Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Sydney peacocking for Mike:

I mean, shoot your shot girl. If I was even mildly flexible, I'd be doing splits and backbends for Mike too.

We've made it to week 3!

Nicole's love triangle becomes a line
We get to see this fight between Christian and Jordan play out and it's as stupid as you can imagine. Christian seems to sort of push Jordan away leading Jordan to body slam him before the BIP bodyguards intervene to hold them back as they both call each other bitch.

After the altercation, Chris Harrison shows up in his best finance bro outfit, which can only mean one thing: both of these bozos are going home. And they do. And no one cares.

Nicole proceeds to put on a show of the worst acting I've seen since every minute of "Secret Obsession" (can everyone plz watch this). With less emotion in her voice than a boiled egg, she says she "was so scared" and "did not want that to happen" even though she spent the last two weeks begging the dudes to be "more aggressive." She then tells Clay that when the fighting started, all she wanted was "to see him" and his dumb ass takes the bait. He then tells her that she looks like "the better version of Jennifer Lopez" AND Y'ALL, HAHAHAHA. I haven't cackled that hard since the last time I was cooking up some stuff over my witch cauldron. Let's get one thing straight here: The "better" version of Jennifer Lopez is Jennifer Lopez.

At some point later in the week, Nicole surprises Clay with some wack song she "wrote," that Clay's corny ass finds adorable. What I want to note here is they appear to have about as much chemistry as me and the actual school subject Chemistry. Watching them kiss is like seeing two plant leaves touch each other. It just elicits no reaction because it is that boring.

And y'all I really do try to avoid judging the girls except when necessary, but who told Nicole these frilly skirts were a thing. Because unless you are a literal baby, you shouldn't be wearing them.

"You like gummy worms and I like gummy worms"
Dylan offering the most rational reason for why he and Hannah belong together (tbh it's a pretty good reason). At the Rose Ceremony, Hannah finally circles "yes" on Dylan's "Will you go out with me" note and chooses him over Blake.

This is hilarious because Blake went into the ceremony absolutely POSITIVE Hannah would give him a rose. Seeing his face fall while Chris smirks and Mike laughs internally and externally is priceless:

Later, Dylan and Hannah get a date card and he lets her know he's falling in love with her, which is coconuts because I've spent more time watching a Hot Pocket cook than they've known each other.

She responds by touching her ear to ensure it hasn't fallen off before thanking him for watching the oven as she tasted all of the cookies. Even though she doesn't return his insanely fast feelings yet, he's satisfied knowing that she at least likes him.

It's pretty clear that in this relationship, Dylan is Wile E. Coyote and Hannah is the Road Runner and her ass is def running away at the first sight of a new hot guy.

"Blake is the turd that won't flush"
Demi remains the most quotable this season. Blake's stupid thumb head ends up getting Kristina's rose because she is absolutely one of those people who touches a hot burner, screams OUCH, then touches it again. She tells him that he "deserves" another chance at love when the only thing he actually deserves is to walk on a carpet of Legos for the rest of his life.

What's important to note here is that the person who feels the most sorry for Blake is.....Blake. He cannot believe everyone here has caught onto the fact that he's a monster and won't support him being the puppy that humps everything. He's all Drake sad in his feelings until Caitlin arrives:

She chats with a few guys and quickly realizes Blake is the only one not boo'd up. So she settles for asking him on the date where they do some sort of "yoga" that entails them trying to fart into each other. Very zen.

And dear God Blake is the one man I DID NOT want to see in spandex. Like of all the bodies on this beach, I would like him to be covered with a blanket at all times. After the farting yoga, they move things to the pool for some mandatory kissing:

He clearly has no actual interest in her because to be honest, Blake would make out with a pineapple if you put a bikini top on it. He also spends most of his interview time talking about how everyone should forgive him because he's tired of apologizing. Wow, he's really becoming a better man. Swoon.

JPJ — yay or nay?
While the 6's on this beach ignore the only 10 (Tayshia), JPJ swoops in. From the jump, he admits Tayshia is out of his league and "the hottest girl I have ever talked to." Reciting lines from Romeo & Juliet works, as Tayshia gives him her rose this week and he accepts by saying "yas kween":

He's starting to grow on me and obviously also on Tayshia. A summary of the cute convo they have the next night:

JPJ: All I want to do is hang out in the pool with you and talk all day
Tayshia: Um, well I was here at the pool all day today and we didn't talk
JPJ: Oh yeah, sorry I ate a bunch of tacos then needed to take a nap

That is quite possibly the only excuse I will accept for a guy not hanging out with me. Because when tacos and naps call, you gotta answer!

Anyway, I find them sort of cute (for now) while being extremely aware that Tayshia is WAAAAAAY too good for him.

Why are these so big

It feels pretty dangerous to have these ENORMOUS vases (are these vases?) around these drunken fools, doesn't it? How has one of these ding dongs not knocked one over or jumped into one?

"Oh God she's awful"
Caitlin, who was sent home on one of Colton's first group dates because she has less personality than a white crayon, tries to suss out the Kristina-Blake situation. The conversation begins cordial cherry enough, but quickly goes down the pooper.

Caitlin points out that Kristina is going after Blake for a "friendship" rose, which takes away the opportunity she and Blake might have to form a connection (Reminder: Blake is not interested in Caitlin).

And Kristina's point is, well she has no point and almost immediately dons a helmet and pads on the defensive line while yelling over Caitlin. Their conversation ends as most pointless confrontations do on this show, with them both saying "okay" under their breath as they part ways.

Caitlin vents to Caelynn about the conversation and I think this is her checking her vision because she isn't sure if she's just looking into a mirror:

Don't they kind of look alike? Also are all of the woman issued a scrunchie upon arrival?

Another triangle
The following is an exhaustive list of triangles I'm interested in: Isosceles, Equilateral, Scalene, Bermuda. THAT'S IT. Nonetheless, we get a new love triangle this week with Jen's arrival.

After sorting through this pile of junk male, she finally decides on Chris' old ass. This is interesting timing considering he and Katie just had a chat about their relationship status where Chris clearly voiced his liking for Katie and Katie told him he was free to talk to and date anyone. So when Jen asks him on the date, this is how Katie reacts:

She realizes she must be a screwdriver because she has literally screwed herself. All she had to do was tell Chris she liked him too!

For their date, Jen and Chris head out on a boat that seems to be situated in a wave pool because it's rough as hell. Chris gets seasick and there's nothing that summarizes the feeling of this show more than the sound of vomiting into a mic.

After they return and Chris (hopefully) swishes some Listerine, they chat more and Chris realizes he likes Jen too. He shares this with Katie and lets her know that he's still sorting out the situation but also wishes Katie would've realized how much she liked him before the date.

Katie cannot believe that Chris went out and enjoyed his time with another woman after she told him he could go out and enjoy his time with another woman. And with that, we have a new triangle.

Demi, here to save this trash fire of a show
After being the strongest couple here, Demi finally admits to Derek that she has been thinking A LOT about the woman she was dating back home and missing her more and more. Derek is super understanding and wants her to take as much time as she needs to figure out her feelings and mostly gives her space this week.

And who better to fill that space and help Demi sort out her feelings than Alabama Hannah:

Because if there's one person she needs advice from, it's the woman with horrendous judgment who just seconds ago wasted her season of The Bachelorette on a big headed idiot as opposed to a hot ass model with a real job and genuine feelings for her (I am still upset over that season if you can't tell).

They talk and Hannah tells Demi to follow her heart, but Demi still feels conflicted because she does like Derek.

So, to really help Demi sort out her feelings, the producers bring Kristian (who she was seeing back home) to Paradise:

They talk and Demi says she has such clarity now with Kristian being here and absolutely wants to be with her. She talks through it with Derek and he does something we rarely see on Paradise: listens. And tells her she deserves to feel the way she feels and be happy with who she wants to be happy with. He realizes what she's gone through is much harder than the heartbreak he's feeling.

Derek asks to meet Kristian before Demi introduces her to the group and Demi agrees. They all talk for a bit and this is probably the most genuine and meaningful series of events to happen on this show EVER.

Demi and Kristian then go on a date where Demi tells Kristian she's finally found herself and what her heart wants. And they kiss and hold hands and seriously, this is the most loving and real relationship to ever occur on this show.

But also, they ignore what appears to be a big ass pile of rice with a side of potato? CARB HEAVEN.

I gotta give credit to Kristian who is not from this Bachelor nightmare, yet still knows not to eat the food. My hungry hungry hippo ass would IMMEDIATELY eat that pile of rice and whatever lobster tails or steak was available. While staring directly into the camera.

And that's it! Thank goodness for Demi because aside from her, this season blows more than a hair dryer.

See you next week! Til then, find me Googling the difference between possums and opossums and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).