Let's chat about The Bachelorette(s) - Hometown Dates

This week's commentary is brought to you by Gabby looking like all of us trying to figure out how it feels like no time has passed for us to already be this close to the finale, but also decades of time has passed based on how much we've aged from this exhausting season.

We made it to Hometowns! And we're traveling to exotic locations such as Bedminster, New Jersey and also Wildwood, New Jersey. 

So get your passport and let's jump in!

New Orleans with Jason

Ol' Sleepytime Tea is Gabby's first hometown date of the week and we're in New Orleans! They walk around Bourbon Street and at one point, Jason casually drops the truth bomb that he was going to leave at the beginning of the show. Gabby reacts like "wtf" because can you imagine how much boredom she would've missed out on had he left!

Jason's parents are separated, so they meet up with his dad first in the park.

Jason's dad says he supports Jason no matter what and that if Gabby is the one, he wants to be the best man at the wedding. And Jason is like *hehe, nervous laughter*. They end their afternoon together with a little beignet cheers, which I've now realized is what all cheers should be with.

I know it's not exactly the same, but I love Gabby's dress because it's giving strong Cher Horowitz vibes (specifically the outfit Cher wore when they were playing tennis in PE; if only I used my photographic memory for useful things).

Later that night, Gabby meets Jason's mom, sister and sister's boyfriend in what appears to be a room in Ozzy Osbourne's home.

This looks like a chaotic aisle in Home Goods.

Overall, Jason's family really likes Gabby and how she's different from Jason because that means they can balance each other out. His mom says she can sense how much they care for each other and his sister is like, I'm not gonna write you a love song, cause you asked for it:

A little Sara Bareilles'ish right?? And a little like Kelley from that idiot Peter's season of The Bachelor. 

Right, so things are going well until Jason realizes he is in fact on a show called The Bachelorette where the point is to get engaged at the end, this is how it's always been. He tells his mom that he absolutely cannot see himself getting engaged at the end of this unless things "happen" to change in the next 2 weeks. And this is the face of a mother wondering, what are we doing here then.

Jason's mom asks if he's told Gabby this VERY IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS and he's like "not yet," as if he's hiding what his favorite sandwich is from her and NOT THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT READY TO GET ENGAGED.

He ends up not telling Gabby before she leaves, so that's great. He does give her one last terrible kiss though and I'm sorry, but if I had to see this, you do too:

It's like he's slurping the top curly part of a soft serve ice cream cone. 

Anyway, the takeaway from this date is that it seems Gabby has a better chance of becoming a Hobbit and finding One Ring to Rule Them All than getting a ring from Jason.

But let's see what's up with Gabby's other two guys.

Palm Beach with David Guetta (allegedly named "Johnny")

Gabby heads down to Florida to meet Johnny's family and she's sure to emphasize that "Johnny is super hot — he knows it, I know it and you know." Girl, what. If that's the case, I am Jon Snow and know nothing.

They jump right into meeting his parents, best friend, brother and brother's girlfriend.

And damn, they didn't even set them up with a small coot board, not one piece of cheese, instead two random shrubs placed in what appear to be cereal bowls.

Similar to Jason's family, Johnny's family also really likes Gabby (I mean, obviously). She tells his dad that it feels like she's known them for years, which is also how she feels about Johnny because she's always felt the most comfortable around him. 

Also sadly similar to Jason's date — Johnny tells his mom that he's not ready to get engaged and anyway, she reacts the same as Jason's mom:

He says IT'S NOT SOMETHING HE'S TALKED ABOUT YET WITH GABBY, when like bruh there's 2 weeks left?? What do you mean this has not come up?? This show has been on for 150 years and the premise has not changed, so you knew what you were getting into??? Why do all of these men act like it's a surprise that this show ends with engagements???

We soon learn that Gabby and Johnny have clearly been circling back on completely different emails because Gabby notes in an interview clip that she's "grateful Johnny is ready to take that next step." So she thinks he's ready for Step Up 2: The Streets, but he's still getting through the first movie. Not good news.

To recap, we're 0 for 2 when it comes to Gabby's guys who are ready for engagement. But what about Erich?

Bedminster, NJ with Erich

Spoiler alert: A man with a mullet is about to be Gabby's best hometown date of the week. 

They kick off their time together in New Jersey by sitting on what appears to be a golf course while measuring to see if Gabby's neck is the same size as Erich's waist:

He gives her a heads up that she'll be meeting his dad who he hasn't seen in a while (per being on the show), which has been difficult because he has terminal cancer. 

Along with his dad, Gabby also meets his mom, sister and precious grandparents.

His grandpa greets her by saying, "I know Gabby! I saw her on The Bachelor!"

Gabby and Erich spend time with his dad first and y'all it's by far the most genuine family connection of the entire episode (sorry Rachel). His dad talks honestly about his prognosis and what an amazing caretaker Erich's mom has been and Erich emphasizes that it was important for him to introduce Gabby to the family because of how serious he believes their connection is.

When Erich talks to his mom, he tells her that he wants to model the love in his relationship after the undying love his parents have for each other.

And phew, if their time with his dad didn't make you feel *light* emotions, this definitely did.

Unlike Jason and Johnny, Erich then spends more one-on-one time with Gabby after meeting his family where he tells her he risked a lot to be here, but it was all worth it for her and he's falling in love with her. And tbh, I think he's the first guy to clearly tell Gabby this?? She tells him she's falling for him too and her feelings have grown stronger after being with his family and they kiss and fortunately, it's not as jarring as watching Jason kiss.

Based on the fact that Gabby's two other ding dongs aren't ready to get married, I feel pretty positive that she's going to pick Erich at the end and *maybe* get engaged. That or she'll leave the show alone and if that happens can we just give her a do-over season, thanks.

Okay, I guess we should get to Rachel's guys because this is technically also her season.

Anaheim with Zach

Was disappointed to learn that even though Zach looks a little like he could be a character in The Goofy Movie and his hometown is Anaheim, he doesn't live at Disney Land?? Wow, lame, what's the point.

Rachel and Zach kick off their date by again riding bikes together before climbing to a rooftop to watch planes take off (remember they both used to do this with their dads). 

Here's Zach pointing like he's at a concert and that Southwest plane just came out for an encore.

Later, Rachel meets Zach's parents, sister, aunt AND FAMOUS UNCLE!!!

That's right, his uncle is the actor (Patrick Warburton) who voiced Kronk in The Emperor's New Groove!! I mean, he's been in a lot of other things too but I only think of him as an animated character, so.

Zach's mom expresses her concerns to Rachel about how fast Zach is falling for her along with the fact that she still has, you know, 3 other boyfriends hanging around. Rachel reassures her that while she does have these other boyfriends, it's important to remember that Zach is one of those boyfriends, so, that's good (feeling much better!).

The entire family then gathers around a screen outside to watch a recap of Rachel and Zach's journey so far, which sounds absolutely mortifying. 

Because there's nothing I want more than for my boyfriend's family to see us making out on a 6ft screen.

During Rachel and Zach's chat before she leaves, he's like, hey if anyone here is in love with Rachel, close your eyes:

He is literally blinking in every screenshot I took of him, sorry. But yes, he tells Rachel he's in love with her and Rachel responds with what anyone who has just declared their love wants to hear — "oh gosh." AND THAT'S IT!!! She doesn't even say "And I love spending time with you." Pretty sure she will not be picking Zach, sorry to say.

Speaking of guys she's not picking...

Wildwood, NJ with Tyler

On her way to meet Tyler, Rachel says her relationship with him is "the most far behind," but she's excited to see if they can get to this magical place known as "there," I guess in one day?? To do that, she shows up in her flashiest outfit:

Sorry, I meant to say she shows up as a flasher. Not this girl showing up looking like Inspector Gadget!!

They spend the afternoon at the boardwalk, playing games and seemingly having a good time, until Rachel realizes that wait, engagements are coming up and if I don't want to get engaged to this man, maybe I shouldn't keep dating him. She retreats to the bathroom to think things over and tells a producer that she doesn't know what to do because she feels so bad about the fact that she knows Tyler isn't the one.

What's even more kookoo about this situation is that while Rachel is LITERALLY crying and running away from Tyler, he is all smiles like "Omg this is the best day!! Everything is perfect!!"

Truly baffling.

Once Rachel returns, they sit down to talk and Tyler dives head first into a speech that makes you think he's about to propose. He tells her this day (that she's been crying throughout) has been the best ever. She then starts trying to essentially break up with him, but he interrupts her to continue his proposal speech and tells her he's in love with her. And this is her face when he says that:

This man should never go on Blue's Clues because how is he not picking up on any context clues. 

It clearly hurts to tell him, but Rachel says she's not confident in their connection and has reservations and those reservations are not at Love Restaurant. Since something is missing, she says she can't meet his family because it wouldn't be right.

They hug goodbye and that ends Tyler's journey, but um, I guess no one told Tyler's family because here they are just waiting and super excited to meet Rachel.

WE'LL NEVER GET TO EXPERIENCE THOSE COOT BOARDS. Legend has it, they're still waiting for Rachel, to this day. 

And now I understand why she wore that trench coat — didn't want to waste an outfit on TV just to break up with someone. Strategic. Let's get to who I think Rachel will pick...

Santa Clarita with Tino 

Tino picks up Rachel from this random area and I guess she has reflectors on the back of her jeans to let him know where she is, otherwise, why is she standing like this.

It's like she was getting ready for a sorority group picture to be taken, except there's no group and no camera.

They spend some time driving around and talking before he brings her home to meet his parents and younger brother.

I think you can sense the tension in this photo and it's accurate because this is our one family of the season who breaks the third wall and points out how absolutely bonkers the concept of this show is.

Both of Tino's parents are skeptical about how anyone can form a strong connection, let alone be ready to get married after only 5 weeks (reasonable). Tino's dad makes this face during most of their conversations and this is when I remind you THIS IS HOW EVERYONE SHOULD REACT:

He tells Tino that he has a hard time believing that what they've been through during a "whirlwind fairy tale trip" has prepared them for marriage AND I MEAN, HE HAS A POINT. 

Overall, the conversations are brutally honest and a little tense as it's clear Tino's parents are not onboard with the idea of him getting engaged in 2 weeks, but they tell him that "hopefully" whatever happens is "the right thing." As you can imagine, this is how Rachel feels about the night:

Source

Tino and Rachel then spend some time chatting outside AND TINO TELLS RACHEL THAT HIS FAMILY ADORED HER. HAHA WHAT SHOW WAS HE WATCHING?? Even Rachel is like, girl you're dumb, shut up.

He tells her he's falling in love with her and she actually reciprocates for the first time, telling him that she's been falling in love with him for a while. But hey wait, if you're not falling in love with this entire situation, blink:

DAMN I HOPE SOMEONE AT LEAST GOT TO ENJOY THOSE CHIPS AND SALSA.

The episode ends with Rachel talking about how hard it is for her to think about getting engaged to Tino without the support of his parents, which plants the seed for more drama to come.

And that's it! We strangely enough didn't get to Rachel's date with Aven, so that'll happen next week before the Men Tell All. But again, this is all moo (a cow's opinion, it doesn't matter) because none of these people should be getting engaged! Great! See you all next week! Til then, find me creeping on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).