In a series of events most surprising to me, I made it to Week 2! And I want to kick off this week's commentary by correcting one of my lookalike assessments from Week 1:
It finally hit me that Hayden actually gives strong Ryan Atwood vibes circa season 3 of The O.C.?? They have the same hair swoop! I know you're just as relieved as I am about this realization.
Since there was no Rose Ceremony last week, there's still 800 guys here, so let's jump in!
Honestly, the smartest way to evaluate the men
It's been 24 hours and we haven't seen the men shirtless. To rectify this, Rachel and Gabby plan a pool party for the whole group, but this gets canceled because of bad weather. Don't worry though, the shirtless mandate still stands and they host a "swimsuit pageant" indoors instead. That leads to some unnecessarily memorable moments such as this one with Quincey:
And also this one with "meatball enthusiast" James:
Watching this man pour jarred meat sauce on his body was probably one of the most foul things I've seen in a while. Can't you just smell this screenshot.
After seeing the guys dance around in speedos, a group of them are invited to hang out that evening with Rachel and Gabby. I don't know if this is a prediction of what's to come, but several of the guys basically give Rachel a friendship bracelet, aka hint that they're not romantically interested in her at all. One guy uses his time to tell her that he loves Harry Potter, especially listening to the Audible versions of the books and if that ain't the rallying cry for the friend zone, I don't know what is.
Rachel starts to feel exhausted, bogged down by all these friendship bracelets, until one guy steps up (but little does she know it's for both her and Gabby)....
"There has to come a time when they like the same person, right"
Logan's chapstick gets some major usage as he makes out with both women during the date.
Why either woman likes him is beyond me. During his time with Gabby, she tells him he "exudes" confidence and he tells her "I love that word" and wow the way I could hear former Bachelor and boiled chicken looking man Arie's voice come screaming back into my brain. WHO "LOVES" THE WORD EXUDE???
And I know I said Logan looks like a guy who just realized he's a ghost and is trying to blend in, but I'd like to revise that assessment. He looks like an amalgamation of every douchebag character from every teen drama ever created. Can't you just see him and that beard-he's-trying-to-use-to-create-a-jawline being rude to Joey Potter or Brooke Davis?
Anyway, during their chat before handing out group date roses, Rachel tells Gabby she's really into Logan and they kissed, to which Gabby's reaction is:
This is when we learn Gabby is a good ass friend because even though she's interested in Logan too (again, why tho), she doesn't say anything about her time with him.
Logan ends up getting Rachel's group date rose while David Guetta gets Gabby's.
And now let's get to some solo dates so I can actually remember someone's name.
Rachel's first one-on-one with Jordan V.
During the first episode, drag racer Jordan told Rachel he was only here for her, so it makes sense for her to choose a guy who is clearly interested in her (more on this later).
For the first part of the date, they float around in a zero gravity plane (this is actually pretty cool):
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Later, they have dinner in the Beast's house:
Complete with a rose and everything, but also don't get me started about how Beauty & The Beast is one of the worst Disney movies.
They have a great conversation and seem to have a lot in common, especially since everyone here is deeply passionate about something — Rachel with flying planes, Jordan with drag racing and me with trying to escape this show. Things seem to be leading to Rachel easily giving Jordan a rose, but before she can decide, she needs to consult with Lumière:
When she returns, she tells Jordan that he's perfect for her and exactly the type of guy she asked for coming into this, which is exactly why she's sending him home. Of course, that makes sense. And the worst part is, Jordan doesn't even get to stick around to see a performance from country singers who are here because they support the show not because they are contractually obligated to because of some binding Disney/ABC agreement!
I'm sure that similar to Hilary Duff, they are just huge fans of the show.
Umm, and I guess based on this and also history, Rachel is actually only interested in guys who are not interested in her (see exhibit A: Clayton). Speaking of terrible guys....
Ah, so this is actually our villain
I guess I was wrong about that one Skarsgård looking man being the villain because this week we learn Chris is actually the worst person in the house. During some light conversation with a few of the guys, Chris takes the conversation on a detour into shitty guy town, a detour we knew was coming the moment he referred to Rachel and Gabby as "females."
Chris, who has maybe gotten a grand total of 5 seconds with Rachel and Gabby, says he knows he'll be in the top four but it'll be a dealbreaker for him if "whoever" he's interested in has sex with other guys during Fantasy Suites. Which, thinking he'll make it to Fantasy Suites is a fantasy in itself. And this is obviously problematic for a whole list of reasons, but to summarize, this man's got to go. And not just go home like from the show, I mean, he's got to go to space so he can leave all of the women on planet Earth alone.
As is the case with any villain, we'll get more of Chris later. But let's get to some good news....
Gabby's first one-on-one with Nate
Cutie pie Nate gets the first solo date with Gabby and when he arrives at the Bachelorette(s) house to meet her, Rachel is also just hanging out in their space, which like, why not let Gabby have her own time in the spotlight since this is her date????
But okay, I guess I can give her the benefit of the doubt since she technically lives in the house too.
Jk, I have rescinded that benefit because we then get this sad clip of her staring at Gabby and Nate leaving on their date (which is a helicopter ride, standard first date stuff):
Based on this (sort of depressing) scene and the earlier scenes of Rachel getting friend zoned by several guys, my wild prediction is this is planting a seed for her to leave the season early. Maybe she decides this "journey" hasn't been the best for her? Now THAT would actually be the most dramatic season yet, okay Jesse Palmer.
Back to Gabby because remember this is her date. Gabby and Nate fly around LA in a helicopter until it brings them to this special "surprise":
90% of the time any Bachelor/Bachelorette says they have a "surprise" on the date, it is ALWAYS a hot tub. And this one was insanely placed in like a parking lot, no lie.
Later they have dinner inside Union Station and Nate tells Gabby he's a girl dad with a 6-year-old daughter who made his heart burst open the first time he met her (Y'ALL, THIS MAN IS PERFECT). Gabby tells him about the strong relationship she had with her dad in the absence of her mom and okay listen, Nate is for sure in Gabby's top 3 at least.
He of course gets a rose and if Gabby doesn't marry him, I will.
With all of the dates out of the way, it's time to finally get to our first Rose Ceremony. But first...
Is there some sort of weird bet going on
About who can wear the most cropped pants?? Guy on the right (who knows what his name is) is FOR SURE wearing capris, there's no way he stands up and those pants are even close to his feet. And not to bring you on this scentual journey with me, but I bet every room in that house smells after all these dudes wearing shoes with no socks take their shoes off.
Oh good, a dramatic Rose Ceremony
Right, so ahead of the Rose Ceremony, it's time for Chris to rise to his full villain status.
A few of the guys who heard Chris' disgusting Fantasy Suites spiel approach Rachel to tell her about it and her response is exactly correct:
You can tell she is disgusted, but also wondering "Who is Chris??"
Rachel immediately finds Gabby to tell her and her response is equally as correct:
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But with bonus points because Gabby says "I haven't even had one conversation with Chris, so why is he thinking about Fantasy Suites," you have to cackle.
Now that our game of telephone has gone from the guys to Rachel to Gabby, it only makes sense for it to circle back to the source — Chris.
Pretty sure Chris thinks this is good that he's getting time with both women, but before he can finish saying "nice to meet you," Gabby gets right to the point, asking if he thinks it's appropriate to be talking about Fantasy Suites when they literally just learned his name. Chris, being the shitty guy he is, defends what he said WHILE ALSO calling them females, which wow, never doubt the multi-tasking abilities of a terrible guy.
Ultimately, they ask him to leave, which he does......for 20 seconds.
He walks back in and gathers the guys who told Rachel and Gabby about what he said because he can't believe that after revealing to them that he is the worst, they would go on to tell the two women they're all trying to marry that he is in fact the worst. He barely has one leg on his high horse before Rachel and Gabby discover he's back:
They ask him to leave AGAIN and this time, he actually does. And that concludes Chris' rise and fall as a villain. Since this all happened in the span of one episode, I'm assuming the producers will find someone else to fill the void, maybe get back to the Skarsgård option.
Oh yeah, there's also a Rose Ceremony, guess we can't forget about that.
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It's our first one and we learn that Rachel and Gabby are giving roses to the guys "they both" want to continue to get to know, which um okay sure, but eventually they're getting their own roses right. Otherwise this is a little sisterwives'ish (Or brotherhusbands? What should we call this TLC show).
Six guys are sent home and as predicted last week, that includes #1 hot guy and shipping executive Matt:
Don't worry though, I'm here if he needs any help with his packages (THIS IS MY ONE AND ONLY JOKE LIKE THIS, JUST LET ME HAVE IT).
And that's it! We're down to 21 men. See you next week as we maybe start to learn some of their names. Til then, find me lurking on Twitter and Instagram.
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