Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

This week's recap is brought to you by Kirpa sporting a coffee-shop-poetry-slam look while staring straight into the camera like this is an episode of "The Office" and she just realized how terrible everything is.

Um also this is apparently what she looks like without makeup which is outright rude and I would like to sue because my brows have been robbed.

Aaargh you kidding me
Haha, y'all are so lucky to have me. The first group date takes place at what appears to be the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. The ladies put on pirate costumes and proceed to lightly dab each other with giant Q-Tips while Colton watches dressed as a character from a low-budget pirate porno:

Miss North Carolina ends up winning the cotton swab contest and blah blah all I could focus on was the fact that one of their pirate "teachers" looked like Screech:

When you call someone out and they end up getting the group date rose

The drama between Alabama and North Carolina continues during the evening portion of the group date as Alabama realizes she can no longer keep her nondescript dislike for Carolina to herself. She offers Colton the most vague and confusing explanation as to why she doesn't like Caelynn that in summary is essentially "I don't like her." Complex, I know.

Colton is also confused and pulls Caelynn aside for clarification. She confirms they had a falling out but that she's had real shit happen in her life. Meanwhile, this "rivalry" seems to be the Tang fueling Alabama's breakfast every morning. Anyway, Colton ends up giving North Carolina the rose because that is the most dramatic thing to do.

But wait, we're not done with this!

"I'm a tank of rage"
Hannah and Caelynn's "feud" comes up again during the pre-Rose Ceremony pool party (I hate myself for typing that) when Caelynn finally tells Colton why she doesn't like Alabama - saying Hannah started talking shit about her after she beat her in the Miss USA pageant. She also says she's manipulative and toxic. Colton then talks to Hannah who's like "NOT UH! Caelynn is toxic! And manipulative! Just freakin trust me!" She then proceeds to make this face while saying she's full or rage and this is all completely normal and doesn't convince me to believe North Carolina over her at all.

They both end up getting roses meaning we have to continue living in this Miss USA Groundhog Day.

Wow still so courageous
Elyse continues her streak of bravery of being 31 on TV during the one-on-one date. She and Colton spend the day at an amusement park with kids from a children's hospital and it's actually pretty sweet. Only made stupid by the fact that Elyse cannot keep reminding Colton that she is 31. She keeps saying "I don't know if we're on the same page" and "I'm just unsure about how the age difference will play out." Girl. Calm down and stop acting like you signed the Declaration of Independence, y'all are five years apart.

She's so busy recounting her days on the Oregon Trail that she completely misses the literal red flag that he's a bad kisser:

They continue kissing badly during dinner at the show's usual spot - the bottom of the Titanic staircase:

And in keeping with the copy/paste nature of these Bachelor dates, Colton says he "has another surprise." Spoiler alert: The "surprise" is ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS a vaguely country music band playing some ballad while the couple dances in front of a huge group of strangers:

The show does this slow dancing thing EVERY SEASON and call me traditional, but I don't want to dance in front of a bunch of strangers unless "Work From Home" is playing and it's a day of the week that ends in Y and omg jk I love dancing in front of strangers (but not for money anymore).

Bri is definitely heading to Bachelor in Paradise

I have been a Bri fan since she entered the show with a fake Australian accent that lasted one episode. Then we never heard from her again, but that was only because she was extremely busy SERVING THESE LEWKS. This pool party look! Those gold hoops! That headband! I have been a staunch supporter of headbands since Blair Waldorf invented them on "Gossip Girl" in 2007 and Chrissy Teigen popularized them on vacation last year (that is the complete history of headbands).

Bri ends up not getting a rose this week because I'm pretty sure she hasn't talked to Colton since meeting him. Before leaving, she checked the oven and pulled out one last look to serve:

Her glam updo is always how I picture myself looking in a ponytail, when in reality I look like this:

See you on Bachelor in Paradise, Bri!

Okay we get it, you have a torso
For the second group date, Colton greets the ladies looking like a baby that just pooped in the toilet for the first time:

And the ladies all scream like they have never seen a shirtless man before, which, Zac Efron did not dedicate his entire career to being a horrible but perfectly chiseled actor for such disrespect. Anyway, Terry Crews and Rebecca King-Crews let the girls know they're about to participate in a "Bachelor Strongest Woman" competition, which most of their Lululemon leggings are not prepared for. They do a bunch of indoor activities first and Sydney uses that time for some casual stretching:

ABC makes these people do the cheesiest, cliche things. I'm shocked they haven't rolled out a pottery wheel to have one of the ladies make a bowl with Colton like in "Ghost."

The best part of this whole indoor waste of time is Rebecca's face as Nicole attempts a pull-up:

What you can't see happening in this particular shot is Catherine "helping" Nicole by pushing her up by the ass. It's like you can hear Rebecca saying "What the hell am I doing here."

Onyeka ends up winning the actual "competition," beating Sydney and Catherine. The super awesome prize is this $2.99 trophy that I'm sure some poor production assistant had to run out to Target to buy.

After this rigorous day of pure athleticism, the ladies head to the evening portion of the date where they all share 8 grapes and 2 slices of cheese:

WHAT THE HELL?? If this was the only food provided to me after an EXHAUSTING day of carrying balls, I would eat the rose. And maybe that pound cake looking candle.

Last name: Hungry. First name: Always. (And FYI Nicole ends up getting the group date rose)

Who is this

I literally forgot who this was and made a note to "find out who middle-part girl is." As it turns out, it doesn't matter because Colton doesn't remember her either and ends up sending her home at the end of the group date. This is after they have a riveting conversation in which she really opens up by telling him "My life has been good." HOW CAN YOU SEND SOMEONE HOME WHO JUST BARED THEIR SOUL LIKE THAT?

He tries to hold her hand while escorting her out and she's like NAH BRUH and luckily her Uber is waiting for her when they get outside.

This creepy shot of Colton watching Middle-Part leave reminds me of the fugly outfit he wears during this group date...

When you've got The Bachelor at 8, but have to sell used cars at 10

Whose man is this.

Wait what
Okay look, I am not one to judge except wait what is this? A robe and a gavel and here comes the judgement:

THAT GIRL ON THE LEFT IS ALSO DEMI. I had no idea who she was at first - I assumed one of the show's producers was just hanging out with the ladies. But nope. Throw on a tube of liquid liner and a heap of smoky eye and it's our very own kookaburra! Again, full disclaimer that I only judge in situations where I have an opinion to loudly share. Only in those circumstances.

Demi continues her rude ass crazypants streak this week by first insulting Tracy, saying she "can't imagine what it must be like for an older woman to be here," which okay yes that is rude but also LOLOLOLOL. As an older woman, I can confirm I would die laughing at this. And also actually die because there is nothing more hurtful than a youth calling you out.

She next uses her time with Colton to blindfold and spank him:

She thinks she is the only one who "challenges" Colton and believes she makes him nervous, which in her defense, he does look nervous every time she comes around. But like, in the same way that someone who just ate raw chicken is nervous - generally uneasy and unsure about what is about to happen.

What even is the temperature

In one shot, we see Nicole in summer clothes and Hannah in winter ones. Wtf. Is the Bachelor mansion so big that half of it is in Alaska and the other half is in Hawaii? A truly amazing show.

And that's it! See you next week when the group heads to Singapore because it's good for us to see them all being offensive in an international setting. Til then, find me yelling "THESE HURT MY MOUTH" while eating a whole bag of salt & vinegar chips and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by nice girl Cassie and former-Aussie Bri demonstrating what I would do for the entirety of the show if I were granted the distinct honor:

Carb loading every morning and liquid carb loading every evening. The dream.

PEARL, I SEE YOU
Remember super tall audience member lady from last week:

SHE'S BACK AGAIN!!! I guess she's some sort of permanent Bachelor background person. Here she is in the audience during the first group date at this theater:

I'm dying. I've decided I'm going to call her Pearl because it rhymes with "girl," therefore making it sound better when I say "GIRL, THAT'S PEARL."

Anyway, Colton and 45 of the ladies head to a theater where Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman are waiting to let them know that each of them has to come up with a "first time" story to share in front of Pearl's audience. FYI the whole "first time" thing is playing on the fact that Colton is a virgin (DID YOU KNOW), which we are reminded of approximately 16 times just in the intro.

And here's the thing. In your life, there are plenty of things you do for the "first time." Like, the first time you ride a bike. Or the first time you finish a rotisserie chicken alone from Wal-Mart. There are so many options. So anyway of course Colton shares the first time he told one of his teammates he was a virgin, WHICH OMG DID YOU KNOW COLTON IS A VIRGIN.

Wow look at this extremely brave man. And while we're on the topic of bravery...

Being 31, such a brave thing
This week I learned that making it to the ripe old age of 31 is something to be applauded for. During their one-on-one time, Ginger, I mean Elyse, tells Colton that she is GASP 31. Like omg, how did she even get onto the show, aren't her Social Security payments at risk. Also, the women who don't have to pay an extra fee to rent a car are referred to as "cougars," which, what the actual fuck. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here in my coffin looking stupid being 31 and what not.

Can y'all help figure out who she looks like? Thanks to Lea for pointing out Marcia Cross and I'm thinking maybe a dash of Kate Walsh too? But also maybe Mean Girls-era Lindsay Lohan? Am I just naming red haired celebs?

Whoever she looks like, her bravery pays off and she ends up getting the group date rose. More on the drama from that hot mess date later.

The recipe for all Bachelor dates
Miss Alabama gets the first one-on-one date (on her birthday!) because Colton thinks he "has a lot in common" with her, aka, he thinks she's hot. He also tells her he likes her teeth and eyes which is totally normal and doesn't sound like he wants to make a coat out of her at all. Very normal.

Here are the steps for any standard Bachelor date, the components of which are captured in this artistic shot that I've numbered for referencing:

1. Filler activity to get us to the date site. This is usually: riding on a boat for 5 minutes or riding in a "cool car" which is the exact same thing as riding in a normal car or riding horses. Which, I'm gonna need everyone to stop holding hands while riding horses. Like, not only does it seem dangerous but mostly, you look dumb.

Exhibit A of looking dumb while holding hands and riding horses:

2.  Next is a super deep conversation while sitting on a furniture setup from Pier 1:

3. And then we get to the hot tub of course.

No matter where the date takes place - it could be the surface of the sun or inside a shark - there will be a hot tub. Do you think the show just carts around the same hot tub to all of these different locations each season? Or do you think they had to burn the last one after Arie? This particular portion of Colton and Hannah's date had me wishing it was a Hot Tub Time Machine so I could fast forward to a place where this wasn't happening. Y'all. This was so awkward I felt it to my core. Mostly because Hannah is coming off like she's never.....spoken to a human before.

4. And the last part of this Bachelor recipe for dates is dinner that no one eats PLUS fireworks.

I know the show doesn't want them eating on camera because the mics will pick up the sounds of chewing (which didn't stop Arie's nasty ass from smacking some pasta), but at this point the date is more dead than Lindsay Lohan's career so maybe we should just get some closeups of THAT BIG ASS PIECE OF SALMON. DO YOU THINK IT WAS COOKED IN BUTTER? GARLIC? ARE THERE MASHED POTATOES UNDER IT? THIS SHOW CONTINUES TO MAKE ME FEEL UNSETTLED BY NOT KNOWING.

I'm not showing the fireworks portion because this isn't an Instagram story on the Fourth of July.

Hello crazy pants
Thank goodness Demi finally let her full crazy out. I bet she was exhausted holding it in for a whole week. She does three controversial things this week:

OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE JUST WALKED RIGHT UP TO COLTON AND KISSED HIM

This happens during the group date. I don't even remember how her "first time" story begins, for all I know it was something like "Chicken, chair, bippity boppity." She eventually says "I GO AFTER WHAT I WANT" and storms offstage to grab Colton's head. But she's just warming up the kookoo!

OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE TOUCHED THE GROUP DATE ROSE, HOW DARE SHE, THAT IS SUCH A SACRED THING.

I could not stop laughing at the shots ABC pieced together of the women reacting like Demi waltzed into the Louvre and rubbed peanut butter all over the Mona Lisa. It grinds Tracy's gears who just cannot forgive Demi for having the AUDACITY to touch the group date rose, which is sacred and only meant for one of the 350 women on this date.

Can't you just hear her saying "HOW DARE SHE." But wait, we're not off this crazy train.

OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE GAVE COLTON A REALLY BAD MASSAGE

During the cocktail party, she steals Colton away from Tracy, who by the way, Colton is not interested in. He is literally in the middle of asking Tracy "So, what's your dating history been like" when Demi interrupts and I have never seen someone jump up so quick. I'm shocked he didn't put his hand in Tracy's face while saying "YEAH LET'S GO DEMI!"

Demi then takes him upstairs and the show wants us to believe she's going to try something sexual, when in reality, she proceeds to give him the least sexual massage in the history of massages. It looks wildly awkward - him in a really tight button down and her oddly sitting next to him doing what I can only call "pawing" at his back. This is the least sexual a room has ever been.

Nonetheless, this upsets the ladies, mostly Tracy, who is still reeling from Demi defiling the group date rose. Let's stay on the topic of Tracy....

"I look like this insanely emotional girl." Omg, no why would you think that

After Demi interrupts them, Tracy decides the best way to respond is to run upstairs and cry in front of a fan (a literal fan). Which is upsetting because nothing makes me sadder than seeing the room these women live in. It's one big room with 800 bunk beds. And real talk, how much hair do you think is all over that house. Horrifying. Anyway, while Tracy is crying, the girls tell Demi and she proceeds to go upstairs to not comfort her at all. Here's their conversation:

Tracy (crying): I just didn't get to talk to him and I don't think what you did was very nice
Demi: Haha what, you're a great storyteller

During all of this she is drinking what can only be described as 14 limes in a glass.

What kind of sociopath drinks a glass of limes and one slice of orange? This show is riveting.

Okay we get it, he showers

Does Colton have some sort of weird contractual agreement to be shown showering each week? It's like there was a rumor floating around that he doesn't shower and this is his way of debunking that.

The other group date
A quick summary: It's camp themed and Billy Eichner is there and the ladies participate in some dumbass games including smoking eggs:

The team of ladies that wins gets to stay overnight at the campsite with Colton while the other ladies have to return to the million dollar house that is full of wine and snacks and soft robes. How terrible.

Of course they were roommates

During this second group date, ABC sets us up for some future drama when we learn Miss Alabama and Miss North Carolina were roommates at the Miss USA pageant. And Alabama has some residual anger toward North Carolina because we are apparently in some less funny version of "Miss Congeniality." They had some sort of falling out and to summarize: Alabama is now obsessed with Carolina. She insinuates she knows some less-than-savory stuff about her, which I'm going to assume is something like she uses CVS brand mascara or sometimes wears her hair in a ponytail 3 times a week.

I'm still a fan of Chrissy Teigen lookalike Caelynn who cements her status as smartest woman in the house by hiding hers and Colton's mouths while they kiss because she knows we don't wanna see that shit.

While on the topic of kissing...

Please don't let Colton be your first kiss
Heather, whose profession is "Never Been Kissed," looks like a character straight out of a 90s teen rom-com. And this week I finally realized who her creators were:

With some encouragement from Cassie (who I love), Heather decides to tell Colton that she has one-upped his virgin status by never having kissed anyone. He responds by being like "cool" and ends up giving her the group date rose.

Also want to note that Heather and Cassie look like they could be in an alternative-Lilith Fair-type acoustic duo and anyway here's their album cover that I have expertly designed:

I'm gonna go ahead and predict that Heather has her first kiss with Colton, which is terrible not only because it's happening on a ridiculous show but also BECAUSE COLTON IS A HORRIBLE KISSER. Although, maybe it's good because every kiss from that point on will be amazing? What I'm mostly saying here is can Colton please stop kissing in general.

This is getting old

While Knicks dancer Sydney is talking to Colton, Onyeka interrupts with a foghorn because she seems to have a collection of noise makers. And y'all, I'm conditioned to like loud noises because I've had to be around me for 31 years, but this is too much. Sydney begrudgingly leaves, but then realizes she's not a B-sian she's an A-sian and has to redeem her time. She comes out banging some pans and this entire situation is petty and really loud, but ultimately pays off because they both get roses.

And that's it! I don't even remember who went home because there's still like 80 women left. But my favorites remain Chrissy Teigen, Nice Cassie, 90s Heather and Knicks Dancer Sydney.

See you next week! Til then, find me yelling at my mom to make me fried chicken and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 1)

Welcome to season 4,883 of The Bachelor! I don't know about you, but the most reoccurring thought I always have is - why aren't episodes of The Bachelor longer? NOT. NO HUMAN HAS EVER THOUGHT THAT IN THE HISTORY OF THOUGHTS. Yet this year, ABC stepped up to meet this request no one made to give us a THREE-HOUR PREMIERE. Which, okay if it was three hours of actual, dramatic content that would be somewhat fine. But no no, we don't have tickets for the efficiency train here. We're on the train made of random bits of trash and paper and oh god it's on fire!

This week's episode was the epitome of a meeting that could've been an email. So let's dive in head first since our brain is empty because the show has killed all of our brain cells!

How this episode was 3 hours long

They hosted watch parties in a bunch of different places because there's nothing like watching people watch TV. I can't decide who is stealing this moment more - girl in the front in a jacket made of Goldendoodle or Brittany Snow lookalike to the right of Chris Harrison posing for her senior portrait. Wait, it's absolutely that 8 ft. tall guy in the button down.

Former Bachelorettes Katilyn and Maren Morris, I mean, Jojo Fletcher hosted the party in Dallas and anyway here's how they felt about it:

I know y'all probably think I'm petty, but that is literally the random screenshot I took. I can't control fate.

Two dudes Becca dumped hosted the party in someone's house:

Jason and Blake are both handsome guys but that doesn't mean we should give them microphones to host something. CAN WE ALSO ADDRESS THAT DUDE IN THE BACK LEFT:

HAHA WHAT EVEN. IS THAT A GHOST? Forced to haunt Bachelor premiere parties as punishment.

To continue this list of super A-listers, crying Ashley and Jared hosted a party in Salt Lake City where people had signs that included these two highlights:

I'm dying at that woman literally scream cheering while holding a sign that says she loves virgins.

Speaking of virgins...

Colton is a virgin, did you guys know

I planned to keep track of how many times they said "virgin" this season, but holy shit that is too cumbersome because it's mentioned every two minutes. Here's a summary of the first five minutes of the show:

"The first virgin in Bachelor history is Colton, who is a virgin. Virgin is Colton. He has decided to be a virgin because to be a virgin you have to virgin. Virgin. He's just a virgin looking for love!"

During the "Meet Colton" portion of the episode, we learn that he likes to shower, then workout shirtless, then shower again. A real Renaissance man.

Um look and not to be a buzzkill, but he didn't even use soap or a loofah in either shower scene. I bet he's one of those guys who just sprays himself with Axe and calls it a day.

Also want to remind you that Colton is a horrible kisser. We saw him weirdly kiss Becca for an entire season, then listened to Tia ask him to "use his tongue" during Bachelor in Paradise. Here are a couple of the lucky (read: not lucky) ladies who got to experience his kissing expertise:

I mean, yes this is an exponential improvement from the visual assault we received with Arie, but still. It's like he read some sort of kissing manual from the 1950s that mentioned "puckering" and it just really stuck.

Before we get off the topic of Tia...

The Tia Factor

Before we get to the ladies, we have to address the Weiner in the room because we're in this weird loop where the producers and Colton sort of shade Tia while also constantly mentioning her. Chris Harrison says he can "guarantee Tia won't show up" and later Colton asks Miss Alabama where she's from, adding "....not from Arkansas right." CAN WE JUST LET TIA LIVE?? DAMN.

That being said, I bet 400 doll hairs that she will make an appearance at some point and not to be predictable, but I'll probably scream about it.

Let's get to the ladies!

NORTH CAROLINAAAAAAAA

I know it's going to be hard for us to find someone in our North Carolina heart to replace Jenna, but Caelynn is here to do it. She's actually from Virginia but moved to North Carolina a couple years ago and then won Miss North Carolina in 2018 and was first runner-up for Miss USA. That'd be like if I had never performed surgery before then became the world's second best surgeon. That's exactly what it would be like, that metaphor is onpoint.

Anyway, she's cool and not just because she kind of looks like Chrissy Teigen (actually that's 96% of it). I predict she'll make it to at least the top 8. I also predict that when she goes home I'll be dramatic and use all caps lock and say the show hates North Carolina.

She actually ends up getting the first kiss of the season and we get to see it from this totally non-creepy viewpoint behind a statue and some bushes:

Hi random man I just met, here's my dog
Catherine is from Florida and is a DJ, which I think is the second most popular occupation in the state (bird being the first). She is one of those women who calls her dog her "child," which I assume means she kisses it on the mouth. She shows up and gives her dog to Colton because that is a completely normal thing to do. Look at that dog. Can't you just hear it screaming HELP ME, PLEASE HELP ME.

During the evening, she steals Colton away several times, which enrages Onyeka, who appoints herself spokesperson for the women to let Catherine know she's being inconsiderate.

They have one of the most hilarious "confrontations" ever, in which both of them creepily smiles the entire time while being wildly passive aggressive.
A summary of their conversation:

Onyeka: Stop stealing Colton away, it's rude to the other girls who haven't talk to him
Catherine: I'm not being rude
Onyeka: You're wrong
Catherine: You're wrong
Onyeka: Okay great I'm glad we talked! Let's hug!

And they hug but then, gasp! Even after their talk, Catherine steals Colton away again! But they hugged! I cannot believe that she would go back on a hug! She later gets the last rose of the night because this show loves to be predictable.

Just want to be clear here that I think Catherine is a kookaburra, meaning the show is absolutely going to keep rude ass around for a good chunk of the season to cause drama. Thanks, ABC.

You can't have just one beauty queen

Hannah B. was Miss Alabama 2018, meaning she knows Chrissy Teigen lookalike. From her bio, we learn that she "likes it when her date opens all the doors and pull her chair out for her" and her favorite music is country. I AM SHOCKED. Colton of course likes her southern accent (cough Tia), but she is pretty shy about stealing his time during the night.

Near the end, she kind starts to panic and get annoyed that she hasn't been able to chat with him:
She gets a rose and I find her kind of entertaining. Based purely on the fact that she got an entire intro piece, I assume she'll make it to at least the top 8.

This was funny, then not, then really not

Alex D. first meets Colton dressed as a sloth, playing into the fact that he "takes it slow." And it's actually pretty funny. For the first 2 minutes. But she keeps the bit going for what seems like the duration of a Game of Thrones episode. I'd show you what she looks like outside of the costume but it doesn't matter because Colton doesn't give her a rose.

Wait, does this mean I can't be on the show now

This season, there are TWO Asians (Revian and Sydney). That is a 400% increase from past seasons (don't question me, I got a C+ in pre-calc).

Revian is an esthetician who I'm thinking showed up with blonde hair because she thought it would increase her chances of being on the show longer. Sadly, her plan doesn't work out and she doesn't get a rose during the first ceremony.

The topic of blonde Asians reminds me of this incident while I was a part of a group in college that rhymes with "forority." While interviewing potential new ladies, this girl made a comment insinuating that Asians dying their hair blonde was such a stupid trend and just a way for Asians to attempt to be more white. Meanwhile, I was sitting there blonde and Asian. RIP me.

Back to the show - Sydney gets a rose! She's a former dancer for the Knicks who uses her time with Colton to teach his rigid awkward body to dance:

And by "dance" I mean move in a square because dear lord none of us want to see him actually do any sort of dancing that involves his hips.

If you think I'm going to root for Sydney just because she's Asian, then you bet your Crazy Rich Asian ass I am.

BEST BROWS AND HAIR

Kirpa is a dental hygienist meaning she has an actual job but even more of note: THOSE BROWS! THAT HAIR! Girl. She should be using those brows to make the world a better place. In her intro piece, they show her family and they're sweet and I hope she makes it to the top 5 so she has a shot at being the next Bachelorette instead of wasting those beach waves on vanilla ass Colton.

Also too good for this show

I like Cassie and not just because she only packed a pair of boots in her intro montage. Like look at that empty suitcase. These women have to pack for 12 weeks, accounting for ANY TYPE OF WEATHER and yet Cassie is only bringing boots. Brave.

Anyway, she's a speech pathologist and per her Bachelor bio, "a true Californian," which I assume means she is an In-n-Out burger. Something about her reminds me of Taxidermy Kendall from Arie's season, except Cassie isn't weird. Or well, I guess we don't know that yet. But for now, she seems relatively normal so I find it absolutely baffling that she's on this dumpster fire show.

When you get the first impression rose

Hannahs are the Laurens of this season, so this is Hannah G. Colton gives her the first impression rose because she "reminds him of home." Hannah says this is her "dream come true," which um okay sure, I mean, what girl hasn't put "GET FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE FROM THE VIRGIN BACHELOR" on her vision board?

She is definitely making it into the top 4.

Speaking of Laurens...

DEAR GOD LEAVE US ALONE

To eat up part of this 3-hour episode, we get to see old Bach couples with their kids, which includes Arie's boiled chicken looking ass because he and Lauren are expecting. Haven't we suffered enough. He's like that weird piece of tag that you can't cut off of your shirt that is constantly irritating you. LEAVE US BE, SATAN.

Places I don't want to be proposed to at: A Bachelor premiere party

Something else we didn't ask for but get anyway is two proposals.

This guy proposes at Ashley and Jared's party (which btw, Jared kept calling Colton "Colon," so someone should maybe tell him that Colton is a man and not an organ):

I want to make it clear that there are a few places that we as a human race have determined are inappropriate to propose at:

1) Inside a port-a-potty
2) At a funeral
3) When the waiter has just brought out fresh biscuits
4) AT A BACHELOR VIEWING PARTY, WTF

The woman obviously said yes but I assume yelled at the dude on the ride home for pulling this shit.

This guy also proposes to his pregnant girlfriend at the party hosted by Jason and Blake:

I love how that woman in the red on the left and lady in the black on the right are weeping, while this older woman in the lower right corner is like "dude can you move, I can't actually see the TV." This lady also said yes to the proposal, but let's be honest, a no would've been much more interesting for TV.

Ending this week's post by giving this random blonde audience member a shout-out.

She is apparently standing on some sort of platform to make her 5 ft. taller than everyone else. She stared intensely into the camera the entire time, aside from this specific moment when she needed to rest her heavy ass lashes. Cheers to you, really tall, non-blinking lady!

Really excited to wade through this trash river with you all again. See you next week! Til then, find me eating all of the chocolate out of the trail mix and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).