What Did We Learn from the 2015 Oscars?

1.  Anna Kendrick elicits an involuntary reaction. Mainly, I grab my head and yell "YAAAAAAS." When she appeared on the red carpet, I wasn't even looking at the TV. In fact, I was staring contently at a burrito, because, date night you know. Anyway, then I hear them announce Anna Kendrick, and I immediately lost my shit. And for someone to steal my attention away from an amazing burrito, that's saying something. Also, she obviously slayed the fashion game with this gown and the minimal jewelry.

2.  Rosamund Pike, Reese Witherspoon and Emma Stone also nailed it. Didn't Rosamund Pike have a baby like 30 minutes ago? That Amazing Amy is something (oh big surprise that I went for the easy reference there). And has Reese ever worn anything terrible? Even when she wore bright pink dresses to the "Legally Blonde" premieres, it was like "Oh, she's just being Reese." Lastly, Emma is almost on the head-grabbing level of Anna Kendrick. As a note, I was rooting for any of these ladies to win and obviously they didn't because The Academy continues to ignore the Power Point presentations I send them.

3.  ScarJo came dressed as Miley. Did someone send her a joke invite that said it was a costume party? That ScarJo is so silly. She's probably too busy homewrecking and eating cigarettes to keep her voice scratchy to take the time to read an actual invite. Okay, so the homewrecking allegation is unfounded, I just assume she is exactly like her character in "He's Just Not That Into You," SUE ME. The eating cigarettes thing is totally true though. I saw her do it once and not even on a dare.

4.  Gaga finished the dishes then decided to amaze us with a tribute to "The Sound of Music." I think people forget that she has such an amazing voice, which is hard to believe since she really showed her vocal range in such power ballads as "Poker Face" and "Alejandro." Broadway classics for sure. I'm not going to linger on the red gloves debacle except to say, don't you think her hands were sweaty? I bet she took them off and her hands were all soggy. In the gif below, she's not even doing that hand motion in honor of Julia Andrews. She's doing it to air those hands out. 

5.  Eddie Redmayne reached expert level in being our Taylor Swift. First, I'll say something nice. I enjoyed that suit. The whole navy suit deal is superb. In fact, Ansel Elgort (who was sitting behind Eddie Swift) was wearing essentially the same suit. Sadly, I only looked at the suit for 2 seconds before once again zoning in on his confusingly chapped lips. Are they chapped? Aren't they? You know who he should become friends with -- LL Cool J. He's always licking his lips. He understands the struggle of perpetual chappedness. 

6.  John Travolta is frightening. Was he abducted by aliens at some point? Or like, did he participate in some sort of brain swap program with a lamp? To see if lamps could in fact take on human brain function.  Also, do you think if I pull just one of his hairs out, the whole deal will just poof into a bunch of tiny doll hairs? And we can't forget that chain. Do you think he put it on and his wife was like "OMG, you look so handsome!" Because I know I too think that jewelry similar in appearance to door chains is soooo luxurious. In both of these photos, I know he's only touching these women as a way of testing to see if he can suck the youth out of them. 

7.  Matthew McConaughey looked like the creepy guy who is always hanging out at your local gas station. You know, the guy who smells like a mixture of must, coffee, cigarettes and general dirtiness. And I'm not insinuating that he got some sort of pubes hair transplant for that beard, but if you want to spread that rumor, it's cool. #bubblebathbeard has evolved.

8.  I want Meryl and J.Lo to follow me around and be my life cheerleaders. Having Meryl clap for you is worth more than the entire economy of some countries. If I ever win any major award, I plan to spend the entire 8 seconds I get before being played off to thank Meryl, in hopes of being blessed with the #MerylPoint.

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9.  Speaking of moments that made me clap and point and yell YAAAS:

10.  Apparently filming a movie for 12 years doesn't always guarantee you an award. I'm not specifically referring to anyone here or anything. But I guess that documentary of me eating tofu every day for 12 years isn't going to do as well as I thought. #Soyhood

11.  Felicity Jones should've won an award for Best Bangs because seriously, do you understand how hard bangs are. On the spectrum of things, they're probably around the same level of difficulty as open heart surgery.  Also, to be quite honest, Eddie Chapped Lips should've shared his award with her because her performance in "The Theory of Everything" was amazing. And actually, her bangs were amazing in that too. WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO TO GET AN AWARD FOR BANGS?

12.  Emma Stone. Lego Oscar. That is all. (And kudos to her mom, who is Julie Andrews' twin)

13.  Patricia Arquette copied my post-drunken-night-I'm-now-hungover-give-me-toast bird nest hairdo. People don't understand the skill that goes into this look. I'm also taking his opportunity to point out that Meryl was nominated in this category and didn't win. You all know what happens when Meryl is nominated and doesn't win right? I'll give you hint -- JNCO Jeans are now making a comeback. When you upset the Meryl, she punishes you with a plague of terrible fashion.

14. I'm obviously ending this post with the most beautiful couple at the event: Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. Or, as I call them, Mrs. and Mr. Teig. She was gorg at the event, then changed into a dress with cutouts for the after party and ate In-n-Out. Please look at the amazed look on the men's faces in the background. Because seeing someone in Hollywood eat the food at an event is like Jessica Chastain getting a zit. DOESN'T HAPPEN.

Thanks, Oscars! Let's hope Emma Stone and Anna Kendrick are hosting next year. #Stonedrick2016

What Did We Learn from the 2015 Grammy Awards?

First off, I'm currently the epitome of a First World Problem and do not have internet at my apartment, so I'm pilfering Whole Foods free WiFi while eating my purchases of organic, Argentinian grown baby carrots and kale grown by blind monks (thanks to Chloe for this witty inject).

Let me continue to preface this post by stating that I was unable to watch E!s red carpet coverage. And I don't mean "unable" like it physically pained me, but I actually didn't have access to the channel. So apologies for the lack of Seacrest/Rancic commentary, but I imagine much of their coverage went like this:

Seacrest: Is it hard picking out an outfit?

Every celebrity: No, I'm a human. With a brain. Shoo fly.

To the biznazz:

1.  Women (continued to) own the suit. Rihanna. Anna Kendrick. Charli XCX. Danielle Haim. Let's just note that RiRi's was oversized and she still looked better than me at my high school prom. And Anna Kendrick is giving off the vibe I try to emit when on job interviews, but apparently when I don't wear a shirt under my jacket it's deemed "inappropriate." DOUBLE STANDARD. Though I suppose Anna could wear a potato sack and Chanel would come out with a line of Kendrick Potato Sacks the next day.

2.  Sia won the hair game. First, I am such a fan of this whole "don't show your face thing" and "it's all about the music," because to be honest, Sia is a badass bitch who wrote "Diamonds" in 45 minutes. Do you think she stored snacks under there? Maybe a bag or two of Peanut M&Ms. It should be noted, she looks like what I look like immediately after blow drying my hair. I’m not exaggerating. Just big and fluffy, bangs all over the place. I know, I know, Kristi, how do you not have a boyfriend? Maybe I’m not putting enough cat pictures on my dating profile.

3.  Kristen Wiig is captivating. I kidd you not, when she appeared on stage, I literally jumped onto my bed and put my chin on my hands like I was expecting a bed time story from Mary Poppins. She and Maddie executed the ONE dance move I wish to do on public television – rip off clothes to reveal a nude bodysuit. Though, to be fair, my nude bodysuit would be bejeweled like Britney because that’s the only way to go about it. 

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4.  Beck became a Google sensation. First off, no one beats Beyonce in her house. NO ONE. Except maybe Sam Smith. And I’m not completely biased because I saw Beck live last summer. It was the most amazing nap I’ve ever experienced. Let's be honest, a category with Beyonce, who blew our minds with that surprise album, and Sam Smith whose voice can cure world hunger? It’s like the yellow Starburst winning Best Starburst Flavor. UNBELIEVABLE. This was a moment when I was in complete agreement with Kimmy, "Who?"

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5.  Beyonce winning elicits an involuntary response. Mostly “YAAAAAAAS YONCE YAAAAAAS.” It absolutely surprises the shit out of me, yet I am completely fine with it. I’ve never seen my body react so involuntarily with the exception of Chipotle. YAAAAS CHIPO-PO YAAAAAAS. I decided to include this photo mostly for the woman on the right. She is me at the Grammys. Gets to sit next to Queen Bey. Finally gets in a picture with her. Blinks. DAMMIT.

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6.  Everyone has a moment in their lives when they realize they love Chrissy Teigen. This is a feeling that needs to be embraced. Fully. Completely. Don’t you just want to attend an awards show with her, drink all of Gwyneth Paltrow’s champagne, take shots of vodka in the limo, then eat In-n-Out with her while talking shit about Kim K at 1 am? It’s important to have goals, kids.

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7.  Ryan Tedder’s wig specialist needs to be fired. Seriously. What was going on. It seems he got the window seat on his flight and fell asleep against it. One side all disheveled. This photo really doesn't give you the full impact. You had to watch to see it in action. Literally, to see his hair in action.

8.  Hozier looks like Justin Bobby. Nothing more to add here. Except, don't even pretend like you didn't watch The Hills.

9.  Gwen Stefani continues her reign as flawless human being. Her duet with Adam Levine would've been way better though without Adam Levine. What was he thinking standing next to such an ageless sensation? The only explanation I can surmise is that she is Asian at heart. You know, how Asian women don't age. That is, until they hit 60 and then it's like BAM loss of 2 ft in height and an instant back hump. I await the day that Gwen Stefani poofs into an old Asian woman.

10.  Sam Smith is everything. If I ever break my leg, just play his album for me, and I believe my leg bones will mend. A duet with Mary J. Blige?! I don't even have any witty commentary for this because their voices make me weep like I'm rubbing onions in my eyes.

Cheers, kids! Meeting Chrissy Teigen at Waffle House.