Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 4

This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby realizing she didn't choose the right hairstyle for trying on berets:

For reasons I'll soon scream about, this woman really really really really really should've been the only Bachelorette this season. 

About the beret — we're in France! And this time, instead of having everyone stay in a French chateau, they're all staying....on a Virgin cruise ship.

Not gonna lie, it feels incredibly random TO RENT OUT AN ENTIRE CRUISE SHIP especially since we don't have any self-proclaimed virgins this season. Because this would've been the point when the producers pressured someone like Colton into saying something like "Like this cruise ship, I am also virgin" (wow I could be a producer).

But before we get to France, we need to see what little drama seed is planted at the beginning of the episode to flourish into a shit bush by the end.

Hayden, more like Hades

As a reminder, K-Mart Ryan Atwood, who is def not tall enough to ride the rides, was rude to Gabby last week, telling her she was "rough around the edges," which didn't align with his pristine values. This week, while sitting outside with a couple of the guys, he spews off the following insults in the span of 30 seconds:

• Calls Gabby and Rachel bitches and says he doesn't trust them
• Specifically calls Gabby a bitch by saying "Well bitch, don't use that word to describe yourself" since she has described herself as rough around the edges but didn't like him doing it (aka he can't believe there is anything he isn't allowed to say)
• Says Rachel's boobs "don't hold a candle" to his ex's (wtf, who holds candles near boobs anyway)

Now with this little Napoleon's comments stewing in the background, let's get to France!

This week's solo dates: Jason and Tino

Gabby picks Jason because he's super shy and she's hoping one-on-one time will help him open up. For their date, they first have to climb the stairway to heaven IN THE RAIN:

They then try on berets (please reference earlier photo of Gabby looking like a bald baby) before meeting back up with Rachel and Tino, who spent their afternoon eating crepes and by "eating crepes" I mean eating each others faces:

The owner of this bakery was all "come in and make some crepes!" and they proceeded to do this instead while the crepes were probably burnt to a crisp. I'm also imagining the owner standing literally 2 ft away (this was a tiny little shop) thinking "this is not how you make crepes."

Right, so these four meet up and at some point, Rachel tells, I mean, asks Gabby if she needs to go to the bathroom (so they can talk about their dates). They proceed to get up and walk approx four steps away from the guys. 

I don't know how bathrooms work in France, but I hope those long jackets aren't just shields for them to be openly peeing in front of that counter.

Later, during the evening portion of their dates, Gabby and Jason have dinner in what appears to be the entrance to a P.F. Chang's:

Jason really bares his soul, telling Gabby that he played tennis growing up, but it made him competitive to the point that he didn't enjoy it anymore. Phew, didn't know we'd be getting that deep and neither did Gabby because this is her face as he tells her about his tennis struggles:

It's hard to follow Jason sharing something as meaningful and insightful as changing what hobbies he's interested in, but Gabby tries to. She tells Jason about the difficult relationship with her mom, saying that she still loves her even though her mom "doesn't have the tools" to love her back. They soon realize they've both been through therapy (which again, everyone on this show REALLY needs it) and Jason is sweet, but wow, so incredibly boring. 

There's something about his face that makes me want to go to sleep. Like, he is the personification of a lullaby. I have to move on because his face is like a sleep podcast and I'm about to doze off. But I guess Gabby likes that nap life because she gives him a rose.

Meanwhile, Rachel is on a date in a cathedral, obviously:

He's like super busy, but I'm pretty sure even God took a moment to be like "wtf??? who approved this??" 

Rachel learns that Tino is ready to get married, which is good to know since she is the Bachelorette and this show is called The Bachelorette and the point is to get married. We also learn that Rachel is just reusing her old cue cards from her date last week with Zach as she stops just short of also telling Tino that she basically loves him. So that's good. He obviously gets a rose.

Now with the solo dates out of the way, let's get to the rest of the idiots.

"This is my first group date alone with my boyfriends"

The rest of Gabby's guys are put through a boxing group date where they'll have to "fight" for Gabby's love, which to be honest, I didn't mind and we'll never know why. Jk, here's why:

When the actual matches get underway, Rachel and her guys show up to watch because, well, I honestly don't know why Rachel is crashing Gabby's date AGAIN. Like damn, can't Gabby do anything on her own without Rachel popping up like a whack-a-mole. Mostly noting this to share this screenshot:

I didn't realize how miniature Hayden was until seeing him stand around the other guys and wow this man can't be taller than 4'11". He looks like Zach's annoying younger brother who Zach was forced to drag along on the show.

Anyway, back to Gabby because remember this is her group date. The guys are placed into pairs to fight each other, but before they box, they each get on the mic to profess their feelings to Gabby, which is pretty adorable. But this is simply too much for Rachel, who cannot handle all of these men paying attention to Gabby during Gabby's group date and not to her.

She has a full-on meltdown because none of her guys are "even trying to make eye contact" with her MAYBE BECAUSE THEY'RE WATCHING GUYS LITERALLY FIGHT EACH OTHER IN A RING?? This was truly an insane reaction. Like babes, you're on ANOTHER WOMAN'S DATE CRYING ABOUT WHY NO ONE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO YOU?? This would be like if I went to Gemma Chan's movie premiere and then had a tantrum on the red carpet because no one was paying attention to me, woman who was not invited and jumped the security gate to get into this premiere. 

Back to Gabby, because AGAIN, this is her date. She chooses Spencer as the overall winner of the day, meaning he gets to spend some one-on-one time with her that evening.

Gabby likes Spencer because he's "tall, dark and handsome," plus he was in the military (IG tells me he went to West Point) and Gabby grew up in a military family, so they have that connection. They talk more, Spencer touches his bare shins a bunch because he's one of the men whose dress pants are capris, they both ignore a lovely mini coot board and ultimately, Gabby gives him a rose.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Rachel is still spiraling after having to endure not being the center of attention during Gabby's group date. She decides to confront her group of guys and tells them that she felt more "wanted" by thumb head Clayton (who dumped her and made her look like a fool on live TV) than by any of them I guess because, I don't know, none of them tried to slow dance with her during Gabby's group date. Zach's reaction summarizes mine and I think, everyone's:

Look, at this point, I think it's just better for everyone's well-being if Rachel drops out of this. But instead, let's just keep moving along, ignoring how deep this is negatively affecting both women because we've got more stupid dates to see!

Rachel's group date that Gabby doesn't interrupt

We quickly learn that the producers also want Rachel to leave and are doing everything they can to get that to happen because for her group date, she first has to endure the guys "flirting" with her, which encourages this:

Ethan proceeds to crawl on the floor in such a creepy and strange way that my ovaries immediately put their out-of-office responses on. The follow-up activities included having the guys make-out with their hands and then of course this:

Rachel has to sniff ALL of their armpits and at this point, based on how terrible this entire experience has been, I'm surprised the next activity wasn't "Okay Rachel, now we're going to have the guys throw tomatoes at you to show they're ready to ketchup with love!"

At the end of this extremely bizarre day, Rachel says she "feels wanted now," which ummm that makes sense because THIS IS ACTUALLY YOUR GROUP DATE??????? YESTERDAY WAS GABBY'S DATE?????? AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS????? And ultimately, she chooses to spend more one-on-one time with Tyler that evening.

Tyler takes the time to ask Rachel to prom because his mom said he could borrow the car so he can even pick her up. But actually, he talks about his last serious relationship and how he bought a house for them (didn't know 17-year-olds could buy houses, but go off) before she dumped him, but that it was all worth it to feel love and he still believes risking pain is worth it, to which Rachel is like:

Hearing that he's ready to get hurt makes Rachel more ecstatic than when I see my Chili's sizzling plate of fajitas coming to my table, so she of course gives him a rose.

To recap, heading into the Rose Ceremony, Rachel has given Tino and Tyler roses and Gabby has given Jason and Spencer roses.

All of these men really, really need therapy

I'm going to quickly summarize Hades' rise and fall as this episode's villain. 

During the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party, he uses his time with Rachel to talk about his dog that is dying. Rachel is like "cool story bro." Hades can't get over Rachel not being obsessed with his dog that she's never met and proceeds to spend the whole night complaining to all oxygen molecules in a 100-mile radius. 

While Hades is complaining and pouting, Meatball decides it's time to tell Rachel about his earlier negative remarks about the women.

This, for good reason, infuriates Gabby who pulls Hayden for a chat. When she asks what he thinks she wants to talk to him about, HE SAYS HIS DOG. 

And tbh, both of these people are WILDLY self-centered with embarrassingly unwarranted main character energy, so maybe they actually do belong together. Hayden of course denies everything even though it's literally on tape and Rachel thankfully sends his ass home.

This is what I imagine every woman in Hayden's life, from his mom to the women he dates, looks like when he hugs them.

With another toxic man out of the picture, who will fill the void?

Ah yes, thanks tiny mouth man. He's been struggling this episode because he still feels attracted to Gabby and he doesn't know when to say something to Rachel (my recommendation: before proposal day, probably). Instead of actually dealing with the situation like an adult, this bearded baby decides it's best to just accept Rachel's rose because it keeps him here AND CLOSE TO GABBY. I HATE IT HERE.

Other rose notes: with Hades already gone, Rachel sends home Jordan and Gabby sends home Kirk and Quincey. I still don't actually care about any of these potential couples except for Gabby and Nate, so I'll close this post with this shot of Nate: 

LOOK AT HIM IN HIS LITTLE EDWARD CULLEN POPPED COLLAR COAT. I know it seems like I make a lot of Twilight references but that's only because I'm embarrassing.

See you all next week! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).