Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 2)

This week's post is brought to you by the sweetest, juiciest thing to arrive in Paradise:

Like rational thoughts and intelligent conversations here, these babies are completely ignored.

Some karma-related items
First, in a shocking turn of events, Annaliese, who spent the entirety of last week alternating between weeping and screaming at people to not trust Clay, is sent home roseless. She reacts as such:

She's "blindsided" because she saw it being her and old guy Chris in the end, which is batshit crazy to say about a dude she talked to for 15 minutes on a beach. The only blindsided thing about this is that she's blonde and Sandra Bullock's character in "The Blindside" was blonde too.

And second, during a segment of the show where we're forced to look at Blake's lunchmeat body, he trips on a rock and ends up losing his toenail:

I really cannot emphasize enough how repulsed I am by him in every way, so it's pretty excellent to see karma quite literally jump up and bite him.

"He's putting his spoon in all the pudding!"
Jordan is our first new arrival this week and as a reminder, he got engaged at the end of Paradise last year to my NC fav Jenna (who turned out to be kind of a monster).

Again, I don't purposely take these screenshots they just happen. Healed and moisturized after his breakup, he's ready to find love beginning with a date card. He chats with a few of the ladies and quickly gets the dirt on the Blake situation, prompting his pudding and spoon comment. FYI: Blake's "spoon" is def one of those miniature plastic spoons from Baskin Robbins that's already been used and is in that little trashcan.

Eventually, like every other dude here, Jordan decides to ask out Hannah because "We're both models!" And at first she's thrilled to have another member in her fan club, but then realizes the pimp life ain't for everyone. She tells him she's already dating two guys and can't add another to the lineup. So Jordan settles for asking out Nicole and they head out for some ziplining, which Nicole proceeds to do in the stupidest way possible:

As a tip, you really shouldn't angle your arms TOWARD the rope that the metal device is sliding down. She's also wearing the highest waisted leggings I have ever seen. Like her leggings are pulled almost to the bottom of her sports bra:

How this woman doesn't have the most uncomfortable camel toe in the history of camel toes is beyond me.

While they have a nice date, Nicole returns to the beach still liking Clay the most. She lets him know that and they make-out on these enormous pillows:

At first I was so confused about whose hand that was. So randomly placed.

HOT MIKE HOT MIKE HOT MIKE
As a form of cruel and unusual punishment, the producers make Mike arrive to the beach FULLY CLOTHED:

I'll let Onyeka's response speak for all of us because every woman on the beach immediately began ovulating:

While deciding who to give his date card to, Mike chats with Caelynn who tells him that her and Cam did "talk" a bit but she's "open" to what's out there, which is exactly what I would say even if I was in a 20-year committed relationship with someone because Hot Mike only comes along once in your life. He decides to ask her out and this is the brow coupling I've been waiting for:

They have a nice dinner and seem to hit it off, but a new guy (more on that later) eventually steals Caelynn's attention leading Mike to divert his focus to a spicier bowl of ramen:

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, he surprises Sydney with ice cream and unless she's in the minority of Asians who aren't lactose intolerant, she's gonna be surprising him with a trip to Fartsville. He tells her his favorite ice cream is cookies and cream and let's just say I've got some cookies he can cream and OH MY GOD WOW I HAVE TOPPED MYSELF.

Anywho, I love them and consider her a fill-in for me because I too am a former NBA dancer who can do the splits, thanks for asking.

Meanwhile, at the Dashboard Confessional concert
Cam has been crying since Caelynn left because he was positive that since they talked for a week, marriage would be the obvious next step.

He says he was "born to be a husband" and "wants marriage SO bad" and wow, Desperate Housewives table for 1 please. He feels like Caelynn has been "stripped away" from him, which now is as good a time as ever to point out that Caelynn cannot be "stripped away" from anyone because DUN DUN DUN no one owns her. IT'S A WILD CONCEPT, I KNOW.

Also want to point out it's insane he thought she was even marginally interested in him because during their last conversation, he reads some poem or something to her and this is the face she makes the entire time:

So he spends the entire week moping on the beach while staring out into the horizon waiting for a wife to appear. I'm pretty sure he'll be going home after the next Rose Ceremony.

Checking in with the stupidest love triangle ever
After spending an entire day canoodling cutie Dylan, Hannah kicks off her evening by going off with Blake and by "going off" I mean they literally go 2 ft. away from where the rest of the group (including Dylan) is. Blake asks her to dance because at some point in his life someone must've joked that he was a good dancer and he took them seriously. They sway back and forth and he spins her and do you think his body feels like Silly Putty because it looks like it does:

They start making out, again literally 12 inches away from Dylan, so he of course comes over to be like yo, wtf. A summary of their conversation:

Dylan: Hannah, can we talk
Blake (who is not Hannah): Yo, come on man, I'm in the middle of woo'ing her with my amazing dancing
Dylan: Hannah, please
Blake: YOU'RE MAKING HANNAH UNCOMFORTABLE

Mind you, one person could bring this entire situation to an end: Hannah. But this is her during this entire argument:

And look, there's nothing wrong with sampling all of the flavors, but confidently own that you're doing that and don't act like a confused baby deer about it. This idiotic argument could've been squashed had Hannah told Butter Pecan (Dylan) that she enjoys him but is just sampling freezer burn Sugar Free Vanilla (Blake). Easy peasy!

Dylan realizes his efforts to talk with Hannah are now fruitless because she has lost the ability to speak for herself, instead letting Blake speak for her. Dylan then tries to contact her using only his mind:

After he walks away, Hannah and Blake go sit on one of those dirty beach beds and she worries that this makes her look like a bad person (not that she hurt Dylan's feelings). Blake reassures her that NO ONE is judging her. Meanwhile, here is everyone judging her:

Later, we discover an uncooked bit in this spoiled meatloaf: Blake texted and visited Hannah a week before Paradise (I think to ask why she wasn't at Stagecoach). Tayshia confronts Hannah about this and her shitty behavior in general. A summary of their conversation:

Tayshia: We're friends, it would've been cool had you told me about you and Blake getting together 4 seconds before Paradise
Hannah: THAT WASN'T MY BUSINESS TO TELL, I WAS JUST THE OTHER PERSON INVOLVED ALSO LOOK AT MY SCRUNCHIE
Tayshia: Like, just a heads up would've been cool
Hannah: STOP ATTACKING ME, I AM THE VICTIM HERE AND I HAVE REALLY BEEN STRUGGLING WITH HAVING ALL OF THE CAKES AND EATING THEM TOO, OKAY

To bring this full circle, Hannah is a monster and will surely continue to string Dylan along while seemingly liking Blake more.

Are you a hipster or are you homeless?
The aforementioned new arrival who steals Caelynn's attention is none other than 2-Brain Celled Dean, rocking long hair, a creeper stache and body grime from not showering:

I didn't watch the past season of BIP he was on, but I did trudge through his time on Rachel's season of The Bachelorette when he revealed his personality is just an empty sewing box with a marble rolling around. Armed with a date card, he eventually asks out Caelynn because he needs to show her that he has that same stretched out shirt in a different color:

They proceed to ignore plates of GIANT skramps and the thing here is, at least Dean was sort of hot before (therefore making up for his lack of intelligence). But now he has the audacity to be dumb AND ugly. Caelynn doesn't mind and they eventually get in the pool:

I'm sure Caelynn is under the impression this is romantic, but in actuality this is the first time Dean has bathed in weeks because I forgot to mention, he doesn't have a job and lives in a van. And if that doesn't get your lady parts revved up, he also has a Hey Arnold tattoo:

He undoubtedly smells like old hot dogs and sweaty socks.

I have never seen this man in my life
Our third new guy this week is Christian, who was on Becca's season and went home on the first night. Meaning he didn't even make it through the "Do I think you're hot" round.

He already knows he wants to ask Nicole out, so he does and if you're keeping track, Nicole has now had 3 dates in 2 weeks. They go out on some jet skis before lying on the beach to make small talk until one of them works up the courage to initiate the make-out session:

It's important to know that right before this kiss, Christian put a gigantic piece of mango in his mouth so I hope Nicole enjoys partially chewed fruit.

When they return to Paradise, Nicole isn't so sure who she likes more: Christian or Clay. Clay catches onto this and pulls her aside to chat. While they're talking, Christian decides to interrupt, causing him and Clay to have the most passive aggressive confrontation while literally holding hands:

Christian eventually leaves them to finish their conversation, but Clay doesn't forget this and returns the favor the next night while Christian is chatting with Nicole. He attempts to pull Nicole away, and taking a page from Hannah's book Nicole's like "omg I don't know how to speak for myself so you two just argue okay." Clay eventually leaves them, but this (for unknown reasons) annoys Jordan.

Jordan proceeds to interrupt Christian and Nicole by trying to hit the piñata Christian has set up for them (oh btw Christian set up a piñata for him and Nicole). Christian reacts as such:

This fight is so bizarre and clearly just Jordan's way of getting more TV time while securing his spot on the next season of BIP. We'll get to see the rest of this play out next week and by "play out" I mean we'll get to see these two scrawny guys yell "bitch" at each other while being held back by 6'7" security guards. I'm positive they're both going home, therefore solving Nicole's guy dilemma.

Where is Tayshia's fan club
So far, it seems Hannah and Nicole are the most popular ladies in Paradise, which is (not gonna lie) pretty baffling. Tayshia is OBJECTIVELY the best looking person here complete with a rarity on this beach: a personality AND brains. And to top it all off, she can wear a necklace without getting a necklace tanline???

Simply amazing. In what may be the smartest move of his life, JPJ sets his sights on Tayshia and tries to win her over by reciting Shakespeare:

This goes about as smooth as crunchy peanut butter, but Tayshia appreciates it and says he's "intellectual," which you can't blame her for saying since the bar here is pretty low and soaked in tequila. Previews seem to show that they're gonna be a thing.

Also, I finally realized that I like JPJ because he reminds me of a character on 90210:

The only good couple on this show

Demi and John Krasinski-lookalike Derek have been coupled up since the beginning and are pretty freaking adorable. This week she decides to tell him that she was dating a woman before coming to Paradise and still thinks about her. She reassures him that she really likes him too, but it's important he know where she stands. Good guy Derek listens and thanks her for bravely sharing and lets her know they can take their relationship as slow as she would like.

This is unrelated to that conversation, but while Derek likes Demi and Demi likes Derek and a girl back home, I like her hoops:

Should I get gold or silver hoops? Can someone help me with this crucial decision.

Favorite snacks of the week
All of the quesadillas and huge pieces of broccoli here:

Whatever this randomly placed quiche thing is:

And of course, my favorite full course meal:

And that's it! I'm thinking Cam, Wills, Jordan and Christian will be outta here next week. And while I love what could happen with Mike and Sydney, I hope he leaves soon to be The Bachelor. I guess we'll see. See you next week! Til then, find me running into inanimate objects then apologizing to them and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).