What Did We Learn from the 2013 SAG Awards?

1.  Jennifer Lawrence continues to dominate awards show season. 

Seriously, if there was a varsity letter for winning awards, J.Law would’ve lettered a Meryl Streep amount of times by now. Plus, she tripped all over herself getting up to accept the award and made this gesture pictured above during her speech. Well played.  I would do the same, except trip, fall out of my dress onto Zac Efron, then stumble onto stage. Like a boss.

2.  Ben Affleck continues to woo my heart.

Let me again note that he and Jennifer Garner win for Prom King and Queen of the SAG awards (they previously won for the Golden Globes too). Literally every time the camera showed them, I said “AWWW” out loud. I even accept that scruffy-mountain-man beard he’s got going on. It’s like he’s a rugged Boston lumberjack. I’d make an inappropriate joke here about cutting down trees or deflowering or something, but I want to keep it PG-rated.

3.  Downton Abbey should win at least one award at every show.

I only recently found out that this show is called “DOWTON Abbey” and not “DOWNTOWN Abbey.” Doesn’t Downtown Abbey sound more normal? Like, “Oh, where are you going?”  “To downtown Abbey.” And when I present this rational chain of thought, I most often receive this as a reply: “Uh, but it’s Downton Abbey.” THAT IS NOT A REASON. Anyway, to my point. The woman who accepted the award for the cast had the most brilliant accent ever. Kind of like a cross between Oliver Twist and Madonna (when she’s British). We should let them accept an award at every show.

4.  The quality of a show increases fifty-fold when you don’t show shots of Jessica Alba or J.Lo’s current boy toy. 

I appreciate the SAGs (can I call them that?) weeding out the Z-listers.  Sorry bout it JAlba (she does not garner the accolades associated with a period after her first initial), but you are a Z-lister. I like to remind people every once in a while that she did that movie "Honey." I laugh just thinking about it. And do we really need to see what unknown-K.Fed J.Lo is dating this week? Thank you SAGs, for keeping it classy. I'm not featuring a photo here as that would totally oppose all of my beliefs. 

5.  Julianna Margulies haunts my dreams, slash, is a ghost.

So I don’t watch that show “The Good Wife,” so I’m not privved to Julianna Margulies face on a regular basis. Seeing her present at the SAGs was the first time I’ve seen her in a while (we’re not on a BFF basis). And dear God, what happened to her face? She was on screen for a solid 2 minutes and I swear, SHE DID NOT BLINK ONCE. I think she got her eyes botoxed. And I don’t mean like, the skin around her eyes, I mean her actual eyeballs. Because, everyone knows eyeballs show your true age. Aint nobody got time for back of the eyeball wrinkles! Also, I'm pretty sure that ponytail was what was holding everything together. Later on in the night, Daniel Day Lewis accidentally bumped into her, unraveling her hair. Her face immediately melted off.

As a sidenote, Nicole Kidman continues to be a fembot.

6.  Julianne Moore has boobs.

Let’s reference the photo.  I was absolutely positive that one or both of her boobs was going to make a guest appearance at some point. This photo actually does her justice, as she is not moving. When she walked onto stage to accept her award, you'd swear there was a breeze just blowing the material around her boobs around. She also kind of reminds me of those moms who try to stay "hip" by dressing really inappropriately in public places. "Hey Jonie, isn't that your Mom? That lady over there? With the boob hanging out of her mesh tank top?"

 7.  Sally Fields looks good, ya’ll!

Because of this, Meryl Streep and Helen Mirren are thinking about letting her sit with them again. Sally was banished after wearing sweatpants twice in one week back in 2009.

8.  I still feel immediately repulsed by the show being called the “SAG” awards.  

Let's face it, nothing good is associated with the word sag.