Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 2)

Prefacing this post with the fact that this entire episode was one giant Awkwardchella Fest that I was majorly overcharged for.

This week's recap is brought to you by this dramatic capture of my two faves: Mike (who is upset) and Peter (who is sleeping).

How to get to know these men: See them half-naked
It's our first group date! And normally I hate these initial ones where I can't tell the guys apart from Cheerios, but this one includes Alyssa Edwards, Alaska, and Miss J!

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Alyssa and Alaska are from RuPaul's Drag Race, which if you haven't watched, stop watching this season of The Bachelorette and watch that instead (and get your recaps from me, k thanks).

Anyway, these 3 are here to judge our Cheerios in a "Mr. Right" pageant that is purely an excuse for Hannah to see all of the men in Speedos. No hate here, I appreciate her game.

The two things I enjoyed about the pageant:

1) Mike

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Again noting that I have a portfolio he can invest in (OH PLEASE YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING, DON'T ACT SURPRISED)

2) NASHVILLE SINGER JED REVEALING HIS HOT BOD????

I feel like I'm in one of those teen movies where you find out the quiet, artsy guy is actually an Abercrombie model underneath all that angst and emotion.

The thing I did not enjoy:

Luke is likely our crazy pill this season. For the talent portion of the pageant, he uses his time to TELL HANNAH HE'S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER.

The issue with this is:
1) That is not a talent
2) THEY MET YESTERDAY

I felt so unbelievably uncomfortable during this entire thing, mostly because he didn't blink. It was like he was trying to brainwash her using only his eyes. Luke is 100% one self-help book away from starting one of those religious sex cults, I know it.

Anyway, because Hannah is into stalkers, she chooses crazy eyes Luke as the pageant winner, which means literally nothing except he gets to wear a sash and plastic crown from the craft store.

Later during the evening portion of this shit show, Luke reaffirms his feelings to Hannah, telling her that HE STARTED DEVELOPING FEELINGS FOR HER BEFORE HE EVEN MET HER. YOU GUYS. We have a word for that where I come from (Earth) — CREEPY OBSESSIVE BOY. A COB if you will. The thing is, the only reason Hannah accepts his COB tendencies is that she salivates when she is within a 50 ft radius of him. It's weird. And I generally hate the word "boner" but Hannah has a MAJOR lady boner for Luke and it constantly shows.

Hannah's Luke-lusting aside, she actually seems to be forming a legit connection with Jed, but more importantly, I am forming a deeper connection with Jed.

He ends up getting the group date rose, which he says is "the best feeling in the world" so I guess he's never experienced the pure joy of getting a seed out of your teeth.

The first one-on-one
Tom Welling lookalike Tyler G. gets the first one-on-one date, which begins with an approx 3-minute helicopter ride from I assume one end of the property to the other.

They then take a Mandy Moore-Shane West Walk to Remember to some random grassy/muddy area because if Hannah is wearing all white, they must be doing the most messy activity possible.

They go four-wheeling to remind us that Hannah is from the country and therefore totally cool with getting dirty. Noting that the muddy puddles were absolutely created by some poor production assistants in what is probably the backyard of the mansion.

Afterwards, they sit on a throne of items from Pier 1's clearance section in clothes that have literally been painted with mud. Look at that precise line down her arm! Unless mud in California is just very deliberate in where it lands, I don't know.

And look at how white Hannah's Converse still are! I hate this show.

Later they eat dinner atop the Roosevelt Hotel, a place I only associate with being in the second Charlie's Angels movie. Tyler keeps trying to have these deep, what is life, conversations when all we really care about is that juicy piece of salmon in the bottom corner of the screen:

I can't decide what I'm more interested in, making out with Tyler's face or demolishing that salmon. HOW DOES A GIRL DECIDE? Anyway, a rose is of course given out. To Tyler, not the salmon.

Group date #2
The leftovers get to experience roller derby for the second group date. Hannah greets them wearing what might be the least functional piece of athletic wear: leather spandex (which I think is an oxymoron):

I left tiny Steve Harvey in there as a reminder to watch this episode of Celebrity Family Feud, thanks for asking.

We learn that none of these men have skated before (which, wtf), so they all proceed to look like drunk baby deer on ice skates.

I haven't seen that many butts on the ground since the aftermath of a Lana Del Rey concert (smokers love Lana).

After exhibiting the worst show of athleticism in the history of skating, the men are forced to compete against each other. Naturally. They're split into two teams and eventually one team wins, but in all actuality we all lose.

Later during the evening portion of the date, everyone lusts after these magnificent coot boards, BUT NO ONE IS BRAVE ENOUGH TO EAT ANY OF IT:

At this point, I have to wonder: Are these even real foods? I feel they might just be props that are used every season because I have yet to see anyone delight in these meat papers and cheeses.

While the men are pretending to be uninterested in coot, Hannah is uninterested in forming full sentences. Lucky for us, Cam shows up to "surprise" Hannah because he wasn't chosen for any of the dates this week, and thinks this is his way of being "bold."

So he walks in and I'll let Hannah and Devin's faces speak for all of us:

Now, if we've learned anything from Hannah fangirling over Luke, it's that she likes kookoo birds. So she thanks Cam for coming to see her and they kiss and she keeps the bodega flowers he brought her.

After Cam walks out, a few of the guys decide they need to confront him about barging in on their group date, uninvited.

Tyler C. is up first and I can't even remember what he says because this guy ALWAYS sounds like he's drunkenly slurring his words.

Also I couldn't focus on their conversation because these two vanilla puddin' cups are wearing the same shirt. BOGO deal at Brooks Brothers!

Then Garrett (I think?) comes out for his extra camera time and dear God, how hot do you think he is? Temperature wise, not looks wise. The man is wearing 3 layers.

And we wrap up this whole confrontational charade with Kevin, who I am literally seeing for the first time so I guess it's good he came out for his camera time.

Look at this poor guy. He can't even think of something useful to say, just knows he needs to be in a shot. Also, he later complains about not getting a chance to talk to Hannah, but um, he wasted however many minutes confronting Cam, so??? I HATE THIS SHOW.

Ultimately, Hannah gives the second group date rose to Nose Ring (Dustin) and I could not stop laughing at the artistry of this shot of Eeyore Kevin in the middle of their hug:

WHAT DID THE NUGGETS EVER DO TO YOU
Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, all of the guys are scrambling like carp for food pellets trying to boost their confidence about getting a rose.

Cam, who thinks that being "bold" means being an asshole douchebag, continues erupting with interruptions, this time jumping into Kevin's time with Hannah (LOL KEVIN AGAIN). Kevin had surprised Hannah with chicken nuggets (BEST SURPRISE EVER) and I'm not even sure what went down here because all I could do was drool over the nuggets. I LOVE CHICKEN NUGGETS.

And Cam is an idiot yes, but he is showing the TEXTBOOK way to enjoy a good McDonald's nugget: eyes closed, smiling, relishing in the moment.

Later, Kevin who has had it with Cam, retaliates by throwing nuggets at him, which is upsetting because WHY WOULD YOU WASTE PERFECTLY GOOD NUGGETS? Also nuggets don't weigh anything, so throwing them achieves nothing??

It also says a lot about Cam that he didn't catch the nuggets with his mouth. Amateur.

While nuggets are being thrown, horn dog Hannah is getting a "massage" from COB Luke:

She decides this just won't do because she wants to be touching his body'ody, so she instructs him to take off his shirt so she can give him a massage. This obviously leads to some heavy kissing, which Nashville Jed walks in on. Hannah reacts as such and we learn that her lipstick has made its way to her nose:

She then goes out to chat with Jed, who skyrockets to the top of my guy list by making light of the entire situation. He makes a joke about how there are "40 other guys here" fighting for her attention and it's a smooth way to move past the weird Dawson's Creek love triangle moment they just had.

In the end, Hannah sends home bad brows guy (I literally do not remember his name), Daron AND ASIAN CUTIE BC THIS SHOW IS RACIST (I told you I'd scream that).

None of these men know what "bold" means
Hannah, who keeps reiterating she wants the guys to be open and honest and "bold," clearly doesn't understand that these men have no idea what bold means and have only ever seen it used in Microsoft Word. Former college ho and Jesus loving Luke decides that "bold" means interrupting Hannah's post-Rose Ceremony interview time to have her sit on his lap like he's Santa:

Which, tbh, he's about as creepy as a mall Santa, so I guess since the persona fits, she sits.

And that's it! It's really going to be a fight between Cam and Luke for this season's kookaburra status. And heads up, I won't be posting next week and will be late the week after, because distance makes the heart grow fonder. Til then, find me assuring Chrissy Teigen's bodyguard "NO, I KNOW HER" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Let's chat about The Bachelorette (Week 1)

I know it seems like Colton's wackass season of The Bachelor JUST ended, but that's only because it did and the best way to move on is with a new season of The Bachelorette!

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Watching this show is like getting the chicken pox repeatedly. You're shocked that it's here again, sort of itchy and in need of a soothing bath. THE BEST! 

The episode begins with Chris Harrison calling Alabama Hannah to let her know she's the next Bachelorette and that's fine except WHO THE HELL HOLDS THEIR PHONE SIDEWAYS TO FACETIME???

This is literally the reason Chris Harrison is single.

We then get to see a standard Bachelorette montage of Hannah just having the most typical day:

1) She starts her day with high school senior portraits at this wooden bridge in Alabama:

2) Then it's time for flirty afternoon skipping along the beach in Southern California (oh we're in a different state, okay):

3) And then a late afternoon hike through Runyon Canon (FYI: I saw the lady who plays Rose's mom in Titanic here once, random and not at all Zac Efron who I was looking for):

4) Then omg this day has been exhausting! Time for some joke telling with this comforter and a nap:

5) And she concludes the day by sitting in a parking lot while a fan blows her hair:

I mean, I don't know about you, but this is practically a play-by-play of my daily life too. Now let's dust off that robe and get to judging these men!

Brows very far from fleek

There was apparently some sort of Groupon deal for Jersey Shore-inspired brows that all of these guys took advantage of. As a self-appointed brow expert (I can show you certificate I printed at home), brows should never look like this. And if you encounter men trying to pull these off, you are obligated to stare at these waxed monstrosities with an open mouth.

How many pairs of Sperrys do you think he owns

Peter is the guy in every cliche teen rom-com who lives next door to the main character and is secretly in love with her but hides his love by being a loyal best friend. On a similar note, one of my special skills is judging whether or not a guy is a cheater and let me tell you, Peter the Pilot is not a cheater. Like, I bet he orders whatever his girlfriend's second favorite milkshake flavor is just so she can have part of hers and part of his. THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY PETER IS.

Also, I feel his closet must be full of Sperrys, mid-thigh khaki shorts and gingham button-downs.

And normally, whole milk isn't my drink of choice, but I'm willing to take a risk with my lactose intolerance on Peter. And Hannah is too — she gives him our little Pacey Witter a rose.

My overall favorite guy

LOOK AT THIS SMILE. Mike is from Texas, was in the Air Force and is too good looking (even with those finely manicured brows). He's a portfolio manager and let's just say I have a portfolio he can manage (WHAT? I SAID "LET'S JUST SAY").

Hannah of course gives him a rose.

How do we feel about Christian Crossfitter
So Luke lets us know that he hoe'd around in college until Jesus spoke to him in the shower — wait, did someone say shower?

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An episode of this series wouldn't be complete without a shower scene! Except Luke actually uses soap unlike Colton. That's the influence of the Lord, I'll tell ya.

Anyway, I think he's sweet? Can someone confirm. He's first to steal Hannah away to chat and later comforts her after she confronts Ew Guy (see below) and ends up getting the first impression rose.

And he's also about 30 seconds away from telling her he's in love with her after just one night. Seriously. If previews for the season are any indication, he is undoubtedly going to have some rage issues when he realizes that there are like 20 other guys here vying for her attention. WHY ARE THEY ALWAYS SURPRISED BY THE PREMISE OF THIS ENTIRE SERIES.

Ew

I could not remember this trash bag's name, so I literally saved this screenshot as "Ew guy." Katie and Demi (who were on Colton's season with Hannah) provide Hannah with some creep support during the night, which I actually like the idea of. Demi informs Hannah that Ew Guy still has a girlfriend at home and he spoke to her RIGHT BEFORE coming on the show.

Now, Hannah has already REPEATEDLY voiced that her worst fear is "someone not being here for the right reasons," which seems a little misinformed because like, what about clowns. Or being hit by a train. Or falling down an elevator shaft. Fears aside, she calls him out to confront him and this is how it goes:

Hannah: So you have a girlfriend
Scott (that's his name): Omg no, okay wait, like I dated a girl but like not officially, but like sort of, okay yes we're dating but like I'm not going to marry her if you marry me first
Hannah: Okay you have a girlfriend
Scott: OKAY WELL YOU WERE LITERALLY JUST DATING COLTON SO

And with that, she escorts him out. Bye Ew Guy!

Speaking of ew

I have never had such a visceral reaction to something like I did to John Paul Jones. First off, he insists on going by all three names, which history will tell us is only acceptable for Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT 4 LYFE). Secondly, his profession is.....John Paul Jones.

This man undoubtedly shoots finger guns at himself in the mirror, flexes at the gym after doing one bicep curl and mansplains what a menstrual cycle REALLY is to women. I JUST KNOW THIS IS WHO HE IS OKAY.

In a shocking turn of events, despite only saying "You can call me John Paul Jones" to Hannah during the entire course of the night, he still gets a rose. I hate this show.

What the hell is this

Well if I wasn't already completely turned on by Grant's employment status and sloppy suit, he shows up smacking sausage as a joke alluding to the "sausage party" inside the mansion. Y'all know I LOVE sausage but even I found this disgusting. In a shocking turn of events, he does not get a rose.

I support Asian Pacific American Heritage Month

Look at this half-Asian cutie! He shows up to the Mansion and as you would expect from the only Asian contestant, speaks to Hannah in....French. Why not. I actually do think he's pretty cute but I'm positive he'll go home by episode 4 at which point I'll claim racism.

During their alone time, he surprises Hannah with a "Bachelorette party" complete with giant balloons spelling out her name WHICH I FUCKING LOVE. YOU GUYS. Giant letter balloons are just something that I find incredibly entertaining. What can I say, I'm a complex gal.

They then play this game where they have to shake all the balls out of a box, which, I'm not even going to make an inapprop joke here involving balls and a box, so you're welcome.

Every NYC finance bro, summarized:

Finance manager Joey has the standard issue haircut that all finance bros are reborn with — complete with a part harder than the words he knows how to spell. He looks like he would try to take you to a nightclub for your first date, brag about his Italian loafers, then try to take you back to the apartment he shares with 10 other bros in the Financial District. SWOON.

I don't even remember if he got a rose, to be honest.

These babies are not missing their shot

During one of the Bad Brow Guys' profile piece in the beginning, we meet his nieces and all of these babies ARE WEARING LEATHER JEGGINGS. I didn't even know they made leather pants for babies because babies don't go to Bon Jovi concerts that often. Also babies wear diapers, which are already hot (temperature wise not fashion wise) so why would you add another heat trapping layer? The poop implications are baffling.

"I have to go with what my heart tells me to do"

Ahead of the first Rose Ceremony, Hannah apologizes for not getting a chance to talk to all of the guys. Which is crazy because how is she going to make decisions when she hasn't made strong connections with every other guy telling her "I was SO excited when you were named Bachelorette."

Luckily, she can trust her heart and by "heart" she means her eyes because she clearly chooses the guys she thinks are hottest. Do you girl.

JUSTICE FOR MATT DONALD

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Matt is featured in those profiles in the beginning of the episode and we learn he lives on a farm and both of his parents are deaf. They're all huge fans of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, so anyway I was positive this setup meant Matt was going to go pretty far. Also because he is so sweet! And one of those hot guys who doesn't know he's hot. The perfect mix.

Anyway, Hannah ends up sending him home, but I am 400% positive he will turn up on Bachelor in Paradise.

And that's it! Y'all know I hate these initial episodes when we're sorting through the shitty pieces of candy in this assorted chocolate box. I'll attempt to remember names better when we get down to the final 5, maybe.

See you all next week! Til then, find me sliding into Matt Donald's DMs and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

What did we learn from the 2019 Billboard Music Awards?

This year's BBMAs were like a cake comprised mostly of fondant — we had to endure a ton of bland, tasteless crap to get to a tiny portion of deliciousness (BTS).

I should've taken the hint during E!'s TWO HOUR Red Carpet that this was the equivalent of a high school dance being held in a cafeteria. Can't you just hear the inner monologues of Olivia Munn, Beanie Feldstein and Kaitlyn Dever collectively screaming "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO US."

And I know I usually talk shit about E! and SURPRISE there is no difference here — Jason Kennedy wore his mashed potatoes and gravy suit because that was the level of personality he brought. I'm not even mentioning his new co-host because: 1) I do not remember her name and 2) Refer to #1.

Best dressed

OBVIOUSLY. Cardi changed like 3 times during the show, but showed up first in this toga-like two piece, giving us Cher vibes. Like that white guy on the left, I continue to be so happy for her and her middle part. Plus, her makeup! And those boobs! Which she recently said she had re-done because her baby "fucked up her body," which is motherly and nurturing and I love her.

No no no no no no no
Taylor Swift opened the show and it was one of the most terrible things I have ever experienced in my entire life, including that time I got food poisoning from some chicken wings.

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Like, my whole family is white and I went to college in the South but this was easily one of the most Caucasian things I have ever seen. From the all-white marching band to the Pepto Bismol-colored outfits (white people love Pepto). Coincidentally enough, this performance made my stomach hurt.

And look, do I think Beyonce owns the marching band concept and Taylor copied her? Not at all. I KNOW that Beyonce owns the concept and Taylor ATTEMPTED to copy her, but this entire thing was a K-Mart mess. If Beyonce and Beychella were filet mignon, this was canned turkey and #Mayochella.

Taylor continues to sing about not being one of the "cool girls," which is ridic because honey, we aren't in middle school anymore. The concept of a "cool girl" is completely different now and mostly measured by, do you have health insurance? Do you have an IRA? Cool! Trying to peddle this popular girl thing is some tired, unseasoned chicken.

A summary of this entire show

Shoutout to Halsey for napping onstage during her performance while wearing an enormous grommet belt because SAME.

Famous men I would not date

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I would date a wide range of men on the looks scale to get into celeb inner circles, but there is one line I will not cross and that line is labeled "Jonas." I have never and will never understand their appeal. I can't fully explain it, but I think most of it has to do with my distaste for their faces in conjunction with their bodies and also their voices. Just that. I have this strong feeling they all have really sweaty hands too?

Famous men I'm actively trying to date

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It's very possible that I blush every time Drake speaks. It's a weird phenomenon but his voice is dolphin smooth. And I love his turtleneck look because everyone knows men who wear turtlenecks read fine, leather-bound books.

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I would gladly participate in a traditional Korean wedding with any of these men. And they're all 21 or older so please calm down with your "HOW OLD ARE THEY" sentiments. And since I'm 100% Korean and each of them is also 100% Korean, simple math tells me that our kids would be 200% Korean and that just sounds like something we cannot pass up.

I only knew about Maluma from that song "Chantaje" he did with Shakira, but I had really never seen him. And um, wow. I know I'm tardy to this hottness party but can I skip ahead in the drinks line because I'm thirsty. His little smile! And more importantly THOSE MAN BROWS. I was extremely saddened he had to endure a performance with Madonna, who continues to scare the shit out of me as I'm positive she's just a really tacky ghost at this point.

A crush that aged well

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During my teen emo phase, and by "emo phase," I mean the few months of 11th grade when I took a break from listening to Ashlee Simpson, I LOVED Panic! At the Disco. This was when "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" came out and I realized I would be okay dating Brendon Urie even though we wore the same sized jeans.

After being the only good thing about Swifty's opening performance, he performed again and all I want to say is shoutout to teen me for picking a dude who remains pretty hot. He's clearly been using whatever cryogenic chamber Paul Rudd also uses because I SEE NO SIGNS OF AGING.

Me after eating a Chipotle bowl + chips:

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Cardi won 6 awards including this one for that song she did with Maroon 5. I was salty (like a Chipotle bowl) that she didn't perform, but luckily her speeches throughout the night proved to be just as entertaining.

This is logistically confusing

Lauren Daigle performed "You Say," which is a great ballad, but I could not concentrate on her singing because this outfit completely baffled me. I thought it was a dress at first, but upon closer inspection it appeared to be a romper pants suit? The parachutey nature of the pants threw me off. How did she go to the bathroom in this? Is there some sort of giant zipper on the back? Is there like a little fabric door she can open? I just have so many concerns.

Here's the thing about Mariah

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I'm going to preface this by saying I love ALL of Mariah's music from the 90s and early 2000s. Like I wanted to breakup with my high school boyfriend to go through a period of angst just so "We Belong Together" would be especially applicable. But these days her voice is, let's just say, not what it used to be. So anytime she is slated to perform live, I get really nervous. Similar to eating Taco Bell before going on rollercoasters, you don't really know what will happen.

Ahead of accepting the Icon Award, she performed a medley of hits and it was....a thing. It wasn't terrible, but also, if you used to be the best at something, wouldn't you want to go out on top? For example, I used to be REALLY good at wearing a size 00, but now, not so good at it. But it was a fun time that I look back on fondly while knowing I shouldn't do it now.

Alas, I guess she can do what she wants because she invented Christmas in 1994.

When you don't have time for Julianne Hough

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I am not even going to attempt to explain the rationale behind having Paula Abdul perform, but it was pretty hilarious to see her whip her fedora at Julianne Hough.

What we all endured this show for

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You gotta give it up to Billboard for booking BTS every year because they know people will tune in JUST for them. So they wisely saved their performance for the last 15 minutes. This was the cake we dug through that dumbass fondant to get to.

They performed "Boy With Luv," which "features" Halsey and it had more energy in the first 3 seconds than the entire show. I use quotation marks because Halsey just joins in on the chorus to add some "AW YEAH YEAH YEAH" bits and such. I'm not even hating because I stan a scammer who can work their way onto a #1 song.

In hindsight, I regret watching the other 2 hours and 45 minutes of this show when I could've just tuned in for this hip thrusting at the end. You live and learn.

And that's it! I know I've said this about other events, but this is one where I truly believe I deserve some sort of medal for enduring THREE HOURS of pointless crap.

See y'all soon! Til then, find me asking the sales associate at Sephora which facial cream will make me look like Gemma Chan and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).