What did we learn from the 2017 American Music Awards?

It's our last Red Carpet of the year! For a "major" awards show anyway, and I use quotation marks heavily here because as far as I know, the AMA's haven't been major since Beyonce last attended in 2008.

I'm going to skip over the two hours I spent having my brain turned into mashed potatoes by E!'s Red Carpet because you already know my thoughts. To summarize: Giuliana wasn't there but she has managed to siphon her idiotic interviewing skills into every person who works at the network.

Best dressed:

I absolutely love Kehlani and I'll give you a moment to Spotify and memorize all of her music. I actually don't see her on red carpets that often, so this was a pleasant surprise. I'm 100% in with this outfit. It's like she was lounging at home in a black bathing suit, then her stylist showed up and was like "Girl, the AMAs are in an hour" and she was like "Cool, I'm just gonna cover up with this lacey curtain." It has every element I love in a dress: 1) Shimmery 2) Lacey 3) See through. Also, her makeup and hair were onpoint and I bet at the end of the night, she simply removed the curtain and got into bed. Easy fashion!

Haliee Steinfeld is keeping my favorite trend going -- the suit + bra combo. Digging the pointy-Disney-villain shoulders on this jacket and I'm even onboard with the slicked back hair look. The best part of the jacket is that later at the afterparty when they bring out chicken fingers and fries, she can button the jacket up to hide the fact that she's eaten 5 lbs. of chicken. Plus, she can use the grease on her fingers from said chicken to keep her hair in place. Multifunctional fashion is my favorite.

Worst dressed:

I don't know if this is Florida or Georgia from Florida Georgia Line, but I am not feeling his "I'm a flasher" look. I'm sorry this image is huge but I needed you to get the full effect. And honestly, guys have it so easy when it comes to dressing up. Here's how to conquer the red carpet as a man: 1) Comb your hair 2) Wear a nice, tailored suit 3) Brush your teeth 4) Bring M&Ms to share 5) Don't come dressed as a creep in a trench coat. IT'S THAT SIMPLE.

I'm not mentioning anymore fashion because one person showed up and topped everything:

BLONDE SELENA DID NOT COME TO PLAY 

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I am actually screaming just reliving this look. Y'ALL. If you're wondering what a "revenge look" is, this is it. The blonde hair. The hoops. The leather jacket dress. Is this look a ventilator because I AM LIVING FOR IT. I was still feeling sad about her breakup with The Weeknd, but this look shut down everything because in short, Selena wins. Does anyone know where I can acquire this dress because I plan to make it my main look during my rebel, Rihanna-bad-girl phase. I think I'll also use it during my first divorce hearing. Also, can y'all bury me in this. Great, thanks.

While on the topic of Selenita, she performed her new song "Wolves" (her only televised performance of the year) and it was...interesting.

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The theme seemed to be Civil War swamp ghosts and dear God those dresses were some of the creepiest shit I've seen in a while. They are the exact dress that ALL ghosts wear. And Selena had fake wounds and blood and I had no idea what was going on. I'm 65% sure she was lip-synching probably because she knew those dollhouse ghosts would continually scare the air out of her. Anyway, it was weird AF and I felt frightened for most of it, and thus I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT.

Kelly Clarkson: Still got it
Kelly's voice is absolutely insane and I cannot believe that the runner-up in her American Idol season was mother fracking Justin Guarini. Meaning the American public chose between Kelly Clarkson and her amazing ass voice and Justin Guarini. I will never understand. She performed "Everybody Hurts" with Pink and then on her own later.

During her solo performance, she sang "Miss Independent" and 16-year-old me could not stop screaming. Don't play like you didn't blast that song in your used Honda while pretending that some dumb boy had wronged you. And her dancers were dressed like Carmen Sandiego while she looked like a regal, golden bird and this entire aesthetic was supreme.

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Unsurprising section where I make you uncomfortable about my love for Shawn Mendes

E! did me an actual favor and asked Shawn if he brought a date and if he's seeing anyone to which he replied "I didn't bring anyone and I'm not seeing anyone." He went on to say that the one thing he's looking for in a significant other is "a sense of humor." And look, as women we should never strive to be something just because a man deems it mandatory, but anyway be on the lookout for my Netflix special titled "Kristi has a sense of humor and is single and will completely change herself in any way to date Shawn Mendes." Also here is actual footage of me upon hearing he didn't bring a date:

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My little poutine performed "There's Nothing Holding Me Back" and even though his hair is getting long and kind of poofy and he can't rent a car without being charged an extra fee, I still love him. All of my creepiness aside, you have to admit he has a pretty spectacular voice. And he won the award for best adult contemporary artist, key word here: ADULT. 

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BREAKING NEWS: I like K-Pop

So I first learned about BTS during this year's Billboard Music Awards and I thought they were adorable. There's 7 of them and their name stands for a Korean expression that quite literally translates into "Bulletproof Boy Scouts." They are MAAAAAAAJOR in South Korea and have a pretty legit global presence on social media and this year Time named them one of the top 25 influential people on the internet. 

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Anyway, they performed their single "DNA," lip-synched into Britney mics and danced and I would've thought it was cheesy had I not been so busy screaming. And I don't even speak Korean but I guess this is how I'll finally learn.

Okay Pink, we get it

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Pink recently did Carpool Karaoke and she told James Corden that she thinks it's easier to sing while suspended upside down. I don't know how this woman does it. I can barely eat a bowl of pasta without getting winded and here she is hanging off the side of a Marriott hotel, flipping and shit, while singing live. The last time I tried to do something of this multitasking level I was driving and tried to reach for some macaroons in my passenger seat. Long story short, it ended with me jumping a curb and popping a hole in my tire. We can't all be Pink I guess.

I need hoop earrings

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This new era of Demi Lovato is amazing. That tan. The long, straight black hair. That IDGAF attitude. AND THOSE HOOPS. I cannot stop thinking about the hoops. I went through a hoop phase in middle school because Teen People told me they were cool and while I haven't worn them since, I think it's time for a resurgence.

She performed "Sorry Not Sorry," which coincidentally enough is what I say to my friends after I eat their fries while they're in the bathroom. We can all agree it's a banger and has the lyrics "Now payback is a bad bitch and baby I'm the baddest, you fuckin' with a savage" which I plan to somehow incorporate into my wedding vows to let my husband know what's up. 

Lastly, I can't screech enough about Demi's eye makeup and PERFECT BROWS. ACTUAL PERFECTION.

Do presenters get to request how they're introduced?

Before Kat Graham came out, they introduced her as "actress, singer, activist" and honestly like 15 other things and it made me wonder, do you just get to request anything? Like could you be introduced as "Actress, Non-practicing model, 2nd grade sit-up record holder, and Chrissy Teigen enthusiast"? Asking for a friend.

ABC needs to stop with shots of random audience members

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Okay this isn't a random audience member, it's actually Julia Michaels, but I couldn't find any gifs of random audience members because THE INTERNET DOES NOT CARE AND NEITHER DO I. None of us care what Janice looks like dancing to Nick Jonas, okay. NONE OF US.

Christina looks...different

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And by "different" I mean DAMN THOSE LIP FILLERS. I was excited to see her perform a tribute to Whitney and "The Bodyguard" because XTina's voice is crazy. But to be completely honest, all I did was stare at those pillows around her mouth. How many tubes of gloss did she have to use? It just seems like so much work. And okay I'm about to say something that may be unpopular...I thought there was something off about her performance. She hit some amazing notes and she 100% still has it, but I don't know. It's like when you get a sandwich but forget to order cheese on it and while you're eating it, you're like "this just isn't right." Christina was missing that cheese factor.

Just a reminder that Ashlee Simpson is Diana Ross' daughter-in-law

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Diana Ross won the Lifetime Achievement Award and closed out the show and I don't need to yell to you about how iconic she is. She brought her entire family, which includes Ashlee "Pieces of Me" Simpson, who is married to Diana's son Evan. Evan, by the way, is smoking hot and I look forward to being his next wife and marrying into the Ross family.

As a reminder, Diana Ross has won countless awards, has been inducted into Hall of Fames and received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from our old pal Barry Obama in 2016. And meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson said insightful things like this:

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And where was Chrissy, might you ask?

Her and John sat courtside for the Lakers v. Nuggets game wherein she put mustard on a hot dog and played Super Mario Odyssey on her Nintendo Switch. She continues to be an inspiration in my life.

And that's it! Another awards show season in the books and another year that I was unable to figure out how to reach through the TV and slap Giuliana. There's always next year! Til then, I'll be posting random posts here and there on pop culture topics that demand my snark expertise. And you can always creep on me here.

See you soon!

The K-Mac Stack - 11/16/2017

Between awards shows and forcing my way into any event that has the slightest possibility of a Z-list celebrity appearance, I have various other thoughts and commentary on the daily deluge of pop culture news. I thought it'd be best to empty these thoughts somewhere because to be honest, my brain is running out of room and I should really create space for information that is actually useful.

So here we go, the inaugural edition of The K-Mac Stack! Just a stack of random ass commentary.

I apparently have no idea what "sexy" means

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Did all the other men die? Did Idris Elba, Morris Chestnut and all of the Chris's (Hemsworth, Pine, Evans) turn down the offer to be People's Sexiest Man Alive? I'm generally confused by this. And look, don't get me wrong, I watch "The Voice" and find Blake really likable. I understand his appeal and find him charming, but you guys. Come on. The title is "sexiest" man alive. Not "nicest guy you'd ask to come chop down a tree in your yard then thank with a glass of lemonade."

For posterity's sake, here are things sexier than Blake Shelton:

• Ryan Reynolds in his Deadpool costume
• Every professional soccer player
• Carson Daly in 1999
• Christoph Waltz
• The buffalo voiced by Idris Elba in "Zootopia"
• A freshly made grilled cheese sandwich

I reached out to Gwen for comment, to which she replied:

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Excuse me while I cry about Selena Gomez and The Weeknd
Per my iTunes play count of "Come and Get It," I am a Selena Gomez fan. My instincts just tell me she's fun and would be down to do something wild like eat french fries. And I have been writing "Mrs. Weeknd" on my Trapper Keeper for years, so when they got together I was there with streamers and confetti.

As a note, when I went to The Weeknd's concert in Brooklyn, Selena was there too, but she did not get my text and therefore did not invite me to the VIP section (reception in there is terrible, you know how it goes). Anyway, look how cute they were at the Met Gala this year!

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A little birdie (read: intensive Googling) told me they were renting an apartment together in my neighborhood. I never got actual proof of this because every time I got in the vicinity, the police kept saying things like "ma'am that restraining order is still in effect" and "ma'am please get down from that tree."

Anyway all of this is moot. They broke up a few weeks ago because Selenita decided she was tired of being with a gorgeous, talented man whose voice is the soundtrack to heaven, and would rather be with a boy who looks like he fell into a vat of tattoo paint. And to round out this high school drama, The Weeknd was seen at French Montana's birthday party with Bieber's ex! Gasp! Who do we vote for Prom King and Queen now? I cry.

She doesn't dance now, rather, she makes money moves

Our girl Cardi B graced the cover of New York Magazine! To those of you I've yelled about Cardi to, put on those noise canceling headphones, because here comes some more. The first solo female rapper to have a Billboard #1 since Lauryn Hill in 1998! First woman to chart her first 3 singles on Billboard's Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs list! Was a stripper! Met Beyonce!

Anyway read the story, it has some real gems. Including advising that you should not be a thirsty hoe, you should be a classy hoe.

My husband has decided to save True Detective
I don't know if any of you watched season 2 of "True Detective," but if you didn't let me save you the time: don't. If season 1 was Meryl Streep, season 2 was Tara Reid. And not even American Pie Tara Reid, I'm talking hot mess Tara Reid falling out of an Escalade. Thankfully, my long distance husband Mahershala Ali is here to save the franchise. They haven't started filming and there is no release date yet, but it's apparently about some crime that happens in the Ozarks, the mystery of which isn't even the question "Where are the Ozarks?"

Which speaking of, there's already a show on Netflix starring Jason Bateman called "Ozark." Is there really a demand for TWO shows specifically based in the Ozarks? Based on a summary of that show and just the word "ozark," this is what I assume that region includes: 1) mountains 2) raccoons 3) crime 4) cold weather 5) raccoons committing mountain crimes in the cold weather.

I guess we'll find out when Mahershala teaches us all. I've already made room on our mantle for his Golden Globe.

I need to address two things from the 2017 MTV Europe Music Awards
1) My little Canadian maple leaf Shawn Mendes won all the major awards and showed up in this cute little suit and again this is a reminder that he is 19 and all of this is completely legal. However, I recently found out that he's "rumored" to be dating Hailey Baldwin, a rumor of which I will only believe and accept if I see them at the altar in the middle of their vows. Until then, I will continue to wear this "I heart Shawn Mendes" tank under all my clothes.

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2) Camila Cabello absolutely had the best performance of the night and if you aren't listening to "Havana" on repeat, you are not living your best life.

I need to address one thing from the Country Music Awards
Despite "y'all" being the most frequently used word in my vocabulary and the fact that I lived near Nashville for two years, I am not a huge country music fan. And it's not because I think all country songs are about trucks, beer, "where'd she go," dogs, and rolling down windows. It's also because country music is more white than Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Uggs buying packaged peeled oranges and organic air from Whole Foods.

But, I caveat this by saying I absolutely love Maren Morris. Her voice is insane and she's gorgeous and I've seen her live and she wore a long hoodie and no pants and sang Beyonce at some point and anyway I'm a fan.

At the CMAs, she performed with Niall Horan, which by the way, quick question for the masses, do I think Niall is attractive? My heart can't decide, but he's Irish and I'm Irish and Selena Gomez once told me that the heart wants what it wants. He's doing this whole singer/songwriter thing and to be honest I love this collaboration.

Question of the week: Why isn't Dua Lipa bigger in the U.S.?
Her voice is kind of like a cross between Amy Winehouse, Sia, and Jessie Ware and she looks like an actual supermodel and half of her Instagram story is her getting drunk, so what I'm saying is I mailed her a friendship bracelet ages ago. Before "Havana" took over my life, I listened to "New Rules" on repeat, the video of which I need for you to watch and just embrace the diverse girl power. And flamingos!

She opened for Bruno Mars on about half of his U.S. tour dates and I seriously considered going until I found out tickets on the literal ceiling of the arena were more expensive than a diamond-encrusted jet. My point here is you should listen to her album and donate to my GoFundMe so I can see her one day.

I'm feeling so much lighter now that I've tossed all of these deep thoughts into the universe. Created just enough room for commentary from the American Music Awards this Sunday. See you then!