This week's commentary is brought to you by Rachel's bejeweled turtleneck:
This reminds me of the days trudging through racks at Forever21, when you'd see what appeared to be a normal looking top and pull it out only to reveal it was in fact, bejeweled. And probably said something like "i'M sO FaNcY." More on this specific top later.
This week we're leaving France on the S.S. Virgin and on our way to Belgium!
Because it's important that the embarrassing stench of this show is spread equally across the entire European Union. Let's jump in!
"Everyone is leaving me"
As a reminder, Logan ended last week feeling even more certain about his feelings for Gabby instead of Rachel, which he dealt with by....accepting a rose from Rachel. After this week's group date card is delivered, he decides it's finally time to break the news to Rachel that his tiny mouth only wants tiny kisses from Gabby.
I'm sorry, but there's no way this man is 26. He's at least 45, just here with the investigative facts.
"26-year-old" Logan admits that when the women split up their roses, he thought he'd for sure get one from Gabby, but after he didn't, he couldn't forget his connection with her. As Rachel realizes she's being dumped again, she's like, why the fuck did I drown my hands in self-tanner for this:
This is now the fourth man to tell her he doesn't want to date her, but luckily on the fifth one, she'll get a gift card to Cheesecake Factory! And before I move on, can y'all let me know if her hands are the same color as these Belgian waffles:
They're from some other point in the show. Honestly, her hands might be toastier.
After breaking up with Rachel, the Tiny Mouth marathon continues as he heads over to let Gabby know she's won the amazing opportunity to date this super great face.
Gabby admits he was the only guy both of them liked, a statement I simply cannot process or begin to understand. The only reasoning I can come up with is he's tall and they're tall'matized? Because why else would two women see this man's face + squirrely mouth and think "oh God yes, more please."
Right, so unfortunately, Gabby is interested in letting Logan join her group of guys, but she wants to check in with Rachel first, who as you can imagine isn't exactly super pumped about it.
Rachel says it was "humiliating" to be dumped by another guy, but she supports Gabby and wants her to keep Logan around if she needs to explore that connection. And tbh, in this situation, Rachel is winning out because she doesn't have to make out with that microscopic mouth anymore.
Now that we've fully set a negative and upsetting tone for the episode, seems like the right time to get to the dates!
Rachel's sort-of group date
So obviously being dumped by Chinstrap Beard doesn't put Rachel in the best headspace for a group date especially since, as she notes, it's TWO WEEKS before hometowns and she should have 7 guys here, but there's only 5 (aka she's mad she hasn't had the opportunity to dump more guys). Which, I'm sorry, THERE'S ONLY TWO WEEKS UNTIL HOMETOWNS????? These Bachelorettes have talked to these guys for MAYBE a total of 1 hour each, so sure that timing makes sense, let's introduce men who are one step above "stranger" to your families.
Anyway, since Jesse Palmer's only purpose on this show is to deliver bad news (when the cocktail party is canceled, how this is the last rose and if you don't get it, you have to leave, etc.), it's not looking good for the group when he meets the guys:
While wearing Chris Evans' "Knives Out" sweater, where did he get that.
He tells them Rachel is canceling the day portion of the date, but she'll still have a cocktail party later, which great, glad that was preserved. They won't get to explore Belgium with their potential wife, but the guys will still get to talk to her inside a cruise ship conference room. Perfect.
During the cocktail party that night, Tiny Tyler brings Rachel into some sort of mirror closet with twinkle lights.
She says, "I'm in the stars!" and he responds with "You ARE the stars" and I responded by eating my TV so I could projectile vomit it straight out the window. I have reported this exchange to the FBI because it must be illegal.
Tino kicks off his time with Rachel by telling her that he'll "take any piece of her any day," which okay didn't know it was cannibalism o'clock.
He says he wants to be her best friend who she can talk to even when she's upset, like she was today, because just canceling the date made him "feel unseen." Rachel reassures him that she sees him because I mean, duh he's not a ghost and in the end, he gets the group date rose.
Well, good to see Rachel evenly applied that Sunkist shade of self-tanner all over. Lordy, I haven't seen that shade since I was deep into tanning beds in high school (I KNOW IT'S BAD OKAY BUT I HAD TAN LINES FROM SOCCER, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO, NOT FRY IN A TANNING BED???)
If those orange arms don't pick Tino in the end, I'll be shocked.
Gabby's actually fun group date
Gabby takes her guys out on a Belgium day-of-fun group date where they first prioritize eating waffles (my kind of date) and since there's a whipped cream dispenser, Gabby reacts like any reasonable person would:
The people's Bachelorette, that's what I say, because I have never seen a whipped cream dispenser, no matter the size, that I have not wanted to eat directly from. Unlike Tino, I feel very seen.
They also participate in some sort of rock-paper-scissors game where the winner gets to slap the loser with a fish.
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I couldn't tell if these were real fish or just prop fish that they wetted down, but honestly, both options sound terrible. I am also sorry for saying "wetted down," as you can tell, this show is rotting my brain.
While the guys are waiting for the evening portion of the date to begin, they're all in a great mood, talking about how nice it is that they're a small group and will each get quality time with Rachel. And wait, did someone say there's a mood to be ruined:
Because Logan always answers that call. He fills the guys in more than his beard is and all of them are understandably annoyed. In fact, Jason is so annoyed he even tries to put him to sleep with his face:
It doesn't work.
Once Gabby arrives, Nate is the first to pull her away to chat and he tells her that he supports her no matter what and you guys, look how intensely he looks at her when she speaks:
Also love that he is now wearing Chris Evans' "Knives Out" sweater, that sweater is really making the rounds.
The only other group date note I want to make is that I finally realized Erich doesn't just look like one of the Skarsgård brothers — there is also something about him that reminds me of this potato wedge:
I don't know what it is, maybe the fact that both are not good at exhibiting human emotions.
Nate obviously gets the group date rose and he's so excited about it, I love this man.
Sorry, that's over the top, what I mean is I am in love with him and ready to be a stepmother, thanks.
"Aven is one of the most handsome men I've ever seen"
Rachel chooses Aven for this week's solo date and tbh, I think Rachel is obsessed with him because he's probably the hottest man she's ever dated or been around.
Aven truly is one of the hottest guys to be on this show, but let's also remember what Rachel is comparing him to. The last guy she dated (Clayton) looked like a bottle of Pepto Bismol, so she can really only go up.
Anyway, they walk around the city before "happening" to come across Belgian women making veils, so this obviously happens:
Love how it's not even a finished veil, just raw material that could be used for a veil or a curtain, and the way Rachel's wearing it makes her look like a nun. But hey, you gotta give it to her, she's consistent with her interest in making out with dudes inches away from people who are trying to actually share something about their culture with her.
Later at dinner, Aven opens up about his relationship with his mom, saying he didn't see her much after his parents divorced when he was younger, but they became really close as he got older. He shares this rubber bracelet she made him for good luck, WHICH HE PROCEEDS TO GIVE TO RACHEL:
Thankfully, he says she can just "keep it for a while," because otherwise, who in the actual hell gives away something this meaningful to a woman you're just now having a conversation that's longer than 5 minutes with. And logistically, she clearly has no room to wear this, based on her bejeweled sleeves (yes this is that bejeweled turtleneck mentioned earlier, someone in the wardrobe department clearly hates her).
Aven obviously gets a rose.
Gabby's headliner is David Guetta
I'm mostly including this screenshot because I cannot remember David Guetta's real name. Gabby chooses Johnny for this week's solo date and she continues to have better dates than Rachel as they spend the day at a Belgian family's brewery.
They sample several beers and wait, that woman is now wearing the "Knives Out" sweater! It's hard to keep track! I like how that snack tray has what appears to be a little dish of barbecue sauce (I KNOW IT'S PROBABLY CHOCOLATE, BUT THINKING IT'S A WILD DISH OF BBQ SAUCE IS FUNNIER).
After some beer tasting, they move onto a "special surprise," which normally means a hot tub, but this time it's a lukewarm tub full of beer:
This is all part of a "spa" experience, which bodes well for Gabby who says spa days are where she "thrives." And honestly, she does thrive:
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Love that it looks like she's just slapping him with a bunch of cilantro.
Later, they have dinner in what appears to be King’s Landing:
I thought Cersei destroyed it all!
David Guetta opens up, telling Gabby that while he's a world renowned DJ, he's probably the least confident person ever. He admits that he's super guarded in relationships at first because of being hurt in the past and struggles with depression and feeling bad about himself. Gabby tells him that she struggles with anxiety and depression too and this conversation was exactly what she was looking for to help her get to know him on a deeper level. He gets a rose.
So heading into the Rose Ceremony, Tino and Aven have roses from Rachel and Nate and Johnny have roses from Gabby.
We all know who the front runners are, but let's keep this charade going
Is this a Rose Ceremony or are they about to play each other in Family Feud.
To get to the point, Rachel sends home Meatball and Gabby sends home Michael and Mario (who received her First Impression Rose!!). It's pretty clear that Rachel's front runner is Tino and Gabby's is Nate, which speaking of Nate...
During the Rose Ceremony cocktail party, Gabby GIVES NATE A GIFT BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING OF HIM AND IT'S BELGIAN CHOCOLATE FOR HIS DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE KNOWS HE'S BEEN MISSING HER:
THIS IS MOTHER FRACKING ADORABLE AND I AM OBSESSED WITH THEM. Okay, not obsessed, calm down, what I mean is if I can't have Nate, I'm glad my good friend Gabby can. But also, if she breaks his heart, I will be waiting in the wings with superglue.
And that's it! This show literally just figured out the logistics of this season, namely that the women should have different groups of guys, and we're already nearing Hometown Dates. I mean, we'll never know why these relationships don't last.
See you next week! Til then, find me lurking on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).
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