This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby proving yet again why she is the people's Bachelorette:
This particular gem was from the bloopers shown during the Men Tell All portion of this hodgepodge episode that was half Bachelorette content and half ads. I'm always confused after watching each week, mostly at my decision to voluntarily do so, but this week left me more confused than ever because of the random assortment of things we were presented with.
So let's jump in!
Rachel's hometown date with Aven
Since this show is a mess and doesn't know what time management is, we didn't get to Rachel's date with Aven last week. So we're kicking things off with one more hometown date in Salem, Massachusetts.
Because of how poorly her meeting with Tino's parents went (reminder: they hated her), Rachel is understandably nervous to meet Aven's parents. Aven helps her nervousness by telling her that his parents hated both of his prior exes, so things are really looking great.
With a lot of nerves and anxiousness happening, they decide the best way to deal with that is to visit this woman named Lorelei who is known as the "Love Witch."
She casts some sort of "love spell" and wow, I did not see this season of Gilmore Girls coming.
Later that night, Rachel meets Aven's parents.
Cracking up at whichever production assistant stabbed the bread like that. Also love that the show isn't even faking meals anymore, just putting out a bucket of stabbed bread.
Both of Aven's parents are skeptical at first, wondering how realistic their connection will be outside of the dinners, hotels, travels and general bubble of the show. But long story short, they both come around to liking Rachel and they end the night onboard this flight to Engagement Town.
Relieved to have that out of the way, Aven finally admits to Rachel that he's falling in love with her and y'all, here she is showing us every lamp she rubbed, wishing for this exact moment:
I was surprised she didn't have producers bring out sparklers and a cake that said "CONGRATS ON GETTING A HOT GUY." She doesn't tell him she's falling for him too (like she did with Tino), but she does say something to the effect of "omg this means so much to me to have such an insanely hot person say that to me."
And thus concludes all of the hometown dates and the only actual content of this week's episode. Jesse passingly mentions that all of the guys got roses before we dive into...
Hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored
This is not an exaggeration, there's at least an hour of ads and promos for things outside of the show. One of the biggest promos is for Virgin Voyages, which Jesse begins to highlight by handing out champagne to the audience:
"Please drink responsibly," lolllll. It's completely irresponsible for us to be watching this show to begin with so what makes them think we will be drinking responsibly. All of us clearly have no self-control.
Jesse tells the room that "This news is going to change your lives forever" and um, this life changing news ends up being that everyone has won a free cruise. Either Jesse doesn't know what "forever" means or all of these people have just won a trip on the Titanic. Otherwise I'm not quite sure how a cruise changes your life forever.
There's also an entire segment dedicated to the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise.
I didn't even know Victoria was a part of the cast, but I'm here for it (along with Andrew and most importantly, MY ON AND OFF AGAIN BOYFRIEND BRANDON!!!). If ABC just wants to cancel the rest of this Bachelorette season and skip right to BIP, none of us would complain.
Billy Eichner and Luke Macfarlane also make an appearance to promote their upcoming movie "Bros" and Billy brings back a memory that all of us have been repressing since the beginning of the season:
That's right, for the second time in the span of 2 months, we have to witness a grown man strip down to his boxer briefs to pour spaghetti sauce on his body. This is our punishment for choosing to watch this show, we all deserve it.
With that in mind, let's keep things going with a few notes from the Men Tell All (hint: there is no "all" to tell).
The wardrobe department remains mad at her
Seriously, who did Rachel offend because why would they put her in this ombre dress from Wet Seal circa 2009???
The sock shortage also continues
So I guess most of these men are not only afraid of commitment, they're also terrified of socks. And you know all of them have Shrek looking feet that are stinking up a storm in those loafers.
Only recently found out about this
Thanks to Ling for sharing this with me — newly blonde Robey (the magician, remember) is Leelee Sobieski's brother???!! Everyone of course remembers her from "Never Been Kissed," but do y'all remember "Here on Earth" where she was in this love triangle with Chris Klein (back when he was hot and not weird) and JOSH HARTNETT (who remains hot)?? It was basically the original "A Walk to Remember" and Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson sang the main song for the film and yes it was critically acclaimed in that it earned her a Teen Choice Award nomination.
Honestly didn't see this show causing me to write an entire paragraph about Leelee Sobieski, but here we are (here on earth, hahahahahhahaha, I'm sorry).
Why didn't we get more clips of him
Alec and his perfect face get more screen time during the Men Tell All than all three (I think?) episodes he was actually in. And I mean, is he a 0.3mm pen because he is FINE.
His best moment is when they're all talking about that shitty guy Chris (the one who was talking about Fantasy Suites in episode 2). He says Chris acted like his shit didn't stink, "but it did, just like his breath." You have to laugh because look, these "yo' mama" level jokes are stupid, but they get the job done.
Anyway, wow where did this slip-n-slide come from because here I am sliding into Alec's DMs. Which, speaking of sliding into DMs...
Why am I not married to Nate
Per tradition, the show makes Nate relive his relationship and breakup with Gabby and he cries watching it before telling Jesse that he has no hard feelings, only love, for Gabby.
He then addresses all of the rumors about him circulating on social media — including that he was dating two women at the same time and kept his daughter a "secret" from them — saying that he basically didn't want to bring his daughter into his unstable dating situation. To that I say, omg am I the concrete foundation of a house, because it's all stability over here babes.
And that's it! Or well, that's all I want to talk about from this truly chaotic episode. I remain confused about what I watched for 2 hours. But it's all over soon! See you next week for Fantasy Suites! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
No comments:
Post a Comment