Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 5)

Every week I've been thinking "Omg, these episodes are only two hours long, I wish I could dedicate more of my life to this quality television experience." Lo and behold, this week the ABC gods were kind enough to gift us with two, two-hour episodes. Because we need more time to decide which bin to throw most of these garbage guys in.

Anyway, I'll let Beyonce set the mood for this week's post:

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Lucifer finally called Lee home 

In an unpredictable turn of events and not just so ABC could make super dramatic promos, Rachel chose Lee and Kenny for the 2-on-1 date. Racist ass Lee used 110% of his alone time with Rachel to talk about Kenny and how "aggressive" he was and basically how Lee was Winnie the Pooh and Kenny was a bear hunter. Have you ever watched a man blatantly lie? It's hilarious how dumb they always look. Many times, you can literally hear the creaky man wheels spinning, just trying to keep up with the lie. Obviously Rachel had zero time for Lee's creaky wheels. She talked with Kenny after, who told the real side of the story, and anyway she sent Lee back to Hades. 

And all we've learned from this is that ABC kept an openly racist guy around for ratings. And also that he looks like baby Sean Spicer.

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And the exit blessings continued

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Tickle Monster's creep ass crawled back into the bushes outside of your window. And we also said goodbye to Anthony, Josiah, Alex, Kenny and Will.

I kind of forgot about Anthony after Rachel's horse date with him, to be honest, so. Josiah's cocky ass said Rachel had "poor judgment" for letting him go, but I'm pretty sure he was secretly happy to leave so he could get home and date himself (Josiah tells me that it is in Josiah's opinion that Josiah is a catch). Things honestly went downhill for Alex from week one in direct correlation with the growth of his man bun, so no shocker seeing him go. And while I think it's absolutely adorable how much Kenny loves his daughter, I believe I saw him cry more than Claire Danes in one episode of Homeland, which is quite the feat. He had the most mature exit though, agreeing that it wouldn't be right for him to bring Rachel home to meet his daughter during hometown dates if she couldn't guarantee they'd end up together.

And Will. He had the honor of being Rachel's most boring date ever. Perhaps most boring in the history of The Bachelorette. I had more chemistry with a breakfast bagel this morning than Will had with Rachel. And the thing is, despite the fact that he wears bootcut jeans, he's really good looking and nice. But dear God, I've seen turtles carry on a better conversation than him. And not even the Teenage Mutant Ninja kind. The regular kind. 

Also, Iggy's whack ass finally left us to return to his day job:

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Oh and after Rachel's one-on-one date with Jack, where they shucked and ate giant boogers, she sent him home. I'm assuming her decision was based purely on the fact that he looks like this:

So, how are Adam and Thinning Hair Man still around?

Y'all, Rachel sent home 9 guys over the course of 2 episodes. NINE. Yet somehow, these two random ass dudes remained. I could not even find any screencaps of them from the episodes because I think even ABC's producers forgot they were around. If they were to quietly excuse themselves from the show, would anyone even notice? Adam is like that guy you see at your high school graduation and have no idea who he is and he's like "I've sat next to you in every class since kindergarten." 

And Matt. You know how I feel about him. It's interesting how his facial hair and brows seem to be so full and dark, yet God ran out of ink when it came to the hair on his head because that dome is more barren than the wealthy women on The Handmaid's Tale. I don't know if Rachel is keeping both of them around out of the charity in her heart or if the show requires her to maintain men who look like they could work at Staples. It's confusing.

Okay, Eric is cute

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For their one-on-one date, Rachel took Eric on a boat around Copenhagen before they ended up in this square with a bunch of public hot tubs because I guess that's a thing in Denmark. Just giant ass buckets of boiling water for people to sit naked in if they want (at one point some random dude helicoptered for the cameras which was ever so adorable). Then they went to an amusement park before sitting down to a BOMB ASS DINNER OF BURGERS AND FRIES THAT NEITHER OF THEM ATE. Eric opened up and told Rachel about his strained relationship with his mom and how he's never been in a serious relationship. Which, I'm not sure why this is an issue, the fact that he's never been in a serious relationship. Like, I've never swam in a pool of $100 bills but I feel I would enjoy it. Take risks, ya know.

Peter of the week goes to: Peter

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For one of the group dates, Rachel had the guys participate in some Viking games and please look how ridiculous all of them look in these Lord of the Rings Forever21 knock-offs. Except for our little Prince Peter looking like Robin Hood. I know you think this is where I'll make some sort of disgusting joke like "I'd like him to rob my hood" and you know what, you're right. Even Rachel gets it. And anyway this continues to be my reaction to Peter every time he breathes:

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How does no one on this show get mono?

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I am in no way against kissing. Seriously. Ask my mom who told me in elementary school that I could not just chase boys on the playground and kiss them because of "germs." But like, there is so much spit swapping on this show. So much. How does no one have swollen glands yet? I feel like one cold could just take out this entire show.

And so anyway, that's how I spent four hours of my week. We're down to 6 guys though! There's light at the end of the tunnel! See you next week when I'm 100% positive we as a team will send home Adam and Matt.

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Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 4)

The beginning of this week's episode was absolutely infuriating for two reasons. While I want to dive right into those reasons, I don't want this post's thumbnail to be of Lee, so I'm gonna let Kenny segue us into the discussion:

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Reason 1 (and Ursula of the week)
THIS PIECE OF FLAMING T-REX POO

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Lee is an ignorant, racist piece of garbage who the producers are clearly keeping around for shock value. Which is upsetting in itself due to the fact that he is that scum that's hard to scrub from under your toilet bowl. This week, he directed his Billy-Bob-Thornton-in-Slingblade-accent at Kenny, trying to essentially sabotage his every move with Rachel. On top of that, he gave Rachel some bullshit piece of wood he whittled that said "enchanting," which honestly looked like something a serial killer would etch out and leave on your doorstep. Judges rule: Lee is an insane racist idiot. But, in a tiny moment when I wasn't imagining myself punting Lee off a bridge, I realized who he draws his hair inspiration from:

I swear his hair gets poofier and higher each episode. Almost as if his evil fuels his hair height. And you know who else always has big hair? EVERY VILLAIN EVER. Ursula. Maleficent. Donald Trump. The list goes on.

Reason 2
SWAMP MONSTER LEE GOT THE FINAL ROSE

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Again, I know this is because the producers made Rachel do it. Just when she thinks she has overcome this season's dumbassery by getting rid of Whaboom, the producers make her keep this ignoramus. Meaning cute little Diggy and his bowtie and glasses had to go home. AND she kept disgusting ass Tickle Monster and Thinning Hair Man! The ceremony was more confusing than that period of time in my life that I thought Miracle Whip and Hellmann's Mayo were the same thing.

Let's discuss brighter things for a sec so I don't throw my laptop out the window.

Prince Eric of the week: Dean, duh

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First off, can everyone stop with the age difference BS. He's 25. She's 31. Lest we forget old ass crypt keeper men date the Olsen twins all the time. Stop with the double standard. Anyway, Rachel took him on an interesting date this time (as opposed to last week's bogus horse date) up on a blimp where they both got to "fly" it. Which, "flying" seems to just be gently moving around a joystick. A joystick to a giant balloon. Who even knows if that joystick was attached to anything. It's probably some old Playstation controller and the blimp pilot was like "Sure, go ahead and steer this baby!"

Then they made out at some point because that is what you do when on a blimp, and they had the cliche dinner date (which again, NO ONE EATS DURING). But Dean talked about his mom and how he lost her to breast cancer when he was 15. He cried, then Rachel cried, then I cried, so to summarize, everyone cried. And he talked about how his dad wasn't around much after that and how that only inspired him to want to be a good dad one day. DEAR GOD, TUG AT MY COLD, TIN HEART STRINGS.

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One final note on Dean, his Instagram handle is @deanie_babies which I find to be hilariously cute. And he has a bunch of pics with dogs which is a crucial component to considering any life partner.

Prince Eric of the week, runner-up: Peter

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Rachel thought it'd be a good idea to have the guys participate in a spelling bee during their group date because everything about all of them screams "We are good spellers." Our sweet Peter is a prime example, as he perceived "coitus" to be spelled "quicui." Quicui? Wtf is that, a Pokemon? Luckily, what he lacks in literary abilities, he makes up for by actually making me look like this every time he speaks through those sexy ass gap teeth:

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Reminder: Snitches get stitches

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I can't think of one thing we've actually learned about Iggy because all he does is talk shit about the other guys during his one-on-one time with Rachel. He tries to be sincere by starting each conversation with "I care so much about you and feel protective of you" and blah blah blah before diving into some deep gossip session. There are times when I can't remember if this is a reality show or if I've time traveled back into middle school to gossip about Brian asking Kelly to the movies this weekend. What's even more bizarre is that Iggy talks shit, then runs to the guy he's just talked shit about and says "Hey man, I just talked shit about you" as if that redeems him from the shituation. 

When Rachel finally sends him home (fingers crossed for next week), my one wish is for him to be played off with this:

Most important reminder: Rachel is smarter than all of the guys

Can all the guys stop thinking they know what is best for Rachel more than, oh I don't know, Rachel? She's a grown ass, intelligent woman with a bachelor's degree from UT Austin and a law degree from Marquette. I actually feel bad for her during several of her interactions with these idiots (looking at you Tickle Monster Jonathan) and I constantly wonder how she doesn't respond in this way:

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See you next week for (audible gasp) TWO episodes. Will we even survive the drama? Will I travel back in time to when this was filmed to judo chop Lee in the throat? Stay tuned to find out!

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Much Ado about the 2017 Much Music Video Awards

Because I am a woman of the world (and also because there was a free, easily accessible livestream), I decided to watch the iHeartRadio Much Music Video Awards, which are basically Canada's VMAs. I thought this would be an interesting trip into new territory where I'm not just yelling about Chrissy Teigen and Beyonce.

I didn't watch the red carpet because truth be told, I was watching "The Handmaid's Tale." There's nothing I enjoy more than watching depressing, post-apocalyptic shows before watching a bunch of celebs parade around.

Additionally, I did not attend this year because I am banned from entering Canada until 2090 due to a misunderstanding involving me and Drake and some Canadian geese and poutine. But, this is how I imagine I would've shown up looking like:

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Shay Mitchell's acting is kind of like trying to eat soup with a slotted spoon. Terrible, unfulfilling and confusing. BUT, she is gorgina and shows up to events looking like this with flawless ass brows and to be honest, we are all the girl on the far right of this pic.

How I established this show was worthwhile:

If Tatiana Maslany showed up to an awards show honoring goldfish, I'd live tweet it then write a long in-depth piece about the social issues goldfish face. She remains so underappreciated for her work on "Orphan Black" because (I yell about this every few months) SHE PLAYS EVERY MAJOR CHARACTER. In case you've never seen, here's a quick summary of each week's episode: Tatiana Maslany is in danger so she calls Tatiana Maslany to help her. Elsewhere, Tatiana Maslany is dealing with family issues when she discovers her long-lost sister, Tatiana Maslany. RECAP: SHE IS AMAZING. Anyway, she showed up wearing some retirement home loungewear because bad bitches do what they want.

Now playing; Black Swan, Part II

Okay, first off, y'all know I like Camila Cabello. This girl can sing and she recently did something so brave that I admire her so much for -- got bangs. But this performance scared the shit out of me. The dancers all looked like creepy, ghost ballet robots. If there's one thing I hate more than ghosts, it's ghost ballet robots (they're so light on their feet, you can't hear them coming!). And they all had this weird lion face make-up that was seemingly applied at a kid's birthday party. As I've mentioned before, I like "Crying in the Club" (the song not the act) and could imagine blasting it from my 2004 Honda Prelude in high school (the ultimate sign of a banger). But, I have to establish a line somewhere and that line is ghost ballets.

Speaking of things that creep me out:

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Not all of DNCE, just the guy on the left. Look, I'm sure Lenny is a great guy (I don't know his actual name, but he looks like a Lenny). But that hair in combination with that face in combination with the way he moves and breathes makes him seem like a lost character from the backwoods of the first season of True Detective. I feel like he's someone who whispers a lot and I fucking hate whispering because it's both inefficient and also leaves your ear feeling damp. Ain't nobody got time for damp ears.

Quick note since we're discussing DNCE. I will never understand any sexual attraction to Joe Jonas. And you all know I love my pretty boys (winking at you Zac Efron). My dislike for him stems from one thing: He has really big thighs. Like thunder thighs. I don't mean this in a body shaming way. I mean that I have thunder thighs and only one of us in the relationship can have Popeye's Chicken Thighs and that's me. So, my subconscious being the good friend it is, went ahead and made him as unappealing to me as fat free mayonnaise.

How old is Niall Horan again?

I'm feeling very conflicted because I understand he's a little One Direction boy, but that red hair poof and those cutesy blue eyes. He is Irish as hell and my last name tells me that I am too so I guess I have this biological desire to marry him and move to a whiskey farm and grow crops of Lucky Charms. I told you, I'm very well-read on other cultures. (Also, I looked it up and he's 23, so you can't add this to the list of things that make me creepy)

Can we talk more about Julia Michaels

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Okay, so first off she's like 24 and has already written songs for Bieber, Selena Gomez, John Legend, Britney and Fifth Harmony. So any annoying song that has gotten stuck in your head, she likely wrote it. She only released her own song "Issues" last year and her voice is crazier than that time Michael Jordan thought he could play baseball. If T.Swift is a batch of vanilla cupcakes (which, she is) than Julia is a batch of fresh brownies with walnuts and flecks of gold and whipped cream and fireworks and a G5 jet bursting out of them. Take some time to listen to "Issues" and "Uh Huh' while you're at it.

Break me off Apa-iece of that

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If you haven't watched Riverdale yet, it's likely because I am their primary PR manager and I just haven't reached you yet. The cast is beautiful only made ridiculous by the fact that they are in "high school." And there's drama and milkshakes and pregnancies and basically everything you've ever seen in a CW show. For the most part, I hate KJ Apa's character (Archie) because there is LITERALLY a murderer in the town and people dying and all he cares about is his Troy Bolton dilemma of "Should I pursue my music or keep playing sports?" But, let's not be irrational. His face (read: body) is great to look at. And he's Australian! I've never really put much thought into it on a Monday, but I wouldn't mind moving to Sydney to live on a ranch and raise kangaroos and eat shrimp on the barbie (again, I am so cultured) because look at this face!

Baseball couture is in!

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I don't know where Iggy Azalea has been for the past few years, but anyway, she's popped back into our lives dressed as a yellow baseball. How hard do you think it is for her to go to the bathroom? Like do they have to untie all of the side stitching or does she just have a catheter and pee bag attached to her leg? These are the fashion mysteries we the people want the answers to!

Lorde of the Rings
The week leading into the show cemented my love for Lorde when she revealed that she has been running an Instagram account to rate onion rings. And everyone knows that adding an onion ring connoisseur to my girl gang has been top priority the entire year.

Anyway, she closed out the show and appeared on stage in some TLC "Don't Go Chasin' Waterfalls" silk pajamas, which we all know is my preferred Casual Friday wear:

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Then she got sassy and took off the pajama top and a teen choir appeared onstage and I'm sure there was a metaphor or bigger artistic picture here, but the only picture I remembered was this:

Every single one of you can relate to this moment because it's what you look like when you're dancing in front of a full-length mirror to Beyonce's "7/11" or "Formation" or "Sorry" or literally any Beyonce song. If you haven't danced while making a face like you've just smelled Bigfoot's diaper nearby, you haven't really danced. Loved the performance and her new album "Melodrama" is pretty great, so grab some onion rings and give it a listen.

Thanks for the memories, Canada! Me and this guy will see you in 2090!

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Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 3)

Terribly sorry for the delay on this, but I've been on a two-day bender celebrating Rachel eliminating Whaboom and Blake in the same episode. I haven't felt that much joy since that last time I was at a party and they brought out pigs-in-a-blanket.

Since we're on the topic of Blake and Whaboom, aka Blaboom, might as well segue into the worst of the week first.

Ursulas of the week 

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Demario and his stuttering self popped back into our lives like a nagging zit that won't go away. All the guys gathered in front of the house like they were watching a middle school fight as he tried to apologize to Rachel for lying more than a carpet. She wasn't having it and sent him away which was once again, pretty hilarious. And we're all better off because Demario seems like one of those guys whose email signature includes some annoying ass quote like "Shoot for the moon, even if you fail, you'll land among the stars" and we do not have time for that.

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BYE BYE BLABOOM. Shoutout to Blake for his kookoo for Cocoa Puffs breakdown that included him doing his own rendition of Whaboom, which dear God we do not need more of. I haven't seen an obsession like Blake's with Whaboom since me when Twilight first came out. Or me with mac 'n' cheese. Or me with mac 'n' cheese while watching Twilight. I'm sure if you piece together all of Blake's confessionals, 98% are about Whaboom. The best story to come from their torrid romance was Whaboom telling Rachel that he woke up one night to find Blake standing over him while licking a banana (which doesn't sound sexually creepy at all). When Rachel told Blake this, he responded with "Well, that's clearly a lie because number one, I don't eat carbs." THIS MAN JUST ADMITTED THAT HE DOESN'T EAT CARBS. If that just doesn't unbutter my bread because here's how I feel about carbs:

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I have never felt more offended nor personally attacked. And not that we didn't already know, but this moment confirmed Blake is in fact a flaming pile of (carb-free) shit. Luckily, Rachel, being the rational human woman she is, pooper scooped both him and Whaboom out of our lives.

Bouffant, aka Lee, continues to plague us with his racist ass existence (see here). Now, I get that this show was filmed months ago so it's not like we can send him off in the next episode. But like, do they do any sort of vetting on these garbage guys? I feel like Twitter is a pretty easy place to start. Like, Oh! This guy has said a lot of racist and sexist stuff on a public site, maybe we shouldn't have him on the show? And he has little man syndrome? And he's hiding a flock of seagulls in that hair? So many warning signs.

Anytime his condescending ass appeared, I wanted to judo chop his throat while kicking him in the shin. I'm going to predict (and pray) he goes home next week.


Prince Erics of the week

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I'm not one to objectify a man's body, haha jk we all know I brazenly whistle at every man in tiny shorts, but Anthony is one of those guys who could be wearing a thick Canada Goose jacket and you'd still be able to see his muscles. He was too entirely cute during the whack ass date Rachel took him on. How the hell is riding a horse down Rodeo Drive "the most LA date"? WTF?

As a subject matter expert, the "most LA" date you can have is this:

1. Get In-n-Out
2. Go to Blockheads for shaved ice cream for dessert
3. Go back to In-n-Out for post-dessert, dessert milkshakes
4. Drive around Santa Monica aimlessly trying to find Britney Spears' house
5. Go back to In-n-Out for fries to fuel the stalking
6. Walk around Runyon Canyon looking for Hilary Duff
7. Stand outside Zac Efron's house blasting Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" 
8. End the date with night burgers from In-n-Out

Anyway, they ended their night with a romantic dinner with a view and the biggest question of the evening was DO THEY EVER EVEN EAT THE FOOD ON THESE DATES? The answer to that is no, which leads me to my next question: WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS FOOD? DOES THE CREW GET TO EAT IT? If I happen to be passing by, can I just be like:

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Continuing on this path of objectifying men. All of the abs in this photo are winners of the week (except for Lee's because fuck that dude).

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OH HOW CLICHE OF ME TO LIKE SEEING CHISELED MEN WRESTLE IN MUD. Listen, brains and personality and values are extremely important. But you know what else is? Being able to scrub a pan with your boyfriends steel wool muscles. Also, are all of these men photoshopped? It's like they all went to Thor's ab store and ordered the same thing and I'm not complaining.

So, do we trust Eric?

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I have several reservations about Eric. First, he says he's a personal trainer but his tiny bird legs tell me otherwise. Second, he literally admitted on camera that he was questioning Rachel's intentions on the show and how "genuine" she was being. Like, the proof of him saying it was right there, printed and huge like a longass CVS receipt. Iggy was annoying about how he approached it and I'm not even addressing Lee's bitchass because talking about him is infuriating. But, the bottomline was that Eric and his insecure self questioned Rachel's intentions because she hadn't voiced she "liked" him. And he didn't want to "put himself out there" if he knew they wouldn't end up together. Uh, did he not understand the premise of the show before he signed up? Like, it's called The Bachelorette. Not the "I invite one guy on a show and we go on dates and get married show" (though that's pretty catchy).

Anyway, during the group date, he opens up to Rachel about his feelings and blah blah she thanks him for his candor and gives him the group date rose. Later, she doubts herself because several of the guys bring up what he said regarding her intentions. He responds with this look:

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If you've ever had a boyfriend, you recognize this look. The one where a guy looks like he's trying to multiply 10285293 by 23057238. To be honest, most of my doubts regarding Eric stem from this look because when has a guy ever looked at you like that, then been 100% honest? I don't know, I get most of my relationship advice from Dawson's Creek, so it's likely I'm not in the know. We'll see where he lands next week.

Who needs to go next (besides Lee)

I honestly forgot about Matt the entire episode until I remembered that hair desert atop his head. Why do balding men insist on gelling the last 5 hairs they have? If anything, it makes the survivor hairs stand out, making the bits of their scalp that are poking out even more prominent. Anyway, I don't mean for this to sound like I want him to go because he's balding (read: I want him to go because he's balding).

Fucking tickle monster continues to haunt my dreams. I'm getting increasingly uncomfortable each week and Rachel deserves an Oscar for tolerating his creepy ass. Ellen said it best during the group on her show: "Tickle guy does not dance well."

Who else forgot about Iggy (including Rachel, who didn't ask him on either group date)? Aside from him interjecting himself into a drama with Eric, I could not for the life of me even remember him. He's like that random canned good you have in your pantry that you forgot about but then come across after a few months and wonder "Who bought this?" and also "Why would I need cream of chicken soup?"


Final note: Are they all wearing mics in their mouths because when she kisses any of the guys it is so loud and smacky. Like we can hear every spit string.

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Til next week, let us revel in Blaboom's exit!