What did we learn from the 2018 Emmy Awards?

This year's Emmy's were like an overhyped party that was talked about for weeks. But then you show up to find this "party" is just a case of Natural Light and a bag of plain ass Lays chips.

Thank goodness for the red carpet! It was the fun pregame and by far, the most entertaining part of the evening (even with E! buzzkilling everything). And since it's been a while, I'll let Chrissy describe my feelings about experiencing a red carpet with Rancic and Jason Kennedy again:

Best dressed:

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Issa Rae looks amazing at every show and I know I always list her as a favorite but that's only because she looks infinitely better than 85% of the other attendees. She opted for a Carolina Blue dress this year to pay homage to her impending best friendship with me. Spread the word. I love the long train situation on this top, but how annoying do you think it was in the bathroom? Like, do you think she had to ball up the entire bottom part of this outfit and hold it above her head while trying to undo her pants to pee? The logistics alone sound terrible.

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While we're on pantsuits, let's talk about Tatiana Maslany. You may remember me quietly mentioning THAT SHE SHOULD HAVE SO MANY EMMYS FOR PLAYING EVERY CHARACTER ON ORPHAN BLACK but maybe not because I'm so demure in talking about the things I like. She showed up in some sleek black pants with a highlighter yellow wrap top that looks like a curtain ripped off the wall of an EDM party. I support this look. Anytime you can wear something that then transforms into decorative home goods is honestly just smart shopping.

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Rory Gilmore showed up in this pink lemonade situation that I don't actually hate. I loved her simple makeup and hair and I guess I find her stunning at most events because I'm used to seeing her look haggard as hell on "The Handmaid's Tale." So this Fun Dip dress was great! Almost made me forget she's married to Pete Campbell and his weird hairline. And look, I don't base my disdain for him just on looks - he creeps me out to my shallow, tin core. He's definitely someone who whispers a lot and we all know that whispering is the trademark of a creep. 

Best brows

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To be fair, Emilia Clarke has the best brows in just about any room she's in (unless Demi Lovato is also in that room, in which case, a brow-off occurs). And while the extent of my makeup knowledge is simply to buy whatever Chrissy Teigen endorses in hopes of making my face look like hers, even I could tell that Emilia's makeup was FLAWLESS. Look at that closeup! That is her actual face! It's unbelievable that she and I are the same species (allegedly).

I wasn't sure how to feel about her dress. The literal breeziness of the top reminded me of that time I forgot to wear a bra to school. Except, I imagine if I had worn a mesh top, braless to 8th grade, there would've been some sort of situation. Anyway, I'm letting the fact that her hair and makeup were a 10, average this entire look out to a 12. I took pre-calc in college, so you can trust me.

Best Mandy Moore and Milo Ventimiglia

Let me first say that Milo Ventimiglia is a delicious bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. I have loved him since Jess Mariano days and was pretty disappointed that we didn't get a Jess and Rory reunion on the red carpet. I think he's one of those smooth guys who can wink at you and it doesn't seem weird. And I'm 140% positive that if he winked at me, I would first giggle like a baby then probably die.

And Mandy Moore! She hasn't let the fact that her performance in "A Walk to Remember" was overlooked by the Oscars get to her. Look how good she looks! She's in that Sandy Bullock/Reese Witherspoon wine cellar, just getting better with age. With that perfect level of spray tan and beach waves. I can practically hear "I'M MISSIN YOU LIKE CANDY AAAAY YAAAA." Don't @ me, that song is still a bop.

Okay okay let's talk about the show at least a little...

OBLIGATORY CHRISSY SECTION

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Meme'd in the first 5 minutes of the show, Chrissy T did not come to play. The audience was allowed to have alcohol at their seats this year, so I can only hope that CT had a few glasses of champagne. And while I could dedicate this entire post to her, I'll just refer you to my doctoral dissertation: "Chrissy Teigen Dictates A Questionable Number of Things in My Life and I Have No Regrets."

Brace yourself: I'm not a Mrs. Maisel fan

No one is more shocked than me. It's an Amy Sherman-Palladino show, so it features her signature fast-paced, quippy dialogue and well thought out characters, but man, it is not funny. It's like the LaCroix of TV shows: You know there's a hint of something funny in it, but it's so faint that you're not sure. For reference, this gif of Amy Sherman-Palladino perfectly encapsulates the comedy of the show:

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She was returning to the stage to accept Outstanding Directing for a Comedy (after winning Writing for a Comedy). Can't Amy Sherman-Palladino and Daniel Palladino just focus all of their efforts into pumping out new Gilmore Girls revivals every year? GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT.

Anyway, contradictory to me, the Emmys LOVED Mrs. Maisel. It swept so many of the comedy awards and we learned that this is what we get when we lose "Veep." I did somewhat support Alex Borstein winning Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy though because I pretended it was a delayed reward for her work as Ms. Swan on Mad TV.

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She did a shimmy and told women to sit down to pee, because if one of us sits, we all get to sit WHICH IS ACTUALLY TRUE. #StopHoverPeeing2018

I remain a salty salt shaker over "The Good Place" not getting more nominations. Call me old fashioned but I assume that "comedy" implies something is funny. Crazy, I know.

The only non-Sandra Oh who I accept winning

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The Outstanding Lead Actress category was like a Britney Spears Greatest Hits album - HOW DO YOU CHOOSE YOUR FAVORITE? While I was hoping Sandra Oh would take it home, becoming the first Asian woman to win a lead acting Emmy, I was okay with Claire Foy winning instead. If you haven't seen season 2 of "The Crown," just chisel out 10 hours this weekend to binge it. She is simply amazing. The acting she does with her eyes alone is award worthy. And I have eyes, which makes me qualified to make that assessment.

And since we're on the topic of Sandra Oh, I need to talk about how much I love her parents and the fact that her mom came in traditional Korean hanbok:

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Y'all, when I say I hollered, I mean I HOLLERED. And even better was that Sandra introduced her parents to all of the red carpet interviewers as "Mr. and Mrs. Oh." YES. Do you actually think fracking Rancic gets the privilege of calling her lovely mother by her first name? Naaahhhh. Also, I love how when Claire Foy won and Sandra Oh was graciously clapping, her mom was clearly like "Umm, who is that? And why is she holding your trophy?"

MOMS ARE THE BEST.

When someone says they saved the last cookie for you

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I didn't include her before, but I'm digging Thandie Newton's one-shoulder, cape dress. She won in the other category I deemed most competitive: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama. And while I've only seen half of season 1 of Westworld, she was pretty fantastic in that half of a season. Fantastic enough to win over THREE of the ladies from Handmaid's Tale AND Cersei Lannister AND Princess Margaret. They would make up one badass volleyball team.

Speaking of the Handmaid's ladies, here they are all huddled together as Thandie is announced:

This is precious but also confusing for my mind to see Aunt Lydia and Serena Joy being friendly with Emily. DON'T TRUST THEM EMILY!

A standard proposal location

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So while Glenn Weiss was accepting his Emmy for directing the Oscars (which is such an Inception thing to happen), he took the time to propose to his longtime lady friend, Jan. And it was so freaking cute. He spoke first of his mom who recently passed away before saying that Jan is the light in his life. Then came the kicker: "You wonder why I don't want to call you my girlfriend? Because I want to call you my wife." And this was her reaction:

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She of course said yes! And no one was shocked to learn that this is the first time someone has gotten engaged on an Emmys stage. And I was shocked to find this entire TV engagement genuine and sweet because I've dealt with garbage ones for the past however many months with the Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise.

OH OK, ANGELA BASSETT

Did you all get the memo from Angela Bassett declaring she has decided to stop aging? I audibly gasped at how gorgeous she looks. And I love Tiffany Haddish just relishing in the moment.

Lil' Baby Aidy, here to steal yo' man

Just want to point out Aidy Bryant's bit during the opening number. It is my biggest hope that she pitched this as "Okay and when you pan to me, I'll just be caressing Milo Ventimiglia" with no other supporting details or setup. Gotta shoot your shot, ya know.

And I thought Aidy was maybe sitting next to him just for the bit, but as it turns out, that was her seat! Between Milo and JT!

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If I were her, I would've held both of my arms out, palms up, on the armrests to see if Milo or JT would try to hold my hand first. That is how relationships start.

Tami Taylor!

Connie Britton is what you get when you cross a Lilly Pulitzer dress with a glass of sweet tea and I am here for her southern fried goodness. I don't even remember what award she and Eric Bana were presenting, but she stood like this for most of the time and her hair remains a level of perfection I will never comprehend. Shout out to me for capturing Eric Bana in this moment, looking like he's upset people don't remember his stellar performance in one of the Hulk movies.

When your mom forces you to go to prom with the King of the North

Aside from the fact that this looks like an awkward high school dance photo, Constance Wu looks gorg! I like how her dress kind of looks like it's made of that bubbly glitter paint. And Kit Harington, while sweet looking, always looks like he's waiting in line at the bank. And the teller just stepped away for lunch. I'm pretty sure this is exactly what he looked like when Game of Thrones won Outstanding Drama.

Who should've hosted the show

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Colin Jost and Michael Che were....alright. If you want to watch 3 hours of Weekend Update. The funniest part of their hosting was the bits with Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen, who were pretending to be Emmys "experts." I don't mean to get critical here (haha yes I do), but Colin and Michael are clearly comedy WRITERS. Maya and Fred are comedic PERFORMERS. It's kind of like how you go see Adele to hear her sing. And you go see Britney to see her dance (YES EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE SMALL MOVEMENTS MOSTLY WITH HER HANDS, SHE'S STILL DANCING). Two very respectable, yet different things.

My point here is that NBC had SO many choices for hosts (as was evident in the entire SNL cast being in the opening dance) and they chose two kind of boring dudes.

And that's it! Or well, that's all that my brain full of packing peanuts decided to commit to long-term memory. Interested to see if Emmy voters will still like Mrs. Maisel next year. Or if they'll finally cave and just agree that Julia Louis-Dreyfus should get the Emmy every year, regardless of if she's in anything.

See you all soon! Til then, find me staring at your dog from across the street and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Finale)

This week's post is brought to you by the return of Tia during the BIP reunion who got about four lines during the entire show, this being one of them:

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We made it to the finale, y'all! Watching this season was like running an ultra-marathon except instead of running on a trail or road, we've been trudging through actual poop. And now that it's over we just feel gross and generally upset over the entire situation. So let's talk about it!

First things first, Eric is still the worst

During the reunion, Eric says he put so much energy into his relationship with Angela (note: he did not) and he felt like she put him in the friend zone EVEN THOUGH SHE TOLD HIM SHE HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM AND WAS ALL IN. WE ALL SAW. I can't revisit this again. Here's her reaction as she realizes he's still on that same bullshit:

I'm happy to point out that the winner in all of Eric's dumbassery is Angela, and here is why:

From Angela's Instagram

THAT'S RIGHT. She's with good guy Clay! The lesson here is that sometimes, when you lose a potential boyfriend, you gain a fine ass NFL player who is exponentially better than the trash bag you thought you liked before. I love a good life lesson.

The Jordan and Jenna Affair

Emphasis on "affair." Before things turn Sour Patch Kids, Jordan and Jenna get one of the last date cards in Paradise. And it's probably the weirdest and dumbest date of the entire season. 

They participate in an engagement/wedding photoshoot? The producers got real lazy at the end with this one. Let's have them pose like they're getting married! This was so fucking weird. It'd be like if I snapped a billion pics of brownie batter and posted them to Instagram like "HEY EVERYONE, PRE-BROWNIES!" even though no one knows if I'll actually make said brownies. What is the point here.

They then have Jenna PUT ON AN ACTUAL WEDDING DRESS. I'm screaming. This is more bizarre than a Lifetime movie.

I guess production budget ran out, because this is how all of their photos are presented to us — in some PowerPoint template. And I don't know how wedding photoshoots work, but I don't think I'll want my fiance to pose like he's about to pop my head off like a Barbie doll. But that's just me.

Aside from the fact that this entire sequence of events causes more secondhand embarrassment than an Amanda Bynes interview, I have to admit, Jordan and Jenna are a pretty photogenic couple. And they end up getting engaged at the end!

By the end of this dumpster fire, I kind of liked Jordan and Jenna as a couple and believed they were two Tootsie Roll Pops that found each other. But as it turns out, it's not chocolate at the center of these two candies (I'm sorry for all of the mentions of poop, but when in Rome). 

One of Jenna's exes has come forward, saying she's been with him the entire time she's also been engaged to Jordan. And he has the text receipts as proof where she says her relationship with Jordan is fake and she can't stand him and she's only doing it for "business" and money (see a summary of this dramz here). Y'all. I spilled my Cheerwine and grasped my Caucasian pearls at this revelation. Our Carolina girl! Jenna has of course responded, saying she "is aware of the allegations" and is "requesting privacy at this time," which is exactly what a guilty person says. I'm saddened by this. I guess we should probably ban her from ever having Bojangles chicken again. It is the standard punishment for people who embarrass the Tar Heel state.

But anyway, here is a clip played during the reunion of them making a vision board together (SHOUTOUT TO JENNA'S PANTS, KILLIN IT).

I was dying at petty ass ABC for only focusing on Beniot's reaction. He and Jenna never had a serious relationship. She gave him Kool-Aid mouth and they hung out for approximately 4 minutes. So needless to say, he reacted like anyone would to watching two people cut out things from a magazine — BORED AF.

WHO INVITED ROBBIE

I don't know who defrosted Robbie from whatever paraffin-dipped chamber he's been in since the last season of BIP, but can we please put him back. Here he is avoiding blinking because he heard it gives you eyelid wrinkles:

Robbie is like that apartment mouse you can't get rid of (this may only apply to us New Yorkers). He just keeps scarily showing up, stealing your crackers and probably sitting on your couch while wearing your skinny jeans and HE JUST WON'T LEAVE. 

Anyway, by process of elimination he asks Shush on a date which is the most romantic way to be chosen. And this time she says yes! Because, as Astrid points out, "I think someone finally explained how Paradise works to her."

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So they head to dinner and Shush tells Robbie about everyone accusing her of being a bitch with a capital W. Robbie then tells Shush he wants her to put him "under her spell" and I haven't heard something so lame and ovary-drying than that in a while. He also tells her that he's the guy who "tries everything once otherwise you never know," which is clearly not true because I have never seen him try to wear pants that actually fit and aren't from Baby Gap. 

This entire situation is moot because it's the end of the season, meaning the couples have to decide if they want to proceed to Fantasy Suites or go home and Robbie and Shush just met, so they obviously go home.

Why didn't everyone just go to the Fantasy Boom Boom Rooms? If not just to be in air conditioning again. There is no rule that says you HAVE to get engaged post-Fantasy, so why not enjoy one last night in a luxury bed with pillows that have a cold side?

In which we remember we don't like Kendall

To recap, Kendall spent 85% of this season deciding if she actually liked Joe by going on dates with every other dude while he patiently waited for her to sort herself out.

During one of the last nights, Joe tells Kendall he loves her and asks what she would do if he proposed. She responds by morphing into an Awkwardasaurus, doing that thing where she talks in run-on sentences while trying to catch the words coming out of her mouth with her hand gestures. She tells him that she loves him but doesn't know "what kind of love" and that she thought Joe felt the same way about the uncertainty of their status. To which Joe is like: 

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This obviously confuses Joe who has spent 4000 God-forsaken weeks on this show dedicated only to Kendall. She comes out of nowhere with this confession, which might be the biggest placement ever of a dude into the conflict area known as "the friend zone."

She cries and proceeds to be more extra than the gum while saying it was "so last minute" for her to hear "all of this stuff" from Joe.

And by "all of this stuff" she means JOE TELLING HER HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER. WHICH HE HAS SAID BEFORE. AND HAS BEEN VERY CLEAR ABOUT. This would be like if I sat in a public space and ate an entire jar of peanut butter, but then get really upset over someone accusing me of liking peanut butter. IT MAKES ZERO SENSE.

They both leave Paradise, seemingly broken up and I'm left feeling upset that Joe or honestly anyone didn't scream this at Kendall: 

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During the reunion we find out that after leaving Paradise, Kendall went to Chicago to see Joe. AND OF COURSE CAMERAS CAME ALONG, I mean duh. That is how every relationship works. Here is how their conversation in what appears to be a random hotel lobby goes:

Kendall: Sup, u up

Joe: I got a new haircut

Kendall: OMG I love you, let's get back together

And with that, we find out that they're back together and he's going to be on Dancing with the Stars and I really can't emphasize how much I hate this show.

"What the actual fuck dude"

Shoutout to Astrid for this initial response to Kevin after he decides that while they are perfect for each other, they should break up. It is the most confused I've been since that time Hayden Panettiere released an album. 

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Apparently hearing the words "Fantasy Suites" invokes some level of PTSD in Kevin who reminds us about 25 times that he went to the suites with Ashley during Bachelor Winter Games and it was the biggest mistake of his life. So, clearly the best way for Kevin to deal with what Ashley did to him is to take it out on Astrid. Of course! She tells him that he's doing exactly what he asked her not to do to him. He then cries a bunch while she stares at him with what may be the most perfect brows and lashes on the show:

He asks her "not to leave him like this" because how dare she walk away from the dude who surprise dumped her a day after telling her he was in love with her! I mean, common courtesy people. What's a guy gotta do to get a girl to stick around after he dumps her on TV. 

Anyway, they both leave Paradise but during the reunion we learn that they're back together and it's almost like everyone does better outside of this horrendous show. A novel concept.

Chris Harrison does not sweat

Quick interjection to mention this. Everyone is literally always in varied states of nakedness and he shows up in every episode wearing a 10-piece suit with winter boots without breaking a sweat. If I even see a picture of a beach, I start sweating. HOW DOES HARRISON DO IT?

Wait, we were right to hate Kamil

Annaliese and Kamil's relationship is baffling. Based on his facial expressions and body language, you would think he has NO interest in her (and I'm not just referring to this moment above from the reunion). Their chemistry is next to nothing. One time I ran into a homeless man when I was coming out of the subway, and I mean RAN INTO. Like we fully embraced and the impact of which made him say "DAMN." Me and that homeless man had more chemistry than I've ever seen between Annaliese and Kamil.

Despite his body language, his words seem to contradict that because he constantly emphasizes he only likes Annaliese and she is perfect for him. It's like seeing someone being punched in the face but then responding by being like "I really enjoy this."  

They of course go to the Fantasy Suite where this giant Polish sausage is awaiting them and totally doesn't have any connotations attached to it (reminder: Kamil is Polish). Kudos to ABC for consistently letting 14-year-old boys write the script. I'm actually shocked the producers didn't make Kamil say something like "You want this wiener?"

Which honestly, in this case yes I do want it. In most cases, I want the sausage (LITERAL SAUSAGE, YOU PERVS). Doesn't it look great? With the charring? I just love sausage.

Annaliese tells Kamil that she fell in love with his soul which yes, I fell in love with his "soul" too:

The next day, post-sausage, they don't get engaged, but they declare their love for each other and we learn that Kamil is horrible at pretending he's not reading from a giant piece of paper behind Annaliese's head. He sounds so robotic and more unsure of the words he's reading than me any time I attempted to read an excerpt from my college roommate's chemistry textbook.

So the show ends with us thinking Kamil is actually a decent guy! Upon hearing that, Kamil decides it's about time to remind us that he is in fact an asshole. During the reunion, he breaks up with Annaliese, telling her that it didn't work outside of Paradise and he's not the guy for her. 

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Annaliese is blindsided and leaves the stage for a second before returning to be like "Bro, I tried breaking up with you first but you said we should keep trying." And while I'm not the biggest Annaliese fan, this entire situation was messy and terrible. She asks him why he's telling her this now (on TV) and he tells her that he "wanted to be a man" and "do it in person."  WHAT A GENTLEMAN. Let me just provide a footnote for everyone: if you want to dump someone, yes you should do it in person. UNLESS THAT NEXT TIME YOU SEE THEM IN PERSON IS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. 

They then proceed to take their conversation backstage which is dumb because cameras are there also so I mean it's not like they escaped to some private area. And Kamil essentially dumps Annaliese again, just in a different room this time.

And to answer your question, yes that couch does look a lot like my couch. I had to doubletake for a second like was this filmed in my apartment? ABC is so sneaky.

THIS IS THE STRONGEST COUPLE?

Apparently being kookoo for Cocoa Puffs while ignoring plates of perfectly poached eggs works in Paradise because these two kookaburras end up being the strongest couple. Turkey or Pigeon or whatever bird nickname Chris gave himself and Krystal end the season with him proposing.

But not before providing us with a sound bite meant to make us think he's breaking up with her. He tells her he cannot leave Paradise holding her hand....[LONG DRAMATIC PAUSE]....because he wants to leave holding her heart. Which, excuse me for watching too many episodes of Game of Thrones, but I found this alarming. 

As it turns out, he means it in a metaphorical way and not in a Khaleesi eating-a-heart way and Krystal says yes and I can't believe this is the basket we've put all our eggs in. 

During the reunion, we learn that Chris passed the final hurdle of their relationship by meeting Krystal's dogs. And their moms are now best friends. And then they're gifted a crystal goose (hehe get it) and he cries because he's so happy.

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And love is beautiful and all but I remain somewhat baffled. Chris and Krystal ending the season by being in the best place as a couple would be like if there was a global vote on what flavor to make an entire bag of Skittles and yellow won. YELLOW. 

And that's it! This entire experience was exhausting. Luckily, I saved 4-6 brain cells to waste on Colton's season of The Bachelor, so see you all in the torture chamber for that (already taking bets for how many times they'll call him "The Virgin Bachelor").

See you all next week for the Emmys! Til then, find me eating soup then complaining about how uncomfortably full it makes me feel and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).

Guys, Lies, and Bachelor in Paradise (Week 5)

This week's post is brought to you by my surprise special appearance:

I was looking for some trash and found the mecca of it on this show.

"I can tell that Eric is honest in a relationship"
OH CASSANDRA, GIRL NO. We start this week by diving right into the bullshit with Eric, who if we may recall, decided to go on a date with Cassandra despite having just told Angela that he would not go on dates with anyone else.

The only thing I remember from their date is this scene where they are apparently sitting on high school football stadium bleachers while drinking beer out of wicker koozies.

Eric tells Cassandra that he and Angela had a "connection" but that she wants to take things slow, HOW DARE SHE, while he "needs love." Y'all, Eric is definitely a "Hey, u up" texter. 

Ahead of the Rose Ceremony, Cassandra confronts Eric after she learns what he said to Angela about not dating anyone else. And Eric gets back on his bullshit, telling her that he didn't feel "connected" to Angela (EVEN THOUGH 2 MINUTES AGO HE SAID HE HAD A CONNECTION WITH HER) and that "today is a different day."

He then tries to shift the blame for his dumbass behavior ONTO ANGELA by saying that he doesn't even think she likes him and he came here looking for a relationship. He thinks he has been honest and maybe Angela took things out of context to which Cassandra says "Well, maybe how she took it was you said you wouldn't go on any other dates because that's exactly what you said."

And this is Cassandra's face during this entire conversation:

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Eric ultimately gives a rose to Cassandra because he finds her "refreshing" (read: NEW). But wait! We aren't done taking crazy pills!

After some reflection, Eric realizes that he can't have his cake and eat it too because his cake, Angela, has left. He says that he wanted "the Angela situation to work so bad" and that her leaving hit him so hard. UMMM YOU SENT HER HOME. YOU, ERIC. What the actual hell. This would be like if I went to Red Lobster and crumbled all of the cheddar bay biscuits onto the floor then yelled OH MY GOD I WISH I HAD CHEDDAR BAY BISCUITS THAT WEREN'T CRUMBLED ON THE FLOOR. 

Anyway, we finally get off this hamster wheel of Eric's lies when he decides to leave BECAUSE ANGELA LEFT. WHICH AGAIN, ANGELA DID NOT LEAVE, ERIC SENT HER HOME. I have to move on because I don't want to use my quota of caps lock on this one section.

Totally unplanned part where Colton "decides" to leave

As you've likely heard, closed-mouth kisser Colton has been named the next Bachelor because ABC is really environmentally conscious and loves to recycle these white dudes. But ahead of that, he of course needed to leave Paradise.

The build up for the season finale of "Colton's Creek" begins with a series of clips of Tia saying how sure she is of hers and Colton's relationship and how she appreciates how honest he is. While this is happening, Colton is deep in thought as if someone has asked him what 200 divided by macaroni is. 

He finally pulls her away to one of those gross beach beds to tell her that he really wanted their relationship to work but that it feels like he's forcing it. And he essentially cannot see a future with her because I mean, did she honestly think he was gonna leave for The Bachelor still dating her?

And y'all, Tia is clearly blindsided and just weeping. They both cry and he apologizes and then both of them decide to leave because they only came on this trash fire experience to try to build a relationship with each other. Tia quite literally leaves straight from the beach. Doesn't grab any bags, just leaves with her bathing suit, sandy shorts and a pineapple bun. 

I'm also about 105% positive that the producers approached Colton ahead of BIP to tell him that he needed to put in effort with Tia for the cameras then dump her dramatically to become the Bachelor. I am POSITIVE they planned this and its horrible for Tia.

Kevin and Astrid remain the only pure thing on this show

They finally get a date card where they get away for a bit to completely ignore this perfect lobster tail.

Both of them admit they're in love, which has to stem from the fact that they have realized they are the two most sane people on the show.

In which Kamil chooses "the blonde girl"

Shushanna (Shush for short) is one of our newest arrivals this week and sets her sights on Kamil.

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She chooses him for a date which is actually a double date with other new arrival Christen, who chooses John because he's rich. I mean rich and hot. I mean nice.

Wait, quick note about Christen.

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She was on stale marshmallow Nick Viall's season of The Bachelor where she earned the nickname "Scallop Fingers." I had to look this up because I did not go down with that ship of a season. Apparently one night after dinner, she got a to-go box of scallops and proceeded to eat them with her hands in the car before touching other people with said smelly fingers. Meaning this is a literal nickname. For some reason it absolutely cracks me up. I mostly included this gif because I thought the nickname meant she had fingers that looked like scallops which would've been terrifying.

Anyway, this double date has about as many sparks as a wet match. They ride on a banana boat and it seems like Shush would rather be getting a root canal while having glitter thrown in her eyes:

But back at the villa, Annaliese doesn't know this and is freaking out. She says it's her "literal" Paradise nightmare if Kamil comes back and doesn't want her. This is wrong on so many levels, because I think it'd be much worse to, I don't know, be attacked by a shark. Or have a fish swim into your swimsuit. Or have way too many chips compared to how much guacamole you have. My point is Annaliese is dramatic as hell and has clearly never been faced with a Costco-sized bag of tortilla chips complemented by a snack-sized container of guacamole.

Her worries end up being pointless as Kamil returns and tells her that he had no chemistry with Shushanna and still wants to be with her.

And I can't stop laughing because Shushanna refuses to call Annaliese by name, opting instead to call her "the blonde girl." 

The thing that convinces Shushanna to keep trying

Ashley and Jared return to BIP so he can surprise her with a proposal on the very same beach they met at. Also where she crazily longed after him until he finally gave in.

All I want to talk about is how logistically confusing it was for Ashley to wear STILETTOS on the beach. 

Anyway, Ashley going on about how she was obsessed with Jared and it ended up working out for them only fuels Shushanna's burning love for Kamil. Even after New Zealand Jordan arrives and saves Shushanna's ass by giving her a rose, she can't let go. 

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Which, Kiwi Jordan is so sweet! He really tries to get to know Shush and wants to use his date card on her, but she turns him down because she's still "figuring things out" after Kamil. Y'ALL. She spent maybe 3 hours with Kamil. I've spent longer amounts of time trying on jeans at H&M. So he takes out Cassandra instead, who is newly single after escaping crazytown with Eric. 

Shush then continues her PLEASE LOVE ME CAMPAIGN with Kamil. She pulls him aside to talk AGAIN, even though he's made it clear he's not interested. Here is how their conversation goes:

Kamil: You're beautiful and a great girl, but I like Annaliese and there is no future for you and I

Shush: So you're saying there's a chance

Kamil: What, no, def not

Shush: Yeah but things can change

Kamil: No no, I am 200% sure we will never happen

Shush: I don't believe you

In the interview after, she says that she and Kamil will "probably" end up together. YOU GUYS. She actually thinks that Kamil is playing hard to get. Someone really needs to tell her that there's a difference between "hard to get " and:

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Annaliese tries to prove she's tough

So after watching Shush continually go after Kamil, Annaliese decides it's finally time for her to put her foot down. She confronts Shush and by "confronts" I mean she goes over to her with a shaky voice and you can tell the only thing Annaliese has ever confronted is a mustard bottle for squirting that weird liquid on her sandwich. Shush shares her delusions about Kamil, saying that he tried to kiss her on their date. To which Annaliese is like nah girl I have the receipts and he didn't. 

After more back and forth, Annaliese realizes that she doesn't actually know how to confront someone and decides to pull out her best 4th grade insult. She tells Shush that everyone thinks she's a witch. A WITCH. Because she sometimes stares at Kamil. And look, if staring at a man makes you a witch then y'all better get ready to see me fly away on a broomstick out of a Shawn Mendes concert.

Anyway, Annaliese returns to the group acting like she's hot shit while Shush drinks this XXXL margarita so who really won this battle, ya heard:

"All I want is love because I'm fucking single"

Delusions about Kamil aside, Shush is actually one of the most gorg girls on the show. I kind of feel bad for her because being called a witch when "Sabrina the Teenage" doesn't precede it is downright hurtful. Like, call someone a bitch. Call someone a sandwich. But a witch? Come on. Also, I forget who says it, but here are the reasons why the group thinks Shush is a witch:

1) She stares at Kamil

2) She's cried 6 times

SO SHE STARED AT A HOT GUY AND THEN CRIED A BUNCH. Again, if that makes you a witch then I was a witch in 5th grade when I saw Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.

Anyway, back on this emotional rollercoaster with Shush. She finally accepts that Kamil does not want her and that hey, maybe she blew her chance with Kiwi Jordan who genuinely wanted to get to know her. And also, she wants to be sure that you know:

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When Jordan returns from his date with Cassandra, Shush tries to win him over but he's now moved on and makes it clear that he would like to get to know Cassandra more. Which prompts Shush to start crying while saying it's "unfair." To recap: Kiwi Jordan asked Shush out first, and she said no. SHE SAID NO. But she now thinks it's unfair that Jordan doesn't want her anymore. She proceeds to run away to a dirty beach bed, bravely deciding it's a good idea to put her face on these pillows that have likely been through some things.

I am screaming. I cannot stand this show. It's like every other person is taking a loaf of banana bread and tossing it in the ocean then complaining about how they wish they had banana bread. I AM TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Oh, two kookaburras go on a date

Chandler's crazy roommate Eddie gets to take Krystal on a date, but more importantly, finally gets to wear this shirt made exclusively from children's daycare wallpaper:

They both think they're the luckiest to have found each other and um okay sure let's give them that. Right as Chris is about to tell Krystal he is in love with her, I decide to appear because I figured there'd be food that no one was eating:

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And since this show is a part of the Bachelor universe, we can't go through an entire season without featuring some random white singer who none of us have heard of but the couple pretends to love! Chris and Krystal end their date by listening to this K-Mart knockoff of [enter name of any emo white dude here].

Diggy's here!

I forgot how cute I thought he was on Rachel's season.

He takes Olivia on a date and she admits that she was hoping to meet him in Paradise. They seem to hit it off and I think it's safe to say she won't be....Venmo'ing.....her love. HAHA you guys I'm hilarious.

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They share this cute reverse version of a She's All That scene (I am not sorry for bringing up that movie twice in this post) and I think they're adorable.

And that's it! Before you say anything, yes I did skip over Jade & Tanner and Carly & Evan's return and Kendall and Joe having to take care of babies. I am still creeped out by Evan for reasons I can't put a scallop finger on.

See you all next week for the finale (THANK G)! Til then, find me trying on rompers while repeatedly asking "Do I look stupid" and also on Twitter (@cocoakristis) and Instagram (@kristimac9).