Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Week 6

This week's commentary is brought to you by me, I am this woman, just closely standing by and clearly taking photos of Gabby and Nate.

Why did they blur my face out. We'll get to this devastating moment soon.

We're in Amsterdam! Gabby and Rachel are excited to continue their European adventure and their travels remind me of how Katie's entire season took place at like a Ramada Inn. I have to laugh. 

Let's jump in!

Gabby's one-on-one with Nate

The love of my life, Nate, gets this week's solo date with Gabby (again) and y'all look how happy he is to see her:

That happiness soon subsides as we learn this is a break-up date. They barely sit down before Gabby bursts into tears and y'all, I can count on zero hands the number of times this show has made me feel emotions, but this entire breakup got me right in the aortic pump.

Gabby tells Nate she has deep feelings for him, but they're just in two different places in their lives and she's not ready to be a mom. Beyond being scared to be a mom, she's even more scared of being bad at it and even though she's breaking up with him, Nate reassures her that when she's ready to be a mom, she'll be a great one and he could never be upset with her for being truthful.

Their conversation is FOR SURE the most mature, thoughtful thing to EVER happen on this show. And in one final thing to get me emotional, Nate tells Gabby to "be sure to pick someone who picks you too" AND DAMN THIS IS SOME FAULT IN OUR STARS/WALK TO REMEMBER SHIT, I'M CRINE.

After he leaves, Gabby is understandably upset because I'm pretty sure if he wasn't a father, she FOR SURE would've picked Nate. She copes by doing the Ariana Grande album cover challenge and it helps.

Meanwhile, in his last clip, Nate says it'll be hard to replicate the connection he has with Gabby because they can so easily laugh and talk with each other, but um excuse me, I am also capable of replicating and talking and laughing. 

I CANNOT BELIEVE NATE IS GONE?!!! Similar to Gabby, I do not care about any of these other men, but I guess let's just keep going.

Rachel's one-on-one with Zach

Zach gets his second solo date with Rachel, which reminds us all to ask why is Ethan still here.

They spend the afternoon absolutely blasting their eyes and noses with pollen by riding bikes through fields of tulips before happening upon a plant that also blooms at the same time — the hothulus tubulis.

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I'm not exaggerating when I say less than 3 sentences of conversation happen during this day portion of the date. And I'd remember because Zach always sounds like he's presenting slides about a project update.

We do get a status update during dinner later when Zach shares that a couple of years ago, he was overweight and not happy with himself. When Rachel asks how he got from there to where he is now, he tells her it's all because of therapy, which she relates to because it was something she (and all of us) very much needed after enduring Clayton.

Zach tells Rachel he's falling in love with her and he obviously gets a rose (meaning he's the first Hometowns guy) and all I could think about was how Rachel's dress looks like it's made of that heart-shaped Looney Tunes monster (I Googled those exact words to find out his name is Gossamer): 

Can't believe this show hunted a Gossamer just so they could make this fugly ass dress. SERIOUSLY, WHO DID RACHEL ANGER IN THE WARDROBE DEPARTMENT.

"Come on, give mama a hug"

The way Gabby greets her guys for their group date again shows why she is the most relatable Bachelorette to date.

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The guys and Gabby are greeted by a woman with a whip and they soon learn this is a sex-themed date when she asks,"How many of you think you know how to treat a woman in the bedroom?" And I gotta tell you, this is a group that I can assure you does not know how to do said treating:

There'e a bunch more questions and activities that make the guys uncomfortable and you know who wouldn't have been uncomfortable? NATE. But anyway, they eventually all spread out on giant tortillas like they're about to be made into a giant Crunchwrap Supreme.

Instead, Gabby blindfolds them and proceeds to spray whipped cream on their pasty, hairy nipples and also tickles them. A truly bizarre date.

Later, while the guys are waiting for Gabby to arrive for the evening's cocktail party, the Bad News Bear himself shows up at Gabby's door, which cannot be good:

Jesse tells Gabby that Logan tested positive for COVID, so they'll have to cancel the date's cocktail party (meaning she can't give out a rose). What he's really telling us is that Logan first ruined Rachel's experience and is now here to ruin Gabby's time too, a real BOGO deal. I knew we shouldn't have trusted someone who looks like a Veggie Tale.

Sorry, I didn't know where else to drop this observation in.

When Jesse tells the guys, he does it in such an unnecessarily dramatic way. Instead of just saying Logan has COVID, he says there's been a "situation," and like shut the hell up Jesse Palmer, just tell these men that Logan is the bat that COVID originated from.

We later learn that Logan is out for the rest of the season?? Which just seems so abrupt, like he and Gabby can't even FaceTime to say goodbye?? But also, let's not question it. The ol' Rona really came in and said if Rachel and Gabby won't send this man home, I will. 

No funny header because Rachel never says anything funny

For Rachel's group date, she brings the guys to a famous cheese town. This date is especially important for her because she needs to figure out whose families she wants to meet and who she really sees a future with. So anyway, she accomplishes that with this:

Having them participate in a cheese holding competition, sure why not, how else do you test for a lasting relationship these days. Tino ends up beating Ethan out to win and oh yeah, to answer your question, this is Ethan:

Who even knew he was still here. 

Rachel learns who he is when they have their first full conversation ever during the date's cocktail party. He tells her that his family means the world to him and so does she, so he can't wait to introduce her to them. 

And I'm sorry, what?? This man is really saying this woman who he is just short of needing a "Hello, My Name Is" tag for is as important as his family??? I understand nothing.

Tyler, who we learn is unexpectedly buff (please reference shirtless cheese holding above) for someone whose voice just changed, follows Zach's lead and is the second guy to tell Rachel he's falling in love with her. 

I can't quite place who he looks like, but there's something about his nose and mouth that reminds me of a Who (like from Whoville)?? If anyone else has a better assessment, let me know.

And lastly, because this is a buy-2-get-1 free situation, Tino, who has grown increasingly annoying and intense about his connection with Rachel, also tells Rachel he's falling in love with her leading to this weirdly low camera angle of them making out.

It's become clear that this man is one pair of night vision goggles away from being a certified creep. But don't worry, he proves how totally chill and not intense he is by completely losing his shit when Tyler gets the group date rose instead of him.

He complains about how he "checked every box" and told her how he felt and it's like, okay??? Everyone else is doing that too, why do you deserve extra credit?? Ethan then provides his one and only memorable moment of the season when he accurately calls Tino a "little baby back bitch," which is so funny because not only are you a bitch, but you also have a baby back. And his little baby back whining continues the next day:

Sorry, but Rachel should send him home purely based on the fact that he's wearing flip flops. A crime in itself, but WITH A WOOL-LINED COAT??? I'm no meteorologist, but there is no climate in the world where you're like omg my body is so cold, but my feet are burnin' up and the piggies need to be out (and again, men should never EVER be allowed to have their toes out).

The most predictable Rose Ceremony ever

Both women have a guy who we (and they) are surprised is still here — Spencer for Gabby and Ethan for Rachel — so it's no surprise when both are sent packing. But something I just realized is that after Gabby hands out her roses, she has to stand there while Rachel hands out hers, which I guess has always happened, but for some reason I find it so awkward. So here she is disassociating:

This means Gabby is heading to the hometowns of Skarsgård brother Erich, David Guetta ("Johnny") and Nap Podcast Face Jason. Rachel is heading to the hometowns of Tiny (but buff) Tyler, Corporate Voice Zach, Intense-To-A-Level-Of-Major-Discomfort Tino and Too-Hot-For-This-Show Aven.

I can already confidently say both of these women should not get engaged to any of these men! This show remains a very toxic thing for us to endure! So see you next week! Til then, you can find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).