Let's chat about the Bachelorette(s) - Week 1

We're back at it again with a new Bachelorette(s) season! And Jesse Palmer claims this is "the most shocking" season yet, which is already true because we are all in fact shocked this show has gone on for 85 years.

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Before we jump in, I first want to applaud those of you who suffered through the last Bachelor season featuring this package of old lunch meat.

All I'm saying is his skin tone is the same color as that juice around raw chicken and I bet he smells like boiled hot dogs.

I didn't watch most of his season because if I wanted to be bored by a bland, flavorless man for 2 hours a week, I'd just go on more dates. But while I only watched the last few episodes, I know that when Rachel says what her and Gabby went through with Clayton was "torture," she means that having to talk to this naked molerat of a man for weeks on end was exhausting.

But now it's Gabby and Rachel's turn! To meet a bunch of men who all bought the same navy suit from Men's Wearhouse to wear with loafers and no socks. Here we goooooooo!

But first, I'm just going to say it

Based on the few episodes I watched last season, it was clear Gabby was a star. I don't actually understand why she isn't the lone Bachelorette because she could more than carry a season on her own:

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I get it, her and Rachel were both screwed over by the same Monsters Inc. looking man, but I mean, how is the reward for their suffering getting to again compete with each other for a bunch of men?? Why am I trying to rationalize this show??

Anyway, we kick off the season by meeting Gabby in Colorado just 24 hours before she's set to leave for the show. Girl hasn't even packed yet and she's out here hiking with a full blowout! Iconic behavior!!

Even if you don't regularly watch the Bachelor franchise, I can guarantee you'll find this season entertaining if not just for Gabby's sense of humor. I mean, this is the face she makes while saying "I get to date multiple guys":

Relatable. We love to see it.

The point of this section is to warn you that while I'll try to provide commentary on both hers and Rachel's "journeys" (dear God I hate myself), there's no promises, so I'm sorry if you're a hardcore Rachel fan (I also feel sorry if anyone is actually a "hardcore" fan of any of these people).

Let's talk about some of the men!

Yeah so, this is weird

Logan shows up with two chicks in his hands, telling Rachel and Gabby that he "wanted to practice hanging out with 2 chicks." Phew, is there anything hotter than seeing a man licking his lips while approaching you with two baby chickens pooping in his hands?

Gabby actually yells "I thought those were rats," which I mean, he looks like a guy who would hold rats too. 

Logan is one of the few guys who gets to chat with both Gabby and Rachel, who both seem to enjoy their conversations with him. I'm sure we'll get to know his personality more, but for now all I can say is he looks like a man who just found out he's a ghost, so he's trying to make himself appear to be a regular living human being.

That may seem like a very specific assessment, but it just seemed like he was seconds away from asking one of them "Ah yes, so what is one of your favorite alive human being things, I mean, things, to do?" 

I think this man is on the wrong show

Jason shows up looking like a slob kabob with his top button unbuttoned and proceeds to tell Gabby and Rachel that he has something in common with Clayton. He's also in love with 3 women — his mom, his sister and his dog. IN LOVE WITH???? IN LOVE WITH??? HE USED THE WORD "IN" LOVE WITH, NOT JUST LOVE. Anyway, I think the show he's actually looking for airs on TLC or Lifetime. 

After this, we get a montage of guys making entrances that are somehow connected to bashing Clayton or making references to him because if there's anything these two women want on THEIR season is focusing on their shared shitty piece of ham ex-boyfriend. Men really are stupid y'all, so many have only evolved one step past Wile E. Coyote.

Send this man to jail

Justin B. shows up with no shoes because he wants Gabby and Rachel to know he's "grounded," which is still not a good enough reason to not wear shoes. Actually, there is no reason ever for a man to have his bare feet out. Scientists have concluded that 100% of men have feet that look like the gnarly roots of an old tree and the public just shouldn't be exposed to such heinous things.

What is Grocery Store Joe doing here

Wow, not a top lip in sight. 

You know those sites where you upload pictures of yourself and Michael B. Jordan to see what your children would look like? Yeah so Hayden is the product of that if we uploaded pictures of Grocery Store Joe and Joe Alwyn. And that was just about the most memorable thing about him and his Fourth of July looking Brooks Brothers tie.

His bio says he likes baked potatoes, so I already don't trust him. Of all the potato options to choose from, who CHOOSES the baked potato over fries or tater tots or mashed potatoes???? 

Another man in a navy suit

Tino pulls up in a forklift so he can deliver this super amazing line that I'm sure he practiced for days ahead of this. It seems like he's mostly here for Rachel and during his time with her, he brings her to a set of stairs because he wants to make stairs a "better memory" for her since she's remembered for crying on the stairs during Clayton's stupid season. They end up kissing (meaning he's Rachel's first kiss of the season) and he ends up getting her First Impression Rose.

As a reminder, I leave my screenshots to fate and refuse to subject myself to this show any further than is necessary so I didn't get another shot of Tino. I think I like him though, partially because he looks a little like Paul Mescal (Y'ALL REMEMBER CONNELL'S CHAIN) and mostly because his bio says he READS. That's right. He reads, which is pretty rare for this franchise. Glad the producers are mixing it up and going with some guys who know the difference between your and you're.

Now that we know the recipient of Rachel's first kiss and First Impression Rose, who got Gabby's?

A man who is not in a navy suit!!

Gabby has a nice conversation with Mario, who actually asks her questions about her life (the bar, it is so low). Similar to Rachel, Gabby gives her First Impression Rose to her first kiss of the season, which is Mario. Based on historical precedent, I think it's safe to assume Tino and Mario will be around for a while.

But, let's get to some people who will not be around....

When the Uber accidentally brings you to the Bachelorette instead of the arcade

One minute they're playing Call of Duty and the next they're on The Bachelorette(s). Life came at Joey and Justin fast. 

They're here to prove they do things separately, which is why they're here together and why they decide to talk to Rachel and Gabby, together. However, all of their travel and passport paperwork is processed quickly as they both enter Rachel and Gabby's friend zone just 30 seconds after chatting with them. This is the exact moment Gabby realizes she wants to be anywhere but here talking with them:

By the end of the episode, the twins are 2 of the 3 men sent home immediately because neither woman can see a romantic connection forming. And to be fair, I think Justin and Joey are happy that Rachel and Gabby can focus on finding love and they can get back to doing what they actually love doing — clubbing. Seriously. They both have "clubbing" listed as an interest on their bios. There's really nothing thats screams "ready to settle down and get married" more than a man whose hobby is clubbing with his twin brother. 

Right and since I mentioned they're 2 of the 3 guys sent home, you're probably wondering who the third is.....

Okay, but he was weirdly cute

Roby is the third guy dumped after the first night and I can't understand why!! He shows up and just spends his time with both women doing magic tricks!! What's not to love!

But seriously, I found him so awkward and adorable and can't you just tell that if he got a haircut he'd look a little like Chace Crawford (xoxo, Gossip Girl). Also the fact that he's a magician makes it very easy for me to make inappropriate jokes, but I won't. I'll just say I can make some of his things disappear (I'M TALKING ABOUT MAGIC TRICKS YOU GUYS, GROSS, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER).

I'm waiting to release all of my bad inapprop jokes in 3.....2......1.....

I've got some shipments that need to be managed

We don't know yet if Matt is more interested in Rachel or Gabby, but what we do know is he is the hottest man in the house. I'm going to spare you the list of inappropriate jokes I've thought up involving his job as a shipping executive, but as you can imagine, it involves using the words "box" and "package" and so on, you get it.

Unfortunately, as is the curse that befalls every #1 hot person on this show, he'll likely be sent home within the first few weeks. 

When, the guy we'll want to see sent home (but who won't be for a while) is the season's villain. Which, we got no clear indication of who that will be in the first episode, but we did see....

Who seems to be getting the villain edit

The fact that the show gave us this prolonged villain camera angle makes me think Erich will rise to the occasion of being the house douchebag. Also, you can't tell here, but the man has a mullet and can you really trust a man with a mullet? The answer is no.

He's another one of the few men who talks with both Rachel and Gabby and actually makes out with Gabby. He feels pretty confident he'll get one of the First Impression Roses, so after Rachel doesn't give him hers, he seems okay with it since he thinks he'll get Gabby's, which gave me the ick (a phrase I know from Love Island, which I'm also watching, please join me). After he doesn't get either (because he has a mullet and that is a disqualifying factor), he is genuinely shocked because Erich thinks Erich should've gotten at least one of the roses. 

As a note, I'm also basing this villain assessment on the fact that he kind of looks like one of the Skarsgård men and those men are always villains, but only time will tell.

And that's it! Rachel and Gabby decide to skip the first Rose Ceremony because, aside from the 3 delegates from the Friend Zone, they need more time to get to know the guys before making any decisions. Which, thank you for asking, this is who I want to get to know more:

See you next week, Aven, Alec and Nate! 

And also hopefully see all of you! I'm begging, please don't make me endure this tragedy of a show alone. Til then, find me creeping on Twitter and Instagram.

Let's chat about The Bachelor (Week 3)

We have to begin this post by addressing a critical issue:

THERE'S JUST GIANT JARS OF FUCKING CANDY IN THE HOUSE? FOR FREE? AVAILABLE AT ALL TIMES? Why don't the women either congregate around the candy bar or bring the candy jars to the couch? I have so many questions and this scene is really making me question the legitimacy of this show. LOOK AT THOSE WILD BERRY SKITTLES. Wild Berry Skittles are the Rolls-Royce of Skittles. I'm shocked we have yet to have a scene where one of the girls gets wasted and spills one of the jars of candy all over the floor. I CAN'T TRUST YOU, ABC.

Also that's Annaliese's back to the camera, which provides a good transition.

Oh no Annaliese, no no

Thirsty ass Annaliese spent the majority of the episode having a Claire Danes' cry attack about being one of the only women to not kiss Arie (seriously, even I've kissed him). Between posting emo songs to her Myspace, she even managed to bring down the pure joy of the group date involving a bunch of adorable dogs. 

Those are Arie's nasty ass legs, which I'll address in a bit.

While everyone was enjoying the dogs, we were lucky enough to hear Annaliese dramatically recount her many "traumatic" experiences with dogs. One of these experiences is literally about the time she was staying at a friend's house and their dogs came into the room she was sleeping in. HOW DARE THOSE DOGS THAT LIVE IN THAT HOUSE ENTER A ROOM THAT IS IN THE HOUSE THEY LIVE IN.

Okay so anyway, she's on this sinking Debbie Downer ship and in a last ditch effort, before the Rose Ceremony, she talks to Arie and basically asks him to kiss her. To which he says, "I don't think we're there yet." THIS COMING FROM THE DUDE WHO HAS PROBABLY MADE OUT WITH A HOT DOG. If you didn't guess, this sealed Annaliese's fate and she went home.

Lauren did the brave thing no one else would do

LAUREN S. ATE SOME OF THE COOT! SHE ATE THE CHEESE! Later Arie ate some of the grapes because he's a dumbass. Everyone knows you eat the meat and cheese first, idiot. My point here is, regardless of what I say about Lauren S., girl is a hero and we along with all the wasted coot boards will not forget her cheese endeavors.

They had a pretty cool one-on-one date at a Napa winery and then quite possibly the most awkward dinner I've ever had to watch between two humans. Lauren talked for 150 hours straight while Arie pretended to be interested because let's not kid ourselves, despite any conversation going on, he is only ever thinking about two things: 1) Me like making out/eating faces 2) Me do not know what to do with hands. 

He ultimately did not give Lauren the date rose because he felt like she probably needed to go home to be with her family and also felt she "didn't open up enough" to him. WTF. THIS GIRL JUST GAVE YOU THE LONG-FORM, ACADEMIC RESEARCH PAPER ON HER LIFE. 

ABC left us with this super dramatic, cover of a teen romance novel shot of Arie holding the rose:

Per my earlier assessment of what his brain can handle, please look at his hands. NO ONE HOLDS ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER IN THE HISTORY OF HOLDING THINGS.

The only item of note from the other group date
The girls created personas for themselves for a wrestling match, wherein most of them did that thing where they tried to make their costume "sexy." Kind of like girls at Halloween who dress up as a "sexy nurse" or a "sexy doctor" or a "sexy baked potato." But, our girl Bibiana went full-on Cady Heron and dressed as a bridezilla:

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It ultimately didn't matter as Bibiana was sent home during the Rose Ceremony. Which, isn't she the real winner here, getting to go home.

I finally know who this is!

I swear they didn't show her name AT ALL during the last episode, but we finally know who Marker Brows is! And by "know who she is" I mean we really know who she is:

When the show reminded me she was from NC I was like "YOOO NC YOOOO" but then she straddled Arie before the Rose Ceremony and I was like "YOOO NOOOO." My issue with this is not her brazen making out with a guy, it's that the guy is Arie. COME ON GIRL. You live in the south! We eat biscuits for every meal, I thought your judgment was better than that! And I know the premise of the show is to get to know the Bachelor and win his heart, but I feel that's only the case when the Bachelor is hot and rich and smooth, all of which are antonyms for "Arie."

Wait, I have to point out that when Jenna was leading Arie to this couch to make-out, she said "Oh, it's chilly out" and he replied with "Oh, I'll bring the heat." HAHAHA I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE TURNED OFF IN MY LIFE. The only heat he's bringing is the fire to light this rocket so I can be shot into space away from him.

Following this make-out session, you'll be shocked to know that Arie did in fact give Jenna a rose. I'm sure based on the deep, meaningful conversation they had.

Times I was especially grossed out by Arie:

As I think I've established before, the way Arie eats and kisses is exactly the same, so the top left and bottom right photos grossed me out for the same reason. It's safe to assume I am fully turned off by Arie's mouth. It's like watching that Man v. Food guy do one of those disgusting food challenges. Or watching a snake try to swallow a bird egg whole.

In the top right one, Arie looks like a thumb or maybe a foot. That is my only reason.

The bottom left one is Arie during the dog group date. He for some unknown reason decided to wear patterned shorts with tube socks and Converse. First off, I could've gone my whole life without seeing Arie's legs in shorts. As for the look, I don't know if he thought this was fashionable because the boys in Stranger Things wore it, but um, Arie this is 2018 and you're not 13 and you're also not being tormented by a demogorgon.

What I'm saying here is that these four photos actually caused my ovaries to seal themselves in a vault as far away from Arie as possible. 

Brows that are too good for Arie:

Eyebrows aside, Marikh and Seinne are absolutely too gorgeous for Arie. Let's be real with ourselves here and say that if it weren't for the show and being forced to mingle with him, they WOULD NOT give his wack ass the time of day. Nothing grinds my gears more than women wasting their brow potential on a scrub. Also, this begins my petition for Seinne to be the next Bachelorette. SPREAD THE WORD.

Favorite of the week: Tia (again)

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Arie surprised Tia with a "southern" setup, from which we learned that Arie thinks "southern" means bales of hay and moonshine. It's kind of like how restaurants think a chicken salad can be marketed as an "Asian chicken salad" because it has mandarin oranges and almond slivers.

Our girl Tia drank the moonshine with no issue while his goofy ass made this face. I need to get to something deep real quick: I have zero time for a guy who can't take shots of something without making a face. And that's not something that is based out of gender norms. It's purely because during shots, I yell and make gross faces and I need to be the sole center of attention, and if my dumbass guy is making this dumbass face, it steals my thunder. You understand.

Back to the point. Arie knows zero things about the south, has probably never had Bo'Berry Biscuits and likely equates chicken cooked on the grill to "barbecue."

Additionally, I will also accept Tia as our next Bachelorette.

Ending this post by sharing my reaction any time Krystal speaks:

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