Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

This week's episode is brought to you by last week's "Who is this." I've since learned that his name is Nick. He shows up to the first Rose Ceremony of the episode in mob boss leisure wear that highlights his tiny, white chest, which apparently works because Becca gives him a rose. But the gold chains don't mesmerize her enough, as she ends up sending him home at the end of the episode because she has literally never interacted with him and likely only gave him a rose before because she thought he was the pizza delivery guy.

The injured chicken returns

Chicken returns to the house just before Rose Ceremony #1 and Becca gives him Clay's rose...I mean a pity rose...I mean a rose. She then tells him to go lie down because he needs rest and honestly I can't believe she didn't say something like "Does your face hurt? Because it's killing me." OOOOOOO. I'm generally annoyed with David because it seems like his sole purpose of being on the show, aside from assaulting floors with his face, is to argue with Male Model Jordan. He obsessively talks about him like me at a Shawn Mendes concert and it's just sad.

Okay and also, the other guys welcomed him back like he got injured saving a litter of puppies from a house that was on fire atop a mountain. And I'm not saying that I need my man to be immune to injury, but I would like my man to be able to win in a fight against a bunk bed. Call me old fashioned.

Also, all of the shots we were provided of his busted face and bloodshot eye made him look like a Batman villain.

I can so clearly hear him saying "GOTHAM IS MIIIIIINE."

WHURR THE POPCORN

After Chicken returned and Male Model Jordan was multitasking by lifting his eyebrows and complaining at the same time, all I could think about was how that candle-lamp-thing looked like a popcorn machine. I'm including a photo of a popcorn machine for those of you who just time traveled to now from 1800. It made me want popcorn real bad.

Speaking of Jordan, Becca gives him this pair of gold hoochie shorts as a joke and wow I totally didn't see this coming:

It seems his only bit is....showing his bits (WOW, THANK YOU SO MUCH, NO NEED TO APPLAUD).

No.

This is Lincoln defending his theory that the earth is flat because "everything looks flat from a plane" and if it were round (like he is gesturing), how does the ocean not fall on top of us? He also believes we don't fall off the earth because of friction. FRICTION. Anyway, all of this is moot because we have already written Lincoln out of our lives per his conviction of indecent assault and battery of a woman on a cruise ship. While he was just convicted (after filming ended), he was charged back in 2016, so um, this seems to be a pretty big item to miss on the so-called "thorough" background check ABC does. 

"Garrett makes such good eye contact and is tall"

Speaking of people we have written out of our lives, it's racist-bigot-idiot-garbage-bag Garrett! Becca chooses him for the first one-on-one date in Park, Utah, (where we have relocated for this episode) because of his ability to be tall and maintain eye contact at the same time. RENAISSANCE MAN! They do some cheesy 90s romantic comedy shit like trying on hats while taking photos with a DIGITAL CAMERA (what even) and the entire date is more vanilla than Vanilla Ice eating Vanilla Wafers. We learn that Garrett was married before and got a divorce after 2 months because "she was emotionally abusive." He also says that he thinks he fell in love with and married the wrong person, which yes you idiot, that is why you got divorced. Becca seems a bit worried about Garrett's divorce bombshell but then instead of addressing it further just makes out with him and gives him a rose.

Can someone Venmo me a John

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For the group date, Becca brings all of the guys to a quasi-lumberjack competition which seems pretty risky for a group of dudes wearing tight skinny jeans. The highlight of this is my lil' baby boo/Venmo co-founder John realizing he's way stronger than he thought. He dominates the competition and has this little chin stubble thing going on and I'm sorry did I mention he is actually intelligent? I re-read his "Bachelorette" bio and it says that he enjoys "making his world-famous banana bread." UM DID I JUST MEET THE MAN OF MY DREAMS? For those of you keeping track, this is what it takes to be the man of my dreams:

1) A good face

2) Ability to make banana bread

Omg, I'm kidding of course. The man also needs to own a wiener dog.

In which everyone is embarrassed and everything is terrible

So Jean Blanc uses his one-on-one time with Becca to first give her this perfume that he "made" by printing cursive font onto a label and gluing it over the original label for a bottle of Miss Dior.

He then goes in for what may be one of the least chemistry-filled kisses I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot because I've watched that TLC show about virgins getting married and sharing their first kiss on TV. Becca is about as into it as a vegetarian at a hamburger eating competition. Thankfully, one of the guys interrupts this physically painful moment, but this does not deter Jean Blanc. He comes back and interrupts the interruptor. He then proceeds to tell Becca THAT HE IS FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. Y'ALL, HE HAS KNOWN HER FOR MAYBE THREE WEEKS. MAYBE. She reacts by touching her face because this can't be real and she must be asleep in some wackass dream.

After processing that Jean Blanc did in fact profess his love, she tells him that she is OBVIOUSLY not there yet because they've spent less time together than it takes to warm up a Hot Pocket. Things then spiral quickly into Awkward Town and she tells him he should go because this has been weird as hell. 

As Becca is walking him out, Jean Blanc says that he only said he was falling in love because he thought that was what Becca wanted to hear. And with that, the last spritz of Jean Blanc's dignity is down the pooper. 

This whole "I LOVE YOU" then "JK! I DON'T LOVE YOU" ordeal really affects Becca and she cancels the rest of the evening, depriving us from hearing the intellectually stimulating conversation we usually get during these group dates.

Okay Wills is cute

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Becca chooses Wills for the second one-on-one date and they go snowmobiling before cozying up next to a fire with glasses of champagne that neither of them will drink. And while there is generally an "Out to Lunch" sign where my heart should be, a few things convince it to return and say "Awww." One of these things is a guy kissing your forehead:

Most "romantic" things are lost on me — roses (waste of money, I want chicken nuggets), poems (oh God), songs (OH GOD), declarations of love, but the forehead kissing thing actually makes me giggle. Involuntarily. This is the one weakness God programmed into my code. Thank goodness I'm not some sort of secret agent charged with keeping government secrets because our enemies could get anything out of me by kissing my forehead. 

While all of this was sweet, the picnic basket that accompanied their date was random as hell.

It was like one of the producers grabbed a bunch of random props to throw in a literal grocery store basket. Or did we just miss the part where Becca wears a fedora while eating Bugs Bunny carrots? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, ABC.

During dinner, Wills tells Becca that he thought he found "his person" with his last girlfriend. They were together for 3 years and talked about getting married and having kids until one day, out of the blue, she asked for a "hall pass" to sleep with another dude (and Wills could also sleep with anyone else too). Um, I'm no relationship expert, but if your significant wants to sleep with someone else, things may not be going well. Wills admits that he was blindsided by this (and they obviously broke up) to which Becca shares that she too was "blindsided" in her last relationship. To which all of civilization replied, YES GIRL WE KNOW, BY ARIE. I hate how many times his name comes up, not only because he is a human dumpster fire, but also because I'm worried if we say his name too many times, he'll just appear again in all of his boiled chicken glory. And none of us deserve that torture. 

Straight to the biz

For the final Rose Ceremony of the episode, Becca decides she doesn't need the dumbass cocktail party that usually happens before it because she already knows who she wants to give roses to. As a note, the cocktail party is ALWAYS a waste of time. The rose giver already knows who they like and 3 minutes of forced smiling and mindless chatter isn't going to change their mind. 

Becca gets straight to the business and ends up sending home mob boss sweatsuit wearer Nick and Harlem Globetrotter Christon. And then they do their normal cheers with glasses of soapy water. This always reminds me of Tila Tequila's dating show that ended every episode with the group saying "HERE'S TO A SHOT AT LOVE!" And now I'm sorry for bringing Tila Tequila up.

Here's a closer look at Andrew Keegan, who I can actually hear saying YAAAAAAAAAAAS:

Section where I reveal that I take lots of screenshots of Connor

Some of my favorite Connor moments this week (clockwise, from top left):

1) When he spoke while facing slightly to his left

2) When he took his shirt off

3) When he wore a bow tie

4) When he bit his lip while facing slightly to the right

Get you a man who can do it all.

And that's it! Baby boo's John and Connor are still going strong. 

See you next week! As always you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about the Bachelorette (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by this mouth watering plate of eggs and turkey bacon cooked up by David the Chicken, who coincidentally enough cooked up quite a bit of drama as well (see what I did there, wow).

We'll get to that later, but as a note, these are the kinds of pics girls want. Stop with the dick pics and start with the bacon pics.

Now where should be begin...oh right...

GUESS WHO'S BACK

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I don't know if I've made it clear or not, but I love Tia. Thanks to ABC for having her in the beginning of this trash fire episode! For the first group date, Becca brings back Tia and her other TV best friends for a spa day in which the dudes give them massages and pedicures and whatever none of that matters let's get to the juicy steak.

Colton is "coincidentally" on this group date that features Tia to remind us that they were in a very serious weekend-long relationship before the show. Becca pulls Tia aside to discuss this because she still can't decide if even though she doesn't quite trust him, she should keep him around because he's hot as hell. And here's how their conversation plays out, featuring Tia's flawless brows and lashes:

Becca: So I heard you and Colton hooked up.

Tia: I'm not one to go after Aly Raisman's seconds, so anyway all we did was kiss

Becca: Oh, coo coo. Do you think he thought you'd be the Bachelorette?

Tia: (internal monologue) Wait a minute, am I not the Bachelorette?

Becca: Do you think he still likes you

Tia: I mean what does "like" even mean? Because if it means he is attracted to me and would like to marry me so we can create our own Noah and Allie in The Notebook story, then yeah I guess so.

Okay, I might have exaggerated the last part. It all ends well because Tia has plenty of wieners to choose from in Weiner, Arkansas, and also TIA AND COLTON ONLY SPENT A WEEKEND TOGETHER. So, it's not like she's written his name all over her Trapper Keeper or something. It's also confusing what these men refer to as a "relationship." By Colton's definition, I've been in a relationship with an XXL pizza. Real hot and heavy. In that the pizza was hot and I got heavy.

So everything is fine and Becca can trust Colton because Tia said so. They return to the group date, which by the way, looks like some sort of cult meeting in a Ramada Inn conference room.

The biggest question I was left with was from Becca's pre-group date meeting with the ladies:

WTF IS THAT ON THE CARB PLATTER? Because to be honest, it looks like croissants, chocolate covered pretzels AND CHICKEN BREASTS? BAKED POTATOES? I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT SOUNDS DISGUSTING.

Chicken vs. Model

During the evening portion of the group date, it comes up that "model" Jordan had 4,000 matches on Tinder in a year. This really grinds David the Chicken's gears, who becomes more obsessed with talking about it than your white friend after they "discover" bubble tea. Jordan of course says that despite the 4,000 matches, he's "not really on Tinder that often." HAHA Y'ALL. If you're blessed enough to be unfamiliar with Tinder, let me give a quick summary: You swipe right on people you like and if they swipe also, then you match! So, two people have to participate. But he didn't really go on it that often, just often enough to get 4,000 matches.

Chicken decides he needs to utilize all of his one-on-one time with Becca to tell her this, which goes down like this:

Becca: So today was fun and...
Chicken: Look, I don't want to throw anyone under the bus
Becca: Okay, so yeah the group date was...
Chicken: JORDAN HAS TINDER AND OVER 4,000 WOMEN THINK HE'S HOT

Becca doesn't seem to really care because she's in a real life Tinder situation and makes a joke about it to Jordan, who only gets angrier at Chicken for pulling a "bitch move" by telling Becca. They exchange some of the stupidest back-and-forth and honestly I've never seen two dudes less capable of engaging in any sort of fight. I'll let the other guys' reactions paint the picture a little better:

I felt more embarrassed for them than I did for Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini that time I watched "From Justin to Kelly."

Model used his time with Becca to emphasize that he's here for the right reasons (to be on TV, duh) and that he's a great boyfriend, likening himself to a golden retriever, which I assume means he'll eat your food if you leave it out and then shit in your bed.

Both Model and Chicken's idiocy prove to be fruitless as Becca ends up giving the group date rose to Tia's ex Colton.

Wait, this isn't the guy from 10 Things I Hate About You?

Becca admits TO HIS FACE that she forgot this dude's name but then tells him that she has a crush on him (great save). I want to hate on her but that's hilarious. She straight up says "New phone, who dis" then makes out with him. Not all heroes wear capes. Also, I was shocked to learn his name is Jason and not Andrew Keegan.

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Watches "Josie and the Pussycats" once:

Becca rocks this outfit from Forever21's 2010 "metallic" collection for her one-on-one date with Chris at Capitol Records (which is actually pretty cool).

As a reminder, Chris is the smoothie you get when you blend Chandler Bing's crazy roommate Eddie (from an early season of Friends) with young'ish Ben Stiller:

So they go to Capitol Records where Richard Marx happens to be...right here waiting (lolololol)...to lead them through a songwriting session, because if there's anything two non-musical people want to do, it's write music. This reminded me of a time in 3rd grade when my friends and I decided we were going to start a music group, so we of course needed to build a catalog of music. As an example, one of our songs went like this (totally uninspired by any other music groups at the time): "Girl power, We need some girl power, Girl power, We need some girl power, There's too much boy power." Which, I mean wow, pretty insightful for a bunch of 8-year-olds.

They both write some lyrics about getting to know each other and Richard Marx (who looks miserable doing it) combines their lyrics into a song. This entire date would have been exponentially better if: 1) They didn't have to do any of this and 2) Instead of Richard Marx, Danity Kane performed for the entirety of the date.

Later during the "dinner" portion of the date, Chris tells Becca that his parents got divorced when he was young and his dad pretty much abandoned the family. About 5 years ago, he wrote his dad a letter, trying to re-establish a connection, but never received a response. It's a pretty heavy conversation and ends with Becca giving him a rose. They then have a competition to see who can fit more of the other person's head into their hand.

In which Chicken gets into a fight...

....with the floor. I fucking hate ABC for framing this episode like The Model attacks The Chicken in his sleep or something. Turns out, David is taken to the hospital after falling out of bed and smacking his face on the floor. Chris Harrison, who literally only brings bad news, lets Becca know and she calls Chicken who tells her that he'll be back.

In theaters this fall: The Clay Date

So Becca joins the second group date by, how else, running. Is this a stipulation in the contract or something, that for every entrance, you have smile while running? In any other situation, running toward people while attempting to show all of your teeth would be considered "frightening" and also "alarming."

For this group date, the guys do some football drills before splitting into two teams for a game and none of that matters because this date might as well have been a Nicholas Sparks film starring Becca and Clay. Here's the highlight reel:

The film's sequence of events: 

1) Scene where we meet sensitive football player 

2) Scene where we see how manly and muscley football player is

3) Scene where football player meets the right girl

4) Scene where they have an adorable close-up moment wherein both of them stare at each other in slow motion and realize they're meant to be.

And, because every romantic film must include a dramatic climactic event, Clay ends up injuring his wrist at the end of the game!

He's taken away to seek medical treatment, meaning that this episode has sent TWO guys to the hospital. Proof that the show is not only detrimental to your brain cells, but apparently also physically terrible. 

Luckily though, Clay returns during the evening portion of the date (in a sling!) and Becca genuinely looks happy and relieved to see him. She ends up giving him the group date rose, pinning it to his sling and it's adorable and whatever maybe I thought it was cute.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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In the dramatic finale of this critically-acclaimed film, we learn that Clay broke his wrist and will need surgery. Meaning he has to decide if he wants to leave the show. Which, I think it's sweet that he even debated this for a second. Should he choose his professional football career that is his passion and allows him to provide for his family? Or a girl that he met 2 weeks ago who says things like "Let's do the damn thing"? He lets Becca know and she's sad but understands that family comes first. They share this sweet moment and I honestly think he would have made it to at least the top 3. But at least there's a silver lining in that he is available for me to date. Things work out for the best.

Who is this man

Okay so I thought that if you didn't get the one-on-one date, you get to go on one of the group dates. But that's apparently not the case because this blonde, eye-rubbing dude didn't go on any of the dates! There was a better shot I could've got of him but honestly at this point it doesn't matter because he'll be going home next week.

Edward Cullen of the Week

Blake is the first man this season to realize that GASP Becca is dating like 50 dudes at once because THIS SHOW IS CALLED THE BACHELORETTE. We got many emo shots of him having an existential crisis over his Bella kissing other guys. He also calls Becca his girlfriend at one point and I guess I'm just wondering how many centuries he's been 17 for.

And that's it! With Clay gone, I'm putting just about all of my favoritism into Connor, so here's to hoping he sticks around til the end. See you next week! And as always you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by THE RETURN OF (the mention of) MY GIRL TIA!

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We'll dive into why her name came up later.

Shirtless Men + Alcohol = Classic Group Date

In general I find these early group dates exhausting because there's 500 dudes and they're all like carp in a pond trying to get to those food pellets (except the pellets are the Bachelorette). But I didn't mind this group date for reasons I'll let you figure out on your own. The guys arrived to this cute little house to find they were being fitted for nice tuxedos and let's just let Becca take us on this journey:

"Omg, hot men are changing, I'll look away because I am ever so polite and shy"

"Why, what is this? Booze?"

"BRING ME ALL THE HALF-NAKED MEN IMMEDIATELY WOOOOOOO"

So all of the six packs got fancy and headed outside to be greeted by these cheese balls:

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Yes Rachel, we all remember you as the idiot who went with your second choice guy who has cheek implants, hair plugs and an overall creep aura because you needed an immediate proposal instead of a FINE ASS PETER THAT AGES BETTER THAN WINE. Anyway, she let the guys know they'd have to go through this obstacle course that was apparently supposed to be symbolic of the things you go through leading into marriage.

Becca said she needed to "see if they have what it takes to be marriage material," because nothing proves a man's loyalty and maturity than making him wear an expensive ass suit to roll around in mud before using his face as a shovel to dig through cake.

You'll be shocked to learn that I've never eaten a cake with just my face, but it seems like it'd be a really educational and immersive experience. In the end, British guy Lincoln wins and we move on to the actual date part of the evening wherein they all cheers with drinks none of them will drink and that I can assume are just water with food coloring and soap bubbles.

The battle of the chests

The drama of the evening is presented by Lincoln and my favorite Connor. Lincoln brags about winning the group date challenge and is touting this photo that was taken of him and Becca after the win. Connor can't handle the fact that no one remembers he was in Clueless and eventually takes the FRAMED photo of Lincoln and Becca and throws it out the window. Which, okay yes rude, but also really hilarious. In general, reacting by throwing a small object kind of cracks me up. One time in college I was (perhaps drunk we'll never know) in a club and this guy I knew came up to me and my friends. He was wearing glasses and, as one does when presented with a person wearing glasses, I asked if I could try them on. Long story short, I tried them on then proceeded to throw them into the crowd. HAHA Y'ALL. INTO THE CROWD. Why anyone lets me hang out ever is beyond me.

Back to the point. After the picture throwing, Lincoln tells Becca about it and says he was looking forward to showing the pic to his mom and that now he feels physically threatened by Connor. But the real drama unfolding is WHO WILL SHOW MORE OF THEIR CHEST? I swear both of them had extra buttons sewn on their shirts just so they could unbutton them.

All of this drama mattered less than the opinion of someone who hates puppies as Becca ends up giving the group date rose to Jean Blanc and we learn that kissing doesn't always have to look like a little fish being eaten by a big fish.

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Let's show how Becca is over Arie by constantly bringing up Arie and making the season about Arie

Tall glass of almond milk Blake gets the first one-on-one date. For the first part of it, they put on jumpsuits that Becca attempts to glamorize in the same way any 13-year-old girl would - by belting it and cuffing the pants of course! Where the hell did that belt come from? And more importantly, do you think I should get Timbaland boots?

They proceed to "bash Arie" by destroying a bunch of TVs replaying Becca and Arie's engagement, the couch he dumped her on, one of his old race cars and apparently champagne bottles because slapping shattered glass around really shows your ex what's up. And this entire portion is emceed by Lil Jon which isn't confusing at all.

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During the dinner portion of the date, Blake tells Becca that he fell fast for his last girlfriend and told her he loved her after only 2 months. He found out she planned to break up with him when he saw texts on her phone that said "Did you dump him yet," which daaaaamn. My little almond milk. Becca rewards his sweetness with a rose and some mouth-to-mouth and EVERYONE IGNORES THE BIGGEST, JUICIEST CHICKEN BREAST.

Pond of carp date #2
The other 500 dudes go on the second group date which begins with kids (read: child actors) pelting the guys with dodgeballs as Becca wears some sort of athletic shorts made of aluminum foil.

The guys play a game of dodgeball in the gym before changing into booty shorts to play dodgeball on trampolines and no one showed me their six pack so all-in-all everyone loses. Also this dude played the entire time WITH HIS HAIR DOWN.

Nothing confuses me more than working out with your hair down. It gets sweaty and sticks to your neck and face and is generally cockatoo crazy. His hair reminded me of this girl in high school who I used to play basketball against. She ALWAYS wore her hair down during games. I can't tell you how many times I almost ran up behind her and just surprise scrunchied her.

Drama with Colton happens during the group date, but I'll scream about that in just a second. Becca gives Wills the group date rose and all I want to talk about is how I thought the rose was being displayed on a plate with fried chicken wings and clams.

AND NOW THE TIA SECTION
Colton is stressing out during the evening portion of the group date and tells one of the other guys that he has to tell Becca something. I assumed he wanted to tell her that he used to date Aly Raisman, BUT NOPE. This is the face of a woman who just found out that one of her 50 boyfriends hooked up with one of her TV best friends just a couple months ago:

THAT'S RIGHT. Colton says that back in January, he and my main homegirl Tia "spent a weekend together." Which, I mean, who knows. Maybe they spent a weekend playing Connect Four (make your own dirty joke here) or reading Crazy Rich Asians or watching The Great British Bake Off. WE'LL NEVER KNOW. Becca is shook learning this and does the whole "can I trust him" thing and anyway here were my emotions during this reveal:

When Colton said he had "something to tell Becca":

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When Colton reveals he hooked up with Tia:

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When I realized this sucks for Becca but means we get more of Tia:

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This is all very 90210'ish and Becca of course draws out the drama by giving Colton the very last rose of the night. Sidenote: I love how Chris Harrison comes out IN EVERY EPISODE and says "This is the final rose" like duh dude, we can all see there is one rose left unless Becca is hiding one in her ass. Which, actually that'd be funny. Like you think she's given the last rose until she yells "BUTT WAIT, there's one more." No one steal this idea because I plan to do it on my season of The Bachelorette.

A cocktail party, indeed

Jordan, who pronounces "ingenuity" like IN-JOO-IN-A-TEE, decides that this is how he can creatively get Becca's attention. It was stupid and all the guys clearly hate him and honestly I'm only including this so I can make the "cock-tail" party joke.

I have no idea who this man is

Apparently his name is Alex. I do not remember him at all and now it doesn't matter because he got sent home. This was the best screenshot I got because during his goodbye interview I was sifting through my cookie dough brain for any memories of him. None. Except for this one now of him crying about leaving. Rickey and Trent also went home if those names ring any bells.

Best kiss of the week

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Becca kissed a few guys this week, but this one with Clay was smoother than a dolphin's body (ew, it feels weird to type "dolphin's body"). And he's adorable. He of course got a rose this week, as did my other faves Venmo-John and Lionel Messi-Connor. So good so far!

See you all next week! Til then you can find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).