Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 8)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah's allergies exploding while she walks through this field of pollen, I mean flowers:

We're in Amsterdam this week!

Seriously though, what is the temperature

Hannah is wearing a wool coat, Connor has on a light jacket, Tyler is in like 14 layers and Garrett is wearing a short-sleeved shirt. Based on this, I assume the temperature is between 30 and 100 degrees. HOW CAN THEIR BODY TEMPERATURES HAVE SUCH A WIDE RANGE?

Temperature confusion aside, Jed gets the first one-on-one date in the Netherlands. They walk around random shops pretending to have fun instead of heading to a coffee shop (read: place to smoke weed), which honestly what a wasted opportunity for Hannah to ask Jed if he's "high on love." I could be a writer on this show if it wouldn't bring shame to my family and also the entire Asian race.

They wrap up this boring ass, non-high day by heel clicking like leprechauns in front of a creepy organ thing:

The snooze fest continues at the usual dinner date location, a West Elm show room:

They talk about the same stuff we've already heard — Hannah says she's protective of her heart and Jed says it's so easy to be with her. And I guess because she clicked her heels with him in front of that creepy circus organ, Hannah finally feels comfortable letting Jed know she's falling for him as much as he's falling for her. And I am falling in and out of consciousness because they have the same boring ass interaction every time.

The night concludes with Hannah giving Jed a rose (obvi) followed by some very loud mouth slopping. The thing we need to talk about is WHAT IS ON HANNAH'S PLATE?

It's likely a piece of fake prop chicken, but I have this feeling IT MIGHT BE SOME SORT OF BUTTERY BAKED GOOD? I gotta tell ya, if I had the choice between having Jed slobber or baked goods butter all over my mouth, I'd choose the butter. Easily.

"We're horsing around The Hague"
Fine ass Tyler gets the second one-on-one date and it begins with them being that couple that rides horses around an area that horses should not be in:

This portion proves to be awkward because the extent of their horse knowledge is clearly hors d'oeuvres. They ride around some square and by "ride around" I mean each of their horses spends the entire time slowly turning in circles. Riveting.

Things really get wild when they come across a guy selling pickled herring. Tyler proceeds to feed Hannah like this as opposed to, I don't know, holding it horizontally and feeding it to her like a human woman as opposed to a dog receiving a treat:

Hannah's like "Oh it's not bad" and proceeds to make Tyler try it even though he has voiced that pickled herring is his "worst nightmare," which wow he's clearly never had to sit next to a farting guy on a cross country flight. He reacts as such:

Hannah tells him to "man up," because having a man who can eat vinegary fish is the true sign of masculinity.

Now that their breath is completely fishy and Tyler's is a little vomity, they sit on a bench for introspective, meaningful conversation. Their conversation is a little awkward mostly because Hannah expects these dudes to reveal some unbelievable, dramatic or painful event from their past EVERY TIME they talk. Like, girl. You can't get mad that Tyler didn't tell you he survived the sinking of the Titanic.

Later at dinner, Tyler is hot:

Those dimples! He tells Hannah he has trouble opening up because of what he watched his parents go through before their divorce. His dad apparently lost everything when the market crashed and his parents had to sell their waterfront house and they eventually grew apart.

He says his biggest fear is failing at marriage and at this point based on that jawline and those eyes and his deep, sultry voice, I am positive he is a character from a Reese Witherspoon rom-com. Like he seems so simple on the surface, but underneath is a tortured soul covered in muscles and abs.

He of course gets a rose. And can someone let me know who he looks like?

I forgot he was here
After the guys find out Mike is getting the last one-on-one, Connor realizes Hannah may have forgotten he's here. So he goes to her room to chat and check-in where they are with their relationship and to summarize Hannah is like new phone, who dis and then this happens:

I guess vocal fries wasn't the side she ordered.

"I'm gonna bike with Mike"

I've got something Mike can ride (OH PLEASE, YOU WERE THINKING IT TOO). For the first part of their date, Hannah and Mike ride bikes around like they're in a montage from "Now & Then" before stopping at an art studio. They draw funny sketches of each other before a lady makes them fashion outfits out of scarves to pose for a painting. All very normal date procedures.

Ahead of the dinner portion of the date, we get very dramatic close-ups of Hannah crying while looking at some Renaissance paintings (full disclosure: I categorize most old, softly blurred paintings of white people as "Renaissance"):

Apparently looking at old paintings of white people on farms makes Hannah realize Mike is not right for her. Before they can even get to ignoring whatever the food is, she tells him that she can't be the "fourth lady" in his life and can't see them getting there. And Mike is completely stunned and in all honesty, I screamed because this means we can date now (because the only thing hindering us from dating was his potential relationship with Hannah). He thanks her for being honest and is sad in the Lyft that picks him up, but deep inside, he must be cheering because he is absolutely in the running to be The Bachelor or at least to be the hottest dude on Bachelor in Paradise. The upside!

Sharing one last smiling Mike moment because I must and also because I've had it printed and framed for personal reasons:

"We've got a 5 foot 8 villain here"
Tyler says this directly to Luke, noting that the "villain" is usually a "big dude." While this insult is stupid and simple so is Luke, so the tiny shoe fits. Also just felt like including this photo of Luke eating what I think is human skin.

Three guys, two roses
So Golf Pro Garrett, Roid Rage Luke and Pilot Peter are subjected to the group date. Since Mike got sent home, this means we have two roses left, so which two dirty-blonde-white guys will Hannah choose??

The producers don't even try with this date and have the guys sit in a literal waiting room while waiting to talk to Hannah like this is some job interview. First up is Luke. He has just promised Peter he will not talk about the other guys, but also, blink if you were lying and are definitely going to talk about the other guys:

Luke continues his reign as class tattletale by telling Hannah that Garrett was mean to him and faked being friendly with him. While he's spilling this cold, unflavored, unsweet tea, Hannah tries to go to sleep because this must be some reoccurring nightmare:

After Luke finishes his shit talking, Hannah chats with Garrett next. We learn that he is one of those bros who thinks complementing Brooks Brothers apparel with Jordans is a personality:

Hannah tells him that Luke brought him up and we all proceed to get on this same merry-go-round of he said, he said. I did not pay for this ride nor do I want to be on it.

Garrett then returns to the waiting room and he and Luke proceed to trade passive aggressive barbs while using bologna as a weapon:

I haven't seen someone manhandle that much meat since the last time I was in a hot dog eating competition (literal hot dogs, you sickos).

While the boys are throwing their meat around, Dawson Leery is off winning Joey Potter's heart:

As if we had any doubts, Peter gets a rose, sending him to hometown dates along with Jed and Tyler. So we now have one rose left for the two baloney boobs to fight over.

Wow such great choices left

99% of the screenshots I got of Garrett and Luke feature them blinking and I am not sorry.

During what becomes a 2-on-1 date, both guys give it their last ditch effort to win a rose, I mean this show, I mean Hannah's "heart." Garrett tells Hannah that he loves her, because sure why not what do words even mean. And Luke tells Hannah that he used to be a drunken hoe who chased "fleshly desires" (not a good enough reason to say "fleshly desires"). But then God spoke to him in the shower and now he's a judgmental, slut shaming asshole. Wow. Hannah faces a tough decision because the quality of these guys is unparalleled.

Shoutout to ABC for having Luke and Garrett represented by white and red wine, the complexity and symbolism really jumps out. In the end, Hannah gives Luke a rose because she is undoubtedly being blackmailed and Luke reacts by smiling like a bulldog being scratched behind the ear:

Garrett exits sweetly, telling Hannah he gave it his all before attempting to squish her head:

And that's it! See you all next week for hometown dates when Hannah tells four different guys' families that she wants to marry them. Very regular!

Til then, find me internally struggling about going with a middle part and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 7)

This week's post is brought to you by Tyler summarizing how we all felt about this episode. We'll never know what word he said that ABC replaced with a blank line (my guess is "I mashed potato hate this, dude").

You guys. I haven't been this mad about something since, well actually since last week's episode when we got catfished into a 2-hour episode that included 5 minutes of actual content. It's almost like I'll never learn. So let's dive into this ignorance!

"I did not know nekkid bodies would fall out of there"
I am required to spell naked like that to reflect exactly how Hannah says it.

We're in Latvia! And no, I did not accidentally spell "Latvia" like "latka," I know the difference. Boring golf pro Garrett gets the first one-on-one date in our new location, I assume as a reward for matching his sweater to the interview room decor:

They meet in the woods, aka the one place your mom always told you NOT to meet men at, and Hannah claims it's "so beautiful."

To be honest, it looks like a lot of dead trees and shrubs, but what do I know about beauty. They walk around for a bit before "stumbling" upon a couple bungee jumping out of a cable car naked. And on a whim (not planned by the producers or told in advance to both of them of course) they decide, hey let's do that too!

So they head up in this cable car and we get plenty of censored shots. Is there really anything more romantic than sharing a black censor box with your boyfriend?

Okay and look, I don't want to body shame anyone except oh, what is this, the shame bell from Game of Thrones! Garrett's body is probably last on the list of men I want to see naked. Like, he's even after Chris Harrison. It's annoying that we get to see Garrett's pink and hairy body when there's a perfectly good Mike around. Unbelievable.

Anyway, they hold each other and jump and we get this super attractive shot of both of them:

I assume that's both of their shoulders, but we can't really be sure. And once they're back on the ground, the cable car operators throw Hannah's bra in the water:

This seemed both unnecessary and also rude? Like that bra is probably at least $30?

Anyway, they get cleaned up and go to dinner and Garrett shares that he grew up in a football family and played it growing up, but one day was like "Bruh, this isn't for me" and decided to do the white thing and switch to golf. Wow, so brave. Some more observations on Garrett: I feel like he's probably really messy? Like I imagine his frat house, er I mean, house, is just full of empty water bottles. And soap scum stains. And stains in general. My point here is he's just not my bowl of noodles.

Hannah apparently enjoys bland tofu though and gives him a rose.

"A normal date with 7 men"
For the group date, the other dry pieces of chicken and one beef cake Mike get to wander around this local food market with Hannah. At one point, Tyler brings Hannah flowers, which seems sweet until you realize they are SURROUNDED by cheese and this man brought her plants instead of a cheese bouquet. He may be hot, but he's still got a lot to learn.

Hannah seemingly enjoys herself, saying that they all did "exactly what I asked." This includes having Mike pick her up and who can blame her:

I'm more interested in seeing what Mike can put down, if you know what I mean (OH PLEASE YOU'RE USED TO ME SAYING THESE THINGS NOW).

Later during the ignore-the-charcuterie portion of the night, Hannah gives Tyler a dental exam because she is a true Renaissance woman:

Tyler tells her "You look heaven sent, like an angel, and I hope you're my angel" AND THIS IS THE CHEESE I'M TALKIN ABOUT. I think Tyler is smokin' hot, but his charm levels are BEYOND a box of Lucky Charms.

While this is happening, Luke tells the guys (because they're all such good friends) that he's disappointed Hannah went bungee jumping naked with Garrett because her body is a temple. As a note, he didn't believe Garrett when he first told the group what they did, so Luke asked Hannah during the group date what she and Garrett did on their date. And she confirmed Nakedpalooza.

Back to the point, Sexist Idiot Luke is on the verge of a roid rage episode and decides he needs to voice his ignorant concern to Hannah. A summary of their conversation:

Luke: Naked. Garrett. Me mad. You mine. Your body mine.
Hannah: It wasn't sexual, also I do what I want
Luke: ME FORGIVE YOU

He says it's a slap in the face that she did this, relating it to being cheated on. He also adds that even if she makes "boneheaded mistakes" he'll forgive her and they'll get through it, which is implying that her naked bungee jumping was boneheaded. She's sort of at a loss for words because: 1) She can do what she wants with her body and 2) Refer to #1. There will be more on this later, of course.

Hot ass Tyler gets the group date rose.

"It's important for Peter to have all of me like he deserves"
GO ON HANNAH, PREACH. Our Teen People magazine cover star gets the second one-on-one date and please look at this outfit he shows up in that is straight out of Dawson Leery's closet, MY HEART:

I can actually smell the Abercrombie & Fitch cologne all over this jacket and I don't hate it. For their date, Hannah brings Peter to this Latvian spa type place because she is doing the Lord's work in presenting a situation where Peter must be shirtless.

After beating each other with branches, they sit in a sauna to have a sweaty, half-naked conversation.

Or well, they attempt to have a deep conversation but really spend the majority of the time calling each other hot. And in both of their defenses, they're not wrong. Also, per Hannah's abs, it seems she does not indulge in Domino's at 3 a.m. post-drinking. So I really admire her.

After both of their loins are literally on fire, we get these totally non-creepy shots of them making out through a slightly open door:

Hannah is so honest about being a straight up horn dog and I love her for it. Live your life atop sweaty Peter, girl.

We then get a visit from an old friend:

The hot tub is back! This same old thing they cart around to EVERY international location. Peter tells Hannah he felt terrible she was so upset last week, but also, that it sucked to hear her say she couldn't see herself "getting there" with any of them. She reassures him and they make out more because it is mandatory in the hot tub.

Later at dinner, Peter shares that he's had trouble opening up because of heartbreak from a past relationship. But he's opening up now because he's never felt so strongly so quickly about someone like he does for Hannah. He then tells her he's falling for her and she obviously gives him a rose.

Peter is perfect, so my only concern about their date is DO THESE LOOK LIKE PANCAKES???

PANCAKES WITH BERRIES??? THIS SHOW IS ACTUALLY TAUNTING ME NOW WITH MY FAVORITE FOOD, I CANNOT DEAL.

Things that I would react awkwardly to

Before the Cocktail Party and Rose Ceremony, Jed decides he needs to remind everyone that he's a musician. So he surprises Hannah by singing outside of her hotel window before being invited up to sing to her face-to-face. As a loud awkward bird, a guy gently singing a love ballad to my face would make me so uncomfortable. Like can we get some Britney or Gaga in here.

Also, this might be rude (what's new), but there's clearly a reason why Jed hasn't made it big yet. And that reason is his voice isn't that great. Anyone can whisper sing like he does. There was literally an early 2000s song called "The Whisper Song" (shout out to the Ying Yang Twins). But Hannah enjoys the whispering and intense eye contact and they make out in front of Jed's guitar:

PLEASE LOOK AT HER FLEXED FOOT. I could not stop laughing. Her little foot just hanging there while his guitar is literally in her ass. ROMANCE.

Obligatory smiling Mike moment

I wish Mike was an alarm clock so I could tap that every morning. OH WHATEVER YOU AGREE, STOP PRETENDING TO CLUTCH YOUR PEARLS.

"You're not my husband and you don't own my body"
After marinating on the whole "body is a temple" thing that Luke mentioned earlier and gathering her caps lock thoughts, Hannah is ready to confront him about how ignorant he is. She makes this face for the majority of their conversation, which heads up, this is the DEFAULT face of all women when we're pissed. Chin down, brows up and melting into our eyes.

Hannah proceeds to recall WORD FOR WORD what Luke said about being mad that she "exposed" her body to a man that wasn't her husband and how it upset him because he wants to introduce her to his family. And asks him to explain himself.

Honestly, I sort of expected his dumb ass to clarify his words by straight up saying "I cannot have my wife, the woman I bought and own, pregnant and in the kitchen making me sandwiches if she has ever been naked before, ever." (I also feel pretty certain he would be surprised to learn that women can vote.)

Instead, Luke, whose raisin brain is more shriveled than his balls from steroids, bumbles over his words in a poor attempt to explain his misogyny. In true asshole form, he responds to Hannah with "IF I said that...." and "I don't know if you totally remember...."

To which Hannah responds:

At this point, they are having two completely different conversations, wherein Hannah is voicing legitimate concerns and Luke is feigning amnesia while trying to convince her that she misheard his ignorant comments. And since I've highlighted what an upset woman looks like, this is what a lying douchebag looks like:

Cheeks all flushed and neck full of hives because his own blood is literally trying to escape his presence. I really cannot emphasize enough how happy I'll be to see his Sharpie'd brows and flesh colored beard go home.

He returns to the room of guys and this interaction happens:

Room of guys: *silence, literally no one addresses Luke's presence*
Luke: SINCE Y'ALL ARE DYING TO KNOW I JUST WANT TO SHARE THAT I WILL NOT SHARE WHAT HANNAH AND I TALKED ABOUT

He then tells them that they all need to "stay in their lane," which is like an arsonist telling a firefighter to stop starting fires. Witnessing his personality is so bizarre. The only good that will come out of this, I assume, is a PSA showing the negative side effects of steroids. The more you know.

After all this, there's no way Luke gets a rose, right?
WRONG. The producers, I mean "Hannah," decides to give Luke the last rose, opting to send home the two D's (Dustin and Dylan) over the biggest D-bag in the house.

Since he opened the post, let's bring this full circle and let Tyler close out the post with his reaction to Hannah giving Luke a rose:

And that's it! This week was especially annoying and horrendous, which is saying a lot since this show maintains a pretty high bar for terribleness. I can only hope we've been forced to endure Luke because he will go home in some embarrassing fashion. See you next week for (hopefully) that! Til then, find me hovering over and inhaling the bowl of Doritos at your summer barbecue and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 6)

This week's post is brought to you by Hannah wearing a jacket like a cape, which is something I can't seem to do?

Like you'd think my clothes hanger shoulders would support wearing a jacket like this, but because I am such a complex person, they do not. I also don't actually get the point of wearing a jacket like this. Is it so cumbersome to slip your arms through the sleeves, really.

Okay back to the topic — this week’s episode is the EPITOME of a meeting that could’ve been an email. So let’s dive into how they managed to draw out 10 minutes of content into a two-hour episode!

Hand me another bat, this dead horse needs more beating
Post-Hannah deciding not to give Luke a rose, he takes some time to Justin Timberlake and be a Man of the Woods.
He walks around in complete darkness, stepping on every single crunchy leaf, which is how I assume most serial killers do their plotting. After mulling it over, he decides that he’s not ready to go home even though the person who gets to decide that (Hannah) has decided he should go home. MEN DO NOT LISTEN.

So he walks back into the castle saying "Nothing is going to stop me," which is definitely the way to reassure us all that he’s not a psycho. Hannah is pretty shocked to see him because, as was noted earlier, she sent him home.

They both then pull out bats and beat this dead horse of a conversation we’ve heard for an entire episode. While in this dark ass Game of Thrones room:

A summary of their convo this time:

Hannah: You’re just not opening up and you’re a robot
Luke: BLEEP BOOP BOOP BUT ME LOVE YOU. ME WANT TO MARRY YOU. BOOP BOOP.

Luke is like that puppy that shits on your carpet, except instead of a puppy, he’s a disgusting swamp monster and instead of shitting just once, he does it constantly and your carpet is Gucci AND WHY WILL HE NOT LEAVE US.

Hannah finally realizes she won’t be able to rid herself of this Luke rash tonight and says while he doesn’t have a rose, he can stay until the Rose Ceremony.

I’ve got some vested interests

Not that I’ve thought about it, but I feel like Mike could easily carry me in his arms? And that’s a crucial trait I look for in a partner, not because it’s sweet to be carried over thresholds, but because I literally hate walking.

"All of the drama is allowing nothing to get accomplished"
Hannah preaching what may be the motto of this entire show.

During the cocktail party, Garrett, aka guy who always wears 40 layers, uses his time with Hannah to ask if Luke stayed true to his promise to not mention any of the guys. She tells him that a few of the guys did come up, but only because she specifically asked about certain situations.

Garrett then all but runs from Hannah to tell the guys "HEY LUKE LIED TO US," which is a statement that no one should be surprised by. After tattling, the guys spiral into one of the most boring episodes of Jerry Springer ever.

Luke says he did mention Mike, Devin and Dylan, but only because Hannah brought up topics surrounding them. Garrett can’t let it go and they proceed to bicker for what feels like 40 hours.

Hannah, who is attempting to chat with vocal fry Connor, gets annoyed by the squawking and goes to see what’s up. I'm mostly including this shot for the caps lock EXTREME MINIATURE GOLF promo.

She asks why they're all being so annoying. And during his first speaking role of the season, Devin tells her that most of them use their time with her to build their own relationship, not bring up other guys (haha which is not true), so he’s wondering why Luke constantly brings them up. As an FYI, this is Devin because I assume you (like me) do not remember him:

Hannah squashes his loaded baked potato question by telling him "I’m the one who asked about them," effectively deflating his puffed out chest.

She tells the group to cut the shit and then walks away to drink in solitude and rethink the life decisions that led her to this:

While she’s attempting to enjoy her champagne shots, she can hear the bros at it again. ARGUING ABOUT THE SAME THING.

And I don’t want to point fingers — I want to point fingers and thumbs at who is to blame for this continued argument:

Hannah breaks down and says that Luke isn’t the only one making her mad, they’re all driving her insane with the bickering. She goes on to say that none of them have even asked deeper things about her because all they do is talk about dumb shit. And she wants them all to stop focusing on Luke and start focusing on her, WHICH IS THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW AND IT'S UPSETTING THAT SHE HAS TO REMIND THESE CLOWNS OF IT.

She then leaves these ding dongs so they can think about what they’ve done and cries into Chris Harrison’s little bird arms.

Chris Harrison seems like a nice enough guy, but all I can focus on during close-up shots of him is how he doesn’t have lips. Like, not even the tiniest outline.

Do you think that means he never needs chapstick? Or does he just apply it to his chin and the area of skin under his nose? I have so many questions.

Wait, now he's even more unemployed

After telling off all the guys and doubting this whole "journey," Hannah still holds a Rose Ceremony, which seems a little odd (even though I know she probably had to have one). Literally 30 seconds ago she was yelling Y'ALL SUCK AND I CAN'T SEE A FUTURE WITH ANY OF YOU and now she's like "Hi, will you accept this rose that will lead to marriage." A totally normal sequence of events.

Anyway, Devin, Kevin and Grant are sent home and I honestly cannot believe Grant lasted for 6 weeks. He has interacted with Hannah, one-on-one, approx negative 14 times. Also, there is no way this man is 30. He's AT LEAST 45.

And these 3 going home means that Luke ends up getting a rose because this show never tires of torturing us.

What the hell is this
The last HOUR of the show then recaps the past 6 weeks. Recaps. You guys. In the middle of an episode. As if this show is SO COMPLEX that we need a reminder of the idiocy that has occurred. Making us endure past clips is like if you got your wisdom teeth out then went back to get them out again, except the teeth are gone and it’s just painful and pointless AND WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US.

Anyway, we get to witness Chris Harrison acting as if he's Barbara Walters and just scored an exclusive interview with the president of Mars. This last hour would’ve been much more worthwhile had they just shown a montage of Mike pics, both shirtless and otherwise.

And that’s it! Bravo to this show for completely catfishing us this week. The preview for next week was probably the most exciting bit, so see you for that! Til then, find me setting up a slip-n-slide into Clay Harbor’s DMs (he’s single and headed to Bachelor in Paradise) and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).