What Did We Learn from the 2015 SAG Awards?

1.  Tatiana Maslany and Tom Cullen are unbelievably beautiful together.  Have you ever made a sandwich with the best salami and cheese and toppings and it was just a masterpiece?  Right, that is them.  This photo (which is dramatically black and white) made me think -- have I ever stared that intensely and lovingly at something?  Yes, yes I have.  I did that just last Tuesday at Chipotle.  That chicken burrito and I had a moment very similar to this one.  I knew I should've used that sepia filter.

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2.  Rashida Jones provided more scientific proof that all red carpet hosts are in an unnecessary competition of ignorance.  It's as if they study all year out of some sort of manual that contains the World's Most Vapidly Ignorant Questions (likely written by Seacrest).  This rocket scientist asked Rashida why she looked so tan, to which Rashida replied:

3.  Wait, you know I can't touch on the subject of red carpet incompetence without mentioning E!. There's no need to provide context and I'm truly only including this because Julianne Moore is straight up rejecting a request to do the Mani Cam, which is by far the icing on the E! cake of boring red carpet coverage.  I can think of zero times I've wanted zoomed in footage of someone's fingers while they pretend their hand is walking down a red carpet.  Unless that hand was Zac Efron's, in which case, I would watch a NatGeo documentary on him trimming his nails.  

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4.  Eddie Redmayne is our new Taylor Swift in terms of delivering the "Oh my God, you like me?" face.  

5.  Just a reminder that Daenerys Targaryen looks like this in real life and occasionally goes by the name "Emilia Clarke."  And she slays the fashion game.  Wait, I can do a better opening: Here we have The Mother of Dragons slaying the red carpet.  OOOOH DANG.  I'm a fan of this dress, but my fav part is the look on her face.  I've been trying to master this raised eyebrow look for years, yet all I produce is this reaction that looks like a baby being surprised by a loud noise.

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6.  This girl missed an important opportunity to be in a photo with Meryl, Jen and Julia (we're on first name basis, get over it).  I respect how she's trying to play it cool, as if three boss ass bitches aren't casually taking a picture behind her.  Let me just explain what I would've done in this scenario: 1) Fully turn around, 2) Place arms around Meryl and Julia, 3) Kiss the top of Jen's head, and 4) Be escorted out of the event and questioned by the authorities as to how I was even allowed to enter the event per the pending restraining orders already in place.  Missed opportunity, girl!

7.  While Jared Leto continued to woo me with his luxurious locks of manliness, Matthew McConaughey opted for a beard made of bubbles.  You know what I'm talking about.  Remember when you were little, and you'd have a Mr. Bubbles bubble bath, and in the process you'd make yourself a beard out of bubbles?  DON'T LIE, YOU DID THIS TOO.  Right, Matty's looks like a hair version of this.  It's confusing and unruly.  Which, oddly enough, "confusing and unruly" is my personal description on Match.com.  Get in line, fellas!  Also, this is the most I've ever said "bubble bath" in my entire life.

8.  BREAKING NEWS:  EMMA STONE'S DRESS HAD POCKETS.  I'm going to assume she used her pockets to store M&Ms and mini bottles of Jameson, because isn't that what everyone keeps in their pockets?  Also, I loved the sheer element to this.  I bet she got to the after party and just ripped off the bottom portion of this dress while shimmying and yelling "SHEERMY SHEERMY" (as opposed to "shimmy shimmy").  She is so punny.

9.  Let's continue on the topic of Emma Stone.  After "Birdman" won for outstanding cast, Naomi Watts tripped over the train of Emma's dress.  Or, as I've been telling people, Emma tripped her.  Haha, that bitch, she cracks me up.  She made this face and then yelled "ASSHAT" with a British accent.  I can read lips, it's one of my many specialties, so I'm 100% positive that's what she said.

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10.  Lastly, Meryl "woo-ed" for Debbie Reynolds who won the Lifetime Achievement Award.  This is literally my only goal in life -- to have Meryl yell "WOO!" at me.  Well, that and to be a pancake eating champion, but I'm already close to achieving that one.  Actually, I just wish Meryl would follow me around and "WOO!" during everyday things.  Brushed my teeth before bed? WOO!  Got guacamole at Chipotle for free?  WOO!  Bought Girl Scout cookies? WOO!

Who knows what'll happen at the Oscars now.  Til then, I'm off to sculpt my bubble bath beard. #bubblebathbeard2015 SPREAD IT LIKE WILDFIRE!

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Golden Globes?

Since this was Tina and Amy's last year hosting, I figured it'd be the perfect opportunity to revive this baby.  So to the two readers I've maintained, I'M ALIVE! I know you're wondering my thoughts on the 2015 Golden Globes, so here we go!

1.  Seacrest and Rancic continued their competition to see who could be the most painfully awkward yet boring red carpet host. This gif summarizes their award winning work:

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Notes on this:

1.  Only Giuliana can make taking a shot with Clooney look boring and terrible.  

2.  Taylor Schilling is yawning like she's watching the annual Grandma Knitting Competition.

3.  A production assistant is rolling out because she aint about this shit.

4.  Amal is wondering how she went from advising Kofi Annan, to this.

5.  Clooney is wondering how Amal went from advising Kofi Annan, to this. 

2.  This girl won the Red Carpet:

Thanks to that older woman and Felicity Jones for holding the arrow for me. I like how in the photo above, she's trying to have a shimmy dance contest with Agatha (the older woman), but Agatha is not having it. And then, in the photo below, she is irate that Sally (the girl in red) let so many mere mortals get within the vicinity of Felicity. Dammit Sally!

3.  Tina and Amy should deliver a monologue before every event/life experience, ever.  Everything was hilarious and nothing hurt.  J.Law wasn't there this year (because we're currently hanging near the beach) so they chose an equally acceptable target:

4.  Jared Leto continues to be the mountain man version of Zac Efron and I'm not complaining. That braid. That beard. I just want him to take me to buy some velcro sandals, gluten free granola, and fat free water before we kayak on a lake built naturally by vegan monks.

5.  Slits down the middle of dresses were a thing. I'm partially confused by this trend because of the pose it evokes.  You have to constantly poke your leg through the slit to prove to people that you do in fact have legs. Otherwise, everyone would be like "Where's her legs?" And then, how does this situation work when you finally sit down? Is it like some sort of open drapes thing? I suppose this is convenient if the venue is really hot and you just need constant air. Environmentally friendly dress!

6.  Emma Stone wore what J.Lo and all the Middle Slit Wearers wished they were wearing.  If I ever go to an awards shows, I am definitely wearing pants. You can sit comfortably in your chair without wondering if your Lady Mary is going to make an appearance. And you can jump around and do cartwheels and all of that other shit that those slit wearers can't do! I'd also choose to wear pants as this would alleviate the view of inappropriateness when Zac Efron/Jared Leto carries me out of the show later that evening.

7.  For the first third of the show, I kept yelling, "WHY IS NO ONE DRINKING?" Which, oddly enough, is what I yell at most events (weddings, poetry readings, funerals, etc.). But then, Chrissy Teigen delivered, yet again. I'm open to marrying both her and John Legend. They have yet to return my calls and messages in bottles.

8.  Joanne Froggatt represented for us Downto(w)n folks. Her first nomination! She was one of the few of the night who I was yelling at the TV to win, and actually won (apparently I didn't yell loud enough for Reese Witherspoon). Also, she looked absolutely gorg. And being that she is teeny tiny, I have this immense urge to pick her up. Do shorter people get sick of this? Getting picked up? I just want to pick her up and be like "Whoooooosh" as I whoosh her around like a plane. Is that rude? No, it's loving.

9.  Boyhood won. How terrible would it have been to film a movie over 12 years only to have it win a Kristi's Choice Award? Albeit, KCA winners do receive a trophy made of Skittles and those recalled Lululemon leggings (I got them on bulk discount), so don't knock the legitimacy of the award. Bottom line here: You should see Boyhood. It's worth it just to see the drastic hairdo changes. 

10.  Lastly, while no one will reach the mastery level of Feyler, I think we've found our 2016 hosts:

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Cheers to extremely random, yet awkward blogging in 2015!