We're back at it again with a new Bachelorette(s) season! And Jesse Palmer claims this is "the most shocking" season yet, which is already true because we are all in fact shocked this show has gone on for 85 years.
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Before we jump in, I first want to applaud those of you who suffered through the last Bachelor season featuring this package of old lunch meat.
All I'm saying is his skin tone is the same color as that juice around raw chicken and I bet he smells like boiled hot dogs.
But now it's Gabby and Rachel's turn! To meet a bunch of men who all bought the same navy suit from Men's Wearhouse to wear with loafers and no socks. Here we goooooooo!
But first, I'm just going to say it
Based on the few episodes I watched last season, it was clear Gabby was a star. I don't actually understand why she isn't the lone Bachelorette because she could more than carry a season on her own:
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I get it, her and Rachel were both screwed over by the same Monsters Inc. looking man, but I mean, how is the reward for their suffering getting to again compete with each other for a bunch of men?? Why am I trying to rationalize this show??
Anyway, we kick off the season by meeting Gabby in Colorado just 24 hours before she's set to leave for the show. Girl hasn't even packed yet and she's out here hiking with a full blowout! Iconic behavior!!
Even if you don't regularly watch the Bachelor franchise, I can guarantee you'll find this season entertaining if not just for Gabby's sense of humor. I mean, this is the face she makes while saying "I get to date multiple guys":
Relatable. We love to see it.
Let's talk about some of the men!
Yeah so, this is weird
Logan shows up with two chicks in his hands, telling Rachel and Gabby that he "wanted to practice hanging out with 2 chicks." Phew, is there anything hotter than seeing a man licking his lips while approaching you with two baby chickens pooping in his hands?
Gabby actually yells "I thought those were rats," which I mean, he looks like a guy who would hold rats too.
Logan is one of the few guys who gets to chat with both Gabby and Rachel, who both seem to enjoy their conversations with him. I'm sure we'll get to know his personality more, but for now all I can say is he looks like a man who just found out he's a ghost, so he's trying to make himself appear to be a regular living human being.
That may seem like a very specific assessment, but it just seemed like he was seconds away from asking one of them "Ah yes, so what is one of your favorite alive human being things, I mean, things, to do?"
I think this man is on the wrong show
Jason shows up looking like a slob kabob with his top button unbuttoned and proceeds to tell Gabby and Rachel that he has something in common with Clayton. He's also in love with 3 women — his mom, his sister and his dog. IN LOVE WITH???? IN LOVE WITH??? HE USED THE WORD "IN" LOVE WITH, NOT JUST LOVE. Anyway, I think the show he's actually looking for airs on TLC or Lifetime.
After this, we get a montage of guys making entrances that are somehow connected to bashing Clayton or making references to him because if there's anything these two women want on THEIR season is focusing on their shared shitty piece of ham ex-boyfriend. Men really are stupid y'all, so many have only evolved one step past Wile E. Coyote.
Send this man to jail
Justin B. shows up with no shoes because he wants Gabby and Rachel to know he's "grounded," which is still not a good enough reason to not wear shoes. Actually, there is no reason ever for a man to have his bare feet out. Scientists have concluded that 100% of men have feet that look like the gnarly roots of an old tree and the public just shouldn't be exposed to such heinous things.
What is Grocery Store Joe doing here
Wow, not a top lip in sight.
You know those sites where you upload pictures of yourself and Michael B. Jordan to see what your children would look like? Yeah so Hayden is the product of that if we uploaded pictures of Grocery Store Joe and Joe Alwyn. And that was just about the most memorable thing about him and his Fourth of July looking Brooks Brothers tie.
His bio says he likes baked potatoes, so I already don't trust him. Of all the potato options to choose from, who CHOOSES the baked potato over fries or tater tots or mashed potatoes????
Another man in a navy suit
Tino pulls up in a forklift so he can deliver this super amazing line that I'm sure he practiced for days ahead of this. It seems like he's mostly here for Rachel and during his time with her, he brings her to a set of stairs because he wants to make stairs a "better memory" for her since she's remembered for crying on the stairs during Clayton's stupid season. They end up kissing (meaning he's Rachel's first kiss of the season) and he ends up getting her First Impression Rose.
As a reminder, I leave my screenshots to fate and refuse to subject myself to this show any further than is necessary so I didn't get another shot of Tino. I think I like him though, partially because he looks a little like Paul Mescal (Y'ALL REMEMBER CONNELL'S CHAIN) and mostly because his bio says he READS. That's right. He reads, which is pretty rare for this franchise. Glad the producers are mixing it up and going with some guys who know the difference between your and you're.
Now that we know the recipient of Rachel's first kiss and First Impression Rose, who got Gabby's?
A man who is not in a navy suit!!
Gabby has a nice conversation with Mario, who actually asks her questions about her life (the bar, it is so low). Similar to Rachel, Gabby gives her First Impression Rose to her first kiss of the season, which is Mario. Based on historical precedent, I think it's safe to assume Tino and Mario will be around for a while.
But, let's get to some people who will not be around....
When the Uber accidentally brings you to the Bachelorette instead of the arcade
One minute they're playing Call of Duty and the next they're on The Bachelorette(s). Life came at Joey and Justin fast.
They're here to prove they do things separately, which is why they're here together and why they decide to talk to Rachel and Gabby, together. However, all of their travel and passport paperwork is processed quickly as they both enter Rachel and Gabby's friend zone just 30 seconds after chatting with them. This is the exact moment Gabby realizes she wants to be anywhere but here talking with them:
By the end of the episode, the twins are 2 of the 3 men sent home immediately because neither woman can see a romantic connection forming. And to be fair, I think Justin and Joey are happy that Rachel and Gabby can focus on finding love and they can get back to doing what they actually love doing — clubbing. Seriously. They both have "clubbing" listed as an interest on their bios. There's really nothing thats screams "ready to settle down and get married" more than a man whose hobby is clubbing with his twin brother.
Right and since I mentioned they're 2 of the 3 guys sent home, you're probably wondering who the third is.....
Okay, but he was weirdly cute
Roby is the third guy dumped after the first night and I can't understand why!! He shows up and just spends his time with both women doing magic tricks!! What's not to love!
But seriously, I found him so awkward and adorable and can't you just tell that if he got a haircut he'd look a little like Chace Crawford (xoxo, Gossip Girl). Also the fact that he's a magician makes it very easy for me to make inappropriate jokes, but I won't. I'll just say I can make some of his things disappear (I'M TALKING ABOUT MAGIC TRICKS YOU GUYS, GROSS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER).
I'm waiting to release all of my bad inapprop jokes in 3.....2......1.....
I've got some shipments that need to be managed
We don't know yet if Matt is more interested in Rachel or Gabby, but what we do know is he is the hottest man in the house. I'm going to spare you the list of inappropriate jokes I've thought up involving his job as a shipping executive, but as you can imagine, it involves using the words "box" and "package" and so on, you get it.
Unfortunately, as is the curse that befalls every #1 hot person on this show, he'll likely be sent home within the first few weeks.
When, the guy we'll want to see sent home (but who won't be for a while) is the season's villain. Which, we got no clear indication of who that will be in the first episode, but we did see....
Who seems to be getting the villain edit
The fact that the show gave us this prolonged villain camera angle makes me think Erich will rise to the occasion of being the house douchebag. Also, you can't tell here, but the man has a mullet and can you really trust a man with a mullet? The answer is no.
He's another one of the few men who talks with both Rachel and Gabby and actually makes out with Gabby. He feels pretty confident he'll get one of the First Impression Roses, so after Rachel doesn't give him hers, he seems okay with it since he thinks he'll get Gabby's, which gave me the ick (a phrase I know from Love Island, which I'm also watching, please join me). After he doesn't get either (because he has a mullet and that is a disqualifying factor), he is genuinely shocked because Erich thinks Erich should've gotten at least one of the roses.
As a note, I'm also basing this villain assessment on the fact that he kind of looks like one of the Skarsgård men and those men are always villains, but only time will tell.
And that's it! Rachel and Gabby decide to skip the first Rose Ceremony because, aside from the 3 delegates from the Friend Zone, they need more time to get to know the guys before making any decisions. Which, thank you for asking, this is who I want to get to know more:
See you next week, Aven, Alec and Nate!
And also hopefully see all of you! I'm begging, please don't make me endure this tragedy of a show alone. Til then, find me creeping on Twitter and Instagram.
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