What Did We Learn from the 2013 Golden Globes?

Well, the Globes have come and gone.  I thoroughly enjoyed them this year, even though the network once again ignored my request for a shirtless Zac Efron to present every award.  There's always 2014.  Anyway, here we go!

Let's recap with lessons learned, beginning with E!'s Red Carpet coverage:

- First off, we learned that Giuliana Rancic is a vampire from the 1800s, who most likely runs a brothel. I'm not even going to show you the bottom of this dress, just focus on top.  Though, don't stare too long, or she'll materialize in your bedroom and suck your blood.

-Secondly, Lady Seacrest and his "girlfriend" (read: BEARD) came with matching updos.  Do you think they used the same mousse?  Probably not.  I hear Seacrest is extra picky with his hair.  As a side note Megan Fox sarcastically (or well, I choose to believe she was being sarcastic) told him "I like your hair.":

General Seacrest Observations:

• Said "Can we see your feet? We don't want to miss this opportunity" to Amy Adams. Cross that off the bucket list!
• He should never say the word "sex." It's like seeing an elephant try to walk a tightrope.
• Seeing men like Ben Affleck stand next to him shows us the wide spectrum of manliness.
• He spoke so vividly with his hands, it made Bradley Cooper uncomfortable.

- Thirdly, I wish there was a way E! could hire me as the Glam Cam.  You know, the camera that gets to pan up and down at the outfit choice of whoever is being interviewed by one of the many E! failbots. They should put the camera inside some sunglasses, so when Hugh Dancy (Claire Danes fine ass husband) approaches, I can creepily scan him up and down.  But for "work" purposes, of course.

Onto the Show!

Someone call the unicorn police, TAY TAY LOST.  To the Meryl Streep of the music world, Adele.  Did Tay-Tay actually think her Hunger Games whine would beat the bitch slap vocals of Queen Adele? Anyway, this was her reaction.  I laughed for a good 10 minutes.  Yes, I'm a bully.

Jennifer Lawrence, or J.Law as we call her, is absolutely FLAWLESS.  She wore this ridic Dior gown that was one of my top 3 of the evening, and refused to shake Seacrest's hand because she's "sick." Whether she actually was or not, who cares, she refused Seacrest on live TV, and for that, I am forever grateful.  Also, she beat Meryl Streep AND Helen Mirren for Best Actress.  ULTIMATE LIFE GOAL, ACHIEVED.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner are the Prom King and Queen of the Golden Globes/LIFE.  First off, he is looking really smoking hot lately, I mean, scolding fire hot.  And secondly, she was the first celebrity BFF I sent a bracelet to (which she accepted via a restraining order, just kidding! I think) because she is a badass, but a badass who you can picture has a garden and brings sliced oranges to her kids' soccer games.  Anyway, they are almost too cute to handle.  Put a wiener dog in a giraffe costume in his arm, and I think I might actually die.  Sidenote, let us appreciate the girl in the back right cheesing for the paparazzi.  WIN!

I should get partial credit for Anne Hathaway's win, as I ate all of that food she wasn't eating, when she was losing all of that weight for "Les Miserables."  SUCH a good person.

Apparently everybody loves HBO's "Girls," which I accept/support.  In her speech, Lena Dunham thanked Chad Lowe, because she had always promised herself she would.  Love it.  I'd thank Zac Efron, just prior to ripping my dress off and attacking his face with my face.  That's how to start a relationship, right?

Major lesson:  Apparently, there are no standards or pre-requisites in order to be invited to the Golden Globes, as is proved evident in the fact that J.Alba was not only allowed to attend, but they actually let her present an award!  I could produce an entire blog full of jokes, so I'll stop here.

Let me note, I love "Homeland."  But, I'm pretty sure Claire Danes won by hypnotizing/brain-washing the Hollywood Foreign Press Association with her crazy-non-blinking eyes.  During her speech, I felt both frightened and motivated to buy every season of "My So-Called Life." 

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should host every televised event that will ever occur.  And they should feature one drunk HBIC (i.e. Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep) per event.

And let's wrap things up with drunk Glenn Close, because drunken HBIC Queens rule the universe:

Cheers to awards show season!  I'm off to catch the flu because I heard Meryl Streep has it.