Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

This week's recap is brought to you by Hannah in a low ponytail making this face while having zero time for these wack ass Lukes and their wack ass ways.

This is exactly what all of us look like after we've allowed a guy to buy us a drink and would like for him to scamper away, but he doesn't, and instead rambles on about how he's an "entrepreneur."

To the wack ass Lukes...

A stupid conclusion to a stupid situation
We need a pooper scooper because this shit picks up right where it left off. Hannah asks the two Lukes to confront each other in front of her, which only leads to her making this face as they trade passive aggressive barbs:

During this group therapy session, Luke P. continues to be a literal sociopath and I would like to take Lil' Luke's side, but dear God that boy has such a punchable face. The tone of his lil' voice is just so condescending and I can imagine him saying "Do you even know who I am" to people.

A summary of the root issue for the Lukes, based on actual Luke P. quotes:

"Luke S. is not here for the right reasons"
*10 seconds later*
"I have no business judging whether or not you're here for the right reasons"

Ultimately, Hannah can only handle about 45 seconds of these idiots before walking out of the room and deciding she's ready to cut the evening short and get to the Rose Ceremony.

Before she can hand the first one out, Lil Luke decides to go home on his own because he has now mentioned his tequila company enough times to effectively launch an Instagram account. Neither Luke nor Hannah seems particularly upset about him leaving. And Chris Harrison comes to remove one of the roses, leading one of the geniuses in the group to offer an insightful analysis:

IF YOU SUBTRACT ONE, THERE IS ONE LESS. JOHN PAUL JONES IS BLOWN AWAY BY THE MATH.

Hannah returns and obviously gives Roid Rage Luke a rose, sending home John Paul Jones and Matteo (if this were a movie, these two would be credited as having non-speaking roles).

And because this show is one long case of food poisoning, Luke barfs up some more word vomit, offering a post-Rose Ceremony toast to the fellas who all hate him: "To finding your forever love and having the time of our lives on the hunt."

THE MOTHER FRACKING HUNT? Of course Luke says shit like this. When he does entrap some poor woman into marriage, I bet he'll be shocked that he doesn't get some sort of ownership certificate.

"I'll show her I'm her Braveheart"

Oh, I've got something I can show Mike.

Hot Mike gets the first one-on-one date after the group relocates from their Ramada Inn in Rhode Island to....Scotland! Because it's always important to take this shit show international.

Hannah tells him they're going to do "all of the Scottish things," which includes the following super traditional Scottish activities:

Trying on ugly hats:

Eating sour candy:

And this one is actually correct, drinking whiskey, which Hannah says gives her more "swaggy," a wildly Caucasian statement I am fully sidestepping:

Post-whiskey, Hannah is absolutely hammered. So naturally, they head to another bar to try haggis, because if there's anything a girl wants to do when she's drunk, it's eat meat comprised of sheep nose and face and ear cooked inside its own stomach. And our girl GOES IN on this weird ass meat (literal ass meat):

Once her breath is smelling completely of haggis, she gets serious with Mike, saying she's glad they've had this day to focus on their relationship without all of the outside noise (noise = Roid Rage Luke).

"I haven't been in love for almost half a decade"
This is Mike's dramatic way of saying it's been 5 years since he was in a serious relationship.

He is so nervous about sharing his feelings for Hannah and it's kind of adorable. He tells her he's 31 and has done a lot and knows who he is and is ready to get down on one knee in a few weeks. Which of course, he has known this girl for 5 weeks, engagement seems totally normal. I HATE THIS SHOW.

She thanks him for sharing and they kiss and I imagine Mike's lips feel like pillows and taste like pink Starbursts (the only Starbursts that matter) and wait, is this not my personal diary, sorry. He obviously gets a rose and FYI I have something else he can get (DON'T ACT SURPRISED, YOU KNEW I'D SAY THAT).

Now they're just taunting me

It's important to note that during their dinner, the producers have literally propped up that big ass piece of fish in the lower right corner, showcasing it like it's a prize on The Price is Right. DO THEY THINK THIS IS A GAME. Per usual, it goes untouched.

What is the temperature in this house

Why is Garrett wearing 14 layers.

"He's a big ass douche canoe"

I specifically used a screenshot with Devin's name as a reminder of who he is. Calling Luke P. a douche canoe is probably the most impactful thing he will do this season.

"Hannah was the only one who stuck her axe in the wood"
I am sparing you all the inapprop joke I could make here. For the group date, it's necessary to remind people that we're in Scotland, so Hannah enlists the help of some guys who were undoubtedly rejected extras from Game of Thrones:

Actually, they're probably production guys for the show who were forced to buy these outfits from Ralph Lauren and put on fake Scottish accents because there is no way in hell actual Scottish people are going to take part in this circus of a show.

Aside from construction worker Tyler, I'm pretty sure none of these men have ever held anything resembling an axe in their lives. So it makes sense to have them throw them! Look how adorable Peter is, giving it his all like this is a county fair and he'll win us a stuffed animal at the end:

There is then an egregious use of CGI as we're made to believe that Hannah lands the axe on the target on her first go:

To make this day even more offensive to actual Scottish people, the guys then change into kilts for the real competition that includes running with buckets of milk:

Jed decides that the best way to end the milk carrying competition is to douse himself with a bucket of it, bringing to life my slightly lactose intolerant nightmare.

Hannah comments how "sexy" this is which is quite possibly the last word I would use to describe a grown man showering himself with milk. Like, I love Jed, but I bet he smelled disgusting after this. And what should a sweaty guy who is now covered in milk do?

Why wrestle with the girl he likes, of course! I would vomit if I were Hannah. I imagine Jed smells like baby spit-up.

Later, during the evening portion of the date, Hannah punishes Jed's milky ways by suffocating him with her boobs:

Her dress really limits her ability to straddle him and they have this sort of awkward fumbling during which I was positive she would knee him in the balls.

Speaking of balls:

Peter pulls a move that I'm sure he saw in an episode of Grey's Anatomy or maybe that old classic film "American Pie." It's awkward at first, but since Peter is a character from a Netflix rom-com, it seems so sweet. They make-out on this pool table, which sounds hot and sexy in theory but is likely hard and uncomfortable in practice. Will let you know though after I get a chance to lift Peter onto a pool table.

To round out this trifecta of make-outs, Hannah lets Tyler know she has "a surprise" for him, which ends up being this:

She surprises him with a bed make-out session and he is ecstatic, proving that we really don't need to be surprising dudes with actual presents ever.

Ultimately, Jed curdles the competition and gets the group date rose.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch
Luke P. and Mike have a great time bonding and by "bonding" I mean Mike confronts Luke once again about being an asshole. Apparently no one has learned that Luke is incapable of reason, has really terrible eyebrows and most importantly, wears ugly ass clothes like this weird snakeskin looking Under Armor pullover:

It's common knowledge that you can't reason with a man who voluntarily wears shit like this.

Later, while they're silently staring at each other, Luke's one-on-one date card arrives.

For some reason, these date cards always remind me of shots from the hit drama series, "Blue's Clues." Like, the writing on these is always the same and always kind of quirky and Comic Sans'y. I'm just waiting for the date card to be this:

Lukeness Monster
Based on Hannah's Blue's Clue, she chooses Luke for a one-on-one so they can sort out their situation. And where is the best place to spend alonetime with a psychopath? Atop some cliffs!

She's upfront with him, asking why the other guys hate him. And instead of being honest and saying it's because he's a douche canoe, Luke rambles on and on about how the other Lil Luke wasn't here for the right reasons. When that is literally not what she asked about. This is like when you don't know the answer to a test question, but do know about the habits of otters and manage to produce a complete essay on otters when the actual question was about World War II. I never did this, I'm just saying that sometimes people do that.

Hannah calls him out again on this weird disconnect between what she's hearing from the other guys and what Luke is telling her, leading him to confidently share that in every other setting, everyone LOVES him. I don't have a screenshot of Hannah's reaction because she turned away from the camera, so I'll let unemployed guy (I literally do not know his name) speak for all of us:

She again tries to get him to be an actual human with emotions, asking how it makes him feel that the other guys don't like him. And he again short circuits and tells her that it doesn't affect him. And he wants to give her clarity. Which actually, Hannah does get some clarity as is seen in this exact moment:

This is the face of a woman who is clearly ready to send a dude home, but the producers won't let her.

"I don't know what I want, let's go look at this castle"
After getting fed up with Luke's inability to even slightly pretend to be human, Hannah walks away to think for a bit. Which includes chatting with the producers to let them know she doesn't know what to do next.

What I'm sure is cut out of this voyeuristic shot is Hannah pleading with the producers to let her leave this horrible date. Alas, the show is a hamster wheel that she can never get off. So she settles for going to look at this nearby castle because that is the natural consolation prize in a situation such as this.

Later, this uncomfortable marathon continues during dinner. A summary of their conversation:

Hannah: Today blew and I am outright telling you you're on thin ice
Luke P.: I have to be honest with you, I have this weird feeling that today blew and I'm on thin ice

She shares that she's looking for a "real man with flaws" and he says he's been trying to be so perfect (LOLOL wut) and it's been hard to let loose because of all the dudes hating him. He then diverts the conversation back to Hannah, saying he loves every single thing about her. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. To which she says:

Homegirl is over it. After giving him 389 chances to show even a salt pinch of human emotion, Hannah has had enough and tells Luke she can't give him a rose. And as a collective human race, we all cheered.

And that's it! I'm sure this isn't the last we'll see of Roid Rage Luke based on who he is and also because he's in the previews saying "This isn't the last you'll see of me." So see you and Luke next week! Til then, find me staring at photos of Keanu Reeves as I try to figure out if I'm attracted to him and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

I'm back! Luckily all I missed last week was the show glazing over Tyler G. being sent home and pretending he never existed and Cam learning that "always be Cam" does not always work.

This week's post is brought to you by my realization of who Jed looks like:

Speaking of Jed, he gets the first one-on-one date after the group moves to the exotic location of Rhode Island. And what city might you ask? Well the most well-known city in Rhode Island of course! Boston!

"Today is all about fun and America"
Hannah undoubtedly quoting what our founders said while signing the Declaration of Independence. For the first part of their Boston date, Hannah and Jed walk around a "market," which is standard Bachelor/ette date protocol. I'm almost certain the kiosk they walk around is just some cart the producers have set up and use for every season.

The only thing I could think of during this filler portion was, what do I think about this jacket?

I can't decide if I absolutely love it or want to burn it in a fire? If someone could let me know that'd be great, thanks.

After walking around one hat kiosk, they head to the Cheers bar to ignore mugs of Coors Light while making out in front of a bunch of white people. When in Rome, I guess.

Post beers make-out, they walk around a park and oh gosh! Just so happen to stumble across a Halo Top ice cream cart! This isn't placed advertisement at all! Totally coincidental!

For those of you who don't know, Halo Top is this lower calorie, high protein "ice cream" that helps you lose weight because the fake sugar in it literally gives you diarrhea. So cute for a date! They feed each other this laxative ice cream and the worried look on Jed's face says it all:

That is absolutely the look of a man hoping he doesn't shit his pants.

After eating gross ice cream in freezing Boston weather, Hannah "surprises" Jed by bringing him to the Celtics practice facility where a couple players are waiting for them. They're given customized jerseys and I mean these jerseys are SUPER customized and even include paper shapes cut out by children poorly taped to cover the logos!

Truly one-of-a-kind. I didn't even care about the childlike arts and crafts jersey situation because LOOK AT JED'S ARMS. WHAT. I am surprised every time we get to see his bod, like being surprised with a cake. A really really beefy cake.

Jed and Hannah then play a game of 2-on-2 with each of them teaming up with a Celtics player and it's as silly as you can imagine considering Jed is wearing skinny jeans. After all of the "athleticism" (HEAVY emphasis on the quotation marks), Hannah of course wraps around him like cornmeal on a hotdog to make-out. How we all end basketball scrimmages.

For dinner, they head to the Beauty & The Beast mansion:

Jed talks about how passionate he is about music and how he's falling for Hannah and feels "something growing inside of him that he's never felt before," which I am pretty sure is the Halo Top. I actually find him really genuine and kind and OKAY IT'S MOSTLY HIS ARMS. LAWD. Hannah obviously gives him a rose.

I am legitimately worried for Peter's safety
Since we've already done a group date exposing the dudes bodies, this one is of course one to show they are men. Men play sports. Sports good. Sports manly. I could not help but notice our Peter standing there so sweetly:

They were about to play rugby and doesn't it look like he's one of those guys who's like "Let's just have fun! Woo!" Meanwhile, Luke P. is about to roid rage out. Overall, I worried for our main love interest Peter for good reason, because this ends up happening to Kevin:

He injures his shoulder and he's not exactly sure how, but I have one suspect in mind:

LOOKING KOOKOO AS HELL. I bet Luke eats steak raw. Rather, I bet he literally goes out to cow fields and bites directly into live cows. Also I'm kidding with accusing him of attacking Kevin. In actuality, he attacks Luke S. (aka scrawny brunette "political consultant" from DC). We don't get a solid shot of it because ABC is the worst, but it appears that Roid Rage Luke bodyslams Bird Body Luke. Recounting this story will cause much drama later, of course.

A battle of the Lukes
During the evening portion of the date, Hannah shows up in the outfit I am continually warned against wearing to work:

The topless blazer look is THE ultimate bad bitch look and this is the hill I will die on.

Hannah pulls Roid Rage Luke aside first to chat because she's been getting whiffs of his kookaburra tendencies and needs to suss it out. Luke proceeds to tell her that he fairly tackled Smaller Luke who responded by getting angry with balled fists, looking like he was going to "attack" him. Roids Luke claims it was self-defense and he body slammed Lil' Luke to calm the situation. Naturally. He also adds that Lil' Luke isn't here for the right reasons, never talks about Hannah and only talks about his tequila company.

Hannah, who is looking for clarity, finds approximately negative 50 of that from Roid Rage and decides to chat with Lil' Luke next.

Itty Bitty Luke is like uh no, look at my bird body, he tackled me and then kneed me in the face. He also denies the tequila company thing saying it's not even a company yet. And thus we have reached full capacity in the Stupid Situation Room.

The Lukes then confront each other in front of the other guys and everyone is essentially in agreement that Roid Rage Luke is a psychopath (accurate assessment). Bird Body Luke tells him to tell Hannah the truth about what happened and Roids is like "Sure."

He then of course does the opposite of that, telling Hannah that Lil' Luke asked him to "put in a good word" for him. You guys, it's bizarre. Luke P. is a literal sociopath that Hannah is apparently attracted to because despite all of Luke P.'s obsessive kookiness and non-blinking and all of the other guys confirming his kookiness, she is STILL like "Oh, but who do I believe!"

So don't worry, this drama isn't over.

I had honestly forgotten about this man

Garrett is a "golf pro," which I assume means he's owns a lot of ill-fitting khakis and polo shirts. He uses his time with Hannah to tell her he's "crushing" on her, which I would find adorable if said by Peter. Hannah thanks him and we get to witness some really bad kissing. Like, I'm making the official declaration that Garrett is the worst kisser this season.

He kisses similar to how you would eat a popsicle — lots of puckering and sucking but without the tastiness of an actual popsicle.

He ends up getting the group date rose.

When you leave with a shoulder injury and return from the Civil War

The ambulance apparently brought Kevin to a hospital in the 1800s because he returns to the group date looking like this.

"Big time griller, big time chiller"
Tyler C., who enjoys grilling and chilling, gets the second one-on-one date this week. Initially, I felt pretty indifferent about him because he looks like he's hammered or high or highly hammered all the time. But he proves to be pretty sweet to Hannah who is having an internal crisis about the situation with the Lukes. When they meet up, she's feeling depressed, but he lifts both her spirits and her actual body because this is how they are legally obligated to greet each other:

They spend the day on a boat catching lobsters before feeding each other:

I don't know about you, but a man waving food in front of me like a dog is not the most appealing thing. And in fact, let the record show that the last man to dangle food near my face lost 2.5 fingers.

Later at dinner, Tyler opens up, sharing that his dad almost died before he came on the show. And he spent a lot of time helping him recover and they watched Hannah on The Bachelor and his dad encouraged him to go after her. And honestly, I now find him pretty charming. Even though he sounds like he has a constant stuffy nose, he is seemingly genuine and honest.

The date ends with Tyler getting a rose and some making out as Jake Owen sings sings to them while looking like a creepy fairy godmother in the background.

Obligatory smiling Mike moment

Oh, I've got some numbers Mike can crunch.

Obligatory Peter-in-a-sweater moment

Peter is what we would get if we combined all of the good parts of Dawson Leery, Stefan Salvatore (sup Vampire Diaries), Seth Cohen (THE OC FOREVER, OK) and Jess Mariano (I hate Rory, but nonetheless). I can literally hear Sixpence None The Richer's "Kiss Me" playing every time he's onscreen. I bet he owns so many cardigans. And probably some nice salmon colored chino shorts.

To summarize: Peter continues to be sweeter than the tea at Bojangles. Ahead of the Rose Ceremony he asks Hannah to be his girlfriend. Which is freaking adorable. They then make-out like teenagers on a living room couch.

Because he is absolutely perfect and completely mentally stable, I am positive Hannah will not choose him. At which point, I'll need one of you to spray me with Pam because I'll be sliding into those DMs.

A Lukes cliffhanger
During the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, we learn that Luke is not only full of steroids but also shit. He emphasizes his story that he bodyslammed Mini Luke in "self-defense" to which Hot Mike is like "YOU WERE DEFENDING YOURSELF AGAINST LUKE S???" while making this face:

Y'all, I died. Even Luke S. himself thinks it's laughable to imagine anyone finding him threatening. And this is the face of Kookoo Luke realizing his lie of a story does not really hold up:

Hannah then decides to pull both Lukes aside to finally sort out this really really really stupid situation and the episode ends. GASP. Not. The only acceptable solution is to send both of these dull pencils home so we can move on with our lives, dear God.

And that's it! See you next week when we hopefully rid ourselves of two Lukes and get more close-ups of Mike and Peter. Til then, find me trying to locate Shawn Mendes' house on Google Street View and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).