Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by the sweetest, juiciest thing to arrive in Paradise:

Like rational thoughts and intelligent conversations here, these babies are completely ignored.

Some karma-related items
First, in a shocking turn of events, Annaliese, who spent the entirety of last week alternating between weeping and screaming at people to not trust Clay, is sent home roseless. She reacts as such:

She's "blindsided" because she saw it being her and old guy Chris in the end, which is batshit crazy to say about a dude she talked to for 15 minutes on a beach. The only blindsided thing about this is that she's blonde and Sandra Bullock's character in "The Blindside" was blonde too.

And second, during a segment of the show where we're forced to look at Blake's lunchmeat body, he trips on a rock and ends up losing his toenail:

I really cannot emphasize enough how repulsed I am by him in every way, so it's pretty excellent to see karma quite literally jump up and bite him.

"He's putting his spoon in all the pudding!"
Jordan is our first new arrival this week and as a reminder, he got engaged at the end of Paradise last year to my NC fav Jenna (who turned out to be kind of a monster).

Again, I don't purposely take these screenshots they just happen. Healed and moisturized after his breakup, he's ready to find love beginning with a date card. He chats with a few of the ladies and quickly gets the dirt on the Blake situation, prompting his pudding and spoon comment. FYI: Blake's "spoon" is def one of those miniature plastic spoons from Baskin Robbins that's already been used and is in that little trashcan.

Eventually, like every other dude here, Jordan decides to ask out Hannah because "We're both models!" And at first she's thrilled to have another member in her fan club, but then realizes the pimp life ain't for everyone. She tells him she's already dating two guys and can't add another to the lineup. So Jordan settles for asking out Nicole and they head out for some ziplining, which Nicole proceeds to do in the stupidest way possible:

As a tip, you really shouldn't angle your arms TOWARD the rope that the metal device is sliding down. She's also wearing the highest waisted leggings I have ever seen. Like her leggings are pulled almost to the bottom of her sports bra:

How this woman doesn't have the most uncomfortable camel toe in the history of camel toes is beyond me.

While they have a nice date, Nicole returns to the beach still liking Clay the most. She lets him know that and they make-out on these enormous pillows:

At first I was so confused about whose hand that was. So randomly placed.

HOT MIKE HOT MIKE HOT MIKE
As a form of cruel and unusual punishment, the producers make Mike arrive to the beach FULLY CLOTHED:

I'll let Onyeka's response speak for all of us because every woman on the beach immediately began ovulating:

While deciding who to give his date card to, Mike chats with Caelynn who tells him that her and Cam did "talk" a bit but she's "open" to what's out there, which is exactly what I would say even if I was in a 20-year committed relationship with someone because Hot Mike only comes along once in your life. He decides to ask her out and this is the brow coupling I've been waiting for:

They have a nice dinner and seem to hit it off, but a new guy (more on that later) eventually steals Caelynn's attention leading Mike to divert his focus to a spicier bowl of ramen:

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, he surprises Sydney with ice cream and unless she's in the minority of Asians who aren't lactose intolerant, she's gonna be surprising him with a trip to Fartsville. He tells her his favorite ice cream is cookies and cream and let's just say I've got some cookies he can cream and OH MY GOD WOW I HAVE TOPPED MYSELF.

Anywho, I love them and consider her a fill-in for me because I too am a former NBA dancer who can do the splits, thanks for asking.

Meanwhile, at the Dashboard Confessional concert
Cam has been crying since Caelynn left because he was positive that since they talked for a week, marriage would be the obvious next step.

He says he was "born to be a husband" and "wants marriage SO bad" and wow, Desperate Housewives table for 1 please. He feels like Caelynn has been "stripped away" from him, which now is as good a time as ever to point out that Caelynn cannot be "stripped away" from anyone because DUN DUN DUN no one owns her. IT'S A WILD CONCEPT, I KNOW.

Also want to point out it's insane he thought she was even marginally interested in him because during their last conversation, he reads some poem or something to her and this is the face she makes the entire time:

So he spends the entire week moping on the beach while staring out into the horizon waiting for a wife to appear. I'm pretty sure he'll be going home after the next Rose Ceremony.

Checking in with the stupidest love triangle ever
After spending an entire day canoodling cutie Dylan, Hannah kicks off her evening by going off with Blake and by "going off" I mean they literally go 2 ft. away from where the rest of the group (including Dylan) is. Blake asks her to dance because at some point in his life someone must've joked that he was a good dancer and he took them seriously. They sway back and forth and he spins her and do you think his body feels like Silly Putty because it looks like it does:

They start making out, again literally 12 inches away from Dylan, so he of course comes over to be like yo, wtf. A summary of their conversation:

Dylan: Hannah, can we talk
Blake (who is not Hannah): Yo, come on man, I'm in the middle of woo'ing her with my amazing dancing
Dylan: Hannah, please
Blake: YOU'RE MAKING HANNAH UNCOMFORTABLE

Mind you, one person could bring this entire situation to an end: Hannah. But this is her during this entire argument:

And look, there's nothing wrong with sampling all of the flavors, but confidently own that you're doing that and don't act like a confused baby deer about it. This idiotic argument could've been squashed had Hannah told Butter Pecan (Dylan) that she enjoys him but is just sampling freezer burn Sugar Free Vanilla (Blake). Easy peasy!

Dylan realizes his efforts to talk with Hannah are now fruitless because she has lost the ability to speak for herself, instead letting Blake speak for her. Dylan then tries to contact her using only his mind:

After he walks away, Hannah and Blake go sit on one of those dirty beach beds and she worries that this makes her look like a bad person (not that she hurt Dylan's feelings). Blake reassures her that NO ONE is judging her. Meanwhile, here is everyone judging her:

Later, we discover an uncooked bit in this spoiled meatloaf: Blake texted and visited Hannah a week before Paradise (I think to ask why she wasn't at Stagecoach). Tayshia confronts Hannah about this and her shitty behavior in general. A summary of their conversation:

Tayshia: We're friends, it would've been cool had you told me about you and Blake getting together 4 seconds before Paradise
Hannah: THAT WASN'T MY BUSINESS TO TELL, I WAS JUST THE OTHER PERSON INVOLVED ALSO LOOK AT MY SCRUNCHIE
Tayshia: Like, just a heads up would've been cool
Hannah: STOP ATTACKING ME, I AM THE VICTIM HERE AND I HAVE REALLY BEEN STRUGGLING WITH HAVING ALL OF THE CAKES AND EATING THEM TOO, OKAY

To bring this full circle, Hannah is a monster and will surely continue to string Dylan along while seemingly liking Blake more.

Are you a hipster or are you homeless?
The aforementioned new arrival who steals Caelynn's attention is none other than 2-Brain Celled Dean, rocking long hair, a creeper stache and body grime from not showering:

I didn't watch the past season of BIP he was on, but I did trudge through his time on Rachel's season of The Bachelorette when he revealed his personality is just an empty sewing box with a marble rolling around. Armed with a date card, he eventually asks out Caelynn because he needs to show her that he has that same stretched out shirt in a different color:

They proceed to ignore plates of GIANT skramps and the thing here is, at least Dean was sort of hot before (therefore making up for his lack of intelligence). But now he has the audacity to be dumb AND ugly. Caelynn doesn't mind and they eventually get in the pool:

I'm sure Caelynn is under the impression this is romantic, but in actuality this is the first time Dean has bathed in weeks because I forgot to mention, he doesn't have a job and lives in a van. And if that doesn't get your lady parts revved up, he also has a Hey Arnold tattoo:

He undoubtedly smells like old hot dogs and sweaty socks.

I have never seen this man in my life
Our third new guy this week is Christian, who was on Becca's season and went home on the first night. Meaning he didn't even make it through the "Do I think you're hot" round.

He already knows he wants to ask Nicole out, so he does and if you're keeping track, Nicole has now had 3 dates in 2 weeks. They go out on some jet skis before lying on the beach to make small talk until one of them works up the courage to initiate the make-out session:

It's important to know that right before this kiss, Christian put a gigantic piece of mango in his mouth so I hope Nicole enjoys partially chewed fruit.

When they return to Paradise, Nicole isn't so sure who she likes more: Christian or Clay. Clay catches onto this and pulls her aside to chat. While they're talking, Christian decides to interrupt, causing him and Clay to have the most passive aggressive confrontation while literally holding hands:

Christian eventually leaves them to finish their conversation, but Clay doesn't forget this and returns the favor the next night while Christian is chatting with Nicole. He attempts to pull Nicole away, and taking a page from Hannah's book Nicole's like "omg I don't know how to speak for myself so you two just argue okay." Clay eventually leaves them, but this (for unknown reasons) annoys Jordan.

Jordan proceeds to interrupt Christian and Nicole by trying to hit the piñata Christian has set up for them (oh btw Christian set up a piñata for him and Nicole). Christian reacts as such:

This fight is so bizarre and clearly just Jordan's way of getting more TV time while securing his spot on the next season of BIP. We'll get to see the rest of this play out next week and by "play out" I mean we'll get to see these two scrawny guys yell "bitch" at each other while being held back by 6'7" security guards. I'm positive they're both going home, therefore solving Nicole's guy dilemma.

Where is Tayshia's fan club
So far, it seems Hannah and Nicole are the most popular ladies in Paradise, which is (not gonna lie) pretty baffling. Tayshia is OBJECTIVELY the best looking person here complete with a rarity on this beach: a personality AND brains. And to top it all off, she can wear a necklace without getting a necklace tanline???

Simply amazing. In what may be the smartest move of his life, JPJ sets his sights on Tayshia and tries to win her over by reciting Shakespeare:

This goes about as smooth as crunchy peanut butter, but Tayshia appreciates it and says he's "intellectual," which you can't blame her for saying since the bar here is pretty low and soaked in tequila. Previews seem to show that they're gonna be a thing.

Also, I finally realized that I like JPJ because he reminds me of a character on 90210:

The only good couple on this show

Demi and John Krasinski-lookalike Derek have been coupled up since the beginning and are pretty freaking adorable. This week she decides to tell him that she was dating a woman before coming to Paradise and still thinks about her. She reassures him that she really likes him too, but it's important he know where she stands. Good guy Derek listens and thanks her for bravely sharing and lets her know they can take their relationship as slow as she would like.

This is unrelated to that conversation, but while Derek likes Demi and Demi likes Derek and a girl back home, I like her hoops:

Should I get gold or silver hoops? Can someone help me with this crucial decision.

Favorite snacks of the week
All of the quesadillas and huge pieces of broccoli here:

Whatever this randomly placed quiche thing is:

And of course, my favorite full course meal:

And that's it! I'm thinking Cam, Wills, Jordan and Christian will be outta here next week. And while I love what could happen with Mike and Sydney, I hope he leaves soon to be The Bachelor. I guess we'll see. See you next week! Til then, find me running into inanimate objects then apologizing to them and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 1)

How blessed are we to roll down this trash heap straight into Bachelor in Paradise! Not even a one week break! It's like getting over pink eye only to find we're covered in cold sores! Bless up.

In all honesty, BIP is the best of the three shows because it is messy beyond the help of Marie Kondo. So here we go!

The inaugural week's post is brought to you by the only time I've ever wanted to be a water bottle:

If you thought the suggestive remarks were going to stop with Tyler, ha, nevermind let's be real, none of you thought that. Let's get to this sweaty show!

Such beach couture, wow

Chris Harrison opens the show wearing a MOTHER FRACKING LONG SLEEVED FLANNEL SHIRT. WTF????? AND PANTS????? Ew, I don't even want to know how much his little bird body is sweating.

Things I do not understand
Almost all of the girls initially agree that Blake is the hot salsa at this taco bar and I have never been more confused. Though I mean, wow look at what he's giving us ladies:

Since Blake is the Pikachu everyone wants to choose, he gets the first date card. And despite coming in obsessed with Hannah G., he decides to ask Tayshia out instead. NOTE: Both of these women are out of his league and I will never understand the dynamic this show creates.

Anyway, they go on some dinner date in a random hotel lobby decorated with all of the old Christmas lights your neighbors leave up year-round. The night concludes with a make-out session in an arbitrarily placed hot tub because of the hot tub mandate:

This is why I don't go to Stagecoach
So apparently, if you go to this country music festival, you will sleep with Blake. Details of Blake's affairs begin to surface after his date with Tayshia and to summarize this modern day fairy tale:

This is Blake, aka the guy Bachelorette Becca dumped and left sweatily crying. He is the current "king of Paradise" (heavy emphasis on the quotation marks) who a bunch of the ladies are interested in. I mean, look at this face:

This is Caelynn, aka Miss North Carolina (even though she's from Virginia), who is one billion times better than Blake because BIIIITCH THOSE BROWS AND THAT HAIR, OKAY:

A couple months before Stagecoach, Blake and Caelynn were "talking" and Caelynn was under the impression they were exclusive. At Stagecoach, they slept together and the next morning, Blake sat on his phone next to her talking about how hot Tayshia was while DMing Hannah G. (aw you guys, and they say romance is dead). Caelynn says he also told her their hookup was a mistake and she couldn't tell anyone, so they could both still go on BIP because that is the be-all-end-all that rules their lives. This obviously upset Caelynn and she's here to air that dirty laundry out.

This is Kristina. I didn't watch, but she was on Nick Viall's Bachelor season and BIP two seasons ago where she was involved in a love triangle with Dean, aka quite possibly the dumbest man alive.

She and Blake dated around the end of 2018 (so leading up to the milestone for everything, Stagecoach) and shortly before the festival, they decided to become friends. With benefits. So at the festival, the day before Blake slept with Caelynn, he slept with Kristina.

Now that we've recapped that....

Gee, who will Kristina take on a date
Kristina is our new arrival this week, so she gets to pick any of the dudes to go on a date with. She ends up sweetly asking Blake and FYI he is under the impression they're on good terms and the closest of friends. For the first part of the date, they ride some sort of dune buggy and are acting all cute and hehehehehe, but then....

Kristina is like HAHA JK BITCH, I BROUGHT YOU HERE TO SHIT ON YOU. And proceeds to tell him how terrible of a man he is and how he led her on about their relationship status. Blake, who is definitely one of those guys who does one bicep curl at the gym then stares at himself in the mirror for 15 minutes, flips the table and says that HE is mad at HER. He says he's upset and does he think he's an extra on Law & Order because he's playing the victim MAJORLY. The conversation ends with Blake completely dismissing Kristina's point and swoon, what a prince.

Blake's repulsive tour continues 
After taking the L on the date with Kristina, Blake returns to the beach to have Caelynn pull him aside to chat. By this point, she has inefficiently told everyone about Blake's sordid Stagecoach past by spilling individual cups of tea to each person instead of telling the entire group at one time. She tells him that it really hurt her that he called their night "a mistake" and wanted to keep it a secret and he reacts as such:

He claims ignorance, thinking they were on good terms, which explains why he SPRINTED away and hid when she arrived. Totally makes sense. After she leaves, he realizes this beach is now a Blake Tea Garden and thus tries to decide which of his thumbs is longer:

He spends the next few interviews not really being remorseful about being a dingle berry, but worried about how this makes him look and how he'll appear onscreen. I hate this dude and his oddly short forehead. I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE ATTRACTION TO HIM?? Like yes, he's tall. But he also has a thumb head. Like his neck is the same width as his head. And before you object, it's completely fine to body shame someone who is an absolute monster.

FURTHERMORE, in his intro bit, we find out he still uses an AUX cable in his car:

I'm sorry, but is it 2000 and is that cord plugged into his Walkman to play his latest mix CD of Nickelback and Simple Plan?

Anyway, here's him crying about how no one will want him while we all splash around giggling in his pool of his tears:

Okay, let's get to some non-Blake related things (for the most part).

Congrats on the steroids
Kevin, who had no speaking parts on the last season of The Bachelorette, shows up very VERY proud of his new bod.

He says he worked out 4-5 HOURS a day to get it and wtf man, just buy one of those shirts that has the muscles on it. I would question how he has 5 hours a day to workout, but I'm guessing he doesn't have a real job aside from promoting protein powder on Instagram.

Also his new bod is completely pointless because....

EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO HOME
Because ABC recognizes its audience is mostly creeps like me who want to see Clay's Nutter Butter, we get this entire montage of him working out. Yes, I did scream. As did all of the ladies. Let me know who best depicts your reaction. I'm Nicole, literally having an out-of-body experience:

I don't know if you can tell, but I'm still obsessed with Clay. I actually thought him and Angela were an adorable (and wildly attractive) couple, so I was surprised when he was announced as a BIP cast member a few weeks ago. But, despite what Annaliese says, they broke up, BROKE UP, three months ago. THREE MONTHS. A QUARTER OF A YEAR. That's like 10 years in reality TV time.

So Clay is single as a Pringle and as the ACTUAL undisputed hot guy, gets a date card. He asks Nicole out and they go to a "local festival" that just happens to be going on. I'm not including photos because it's a CTRL C + CTRL V of every date on this show that concludes with them kissing under fireworks. BUT, because I am thorough, Clay doesn't order the foie gras and baguette with Nicole and avoids frenching her. Based on this, I have to assume he's waiting for me.

Who ordered the buzzkill

Annaliese, who cannot exist without crying every 45 seconds, spends 200% of her time this week telling any person or tree who will listen that Clay is a bad guy. Literally no one is asking yet she keeps barging into conversations with "MY BEST FRIEND ANGELA STILL LOVES HIM AND HE WAS STILL TALKING TO HER AND HE'S NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS." Girl, drink this slushee because you need to chill out. Also, it's season 5980 of this show, all of the reasons anyone is here are wrong.

To solidify her position as the beach hall monitor, she confronts Clay RIGHT BEFORE his date with Nicole, telling him she thinks it's terrible how he left things with Angela. This affects him in no way btw, as it shouldn't.

Demi comes through and says "It's weird that you confronted him 2 seconds before his date" and Annaliese is like "I didn't want to" and Demi's like:

Also, Demi is the most hilarious part of this season and I hope she sticks around the entire time.

Welcome to Hannah G.'s season of The Bachelorette

Hannah G., or well I guess she's the only Hannah now, proves to be a hot little Cheeto in Paradise as Dylan, Wills and Blake all go after her. Being that her favorite food is "charcuterie" (wtf), she decides to have a little charSMOOCHerie board this week (I wow myself).

I can't decide if it's cute or semi-creepy, but Dylan shows up already in love with Hannah. Like he clearly had MULTIPLE diary entries about her before coming on the show and has definitely sent her a Facebook relationship request. Hannah seems to like him, but I mean, when there's all this sausage left on the coot board, you gotta try!

So she chats a few times with Wills, who also arrived to Paradise already obsessed with Hannah (very normal). By the end of night 2, she lets him know that she's not interested and he thanks her for her honesty.

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, when we have already determined Blake is shitty, Hannah's like "IDK" and decides to see what's up. He claims he was most excited about meeting her and she makes out with him and the biggest takeaway from their interaction is THOSE HOOPS ARE SO CUTE!

When you make peace with the fact you're gonna have to make out with Cam to ensure you get a rose

Caelynn, whose time has been chipped away by the Blake-Stagecoach drama, realizes she hasn't connected with any of the dudes this week. So she sets her sights on Cam (who is still annoying AF). A real charitable act on her part and he is absolutely giving her a rose next week.

I take solace in the fact that her efforts are worth it since the previews show Mike eventually arriving and getting close with her. If I didn't know Mike was arriving, this is the pairing I would most want to see #Claylynn!

Who is this woman

Jane is allegedly from Colton's season but I have zero recollection of her. And I would've remembered someone who sounds like Sarah Silverman while looking like they used hair gel to splay their brows out. I doubt I'll form any new memories of her because she connects with no one this week, meaning she'll likely go home soon.

Oh wait, she does have a moment with John Paul Jones and by "moment" I mean she feeds him tacos leading him to vomit all over the beach. A real "how I met your mother" story.

We (all of Asia) are counting on you!

There have been exponentially more people named Luke on this show than Asian women, so Sydney making it to Paradise is a major Nguyen. As a reminder, she's a former Knicks' dancer and has long legs, which are two skills I've never been able to master.

I'm rooting for her and honestly, her chances of finding a good dude are already pretty great since she didn't hook up with Blake at Stagecoach, so. Make us proud, Syd!

Wait, Chris is only 32?

Chris, who I believe has just been living in the Bachelor production staff's trailer since the very first season, is back. And there is no scientific way this man is 32. He's at least 45. He's like that guy that graduated high school 15 years ago and is still trying to come to the party, but the thing is, the party is at his house because his kids are the teenagers throwing it.

Some lookalikes

I don't know what it is exactly, maybe their similar smile and shine factor, but Dylan is giving off major Zefron in High School Musical 1 vibes.

I didn't watch Derek's season, but this surely came up, right. Also, Derek shows real courage this season by showing up with GASP body hair. Like he's always wearing a chest hair bib. And I know it's the John Krasinski looks, but I would def let his beard cause a make-out rash on my face.

And that's it! I'm very excited for this to take up 4 hours of our lives every week for the next 6 weeks. See you next week when I'm sure the outdoor cushions will start to show wear and tear. Til then, find me eating Pringles in one bite because they are one-bite snacks, and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).