interacted with men before. When like girl, you got 30 dudes to quarantine for 2 weeks (I mean at a luxury resort so don't pity them) and get tested for COVID just to get the chance to meet you. At one point she asks "Where else on the planet can I date 30 men?" and clearly she has never gone on Tinder on a Friday night in New York.
When you don't have COVID or socks
I'm sure all of us knew at least one guy who studied abroad somewhere in Europe over a summer and came back with a renewed "fashion" sense based on cropped pants and loafers with no socks. These guys are just a sampling because I'd say approx 65% of feet in that house on night one were not wearing socks. And science tells me that 98% of men have disgusting Shrek feet so I imagine the skunky smell coming from the sweaty feet of these men after 18 hours of filming was pungent to say the least.
FYI we already know who Clare picks
I really buried the lede here, but we already know that Clare faces a real...Dale'lemma....and cuts her season short and just picks Dale. Which I mean, look at this man. Among a house of men that are, on average 6s, he is a 10,000 — tall, handsome, former NFL player, cute smile, sweet personality, wearing socks. Right after meeting him for the first time, Clare says he's her future husband and again, I don't blame her because I too think he is my future husband.
Later on, she basically rushes through talking to most of these pinecones to finally get time with Dale again. And it's no surprise that he gets the First Impression Rose.
As a reminder, this news about Clare cutting her season short broke months ago, but it's funny to see ABC try to spin promos like we don't know what's gonna happen.
A collection of stalkers/killers from 90s Lifetime movies
Again, I do not purposely take these screenshots, they just happen and I cannot deny fate. I don't remember any of their names, but guy on the left looks like his main form of communication is whispering, guy in the middle could possibly be the Russian boxer villain in an off-brand Rocky film and guy on the right SURELY says "Oh, so you're a feminist" when you mention having a job.
No
I don't remember this man's name but he looks like a Charles so that's what I'm gonna call him. Charles introduces himself to Clare by "proposing" with a tiny toy butt making a farting noise. That isn't actually what turned me off about him, it's (you guessed it) THOSE FLESH COLORED EYEBROWS. I would not even let this man fully get out of the limo. I'd zero in on those bare spots where brows should be and send him home IMMEDIATELY.
Doing the white thing
You guys, this show always gives us aggressively white people, but Bennett might be the the final vanilla boss. Along with being a "wealth management consultant" (I assume for his dad?), you can just tell by that haircut and the fact that he showed up in a Rolls-Royce (I assume also his dad's?) that he doesn't eat bread and also thinks because he had to wait 20 min for a table one time at Le Bernardin, he has faced challenges. Bravo, Bennett.
What is Jason Wahler doing here
Per you reading this and watching The Bachelorette, I'm going to safely assume you also watched Laguna Beach and/or The Hills so you know who Jason Wahler is. If not, doesn't Lauren Conrad's eye peeking out in that photo on the right give it away. Anyway, based on those isosceles triangle eyebrows, you will not convince me this man on the left (whose name I do not know) is not him.
Chasen a high, ya know
I mean if you were forced to quarantine for 14 days just to meet what ABC is describing as the world's oldest single woman, wouldn't you get a little high too. I don't remember Chasen interacting with Clare at all, and for all we know, he wandered back to his room, ordered fries and went to sleep.
Well, hello
You really didn't think I'd get through a whole post and not dedicate an entire section to inappropriate comments about the men I find most attractive, did you?
Let's just say Ivan'na get to know him OH JUST LAUGH THAT'S CLASSIC. Also he's an aeronautical engineer? I'm feeling a little aero'naughty'cal myself, so. (I'm genuinely sorry about that one.)
I'm gonna cut right to the point here — BROWS. You know I love a good pair of brows and these (unlike those flesh colored ones mentioned before), these are good ones. Brandon gives me major The O.C./90210 vibes, which is why it's confusing that he lives in Ohio. Like, do you think he is the hottest man in Cleveland, he has to be right? Also real estate agent? I've got some real estate he can invest in (again, I am very sorry, I'll see myself out).
Was this guy here all night
I'm not spending any time recounting the whole Rose Ceremony because 1) I don't remember it all, 2) These early ceremonies where there's like 540 guys do not matter, and 3) Most of the brunette men look like slight variations of each other so it's not like I can actually tell them apart. BUT, what I will say is who is this man? Are we even sure he didn't just get lost on the way to Burning Man? He looks like he could possibly be the lead singer of a folk group or is possibly one of the Chainsmokers? Anyway, *pretty* sure he didn't get a rose (but who knows).
Can't forget the stupidly transparent drama to introduce this season's villain
So guy on the left, Yosef, lives in Alabama and I actually liked him at first because he showed up with a plate of MoonPies. Y'all, I LOVE MOONPIES. THE CHOCOLATE. THE GRAHAM COOKIES. THE MARSHMALLOW FLUFF. I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS. Anyway, despite his weird Jimmy Neutron hairdo, I didn't mind him because he was the bringer of MoonPies.
Guy on the right, Tyler (pronounced Taaaaah-ler), is from West Virginia and shows up in a station wagon with "all of his belongings," which is apparently just a lamp and one vintage suitcase from The Great Depression. I want to be very clear from the jump that both of these men are semicolons and we could probably do without them; but nonetheless, drama ensues.
Tyler realizes that he recognizes Yosef as a guy who has been sliding into the DMs of girls he knows back home in West Virginia. It's about as stupid as you can imagine so I'm not rehashing all of it. Tyler confronts Yosef about it because we're 2/3 of the way through the night and none of these ding dongs have caused drama. Yosef denies the DM sliding and then decides he needs to tell Clare about it.
Clare then asks Tyler to join them so she can hear both sides of this ludicrous argument. Here is how that chat goes:
Clare: So what happened?
Tyler: I'm friends with some girls back home who Yosef has messaged. I have seen the messages.
Yosef: LOL there's no way that's true because when I DM girls they ALWAYS respond. And that is my defense. It is sound and totally clears me and doesn't make me sound like a douchebag at all.
Clare: I mean, I guess we'll never know the truth.
Long story short, Clare ends up giving the last rose of the night to Yosef, who looks like he absolutely sends the same shirtless pic to 25 girls at one time, and sends home Tyler, who looks like he probably doesn't even know how to lie. And thus is born our season's villain, Yosef. Congrats!
The best part of the evening
Just wanted to follow up on all that talk about MoonPies with said MoonPies. I find it extremely upsetting that no one paid them ANY attention by eating them all??? These men ain't shit.
And that's it! Per the promo for the rest of the season, ABC clearly thinks we're idiots who don't remember there's already been confirmed reports about Clare and Dale. And even worse, THEY SHOWED US NO CLIPS OF TAYSHIA WHO WE KNOW TAKES OVER THE SEASON??!! LIKE, WE ALREADY KNOW, JUST SHOW US. It's incredibly frustrating. It'd be like if I baked a bunch of fresh ass cookies, showed you those cookies, then put those cookies in a lock box and said "YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT'S IN HERE."
Because of this frustration I will only continue to watch every single minute of every episode for eternity. Hope that teaches this show a lesson. See you all next week for what has to be one of Clare's final episodes? I hope? Til then, find me indulging in MoonPies like they're giant Oreos, eating the marshmallow fluff first, then eating the chocolate covered cookie parts last (please, form an orderly queue fellas) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
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