Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by THE RETURN OF MY ABSOLUTE FAV, TIA!

Making the face we all make in reaction to 98% of the things that happen on this show. She joins the gang for Chris and Krystal's wedding (yes there's a wedding this week, very regular), but because she has dignity and self-respect doesn't join the cast because she went through this shit show last year.

And yes I follow her on all social media and yes I use her discount code for anything she's peddling because I am a sheep, let's move on.

We're four weeks deep in this cesspool!

"It took me four flights and lost luggage to get here"

Tahzjuan is the first addition to the prison experiment this week. She was on Colton's season for about the length of time it takes to sneeze and she didn't go to Stagecoach, so none of these bobos really remember her.

She already knows she wants to use her date card on JPJ and since Tayshia just told him she doesn't care if he goes on other dates, he accepts. They head out to dinner, which JPJ calls his "first Tahzjuan on one" before absolutely dying of laughter:

I haven't seen such self-congratulatory laughter since I asked the guy at the bubble tea place if the Panda Milk Tea had real bits of panda in it (yes, I am hilarious, thank you). JPJ also does the UNTHINKABLE and tries the random dinner food, which I want to point out is USUALLY some juicy looking chicken or grilled fish or creamy ass pasta, but this week it's apparently blood and walnuts mixed with burnt cheese atop a pile of sand:

In a shocking turn of events, this pile of random congealed items almost makes JPJ vomit so we're lucky enough to hear heaving noises into a mic again. They end the night with some dancing before jumping in a nearby river (river??) naked. This series of events convinces Tahz that she and JPJ are now in love and it'll be "smooth sailing in Paradise." Meanwhile, this is JPJ the next day:

He peps up after our second new arrival, Haley, decides to use her date card on him.

Fulfilling our love triangle requirement this week
For their date, JPJ and Haley ride horses across the 50 feet distance from the Paradise house to their blanket date setup. Once there, the producers use a comedically large box to block out Haley's butt which is ridiculous because if they want to shield our eyes from anything it should be Blake's face.

JPJ then applies an entire bottle of sunscreen around Haley's black box, which she finds sexy, but in reality, WTF??? All of that lotion is NEVER gonna get rubbed in. And now her ass is gonna be so slippery! Good luck not sliding off the toilet girl.

They return to Paradise and Winnie the Pooh for a bit:

Meanwhile, Tahz has been having one of the most epic meltdowns in response to JPJ going on a date with someone else. First, after complaining it's so hot she can't even put on eyeliner or think about touching someone else, she sort of passes out:

Luckily, the show has a "doctor" on call who is surely just an extra from one of the 14 medical shows on ABC:

The "doctor" says Tahz is fine and just needs Gatorade, which she argues with saying she wants guacamole instead.

After her health scare, Tahz lounges in the pool and spends time with the best thing on this show:

How everyone avoids eating chips the entire time is beyond me because nothing makes me want chips more than being awake and also being at the beach.

Post-chips, Tahz continues her Summertime Sadness feast with pool pasta:

This was the point that I realized Tahz is exactly who I would be in Paradise: 1) Shows up excited and happy, 2) Complains about the heat, 3) Makes out with a dude, 4) Is unreasonably emotionally enraged that he doesn't want to leave and get married ASAP, 5) Eats her feelings via carbs in the pool.

And the ketchup topper on this corndog is she ends the day by screaming into the ocean:

I was just happy she lived her best life this day because JPJ ends up giving his rose to Haley, sending Tahz home.

Why Tayshia removes herself from the race for JPJ
Tayshia admits Derek caught her eye first, but she never had a chance to chat him up since he and Demi got hot and heavy right off the bat. But now that he's single as a Pringle, she's ready to shoot her shot. She lets him know that she understands he's moving on from Demi, but that she hopes he can at least consider the idea of them. He's hesitant at first, but during a chat later tells her he's ready to break the "friendship barrier" and the only way to do that is by using his lips as a sledgehammer:

Tayshia says he's a better kisser than Colton so she's already upgraded, but when the bar for kissing is literally below ground, it's pretty easy to upgrade. Later, Tayshia and Sydney expand upon Colton's kissing, saying he is the worst kisser they've ever experienced, which only confirms a fact we already knew to be true.

An event to stir fry the drama
Krystal (who faked a high-pitched voice during her entire time on Arie's season of The Bachelor) and Chris (who looks a taller version of Ben Stiller) mark the one-year anniversary of their meeting on Bachelor in Paradise by getting married because we will never be able to get off this stupid carousel.

Chris Harrison officiates and all of the guests are people from the Bachelor franchise because they must make you sign some sort of agreement promising you'll cut out non-Bachelor people from your life and Instagram. The actual wedding doesn't matter, but merely serves as a setting for a couple of dramatic situations to unfold:

Dramatic situation #1 - Clay and Angela
Clay hasn't seen Angela since they broke up a few months ago, so she is OF COURSE a bridesmaid at this "wedding." Nicole repeatedly voices how confident she is about her relationship with Clay, which means she is VERY insecure about her relationship with Clay. And honestly she should be because THIS IS ANGELA:

Like I know face transplants aren't a thing, but if they were I'd probably ask for The Angela. Unrelated, but I'm sort of dying at how Dylan looks like a muppet.

Long story not made short, not everyone gets invited to the wedding "after party" because the producers really need these idiots to zero in on the drama, beginning with Clay and Angela.

Mostly including this focus on Angela because the woman has no pores, it's unreal. Clay tells her he still cares for her a lot and she's like, well why did you dump me. And he babbles on about nothing as Clay does and she calls him out for saying he needed to breakup to focus on himself and be alone, but then joined BIP. I know editing plays a role, but at no point does he mention that he and Nicole are a thing. And while Nicole won't admit it, I'm worried my boyfriend will leave me for Angela and I don't even have a boyfriend. If I'm worried, Nicole sure as hell should be.

Dramatic situation #2 - JPJ and Derek

Going from zero to 60 in record time, JPJ launches a verbal attack on Derek, claiming he is "the frat boy of the Bachelor world" who uses his "fame" (lololol) to hook up with women. JPJ believes he is acting in the best interest of Tayshia by revealing Derek is a monster except, no one really believes his claims. Derek keeps trying to respond to this random outburst, but JPJ keeps yelling over him "I DON'T WANT TO BE ON YOUR PODCAST." While the competition is stiff, this is hands down one of the stupidest fights to happen. Like, all of these dudes (except for Mike) are trash, so seeing trash call trash, trash, is moot.

Speaking of trash...

Things I remain repulsed by

Thumb Head returns the "friendship rose" favor (wtf) to Kristina this week, effectively sending Caitlin home because the producers realized there were far too many brunettes running around.

Blake then spends most of the week AGAIN moping about how, in the aftermath of his Stagecoach douchebaggery, his time here has been so difficult. Cry me a river, shatface.

Things I remain bored by

Dylan and Hannah spend this week napping. And every time we see them napping, Hannah is quite literally facing away from him while he clings to her like a dryer sheet. Their whole deal is such a snoozefest.

As the Caelynn turns
Caelynn begins the week in her fantasy world where she thinks a mustached man who doesn't bathe regularly and lives in a van could be a great serious boyfriend. After giving her his rose, Dean shocks us all with a bout of rational thinking — he tells Caelynn they are so different and even though he cares for her, there is still no way he's ready for a relationship at the end of this, so to make it easier for her to move on he's going to leave. And he does.

I should point out that this is all happens on Caelynn's birthday. Before the Rose Ceremony, Dean surprises her with a cake and has the group sing "Happy Birthday," making him as thoughtful as a waiter at Applebee's.

Based on this, Caelynn is SURE Dean is her "forever," so she's legitimately shocked when this man, who has not had a mature relationship in his life and, I cannot stress this enough, LIVES IN A VAN, decides to leave.

The next morning, still grieving, she reacts as any of us would — by dragging out her trifold makeup mirror and putting on her best contouring while surrounded by a mess of baggage (both emotional and literal):

The contouring pays off as things pick up for Caelynn at Chris and Krystal's wedding where she meets vocal fry Connor. After spending the day moping about Dean, four minutes with Connor reminds her that Dean is not the only white brunette guy around. They end up kissing, which may sound fast but you have to remember that Connor has liked many of Caelynn's Instagram posts so the pace of this relationship is normal.

He then of course ends up joining Paradise, which delights Caelynn because she's been "waiting for Connor since Day 1" (sure Jan). He asks her on a date, which they show up for after being sprayed down with Pam:

What is it with this show and making everyone slippery? Their date consists of painting a canvas using their bodies and by "painting" I mean rolling around while making out covered in paint:

This escapade ends with them both looking like the Hulk:

And with that, we learn that all it took was having paint in every crevice of her body for Caelynn to get over Dean.

Snacks of the week
I mean literal snacks.

Look at that plate of perfectly cooked fries! And that plate of chicken wings! AND WHO THE HELL LEFT JUST ONE SLICE OF PIZZA??? These people really are monsters.

"If Angela came down those steps, Clay and Nicole would not be together"
[CUE ANGELA]

And that's it! On one hand, I applaud these producers for cramming so many separate dramatic storylines into four hours, on the other hand, I hate everything, and on the other other hand OH MY GOD I HAVE THREE HANDS. Only two more weeks to go! See you next week when Nicole will inevitably claim she doesn't feel threatened by Angela while also reporting to the FBI that she's threatened by Angela. Til then, find me occasionally checking if I can move things with my mind like Matilda and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).