Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 4)

This week's post is brought to you by THE RETURN OF MY ABSOLUTE FAV, TIA!

Making the face we all make in reaction to 98% of the things that happen on this show. She joins the gang for Chris and Krystal's wedding (yes there's a wedding this week, very regular), but because she has dignity and self-respect doesn't join the cast because she went through this shit show last year.

And yes I follow her on all social media and yes I use her discount code for anything she's peddling because I am a sheep, let's move on.

We're four weeks deep in this cesspool!

"It took me four flights and lost luggage to get here"

Tahzjuan is the first addition to the prison experiment this week. She was on Colton's season for about the length of time it takes to sneeze and she didn't go to Stagecoach, so none of these bobos really remember her.

She already knows she wants to use her date card on JPJ and since Tayshia just told him she doesn't care if he goes on other dates, he accepts. They head out to dinner, which JPJ calls his "first Tahzjuan on one" before absolutely dying of laughter:

I haven't seen such self-congratulatory laughter since I asked the guy at the bubble tea place if the Panda Milk Tea had real bits of panda in it (yes, I am hilarious, thank you). JPJ also does the UNTHINKABLE and tries the random dinner food, which I want to point out is USUALLY some juicy looking chicken or grilled fish or creamy ass pasta, but this week it's apparently blood and walnuts mixed with burnt cheese atop a pile of sand:

In a shocking turn of events, this pile of random congealed items almost makes JPJ vomit so we're lucky enough to hear heaving noises into a mic again. They end the night with some dancing before jumping in a nearby river (river??) naked. This series of events convinces Tahz that she and JPJ are now in love and it'll be "smooth sailing in Paradise." Meanwhile, this is JPJ the next day:

He peps up after our second new arrival, Haley, decides to use her date card on him.

Fulfilling our love triangle requirement this week
For their date, JPJ and Haley ride horses across the 50 feet distance from the Paradise house to their blanket date setup. Once there, the producers use a comedically large box to block out Haley's butt which is ridiculous because if they want to shield our eyes from anything it should be Blake's face.

JPJ then applies an entire bottle of sunscreen around Haley's black box, which she finds sexy, but in reality, WTF??? All of that lotion is NEVER gonna get rubbed in. And now her ass is gonna be so slippery! Good luck not sliding off the toilet girl.

They return to Paradise and Winnie the Pooh for a bit:

Meanwhile, Tahz has been having one of the most epic meltdowns in response to JPJ going on a date with someone else. First, after complaining it's so hot she can't even put on eyeliner or think about touching someone else, she sort of passes out:

Luckily, the show has a "doctor" on call who is surely just an extra from one of the 14 medical shows on ABC:

The "doctor" says Tahz is fine and just needs Gatorade, which she argues with saying she wants guacamole instead.

After her health scare, Tahz lounges in the pool and spends time with the best thing on this show:

How everyone avoids eating chips the entire time is beyond me because nothing makes me want chips more than being awake and also being at the beach.

Post-chips, Tahz continues her Summertime Sadness feast with pool pasta:

This was the point that I realized Tahz is exactly who I would be in Paradise: 1) Shows up excited and happy, 2) Complains about the heat, 3) Makes out with a dude, 4) Is unreasonably emotionally enraged that he doesn't want to leave and get married ASAP, 5) Eats her feelings via carbs in the pool.

And the ketchup topper on this corndog is she ends the day by screaming into the ocean:

I was just happy she lived her best life this day because JPJ ends up giving his rose to Haley, sending Tahz home.

Why Tayshia removes herself from the race for JPJ
Tayshia admits Derek caught her eye first, but she never had a chance to chat him up since he and Demi got hot and heavy right off the bat. But now that he's single as a Pringle, she's ready to shoot her shot. She lets him know that she understands he's moving on from Demi, but that she hopes he can at least consider the idea of them. He's hesitant at first, but during a chat later tells her he's ready to break the "friendship barrier" and the only way to do that is by using his lips as a sledgehammer:

Tayshia says he's a better kisser than Colton so she's already upgraded, but when the bar for kissing is literally below ground, it's pretty easy to upgrade. Later, Tayshia and Sydney expand upon Colton's kissing, saying he is the worst kisser they've ever experienced, which only confirms a fact we already knew to be true.

An event to stir fry the drama
Krystal (who faked a high-pitched voice during her entire time on Arie's season of The Bachelor) and Chris (who looks a taller version of Ben Stiller) mark the one-year anniversary of their meeting on Bachelor in Paradise by getting married because we will never be able to get off this stupid carousel.

Chris Harrison officiates and all of the guests are people from the Bachelor franchise because they must make you sign some sort of agreement promising you'll cut out non-Bachelor people from your life and Instagram. The actual wedding doesn't matter, but merely serves as a setting for a couple of dramatic situations to unfold:

Dramatic situation #1 - Clay and Angela
Clay hasn't seen Angela since they broke up a few months ago, so she is OF COURSE a bridesmaid at this "wedding." Nicole repeatedly voices how confident she is about her relationship with Clay, which means she is VERY insecure about her relationship with Clay. And honestly she should be because THIS IS ANGELA:

Like I know face transplants aren't a thing, but if they were I'd probably ask for The Angela. Unrelated, but I'm sort of dying at how Dylan looks like a muppet.

Long story not made short, not everyone gets invited to the wedding "after party" because the producers really need these idiots to zero in on the drama, beginning with Clay and Angela.

Mostly including this focus on Angela because the woman has no pores, it's unreal. Clay tells her he still cares for her a lot and she's like, well why did you dump me. And he babbles on about nothing as Clay does and she calls him out for saying he needed to breakup to focus on himself and be alone, but then joined BIP. I know editing plays a role, but at no point does he mention that he and Nicole are a thing. And while Nicole won't admit it, I'm worried my boyfriend will leave me for Angela and I don't even have a boyfriend. If I'm worried, Nicole sure as hell should be.

Dramatic situation #2 - JPJ and Derek

Going from zero to 60 in record time, JPJ launches a verbal attack on Derek, claiming he is "the frat boy of the Bachelor world" who uses his "fame" (lololol) to hook up with women. JPJ believes he is acting in the best interest of Tayshia by revealing Derek is a monster except, no one really believes his claims. Derek keeps trying to respond to this random outburst, but JPJ keeps yelling over him "I DON'T WANT TO BE ON YOUR PODCAST." While the competition is stiff, this is hands down one of the stupidest fights to happen. Like, all of these dudes (except for Mike) are trash, so seeing trash call trash, trash, is moot.

Speaking of trash...

Things I remain repulsed by

Thumb Head returns the "friendship rose" favor (wtf) to Kristina this week, effectively sending Caitlin home because the producers realized there were far too many brunettes running around.

Blake then spends most of the week AGAIN moping about how, in the aftermath of his Stagecoach douchebaggery, his time here has been so difficult. Cry me a river, shatface.

Things I remain bored by

Dylan and Hannah spend this week napping. And every time we see them napping, Hannah is quite literally facing away from him while he clings to her like a dryer sheet. Their whole deal is such a snoozefest.

As the Caelynn turns
Caelynn begins the week in her fantasy world where she thinks a mustached man who doesn't bathe regularly and lives in a van could be a great serious boyfriend. After giving her his rose, Dean shocks us all with a bout of rational thinking — he tells Caelynn they are so different and even though he cares for her, there is still no way he's ready for a relationship at the end of this, so to make it easier for her to move on he's going to leave. And he does.

I should point out that this is all happens on Caelynn's birthday. Before the Rose Ceremony, Dean surprises her with a cake and has the group sing "Happy Birthday," making him as thoughtful as a waiter at Applebee's.

Based on this, Caelynn is SURE Dean is her "forever," so she's legitimately shocked when this man, who has not had a mature relationship in his life and, I cannot stress this enough, LIVES IN A VAN, decides to leave.

The next morning, still grieving, she reacts as any of us would — by dragging out her trifold makeup mirror and putting on her best contouring while surrounded by a mess of baggage (both emotional and literal):

The contouring pays off as things pick up for Caelynn at Chris and Krystal's wedding where she meets vocal fry Connor. After spending the day moping about Dean, four minutes with Connor reminds her that Dean is not the only white brunette guy around. They end up kissing, which may sound fast but you have to remember that Connor has liked many of Caelynn's Instagram posts so the pace of this relationship is normal.

He then of course ends up joining Paradise, which delights Caelynn because she's been "waiting for Connor since Day 1" (sure Jan). He asks her on a date, which they show up for after being sprayed down with Pam:

What is it with this show and making everyone slippery? Their date consists of painting a canvas using their bodies and by "painting" I mean rolling around while making out covered in paint:

This escapade ends with them both looking like the Hulk:

And with that, we learn that all it took was having paint in every crevice of her body for Caelynn to get over Dean.

Snacks of the week
I mean literal snacks.

Look at that plate of perfectly cooked fries! And that plate of chicken wings! AND WHO THE HELL LEFT JUST ONE SLICE OF PIZZA??? These people really are monsters.

"If Angela came down those steps, Clay and Nicole would not be together"
[CUE ANGELA]

And that's it! On one hand, I applaud these producers for cramming so many separate dramatic storylines into four hours, on the other hand, I hate everything, and on the other other hand OH MY GOD I HAVE THREE HANDS. Only two more weeks to go! See you next week when Nicole will inevitably claim she doesn't feel threatened by Angela while also reporting to the FBI that she's threatened by Angela. Til then, find me occasionally checking if I can move things with my mind like Matilda and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 3)

This week's post is brought to you by Sydney peacocking for Mike:

I mean, shoot your shot girl. If I was even mildly flexible, I'd be doing splits and backbends for Mike too.

We've made it to week 3!

Nicole's love triangle becomes a line
We get to see this fight between Christian and Jordan play out and it's as stupid as you can imagine. Christian seems to sort of push Jordan away leading Jordan to body slam him before the BIP bodyguards intervene to hold them back as they both call each other bitch.

After the altercation, Chris Harrison shows up in his best finance bro outfit, which can only mean one thing: both of these bozos are going home. And they do. And no one cares.

Nicole proceeds to put on a show of the worst acting I've seen since every minute of "Secret Obsession" (can everyone plz watch this). With less emotion in her voice than a boiled egg, she says she "was so scared" and "did not want that to happen" even though she spent the last two weeks begging the dudes to be "more aggressive." She then tells Clay that when the fighting started, all she wanted was "to see him" and his dumb ass takes the bait. He then tells her that she looks like "the better version of Jennifer Lopez" AND Y'ALL, HAHAHAHA. I haven't cackled that hard since the last time I was cooking up some stuff over my witch cauldron. Let's get one thing straight here: The "better" version of Jennifer Lopez is Jennifer Lopez.

At some point later in the week, Nicole surprises Clay with some wack song she "wrote," that Clay's corny ass finds adorable. What I want to note here is they appear to have about as much chemistry as me and the actual school subject Chemistry. Watching them kiss is like seeing two plant leaves touch each other. It just elicits no reaction because it is that boring.

And y'all I really do try to avoid judging the girls except when necessary, but who told Nicole these frilly skirts were a thing. Because unless you are a literal baby, you shouldn't be wearing them.

"You like gummy worms and I like gummy worms"
Dylan offering the most rational reason for why he and Hannah belong together (tbh it's a pretty good reason). At the Rose Ceremony, Hannah finally circles "yes" on Dylan's "Will you go out with me" note and chooses him over Blake.

This is hilarious because Blake went into the ceremony absolutely POSITIVE Hannah would give him a rose. Seeing his face fall while Chris smirks and Mike laughs internally and externally is priceless:

Later, Dylan and Hannah get a date card and he lets her know he's falling in love with her, which is coconuts because I've spent more time watching a Hot Pocket cook than they've known each other.

She responds by touching her ear to ensure it hasn't fallen off before thanking him for watching the oven as she tasted all of the cookies. Even though she doesn't return his insanely fast feelings yet, he's satisfied knowing that she at least likes him.

It's pretty clear that in this relationship, Dylan is Wile E. Coyote and Hannah is the Road Runner and her ass is def running away at the first sight of a new hot guy.

"Blake is the turd that won't flush"
Demi remains the most quotable this season. Blake's stupid thumb head ends up getting Kristina's rose because she is absolutely one of those people who touches a hot burner, screams OUCH, then touches it again. She tells him that he "deserves" another chance at love when the only thing he actually deserves is to walk on a carpet of Legos for the rest of his life.

What's important to note here is that the person who feels the most sorry for Blake is.....Blake. He cannot believe everyone here has caught onto the fact that he's a monster and won't support him being the puppy that humps everything. He's all Drake sad in his feelings until Caitlin arrives:

She chats with a few guys and quickly realizes Blake is the only one not boo'd up. So she settles for asking him on the date where they do some sort of "yoga" that entails them trying to fart into each other. Very zen.

And dear God Blake is the one man I DID NOT want to see in spandex. Like of all the bodies on this beach, I would like him to be covered with a blanket at all times. After the farting yoga, they move things to the pool for some mandatory kissing:

He clearly has no actual interest in her because to be honest, Blake would make out with a pineapple if you put a bikini top on it. He also spends most of his interview time talking about how everyone should forgive him because he's tired of apologizing. Wow, he's really becoming a better man. Swoon.

JPJ — yay or nay?
While the 6's on this beach ignore the only 10 (Tayshia), JPJ swoops in. From the jump, he admits Tayshia is out of his league and "the hottest girl I have ever talked to." Reciting lines from Romeo & Juliet works, as Tayshia gives him her rose this week and he accepts by saying "yas kween":

He's starting to grow on me and obviously also on Tayshia. A summary of the cute convo they have the next night:

JPJ: All I want to do is hang out in the pool with you and talk all day
Tayshia: Um, well I was here at the pool all day today and we didn't talk
JPJ: Oh yeah, sorry I ate a bunch of tacos then needed to take a nap

That is quite possibly the only excuse I will accept for a guy not hanging out with me. Because when tacos and naps call, you gotta answer!

Anyway, I find them sort of cute (for now) while being extremely aware that Tayshia is WAAAAAAY too good for him.

Why are these so big

It feels pretty dangerous to have these ENORMOUS vases (are these vases?) around these drunken fools, doesn't it? How has one of these ding dongs not knocked one over or jumped into one?

"Oh God she's awful"
Caitlin, who was sent home on one of Colton's first group dates because she has less personality than a white crayon, tries to suss out the Kristina-Blake situation. The conversation begins cordial cherry enough, but quickly goes down the pooper.

Caitlin points out that Kristina is going after Blake for a "friendship" rose, which takes away the opportunity she and Blake might have to form a connection (Reminder: Blake is not interested in Caitlin).

And Kristina's point is, well she has no point and almost immediately dons a helmet and pads on the defensive line while yelling over Caitlin. Their conversation ends as most pointless confrontations do on this show, with them both saying "okay" under their breath as they part ways.

Caitlin vents to Caelynn about the conversation and I think this is her checking her vision because she isn't sure if she's just looking into a mirror:

Don't they kind of look alike? Also are all of the woman issued a scrunchie upon arrival?

Another triangle
The following is an exhaustive list of triangles I'm interested in: Isosceles, Equilateral, Scalene, Bermuda. THAT'S IT. Nonetheless, we get a new love triangle this week with Jen's arrival.

After sorting through this pile of junk male, she finally decides on Chris' old ass. This is interesting timing considering he and Katie just had a chat about their relationship status where Chris clearly voiced his liking for Katie and Katie told him he was free to talk to and date anyone. So when Jen asks him on the date, this is how Katie reacts:

She realizes she must be a screwdriver because she has literally screwed herself. All she had to do was tell Chris she liked him too!

For their date, Jen and Chris head out on a boat that seems to be situated in a wave pool because it's rough as hell. Chris gets seasick and there's nothing that summarizes the feeling of this show more than the sound of vomiting into a mic.

After they return and Chris (hopefully) swishes some Listerine, they chat more and Chris realizes he likes Jen too. He shares this with Katie and lets her know that he's still sorting out the situation but also wishes Katie would've realized how much she liked him before the date.

Katie cannot believe that Chris went out and enjoyed his time with another woman after she told him he could go out and enjoy his time with another woman. And with that, we have a new triangle.

Demi, here to save this trash fire of a show
After being the strongest couple here, Demi finally admits to Derek that she has been thinking A LOT about the woman she was dating back home and missing her more and more. Derek is super understanding and wants her to take as much time as she needs to figure out her feelings and mostly gives her space this week.

And who better to fill that space and help Demi sort out her feelings than Alabama Hannah:

Because if there's one person she needs advice from, it's the woman with horrendous judgment who just seconds ago wasted her season of The Bachelorette on a big headed idiot as opposed to a hot ass model with a real job and genuine feelings for her (I am still upset over that season if you can't tell).

They talk and Hannah tells Demi to follow her heart, but Demi still feels conflicted because she does like Derek.

So, to really help Demi sort out her feelings, the producers bring Kristian (who she was seeing back home) to Paradise:

They talk and Demi says she has such clarity now with Kristian being here and absolutely wants to be with her. She talks through it with Derek and he does something we rarely see on Paradise: listens. And tells her she deserves to feel the way she feels and be happy with who she wants to be happy with. He realizes what she's gone through is much harder than the heartbreak he's feeling.

Derek asks to meet Kristian before Demi introduces her to the group and Demi agrees. They all talk for a bit and this is probably the most genuine and meaningful series of events to happen on this show EVER.

Demi and Kristian then go on a date where Demi tells Kristian she's finally found herself and what her heart wants. And they kiss and hold hands and seriously, this is the most loving and real relationship to ever occur on this show.

But also, they ignore what appears to be a big ass pile of rice with a side of potato? CARB HEAVEN.

I gotta give credit to Kristian who is not from this Bachelor nightmare, yet still knows not to eat the food. My hungry hungry hippo ass would IMMEDIATELY eat that pile of rice and whatever lobster tails or steak was available. While staring directly into the camera.

And that's it! Thank goodness for Demi because aside from her, this season blows more than a hair dryer.

See you next week! Til then, find me Googling the difference between possums and opossums and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).