It's Week 3! And everyone is finally realizing that this season was a very bad idea because having two Bachelorettes means all the power is held by the men as they try to "decide" which woman is better for them as if all of them are on their own individual seasons of The Bachelor. I hate it here.
Here's Rachel showing what I look like every week while watching:
Except, I'm def not smiling. I somehow feel that shielding everything but one eye from viewing this monstrosity of a show helps. With that visual in mind, let's jump in!
Wait, why is Hunter back
Zach, who is the 6 ft version of short king Hunter from Katie's waste of a season, gets Rachel's one-on-one date this week. As a reminder, Rachel has sent home 100% of the men she's gone on solo dates with (sorry, drag racing guy from last week whose name I don't remember), so some of the guys are worried, including Kirk, who owns the world's largest pair of brows.
He doesn't always surf the internet, but when he does, he brows.
Academically minded Kirk has the week's biggest scientific breakthrough as he says that Rachel is using the dates to ... help her decide if she can see a future with the guy or if she needs to send him home. Great job, Kirk! You've discovered the point of the show, can't get anything past those brows.
For their date, Rachel and Zach are joined by Karamo, who gives them the "red carpet treatment" before they attend a movie premiere later.
I GUESS "RED CARPET TREATMENT" MEANS IGNORING THAT COSTCO SIZED BOWL OF XXXL SHRIMP AND CRAB CLAWS?????? I can definitively say that these shrimp are the biggest turn on of the entire episode.
We soon learn that the "movie premiere" they're attending is actually just a PowerPoint presentation featuring photos and videos of both of them growing up.
But while walking in, they get to experience people who have been paid to take photos of them like they're actually A-list celebs, which I'm not even knocking, I would love to do the same.
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But look, we need an investigative report into who is in charge of dressing Rachel because whoever it is, clearly has a grudge against her. This dress looks like a bedazzled bottle of mustard topped with dried up cotton candy. I'm also dying at the woman standing near the street, not even bothering to take photos, but more confused about why photos are being taken of these randos.
To summarize, Zach and Rachel find out they both used to spend time with their dads at the airport watching planes take off (which ok, is cute). And this is enough to solidify their connection as Rachel gives Zach a rose and Zach admits he's ALREADY falling for Rachel.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch
While Rachel is on her date, Gabby figures she'll drop by the mansion to hang out with the guys and she assumes they'll welcome the visit since, you know, she's the Bachelorette and that's the name of this show. However, she soon has to witness a phenomenon that occurs 100% of the time more than 3 men get together — the bro'ing out effect.
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She thinks at least some of them will take the opportunity to chat with her, the Bachelorette, but nope, they're all in full Chad mode. This obviously upsets Gabby, which, we'll dive into soon, but first...
Gabby's one-on-one with Erich
Skarsgård brother Erich gets this week's solo date with Gabby and they're joined by Gabby's grandpa (who I guess was a memorable guest star last season).
They kick things off by participating in an "intention setting ceremony" inside a yurt, which is exactly as caucasian as you're imagining.
This looks like the sale area in the back of a West Elm.
Later, they have dinner outside AND I NEED TO KNOW WHERE THAT CHANDELIER IS HANGING FROM????
Like, all that is around them is trees and such, did they really hang a chandelier off a tree??? I don't know why I question anything this show does??
Gabby takes the opportunity to open up and be super vulnerable with Erich, telling him about how she's estranged from her mom and how she "may never know what it's like to have a mother's love" and y'all, WE ALL NEED TO GATHER AROUND AND HUG HER, OKAY. With emotions so high, Gabby walks away for a bit to talk to a producer, at one point asking:
She questions if she's the "right person" to be the Bachelorette, which I think we can all agree Gabby is actually far too good to be the Bachelorette.
She eventually returns to Erich and explains how hard this has been and they kiss. When Gabby asks if Erich will accept the date rose, he responds with "Yeah," which oh by the way, is the only response slash comfort he's offered her throughout this entire emotional conversation.
I've seen more emotional response and understanding from a Magic 8 Ball. I don't know where else to insert this joke, but Erich is a little bich and I hope he's sent home soon.
"There's going to be a massive group date"
The remaining clowns get to take part in this week's group date, making it a NINETEEN ON TWO date. And next on the mandatory date checklist is making the Bachelorettes pose for photos in wedding dresses.
This remains one of the wackest (and most insane) dates the show pushes. Everyone knows you don't show up in a wedding dress until AT LEAST the fourth date, duh.
The alleged point of the date is for Gabby and Rachel to see who they can "picture" themselves with, which can only be discovered by having the men wear a variety of costumes before posing for photos:
Jacob is given some sort of leaf to wear (and tbh that giant black box covering him is generous), which actually makes sense because he is the biggest chestnut face (aka, great body + hideous face, like he's got a great chest not face).
The photo session produces shots like this:
So yes, it's as incredibly stupid as you were thinking. Also, I could've gone my entire life without seeing Meatball dressed as a giant hairy baby.
A couple guys who the producers don't hate get to fake propose because you know, this show respects how serious it means to get engaged and married. And while this date has been so cringe, one perfect moment emerges with Nate:
HE TELLS GABBY THAT "FOREVER CAN NEVER BE LONG ENOUGH" WITH HER AND PHEW, IF THAT DOESN'T TAP INTO MY DEEPEST TWILIGHT TENDENCIES. Would honestly prefer to watch an entire season about Nate and Gabby's love story as opposed to whatever it is that we're actually witnessing.
The happiness is short lived though because...
Wait, you mean having two Bachelorettes was a bad idea?
I don't know who thought it was empowering for Gabby and Rachel to share a group of men when it was bound to make one or both of them feel bad at some point as these dildos think this season is all about who THEY choose. This is made apparent during the evening portion of the group date when SEVERAL men tell Gabby she's not the one for them, including these two brunette bozos:
Tiny Tyler on the left is actually the nicest about it, telling Gabby that he "gravitates" toward Rachel, which is good because the man can't be heavier than a pea, so some level of gravity to keep him on the ground is necessary. K-Mart Ryan Atwood on the right (Hayden) is ruder, telling Gabby that his "morals" align better with Rachel because Gabby is "rough around the edges," which seriously wtf. So Gabby has had a harder life and knows how to speak her mind? FLING THIS MAN INTO SPACE.
And the most vile garbage of all:
Chestnut Face tells Gabby that even if she was the only Bachelorette, he would leave, BUT he thinks she's hot (oh great, thanks). I can't stand this show for many reasons, but mostly for giving these men who are 3s AT BEST a platform to reject a 10.
Because of the men's bullshittery, Gabby decides not to give a rose out, which not only surprises the trash ass men, but Rachel as well.
Oh btw, Rachel, who's been having a great night, gives her rose to Aven.
After the date, Gabby fills Rachel in on what happened, before maturely coming to the conclusion that she's "not here to teach dudes how to act." Rachel asks if she wants to address it with the whole group or if she wants her to and Gabby says no. And look, I'm not here to tell Rachel how to be a good friend, but if a stank ass man was rude to my best friend, I'd be like a bat out of hell, that's all I'm saying.
"It is so messy"
Now that everyone is on the same page and has realized the concept for this season is insanely stupid and unfair to the women, some changes are made to the Rose Ceremony (oh and we're skipping the cocktail party this week).
Rachel and Gabby now have their own separate sets of roses to give out, which makes way more sense than the sisterwives thing they were doing before. Another stipulation — once a guy accepts a rose, he is committed to dating that specific Bachelorette. But, what if a guy declines one of their roses? We soon find out and Rachel stares into the camera Office-style to ensure we're seeing what's happening.
Termayne (the "Crypto guy") is the first to reject Rachel's rose, telling her he's here for Gabby. Professor Jesse Palmer then has to come out to explain that if a guy rejects a rose, the Bachelorette CAN'T GIVE THAT ROSE TO ANYONE ELSE AND ESSENTIALLY FORFEITS IT. BUT THE GUY IS ALLOWED TO WAIT TO SEE IF HE'LL GET A ROSE FROM THE OTHER BACHELORETTE. I CAN'T STAND THIS SHOW.
I said Termayne was the first to reject Rachel because Alec and Meatball follow suit, rounding out our first group of guys to reject roses:
Excuse me while I climb the ladder to slide into Alec's DMs.
Rachel walks off camera for a bit and Gabby follows and she tells her how embarrassing this is. Gabby is like "uhh, yeah, this happened to me during the group date?" and Rachel all but dismisses her saying "BUT THIS IS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE." And tbh, the only part that's actually embarrassing is being rejected by the man who poured meat sauce on himself and was dressed as a giant baby earlier.
Because Gabby is a real one, she doesn't give any of these guys roses (and I mean, she probably doesn't see a future with them, sure), so they're all sent home along with Chestnut Face.
And that's it! Or well, in the credits scene, we see Meatball come back to talk to Rachel because I mean, he didn't know Gabby wasn't going to give him a rose! So now he's ready to accept hers! And because this show is toxic, she is def going to let him stay, but guess we'll have to wait until next week to see!
Til then, find me creeping outside your window and also on Twitter and Instagram.
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